I Need to Breathe
by FirstYear
Summary: Snape survives the last battle,thanks to Neville & Hermione. Needing a guardian for personal affairs, Augusta Longbottom finds a way to care for him. Au in that Snape lives. Marriage Law Mild warnings for language and adult themes
1. He is Not a Pawn

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter One**

**He Is Not a Pawn**

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**Neville and the Snake**

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Neville thrust the sword up, penetrating the soft underside of Nagini's head, slicing up through her lower jaw. For a split second, the blade moved easy, a wet whooshing sound as the magical steel found the emptiness of her mouth and he heard gurgling as the wound filled with blood. He shoved harder, higher, breaking through the upper palate of her mouth, and still he thrust, his arm shaking with the effort, sending the knife into her brain and stilling her for all times.

He felt the life falling from her, quickly running through his body like the promise of a summer storm. He tasted a sharp acrid taste of liquid metal and for a fleeting moment her mind joined with his, showing him in dimming pictures the last things she had seen. Pulling the sword out and swinging it in a perfect arc, he sliced off her head.

Neville Longbottom gasped. His head snapped up as Nagini's body came to rest at his feet. Spinning around he began to run, sweat poured off his forehead, causing him to stumble as his vision blurred as it stung his eyes. Wiping the back of his hand over his wet brow, he wiped away the sweat only to replace it with a swipe of crimson blood.

Still he ran, down the sloping grounds to the Whomping Willow, now still and quiet, as if knowing it guarded a tomb. He ducked down and crawled, clawing the ground, kicking against the falling earthen walls, desperate to make it before it was too late, to stop the inevitable, and to intercede where he was needed the most. The taste of metal and memories of Nagini still fresh and burning, urged him, forced him forward.

He saw Snape lying on his back, one arm thrown out as if silently beckoning him near. The other clutched to his waistcoat, fisting the material, a visible vestige of his pain. Neville continued until he was at his side, one hand went to his face, feeling for warmth, the other pressing firmly on his chest, needing to feel a heart beat. Pleading, silently praying, that some life still remained.

Sitting back on his knees he plunged his hand into his pocket and ripped out the moss he had secreted earlier, thinking he may have need for it himself. The moss was damp, red lines ran through the dusty green of the natural colour. Nagini's blood, having run down his arm and found its way into his pocket now told the leaching moss what to do.

Neville paused to think, and then began to run the moss over his glistening robes, sopping up the last of the wet blood before packing the moss in the gaping wound that was Snape's neck. His hands trembled as he patted his pockets, finding the potions Hermione had made them all carry. Sliding one hand behind Snape's neck, he lifted him, letting his head flop back, his mouth hang open as if willingly accepting what was about to be poured down his throat. As the last of the potion pooled in the professor's mouth, Neville saw his swallow reflex working, and sighed as the yellow liquid disappeared. Maybe, just maybe it was enough.

He stood and looked down at Snape, only now becoming aware of the sound of battle coming from the distance and the very ground vibrating beneath his feet. He went down on one knee to peer at Snape's face and to make a decision that he would question the rest of his life.

"Sorry, sir," he muttered. "I have to leave you, they need help. It's not going well … Harry is …, I don't know yet … , but… he still needs to finish this and … I'll come back. I won't leave you here."

He studied Snape's face, and lowered his ear over his mouth, listening for the sound of breath as his right hand lay on his chest. He stood and turned, not looking back as he returned to the sound of falling walls and screams.

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**Snape's Dream **

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He closed his eyes as darkness clouded his vision and muffled his hearing. He felt Harry slide back, and knew without seeing that he was gone, taking the only thing he had left to give. He no longer cared where he lay, forgetting in his last moments the lost years of his life. Albus smiled and walked away over a green-blanketed hill towards a dark haired witch that stood alone with a wistful smile playing around her lips. He saw Albus melt away and the witch walk up three short steps to the door at Spinner's End, turn and hold out her hand to him, calling him home, telling him his father was gone, that it was safe, to please come home.

Hands grabbed him roughly, forced his head back and poured a foul tasting substance in his mouth. He fought the intrusion, and looked toward his mother and saw her frown as she turned her back on him and disappeared into a mist rising from the grounds of a high mountain plain.

He heard a voice on the fringe of reason, but rather than listening, his mind waited only a moment before slipping into the darkness again, welcoming the illusion it held and sought to see again.

His eyes fluttered open and then slowly closed again as a reflexive swallow shot searing pains through his throat. _Fuck. _He breathed with his mouth open, trying to relax the small muscles around his jaw. _Fuck_, he thought again, and closed his eyes wanting the dream to return, to go home one last time.

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**Hermione's Realization **

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"Neville," she flew across the grounds and fell onto his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck and giving him a fierce hug. "When I couldn't find you I thought they had you. I had to come back to look."

He let himself take a moment of selfish rest before stepping back and pulling down her arms. "Where are they?"

"It's awful Neville, they breeched the castle. The giants are bringing down the walls and even the elves are fighting."

"Let's go." He clenched his jaw and began his long legged strides up to the castle as Hermione hurried by his side, nearly running to keep up.

"They got Remus, I saw him on my way down the main stairs."

"Where's Tonks?" He asked between his teeth, swallowing hard, not wanting to be part of this.

"I don't know. I haven't seen her, but there are a bunch of students trying to hold the Great Hall, and…Neville, it is awful, I didn't think it would be like this."

They both began running at the same time, both knowing there was an urgency that carried in the air and spun around them in angry waves of magic. Neville could feel the ground surge under his feet, and knew he was running on spilled blood that still held the memory of life. Warm and salty.

He guided Hermione to the stone path, watching her from the corner of his eye, not thinking she would know what the spent energy meant, hoping that a Muggle born would not know. He wondered if she had ever walked in a wizard cemetery, still fresh with an internment. At the main door, he smelled the smoke and with a goodbye look at Hermione, he waded into the foray.

She waited a split second, then looked back over her shoulder, feeling a pull, an almost voice, a whisper of smoke that pulled at her. She raised an eyebrow in question, then ignored the feeling, and setting her mouth in a thin line, turned back and followed the sounds of battle.

Too soon, and not soon enough, it was over. She looked at the tables filled with death and cried not for them, but for her failure to stop it, for not blocking the curse, or shielding a friend. There were so many, so many she had been unable to defend and looking around the room, she knew they all felt the same. If she'd had more time, if the battle had lasted longer, if she had fought harder, if she had been at the top of the stairs, not still running down the hallway, if….

"Hermione," Harry whispered, lifting up the hem of his cloak then dropping it down. "Are you Okay?"

"Yeah." She licked her lips and nodded to the tables. "I wish I could do something, I feel…"

"I know." He pulled her back into the shadows and lowered his cape. "I can't stop thinking about Snape. The Aurors won't round up the dead Death Eaters until all of ours are found."

"They'll want to talk to you, Harry. You need to do this. You need to let them know what you saw and make sure the Ministry doesn't try to change what happened."

He nodded and looked at the Weasleys. "You and Ronald need to be with me."

"Let him be, Harry." Hermione wiped her own eyes. "Let him be with his family right now. They need him, and he needs them. My gods, I can only imagine what Molly is feeling."

Harry nodded and stepped away from the wall. "I'll catch up with you later. Just don't leave before I get back."

She watched him leave and wrapped her arms around her waist, stepping back into the shadows to watch. The air seemed too still, too cold, too heavy. Finding it difficult to breathe she let her eyes wander around the room, looking for something she needed to find. Not knowing what it was until her eyes stopped at the Malfoy family.

She felt her tears start as she ran from the hall. She wanted to belong somewhere, to feel she belonged. She wanted to stand at one of the tables and be wrapped in the arms of those that still lived and made to feel that she was part of their tiny world. She wanted to grieve with them and not be afraid she was intruding. She wanted to fall apart and know that someone would put her together again. She had seen it in Draco's face, and the way his mother's hand covered his.

She stumbled down the front steps, landed on her knees, her head hanging down as she cried and gasped for air.

"You hurt, Miss?"

She looked up at the strange Auror and shook her head, feeling him grab her arm to help her stand.

"Sorry about this," he muttered, before yanking up her sleeve. "We have orders not to take any chances. We know who you are, but… well … we're not taking chances this time."

Hermione nodded, unable to look away from the growing pile of bodies behind him. "Where are you taking them?"

"Simple disposal." He moved, putting his body between her and the death eaters, shielding her eyes from the gore. "You should be inside. We can't be sure it's safe yet."

"I know," she looked up at him, tears still pooling in her eyes. "Simple disposal? What does that mean?"

"We will send them to the Ministry for identification, and then cremation. Even if we notify the families most won't be claimed."

"Oh."

"Leave your sleeve up." He shrugged. "It will help us and you won't be stopped again if we can see it."

She watched him walk away, and then began to formulate a plan, finding it easier to forget what was inside and slide into a different role. She wondered if they had found them all, she wondered how many would lie on the Ministry's tables and wondered which side would have truly won if the winning was in the dying. She thought of Ronald and how he counted pieces at the chess table, putting pawns to the side, telling her again and again they did not matter in the count. Only the pieces were important, and a pawn was not a piece.

_A pawn_, she looked down the sloping grounds toward the Whomping Willow, _a pawn does not count_.

She pulled her wand and held it loosely in her hand as she had learned to do, as he had taught her in lessons. He had taught her to stand ready, not to pull her wand unless she planned to use it, always ready to duel if she were ever to be on a battlefield. _He was not a pawn_, she thought as she began to run. Running to hide his body, to have it taken to the great hall instead of burnt at the Ministry, to have it laid on one of the honoured tables, and to have people grieve for him.


	2. The Darkest Comes Before the Dawn

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 2**

**The Darkest Comes Before the Dawn**

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Hermione skirted around Whomping Willow, not trusting that it would allow her in without taking a swipe at her. She frowned, and lifted her chin, as if a show of bravery would be enough to intimidate the tree into not accosting her. Scanning the grounds as she ran, moving her wand from side to side, she finally sunk to her knees and crawled into the hole where she and Harry had left him.

Her nose wrinkled as the coppery smell of blood and loosened bowels assailed her. Gagging behind her hand, she waited until she could breathe through her nose, clamping her mouth shut against the stench that had become so strong she could taste it in the air. Lowering her hand back to the damp ground, she continued moving until she was at last back to where they had left the dead potions Master.

Now that she had enough room to move her wand, she hastily cleaned the air and fell back onto her knees beside her teacher. He would be horrified to know that in the throes of death he had fouled himself. She felt her mouth try to turn down and her lower lip begin to tremble as she pointed her wand at his trousers and hoped she could clean him enough to lend him some dignity.

Closing her eyes, she let her chin fall to her chest and began to sob. So many were lost tonight, so many she would never see again. _I need to do this_, she thought as she opened her eyes, lifted her head, and looked at the prone body in front of her. She tentatively looked at his chest, and saw his gently curled fingers. Without thinking, her hand automatically turned his over, exposing the callused pads on his fingers and the scars on his palms.

Hermione gasped as an epiphany washed over her. She snapped her eyes to his face and in a breathless rush called to him. Placing her hand on his face she turned his head slowly towards her, brought her wand up with her other, and whispered _Lumos_ in an awed voice. _My gods_, she thought, _my gods, his hand is warm. Supple and warm. _

She jumped up and stepped back, as if he had scalded her with the touch of his skin. It was impossible, impossible to have had survived what he had been through tonight. Pressing her back to the wall, she took deep breaths, needing to calm herself before she could approach him again. They had not checked to see if he still breathed, to see if there had been hope, so sure that no one could have survived.

Waiting until the sound of her own heartbeat no longer pounded in her ears, she held her wand in front of her and inched closer. She froze seeing his eyes open and look directly at her. His lips moved and his outstretched hand reflexively clenched, his fingers curling into a fist, or the ghost of a grip around a wand. A sound, not unlike the hiss of a snake was the only thing she heard as she crept closer, not sure if it was an attempt to talk or his breath leaving his lungs. She lowered her eyes to stare at his mouth, willing herself to read his lips and understand what he wanted without going closer. _He should be dead_, she thought, _we left him because he should be dead._

She lowered down onto one knee, leaning back, as if he would reach out and grab her. Still with her eyes fixed on his mouth, she took a deep breath and leaned forward, for a moment forgetting her fear in her need to hear him. Lowering her head, she stared at him, willing to hear his voice.

Hermione shook her head, as again the only sound she heard was a hiss of air. Laying her wand down, she braced herself on the floor with her hands, turning her head and putting her ear to his mouth.

"Finish it."

"No!" She sprung back and sat on her heels, horrified that he would ask. "I can't do that Professor, I can't."

He closed his eyes and she thought she heard a sigh as he fell back unconscious. Looking past the gouges that raked down his face, she suddenly seemed to wake up and know that he needed medical care, and he needed it now. This was not the time for self-recriminations.

"Lumos," she said firmly, and put her wand in the air, to levitate over his neck, shining a bead of light into his wounds. She took a deep breath, grabbed hold of his ripped collar and pulled it down.

She expected to see a mass of ragged edges and a gaping wound, but what she saw was a wound, nearly healed. She pulled the wand down lower and studied the dressing. Sitting back on her heels she looked at the floor around him and wondered how he had managed to bring anything with him, and wondered how he could have done this, when he had been in no condition to treat himself. She knew he had been as close to death as he could have been.

Standing up, she took her wand and searched the room, looking for any hint of medical supplies that could have been hidden before the battle. Then looking back at his prone body she chewed her lip and considered her next step. She couldn't take him to St. Mungo's. She was sure a Death Eater would go untreated, and to take him to the castle would be the same as signing his death warrant. The place was still crawling with Aurors and parents that would finish off what Nagini had started not asking questions or caring.

"Professor," she whispered, falling to her knees next to him. "Don't worry, I'll think of something."

She pulled up the hem of her uniform, ripped a small piece of fabric, and transfiguring it into a blanket she covered him. Considering making him a pillow, she looked at the wound, and decided not to move his head until the healing was more complete. Thin threads of white tissue were the only thing holding the wound closed. She would wait until he was more stable, until the Aurors had left, or until she could think of something else to do.

On the path back to the castle, Hermione saw Aurors searching the grounds and coming closer to the Whomping Willow. She began to run. If they found him, she knew he would not live long enough to go to trial. It would be a feather in the cap of any Auror that could bring down Severus Snape. She needed help.

She couldn't find Harry, knowing that he would either be in the Headmaster's office or at the Ministry answering questions, or being hidden away until the grounds were cleared, she scanned the Great Hall for someone else that may be able to help her. Her lip curled up as she saw the small Malfoy family sitting together. She fought an urge to pull her wand and hex them all.

Looking beyond them, she saw not who was here, but who was missing and fought back a sob. That is when she realized how quiet it was, how quiet the sound of crying could be. Gut retching sounds came from the families that gathered around the long tables that held the bodies. An occasional wail of anguish could be heard when a mother found a child's body, curses moaned in a father's grief filled the room, joined by the sobs of students and staff alike.

"Grams wants to know if you'll come home with us," Neville's voice came from behind her. "She knows you don't have anywhere to go. You know, with your parents and all."

"What?" She fought to concentrate on what he was saying and tear her mind away from the horror in front of her. "I … I hadn't thought it, I mean… I don't know … are they sending everyone home?"

"Those that still have someone at home should go. Some are staying because …" He swallowed hard and blinked back his own tears. "Katie just found out she's alone. Her parents are both gone."

"I guess I'll stay here then." She wanted to hug him, but knew if she did, she would fall apart.

"I have to do something first," he took her elbow and pulled her back to the wall. "It's about him, Snape."

"You? It was you that tried to heal him? My god, Neville, he made it, he's alive."

"I … it was Nagini, I saw … it was like I saw what happened. I think the sword did it. I've been thinking that it's like Fawkes. It … he was loyal to the Headmaster and I think the sword somehow knew that too and showed me where he was. This past year I thought he was with the Carrows, everyone did, but … I don't know, Hermione, what I felt and saw when the sword was in Nagini ... I saw it because he was loyal. I just had the feeling that he loved the Headmaster as much … more than we did." Neville shrugged and looked around nervously.

"He's alive, whatever you did worked." She laid her hand on his arm and looked up to him tearfully. "But he is weak. He's going to die if something more isn't done."

"The leeching moss should be changed, and he needs a Blood-Replenishing potion."

"You happened to have leeching moss? What? You just happened to have it in your pocket?"

"Yeah, well … I thought if I got hit with a _Sectumsempra_ I could pack the wound against infection." He swallowed hard. "I used it on Snape with some of Nagini's blood. I thought it might draw out the poison if I could get it started. You know, sort of tell the moss what to suck out, get it started, I think Muggles say osmosis…something like that."

"I don't know if it's working like that, but the wound is closing. Neville, we have to get him out of there before they find him or he tries to move."

"He can't."

"Why? Is … you gave him the potion? The one for pain? My gods, Neville, you gave him the whole thing?"

"Yeah, well … I didn't think he should move around."

Hermione snorted. "Move? He's lucky he is breathing."

"He was bad off, Hermione. If he tried to move before his throat healed he would bleed to death."

"What now? We have to find somewhere to hide him."

"Tell Madam Pomfrey, let her take care of him." Neville searched the room looking for the mediwitch.

"She won't leave here, not until the students are all taken care of and by that time it may be too late." Hermione frowned. "She doesn't know about him yet, she may not be willing to help. She may still think he is… you know."

"I don't know, Hermione. Look around. No one is going to think to look for him for a while, maybe we can get him out."

"The Aurors are almost to the Willow. If they find the burrow hole they'll find him, and you know as well as I do that they will say he was already dead when they found him."

Neville looked at his grandmother who stood with her arm around Molly Weasley. "Give me a minute."

"Oh, Neville, no! Not after what she has gone through!"

"You don't know her very well." He grinned sheepishly. "Sometimes … Okay, _most _of the time she is scary, but she's mad at them all. Not just the Death Eaters, but … well, the Order too. She never understood why Dumbledore let it go on so long, and why she was never asked to help, add that to the fact that she blames the Aurors for not getting to Mum and Dad in time to help and she is exactly what we need."

"But, Neville, she… well, she's…"

"She's not as old as Dumbledore was, if that's what you're trying not to say," he said, frowning.

"Then you ask her. In the meantime I'm heading up to the infirmary and stealing whatever we need."


	3. Grandma’s House

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 3**

**Grandma's House**

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Augusta said the only good thing about caring for Snape was the fact that he did not talk to her. Of course, the reason he could not talk was the hex she had put on him. However, _that, _she had insisted, was to save the stress on his throat. She had become quite the master of glares and sneers. Not that she had to practice much, but Neville would later claim that it was this time, with Snape recovering in the spare room, that helped perfect her ability to strike fear in all she met.

The first week he had lain in bed with Augusta hovering over him, he had not been aware of the number of times she had changed his bandages, poured potions down his throat and rolled him from side to side to avoid bed sores. The second week, the former Death Eater had gritted his teeth to stop from shouting out in pain, as she seemed to take delight in knocking into the bed with her knees at every opportunity.

It was the third week when she hexed him, rendering him speechless. She no longer had to listen to his sarcastic comments, and he no longer had to protect his image by showing off his quick wit. It was a good arrangement, and seemed to be an arrangement that would only speed his healing. Neville would carry in the food trays and lift him up, wedging pillows behind him to enable him to eat, lifting the spoon for him when the task became too much.

At first, when Neville would do this, he tried to look away and not watch, as Snape occasionally needed his chin wiped as dribbles of soup made their way out of his mouth. He would press a napkin into the professor's hand and walk to the window, looking out and feigning interest until he heard Snape painfully clear his throat before turning back to help.

Neville gradually grew more comfortable with the strange patient, and when the professor no longer drilled him with his eyes or curled his lip when he entered the room, he found himself visiting Snape as if he were visiting his parents. The Daily Prophet was on the tray each day that he carried up the morning tray, and after coaxing him to eat, Neville would sit and read it aloud, commenting on each article.

"You know, Professor, this last year I thought you were putting on a show. That time Colin was … Colin Creevey … he had detention with Filtch, you sent him back to his room and then told Carrow that you didn't know about it. It was your eyes. You kept looking down the hallway until he was in the dorms. You looked … relieved." He looked at Snape's face but saw no sign of emotion, or any sign that he had even heard the comment. "Sorry, I just wanted to tell you that, and I think you tried to protect all of us from the detentions."

Snape lifted his hand and Accioed a quill and parchment. He yanked the tray back, smoothed the parchment flat and began to write.

"You are getting quite good at that. Don't let Grams see it though. She'll tie your hands up. When she said no magic she meant no magic, not just wand magic." Neville grinned.

Snape shoved the note at Neville, pointing to it and tapping his finger noisily on its corner. Picking it up, watching Snape from the corner of his eye, he lowered his head to see what was written, and began to laugh.

"I don't think so Professor. We had to cut them off you, right nasty they were. Grams took some of Dad's things into the tailor. Should be back in time for the … for court."

"Speaking of which you need a Solicitor young man," Augusta declared as she swept into the room. "How are we feeling today?"

Snape glared at Neville, pressed his lips into a straight line, and folded his arms across his chest.

"He didn't finish his lunch again, and only tea for breakfast," Neville muttered as he picked up the tray. "He wants to get dressed."

"The tailor said they can't be fixed. He said some nonsense about them being out of fashion and rotten threads in the seams. Gave him a piece of my mind." She busied herself checking Snape's wound then tried to pull the blanket back to take a peak under it only to have Snape slap her hands away. "Fine, get bed sores. See if I'll put salve on your arse, and you can bet your donuts I won't have my grandson do it if that's what you are after."

"Grams!" Neville turned red and Severus soundlessly sputtered and fumed.

"Now, I have to run back down to that infernal Ministry. You should fire the Solicitor that I found for you, but you cannot afford to. He is the only one that will take the case, but he wants 10,000 galleons in advance so when you lose he's not out anything."

"He needs one Grams, without one he won't even get a real trial, you know that," Neville said quietly. "Malfoy is the only one to get off so far."

Severus picked up the water glass from next to the bed and flung it at Neville who easily ducked it.

"That's enough," Augusta chided, pulled her wand and brought up a railing alongside the bed, then reached out and grabbed Severus' wrists, securing him quickly. "Keep an eye on him until I get back. If he needs to use the loo … bring a bed pan, he can sit."

Neville watched her leave, then closed his mouth and turned back to Snape. "Umm, no … don't worry…."

"Neville!" Grams called from the bottom level of the house. "On second thought just leave him piss himself. Come with me."

Neville ran down the stairs and joined her, thinking it better to be out in public with the old lady than to be stuck in a room with a bedpan and Snape. He took her elbow and ever the gentlemen, escorted her into the floo.

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"I am sorry Mrs. Longbottom, however you are not his legal guardian and until one can be appointed we have no choice but to disburse his funds as we see fit. And what we see fit to do at this time is to freeze his vault and all Muggle accounts until he is exonerated."

"And how will he manage that without a solicitor? Only one of those slime balls will take his case and he wants 10,000 galleons in advance. Now, what do you expect me to do about that?"

"Laws are laws."

"Right, and some witches are bitches. Now, I need you to release some of his funds and I need you to do it at once."

"Shame that," the clerk smiled. "His trial is set for the twentieth. If he is not there, you will be held responsible since you refuse to release him prior to that."

"He is an invalid, hell and damnation woman, he is still abed recovering. You have no right to him before you have evidence enough to convict him, and you are sorely lacking in that." She spun on her heel and marched angrily into the hallway, muttering under her breath. "Get up, Neville. We are going home."

"I'm meeting Hermione for lunch." He stood up nervously. "I just sent an owl, from the post in the lobby. She gets out of lessons in a few minutes."

Augusta scowled, then looked back at the clerk's room and smiled. "Do bring the dear child to the Leaky Cauldron. My treat."

"I'll ask her, but she said something about a new…"

"Now, now, I'll have none of that. Tell her I am an old woman and demand she shows some respect. I only took in your professor because of her pleas and tears. She has not once thanked me or come to visit him, and after all I have done she can meet us. At least she can show common manners and join me for lunch, for which I am paying."

"I'll try," he muttered and headed for the lift. "If one doesn't kill me the other will."

An hour later, they sat together at the Leaky Cauldron, Hermione, smiling and nodding at Augusta's stories, Neville wincing at her kicks, which she delivered to his shins under the table.

"Mrs. Longbottom, as nice as it is of you to buy my lunch I really should be going."

"My Neville said you were going to school locally."

"Well, not exactly, like I told Neville they are letting me audit the rest … audit, that means they let me sit in class, only not for grades… anyway, term is over in a couple of weeks and I thought I may look into going back to Hogwarts for the next term. I never finished my seventh year and they have made arrangements for anyone that wants to go back."

"You didn't finish your Seventh Year? My Neville managed to finish by working ahead and begging his professors for lessons beyond what the rest of the students were working on, but you were out gallivanting around I hear."

"Yes, Mrs. Longbottom," she said politely as she saw Neville snigger.

"Your Professor Snape needs you to sign this," she muttered as she dug through her oversized handbag. "More court papers."

"What now?" Hermione sighed and leaned over the table, trying to read the document upside down. "Why is it written in runes?"

"I told you, these things are impossible to understand. Neville, be a dear and run get me some ice water. None of that awful swill they have here, down the Alley, some of the bottled stuff I have taken a liking to. There's a dear, such a good boy."

Hermione wanted to throw something at his back and call him a traitor for leaving her. Instead, she turned and smiled politely at Augusta just wanting to be done with this.

"Now, Hermione, dear child, do you happen to have 10,000 galleons?"

"No," she said incredulously, not knowing if she should laugh or be insulted.

"Then I am afraid you will have to sign this."

"Because I don't have 10,000 galleons?"

"No, because Snape does."

Hermione looked at her and looked back at the parchment. "Mrs. Longbottom, I know legal documents are different here, and I know they are based on very old laws, often going back hundreds of years, but why do I have to sign that."

"It's a legal document is all."Augusta slid it over to Hermione, and made a grand show of looking at her watch. "Hurry now, they close at three today."

"It's only one," Hermione muttered as she squinted to look at the document. "What is the hurry?"

"He needs a solicitor and with a legal guardian his vault can be opened to pay for it. So, once this is signed I have a lot to do."

"And why me?" Hermione bit the end of the quill and tried to make out the runes.

"Neville already takes care of Frank and Alice, I'm not about to add a Death Eater to his list."

"But, Snape's not a Death Eater."

"Child, he has too much to do. If Snape has to go to St. Mungo's I can't ask Neville to look after him as well, and I am too old."

"So, what does all this entail?"

"Once he has a … think of it as a legal guardianship … his vault is instantly opened and his bills can be paid, including but not limited to the small fortune I owe on his potions and his Solicitor. Now, hurry dear, before Neville returns and feels obligated to do this. I can get the bills paid, and make sure he doesn't look like a Death Eater come trial. Have you seen how he dresses? I will not have him showing up in black looking every bit the evil git he no doubt is. You just need to sign this and get his funds released and I can pick up a nice new set of robes for him. "

"Oh good grief," Hermione pulled the document towards her and signed it, then watched as it glowed and disappeared. "There. Good enough?"

"Fine, just fine." Augusta smiled widely. "Now, did you want to see him?"

"Snape?" she frowned. "No, I would rather not. Mrs. Longbottom, I've only seen Neville a couple of times and Harry and Ronald only at the funerals. I'm staying at my parents house, until it can be sold at least. I just … its difficult to go back. I just need more time."

"I understand dear," she cooed.

"Anyway, I am really considering going back to Hogwarts and taking my last year over. I missed most of it, and if I get my N.E.W.T.S., I may be able to make enough to support myself without the sale of the house. If they ever come back … well, I just don't want to lose it."

"You will come to the trial?"

"If I am needed. I just want a couple more weeks to sort things out. Mrs Longbottom, just have Neville let me know when the trial is and I will be more than glad to attend."

"His Solicitor may need to see you and Harry before the trial, you know, just to … "

"I understand." She pushed her chair back and stood up smiling. "Give Neville my best and I will plan on seeing you in a couple of weeks."

Neville got back just in time to see Hermione step out into Muggle London, he collected his Grandmother and at her insistence took her into the Alley to buy his old professor a set of new clothes and pay the potion maker her rather large bill..


	4. His Legal Guardian

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 4**

**His Legal Guardian**

* * *

Hermione arrived early, wanting to make sure she did not get lost finding the solicitor's office. She took a taxi to the address on the card, and once on the pavement, flipped it over to see the Wizarding address stamped on the back. It took her an hour to find the secret door, not being able to tell which one the Muggles could not see. _At least he could put up a sign_, she thought angrily.

She had to open the door with both arms, leaning back and struggling to get it open enough to squeeze in. The Hallway was dark and smelled of something she could not place, but was sure she had once smelled the same thing in the bottom drawer of the fridge after coming home from holiday. The long narrow hallway ended at a staircase. Climbing the steps, she wanted to shriek when a shadow darted across her feet. _Great_, she thought, _mice ghosts_, and then she giggled thinking how like Snape it was to find a solicitor in a place like this.

"I am here to see a Mr. Dobbins," she told the purple haired witch sitting behind a large sign that told her where to register.

"You must be Mrs. Snape."

"No, Miss. Granger, Hermione Granger. I have an appointment with Mr. Dobbins."

"I don't see it in the book. I see he has one with a Mrs. Snape."

"No, it's about Mr. Snape, Professor Severus Snape, but I am Hermione Granger. I was to meet him and Harry Potter."

"Oh, Mr. Potter is already here, but I still don't see your name."

"Listen, I don't even think there is a Mrs. Snape. If there is, I would be sincerely surprised and sympathetic. Just tell Mr. Dobbins and Mr. Potter that a Miss _Granger_ is here."

"Hermione?" Harry walked out of Mr. Dobbin's office and grinned at her.

"Harry!" She threw her arms around him and gave him a hug before stepping back and laughing up at him. "It seems like I haven't seen you for ages."

"How are you doing? Better?" Harry said seriously. "You haven't been around much. Ron has been wanting to see you."

"Most of the time I'm fine, I still wake up in the middle of the night and cry a lot." She smiled thinly. "I just can't see him now, I can't … but tell him … tell him soon. I just need time."

"I know. I think all of us are having problems. Ronald's a right mess."

"I haven't even owled him, I just can't Harry. I can't. He needs someone to support him and I can't do it."

"He understands, we ... we talked about it." He shrugged his shoulders and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I think he needs time too, you know, just to heal."

"Mrs. Snape?" Andrew Dobbins stuck his head out of his office. "If we could get started please?"

"Miss. Granger, I told your receptionist, Miss. Hermione Granger." She rolled her eyes and grabbed Harry's arm, pulling him into the room with her. "They got the names mixed up."

"Umm, Hermione?" Harry led her to the table and pulled out a chair for her. "You'd better sit down."

"Thanks." She sat, slid her shoulder bag onto the floor under the table and shrugged off her jumper. "Now, where do we start?"

Later, Hermione would not remember much of what happened then. She would remember standing in front of Harry, holding his face with one hand, her wand with her other as Mr. Dobbins tried to wrestle it away from her, while the purple-haired bimbo from the outer office pried her fingers off Harry's face. She would remember spitting at Dobbin, and her fist connecting with the witch's nose, but other than that, it was a blur.

She could hear Harry' voice, it was far away, through a fog, she needed to get to him. She fought to sit up, but felt a hand pushing her down.

"Is she always this excitable?" Mr. Dobbins leaned over Harry's shoulder to look at her, and then returned to his desk when Harry levelled him with a glare.

"Hermione?"

"Harry?" she said groggily, "I must have fallen down. What…?"

"Just take it easy," he frowned at her. "It'll be Okay, really it will, we can figure something out."

"Help me up." She pulled herself up and lowered her legs over the side of the sofa until she was sitting properly. "I don't remember a sofa."

"Give it a moment." Harry grinned. "I'm sure it'll all come back."

"My god." She leaned forward covering her face with her hands. "She tricked me, Augusta Longbottom tricked me. Neville's grandmother … I'll kill her. I will. I will… that bitch!"

"Hermione, she must have done the same thing to Snape," Harry reasoned with her. "I don't think he will be overly pleased about this either."

"Don't tell him. Harry he mustn't know. Don't tell him."

"Mrs. Snape, you can…"

"Don't you dare call me that," she screamed. "Where is it? My wand, where is it?"

Harry sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. "Listen, get through the trial. After it's over, I will go with you to the Ministry and get this thing overturned. You should be able to get an annulment, you were tricked."

"Umm, Mr. Potter, that may not be completely correct," Dobbins offered. "The document was accepted, magically."

"I was tricked you idiot!"

"What exactly were you told?"

"Just that he need a legal guardian, someone to … to take care of him."

"There you have it. You accepted, legally, responsibility for his care. It comes with the marriage."

"Then we will do something else. Don't marriages have to be consummated?" Harry smiled.

"Oh my god, I am going to vomit." Hermione wailed and hid her face in her hands again.

"Consummation is not a requirement," Dobbins added.

"That's good." Harry grinned and nodded at her.

"That's awful, Harry, that means I can't get a divorce just because I won't fuck him."

"Umm," Harry stammered and turned red.

"Get over it, Harry," she hissed at him. "And what do you expect me to tell Ronald? That I told him I wanted to wait until we were married to go to bed, but now what? I … oh no, I can't do this. I don't even want to see Ronald's face when he hears and … oh, my gods… the trial… he will be there. Get Ron, get him here now, I can fuck him and get a divorce."

"He's going to find out."

"You tell him, Harry, please? I can't … I just can't." She sobbed into her hands. "He'll kill me, or Snape, or … gods, this can't be happening."

"He'll understand," Harry said softly, and then heard her snort. "Okay, he won't understand, but once we get it all sorted out he'll be fine."

"Mr. Dobbins, do you handle divorces?" Hermione snapped up her head.

"Divorce is very difficult in the Wizarding world, Mrs. Sn… Miss Granger. Furthermore, your type of marriage did not stipulate infidelity as a reason for divorce."

"Yeah, I get it," she hissed. "How much?"

"Miss Granger, I assure…"

"How much, my _husband _is paying. Cost is not an issue, clear out his vaults, take it all, I don't care and I am sure he would insist on it."

"Think of it this way, your current husband is being put on trial for being a Death Eater. He also tortured children, misappropriated funds, conspired to overthrow the government, committed murder … shall I go on?"

"That's ridiculous. He has never stolen in his life!" She lifted her chin, and then turned to Harry. "That didn't sound right."

"And that is exactly the problem we will have at the trial. The Ministry has accused him of doing things that he did do. There is no question about that. What we have to show is the why. You see, Mrs…Miss Granger, this world is different. Here, the intent is the important thing, not the action."

"So I can't press charges against Augusta Longbottom?"

"No, I am afraid not, but for now we must focus on Mr. Snape."

"Fuck Snape! How do I get out of this? I'll rip her fucking head off!"

"If he is found guilty you will be quite free, and a wealthy widow."

"What? You're suggesting that we…"

"Not at all, I am giving you one scenario."

"That's my best chance?"

"I am afraid so."

"Harry? Don't testify."

"Hermione, we can't. Bloody hell, he won't make it out alive. You know that. We'll figure something out."

"Then you have to tell Professor Snape about our… you know… before he shows up." Hermione turned and glared at Dobbins.

"Yes, I must say I do hope he is under restraint, he may take his poorly."

"I hope he's not. I hope he is up and about, make sure there is a knife near by, maybe he will slit his own throat."

"Hermione!"

"I know, I know…" she sat at the table while Harry transfigured the sofa back to his desk chair and took a seat next to her. "Let's get started. The sooner we do this, the sooner he gets off and the sooner you are Miss. Granger again."

.

.

Hermione filled out her questionnaire only to return the next day and do it again. On the third day, Mr. Dobbins asked her the same questions aloud, scowling and taking pages of notes. She knew Harry was doing the same thing down the hallway, no doubt biting the end of his quill and cursing under his breath. She only hoped tomorrow would go as easily as answering the questions Dobbins shot at her. He assured her they were the last two that had offered to help, and that many more witness had come forward. She sighed in relief, hoping his trial would be over quickly.

The next morning she paid close attention to her appearance. Not wanting to look like the schoolgirl she was, she magically altered one of her mother's business suits to fit her, tied up her hair, and slid on a pair of heels. Looking in the mirror, she sighed then headed for the floo.

As soon as she stepped out at the Ministry flashbulbs popped in her face and she was crowded to the wall as reporters from every corner of the magical world assaulted her, asking questions, and demanding she give them an interview. She held her purse in front of her face, edging down the hallway with her back against the wall. Suddenly a pair of arms covered her with a cloak, and holding her tightly, propelled her down the hallway.

"Ronald," she said tearfully, recognising who it was without needing to see his face. "Thank gods you are here."

He pulled her into a room and shut the door before releasing her and stepping back. Hermione flung her arms around his neck, standing on her toes to reach him only to feel him push her away.

"Why'd you do it?" he choked. "I thought we meant something to each other. I thought we had an agreement."

"We did, we do, Ronald. It was a mistake. Not that I married him but how." She saw his face grow hard and angry. "No, I mean … I was tricked. I didn't know what I was doing. Didn't Harry tell you how it happened?"

"I don't care how it happened, I only care that I lost you."

"No, Ronald." She reached up to cup his cheek to see him flinch. "We will talk later, okay? I have to do this now, and so do you, but you haven't lost me."

"Tonight?"

"Yes, love, we'll talk tonight." She smiled as relief flood her. "I can't lose you. You must know that I care for you."

He nodded at a door on the far side of the room. "That's the witness holding area. I told that Solicitor of Snape's that I would collect you."

"You're not a witness?"

"No, I went and talked to them, but I really didn't see anything you and Harry didn't. That and I can't very well give him high marks on character can I now Mrs. Snape."

"Ronald, don't do this, please."

"I'm sorry, Hermione, but I can't let it go. I buried a brother because of the likes of him. How would you have me act?" He lifted his chin, only to let it go again, and left without a word.

She could not see who else was in the room through the charms that obscured them. She soon found that the spells extended to verbal communications as well. Unable to see or hear who was in the room with her, she was left watching the clock and worrying her lip.

Almost three hours later, she heard her name called. Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the courtroom. It was silent, much too silent she thought. She lifted her chin and saw every seat taken, in both the audience and the judging stands. Not knowing what to do, she looked around for Dobbins, but instead saw Snape glowering at her.

"Please have a seat," Head Justice MacGillian waved to the witness chair that sat in the middle of the floor, at the bottom of tiered spectator seats.

Hermione walked stiffly forward , not looking at Severus and sat, folded her hands in her lap, put her knees together, and gently moved them sideways.

"Are you comfortable Mrs. Snape?"

"Quite."

"Would you like a glass of water?"

"No thank you."

"I take it you are familiar with the accused?"

"Yes sir."

"Quite familiar?" He grinned to the amusement of the crowd.

She pressed her lips together and glared at him.

"I see. Mrs. Snape, when were you first aware that your husband was a Death Eater?"

"I am not aware of that at all. He served in the…"

"You will keep your answers to the point, Mrs. Snape, or may I call you Hermione?"

"No, Mrs. Snape is fine." She wanted to see him lose his smirk and was quite pleased when he did.

"I believe that you and you alone are responsible for your husband's recovery. Am I correct in this?"

"I am sorry, sir, I do not understand the question. Are you asking if you believe it, or that the information itself is correct?"

"Both."

"No and No," she smirked. "No. You do not believe it, not even this court is that stupid, and no, the information that you refer to is incorrect."

"I see."

"Is that a question, sir?" She snipped and was rewarded with an amused murmur from the crowd.

"And who did assist you?"

"No one."

"You testified that you did not do this alone. Now you say you did. Which is the lie?"

"Since I did not heal him, I was not assisted, therefore both of my answers are truths."

"Mrs. Snape did you know that your husband was responsible for the death of Harry Potter's parents."

"No, I was and am not aware of it. He did not …"

"Are you aware that during his time as a Death Eater he not only killed but raped?"

"No, he ..." she paused and shot Severus a look, unable to read his face, unable to know the answer. "No, I have no knowledge of that."

"You are aware that he has fooled his court before?"

"No, I … Sir, if that was for crimes for which he was exonerated you can not bring it up now."

"Mrs. Snape, you will leave procedural comments to your husband's Solicitor."

"He's an arse, the Solicitor, not my husband. " She heard Severus snort and looked at him, surprise to see him nod at her.

"What were the memories he handed down to Mr. Potter."

"Since they were given to Mr. Potter, you will have to ask Mr. Potter or my husband, since I have not seen them."

"You are friends with Mr. Longbottom are you not?"

"Yes."  
"And you are aware that your husband is responsible for his parent's condition."

"No I am not, and may I add neither are you. The records clearly show that all those involved with the Longbottom incident were incarcerated. So unless you are saying your own records are in error you know this is a lie."

"Is it true that Mr. Snape was your teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?

"Yes."

"It is true that you are at this time a seventh year student?"

"Yes."

"Is it true that you and your teacher had an illicit affair?"

"What?" She gasped as the murmurs of the spectators grew.

"I think this would be a good place to leave it for the day," Head Justice MacGillian smiled.

"Dobbins!" Hermione hissed.

"I demand that question be answered." Severus spoke for the first time, straining against the restraints that held his arms to his chair.

"It's a lie and you know it!" Hermione shouted to MacGillian's back. "Get back here!"

She stood with her fists to her side watching the judges file out of the room as flashbulbs again went off around her. She spun and looked at Snape, watching as the Aurors surrounded him to lead him out of the room.

She turned back to the courtroom, searching for Ronald.


	5. The Trial Continues

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 5**

**The Trial Continues**

* * *

Hermione paced in front of the floo waiting for Ronald. She had sent two owls that went unanswered and now she felt desperate to contact him. Dobbins had advised her not to leave home that evening, or in anyway encourage the prosecution into questioning her private life. If she knew Molly, she was holding Ronald back, not letting him visit for the same reason.

Two days ago, she thought of the trial as a function easily done with. She thought that somehow Dobbins was there to help her, to step in and stop the assault of questions. Now, she sat on the floor in front of the fireplace waiting for Ronald to step through, knowing she had been naive. He was there for Snape. He would not help her, she was not important.

She remembered the look on Severus' face. She had selfishly thought his dark scowl was for her, his disapproval for Augusta's ruse. She lowered her head and began to cry. He knew he was going to Azkaban and the kiss of the Dementor that would be waiting. A Kiss still allowed only for Death Eaters. Unable to sleep, she walked through the house, standing in the doorways of the rooms and wished her parents home.

It was not yet light out as she finished dressing for court. A tapping at the window caught her attention, and letting the small barn owl in, she untied the missive from its leg and read the note from Neville. She sighed and laid it down. Augusta was ill. Neville had taken her to St. Mungo's. She worried about Neville, and wondered what would happen to him if he lost his Grandmother so soon after losing so many. She wanted to go to him, but the look on Severus' face flashed in front of her. Unsure if her going to St. Mungo's could be taken as anything other than what it was, she sat at the table and wrote a reply, telling him she was sorry, and would see him after the trial, explaining that being there with him now would only put everything Augusta had done at risk.

As she watched the owl fly away, she thought of the trial, and of what she could expect later that day. She clenched her jaw and thought of the reporters. She remembered how they had swarmed around her. Getting angry all over again, she determined that this time she would not cower and act the child, this time she would stand up to them. She continued pacing until it was time to leave and then with a firm resolve flooed once again to the Ministry.

An Auror met her and took her to the same room she had been in the day before, only this time the halls were empty of reporters. She was thankful that they had at least protected her today, but was still fuming about their lack of concern the day before when the door opened and Severus was thrust in the room. She spun around at the sound of metal on metal, not seeing him beyond the chain that extended from his iron collar, through his manacled hands and ended at the chain that held his feet.

"Oh my gods," she whispered, tearing her eyes upwards to his eyes. "Why did they do that?"

"Impressions," he spat. "If I am seen for what I am it makes it easier for those on the fence to send me to Azkaban."

"But, this is not who you are."

"Yes … Miss Granger, it is."

"I didn't think they let you talk to the witnesses."

"Oh, but you are not just any witness. You are my _wife_," he sneered.

The flatness of his voice, and the slow way that he spoke alerted her to his anger. She swallowed hard and tried to avoid his eyes.

"How did she get you to sign the document?"

"My signature was not needed Miss Granger. As a prisoner I am not…"

"You were not a prisoner you were at the Longbottom house," she snapped.

"I was a prisoner in the custody of Augusta Longbottom. I thought you were the brightest witch of our times, Miss. Granger. However, it would appear you are the most foolish. She signed for me."

"Once you are free we will ..."

"And if I am not?"

"Then I will spend all your money, sell your books and have your carcass dumped in the North Sea,"' she hissed. "Listen, I have not slept in over 24 hours, I have not eaten for two days. I am hungry, tired and don't give a rats arse about you right now. I will finish what I started, because it is the right thing to do, but if you give me any grief over this, you will be picking your teeth out of _your_ arse. Got it?"

"I see the grieving sympathetic wife role seems to suit you, it should play well to the crowd. However, you must understand that I would have gone to Azkaban willingly if I thought you were the alternative. In my mind the prison you may keep me from is the one I would prefer."

"Do you think for one moment I want this? My best chance to get rid of you, in your solicitor's words, is that they find you guilty. For that advice, you are paying 10,000 galleons. I could kill you for half of that."

"Do you have your wand?" he seethed. "I'll pay double."

"If I had my wand you wouldn't be sitting there."

"Get your time turner, find Minerva, and learn how to perform wandless magic. I am sure you are capable, all you need is drive and purpose."

"You son of a bitch!" Hermione saw his smirk and realized what he had done. "You came in here just to make me angry so I couldn't … couldn't … whatever."

"I thought it would take much longer," he smirked. "It used to take me at least half the lesson to anger you this much."

"Arse ."

"Wife."

"I'm going to kill Neville if he did all this and you wind up dead anyway. And just so you know I believe in cremation, you won't get a funeral."

Severus managed to sit in one of the chairs, and looked up at her under his brows. "He has my respect. You must tell him that."

"He saved your arse, and all he has is your respect?"

"He conducted himself with valour at the battle. From killing Nagini, to his part in bringing down Fenrir, he has my respect. I have seldom heard of such presence of mind on the battle field in one so young."

"What of the others? Of.."

Severus held up his hand to silence her, only to have it stopped by the chain. "Potter fought, yes, in a battle he was thrust into, in a war started before he was born and with a prophesy to fill. Your friend Mr. Weasley ran pall-mall into the foray with no plan, only knowing to throw curses. Mr. Longbottom did differently. "

"I will … you can tell him yourself, when you thank him for saving your sorry life."

"I am quite ready to die, Miss Granger. I had fully expected to die in the final battle, whatever happens now is of no concern. However, if you do not conduct yourself better than you did yesterday, if you let them ruin your reputation, your life in this world will be over. You need to fight them. You need to keep your honour. If you lose that, there will be nothing left for you here. Don't give them an inch."

"You're kidding? You can't mean that. No one should just roll over and want to die. What have you been fighting for all these years if that is all you want?"

The door opened and two Aurors came in. One jerked on Severus' manacles, bringing him to his feet while the other began to escort Hermione back to the courtroom. She pulled away and ran to Severus, grabbing his arms and making him look at her.

"Tell me why you wanted to see me. It couldn't have been just to tell me to fight the bastards."

He raised his eyes to her face and intoned evenly. "No, it was not."

"Take him," Kingsley said from the doorway. "Mrs. Snape, you are wanted in the courtroom. May I?"

"Please," she whispered and took his arm. "What is happening?"

"He gets five minutes with a family member to put his affairs in order prior to his sentencing."

"That's what this was?"

"I imagine so, he has no one left. If they deem him guilty, he will either be dead or receive the kiss before we leave this building. Potter and the others are speaking to his crimes, but to talk away his affiliation with the Dark Lord may be impossible I am afraid."

Hermione suddenly had an idea. She pulled Kingsley down to her and whispered into his ear. She nodded as a look of understanding crossed his face and watched him hurry out of the door.

Hermione frowned and worried her lip, as she walked into the courtroom alone and again walked to the witness chair. He had no one, no one to spend his last five minutes with. She looked at Severus from the corner of her eye and thought about what Kingsley had just said, then swallowing hard she tuned to the Judges realizing that she had no one as well.

"Good morning, Mrs. Snape."

"No," she smirked. "Oh, forgive me. I thought that was your first question. It is not a good morning at all."

"Yesterday we were just examining your relationship with Mr. Snape."

"No sir, you were making unfounded charges that have nothing to do with this trial and are not part of the charges that has brought him here."

"We will get right to the point, did you witness any cruelties in your time at Hogwarts."

"Yes sir. I witnessed Voldemort, on several occasions, level his wand at students. I also witnessed what the Carrows did."

"I am referring to Mr. Snape."

"Of course I saw him."

"Did you see him kill the Headmaster?"

"No," she said weakly.

"It is a well known fact that …"

"Old charge your Honour, we have already disposed of that charge." Dobbin spoke up for the first time, soliciting Hermione's sneer.

"Mrs. Snape, as the defendant's wife we can not administer you truth serum, however I must remind you that you are under oath."

Hermione snapped her eyes to Snape. She would not have to take the truth serum. If Kingsley hurried, she thought it might just work. She held her face still, hoping whatever they asked she could think of a fast answer. Grinning at Snape's scowl and slight shake of his head, she turned back to the judges.

"Are you aware that your husband is being charged as a Death Eater? A Death Eater that aided in the overthrow of Hogwarts upon the death of Headmaster Dumbledore, and helped to allow the likes of the Carrows to terrorize the children."

"No sir. It is my understanding that although the Headmaster of Hogwarts may request a certain Professor, it was the Ministry and the Board of Governors that make the appointments. I would suggest you ask Mr. Lucius Malfoy, who has been found innocent of all charges."

"Is it true that Mr. Snape used the girls, such as yourself for unseemly activities?"

"How dare you? Of course not," she spat.

"Were you a student in his classroom?"

"Yes," she nodded curtly.

"It is true you served detentions with him, alone."

"I could not have been alone if he was with me, so the answer to that question is no."

"Is it true that he used detentions to be alone with you, and other female students?"

Hermione snorted, "Hardly. Did you ask any of the male students?"

"It appears from school records that his penchant was for the girls." He looked up to the spectators before continuing. "Males served in either groups or with Argus Filtch."

"There you have it, so nothing sexual could have happened if it was only the girls he was with, if you get my drift."

She looked straight ahead and waited for the laughter to die down before looking out of the corner of her eye at Severus. Not knowing if his look was one of humour or disapproval, she hastily turned her eyes back to the judges.

"Is it true that he used Hogwarts' stores to prepare potions for his Dark Lord?"

"No." She looked at Severus and saw him drop his head, realizing this would be an easy lie to uncover.

"Is it not true that he has for years been using the Ministry and Hogwarts to finance his dual life?"

"Sir, if it is true that Mr. Snape was working for Mr. Riddle, it also stands to reason that he was paid for his endeavours. These funds would have been used for the ingredients he used."

"He was paid by the Dark Lord?"

"Surely you do not think a man such as my husband would freely give away his knowledge. No, it was a job, nothing more."

Severus looked at her strangely, as a murmur went through the spectators.

"A job?"

"Yes." She smiled. "No conspiracy, no plans to overthrow the government, merely a job for which he was well paid. He was perhaps a profiteer, but not part of a conspiracy. He made potions, and on occasion needed to gather information for Headmaster Dumbledore. Of course he had to turn over those wages to the Headmaster to pay for the ingredients, but he was well paid none the less."

"You know this as a fact."

"Quite."

"And you know this how?"

"Check his vaults. How else would you explain the amounts of money he has amassed? Hogwarts does not pay that well, and he had no other means to amass his fortune."

The Judges whispered amongst themselves. Hermione lowered her head on the pretence of fixing her hair, glancing under her arm and winking at Severus. His eyebrow shot up, as he fought to hold his smirk under control.

"We will recess until we can contact Gingotts." The Chief Judge declared. "Stay seated, this should take only a few moments."

Hermione saw the door at the top on the spectator stands open as Kingsley slid into the room. He nodded once at her and began a conversation with the witch standing next to him. Hermione turned back to Severus, gave him a smile and a small nod of her head.

"Mrs. Snape." The Chief Judge returned. "Your testimony is no longer needed. We thank you for you time."

She felt herself suddenly pulled from the witness chair, and taken to the area behind her where Harry and the previous witnesses sat. Harry slid over to make room for her to sit. She hurried over to him confused at the sudden change in the room.

"The only charge left was the one on conspiracy." Harry whispered to her as the gavel came down from the judges stands.

"Due to lack of evidence we will drop all charges at this time." The gavel cracked down again.

Severus' arms and legs were released at once. He slowly stood and turned to the witnesses, scowled and turned to leave the courtroom, as Kingsley rushed to him and assisted.

"Let's get out of here," Harry leaned over and whispered.

"I want to see Ron," she said softly. "I didn't see him here today."

"He said he couldn't do it, but he is going to meet you at home." Harry looked at her quizzically. "Hermione, he is really worried. Have you two had words?"

"I know. Do you think he will know we are done so early? I thought this would take all day, he must have as well."

"Molly said he left with them. Knowing Ron he is wearing a path in your carpet," Harry grinned. "Go home, I'll come later. Okay?"

"Thanks, Harry." She kissed his cheek and hurried off.

She was about to step into the phone booth for the ride back up to Muggle London, when a missive circled her head and flew in front of her face. Plucking it out of the air, she curiously opened it and smiled widely.

She shoved it into her pocket, suddenly feeling apprehensive about Ronald. She shook off the feeling and as a newly divorced Mrs. Snape, returned home.

Ronald was in Hermione's living room when she arrived. After pulling her arms from around his neck, he led her to the sofa and sat down next to her, listening to her story of the day's events.

He agreed that Kingsley making a large deposit into Snape's accounts in time for the court to determine his wealth was a brilliant idea. He laughed and asked her if she thought Snape would give it back. She snuggled into his side and yawned, the lack of sleep catching up with her at last.

"We need to talk," Ronald said softly.

"Let me sleep for a while, then I'll fix a nice dinner and we can talk all night." She smiled up from his shoulder.

"I've missed you."

"Hermione, that's sort of what I want to talk about."

"About missing each other?"

"Kind' a." His hand drew lazy circles on her arm before he pulled away from her, moved to sit on the edge of the sofa and lowered his eyes to the floor.

"What is it?"

"When I heard what Augusta did…"

"Just think," she giggled. "I am a divorced woman, but she still deserves to die for doing this."

"Hermione, I need to talk about it. I was upset, you know that right?" He waited for her to nod. "The problem was that I … I wasn't _that_ upset. You know what I mean?"

"No, you better explain that to me," she said feeling cold fingers run up her spine.

"I…I … what does that mean? That I didn't want to kill both of you. I was jealous, but more because… Hermione, I don't know how to say this… you need to let me know how you feel about me."

"You know how I feel. I love you."

"I love you too, but how do you love me?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"I think the kind we need to be truthful enough to ask."

Hermione jumped up and started to run out of the room when Ronald caught her and pulled her to his chest. "I love you Hermione, I do. I love you and Ginny. You two are my best girls."

"Ginny?" she whispered. "You love me like Ginny?"

"No, not exactly, but … I … You are my best friend. I realized that when I heard about you and Snape. I wanted to rip him apart, but… I kept thinking about what everyone would say about me, more than I thought what it would mean to you."

"I don't understand, Ronald. What are you saying?"

"That I didn't think about us, only what I would do when it got out, only what everyone else would say. I didn't think about our future, you, only about me."

"I think you should leave." She stood back from him, trying to keep her chin from trembling. "Just leave."

"Don't be this way, Hermione. Please? You are still my best friend, I still love you, just not like a wife should be loved."

"Not now," she hissed, walked to the door and held it open until he left.


	6. Snape Returns

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 6**

**Snape Returns**

* * *

A few months later Hermione did return to Hogwarts for her seventh year, staying in the same room she had before. This time she had the room for four to herself, being the only returning student in her year, the old sixth year girls teaming up with the fifth, or picking different roommates, no one wanting to room with the Granger witch that was now so closely identified with Snape.

She felt like a leper. Since Harry had decided not to return, she only had Ginny to talk with, but discovered early on that the younger girl was ill at ease confiding in her brother's ex-girlfriend. The few times they did try to rekindle some sort of friendship, Hermione had found her mind wandering, unable to listen to what Ginny had to say. Topics they had discussed just a year ago, she'd now lost interest in and found childish. Unable to pretend that talks of the latest fashions, the current hairstyles, or the hottest new song held any enjoyment for her, she found herself pulling away and avoiding the younger girl, who now seemed so very young and so very foolish.

The professors seemed distracted, often whispering in the hallways, quieting when students approached and seemed more standoffish than in the past. She caught hints of the gossip that paired her with Snape and questioning looks from the boys, nudging each other in the ribs and winking when she passed them in the halls.

Only Neville remained a constant. Each Saturday they would meet at the Three Broomsticks and share a meal, talking of the weeks events. She steadfastly refused to talk to Augusta, refusing even her owls and packages of homemade biscuits. Once in a fit of anger, she blasted off some of the owl's tail feathers before sending it back.

"I'm doing it." Neville smiled shyly, one day in late May as they sat at the Three Broomsticks. "I think I have a good chance. Sprout has never taken an apprentice before, but talk has it she's retiring at the end of next term so they will need someone."

"That's great Neville. Have you heard who is replacing McGonagall? When she said she was only the acting Headmistress I thought for sure they would have her replacement by the hols, but it's spring and still no word."

"I think they are talking to Flint and even Sprout, but she hasn't said anything to me about it, and I keep hinting."

"Sprout? I hardly think so. Unless that's why she's taking an apprentice, and not really retiring at all. But, well…do you think she is really qualified?"

"They're talking about Snape too." He looked up from under his brows.

"Snape? That's a surprise," she muttered.

"Not really. He's taught here for almost twenty years I think. Anyway, they say he used to help with the budget and stuff like that and he's powerful enough to protect the place if it ever needs it again. Toss in his Order of Merlin and all the good press Harry has gotten him and they want him. If for nothing else than to show they are open minded and want to heal any divisions left over from the war. He is the only Slytherin that is qualified that they trust, and don't forget that he is a master potions maker."

"Have you spoken to him?"

"Yeah, but not since the hols. Ran in to him down in Diagon, and then… well, we had a drink together."

"You and Snape? Never would have thought I'd ever see you two willingly sit down and talk. Especially seeing how he ignored you and your Grandmother after the trial. Not even a thank you."

"Hermione, I don't think he was thrilled that we helped him." He became suddenly interested in the tabletop, avoiding her eyes. "I think … I really do … that he wanted to die."

Hermione swallowed hard and looked out of the window, watching the shoppers as they walked carrying packages and happily talking, as if they had not a care in the world. She couldn't tell Neville that she still heard his voice at night and woke up shaking, clutching her wand and whispering _Lumos_ against the darkness. _Finish it_, he had pleaded, and some how those words had frightened her more than the horrors of the war. _Finish it._ She licked her lips as her mouth suddenly went dry and closed her mind to his voice. _Finish it._

"He was just embarrassed that it was you," she said lightly. "You know how he gets."

Neville nodded and looked out of the window uncomfortably. "I guess things change. I don't think I'll ever like him very much, but I think I can sort of understand him and can sit down with him now."

"What did you talk about?"

"Not much, he grew up in a Muggle house. Did you know that?"

"A little bit, just that his Mum was married to a Muggle. You remember, The Half Blood Prince? The name in the book? I know from what Harry said he had a miserable childhood and just the stuff in the papers."

"Yeah, I guess he still owns the house. That's where he is living now."

"If it's up to Snape you'll get your apprenticeship. He said he respects you, so you should hope that he gets it."

Neville looked up at her and then leaned back in his chair. "He sent me an owl when they announced the Order of Merlin winners. I kept it. It was nice actually. Surprised the bloody hell out of me. I think I am as proud of that letter as I am about the medal."

"Do you hear from Hannah?" she grinned, wanting to change the subject.

"No, we sort of lost touch. Saw Luna though, she was at the flower show in London." He grinned and leaned forward, putting his arms on the table. "She gets the same looks there that she does here, but just knowing she couldn't pull a wand I felt safer. She always sort of scares me."

"Like Snape used to?"

"No, with Snape you knew when it was coming, with Luna you've got to stay on your toes because you just never know what's going on in there. So, what are you doing when you leave here? Do you have any job prospects?"

"I don't know. My parents … Kingsley said they still couldn't reverse the memory charm I used. He went himself this time. And, as far as jobs go, I haven't given it much thought. I even thought of moving to Australia, just to see them occasionally. I don't know, I just … I just can't seem to get interested in anything."

He put his hand over hers on the table. "I'm sorry Hermione. I know what it must be like. At least I can visit mine, and pretend they are getting better. I think it took all of us a while after the end … with the trials and all… it took a while to try to put it all behind us and move on. I think for you it's worse. Everyone else has family, and even Harry is at the Burrow all the time, it has to be harder for you being alone."

"Good day Mr. Longbottom, Miss Granger." Severus' voice cut the air making them both jump and pull their hands apart.

"Professor." Neville stood and held out his hand. "Will you join us?"

Snape looked around the room, noticing how quiet it had grown, and nodded. "Thank you, Mr. Longbottom."

"Snape," Hermione said curtly.

"Granger," he smirked back at her.

"What brings you here Professor?" Neville inquired, as Rosmerta slid a fire whiskey and a sandwich in front of Severus.

"We've been waiting over half an hour and haven't gotten ours yet," Hermione snipped as she watched Rosmerta walk away.

"When you learn to read, you may be interested in the sign on the door."

"The door?" she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Yeah, Hermione, the one that tells you to owl with your order before you get here," Neville supplied.

"How long has that … never mind." She blushed.

"In answer to your question, Mr. Longbottom, I am in town to discuss an acceptance of a position at Hogwarts."

"Congratulations," Neville beamed. "I heard the rumours."

"It is not settled as of yet." He put his hand up as if to ward off a compliment. "There is still the issue of my morals to consider."

"They dismissed the charges. How can they still hold that over your head?" Hermione asked, beginning to anger.

"No, all that has been put aside," he said softy, before turning to her, looking down his nose. "There is the issue of my being married to a student."

"Don't look at me like that!" she hissed. "Do you think this has been easy for me? I can't even walk into the Great Hall without some Slytherin giving me a wolf whistle and implying I belong in the dungeons to… well … you know what they think."

"Yes, Miss Granger, unfortunately I do."

"It wasn't my fault. You know that Pro… Mr. … Head… what the bloody hell do I call you anyway?"

"Since I highly doubt _dear_ is in the offering I will suggest Master or Mr."

Neville started to snicker watching her mouth open and close three times before she managed to swallow. He had seen her eyes widen at the word Master and tried to bite back his laughter.

"Didn't think I would ever see you speechless," Neville guffawed.

"I think I misread the time," she stood up as she reddened, grabbed her purse and robes and prepared to leave.

"Miss Granger, the board will be contacting you concerning our short marriage. I assured them that you would respond to their questions in a timely matter."

"Questions? What questions?" she stammered, sitting back down. "I won't go down to the Ministry again. You can just forget it and find a different job. Check with Aberforth, he may need a goat herder."

"Miss Granger, I have been told this will be a written parchment that you will receive by owl, and return the same way. Very informal."

"Fine," she hissed, turned and glared at Neville. "I'll see you next Saturday."

"Want me to send an owl first?" he asked innocently.

"No," she spat. "I like waiting."

"I used to like getting Hannah upset. You know, like you just did with Hermione," Neville mused, watching Hermione stomp out the door. "I was never that good at it."

"Experience," Snape intoned and finished his whiskey. "Keep practicing, it is well worth the effort."

.

.

Hermione saw the owl swoop down to her on the last day of term. She unrolled the parchment it carried, and after breaking the Hogwarts seal, smoothed it out in front of her, to read it better. Her head was still lowered as she puzzled the questions when Headmistress McGonagall made her way to the table.

"My dear, it seems foolish to owl when you sit right in front of me but procedure must be followed."

"I understand, Headmistress." Hermione was still red from reading the questions.

"These … things … may be a little disconcerting."

"Headmistress," she whispered. "I can't answer these questions. They are mostly yes and no, without a place to check if I just don't know or they didn't happen at all. I mean, this is worse than foolish."

"Do the best you can dear," she looked sideways at the parchment. "I'll find out what happens if you just leave some of them blank."

"Thank you, Professor."

"Maybe you should just sit here until it is finished. No point taking it out in the hall where it may be … just do it here."

Hermione nodded and sat down, rummaged around in her backpack until she found her quill and ink pot and started. The first few questions were just a verification of facts. Was it true they married on a certain date, the date of engagement, the fact that Augusta Longbottom had witnessed. As her eyes scanned the page, she grew redder.

Had he/she been a good husband/wife? _Yes_, she imagined since she was never alone with him that counted for something.

Did he/she spend the evenings at home? She snorted and checked _no_.

Did he/she provide for you needs? She puzzled and checked y_es._ How many books, clothing and upkeep did she need in less than a week, and she had been reimbursed for her time spent as a witness.

The next question left her hand hovering over the paper, and her head swivelling around, to see if she was being watched.

Did your husband/wife commit infidelity? She quickly checked _no._

How long did you know him/her prior to the marriage? She checked the box indicating _Five Years/ Less than ten_.

The next set of questions had her standing, clenching the quill and walking around her seat to check n_o, no and no._ The idea that people would use those things and consider it fun was almost revolting, but then she eyed the first two again and grinned.

As her hand reached to check the yes, under _are all questions answered truthfully, _the door flew open and the Headmistress came hurrying in.

"That is the wrong set of questions." She waved frantically at Hermione, as she saw a dip of ink fall from the quill and the document began to glow. "Oh my word."

"Shite," Hermione sighed. "I have to do another?"

"No, you have to go to marriage counselling, at least that is what the form was for."

"What?"

"I tried to stop you, as soon as I discovered they had sent the wrong one, but you had already completed it."

"Great," Hermione looked up to the ceiling where the document had disappeared. "Now what?"

"I am sure you will be advised," Minerva pressed her lips together and shook her head. "They really need to improve their messaging system."

"You think?"

"Now young lady, we will have none of that."

"I know," she sighed and picked up her backpack. "Headmistress, if this was not to enable you to be done with this place I think I would tell them to shove it up their arse and just forget about Snape getting the position."

Minerva's lip twitched as she watched Hermione walk away. "Hermione? I have yet to put in my recommendation for my replacement for Transfiguration, I would …"

"No." Hermione spun around. "I am sorry, and a year ago I would have jumped at it. I may be sorry, but no, not now."

"I quite understand, my dear, it would be difficult to work with him. I have always respected the man, and he has always had my trust and loyalty, but there are still too many memories."

"I don't think it is him. I just need time. I don't feel right here anymore, I don't feel like I belong." Hermione ran back and hugged Minerva. "I'm sorry, so sorry about everything."

"Run along, you don't want to miss the train."

Hermione nodded and wiped at the back of her eyes with her hand. "I will see you again? I would like that."

"I imagine I will be dragged out and propped up at all of Hogwarts' functions, as will the brightest witch of our time and one of the bravest gir..women … of the final battle. Yes, Hermione, I am sure we will see each other. I think I would very much like that. If you can keep a secret … I am considering taking back my old post. Unless you change you mind that is."

"I wish you would, I think at least until the youngest are done with Hogwarts it would help them get over the war. Knowing somethings remain unchanged, knowing you are still here."

Minerva watched her walk off and shaking her head began to chuckle. She would pay good galleons to see Severus' face when he discovered what had happened. She patted her hat to make sure Hermione had not tipped it too much to the side, and left for her office to inform the Board that the wrong paper had been sent, wondering how long it would take for Severus to contact her.

As it was, he was already in her office when she got to the top of the stairs.

"My, that didn't take you long," she said coldly. "Once you have this office you may come and go at will, until that time you need to make an appointment."

"What is this?" He held out a letter from the Ministry confirming the counselling.

"It's a mistake. See?" She tapped the number on the bottom of the form. "One digit off. You wanted to send a 238475030 this is a 238475080. Perhaps you need glasses."

"I did not send it," he intoned evenly.

"No but you did not stop it either."

"How could I … Minerva, I would very much like to speak to Miss Granger. I need to inform her of certain developments."

"Then I would suggest you be there on time." She again tapped the letter of confirmation with the appointment time that was stamped in red. "The Ministry is open for a few more hours. Perhaps a quick trip down there will clear this mess up. As she will be leaving shortly, if you need to speak to her you will need to seek her out in London."

"It had better. I do not relish sitting a room with Miss Granger all day answering inane questions."

"I have things to do young man, if you expect me to deal with the Board over this then be off with you."

She could still hear his muttering as the floo flared up and took him away. With a sigh, she opened the window and summoned her owl. He had done it this time, she thought. Serves him right for trying to solve things on his own.


	7. Hermione Moves

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 7**

**Hermione Moves**

* * *

Hermione sat outside the counsellor's office in the single row of straight back chairs resting her head back against the wall. Once again, she had gone without sleep due to Snape, and she was not pleased. She closed her eyes and tried to relax knowing that being early at the Ministry seldom meant you could get in before your appointment.

"If we both fall asleep we will be accused of sleeping together."

She jerked her head up, opened her eyes and saw Snape sitting as she was.

"Arse," she tried to sound angry then started laughing at the absurd situation in which they found themselves.

"Our case could not be reviewed for a week. If we miss the appointment we will be fined." He sighed and sat up straight. "I found it more expedient to come."

"When I leave here I am going straight to the Documentation and Testing Division. They need help and I need a job." Hermione grinned at him. "I have a suspicion that Augusta works down there. This is something she would do. All I have to do is figure out why."

"I will give you my personal recommendation and pay any expenses she has incurred." He raised his eyebrow and smirked at her. "I will caution you to stay on her good side, I would hate to see what havoc she could wreck if angered."

"Thanks, but Augusta wouldn't believe a recommendation that comes from you," Hermione smiled at him. "You do realize she helped you just because she is pissed at everyone else."

"Another mystery solved, thank you, Miss Granger."

"This should go quickly, I looked up some of the regulations last night in the library and …"

"Miss Granger, since this is marriage counselling it should be over before we go in. Yet here we sit."

"Good point."

They leaned back, rested their heads on the wall and stared at the clock. When it was exactly the time of their appointment, a stern looking witch opened the door and waved them in. Hermione sighed as they watched the witch walk back into her office, thinking they would be finished in no time.

"Mr. and Mrs. Snape do sit down."

Severus sat in one of the chairs and looked quizzically at Hermione.

"Mrs. Snape, I asked you to sit down, we will be at this an hour."

"I am not Mrs. Snape. We are divorced, for almost a year now. I just need to inform you that the questionnaire was completed in error."

"No." She flipped the pages of parchment over and looked mildly annoyed. "You are indeed Mrs. Snape."

"Mrs. Snape," Severus put his hand on the bridge of his nose, "did you never change your name back to Granger?"

"No, was I supposed to?"

"If the annulment had been granted it would not be necessary, however, in all other cases, yes, it was something you needed to do."

"Why didn't you tell me? It's not like I do this all the time. How was I to know?"

"So, you are Mrs. Snape?" the counsellor chirped primly.

"Yes." She rolled her eyes and flopped onto the chair. "It may be my name, but the fact remains we are divorced."

"That never should have been allowed without seeing me first."

"Listen, Mrs. …" She turned the nameplate on the desk to see it. "Miss Pidgeon, we are not married."

"Mr. Snape." Miss Pidgeon turned to Severus smiling. "She is quite excitable, isn't she?"

"I am glad you noticed," he said flatly. "It has been a difficult marriage."

"Don't even try," Hermione hissed under her breath at him. "Just tell her it's over and we can leave."

"You are more hopeful than I am. I, however, have far more experience in these matters."

"Please!" Miss Pidgeon raised her voice over theirs as she circled the desk to take her seat. "I must say in all honesty that if this had come to my attention prior to a divorce being granted, I would have refused to allow it. I am surprised the divorce papers are not in your file."

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"My dear, please just allow her to finish." Severus turned to her and spoke softly, signalling to Hermione that he thought her spinning out of control, and that she should now be insulted that Miss Pidgeon would have denied them a divorce.

"Why thank you, Mr. Snape," Miss Pidgeon sighed. "Your answers show that you are compatible, and the handwriting tests confirm it."

Hermione bit her tongue, determined not to talk, although Miss Pidgeon now looked at her as if waiting for some sort of response.

"Do you want to talk about it dear?"

"No," Hermione answered and clamped her mouth closed again.

"Mr. Snape?"

"What can I do?" He lifted his arms, palms up. "She refuses to give me her reasons, but I told her if this is what she wanted she could have it."

"My poor dear," Miss Pidgeon reached out and put her hand on his arm.

Hermione watched him out of the corner of her eye then turned to appraise Miss Pidgeon. She pictured her with her hair released from the knot that held it at the back of her neck, and squinted wondering how she would look without her glasses. She turned again to see Severus smile warmly at Miss Pidgeon and rolled her eyes.

"I think he needs a kind ear, and he won't be free to talk if I am here," Hermione stood and patted him on the shoulder. "I'll just leave you two at it."

She crept to the door and slipped out. Grinning as she shut the door, she began to laugh_. Well, at least he won't be lonely tonight, _she thought, hearing his soft timbre and the witch's giggles.

Finding the personnel office, she gathered applications for several departments, careful to verify the form number to the title of the application, and double-checked again with the receptionist. She was not going to fill out an application to work on spells and wind up directing house elves in the kitchen. If she had learned anything, it was to triple check the proper form was used.

The next day, on her way back to the Ministry, preferring to hand in the applications in person rather than using an owl, she walked through the Leaky Cauldron and decided to have lunch. She gave Tom her order and saw Severus come in the back door just as she was shrugging off her outer robes. She glanced around to see if Miss Pidgeon was in sight and not seeing her, lifted her hand to wave him over.

"You prat." She smiled and waved at the seat across from her. "I don't believe you did that yesterday."

"She is an extraordinary witch. One I have wanted to make the acquaintance of." He slid into the booth opposite her.

"You… you set that up on purpose?"

"I used the opportunity that presented itself."

"You… you…" she stammered as her anger bubbled just under the surface.

"The form you filled out was sent in error. You filled it out. I only used the subsequent appointment for an introduction."

"Prat."

He smirked and held up two fingers to Tom. "You did stop for a cup of tea I assume."

"Yes and no, I wanted to go over these applications one more time."

He reached into his breast pocket and removed a parchment that he had neatly folded and sealed with his personal seal. "The recommendation I promised."

"Thank you," she said softly. "It means a lot."

"How is your Mr. Weasley? I have not seen nor heard about him in several months now."

She lowered her eyes and became interested in the tabletop.

"I see," he said flatly.

"You needn't take joy in this. It is your fault."

"Surely he did not take our marriage for anything more than it was. If he did, you are well rid of him."

"No, but he… he said it made him realize that ..." she looked up expecting to see him sneer, instead seeing concern. "He said he loved me as a friend, but…"

"I understand." Severus leaned back as Tom put the tea in front of them as well as two bowls of pea soup. "I am surprised he showed enough maturity to let you go."

"Maturity? Maturity my arse… he…"

"Miss Granger, would you have preferred to have his feelings discovered a year from now? Five years from now?"

"No, but..." Her eyes began to fill with tears. "I wasn't ready to let go. Do you understand?" She tried to grin. "I don't believe I am talking about my love life with you of all people."

"I have heard that your parents will not be returning. I took the liberty of speaking to Kingsley on your behalf. It appears you were less than forthcoming, as there is no hope."

"Right," she breathed easily at the change of topics. "I heard there were a couple of Muggle attacks. Maybe it is for the best."

"The last of the Death Eaters will be caught soon. At that time, they will be safe to return. However, without their memories of you, it would be in their best interests to leave them to their new life."

"Until then I have the house. I have had it for sale for a while now, but it's just not selling. No one is even looking at it. I can't afford it much longer, that's one reason I really appreciate the letter."

They finished their lunch and parted company. She automatically stepped forward to give her customary hug but stopped as her hands touched his shoulders. Blushing, she gave his shoulders a pat, acting as if she were brushing lint from his robes and stepped back quickly.

"Okay, then," she said nervously. "I think I'll run off."

"Good idea, Miss Granger," he said, feeling his lip twitch.

.

.

Both the Charms department and the Spell department sent her owls asking for more information. After nervously waiting more than a week, she received a notification of her upcoming interview with the Spell Research Division, her first choice. She spent the day before researching the spells that they had invented over the past five years and was surprised to see how few of the spells Hogwarts taught. It was obvious that she would have to catch up with the times if she accepted this position, and at once headed to Diagon to purchase the books she lacked.

She studied long into the night, and once again headed back to the city feeling the lack of sleep catching up with her. She had often gone without sleep at Hogwarts, preferring to study at night when the library was empty, but now she couldn't nap between classes and the additional stress of intercity travel was exhausting. She found it easy to lean her head against the window in the train, to close her eyes and doze. The steady unchanging rhythm of the track drowning out the voice that continued to wake her in the dark and make her reach for her wand.

The interview was more to show off the latest addition to the Ministry. She had her picture taken with the department head and was welcomed to the organization by the acting Minister of Magic. Hermione knew as soon as she walked in that she was being hired only because of her association with Harry Potter. She gritted her teeth and tried to smile, needing the position too much to walk away.

Her grades were the highest recorded in years, she reasoned. She was qualified and knew she could excel, but she also knew the publicity at Snape's trial worked against her. His recommendation still sat on the department head's desk, unopened.

That night, she flooed to Harry's house, smiling when she saw the blanket that was still over the picture in the hallway. He greeted her warmly and together they sat in the kitchen while he fixed sandwiches for dinner.

"You can't let it get to you. I was hired for the same reason you know." He looked up from the cutting board.

"It's just not right."

"Who cares? Once you get in and prove yourself, they won't give a rat's arse who you are. The Department head does the hiring, but you work with a team. Just make sure your supervisor knows you are there to work and not to play the war-hero card."

"How's Ronald doing?"

"He's awesome Hermione. I mean it. I only see him at lunchtime these days, but rumour has it he is already up for promotion."

"Really?" She beamed. "He was so nervous about working there because of his father. You know, thinking everyone would think that the only reason he got in. Now with the whole war-hero thing he has to be twice as nervous. He's been talking about working there since sixth year, only he planned on being the famous Quiddich star first."

"Did you read about Goyle's Manor? How they found the hidden vaults? That was Ron's idea. He played with the blueprints and floor plans for about a week and figured it out. He is consulting with the German Ministry now."

"How is he … you know … outside of work?"

Harry slid the plates onto the table and levitated a jug of pumpkin juice to them. "He is seeing someone."

"Harry," she leaned forward and smiled thinly at him. "It's been almost a year. I should hope so."

"Neville is dating Luna. Do you believe that one?"

"No!" she laughed. "He thinks she is weird and I think he misses Hannah more than he is saying. We were in Hogsmeade one day, he happened to see her in the Broomsticks. He just looked so … I don't know. Lost I guess."

"She needs time. She lost a lot you know, more than most. Maybe she isn't ready yet. Are you and Ginny still seeing each other?"

Harry took a sudden interest in the tabletop. "Harry?"

"It was hard, her up at Hogwarts and all. I started thinking that she needed … you know …time… without me around and all."

"She looked miserable. She missed all the dances and didn't even go into town on Hogsmeade days. You could have come up and visited her."

"She's young Hermione, really young. When I am with her, I feel like an old man. I know we are about the same age, I know she fought in the war too, but… she just needs to know… anyway…"

"Know who she is?"

Harry nodded. "She's Ronald's little sister, and Arthur's daughter, and the one that was in the chamber, the one that fought in the war and went to the Ministry that night … but she never had a chance to be Ginny. I love her. I don't want her to wake up some morning and wish she was with someone else."

"Like Ronald?"

"I won't lie, Hermione, but yes. I know Ron never thought he would change his mind about you. We talked about … things. I worry about Ginny feeling the same way."

"I'm glad you're going slowly, Harry. Just don't go so slowly she gets away. Let her know what you are thinking, why you are doing this, at least talk to her about it. Don't hurt her the same way Ron hurt me."

"How are you with it now?"

"Better. I understand what you mean about feeling old sometimes. When Ron would talk about his games and stuff," she shrugged, "I used to want to scream at him to grow up. Now that I can look back on it, I think we would have grown apart. I think we just sort of fell together without thinking about it."

"So, you're okay with it now?"

"Most of the time I am. When I'm alone, I think I miss being with someone, but I don't really miss him… just him. I miss the things he did, and how he made me smile, but I don't miss him the way I should. Is that wrong to say?"

"It's honest," he grinned. "Someone will come along, Hermione."

"I know, and I hope when he does he is a better cook than you. These sandwiches are awful. How to you mess up a sandwich?"

They sat and talked until it was too late for Harry to allow her to go home alone, deciding that she should use the bedroom she had shared with Ginny during her brief stints in what was then called The House of Black. In the morning over breakfast, Harry posed a solution to her financial situation.

She would have the upper floor, consisting of two bedrooms and a loo, converting one of the rooms into a private sitting area. He would take the second floor bedroom, leaving two more for guests, and they would share the kitchen. Her personal belongings, from her parent's house, could be stored in the cellar, shrunk down and packed away, and their house rented for enough to pay the mortgage and upkeep.

She had thought of it for all of one minute before nodding her head and grinning at him. Just to know someone else was at home, that she would hear someone and not have to turn on the radio for company, was enough for now.


	8. The Atrocity

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 8**

**The Atrocity**

* * *

Ronald was a regular visitor at Potter's house. After the first few times Hermione walked in the kitchen and found he and Potter talking she began to relax around them and was soon able to join in the conversations. After a few months, she felt the old friendship shifting to a new one, holding them closer than they had been before as they both learned to be comfortable with each other again.

Ronald was quieter, and seemed to have tempered his ability to talk before thinking. However, she often giggled as she watched the internal struggle he went through each time he waited for his turn to talk, without jumping in to interrupt as he used to do. He would look down, and peek up from under his brow, chewing his lip and looking straight at whoever was talking as if ready to jump up and start yelling. He tried to be patient like his father, but Hermione saw his mother every time he fought for control. He was still quick to anger over little things, and Harry knew just how to get him going, often casting out disparaging remarks about his favourite team just to get a reaction.

If Ronald was quieter, Harry had turned serious to the point of being stern and hard. It was a gradual change that Hermione noticed had been growing over the past couple of years. It was what made Ginny cry and seek Hermione out late at night. She needed someone that may understand, that had been with him at the end, had seen the battle and knew what they had done together. Hermione would on occasion hear him walking through the house when he thought everyone else slept. He rechecked wards, and looked out the widows to assure himself no one was watching the house. She never mentioned it, or asked him why, afraid to speak of her own nightmares and dreams, knowing that he was acting on his.

The four never talked about the final battle, only she and Ginny, hinting at it behind the closed door of her bedroom. Hinting that their trouble sleeping was not the cold of the night, or the way the old house creaked and groaned. Neville and his occasional date, recently Hannah Abbot, were the only ones they kept in touch with any longer. They would all spend the evening fixing dinner together in the large kitchen, talking and eating dinner until the cards had been dealt and the conversation turned to lighter things.

After two years, she could at last walk into work and feel she belonged to the small group that spent their time developing new spells and testing old ones that had been brought to their attention by either well-intentioned citizens, or individuals that had stumbled across something accidentally.

Today she looked at the week's work assignments and rolled her eyes. Being the newest, she always had the less interesting spells dumped on her. Most were old forgotten household charms, having been rediscovered after centuries of non-use and now misunderstood and or not trusted by some housewife who in a moment of fear would send it up to the Ministry.

Since the war, Mike had explained, many of the spells were nothing more than discarded charms people had merely forgotten. Only, as the war ended, after so many long years of being always on edge, it was hard for some to give up their fear, and in that they perceived threats where none existed. She knew every spell had the potential to be dangerous, or morphed into something dark, but how a spell to cure a reindeer hide for use in making shoes, could ever be considered dark was beyond her. She sighed and looked up at the clock, judging how much time she would need.

"Star gazing Granger?" Her supervisor, Mike Tibben chuckled. "Or trying to figure out how to slide that one under the carpet?"

"I'll be glad when you breakdown and hire someone new and let me have something other than the grunt work."

"Listen Granger, intake said this one may not be recorded anywhere. That's why it's here. Just go through the motions and we can dump it back in their lap."

"Who sent it in?" she asked. "I mean…I can understand some of the spells if the language is unknown. Better to be safe than waving around a wand and chanting Merlin only knows what…but this?"

"Husband of yours sent it up."

"My what?"

"Snape."

"Snape found an old leather curing spell and sent it here." She said flatly. "Even I don't believe that."

"He used to send us stuff all the time." Mike sat on the edge of her desk and looked intently at her. "Used to be a time he sent things that turned out to be rather different than what they were. I always thought it was his way of getting information to us, but then again everyone knew he was a Death Eater, so he never got any thanks. The spells kept coming, for seventeen years without a word. So, if Snape sent that one, I want you to work it. Don't let me find it under the carpet."

"No sir," she said meekly.

He slid off the desk and walked away, leaving her to look down at the parchment that held the spell. First, she needed to find when such a spell would have been used and then match the wand work to the same era. Next, she needed to determine if it matched the language used at the time, and had not been changed to a more modern Latin translation. She did not like the sound of the spell, and saying it aloud she wondered if Snape had indeed gotten it correct. The beats of the wand did not match the meter of the incantation, and a quick mathematical equation showed it was off just enough to make it worrisome. She grabbed the parchment and shoved it in her purse. Hanging up her robes, and taking her jumper, she headed for the Muggle Library to read up on leather making and reindeer and to verify the wording.

She puzzled over the information she found. The last reindeer herd in the U.K. had gone extinct long before the time the Founders had built Hogwarts, yet the language of the spell was obviously from the mid 1700's. She figured that like unicorns, the magical world could have hidden a herd or two for some time after the Muggles thought they no longer existed, and knew that if they were to be recorded anywhere it would be in the groundkeeper's history at Hogwarts.

She hurried out of the library and found a nearby alley to apparate from, not taking time to return to the Ministry. She arrived during dinnertime and stopped to peek into the Great Hall feeling a little nostalgic as she saw the rows of students sitting at the long tables.

"Hermione Granger?" She spun around hearing her name.

"As I live and breathe, it is so good to see you." Minerva stood smiling at her.

"I hope I'm not intruding, but I need to visit the Library and talk to Hagrid. I should have owled first, but I wanted to wrap this up."

"Whatever it is can wait." She took Hermione's arm and pushed open the door, leading her down the main aisle to the staff table. "Sybil is not with us this evening, so we just happen to have an empty place. I am sure everyone would love to hear your gossip."

"I'm too busy to hear much," she laughed. "Perhaps I can just make stuff up, if I remember correctly it really doesn't matter how true it is anyway."

"Quite right," Minerva felt her lip curl up. "I do rather enjoy seeing the Headmaster flustered. It is becoming quite the amusement around here."

"Headmaster," she nodded to Snape on her way to Sybil's chair, seeing his eyebrow rise as she passed.

" 'ermione!" Hagrid smiled widely, and started to dab his eyes. "It's been a long time since you were 'ere. I thought maybe you forgot us."

"Oh Hagrid, you know better than that. How could I forget my favourite half-giant?" she leaned over to hug him, disappearing into his arms. "I came especially to see you. I need to have a look at the groundskeeper's log. Do you know where it is kept?"

"Well, let's see." He tapped his lip as Hermione sat down next to him, and began to fill her plate. "Used to be in my 'ut, that is until the fire. After it were moved to the library somewhere. Don't rightly know."

"Great," she sighed. "Who has been organizing it since Madam Pince left?"

"Only the 'eadmaster." Hagrid looked down the long table. "Cut 'is budget you know. Not 'nough to pay tho' he 'as, let 'lone putting someone up to sit in 'da library all day. Uses detentions 'ta get most of the work done, 'e does."

Hermione chewed slowly thinking that any student she had known would have taken an unsupervised detention as an excuse to make the sorting of books worse, not better. Glancing down at Severus, she resigned herself to ask him to help her find it. She did not want to spend the whole week on something like this.

After dinner she explained what she needed and followed his billowing robes up the moving staircase and down the hall to the restricted section. She almost had to run to keep up with him, feeling like a student as she once again watched his back and hurried along.

"You do know I haven't grown any since I left here," she snipped as she caught up to him. "You could slow down."

He stopped and slowly turned to face her, lifted his eyebrow and gave her a lingering look. Then, starting at her face he let his eyes slowly travel down her body as he began to walk in a circle around her, not stopping until he was back in front of her.

"I beg to differ." He smirked, before continuing his long legged stride down the hallway.

"Arse," she muttered.

"Exactly," he chuckled, "I noticed it had grown right off."

She reddened and hurried after him, surprised, as she had not known him to ever joke inside Hogwarts. He reached the library and swept into restricted section, levitated the book to the table closest to it and watched as Hermione went at once to inspect it.

"Page 482, third paragraph I believe it is."

Hermione slowly lifted her head and narrowed her eyes. "If you knew what I was looking for why didn't you tell me and save the trip?"

"You have never trusted what you have been told before. I didn't think you would this time."

"Of course I would have," she said, letting her eyes quickly scan the page he had referenced, knowing as she did that she was proving him right.

He smirked as he watched her read, sitting on the edge of the table and resting one foot on the chair in front of him. He found himself enchanted by the back of her neck as she lowered her head to read, and the sight of the small of her back, hugged by a wide belt.

"Professor? I'm sorry, Headmaster." She looked up, chewing her quill. "It says the last herd was gone by the sixth century, that's before that the Muggle World had not seen them here for centuries, but the language of the spell is that of the 1400's, I first thought the 1700's, although the wand work is obvious later. Are you sure you have the spell correct?"

She turned to face him, seeing him tear his eyes up from her arse.

"My face is up here," she said dryly.

He frowned and stood up. "You need to see something."

She once again found herself all but running down the halls and stairs trying to keep up with him. He made his way to Hagrid's hut, passing it and heading for the Forbidden Forest. Once there he stopped and turned to her.

"I was gathering Maloxie root when I came across this. I was able to detect the spell used, as it was a fresh kill. I judge it had only been dead an hour. What confused me, as it still does, is why he was left by his kind."

"His kind?" She panted, out of breath and sweaty from her near run from the castle.

"Centaur. I have never known them to leave one of their own this way, nor has Hagrid. They are an old people, with burial rites much like our own. I have left him here to show the Ministry, and since they have chosen to send you I am afraid you must see it."

She followed him into the forest, wishing she had worn something warmer as the further they went into the darkening forest the colder it became. He stopped suddenly and turned back to her.

"Before you see this, I want you to think what this spell, modified as to creature, would do to a living subject."

"A living creature? That's impossible, the spell is to … "She saw his face darken and knew that he was not only preparing her for the sight, but himself for the revisit. As she nodded her understanding, he stepped aside, giving her a clear view of the leaf-strewn clearing in front of them.

Walking forward, Hermione stopped just inside the perimeter. Unless he had told her what she was looking at, she would not have known. The body laid distorted, twisted at impossible angles, blood and gore forced out of every orifice, it eyes pushed out of the sockets and laying on unrecognizable cheeks. She turned away and fell to her knees, leaned on her hands, and vomited on to the ground, gasping for air, the sweat on her back freezing her as a cold wind rushed through the clearing.

"Hermione?" Snape was on one knee beside her. "You had to see this. Since that idiot department chose to send you I had no choice."

"I can't breathe," she panted, her arms that held her up began to tremble. "I need to get away from here. He was alive. My gods, he was alive when this was done." She leaned forward and vomited again, her stomach retching as the smell of bile reached her nostrils.

She closed her eyes and saw not the clearing nor the creature, but the small dark room at the top of an earthen tunnel. _Finish it_, she heard as her stomach heaved again, _Finish it_. Her fingers dug into the soil as she willed herself calm only to feel another spasm run through her body. _Finish it_, rushed by her ear and made her snap up her head and look back over her shoulder, searching for him, expecting to see a gaping wound.

She felt tears on her face and bringing up one shaking hand wiped her face, smearing the dirt of the forest floor across her cheeks. Again, she recognized the smell of earth and gore, the lingering stench of excrement, and turned just in time to spew phlegm on the ground. She sobbed as she bit the back of her hand, knowing that her stomach was empty but unable to stop the hitching spasms.

Severus pulled out a handkerchief and used his wand to moisten it. He leaned forward, wiped her mouth and pulled her back until she was sitting on her heels, then cleaned the fabric and again gently cleansed her face, waiting until her breathing evened out to attempt to move her. Once she nodded her consent, he took her arms and helped her up, keeping her back to the centaur. Leading her out of the clearing and back to the relative safety under the canopy of trees he turned her face up and looked at her closely.

"As I said, I have to finish this. Can you make it back to the castle by yourself?"

"Finish … yes, I see."

"He should not be left like this."

"No, he shouldn't be," she muttered, trying to clear her head.

"I have not seen them here before this," he said gruffly. "They have stayed in hiding since the final battle."

"I'll help." She gulped and pulled out her wand.

"No, wait back at the castle, you shouldn't even be here. They are still protective of their land and you are in no condition to help."

She nodded gratefully, wanting nothing more than to avoid his eyes and questioning looks, glad that he had refused her offer to help.

Severus pulled his wand and began gathering twigs and larger pieces of fallen wood into a pyre. Dry leaves came rushing across the forest floor as he continued to point and mutter incantations. Finally, levitating the body of the Centaur to the top of he pile, he set it aflame.

Setting out to clean the ground of all trace of the atrocity he heard the thundering of hoofs and stepped back, his wand in duelling mood as the rest of the herd came into the clearing.

"We thank you, Headmaster. We have been unable to care for our fallen."

"Did you see who did this?" Snape stepped back from the fire as they pressed closer.

"Only in the heavens, and the stars do not show one's face."

"You are now the, Headmaster. You need to accept responsibility for the protection of our home as those before you have done." The largest female of the herd pawed the ground angrily.

"You will have the same protection you have always enjoyed," Severus scowled. "Nothing has changed."

"You call this protection? Allowing your kind to come into the forest for this?"

Severus looked to the funeral pyre and lowered his wand. "You have my word that I will do what I can. However, you must set up your own warning system. Unless you are willing to give man access to your forest, I am afraid my help is limited."

"No!" The largest male pranced closer to the fire. "We will allow no one. That will not change."

The female pranced closer to the fire. "When we first came upon him there was much pain."

"He was still alive?" Severus frowned.

"Yes," she whispered, a tear coming to her eye. "Our laws do not permit us to kill one of our own. His suffering was great."

"It was a spell, a hex, not a contagious disease. I will leave potions for pain with Hagrid. If you have need, we can ease the pain if it happens again. That or I will dispatch the fallen quickly."

He stepped back as the herd formed a circle around the pyre and began to chant the old ritual spells known only in their ancient tongue. Severus backed out of the clearing, returning to the castle, leaving the centaur to finish the ceremony. He found Hermione sitting on the steps in front of the main doors. She stood slowly when he approached and waited until he was standing in front of her.

"My Gods, Severus! Why didn't you say something about this when you sent the spell to the Ministry?"

"They would have discounted it as something that effected only a creature they would sooner went became extinct. Why do you think this is the only place you can still find them? No, Hermione, nothing would be done if I had mentioned it."

Her bottom lip trembled as she studied his face and then she threw her arms around his neck. "It was horrid, just horrid," she sobbed into his neck. "To think this could happen here, now, like this is… is sickening."

Severus let his arms glide around her, and held her gently. Her body pressed against his as she continued to cry. Suddenly wanting to tip up her head and find her mouth, he instead removed her arms from his neck and stepped back, looking over her shoulder and up at the castle to avoid her eyes.

"If this is too much for you to handle, Miss Granger, I suggest you remove yourself from the case."

"I'm sorry," she sniffed as she stepped back. "I didn't mean to… you know… be forward or break down. I should be going now. It's late … it's been a long day...I should go now."

"I have found nothing in any texts, or in any of the history tomes devoted to the centaur. I trust you will use your resources to continue the search?"

"Of course, I am under a rather stern directive to handle this," she admitted hesitantly, feeling ready to start sobbing again and fighting to look professional. "I don't know where to start, it's muddled. Too many times are muddled together, as if someone is trying to modify a spell with something centuries older. If you think of anything, you will owl me?"

"Of course, Miss Granger, I merely wanted it viewed prior to cremation. That is now done."

"You will put the memory of your first visit in a vial, please. It may be helpful to see if anything had been moved from then to now."

"I can assure you … I am wrong," he sniggered. "The Miss Granger I know will need to verify that as well. I will bring it tomorrow."

"I will be at the library most of the day, but you can leave it on my desk."

"I think not, Miss Granger. I will be taking lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, perhaps you will stop in?"

"Noon," she nodded, already planning her day.

"I will bid you good evening, I hope you learn to control your stomach if you remain in your position." He turned to go. "And you have grown."

"Arse," she muttered.

"Among other things," he called over his shoulder as he continued on his way.


	9. Confessions and Musings

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 9**

**Confessions and Musings**

* * *

Hermione lay in the tub, a washcloth over her eyes, scented candles burning on the ledge, trying to relax. Twice Ginny had pounded on the door and twice Hermione had sent her away. She did not feel like having the giggling-girly talk that Ginny was sure to want. She was not interested in the latest concealing cream, the newest fashions, or even who was shagging whom. She had made a fool of herself with Snape, and needed time to recover, if not her dignity, at least her thoughts. She knew she had left her dignity somewhere on the forest floor.

She took a deep breath and tried to forget the look on Severus' face when she had instinctively flung her arms around his neck. She turned red in embarrassment, just thinking of it and slid lower into the tub. _My gods_, she thought, _now he knows I am a schoolgirl. _She had tried so hard to be professional around him. Tried so hard to suck in fresh air and not vomit. She thought it could not have been any worse until she remembered how he had stiffened and coldly pushed her away.

As she sat and brushed the tangles out of hair, twisting it and securing it to the back of her head, she looked in the mirror and sighed. _Stupid_, she thought seeing the weepy eyes that stared back from the mirrors reflection. No wonder Tibbon gave her the easiest spells to work, treating her as if she were not capable of doing more. Treating her as if she were a stupid girl that would break down at the slightest hint of trouble, knowing that the war hero title was crap.

She had not even trusted what she had been told, actually rereading the text right in front of Snape, confirming his suspicions that she didn't trust him and thought she was smarter. _Damn_, she thought, _damn, damn, damn_.

She sat in the dark until she could no longer hear sounds from downstairs then snuck into the kitchen to make a pot of tea. Setting out the tray as the water heated she quietly measured out the loose leaves into the pot and started to put her cup and a small plate of biscuits on the tray, intending to run back and hide in her room.

"Ginny put a plate aside for you," Harry said from where he stood leaning against the doorframe.

"This is enough. I just wanted something hot and sweet. I ate a little up at Hogwarts." She thought it a smooth lie to make him leave her alone.

"Luna brought some honey she gathered, should be up in the cupboard."

"What do you want, Harry? I don't think you came down just to make sure I had enough honey for my tea."

"Ginny wanted to talk to you. We set the date."

Hermione put her hands on the counter and leaned forward stifling a sob. "I'm sorry. I just didn't feel like talking. Tell her … tell her… "

"Hermione?" He crossed over to her and gently turned her around, seeing her tears he pulled her to him, forcing her head down to his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know. It's the case I'm on I guess." She pulled away and turned back to the tea tray. "A Centaur was killed. I know not a big thing by an Auror's standard, but the way they did it, the very life squeezed out of it, mangled, horridly. I can't stop seeing it. And the smell … it smelled of… it smelled of death."

"You've seen worse."

"I know, but it was different. Things like that shouldn't be happening anymore." She shrugged and put her cup and one more on the table, waving Harry to a chair. "I think it just caught me by surprise. I wasn't expecting it."

"Is that all?" Harry turned the chair around, and straddled the seat, resting his arms on its back.

"Other than making a complete and utter fool of myself? Yeah, that about rounds out the day."

"How'd you manage that one?"

"Well first, I so much as told Snape I didn't believe him and verified what he had already read. That went over well. He looked at me as if I was some … short-skirted cow trying to impress him. Then, I managed to loose my lunch on the forest floor, so very dignified and such a testament to my professional qualifications. I was mortified, Harry, right in front of Snape of all people. I couldn't even get my own arse up off the ground, he had to help me. I owe him a handkerchief as well. I am sure his will never come clean. " She sipped her tea and looked up at him over the cup's rim. "Then, just in case he missed the fact that I am a blithering idiot that can't close off her personal feelings while at work I … I hugged him. Oh yes, and let us not forget that while I was hanging onto him like a Knockturn whore, I burst into tears. The day couldn't have gone worse if I had planned it. Wait… I did plan it. It was my idea to go there in the first place. I can't even blame someone else."

"What did Snape do?" Harry frowned, knowing that if Hermione was still fretting about this it was worse than it sounded, and it didn't sound good.

"He acted like he couldn't stand for me to touch him." She tried to laugh. "Maybe it's the whole ex-wife thing. He couldn't get rid of me fast enough."

"Hermione?"

"Don't look at me like that," she pleaded. "I do … or did it to you and Ron all the time. Only Ginny doesn't like it now. She would never say anything but…she gives me her mother's look when she sees me hug you and reminds me in no uncertain terms that I shouldn't touch Ronald."

"I'll talk to her, I don't think she can understand a girl can have a friend and not … you know, be more."

"Thanks, just … sometimes, Harry…" she hid her face in her hands and started to sob.

"Ah, come on kid, talk to me, I've been your best mate for ten years now. After listening to you living in that bloody tent, I don't think you can shock me about anything."

"Sometimes…" she struggled to stop her tears and lift her head. "I just want to hold someone. You know? When things get too much? Sometimes I just get lonely and want to come home and have someone to talk with. Someone waiting for me, someone just for me."

"You have us. Hermione, you don't need to be lonely. Ginny loves you, and all the Weasleys. Bloody hell, I thought you and Ron would never make up, but he even thinks of you as one of his closest friends, and Neville. Everyone at the Burrow asks about you."

"Not that kind of lonely," she said softly, locking her eyes on his. "I don't have anyone special, just for me. The blokes at work don't come near me. The other girls treat me like an outsider, and it has been two years. Two years and they still … I don't know what."

"Someday you…"

"Oh fuck," she stood up, grabbed the cups off the table and put them in the sink. "I'm not looking for a lover, just… I don't know Harry, but someone I can be with, that I can spend time with. That I can talk to about more than hemlines and new shoes. Not be a third wheel, or run to my room when someone wants to snog in front of me. Is that too much to want?"

"Snape?"

"No," she said hesitantly, avoiding his eyes. "He just happened to be in front on me when the hormones kicked in. You know how I get. I either want to run to the library and avoid showing how I feel or I hug. He was there, I was upset, so I picked on him instead of a tree. I learn quickly though, next time I'll go for the Whomping Willow. I'll get a better reception. God, Harry, if you could have seen his face. I know he … I thought that we were at least friends, but he looked absolutely repulsed."

"He always looks like that," Harry joked and was immediately sorry when he saw her begin to snivel again. "I heard you up last night."

"I couldn't sleep," she shrugged.

"Maybe you should see someone, Hermione. It's not getting any better."

"Leave it alone, Harry."

"It's been long enough. You shouldn't still be having those dreams."

"Yes Healer Potter. I see you have become the expert in everything." She sighed and stood up. "You are irritating you know."

"I worry about you."

"Good, it will take your mind off the important stuff." She was pleased to see he took the hint and leaned back in his chair, not answering her or calling her back as she walked up to her room.

.

.

Severus was still in his office well after midnight when his elf brought a tray and dropped it noisily on the desk.

"Millie," Severus said slowly. "If I were hungry I would have called."

"No lunch you had today and no dinner." She put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot. "Tomorrow you have headache. You yell for Millie, you say get me god damns potion and …."

"Fine," he grumbled and reached out for the sandwich. "Are you satisfied? I'm eating."

"I wait for plate." Millie narrowed her eyes at him.

Severus took a bite of the sandwich and made a show of chewing it. He knew she would not leave until she had seen him eat more than a single mouthful. She reached up and pushed the pumpkin juice closer to him, stepped back bowing and then ran to the floo and picked up a bowl of custard that the had kitchen sent .

"Are you trying to bribe me, Millie?"

"Yes, Master Headmaster, sir," Millie grinned happily as he drained the pumpkin juice.

He chuckled as she made a grand flourish of handing him his custard. He dipped in his spoon and took the first bite, and as she had done for over forty years, Millie clapped her hands happily.

"You may go now." He waved her away.

"Yes Master." She nodded but did not move.

"Will you have companies for breakfast?"

Severus paused with the spoon half way to his mouth and looked at the elf.

"Your woman, Master, will she be eating the breakfast too?"

Severus laid the spoon down and studied Millie. He had learned over the years not to argue with her over little things, finding it easier to do things such as drinking juice. He had also learned never to let her imagination run wild.

"Since I do not have a woman, nor do you see one with me this evening I will take that question as evidence that you are losing your mind."

"Severus, do not browbeat the poor thing again." Minerva bustled into the office.

He frowned at Minerva and turned back to the elf. "Well?"

"You needs a woman."

"Fine," he said evenly. "When I find one that would agree to be locked up in the dungeons, feed by a mad elf, and not complain to live with a former Death Eater I will let you know."

"She just wants you to be happy, Severus."

"Minerva, could I interest you in moving down to the dungeons?" he asked evenly.

"Severus, now apologise to her." She looked down at the elf who was dabbing her eyes, although Severus could swear she did not have a tear.

"I will not. Millie, tell her why I should have a woman."

"Babies," she sighed and clasped her hands in front of her.

"Any more questions?" He asked Minerva flatly. "You must understand it is not my happiness she seeks but her own."

"Oh my," Minerva grinned. "Millie, that is inappropriate."

"That's enough, Millie, if I need anything else or if I find a pregnant woman I can chain up in the dungeons I will let you know."

Millie slunk back and raised her hand, ready to snap her fingers when she stopped and looked defiantly at Severus.

"Say it and I will skin you, hang your head in the Black house and bury you with clothes." Severus glowered at her, then watched as she snapped her fingers and disappeared.

"I take it she is still upset over your divorce," Minerva laughed as she sat down at the desk.

"Divorce would mean there is a true marriage. I prefer to refer to it as needing a correction on paper."

"Have you managed to find anything on the incident in the forest?"

"No. I can find nothing in the library, although I still have four tomes to go through it does not look hopeful."

"And the Ministry?"

"Nothing. However, I expected nothing more."

"I have spent the evening talking to the portraits, but alas have fared no better," Minerva admitted. "What I cannot understand is the Centaur's refusing to bury their own. Never have I heard of such a thing."

"Not being able to determine a cause, they believed whatever fell him could be transferred." He frowned. "I cannot blame them for exercising due caution. I believe their numbers to be half of what they were before the war. They are just being cautious, as they should."

"If you had not happened on him, he would be there still," Minerva sighed. "What we do not want is a student coming upon something like that."

"I will have Hagrid set up some sort of signal they can use to advise us if it happens again. They prefer to deal with him over me."

"They have always respected the Headmaster of Hogwarts and will do so as long as these walls stand," Minerva insisted.

"Respect me? Yes, but prefer to deal with me? No. I will make this as easy on them as possible."

"Do as you will." She stood to leave. "But it is late and past time for bed. I suggest you do the same, you know the students feel better when we are all present at the morning meal."

Severus watched her leave, then turned and picked up one of the four books that still lay untouched in front of him. He looked at the hourglass and hoped he could finish before breakfast.

.

.

.

Hermione dressed with care the next morning. She needed to look professional and not like a schoolgirl that may heave her breakfast at the slightest hint of trouble. Downing half a vial of calming potion, and shoving the rest in her pocket, she took a deep breath, double checked the length of her skirt, and started downstairs, the smell of bacon wafting up from the kitchen.

"Just in time," Harry greeted her. "I thought you may need something other than just tea before starting out today."

"What I need to do is apologise for last night. I was a perfect brat. You have every right hate me. "

"Shut up," he grinned waved the spatula at the table where a piece of parchment lay still unrolled and tied.

Breaking the twine and the seal, she read the short missive, instructing her to report directly to Hogwarts.

"Great," she sighed, and poured a cup of tea from the pot Harry had waiting. "Where is that honey you said Luna brought over?"

"Bad morning? I figured something was up when an owl came so early."

"Hogwarts. I have to go directly to Hogwarts then meet Mike for dinner to compare notes."

Harry turned from the stove, looked at her shoes. Then let his eyes travel up until he reached her face.

"You look nice for dinner after work, but a tad over dressed for tromping through the forest," he sniggered.

"We have to go through the library and I didn't want a lecture on decorum and proper dress while in the sacred halls of Hogwarts. Harry, do you remember ever seeing any of the old textbooks in there? Really old textbooks? From the first or second century?"

"No, and I looked," he frowned as he slid a plate in front of her and put one down for himself. "During the tournament I kept thinking they wouldn't be testing us on stuff that wasn't covered in books I could find someplace. I even asked Pince, but all she said was that the old books weren't used for a reason."

"I'll have to ask Snape," she mused.

"You need to eat."

"No, it will just give me more to clean up later," she laughed, feeling suddenly much better.

"Here," Harry leaned over and poured another cup of tea for her. "At least finish this up."

"You aren't having any?"

"Um, no, I drank mine already." He dropped his eyes to the teapot that he had doctored with a calming potion.

"It is quite good," she swallowed down half the cup. "There's a taste I can't place."

"Must be the honey," Harry said hopefully.

'Luna brought it?" she giggled. "No telling what the bees looked like. Maybe giant flying Nargles pollinating dwarf pygmy puffs."

Harry leaned back and swallowed hard watching her giggle turn into an uproarious laugh. He looked at the teapot and smiled as he refilled her cup. "So, you won't be eating at home tonight?"

"I guess not." She shrugged and grinned. "I have never heard of Mike meeting anyone in the office for dinner before. Maybe this is how he fires people."

"Can't you imagine that he likes you?"

"Mike?" She looked thoughtful and put her cup down. "He seems nice enough, but he has never made any indication that he likes me."

"He is your superior, and runs the department. He may just want to keep his personal and professional lives separate."

"He seems nice enough at work, but I've never seen him that way."

"You could give him a chance," Harry suggested. "He may be different out of the lab, not as uptight."

"It's not him that has the tight arse reputation. That would be me," she giggled and took another sip of tea. "Maybe I'll do something about it tonight. You never know, it may be fun to let my hair down and go for a shag."

Harry pulled the teapot away from her and then waited until she set down her cup, snatched it up and took it to the sink.

~0~

**A/N: With the posting of the next chapter, this story will be moved up to "M" rating in keeping with the sites suggestions. It is a mild M, and I do not think it is offensive in any way, nor are the situations in the following chapters so explicit as to cause concern. So consider it a small m.**


	10. Hermione’s Date

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 10**

**Hermione's Date**

* * *

Hermione stumbled out of the floo and into the Headmaster's office. Trying to regain her footing, she knocked into a small table that held an empty pensieve. As it crashed to the floor, she covered her mouth with her hand and fought not to laugh. He would kill her. She giggled louder, imagining his look of horror, and how he would fight to keep his voice even, as if his showing even a small hint of sorrow at the loss of such a treasure was unacceptable.

Inappropriate, she thought and felt a new wave of giddiness take hold. She pulled her wand and called out a repair spell, confused at the new shape of the bowl. Hoping he would not notice the slight wobble in the now elliptical shape, she righted the table and put it back where it belonged. Snorting when she realized the grey of the inside was now on the outside; she looked for a place to hide it, and then deciding the best part of valour was survival, hastily put it back on the table. She ran to the chair in front of the desk and sat, drank down the other half of her vial, and took great interest in the ceiling as she prepared to wait.

"Miss Granger!" Her eyes flew open as her hand rose to wipe the drool from the corner of her mouth.

"Sorry," she mumbled, wincing at the pain in her neck. "I don't do this, fall asleep in public I mean."

"Since here you are, snoring in my office I beg to differ." He glowered at her.

"Umm," she sat up straight, squinting up at him. "How long … so did you just get here?"

"Miss Granger, I have been in the library since dawn, it is now almost dinner time. Since I did not see you at the Leaky Cauldron, as we had planned, I did send the vial you requested to your office."

"Oh," she looked around and tried to focus, her eyes settled on the pensieve. "Perhaps we should move back to the library?"

He studied her face before walking around the desk and forcing her head up to look into her eyes. "You are drunk, Miss Granger."

"I beg your pardon?" She slapped his hands away from her face. "I don't drink, not this early in the morning anyway."

"As I said, you missed morning. If you are not drunk you are over medicated, self-medicated I assume. Tell me, how much potion did you take? For that matter, what did you take?"

"If you must know, and I find it extremely rude for you to ask, only half a vial of calming stuff. I thought you would prefer it to my yaking on your shoes."

He felt the corner of his lip curl up. "Thank you for that, Miss Granger. How long ago did you take this potion?"

"Hours ago, when I first got up, and I've used half potion before with no untoward effects." She lifted her head defiantly as the room spun around her.

"Nothing since?"

"Of course not. Only the other half I took when I got here. I know better than to take a whole vial at once if I plan on travelling."

"Have you eaten today?"

"Breakfast," she choked out. "You said I slept through lunch."

"Tea."

"It had honey in it."

"Honey? You call that breakfast?" He scowled, remembering watching her for years at the morning meal in the Great Hall, seldom eating more than a slice of toast.

"Yes, I quite often only have tea," she hiccupped, and lifted her chin higher.

He went to the fireplace and contacted the kitchen, ordering a lunch tray. Before he could return to his desk, Millie was already setting up the plates in front of Hermione. He glared at the elf knowing she had been waiting for this moment just to get a look at the woman in his office.

"Miss Missus, I so glad you here," Millie said lowering her ears.

"Do I know you? I don't remember you from my time here in Hogwarts." Hermione looked intently on the elf, trying hard to focus.

"No, Missus, I belong to the proud house of Snape."

"Don't listen to her," Severus snapped. "The proud house of Snape is falling down as we speak. It is a hovel at Spinners End."

"She's yours? You own an elf? I always thought you had to be pureblood and rich to have one. Do you beat her?"

"She was my mother's. Gifted to Hogwarts upon my admission and ordered to stay out of sight. Imagine my joy to find her still here," he leaned down and sneered at Millie. "And yes, I think I shall have to start beating her."

"Severus, be nice," she chided. "I always feel sorry for them you know."

"She calls you Severus," Millie clasped her hands to her chest.

"I'm warning you," he seethed.

Hermione grabbed a sandwich and fussed over the elaborate spread of food, trying to get Millie's attention off Severus. Eventually Millie turned to her smiling.

"Dobby's Mr. Potter sent your favourite tea. He said make sure you drink only his."

"How kind. Harry is so good to me. Severus, he uses a special honey Luna Lovegood supplies and it goes really well with my special tea. Do you want to try some?"

He just gave her his famous look and walked behind his desk telling himself he should send her packing, but unable to send her off in this condition. "If you are capable of listening and eating at the same time we need to go over my findings, which I am afraid are rather vague."

Hermione scooted her chair closer to the desk and yawned, smiling at him and sipping her tea. He began to recap the information he had found, and more importantly not found, during his all night research session.

"You spent all night doing this?" She waved her hand at the papers he had spread out. "We should just call it a day and go to bed."

Severus brought his head up slowly and locked his eyes on hers. He saw her lean her head on her hand and look back at him with half lidded eyes, then begin to stretch, cat-like, arching her back and lifting her arms over her head. He looked down to her throat, and the pulse that he could see beating just under her skin.

Swallowing the answer that was on the tip of his tongue, he leaned back and decided he may as well enjoy watching her since she seemed unaware. When her hand reached out for her teacup and began to lift it to her mouth he scowled, and quickly knocked it from her hand.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" she asked incredulously.

Picking up the teapot, he removed the lid and smelled the contents.

"This is from Potter?"

"Yes, he is so nice to me." She sighed. "He fixes my breakfast sometimes and always has the teapot full when he wakes me."

"You live with Potter?"

"Umm-Humm," she purred, again leaning on the desk, "for a little over two years now. I'm tired."

"I see."

"No, no." She wagged her finger at him. "I have my own room. I can have all the friends I want come. Neville, and even that old fart Ronald, comes around some times."

"I see."

"You could come too," she sniffed. "Sometimes I get lonely for someone that talks in more than two syllables. Sometimes Harry tries, but… I don't think he has read a book since he left here and it gets a little boring."

"I don't think so, Miss Granger." He stood and looked at her coldly. "It is time you left."

"So soon?" She looked at the clock. "So it is. I have a date tonight. Imagine that. Old lady Snape with a date."

"I am sure Mr. Potter will enjoy himself."

"Perhaps he will, only lately he is very-very hard to please," she said sadly. "He is getting … I don't know … he's changing … I don't think I like it or the way he treats me when Ginny comes over. I don't like hiding in my room and being alone all the time. He says I should be over everything by now. That nothing should bother me anymore. But it's not that easy."

Snape took her elbow and pulled her up. "You need to sleep it off. I would suggest you and Mr. Potter stay in this evening."

"I don't want to," she yanked her arm from his. "I feel fine, and I have someone that wants to take me to dinner, and not Harry. I feel better than normal, as a matter of fact, and I have a date. A real date. Not one of … that's a lie. I used to lie to you, you know, when I was a student and you were the big mean bat in the dungeons."

"Miss Granger, it is time you left."

She looked up at him tearfully and nodded. "I know. I just thought, that maybe … I need to go. I have a date. Not a real date, that was the lie part, but a date none the less."

She stumbled into the fireplace and as he threw down the floo powder, she called out for the Hogs Head and sniggered as she left in a flash of green light.

"Stupid bint," he said aloud, looking at the fireplace that had just held her a moment before, not understanding the disappointment he felt in her actions. He had thought better of her.

Looking at the teapot, he could not imagine that Potter would stoop so low as to drug a witch. Surely, a war hero of his stature had no need, and the fact that Hermione was living with him already took away any thought that he was trying to drug her to get her into bed. He picked up the teapot and again took a smell. There was no mistaking that the sweet cloying smell that assaulted him did not belong in a pot of tea. He could place the obvious smell, but there was another, a subtle musky smell that he knew did not belong in something Hermione should be drinking unaware. He strode to the fireplace, taking the teapot with him and flooed to see Potter.

An hour later, he was walking into the Hogs Head looking for her. He knew he could not believe everything Potter said, as he refused to identify the extra ingredient, only admitting to the calming potion, but he could easily see the concern when he had found out that Hermione had taken her own vial. Severus had assured him that she was quite safe and that he would stop in on his way back to Hogwarts just to verify that she was well. Now, that he was at the Hogs Head, he could not help but wonder why a '_date_' would bring a respectable witch here.

The Hogs Head catered to the lower end of the social ladder, and whereas everyone stopped in at least once, just to say they had been to the famous bar of Aberforth Dumbledore, it was no place to come alone or for an innocent date. Since the war, it had become the place for the unsavoury elements to meet and discuss the latest news of the war, as if not wanting to let go and admit they were defeated.

He stepped in and paused, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness then quietly walked to the bar, staying to the end, near the wall, and hiding in the shadows. He didn't see her, and growing concerned, he caught Aberforth's eye and signalled him over.

"The Granger witch?"

"Just stepped outside, round back." Aberforth jerked his head to the back entrance that opened into the alley. "Looks like she was partying a bit before she got here if you ask me. That fleshy guy she was with don't seem to care, all over her he is. Not that she seemed to mind."

Severus nodded and walked to the back door, casting a silencing spell as he slipped outside and stood quietly trying to see where she had gone. He saw her standing against the wall, the wizard in front of her leaning forward, assaulting her neck, his hand under her skirt. She twisting her head and moaning.

Severus stepped back to the shadows and put out his hand on the doorknob to return inside, feeling like a voyeur, when he heard the man chuckle and Hermione's low sob.

"Come on, you know you want it," Mike crooned into her ear. "You wanted it when you got here."

"I don't like this. No! I want to go home," she cried, unable to lift her hand, her speech slurred.

"Come on, take another sip of this." He took his hand out from her knickers, reached into his pocket and pulled out at small vial. "You won't even remember what happened in the morning so you can keep up your innocent act. Just one more sip. Come on, be a good little girl, any witch that gives it to Snape and that Potter idiot can let me have some."

Mike felt a hand grab his neck and pull him away from Hermione, then slam him face-first into a rubbish bin. He spun around only to meet Severus' fist as it smashed his face, breaking his nose with a sickening crunch. As he fell forward, Severus brought up his knee into the wizard's groin, and put a well-placed boot hard under Mike's jaw as the wizard crumbled to the ground, making sure he would not be slobbering on another witch's neck anytime soon. He sneered as the wizard began to crawl away and ground his heel into Mike's hand until he heard bones crack.

Only after he had physically assaulted the wizard did Severus pull his wand and bind him with a rope. Looking back at Hermione, he pointed it up to the sky and sent a shower of red sparks to alert the Aurors that they were needed quickly. Then squatting down he grabbed a handful of Mike's hair, twisting the wizard's head up and back.

"I am _reformed_. However, if I ever catch you near her again I may have a setback. Am I clear?"

Mike nodded and spat out a mouthful of blood, choking as it ran down his throat. Severus slammed his head down to the pavement, then stood and went to where Hermione had slid down the wall until she was on the ground, hugging herself and crying. He took off his own outer robe and put it over her shoulders to hide her bare breasts that showed between the rips in her dress. As the crack of the Aurors started behind him, he tipped her face up to his and looked at her eyes, seeing her large dilated pupils.

"That you Snape?" Kingsley hurried over. "What the bloody hell is going…"

"Granger." Severus turned toward Tibbon, and nodded to him. "Take that piece of garbage away before I change my mind and finish him."

Kingsley went back and started barking out orders, leaving Severus to attend to Hermione until a female Auror could be sent.

"Hermione? They are going to take you to St. Mungo's. They will take care of you."

"I want to go home," she whispered. "I don't like it there, just let me go home."

"I am sure you don't," he said softly. "Do you know how much potion he gave you?"

"None." She ran the heel of her hand up her face, then reached out and wiped her hand on his waistcoat, smearing snot mixed with her tears down his chest.

"He put it in her drink. I'll lay odds on it," Kingsley squatted down next to them. "Is she hurt?"

"Not physically." Severus said evenly. "There is a potion somewhere on the ground. He had it in his hand and was forcing it on her when I arrived. If we find it I can give her the antidote, it may be best not to have her in St. Mungo's."

"He's right," Jessie McIntyre joined them. "The publicity will only bring in the vultures to see Mrs. Snape get her due. Let me talk to her alone. If she is okay, we can have a private mediwitch tend to her and skip the formal exam. She's scared and embarrassed this has happened. Most witches blame themselves."

Severus and Kingsley left them alone and waited at the far end of the small alley behind the Hogs Head. They waited until the Aurors had taken their prisoner in and talked to Aberforth who said he had seen nothing out of the normal for his place, and although he was surprised to see Hermione walk out back, it did not seem she went against her will.

Jessie left Hermione sitting on the ground and approached Kingsley shaking her head.

"No, she won't go to St. Mungo's, but she doesn't appear hurt. She is scared and rather embarrassed, but other than the potion she ingested she doesn't seem to have sustained any physical injuries. I told her I would feel better to have her looked at but I can't force it. She has more than just that potion in her or I would say just let her sleep it off, but something is up. If not St. Mungo's you make damn sure someone looks at her."

"I will have Poppy examine her up at Hogwarts." He scowled at Hermione. "Are we done here?"

"Other than getting her memories for the trial, I don't think we need her to appear, and quite frankly, if she is stoned her memories won't help."

"Give me the bottle, mine should be enough." Severus took the small brown bottle and using his wand pulled the memory out, bottled and capped it. "If it's not, just stop by Hogwarts."

"You want help with her?" Jessie asked. "Sometimes they don't remember much and you have to be careful when they wake up, unless she can get the antidote before she goes to sleep. It's better that way, she'll remember what happened and not think it worse than it is or quite frankly, think it was you, if you are the first male she sees when she wakes. We find with this potion what they imagine can be worse than the truth, if you can consider this type of rape not bad enough."

"She knows Poppy, she will feel safe with her." Severus started over to Hermione.

"Snape," Jessie called to him and waited until he was looking at her. "If you had been a minute later, tonight would be finishing a lot different. She may be stoned, but she knows that."

He nodded and helped Hermione to her feet, explaining she would go with him back to Hogwarts. She tried to turn away from him, keeping her eyes downcast, hiccupping as she sobbed.

"Headmaster," Jessie called softly, and handed him the vial that held the potion Mike had snuck into Hermione's drink. "Its nick name on the streets is _Don't Tell_. Your friend here is lucky and her boyfriend is headed to Azkaban. Your Mediwitch should have received a missive about it. All the schools were notified a couple of months ago when we first came across it."

"Miss Granger?" he leaned down to see her face. "Can you walk?"

"Not back in there," she swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "I don't want to see him again."

"No, not back in there, and seeing him again would not be an option. However, we cannot apparate from the alley. We need to get out front."

She nodded and let him put his arm around her waist to support her around the building. Once there he scooped her up, and took her to his office, arriving to a very distraught Minerva.

"Kingsley sent me a Patronus, I have been worried sick." She rushed to the couple and helped guide him to a sofa she had transfigured.

"Severus?" Hermione looked around in confusion. "In Hogwarts a History it says you can't do this."

He set her down and looked at Minerva blankly. "Still the know-it-all I see. Even drugged she has to think that bloody book has all the answers. Stay with her until I brew the antidote, we will talk later." He was almost to the door when he turned back. "This is the same potion Poppy received a warning about. You need to warn the older girls again, have them stay after the morning meal only this time include the fifth years. She was caught in Hogsmeade. I don't want any of my students running into the same thing. It's too close this time."


	11. Intimidation

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 11**

**Intimidation**

* * *

Hermione sat on the windowsill, swaddled in one of Minerva's oversized flannel nightgowns, looking out at the grounds as she pressed her forehead against the cool glass. It seemed like she had never left. She sighed and laid her head back on her knees wondering how a cold stone castle could ever feel so comfortable and safe all of a sudden. She surely had not felt this way during her last year here. she had returned Minerva had insisted she stay in the infirmary, but with Severus' intervention and a yelling match between herself and Poppy, they had finally agreed that Hermione could be moved to one of the unused rooms in the north tower.

She startled as the door opened and looked up to see Severus walking in. "I sent Potter an owl. He wanted me to advise him if anything was wrong. I assured him you were well and his presence was not needed."

"Thank you, I wouldn't want him to worry," she said softly and turned back to the window. "I put everyone through a lot of bother tonight."

The silence spun between them until she turned back to see him watching her from the fireplace, where he stood leaning with one hand on the mantel, his eyes locked on her.

"This is where you tell me I'm not a bother and I am just being foolish." She tried to smile at him as she felt the sting of tears.

"You were foolish. You knew when you left here that you were in no condition to go out drinking. Even if your date had not taken advantage of your condition, you could have injured yourself in transport." He saw her face crumble as she turned from his glare. "You, however, are not to blame for what happened. No matter what your … mindset … it was drug induced. The fault lies with him."

"I know that," she sniffed, looking out the window, avoiding looking at even his reflection in the glass. "I know it and still I feel … guilty that I let this happen. I acted stupidly. I never do things like this, never."

"If you need anything just clap and call Millie by name. I have told her that she is to report to you this evening."

"Fine," she swung her legs off the sill and sat looking at him. "The wards to the bedroom won't recognize me, I tried. So unless you plan on having me sleep on the sofa I suggest you change them."

"That is because this is my sitting room and that is my bedroom. Your chambers are behind the bookcase. There is also an opening from your chamber to the east hallway, but since that is open to the students as well, I thought gaining access through my chambers would protect your privacy."

"This is your sitting room?" She stood and looked around again. "It looks … unused."

"I don't spend much time here." He flicked his wand, causing the bookcase to slide open, revealing a second set of chambers through the passage. "Miss Granger?"

She followed him through the passage to a sitting room not unlike his own. Once there he cast a lumos, showed her the bedchamber, private bath, loo, and reset the wards with her signature.

"After tonight, if you care to stay longer or if Poppy sees a need for it, the bookcase will be sealed and you will have independent chambers. For this evening they will remain open to give Poppy free access to you if the need arises."

"I'm fine, just sleepy is all."

"Then I will bid you good night."

She looked up at him tearfully and nodded. "You know I didn't know what he wanted, don't you? He never even hinted that he was the sort to do something like this."

"Miss … Hermione, most attacks, such as yours, are from someone you would least suspect, usually a close friend or family member. That is why it is so effective and so under reported."

"I just need you to understand that this is not who I am. That I don't…don't…throw myself at men in bars. Bloody hell, I don't even go out unless it's with Harry and Ginny."

"My opinion does not matter, Miss Granger. A witch with weaker morals would also be innocent in this situation. It is not a matter of one's history, Miss Granger. Without clear minded consent, it is simply rape."

She bit her lip and took a step toward him, then unable to stop, knowing that he may again push her away, she flung her arms around his neck and sobbed onto his shoulder. She felt his arms accept her, and cried harder, letting go of all the pent up tears she had been trying to stifle since he had first found her in the alley behind the Hogs Head.

Severus let her sob as he held her, uncertain what to do. He was uncomfortable in the position of caregiver, not knowing what to say or how to act. He stood where he was, unmoving, holding her, letting his head rest on her hair and smelling the sweetness that still lingered from her shower.

"I thought he may like me. I thought just for once someone would like me for me," her voice hitched as she fought to explain to him. "I don't want to be the one that helped Harry, or the smart one, or even the one that got tricked into marrying you. I just want someone to like me for me."

He pulled her away just enough to be able to hook two fingers under her chin and pull her face up. Leaning down to look into her eyes and see if her pupils were still dilated he was surprised when she misread his intentions and leaned in to kiss him. He held still, allowing, welcoming her, waiting to feel her reject him when she realized what she did, and when she clung to him, he deepened the kiss, hungrily seeking entry to her mouth and letting his hands slide down her body.

"You don't have to do this, Hermione," he breathed into her neck when he felt her pressing against him harder. "It is the drugs, now stop."

She pulled back and searched his face, unsure of his reaction, unsure if she should trust the sound of his voice or the memory of his kiss. Unsure if he really cared or if he, like all the rest, would think she was cold and not worth wanting.

"I've gone too far." He brought her arms down from around his neck. "Forgive me if I …"

"No," she pulled her arms from his grasp and again clung to him. "Don't say that, don't."

"You are distraught." He spoke coldly. "I could be accused of taking advantage of you myself."

"But you wouldn't do that," she cried.

Severus chuckled and pulled her arms down again, this time holding them tight and not letting her pull away to reach for him again. "I could do what any man in this situation is capable of doing. I suggest we put this conversation off for another time, when you have had time to sort this out without the benefit of drugs."

"What if I don't want to wait until another time?"

"Then I will send you home now," he said with no hesitation.

She frowned and turned away from him, completely embarrassed. "I need to sleep. I am sorry. I don't know what came over me. I … I don't do these things. I must be more upset than I thought."

"The drugs, Miss Granger. I am surprised even with the antidote you are still functioning. Mr. Potter succeeded in _calming _you quite effectively, add to that the additional draught forced upon you and it is to be expected. Furthermore, you are partaking in herbs, that although unidentified are seeped into your tea."

"This isn't his fault you know. I told him about yesterday, vomiting in the forest, and how nervous I was, and there was no way he would have to know I had already taken something."

"I understand that, Miss Granger. However, if you had not been so … indisposed … you may have been more attentive and seen your _date_ slip the potion into your drink. Your reaction to me proves that your judgement is still not what it should be."

"That's enough," she said with a hint of anger to her voice. "I'm sorry, Okay? It won't happen again, I can assure you of that."

"No, it is not enough. Since word came to us of this potion, we have instructed all our sixth and seventh year girls on a simple spell detection. Tomorrow you will learn it yourself."

"Why wasn't the spell department notified?" She lifted her chin and tried to act as professional as she could, finding it easier to hide her feelings when asking questions instead of standing under his scrutiny.

"Because, Miss Granger, everytime we find a spell to protect our girls, and that spell is put out to the public, the potion is modified. The Auror division keeps us informed, and in an unusual act of intelligence does not inform your department. I have had one child abused. I will not tolerate sending another to her parents in such condition."

"You think someone in the Ministry is responsible?"

"No, I think it becomes so well known that some stupid girl tells her boyfriend about it, who then brags to his mates and soon even the potion makers hear of it and know to alter it enough not to be discovered."

"It's illegal to teach untested spells," she said crossly.

"If you remember, Miss Granger, I have been accused of much more serious offences than teaching young girls how do defend themselves."

"But you never took advantage of a witch," she lifted her face to his, and saw him flinch.

"I believe the charge of war crimes included that as well. People do not remember the verdict, Miss Granger, they remember the charge." He pulled the passage open for her, signalling to her that it was time for him to leave. "We will not speak of your response to me, Miss Granger, it was a drug induced and as such should be forgotten."

She stood suddenly alone as he slid the passage way closed behind him, the only light a small wall sconce that gave off a yellow glow. She felt her face crumble and her chest hitch before she felt the tears. Running into the bedroom, she flung herself across the bed, pulling the quilt around her and sobbing until she was at last able to fall into a fitful sleep.

.

.

The next morning Hermione woke to angry voices coming from the passageway. She knew that the only way she could hear the voices was if Severus had left the passageway partially opened after checking on her. She reflexively pulled her nightgown down as she swung her legs off the bed. Seeing no robe laid out, and knowing the clothes she had on yesterday had been ripped and unwearable, she pulled the quilt and wrapped it around her shoulders. Tiptoeing across the bedroom and into the sitting room, she sprinted to the passageway and listened.

"Of course I did," Severus' angry voice carried to her. "What else would you have me do with her?"

"You know better! If anyone were to know she was here, your position would be in jeopardy." She heard Minerva yell back.

"It would not be the first time I was accused of forcing a witch."

"No one has accused you of anything!"

"It is the only open room, where would you have me put her, I ask you again?"

"You should have moved one of the male professors up here and given her his room for the night."

"I thought we agreed no one should know she was here?"

"Yes, but we did not agree that…"

Minerva stopped as Hermione stepped into the room, the quilt pulled tightly around her, her bare feet sticking out from the bottom.

"As soon as I get some clothes I can leave," she looked from one to the other. "You can both quit yelling about me now."

"My dear," Minerva said sadly. "I meant nothing against you. It's just that he must be so careful."

"I understand that. I don't remember much about how I got here…" she glanced as Severus before locking her eyes on Minerva, realizing what this could look like, at the same time she remembered how she had kissed him. "Did anyone in fact see me?"

"No, nothing as simple as that. There are however, Ministry officials in my office demanding to see you. I have convinced them to wait while I collect you."

"What do they want?" Hermione looked from Minerva to Severus again, seeing both of them trying to avoid her gaze.

"It seems that your ex-husband is jealous," he spat.

"What?"

"Your _date_ is claiming that the memory I gave them does not show the true nature of your involvement. He is insisting that you went willingly … that you did not voice any objections until your ex-Death Eater husband showed up. It was only then that you protested."

"Give me a vial," she spat. "They want memories I'll give them mine."

"Which would those be Miss Granger? Your drug induced fantasies?" Severus sneered. "By your own admission you did not see, or know that you were drugged. Your memories would work in his favour if you did not protest until you were in the alley and did not see, nor remember the potion."

"No, I guess … Minerva, I will say I stayed with you last night, on your sofa. If I drop the charges …"

"You will do not such thing," Minerva snapped.

"What will you have me do?" She cried, turning to Severus. "If I go through with this, what happens to you?"

"It is not up to me," he scowled at her. "I will be called as a witness if it goes that far. You are not to concern yourself about the repercussions."

"He'll say I was drunk but that I wanted it before I even had a drink, since I have no drug free memories it'll become my word against his." She laughed. "Great isn't it. That bastard will get away with it."

"Not if you…" Minerva started.

"No, Minerva. After he is done with me what happens to Severus? If Mike sticks to his story, that Severus was jealous, then what? That only explains how he reacted when he beat the shite out of him. They will accuse him of stalking us. How else would he have found us? Oh, bloody hell, if they find out about the calming potion it will drag Harry into it. It will start all over again. The whole, b_ut what do you expect from an old Death Eater _thing."

"I am used to the rumours, Hermione. You must do this."

"Not like this. Not like when I know what he can spin. I work for him. Remember? Or rather, I did work for him. If the Ministry bothered to send someone on his behalf, they will get rid of me as soon as possible. Oh gods, I could never work with him in the same room anyway. You do know that if I press charges he will not only win, but will then press his own charges. You did break his hand you know."

"Severus, get her some clothes while I continue to stall the idiots in my office." She shot Hermione a look of understanding and hurried out to the hallway.

"Come," he sighed and headed for his bedchambers.

"You have to understand that I don't even remember walking outside with him." Hermione wiped her eyes. "I don't remember more then meeting him there and Aberforth sending over a drink… then I was outside and he was… he…"

"It is over Miss Granger and I do not need an explanation." He stood waiting for her to join him.

"I want you to believe me damn it!" she shouted.

"I do Miss Granger, now please." He stepped into his room, indicating that she should follow.

She followed him to one of the two cupboards in his bedroom and let out a snort of laughter when he pulled it open revealing female clothing.

"I won't ask, but I'm dying to know," she tried to smile and lifted an eyebrow at him.

"I on occasion have a student in need. If you check the other side you will find clothing suitable for young boys."

Hermione looked at the clothing thoughtfully. "You know what someone could make of this, in your private chambers and all? It could be made to look other than what it is."

"Hermione, last week one of the sixth years was in tears when one of her spells went wrong. She rushed in here to report one of her classmates had been harmed and needed medical attention. Should I have let her run back to her rooms with noxious potions on her robes? You will find the same thing in many of the professor's chambers."

"Of course not, but … Severus, I know it's wrong but obviously you have to be careful of everything you do around here. At least move the wardrobe out to the sitting room."

"I will not stop living to satisfy others. I have given up quite enough."

"Well," she sighed, pulling out a pair of baggy jeans and a pullover that would come almost to her knees. "I guess if they looked at the type of clothes they would never say you gave them anything sexy."

"I have always found it is _how_ the clothes are worn that makes a woman alluring." He raised an eyebrow at her.

"Severus," she laughed taking the clothes into her quarters to dress. "No one could look sexy in these. I should know."

He watched her go, and then muttered under his breath, as he closed the cupboards, "Don't be to sure."

.

.

Hermione walked to Minerva's office to meet with the Ministry's officials. As soon as she entered the office she knew what was about to happen. Mrs. Robinson, from personnel, sat primly behind Minerva's desk with Hermione's file conspicuously open in front of her. She did not look up but snapped her fingers and pointed to the chair opposite her.

"Your employment is being terminated due to certain inconsistencies we found in our original application." She slammed a stamp down on top of the form then picked it up and handed it to Hermione. "You signed the applications stating that all statements were truthful, and swore under penalties of perjury the same thing upon accepting the position."

"What did I lie about?" Hermione asked flatly.

Mrs. Robinson pushed the papers back with a sneer. "Mrs Snape, is it not? Yet everything you sent in was under the name Granger with no mention of your marital status."

"I thought my original name had been reinstated." She threw the paper back on the desk. "Are you saying that no one knew who I was?"

"Facts are facts." Mrs Robinson stood up, only to look down on Hermione contemptuously. "Perhaps this will teach you to spread lies about co-workers and besmirch the name of the Ministry."

"Perhaps you will learn not to besmirch the name of Granger if this goes to court." Hermione snipped. "This is a lie and you know it as well as I."

"It is also true that you live with Mr. Potter? I am sure you do not want to risk your lover's job as well?"

Hermione sat heavily in the chair, too tired and too weary to argue. She drew her bare feet up under her as Mrs. Robinson's heels clicked on the stone floor. She thought of Harry and knew he would feel guilty, thinking he had played a part in what happened. She sighed and thought of how Ginny would look at her sorrowfully and act as if she should known better, and she loathed the idea of seeing Ronald's frown and his half meant threats against the Ministry.

She hugged her knees and closed her eyes, remembering how Severus had reacted to her kiss, and began to sob. They would not stop with her. They had to go after him, knowing that to let _Granger the War Hero_ go, they had to make their case in the public opinion by going after him. If she fought this, she was putting more than just her own reputation in danger. She was risking the reputation of everyone she cared for. What she didn't understand, was why.

"Hermione?" Minerva stood behind the chair. "Tell me what you need."

"I need to leave. If I stay any longer they will find a way to bring Severus into this and they have already threatened Harry's job."

"Severus is a big boy and quite capable of taking care of himself, and as for Harry, he would want you to fight."

"If I fight this they will go after Severus, Minerva. They will fire Harry in some trumped up charge and go after Severus. You know it as well as I do. It is one thing, to be proven innocent of war crimes, but if there is any sort of scandal the parents will be down his throat and demand his resignation. The Ministry won't have to lift a finger." She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Minerva, I can't do that to Harry. He and Ginny are planning a wedding and they don't need something like this right now. Ginny already hates me staying with him, all I need now is to have him lose his job and have the whole Weasley clan come down on me. And, let's not forget Ronald. If you remember how they treated him after the trials when Augusta's little plan unfolded, you will remember how our breakup became fodder for the gossips. Do you think they won't ruin his job as well? Even if they don't, just seeing his name smeared across the Prophet again… I can't, I won't do that."

She stood up and faced Minerva. "Maybe this will work out for the best. I've been meaning to look for something more challenging. I have marketable skills, I am sure I will have another job in no time."

"Good girl," Minerva smiled. "Don't let them get to you. I am sure in a few weeks time you will have a much better position and this will all blow over. However, I will insist they give back the memories they took from Severus, if you ever need them in the future I will keep them safe for you. I want you to reconsider this, Hermione. He should not be allowed to get away with it."

"I just need to tell the Headmaster that I appreciate his help." She gave Minerva a hug and returned to his sitting room where he sat in front of the fire eating breakfast.

"May I join you for a cup of tea?" she asked, smiling when he looked up startled when she walked in. "I thought I would catch you here."

"Yes, please sit," he said, nodding at the tea service. "Millie always adds an extra cup hoping… yes. How may I help you Miss Granger?"

"I don't need anything. I just wanted to say thank you for everything and I hope I have not been too much bother."

"How did your meeting with the Ministry officials go?"

"It seems I am out of work." She poured a cup of tea and smiled weakly. "I have been there over two years now and never advanced, perhaps it is a good thing. There are a couple of research labs I wanted to look into, now I have a reason to get off my duff and do it."

"You are well qualified. With the recognition you gained during…and after the war, you should be well known enough to have many doors open for you. That recognition added to superior grades and your penchant for research puts you in good stead."

"Yes, well… it seems not everyone was thrilled with Augusta's solution to your problem." She pulled her feet up into the chair and settled back surprising herself with how comfortable she was. "Seems I used the name Granger instead of Snape on my application."

"If that is all they have against you, Miss …"

"Mrs. Snape. I have been informed I am Mrs. Snape." She laughed at the look on his face. "But since you are also a Snape I think it would be proper if you called me Hermione. After all, you have now seen me in positions my own parents have never seen me in. I also want to sincerely apologise for my actions last night, I know I embarrassed you."

"What becomes of your research?" He dropped his eyes to the tray as he set his cup down, avoiding her eyes and the conversation of the previous evening.

"I am to turn in my notes, my badge, and… Fuck, I'll send them by owl." She muttered. "I can make copies if you like, but I really didn't find much. We can hope it is an isolated case. Just some idiot that thought he would not be caught."

"He wasn't."

"I know," she sighed. "Well, I should be going and you have a school to run. If something else turns up you will owl me?"

"Yes, Miss… Hermione. Before you leave you are to visit Poppy and learn the spell I told you about last evening."

"I don't plan on…"

"Nor did you plan on this happening yesterday, yet it did. Just as it has happened to a sixteen year old child that should have been safe under my care. No, you will see Poppy or she will come to London. It is that simple."

"I am sorry, Severus, no one could blame you."

"I blame myself," he said quietly, "as do her parents."

"I will stop in at the infirmary before I leave." She headed back to her temporary rooms to tidy up the space and make sure the room was as she had found it before going to the infirmary to get the new spell and return home.


	12. A Wedding

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 12**

**A Wedding**

* * *

Six months later Hermione was still without a job. After applying to everyplace that offered a decent salary in Diagon, she had tried every wizarding establishment in Muggle London, thinking they would be more likely to want someone used to Muggle life. One after another sent her a polite reply, all saying the position had already been filled, only to run the same employment advert in the next copy of the Daily Prophet.

Harry had assured her that his original refusal of rent still stood. He never asked for help with the monthly expenses and would bring in the grocery bags, unpack and stock the shelves when she was not home to worry about the cost. She knew he would never even hint that it was time for her to move on, or to help with expenses.

Hermione also knew that in only four weeks he would be bringing Ginny home as his wife and at that time a guest in the house would seem more of an intrusion than offering a friend a place to stay. She searched her closet for a summer dress, appropriate to wear to a Weasley wedding, but came up short. Trying to transfigure what she already had, she kept thinking she was dressed more for a Hogwarts gala than a wedding. She no longer had any idea of what the fashion was and glancing at the clock, she decided on quick tip to Diagon. Some window shopping was in order.

She recognised Severus while he was still several shops ahead of her. Smiling she hurried to catch him. It had been three months since she had seen him outside of Hogwarts when she visited with Minerva, and now was somewhat happy to see his long legged gait as he strode ahead of her. Catching up with him, she fell in step beside him and tucked her hand into his elbow.

"Well, Headmaster, saving any damsels in distress?"

"I am afraid the only one that needed my help is said to be an old divorced woman." He looked down at her trying to hide his surprise.

"Afraid? Missing the old days? Looking for some excitement?"

"I am too old for excitement, Miss Granger. I am learning to live without it and finding the effort quite worthwhile."

"Ah, best call me Mrs. Snape. If you are overheard using my wrong name you may find yourself blacklisted," she laughed. "How are you, Severus? I can honestly say I have missed your sour face."

"Blacklisted?" He stopped walking and looked down at her frowning.

"I think it's still called that, however I could be wrong. The owl I got last month in response to a job application said my qualifications need updating, so I must be sorely out of touch with the newest terms."

He took her hand, put it back under his elbow, and started walking again, carefully shortening his strides to match hers.

"How is Mr. Potter? I received his invitation to the Burrow."

"Oh, please. Do come. I am afraid I will be quite alone if you don't."

"I hardly think you would be alone at the Burrow, Miss Granger."

"Mrs. Snape, I am quite serious about it. Harry was warned, as was Arthur. It seems by referring to me as Miss Granger you are usurping the Ministry's authority."

"Have you attempted to change your name?"

"We were divorced. If it were an annulment I could do it, but in a divorce, I am stuck. I've read up on it."

"It will change eventually, I am sure of it."

"I don't think they will ever change their minds."

"When you remarry, you will take your husband's name."

"Oh, that's what I wanted to know, about the wedding." She looked up at him from the corner of her eye. "Will you be there? At the Burrow?"

"I dislike large gatherings, so I will send my congratulations and a tactful gift."

"Tactful." She grinned.

"Tact, Miss Granger. Have you forgotten the meaning of the word?"

"Of course not, I even sent Tibben a tactful gift," she snorted.

"And? Do go on Miss…Mrs. Snape."

"Since he seems so fond of prostitutes I sent him a whole box of them. Doxy, that is what they were once called, is it not?"

Severus stopped and looked down at her surprised at her admission, choking down his laugh. "Indeed Mrs. Snape, you perhaps need to be resorted."

"No, a Slytherin would have sent a card with it and made it look like someone else, someone they disliked, sent them. I, however, have learned the better part of modesty and caution, it's called cowardice. But this is, as a matter of fact, where I must tactfully tell you to get lost so I can steal some design ideas," she whispered as she pulled him to a stop in front of the robe shop.

"Steal?"

"I've been out of work for over six months, I need to transfigure a dress for the wedding but have no idea where to start. I can't afford anything decent so I thought I could get some ideas."

"Then I will leave you to your theft," he nodded and started to walk away when Hermione sprinted after him again.

She grabbed his arm, blushing at how forward she was acting, and realized he had said nothing to encourage her. She saw his face darken and released him stepping back.

"I … I … never mind …" she stammered.

"You wanted something?" He frowned.

"I just wanted to say … umm … it was good to see you?"

"Is that a question?"

"No? Maybe?" She tried to smile. "Damn it! Must you always be so proper? I just wanted to talk."

"If I may be so bold to ask, about what?"

"I don't know. I just thought maybe…"

"I am busy, Miss Granger. I am sure you have friends to whom you may talk."

"Right." She stepped further back from him. "Have you ever been the only one without a job? Everyone I know is _busy_. They work all day then … I'm sorry. I see you are busy as well, forgive me."

"Tell me, Miss Granger, do you want to continue this conversation?"

She thought she heard his voice soften, she thought she saw him take a step closer.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" She smiled widely.

"If you are done with your theft in an hour I will meet you at the Leaky Cauldron. That is of course if you chose to show up this time and not fall asleep sitting up somewhere staring at the ceiling."

"I won't sit down, just in case." She grinned.

"Fine, in an hour?"

"I would like that." She smiled, biting her lower lip as he walked away, then happily went into the robe shop.

She walked up and down the aisles, flipping through the racks of dresses, unable to focus as she kept looking down at her watch and wondering how she would get through lunch without making a fool of herself. She waved off the salesgirl and left, hurried to the Leaky Cauldron, and found Severus already waiting.

.

.

The wedding at the Burrow was everything Hermione had thought it would be. Ginny was beautiful, and Harry was nervous. She watched Harry's face when Ginny walked toward him, and saw how he held her hand as they knelt on the ground. He seemed unaware of the eyes of a hundred people as he turned over her hand and kissed her palm, momentarily loosing himself in her eyes. Ginny grinned and raised her hand to his cheek, tuning his head back to the wizard that stood in front of them, chanting the sacred words.

It was in that small act that Hermione knew they would do fine, that no matter what happened they would always have each other. She let her eyes roam and saw Ronald sitting with his newest girl and smiled at Neville who sat looking at Hannah, instead of the couple that knelt together. She suspected that another wedding would soon be in the offering now that he was back with her. The sight of Augusta Longbottom dabbing at her eyes and sniffing was enough to leave a bitter taste in Hermione's mouth and made her glad to have taken a seat in the back.

She found herself watching the old woman and wondering about her life. Her husband gone, her son committed to St. Mungo's for the rest of his life, her grandson soon to be on his own and away from her. She looked back at Harry and Ginny and wondered how Augusta saw this day. Did she shed tears of happiness, remembering her own special day, or tears of sadness that it had been taken away? Had she once been beautiful? Had she once had dreams and wanted more, and if so when did she stop dreaming? Suddenly Hermione felt her chest constrict, and heard her heart begin to beat faster. She looked away from Augusta and the couple in front of her, not wanting to see what she now knew was Augusta's loneliness.

After the ceremony, she found a place to sit away from the crowd, feeling again out of place and alone. She was surprised and pleased to see George make his way to her, balancing a drink and a piece of cake.

"I didn't see you up front, thought you had left," George slid onto the chair next to her.

"Soon," she grinned. "Us third wheels make the seating arrangements difficult."

"Yeah," he looked over his shoulder, searching the crowd.

"So," Hermione grinned. "Who are you looking for?"

"Angelina, but she said she won't come. I was hoping she changed her mind."

Hermione turned and sought out Molly, seeing her standing with her arm around Harry. "Your Mum still can't let Fred go?"

"She still talks about her as if she and Fred were … you know …" he locked his eyes on hers. "They had broken up. Fred knew after she dumped him that I was seeing her, he was okay with it."

"Tell her, George. She's your mother. She needs to know before you loose your chance to be happy."

"I've tried. She starts crying like I am stealing Fred's girl or something," he sighed, taking up Hermione's hand. "I don't know what to do about it."

"How is Angelina with it?"

He shrugged and leaned back in the chair. "She's fine, but blames herself mostly."

"Whatever for?"

"For avoiding the truth for so long, not wanting to hurt Mum."

"And hurting you instead," Hermione let her hand cover his. "Oh, George. Say something before it's too late."

"What about you?"

"Me?"

"No one in the wings?"

"No one that wants to be. He treats me like I have the plague, or more like I am the rat that is carrying it."

"A wizard would know we have a cure for that." He chuckled. "So is he Wizard or Muggle?"

"Wizard, but this one would find a way to prove the potion deficient, or claim the cure temporary," she snickered. "We have lunch together almost daily now, but he still treats me as if I am a child."

"Snape?"

She stared at him. "George, so help me god, it you say one word to anyone I'll say Angelina is carrying Fred's love child and you're hot for Stan Turnpike."

George laughed outright. "I don't think even with a time turner that would work."

"I mean it, George."

"You look nice today. So that's the new dress I heard all about?"

"Yes, a little low cut and rather tight for me, but when the owl came this morning I couldn't very well refuse it." Hermione looked down at the black silken dress. "I was going to change the colour, but thought if he went to so much bother I couldn't just not wear it, or change it."

"Ginny didn't think so either, that's why he sent it the day of the wedding, so you wouldn't have time to fix it."

"I ranted to Harry about not having anything to wear, then this came," she smiled. "It's a little much for a day time wedding, but I wanted to wear it anyway. I may not get another chance."

"Looks better than the way Ginny described it."

"Ginny picked it out?" she chuckled. "I should have known Harry wouldn't have such good taste or know the size."

"No, I don't remembering her mentioning that Harry went with them."

Hermione looked at him and saw the lopsided grin. She knew he hid more than just the fact that it had been Ginny that picked out the dress.

"George?"

"Pledged to secrecy." He winked.

She stood and put her palms on the table, hissing at him. "I'll kill her. I would never accept this from a strange wizard. Do you have any idea what he will think he is entitled to now? Do you know how much this must have cost? If this is your mother's idea I'll hex her!"

"I don't know him well, but I would suspect he doesn't expect anything since he didn't send a card with it." He stood and faced her. "Obviously he doesn't think you have the plague and he didn't buy that number for a rat."

"Snape?"

"You know Hermione, Harry thinks he is okay, and even Neville says they get along well enough at work. It's only you that seems to think he still sees you as a child and not a friend. I know what we all thought of him, but I thought you had learned something since the war. Am I wrong?"

"It seems I have been the topic of discussion," she seethed. "Was it fun to joke about poor lonely Hermione that no one wants? That Snape won't look twice at? Did you have a good laugh at me? Tell me, is Ginny happy that Snape… that he would send me a dress and … Is she telling everyone it's all in my head?"

"You know you can't keep secrets around here. Mum even had the guest-seating chart made up to put you next to him. She thought you would … you know, have someone to sit with."

"Everyone knows?" she whispered. "It's not like I am throwing myself at him, not like I... I have to go."

"Everyone knows what, Hermione? He is just a friend, right? You need to stay out of the Leaky Cauldron if you want to hide. Tom is the biggest gossip in the alley, him and Marlkin. I'm sorry, I thought you … from what Ginny said you're just friends with him, right?"

"I need to go," she stammered. "It's not funny. He is nice to me. He is. I don't give a fuck what Ginny says. She thinks I don't … never mind. Just …never mind."

"I can take you. Mum said to make sure no one drinks and splinches."

"No, I've only had one glass of wine." She felt her chest constricting. "I need to leave. Fuck, and I imagine Ginny will make a point to let everyone know that this is the dress Snape sent his … his… what the fuck am I?"

"Hermione?" George looked at her strangely, as she sprinted away. "I… I didn't know …really, it was a joke."

She hurried to the Apparation point, feeling foolish for having come. Damn him, damn him for letting Ginny do this. She paused and looked back toward the Burrow as she stepped into her spin, stumbling and hoping that Severus was right about the History of Hogwarts.

Landing in the same sitting room he had hidden her in the night Mike had attacked her, she swallowed hard and hurried to the passageway, pushed it open and walked into his side.

"I am glad you're home." She stood looking at him, twisting her hands in the folds of her dress.

"And to what to I owe this invasion of my privacy?" He looked up from the chair where he sat reading.

"I needed to come here."

"You have to do better than that." He laid the book down and continued to stare at her.

"Help me out here, Severus. I don't know how to do this."

"If I had an idea of what you were doing perhaps I could."

She reached her arm around to her back and unzipped the dress, then let it slip down her shoulders. She looked up at him biting her lip, her face getting red.

"I plan on seducing you." She let the dress pool at her feet and stepped out of the circle of fabric, fighting the need to cover her bra and knickers with her hands.

"I see." He smirked at her, his eyes looking everyplace but at her face. "Not a lot of practice I see. Your technique needs work."

"No, no experience, but I thought this was a good way to start. Sort of takes away any misunderstandings you may have."

"Misunderstandings?" he said, standing and walking toward her.

"About what I am doing. I don't want you to think I just came to talk. You know, like a good friend would do."

"I see." He felt the corner of his curl up. "This does seem to make conversation unnecessary".

"I should have thought of a graceful way to get out of this, in case you don't want me here," she stammered, suddenly unsure that this was a good idea. "Everyone seems to think you don't."

"Hermione, are you certain you want this?"

"Shut up, I'm seducing you. You're not supposed to think about it."

"It doesn't seem you have given it much thought either, one of us has to."

He traced her face with the pad of his thumb, stopped, and pressed it against her mouth, rewarded to feel her part her lips and suck on it gently.

"I thought … maybe I should have thought of a better plan?" She closed her eyes as his thumb travelled down her throat. "Maybe I should have waited for you to seduce me, but that could take too long. I wanted this in this decade, not the next."

"You think this plan may not work?" He leaned in to kiss her neck.

"I think you're still moving too bloody slow," she said, surprised when her voice sounded husky, deeper than normal.

"I want to make sure you know what you are doing." He moved down, and kissed the place between her breasts, as his hand reached behind her and pinched her bra clasp together, releasing it.

"I don't want to think." She thread her fingers through his hair and brought his mouth to her. "Now shut up and let me do this."

"Have you been drinking?"

"No," she gasped, as his head fell back to the path he had been on and his mouth found her breasts.

"Have you had any potions today?" he chuckled, when he released her nipple.

"Fuck it, Snape," she hissed. "You are making this too hard. I thought all wizards waited for this type of thing to happen, stop trying to get out of it."

"Not as hard as you are making it," he straightened up and frowned at her.

"I hope that is a double entendre and not a statement of fact," she breathed heavily. "I am standing here in my knickers and heels and you are joking."

He stepped back and looked down at her appraisingly. "You're right. The knickers would have to go. The heels I don't mind."

He walked around her, slowly, as if appraising what he saw. "You smell of alcohol, and as much as you have my undivided attention I will have to pass."

"One glass." She looked over her shoulder and watched his face as he continued his path, until he was again in front of her. "Give me a sober up potion."

He lifted his arm and wandlessly summoned a vial from his potions cabinet and handed it to her. As she drank it, he picked up her dress and stood with it in his outstretched hand, knowing she was only a minute from complete embarrassment. Watching her eyes open and hold the vial out to him, he froze.

"Unless you plan on sending me home you can put that back down," she said nervously, nodding to her dress. "I think this is where you kiss me."

"This is your seduction." He smirked at her and flung the dress away. "Or, did you not plan this far?"

"I didn't have time."

"Did you make a list?" He stepped closer and ran his fingers down her arm, lightly stroking her.

She looked over his shoulder and saw the door to his bedchamber standing open. Walking around him, she felt him watching and held her breath, hoping he would follow and not reject her. Then, he literally swept her off her feet, carried her to the bed, and dropped her unceremoniously in its middle.

"Next time you seduce someone I would suggest a little more subtlety, Mrs Snape."

He turned her to face him and pulled off her knickers, taking her shoes with them, and then with a flick of his wand he rid himself of his clothes and joined her on the bed, surprised when she turned her face from him.

"Hermione." He hooked two fingers under her chin and forced her head back to his. Seeing her try to keep her eyes focused anywhere but at his body, he whispered _Nox_, leaving the room in the faded light from the window.

"I … thanks. I didn't bring my wand." She looked up to his eyes, worrying her lip. "You're right, I didn't plan this far. I thought you could take it from here. You know, in case I fell asleep or something."

"Lie back," he chuckled, finding it delightful that she could act shy and joke with him. He lay next to her, rising up on one elbow as his other hand roamed over her body, and lowered between her legs. He heard her gasp as his hand crept between her thighs and he felt her wetness, watching her eyes close and her tongue moistened her lips, he moved over her, pushing her legs apart and kneeling between them. Supporting his weight on hands that he placed on either side of her head, he leaned down and kissed her eyes, her ears, and her then her mouth as he quickly positioned himself, then penetrated her, fast and hard.

Her fingers dug into his shoulders as her teeth broke the skin inside her mouth when she tried not to cry out. _He's too big_, she thought, and squeezed her eyes closed as he pulled out of her only to slide back in, sending a searing burn into her. She fought not to cry out and put her hands on his chest, ready to push him away, then curled her fingers into a fists unable and unwilling to make him stop.

"You should have said something," Severus panted, fighting to hold still, his eyes closed, and pushed in deeper, not able to control his hips from thrusting once more before he was able to still.

"No, don't stop," she whispered to him tearfully. "I … I just need a minute. Please, don't send me back."

"You need more than a minute." He slid out of her and grimaced as he grabbed himself to stop from completing what had started. "Why did you come here? You don't seduce a man your first time out and expect gentleness."

"I told you," she sobbed, pulling the blanket to cover her nakedness. "I've never done this before."

"I thought you meant you had never seduced a wizard, not that you are a virgin," he said angrily. "Are you this lonely you would give yourself like this?"

"Why are you angry at me? I didn't think…"

"That's the problem, you didn't think."

She sat up and started to climb out of bed when he grabbed her and pushed her back down.

"I'll finish this, the way it should be done." He frowned at her. "The way your first time should be, you need to feel what you want, not just what you think _I_ want."

"I do know what I want." She cupped his face and sobbed as she strained to kiss him, trying to pull his mouth to hers.

"No, not yet, but you will," he said huskily as he began to kiss his way down her body, intent on making her physical arousal match his own, pausing to look up to her face. "There are two in this bed, if I wanted to do this alone I would use my hand."

.

.

She opened her eyes and squinted at the sun that poured in the window, pooling on the pillow and warming the blankets. She stretched lazily and grinned, remembering the night before. Closing her eyes, she reached out and pulled his pillow into a hug, and sighed, wanting him to come back to bed and repeat what he had done to her. She smiled and fought the giggle that wanted to erupt thinking how he would scowl if he heard it, then not caring she started to chuckle.

"You're awake," his voice came from the foot of the bed.

She rolled over on her back and crooked her finger at him, wanting to jump up and grab him as he walked up to where she lay and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Kiss me good morning." She grinned.

"To do that, I would need a time turner. It is half past noon."

"Oh?" She smiled widely. "That means it's time for a lay down."

He raised his eyebrow and smirked at her. "I am not sleepy."

"Good, I would hate to waste time sleeping." She giggled again.

"I cannot remember ever soliciting this response, from a witch that spent the night in my bed, before." He quirked an eye at her, then seeing her face cloud knew he had said the wrong thing.

"I'm glad I came."

"Oh you came, twice," he said smoothly, seeing her blush start in her chest and rise up her throat and into her face.

"I didn't mean that." She sat up and pulled the blanket with her as she climbed out of bed, suddenly embarrassed.

"I sent Millie to bring a change of clothes for you."

"Thank you, but I can transfigure my dress."

He hurried to stop her as she left for the loo, the blanket trailing on the floor behind her.

"I know what you meant. I too am glad you came," he said evenly.

"Twice?" She looked up at his face, trying to see if he felt anything about what he'd said or was just joking.

"What did you think would happen this morning, Hermione? Did you think that a seduction ended in tender words and endearments? Or did you not think this far?"

"Nothing more than what has. I wanted you last night, that's all." She swallowed hard, seeing his face had returned to the cold mask he always wore when wanting to hide his feelings.

"Is that what you came here for?" He held on to her arms and studied her face. "Is that all you wanted?"

"Yes," she choked out, seeing the mistake she had made. "I didn't expect anything more from you. You needn't worry that I will turn into a clinging tart or start crying because … because you want me to leave. I had planned to leave last night, but … I must have just fallen asleep."

He pushed her away and looked down at her. Pushing the blanket down to expose her breasts, he ran the back of his hand over her nipples, watching them harden.

"If I didn't know for certain that you were a virgin before last night I would think you a vixen." He pulled the blanket back up to cover her. "Do weddings always affect you like this?"

"No." She tried to smile up at him. "Sometimes I cry, but then I saw Augusta was already doing that and decided not to be like her. This time I wanted to try something new. I thought I would start a new tradition and pay off my debts with sex. It was you that sent the dress after all."

"Now that you have indeed paid off you debt, I will ask you to seduce someone else next time." He locked his eyes on hers. "As much fun as I had fucking you it is inappropriate for you to come into a school full of children to ply your wares. I am sure you understand."

She swallowed hard and turned back to the loo, gathered up the blanket and hurried in, closing the door behind her before bursting into tears. This was not how she had imagined their little tryst ending. She had not imagined it ending at all.

.

.

.

Severus heard the door and knew that she had gone. He crossed to the window, waiting until he saw her leave the castle and run to the gate, where she spun off without looking back. He then returned to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, picked up the pillow she had used and held it under his nose. The night replayed in this mind as he sat inhaling her scent. He didn't like the way he been caught up in her, the way he had only wanted to please her, the way he had clung to her wanting more even after his release, or the way he had laid quietly, relieved and pleased when she had fallen asleep and not left. He had felt her begin to struggle against the blankets as her nightmare took hold, and did not like that she had stilled at the sound of his voice.

He stood and threw he pillow angrily to the floor, bellowing for Millie, and demanded the room be cleaned.


	13. Choices

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breath**

**Chapter 13**

**Choices**

* * *

Severus had watched her leave the grounds from his sitting room window, and now he kept looking toward the gate from his office, aware that he wanted her to return. He grabbed the student enrolment list for the up-coming year, and began to figure out the new class schedules, concentrating on the task, rather than waiting for a witch he knew was gone and that he had no right to expect back. He was being foolish, old and foolish. He knew that in thinking a young witch, even one as lonely as Hermione, could ever consider him as anything more than a way to fill in time or as a romantic protector from some trashy novel he was deluding himself. He knew he was not the young good-looking wizard with a bright future she deserved.

"_I thought I would try something new_," she had said. He stood and walked again to the window and looked out at the gate. _I thought I would try something new. _He had heard the nervousness in her voice, had seen how she fought not to tremble as she stood in front of him, had felt her fear but had taken her to his bed anyway, never imagining it was her first time. Only imagining it was her fear of him and not caring, just wanting her more than he should, and for once not thinking beyond what was in front of him.

She had sat in this very office and in a potion-induced confession had admitted that she was lonely. So lonely that she had gone to the Hogs Head in search of something she had not found and put herself in danger in the process. He saw her sitting on the ground in the alley and … this is foolish he thought to himself. He had to forget last night and how he had clung to her and found the room empty when she had gone.

"Master?" Millie appeared before him with a pop. "Missus Professor, she gives you this."

He took the parchment from Millie and found a short shopping list of things Minerva requested. It had become his habit to visit Diagon daily, to pick up supplies or to run errands, a pretence for taking lunch at the Leaky Cauldron. Now, he looked at the list and foolishly wondered if he would eat alone or if Hermione would still join him as she had for nearly two weeks.

"Tell Professor McGonagall that I am busy today and will be staying in." He handed the list back to the elf and returned to his desk to work on the upcoming year's budget, tossing the schedule to the side. Having made his decision to stay away from her, he returned to work.

He had finished with the salaries, adding the annual increases, and figured the amount to be added to the Gringotts' retirement account when the floo activated and Minerva stepped through.

"I ordered a tray," she said, brushing off her robes. "This old castle is just too quiet in the summer to eat alone."

"I thought you would enjoy a few days of peace before leaving for the holiday." He leaned back in his chair as she transfigured a small table and levitated two chairs to it, then in a flourish added a white tablecloth. "A special occasion, Minerva?"

"I have decided that I have taught long enough." She made a show of sitting down, but avoided his eyes. "I could live happily if I never see another rat turned into a goblet and or give another detention. "

"I believe I have heard this three times before," he said, as he joined her at the table at the same time as Millie carried in the trays of lunch. "Each time you decide to stay just one more term. Or, you see one more Weasley, or one more Potter, that needs your expertise."

"If I were to wait for all the Weasley children to make their way through these halls I would never leave. As soon as one leaves another has a bun in the oven. No, Severus, I will stay until you find a replacement as I am aware there is one more year left on my contract, but I trust if you find your way clear you will release me from it."

"I hear the bakery is in full swing." He raised his eyebrow at her. "Percy's wife shall soon deliver and if that was the eldest I saw with his wife there are already two up and walking. Not to mention you will no doubt have a Potter-Weasley to contend with."

"The twins are flying from what I hear," she smiled. "Their Uncle George will make sure they are both corrupted long before you get them."

"Are you suggesting that we must consider putting stop signs up in the halls?"

"I would be disappointed if he did not spoil them," she sighed. "I have done this long enough, Severus. I cannot look at Ted and not want to cry for his parents, I cannot see another dark haired Goyle or Crabbe without thinking I failed them. I look at the Muggle born and fear for them still. What of Mulciber? He was at one time a friend of yours, yet we did nothing to keep him close. What of you? If I had paid more attention…"

"You did what you could. I was young. A young and arrogant fool. You could not have stopped me, Minerva, no more than I could stop the members of my own house that took the mark."

"Yes I could have. I could have tried. In not seeing what was happening sooner, without stopping you and the rest from…"

"Minerva, please," Severus scowled. "We all would have done things differently. It is pointless to second-guess what we should have done. Now, talk to me of your once again sudden decision to leave us."

"I am growing impatient with lazy students, over indulgent parents and the mountain of paper work. We no longer teach, we instruct. The Ministry has taken all the wonder of it away. The older students are no longer allowed to create their own spells, and you have seen yourself what they did to potions."

"I also see a Ministry that is still fighting amongst itself to find a new direction, Minerva. They are being cautious, overly cautious to be sure. However, in these times it is perhaps not a bad thing. We saw the same thing after the first war was over, or so we thought only this time we may have need of them. "

"I will send in my intentions to the board and have a copy on you desk by morning. It will give you the summer to interview my replacement." She leaned forward in the chair and poured the strong black tea into cups. "However, you are a fool if you do not hire Hermione."

"There is little to nothing we can do to your contract. If you leave now, your retirement will be held back, the board is being quite unbending about this. However, I will do what I can to make next year as light as possible. If you took only the older classes I can have one of the other professors double up and take the first years."

"If I must, but Severus, this is it," she frowned. "Now, back to the topic you want to ignore. Tell me about Hermione."

"She wants a career in research, not tending to lesson plans and uninterested students," he muttered, keeping his eyes off Minerva and feigning interest in the luncheon plate. "She is currently looking into pharmaceutical labs in the Muggle sector. She has mentioned she may be attending the University of London. It would mean a fair bit of falsifying records, but I told her we could do it."

"I would rather her do that than waste her talents selling books at Flourish and Blotts. A witch of her intelligence should not be reduced to working in Diagon." Minerva sighed. "I spoke to Ferguson's Potions on her behalf. They however are looking for experience, at least three years."

"It takes time. After the damage done in Hogsmeade and Diagon is repaired, and the businesses re-open employment will improve in the areas suited to her. "

"I intended to speak to her yesterday at the wedding, but by the time I looked for her she had left," she said brightly, leaning back and levelling him with her glare. "She looked lovely. I am always amazed at your good taste in such things as dresses."

"Minerva…" he said her name in warning.

"Molly had your plate set right next to hers. Only by the time dinner was served she was gone and you never showed up."

"That was no surprise, I sent my regards to the couple and my regrets I was unable to attend."

"If you want your involvement kept quiet, I would suggest not confiding in Mrs. Potter."

"I have had no involvement with her, Minerva," he said coldly. "Nor do I intend to have one. I merely purchased the dress for past services."

"Strange, you did not say you did not want one."

"Since our conversation is over I suggest…"

"Over? Oh no, my dear boy it has just begun," she said, smiling sweetly.

"No." He placed his cup back on the tray and clapped for Millie, waving to the luncheon tray as she arrived. "It is over. Now…"

"I have known you since you could barely walk, and I have never known you to eat at the Leaky Cauldron every day for weeks to keep a certain witch company. I warn you, Severus, do not hurt her. She is …"

"Young? A child?" he laughed. "Minerva, do give me credit for having a brain in my head and do not let your imagination run wild. She was once a student, nothing more."

"Not that young any longer, Severus, and not a child. Strange, I always find those with a parent in the Muggle world more concerned over age than those without. It must be the early upbringing," she mused, "a wizard would know our longevity outweighs such worries. Furthermore, she is perhaps too naïve in certain areas and wears her heart too much on her sleeve. If you remember her reaction to the attack, you will remember it was not the attempted rape that concerned her most, but the loss of your respect. Furthermore, her unwillingness to face the court was voiced as her unwillingness to see your pristine name dragged out again."

"Minerva, she has never expressed an interest in being on the staff, nor do I think she is suited to it. She is much too … energetic. She is working on the problem we had in the forest. We have been discussing her findings."

"Nonsense, ask her. You need young people on the staff. People with energy and the willingness to learn new things, meet new challenges and…you would be foolish not to keep her close."

"Enough, first she is not young, now she is needed on the staff because she is," he said coldly. "If we are done discussing my …life, I must ask you to leave. The budget should be in by the end of the week I would appreciate it if you could see fit to do it for your replacement if you get one. "

"As a first year teacher her pay will be much less than mine. Just think of all the money you will save."

"Good day, Minerva."He folded his arms over his chest and stood silently, glaring at her until she stepped into the floo and threw down the powder. "Meddlesome old fool."

He glanced at the portrait, turned to face the wall and smirked thinking that where one had left off the other had began. Trying to complete the budget he finally threw down his quill and started walking through the castle as had become his habit as of late, making notes on repairs still not done, and maintenance that needed Filch's attention. Needing to turn his back to the window and his memory of her, he left for the other side of the castle.

It had been over a year since he had gone to his old quarters in the dungeons, and even now found himself reluctant to revisit the rooms. At first, he thought it was the memories of dark times and darker nights spent at the Dark Lord's side. Now, as he strode down the familiar hallway and opened the door that still recognized his wards, he realized it was much more. He no longer felt the compulsion to hide, to ward out the world and live in secluded darkness. Minerva had said summers were too quiet, and he agreed for the first time that he could remember.

When he had returned to the castle that first time, and had taken up Albus' old rooms, he had spent many a night walking the halls and trying to find his way. It was hard. Harder than he thought possible to live here with the old man's memory meeting him at every corner while the Carrows terrorised the students and watched his every move. He had seen Albus' brightly flowing robes disappear more than once, and had sworn he could smell sour lemon sweets late at night as he sat dozing in his office. Once, Severus had taken his solace in the old man's presence, he now found it only a constant reminder of the horrors that he, himself was capable of wreaking.

Severus had made changes to the castle, such as the heavy wooden doors from the classrooms that were now made of lighter wood with windows at the top that allowed the classrooms to be seen from the halls. The Carrow's treatment of students still haunted his dreams and he was determined that never again would a lesson be taught in secret. Filch, and his cat, no longer lived on the grounds, but rather in a small cabin close to town. Although, he had never been accused of crimes against the children, Severus did not trust him and could not be persuaded to change his mind.

The Astronomy Tower, he would not repair. Closing the stairs and sealing the door against students and staff alike, he had hoped to erase the memories, but only succeeded in erasing the truth. Finding he preferred the rumours rather than the cold facts of what he had done, he refused to open the tower. He still woke late at night, saw Draco's face and heard Albus' whispered words. He still felt how the ebony wand had fit in his hand and how the magic had flowed so easily forward, flowed at Albus and with the flow of magic he had felt the rendering of his soul.

Now he walked the halls and felt his loneliness descend upon him again. Only this was a loss and an emptiness that he did not recognize. Since he had left his father's house, he had not belonged. Not really, not like others belonged in homes and family gatherings. Never having had been part of, or defined by someone else, he became ill at ease in large groups or small family homes. He always stood to the side, and watched. Never having been part of the whole, he had not missed it, until now.

Walking through the dark unused halls of the castle, he came to the last tower that needed repair. He made notes on its condition, and wondered why it had sat so long ignored. Climbing the steps of a back staircase, he paused to glance out the window and saw the lake and mountain beyond. This was the side of the castle that had sustained the most damage and the side he liked above all the others. From here, he could look out and forget for a while where he was, the work that still waited, and the events of the past. At the top of the stairs, he found a suite of rooms. From the appearance of dusty shelves and scraped floors, it was obvious they had sat unused for years. The number of fireplaces alone was evidence that they had been intended as a personal residence.

He walked slowly through the space with his hands clasped behind his back as he surveyed the rooms and saw how he could outfit them into a home. His mind wandered to Spinner's End and his mother's complaints every time she had to use the outside loo and the lack of a proper bath or shower. He stood still and studied the floor, wondering what else she would have liked.


	14. Safe From Lucius

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 14**

**Safe From Lucius**

* * *

Hermione had given up any hopes of finding a job through the normal avenues and set out to do what she could to earn her own money by writing reviews on new potions. She had contacted and been used by _Mother's Monthly Potion Reviews_ and even had a rare request from the Daily Prophet for articles, like the one she did on the reliability of certain contraception potions, which was well received. When she got her first check, she had laughed and tossed it on the kitchen table, telling Ginny to use it for the weekly grocery bill.

"It's not the money," Ginny frowned. "It's getting your name out there and making that damned Ministry sorry for letting you go."

"Spoken as someone who never has to worry about money again," Hermione snipped.

"That was uncalled for," Ginny pouted. "You know I watch every Knut we spend."

"I'm sorry, Ginny, I didn't mean it like it sounded, but if something doesn't come up soon I'm going to move back to Muggle London and find a flat. I can't keep living here, not contributing more to the expense, and not having a plan for the future. Even the series for the Monthly Potions Review that I did was a laugh. Exposure! I need money not more notoriety for bashing St. Mungo's second-rate Wolfbane potion."

"You can't even afford to keep up your parent's house, now you think you think you can make it on your own?" Ginny frowned. "Give it time. You know you are welcome here."

"I have to do something, Ginny, I'm going crazy. I am getting so desperate I almost tried for a job selling dresses. I don't even have a decent library to do research in, no one will take me on as an apprentice, and I haven't even heard from Sn…from…anyone from the old days."

She turned to the sink, cursing herself for saying to much.

"When was the last time you saw him?" Ginny asked softly.

"I stopped in to thank him for the dress right after the wedding."

"Not since then? That was almost a year ago."

"No. I run into him now and then, but he can't seem to get away from me fast enough. He seems to show up whenever I take a trip up to visit with Neville or Minerva," Hermione admitted, "but he hardly talks to me, just sits there watching. Anyway, I thought I might run into Diagon today. Gringotts had an advert for someone in security. If anyplace would take the Ministry's blacklist as a good thing it would be them."

"Until they remember who broke into the vaults," Harry laughed and threw his robe over the back of the chair.

"I've been thinking about that," she grinned. "I can turn it into a plus. You know, if I could do it, still in school, anyone could do it, and I know the weaknesses. They may see that as an asset."

"That or you could find something in baiting goblins while someone waits in the wings to whack them," Harry laughed.

Hermione turned and levelled him with a look.

"Umm, sorry," he looked at her sheepishly. "You were joking about Gringotts right?"

"No, but you have a point." She sat down heavily. "It would be a waste of time."

"Minerva put in for her retirement and it looks like they are finally taking applications."

"She's done that before. I don't think she could live outside of Hogwarts. She goes through this every year."

"I know, but this time she has put in her letter of intent, all signed and accepted. She did it last year, but they held her to her contract. They will take applications, but she has the final say. As a matter of fact, she can pretty much appoint her own replacement and if the Board can't find valid reason to disapprove them, it's her call."

"If I can make it through the process you mean." She shrugged. "She offered it to me you know. Only at the time, I thought the Ministry would be a better move. Then she decided to stay anyway so it didn't much matter."

"What do you have to lose?" Ginny said excitably.

"Other than my pride, self respect and sanity not a thing other than …" She looked to Ginny, "I don't know if I can do it."

"Of course you can. If he wants to be a git let him."

"Him?" Harry looked between the two.

"Harry, shut up." Ginny frowned at him and turned back to Hermione. "I mean, it's not like he is really anything to you. You saw him, what? Months ago? A year ago? Trust me, if a wizard hasn't bothered to talk to you in that length of time give him up, he's not worth it and he doesn't even care if you're alive."

"There was another incident up there," Harry said. "I hear they wanted to send someone to look into it but Snape sent them packing. Everyone is saying he only used it as an excuse to rake them over the coals for letting you go."

"He wouldn't contact the Ministry,' Hermione mused. "He sent up the spell, but that's all he would do."

"How else would they have heard about it? He is the only one the centaurs talk to, him and Hagrid that is, and I can't see Hagrid strolling into the Ministry," Ginny said.

"No one's talking." He shrugged. "It's hard to get information but it was during term, so any one of the students could have found out."

"Because they know we talk so they aren't going to tell you," Hermione sighed. "I don't understand it. Why so long between attacks, and why the centaurs?"

"It wasn't a centaur this time. Arthur heard it was a unicorn."

"Harry, I need to go out," she rushed to the hallway and grabbed the jumper she used when travelling in the Muggle world. "Owl Snape, tell him to meet me at the Library, he'll know which one. I need help."

"Are you sure?" Ginny asked.

"Harry, if he refuses, tell him I have an idea about the spell, but I can't be sure until I look at the newspapers. If we are going to read every paper over the last year and a half I need help."

"How about a hint?"

"Someone is testing, for what I don't know, Snape will understand. I am sure we are going to find reports of non-magical creatures dying in the same way. If we know what is not working, what all the animals they are testing have in common, maybe we can figure out what they are looking for and stop them. Tell him the first thing is hooves, they are both hoofed animals. It's going to be something like that, something that will stick out with enough test subjects."

"And if it's just some idiot?"

"Then we find him, and _stop_ him." She had her hand on the doorknob when she turned to him. "The Centaurs are not animals Harry. His mother was there and couldn't even touch him. She couldn't even bury her son. Harry, it was awful. I'm hoping that the location will give us a hint as to where he lives. All we know is that he has been to Hogwarts, but if any animals have been found elsewhere it may be helpful."

"Go, I'll send the owl."

Severus found her in the back alcove, furthest from the door, newspapers piled up and spilling off the tables. He stood in the aisle and looked at her before making his presence known. He saw she had tried to tame her hair, and now wore it pulled back, braided and plaited across her head. He saw her eyes stop moving as she sensed him watching, and her head slowly came up as she looked at him.

"Do you believe that idiot said I could only take three at a time? It would take over a week if I did that." She talked to him, dropping her eyes back to the tabletop, suddenly feeling she could not sit here, not with him, and cursing herself for requesting his help at the same time knowing that she needed it.

"It's going to take a week anyway." He frowned as she reached for a paper and pulled it in front of her. "What order, if any, do you have these in?"

"By district. I am checking the most rural first, it seemed logical."

"Have you considered Wales?"

"Yes, those are the first I am checking. If you want to start on the boarder areas, nearest to Scotland first, that would be the logical choice," she answered without looking up.

"Have you also considered that whoever this is may not be confining his work to the United Kingdom?"

"Yes, but for now we have to start someplace. We will never get a true count. Some papers wouldn't be interested it what they may see as … a prank, and there may be undiscovered killings, but we have to look. I narrowed it down to only the rural areas, and then only north of Manchester and northern Wales. That's the distance of an easy Apparation from northern Scotland. It would be faster if these were scanned into computers or on the internet, It would be so much nicer to sit with a laptop. Even the old microfilm would be easier."

"Thank you for reminding me how out of touch I am," he said flatly. "I understood microfilm."

She raised an eyebrow and looked at him with a smirk, seeing his face set in his usual sneer.

"What? I was raised a Muggle. However, it has been a long while since I have relied on their research methods."

"Right, Prince the Muggle," she snorted. "You never lived totally as a Muggle. You just skirted around the edges."

"Miss Granger, if you want me to help I would suggest you keep quiet so I can." He picked up a stack of papers and sat down at the table opposite her.

She picked up the next paper on her stack and began flipping pages, reading each headline on the page, before skipping to the next. She watched him from the corner of her eye, wondering how long she could sit with him here, where conversation was all but impossible. She saw his hand reach out for another paper, watched his thumb touch his tongue and run over the corners of the paper, remembering how his thumb had traced her breasts.

"I'm leaving." She stood up, and gathered her jumper and notebook in her arms. "I'll finish this up myself. It was a bad idea to ask you here. It is best that I left."

"Miss Granger, sit. I am sure we can manage to act like adults." He lowered his head and again began to look for stories concerning any unexplained or mysterious deaths of animals.

He wanted to chuckle as she sat down, keeping her jumper across her lap as if ready to flee at any moment. Over the next two hours, he found himself gazing at her as he reached for each newspaper, and soon he was doing so after each page he turned. Feeling comfortable, he leaned back and propped his legs up on the table, and lifted the papers in front of his face as he read, only lowering it to exchange an old paper for a new one. As he lowered the paper, once again, he snorted to see Hermione in the same position, obviously mimicking him and laughing.

She giggled and peeked out from around the edge of her paper, before lowering it and putting her feet back on the floor. "You look like you're at the breakfast table," she giggled. "Listen, I am knackered. I will take this up again tomorrow. I only found one article about a goat. I put it to the side, but it doesn't sound like what we are looking for."

Severus put his feet on the floor and picked up the paper she had indicated, shaking his head slightly. "I agree, the owner wants to have us believe space aliens are responsible for the goat and … crop circles."

"And?" Hermione raised her eyebrow at him quizzically. "It surprises you that they find it harder to believe in us than in space creatures?"

"Only in the Muggle assessment that magical men are of the devil, but it is their god that populated the universe," he said with a smirk. "My own father believed in every conspiracy theory known, but could never accept that my mother was a _good_ witch."

"But he knew she did magic, he must have known it before they married."

"Yes, but to him she did nothing more than worthless parlour tricks. She could not generate income in his world, she could not predict the winners at the track, nor could she give him the son he wanted."

"What son would that be? One without magic?" Hermione wrinkled her brow and studied his face.

"Yes," he sighed deeply. "Or one that did not want it."

"They are both gone now?"

"Yes, for a long time," he mused.

"Do you ever wish…just for a while… that you could go back, go back home?"

"No, I have felt more at home in Hogwarts than anyplace. At one time I spent the holidays and summers at Spinners End, but have not gone back for a long time now."

"That's a shame," she said softly. "You know, you and Harry are so much alike…"

"Potter?" he spat. "I have been compared to many things, Miss Granger, but never to that … publicity seeking saviour of everything sacred."

"No, I mean…you both came from homes where you really were not wanted, and once at Hogwarts never looked back. His father died when his was a baby, and yours should…I am sorry." She gulped and turned her head.

"Mine should have been?" He sniggered. "Yes, Miss Gran…Hermione, I quite agree."

"I didn't mean it like that, only that sometimes it is better not to have a father at all I would imagine."

"I understand." He felt his lip turning up to a grin watching her trying to get out of what she had just let slip.

"My parents thought I was possessed. They kept dragging me to the priest to be blessed, and when that didn't work, they took me to doctors and had my brain examined. Dad was sure I had a tumour," she laughed. "But once they found out what it really was, they fully accepted it and even supported me."

"Until their lives were at risk," he said dryly.

"Yes." She started to stack up the newspapers in piles to make it easier to return them to the front desk. "I tried to talk them into leaving, to go into hiding before I spelled them, but they wouldn't have any of it."

"Memory charms are oft misunderstood," he said in the voice she equated with his classroom. "It was foolish to try a spell so far above your years."

"Foolish?"

"You must learn never to use a spell for which you have not found, or developed, a counter spell. When using even simple spells, those that have the ability to change perception, memory, anything associated with the senses you must exercise extreme caution in the event..."

"I know what I did," she said angrily, pushing her chair back, scraping the legs on the floor. "Do you think I did it on a whim? Do you think I wasn't prepared for this to happen? They have a good life and they were safe. That's all that matters."

"I am sure that at the time you thought you were being clever. It is from our errors that we learn our hardest lessons. Hermione, what I am saying, is now that you can see what such irresponsible behaviour can cause …"

"Shut up," she hissed. "I didn't have you come to scold me like a child."

"If you were still a child, I would not be having this conversation." He stood and returned her glare surprised to see her face crumble and her turn away from him. "Hermione, I am merely … I am not passing judgement, I am…"

He watched her all but run from the room, and pinched the bridge of his nose, wanting to follow her, but afraid she would once again misconstrue his intention. He put his head back, looking at the ceiling before letting out a long sigh, realizing he had once again expressed himself poorly. Then, throwing up a silencing spell, he Apparated outside of Potter's house where he impatiently waited for her, wishing he did not care so strongly about her reactions.

He almost left after waiting close to an hour, when he saw her leisurely strolling towards him.

"Severus?" She looked at him, then up to the house. "Were you visiting Harry? Did you need something?"

"Why does it take you so bloody long to come home?" He took her arm and dragged her behind the bricked wall across the pavement from the house.

"What business is it of yours?"

"I was … I waited."

"Right, I can see that, what I want to know is why."

"We need to talk." He frowned seeing the disbelief in her face. "I want to talk to you and …"

"It's rather late to be talking outside. The neighbours will call the police if they see someone that looks like you around here. It's not like it used to be when we had the meetings, the neighbourhood has changed since then. We could go inside and…"

"We need to discuss what happened. I would rather not have Potter with his ear to the door."

"You have made it obvious that I was a foolish child, I see no reason to discuss it further."

"I am not referring to the conversation about your parents. However, we do need to discuss that as well. I was referring to what happened the night of Potter's wedding."

"What do you want, Snape? I didn't owl you because I wanted company tonight, I owled you thinking you still had not figured out what was happening in the forest. I wanted to help. Now I am sorry I did."

"You never made an attempt to contact me after your play at seduction," he scowled.

"And you thought so highly of me that you didn't even make an attempt to see me either, or even owl me. I was even stupid enough to go to the Leaky Cauldron and look for you. I am embarrassed enough you don't have to make me feel worse about it."

"Embarrassed? You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I was… pleased." He held her back to the wall, placing his hands on either side of her head, his outer robes spreading out like wings, hiding her completely. "Is it too late?"

She felt trapped, yet strangely safe, she felt anxious, yet strangely excited. Looking up at him her breath hitched as he leaned down and began to kiss her ear, moving down to her neck and putting one of his legs between her own.

"I want you, I have every night since you were with me," he whispered as his hands lowered from the wall and slid down her side, gliding over her hips and back. "You feel the same way, I know you do. I can see it in your face. I can feel it."

She tipped her head up and sought his mouth, sighing and nodding as she stretched to kiss him. Feeling his breath on her skin, and feeling tears fill her eyes she bit back her sobs.

"Yes," she whispered.

"This time it will be different between us. This time I won't let you go."

He inched her skirt up, using both hands on either side of her thighs, until he could finally reach her knickers, which he tore off in one movement. She gasped and snapped her eyes open, not believing he would do this here, only a few short steps from a public pavement, but she was unable to stop pulling his face to hers and kissing him as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

With one hand, he shoved the torn garment into his pocket, his other hand sliding down the back of her thigh, lifting her knee to his waist.

"Put your leg around me," he whispered, as his hand turned to his trousers and struggled to free himself.

"Severus," she breathed as she clutched his shoulders, desperate for the feel of him, excited by the very thought of what they were about to do in such a public place, hidden only by the fabric of his robes.

He bent his knees and came up into her, pushing her up with his force, grasping her arse to rise her higher, to push her up the wall. Her head fell back onto the brick as she breathed out his name again, already needing him deeper, in a way she had not felt before, not able to think past the feel of him and her want.

"Hurry," he whispered, thrusting up again, "put your arms around my neck and wrap your other leg around me, I need to pick you up."

"Well, well," a silky voice crashed into them. "What have we here?"

Severus released her leg as he pulled out of her, letting her skirt fall down to cover her and hastily tucked himself into his trousers as laugher filled the night. He spun to face Lucius, reaching behind him to pull Hermione close to his back.

"What do you want Lucius?" he sneered, still panting from his exertions.

"A little of what you have." The blond wizard laughed. "I am sorry. Had you finished? No? Perhaps your little Muggle friend would like me to take care of her since you have been indisposed?"

Severus already held his wand in the folds of his robes, now he waited to see what would happen. He felt Hermione hide her face against his back, and frantically thought of a way out of this. Not only did he need to get her out unrecognized, but hide the fact that they stood outside Potter's house.

"Tell me Lucius, why have you followed me?"

"My dear old friend, nothing as bad as that. I learned long ago not to waste my time following you. No, I can assure you, a modified tracking spell works much better."

"Why?"

"I am bored. When I saw you were in London I thought perhaps you were up to your old games, which I am happy to see you are."

"I asked you a question." Severus let his wand come into view.

"Let me see your pretty little Muggle, Severus. At least you can give me that."

Severus raised his wand, pointing it at the wizard's chest. "Leave, Lucius."

"I see. Not a Muggle? A Muggle born _witch?_ Another Mudblood? Really Severus, just because the war is over there is no reason to dirty yourself."

Severus wanted nothing better than to blast Lucius, but he knew that in doing so every Auror in Diagon would descend on them and if they or Lucius were not to know who cowered behind him he had to get out of this some other way.

"Just a piece of trim, old friend," he lowered his wand and chuckled. "You surprised me. At least you could have waited until I had finished, now I need a memory charm and have to start the seduction over."

"Is she a virgin? I compliment you Severus. To find such a young one, and such a willing one."

"Not any more," he smirked.

"Why here Severus?"

"The Headmaster of Hogwarts cannot very well frequent places in Knockturn. I happened on her at a pub where I plan on heading back to."

"I know a certain place I can show you. It is in the Alley but pledged to holding secrets."

"Give me five minutes with this one. I need to alter her memory," Severus said lightly. "I'll meet you at the end of Diagon. We can make a night of it, visit the old haunts and see what has changed."

"Well done," Lucius lifted his cane in salute and apparated away.

"Hermione," he spun and pulled her out of the shadows. "I have to leave."

"My gods, I have never been so scared and embarrassed in…"

"I shouldn't have done this," he shook her by the upper arms. "I don't know what I was thinking, obviously I wasn't. I am sorry this has ended so badly."

"When will I see you again?"

"I … I have to leave now." He stepped back from her, afraid if he stood closer, he would lose his resolve. "As I said, I should not have come here. I did not plan this. I planned only to tell you I would continue the research in Glasgow. It is closer to Hogwarts. If you finish the periodicals here I can spend the time on those areas further north."

"What does he want? Severus, answer me… and when will I see you?"

"I cannot tell you." He looked at her closely. "I need to see Lucius and find out what he is planning. Hermione, understand, please, that I did not plan to come here just to take advantage of you."

"I think I know that, but… Severus… what now?"

"Consider it a seduction for now, you seem to prefer the more romantic terms. Perhaps …" His head snapped back when she slapped him hard enough to leave her handprint on his face.

"Go," she hissed at him. "I thought I felt something for you, I thought you felt it too … I must have been mistaken."

"You mistake sex for love my dear." He smirked, rubbing his cheek. "A seduction is free from entanglements, therein lays the attraction, or have you forgotten?"

"That's a mistake I won't make again, be sure of that." She turned on her heel to make the short walk to Potter's front door.

"Hermione," he reached out for her arm, "you need to understand. I didn't plan this but that does not mean that it meant nothing. I need to explain."

"No," she yanked her arm from his, "if all you want from me is sex then you can… if that's what this is, if that's _all_ this is, what I feel, then I can get that anywhere. I don't need you."

"Stop, you know as well as I that is not all this is about. We will talk about this at a later time."

"Talk?"

"Listen to me, I only have a moment. I can come back and we can…"

"No, not tonight, I have to think. I have to… please, not tonight," she snapped.

"Go make a list, one for talking to me and the other for not." He said coldly. "When you decide what you want let me know. However, forgive me, but I did not hear you complaining before Lucius came." He released her arm and watched her walk away, cursing Lucius for choosing tonight to find him. Cursing him for choosing the night, he had finally decided, he no longer wanted to avoid.

Hermione stopped and turned to call to him back, just in time to see him spin out of sight. Thinking she had overreacted, that Lucius was to blame, she had wanted to apologise for her slap. Now she cursed herself and stormed up the steps to the front door. She was stupid, she thought. Stupid to believe after all this time he wanted more than what he had taken, stupid to think that he had wanted to see her. She had owled him. She had asked him to come. She was angry at herself for not realizing what he would have thought she had wanted when she had asked him to come.


	15. The Application

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 15**

**The Application**

* * *

Hermione ran up the steps and yanked the door open soliciting a screech for Mrs. Black who had managed to rock her portrait hard enough to dislodge the covering.

"Shut the fuck up!" Hermione screamed at her. "I'll burn this whole filthy place down if I have to, just to shut you up!"

"Bad time at the library?" Harry laughed as he retrieved the cloth and recovered the picture. He straightened and saw her tear streaked face. Without thinking, he put out his hand and traced her swollen lips.

"Hermione? Did he hurt you? Is that why you are crying?" His face turned hard and cold, Hermione knew he was getting angry.

"No," she spun away from him and walked to the kitchen, opened the cupboard over the sink, and took out the bottle of fire whiskey.

"You look like shite," Harry frowned at her. "You're telling me what happened or I'm going up to Hogwarts to find out myself. If he hurt you I'll …"

"You'll do what Harry? _Threaten _him again? Do it to his _face_ this time? I can do _that_ myself." She answered him coldly. "I woke up. I have been a naïve little school girl and I woke up."

"Hermione?"

"I thought he liked me, I thought … nothing. I thought about nothing." She turned and faced him. "I wanted to see what wasn't there and never _has_ been there. He is and always will be a cold unfeeling bastard that takes what he wants and offers nothing in return. He thinks only of himself. He is a cruel, thoughtless, self-serving, egotistical, pig-headed, slimly git that should have been locked up in Azkaban. I never want to see him again. I must have been crazy, mad and crazy, to think he could see me as anything more than… than… whatever he sees. I don't know what to do, I have never… forget it he isn't worth it."

"You love him," Harry said incredulously.

"Yes," she sat heavily on the chair. "And I hate him. Remember all those times I told you to be nice to him? I was wrong. You now have my permission to call him all the names you want to."

"You don't hate him. You don't get this angry with someone unless you care for them. At least normal people don't," Harry sniggered. "Let me pour that before you drop the bottle, cut yourself, and bleed to death."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence in my ability to survive," she muttered. "I want to get drunk."

She grabbed the bottle back from him, slamming it down too close to the edge of the table, shattering glass and sending whiskey spraying over the floor. She looked at her hand sheepishly and lay down the neck of the bottle.

"Okay, gloat," she sniffed. "I am sick of the way you treat me like a child, you and that wife of yours. I want to hate him you know. I want to be angry with him. Gods, I slapped his face and he didn't even hit me back."

"You hit Snape?" Harry snorted.

"Shut up, Harry. You should have seen his face, now he will never talk to me," she said flatly.

"I thought you just said…"

"Harry?" Ginny ran into the kitchen skidding to a sudden stop and wrinkling her nose at the smell of whiskey. "Are you Okay?"

"I'm fine," Hermione sighed as she used her good hand to heal the cut on the heel of the other. "I don't know why you hover over me all the time."

"Here," Ginny said, beginning to clean up the whiskey and glass. "It will only take a minute. Don't move, either one of you, until I get all the glass up from the floor."

"Hermione, this isn't getting you out of it. You tell me what happened or I'll ask Snape."

"Oh shut up Harry," Ginny said tiredly, "It obvious."

Hermione reddened, as Harry looked between the two. "Not to me," he muttered.

"Snape doesn't want her. What do you think happened?" She walked up behind Hermione and leaned down hugging her. "I'm sorry, Monie, but you knew what he was like. It's not like he ever gave you a reason to think he would be different."

Hermione pushed her away and ran up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut and throwing herself across the bed. She didn't know who to be more angry with, Snape for dragging her against the wall, herself for wanting him to do it so badly, or Ginny for saying aloud what she didn't want to hear. She flicked her hand and muttered nox, plunging the room into darkness, using wandless magic for the first time and not even realizing she had done it.

"Do you think she was shagging him?" Harry asked Ginny, later as he sat on the edge of the bed pulling off his boots. "I mean… Snape? I guess I can see them getting along, but… she said she cares for him."

"Merlin, no, she would have told me." Ginny giggled. "She could never keep something like that to herself."

"I don't know. She seems really upset. Something happened tonight, something more than a trip to the library."

"You know how she is. She blows everything out of proportion lately. He just doesn't see her like she wants him too."

"I wouldn't have believed he bought her a dress for the wedding. That must have meant something." He paused and shook his head. "I am trying real hard here, but part of me wants to throttle her for thinking such a thing… I mean… Snape?"

"I thought so at the time, but he said he just wanted to do it as a thank you token, you know, for the whole Mrs. Snape thing that kept her from getting a job. He didn't even want her to know he sent it to her. Any wizard that wouldn't want a witch to know that, and wouldn't expect even a thank you, must not want her romantically."

"This is Snape we are talking about, Gin. He doesn't play by the rules." He pulled the blanket back and lay on his side, patting the space in front of him, waiting for her to join him.

"I'll floo Mum in the morning. She is dying to play matchmaker for her."

"No," Harry said, as he frowned at her and shook his head. "If she catches wind of it she won't talk to either one of us again. Let her be."

"I can't help but worry about her. She never goes out, she hasn't made any friends but the ones she had at Hogwarts, and even them she has pretty much pushed away."

"She didn't have all that many, Gin. Other than Ronald and me, she never really spent a lot of time with anyone. Even Neville she only sees out of habit. They still see each other on Sundays when he visits his parents and I think the only reason she still talks to Hannah and Lavender is because of us."

"That's not true," Ginny turned to look up at him. "We were always close."

"Only because of Ron, but … bloody hell, I don't know. She just always seems to be looking for more."

"Snape? You think so? More than just a crush?" Ginny grinned as she climbed into bed. "She needs to move on."

"Other than the age thing, yeah, Snape," he mused. "Maybe it is just the tie to Hogwarts she wants."

"We'll see," Ginny said between yawns, then snuggled down on her pillow. "Bet Mum finds her someone."

"Gin? Is she still taking the dreamless sleep?"

"I don't think so." She rolled over on her back and looked up at him. "She tried some Muggle medicine but says it makes her groggy. She's trying that aromatherapy and tea stuff from the emporium again."

"Does she ever talk about it?"

"No," Ginny said softly. "I don't know what it is. I think the Muggle born had a harder time getting over it. You did. But, it's more than just that, she can't even go back to sleep. Sometimes she is up half the night. I can hear her walking up there."

"Yeah, I thought it was getting better, but about a year ago it got worse again. Listen, and don't jump all over me, but… at the end she was close to Ronald. Talk to him, maybe he can figure out what she would still be scared of. She may have mentioned something before they split up."

"I'll ask him tomorrow." She leaned up to kiss his cheek. "Now go to sleep. I have to be at the Burrow early. I told Mum I'd help her bottle Chutney."

.

.

Hermione opened her eyes to the sun coming in over the rooftops she could see from her window. _It must be almost noon_, she thought, as she swung her legs out of bed, looking down at the dress she had fallen asleep in. She walked to the shower puling it off as she went and stuffed it into the wastebasket, knowing she could never wear it again without thinking of how he had bunched it up to her waist as he lifted her leg. She groaned and leaned against the vanity, twisting to see two angry scrapes that were evidence of the brick wall that had held her against his thrusts.

_Fuck_, there was no way she could get her wand in the right position to heal the raw area. Throwing her bra into the wastebasket with the dress, she froze. Her knickers were missing. She ran out to her bedroom and looked under her jumper, hoping she had somehow managed to bring them home. She closed her eyes and remembered he had put them in his pocket. _Damn him_, she thought.

She hurried through her shower, and got dressed, wincing as she pulled up her knickers and jeans. Every step she took rubbed the scrapes. Knowing that by evening she would rub them raw, she shoved her wand in her waistband and headed for the kitchen.

"Harry," she stomped into the kitchen. "Has Ginny left for the Burrow?"

"She should be back by diner." He looked up from his copy of the Daily Prophet. "Something I can do?"

"Yes," she ground out. "So help me Merlin, if you say one word to anyone, Ginny, Neville, Ronald, or anyone… I will hex you into next week."

Harry laid the paper down and watched as she unsnapped her jeans, and lowered them until he could see the scratches running up her arse.

"Umm." Harry reddened and looked from her arse to the floo. "Ginny will be…"

"I don't want Ginny you idiot, that's why I asked where she was. Just heal me."

He pulled out his wand and pointed it at her arse. "I must say Hermione, it is a rather nice view. Better than I thought, you really could wear tighter jeans."

She craned her neck to look back at him. "One more word, Harry … just one more."

He smirked as the completed the healing spell and was satisfied to see the skin repair itself and the redness disappear.

"Smooth as a babies…"

"Shut up, Harry." She pulled her knickers back up, and then her jeans, snapping them closed and readjusting her belt. "Thanks. I fell."

"Then why would you object to my telling anyone?" He grinned.

"I just showed you my arse, what do you think?"

"You could have waited for Ginny."

"No." She turned back to the sink and started to fill the kettle to put on water for tea, feeling like she wanted to cry.

"Neville is dropping by. He's bringing you an application, for Hogwarts."

"It just keeps getting better," she muttered under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing, I can't live at Hogwarts. Maybe I can commute. I decided working there would be fine, but not living there."

"I hate to say it, but you don't have any other options. Unless you want to keep up this whole place by yourself."

She spun and looked at him and saw his grin. "You and Ginny are moving?"

"She wants to be closer to the Burrow when her time comes."

"She's pregnant? Oh Harry, that's wonderful." She flung her arms around his neck and started crying. "I am so happy for you."

"Why do witches cry when they are happy?" Harry chuckled and gave her a squeeze.

"I don't know," she said as she dabbed her eyes. "You explain to me why Quiddich players smack each other on the arse."

"Padding. It's the only place not padded."

"Good try, Harry," she sniffed, bringing her tears under control. "I saw some ads in the Muggle papers I can look into. My education is a waste. I'll wind up in some shop selling toothpaste or something."

"Wait and talk with Neville. He said his last lesson was cancelled today, he should be here by one."

"I don't know if I can do it."

"At least you will have the library and lab for what ever research you think you are hiding in the cellar," he said softly.

"Not now," she said, avoiding his eyes. "Until I know which way it is going I would rather not talk about it."

"I know, but … you have to do something more than hide down there and look for jobs no one is filling right now."

"Harry, don't take this wrong, but … I need to talk to him in private. I know Ginny means to help, but…"

"Enough said." He grinned. "She just wants you to be happy, Hermione."

"I know, and I do love her dearly, but sometimes she … she can be … she can be such a girl."

"For which I am eternally glad," Harry laughed and headed to the floo. "I'll head her off at the Burrow. I know Molly won't mind if she stays for a few hours more. Say hi to Neville for me, and why not invite him and Hannah over this Saturday night?"

"I'll do that, and thanks, Harry."

She sat down on the sofa and leaned to the side rubbing the soreness that still lingered in her bum and then settled in to wait for Neville. When he came she greeted him warmly, surprised to find she had truly missed him. They filled out the application together, double-checking the exact wording on each question, and on the essay areas they used the notes Neville had written down on Minerva's insistence. Hermione rolled her eyes and sniggered at some of the phrases that she used to describe her work habits, but in the end relented and wrote down what Minerva wanted.

"That should do it," she sighed.

"Just sign it," Neville looked up at the clock nervously. "They re-set the deadline for five today."

"Neville," she turned sideways on the sofa to face him. "If, and it's a big if, I get this position, I … how much interaction is there with the Headmaster?"

"Not much." He saw her chew on her lower lip and grinned. "No, really. He doesn't visit the classrooms unless you are having a problem, then you ask him. We don't even have to take meals in the Great Hall anymore, not like the professors did when we went. We take turns, as long as there are at least four at the table it's okay. Snape himself only shows up maybe once a week."

"Some Headmaster," she muttered and turned back to the application.

"He's not that bad. We have a lot of freedom with the lessons, but he runs a tight orperation. The students still give him a clear berth, but… they respect his decisions and believe it or not he is quite fair."

"What about meetings and such?"

"Once a month, unless there is an emergency, and he demands weekly reports on the students' progress. But that is a written report." He looked up at her solemnly. "He was in a foul mood this morning. I haven't seen him like this for a long time. He wanted to let us know that Minerva's position was being filled. I think he wanted to let us know to get the applications in today but couldn't come out and tell us."

"Who else is applying?"

"Malfoy."

"Malfoy?"

"Draco Malfoy, but if rumour can be trusted Lucius wants DADA when it comes up."

"He couldn't possibly think Snape would hand over DADA to him? And since when does Lucius aspire to teach? And since when is he even qualified? Good gods, the world must be coming to an end if Lucius thinks Snape would let that happen. He may be a fool but he isn't stupid."

"No more than I would think Draco was on the short list for charms, yet he seems to be. We think, Snape and I, something is up. If Lucius wants into the castle that badly he is planning something."

Hermione signed the paper waiting for the parchment to glow and disappear. When it did not, she turned to Neville who sat staring at it, also expecting it to file itself automatically.

"Shite." He jumped up and grabbed the parchment, ran into the floo and shouted out, "The Headmaster's Office."

Hermione leaned back in the sofa and grinned. Neville may tower above her, and have at least five stone on her, but he still could remind her of that little boy that had looked to her for the answer when his nerves got too bad to think clearly all those years ago at Hogwarts.

She leaned back and brought her feet up to the sofa, hugging her knees and thinking about teaching. There was a time when she would have liked nothing better than to be part of the staff. Now she could only image herself trying to avoid Severus every day. Yet, if what Neville said was true, and she knew Severus did not want to see her anymore than she wanted to see him, it may work.

She was still sitting in front of the fireplace when the floo activated and Neville stepped back in the room, looking nervous and avoiding her eyes.

"Neville?" she stood up and waited until he brushed his robes and gathered his wits. "I haven't seen you this upset for a long time."

"You need to be there in the morning. The Ministry will make its decision then, but Snape says there's a sure way to get you in."

"What is it?"

"Sort of a last minute idea, he ran it by the staff and they all agree it should work."

"Okay, then if you are so sure about it what is wrong?"

"There's an unknown factor he has to … has to… check out first. Hermione, the staff is going nuts. If Draco gets in, and the rumours about Lucius wanting DADA are true everyone is quitting. I'll go with them. If we all leave the morning after the sorting the students will be sent home."

"Great! That would only throw all the other positions open and … that's what Lucius wants?"

"Snape seems to think so. I tell you Hermione, when he came back last night he was furious. I could hear his curses from the greenhouse. Sprout and Pomfrey both tried to calm him down, they were at it for hours."

"Did he talk about anything else?" She bit her lip and looked at him nervously, afraid that he had brought up her name.

"Hermione, Snape and I … we will never be friends, like the kind of friends we are … but, well we work together, have for a while now and…"

"And you won't break his confidence. I get it Neville, and I think I would be disappointed if you did, but I just wanted to know if he … if he mentioned anything about ... well, about me."

"Listen, something may come up, and you just have to understand it wasn't planned. Not really. You know how sometimes things just happen… and then get away from you?"

"Like what?"

"Nothing other than he has a way of making sure Draco couldn't get Minerva's job, but he didn't explain what it was, not completely anyway, just the basics." Neville looked everywhere but at Hermione. "You have to understand that everyone is hoping you get it."

"Snape?"

"Well," he stammered and reddened. "He says at least you are the devil he knows."

"What a vote of confidence."

"Come on, Hermione." Neville stood up and reached his hand down to her. "Let's go celebrate. The least I can do is buy your dinner."

"Celebrate? I don't know if this is something to celebrate, Neville." She tried to smile. "Anyway, I think I would rather call it an early night and climb into bed. If I am going to be put through a grinder tomorrow I think I need to get ready."

Later after she had showered and sat down at her desk, she pulled down one of her research journals. Sleep would not come easy tonight. Glancing at the clock, she bent her head over the journal and picked up her quill. She had hours yet. Hours to lose herself in computing the proper measurements for the potion she was working on. Hours before her eyes were so heavy she could not keep them open. Hours before she could forget him long enough to stop wanting him with every breath.


	16. When Do I Say Yes?

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 16**

**When Do I Say Yes?**

* * *

She stopped at the Main Gate and looked up at the castle, unsure if she could face him and not wanting to. She thought of moving closer to the Burrow and living with Harry and Ginny after the baby came and knew she could not do that. They deserved their own place, their own family and although she knew she would be welcomed, it would not be a comfortable arrangement for any of them.

She stepped onto the grounds and sighed hearing the wards admit her, and knew her presence had already been registered in the Headmaster's office. The only chance she had of avoiding him was if Severus was not in and did not yet know she was here. Hoping for the best, she walked to the steps, wanting nothing more than to get to Minerva's office before Severus saw her.

"Shite," she muttered as the doors opened and Severus stood to the side, holding them open for her.

"Welcome, Mrs Snape." He nodded stiffly.

"Headmaster," she greeted him professionally, walking past him and politely waiting for him to join her.

"Professor McGonagall is indisposed this morning. Perhaps you will find it suitable to wait in my office for word from the Ministry."

"I would prefer to visit with Professor Longbottom. Is he free?"

"No, this way, please." He started toward the spiral staircase that led to his office.

"I would rather not," she said flatly.

"It is beyond my comprehension why you are carrying on like this," he said evenly.

"Me?" She turned to him. "Should I refresh your memory?"

"You," he hissed, then looked around to make sure they were alone, and pulled her to the side of the hallway. "You didn't seem to mind until we were caught in the act. Don't pretend with me, I told you I would come back to talk, it was you that refused."

"You could have said no to him and stayed if you …"

"Stop it! Lucius wants to take control of Hogwarts. The other night if he had seen who I was with he would have had enough scandal to ruin you in this world, and with you gone there is no one to challenge Draco for Minerva's position."

"You need to cripple that and walk it by slow, because I don't follow how that gets him into Hogwarts."

"Walk with me. We can talk on the way. The owl should be here in a few minutes."

"That's the other thing, why the Ministry? Why not you? I thought if she made her own appointment it bypassed the Ministry and went straight to the Board."

"We thought it better if Minerva appoints her own replacement, that way it did not put me directly up against Lucius, but it has not worked out that way. The problem is that for her to appoint her successor, the Ministry now has to approve it, but it sidesteps the Board instead of vice-versa. An emergency meeting was called this morning and the procedure changed."

"And if they don't?"

"We will discuss that if it happens. In the meantime, you are to sit and shut up, as difficult as that will be. If Lucius happens in, you are to keep quiet, not at word."

"Fine," she wrested her arm away from him and made her own way up the stairs, cursing herself for walking up first, giving him a view of her arse.

She took her robes off and tossed them across a chair then headed for the window.

"You will sit in a chair and not on the sill sunning like a cat."

"Perhaps you would prefer me to sit in the corner."

He flung his right hand toward the far corner, wandlessly sending a chair in the same direction. "Good idea, thank you, Mrs. Snape. I am pleased to see that on occasion you do have a good idea."

She glared at him and stomped to the corner sitting down and folding her arms. Then standing up, she dragged the chair back to his desk.

"Point taken, Headmaster_,_" she muttered. "You have the ability to make me so angry I act like a fool. If I am going to work here we have to stop this and at least act like adults."

"Agreed." He nodded solemnly at her. "If you think you are capable, please do so."

She lifted her chin and stared at him coldly, when the Ministry's barn owl flew in the window he had left open and landed on the arm of her chair. Her shoulders sagged as she read the missive, but she raised her head and tried to smile.

"I shouldn't have placed so much hope in this," she smiled thinly. "I… it seems I am unqualified, a liar that has already falsified one job application and a woman of loose morals. They do well, don't you think? Concise, right to the point, no wasted words, it is very well written. Saves on parchment and removes any doubt that I should stay in this world."

He crossed to her and took the missive from her fist. His face tightened as he read it, then crumbling it he threw it into the fireplace. "Blundering fools. You are the most qualified applicant they could have hoped for. Far too qualified, as a matter of fact, to waste your time here."

"Well, that's that." She avoided looking at him as she took her outer robes and threw them over her shoulders. "I should be running off, I promised Ginny I would go shopping with her later. I think they sell belladonna at the emporium. If it's on sale I will pick up some extra for you, but if it's full price you are on your own."

"Stay."

"I don't want to turn this into a pity party, Severus. No, I think I should go. Give Minerva my best and tell her … tell her congratulations for me on her retirement." She was surprised to feel her eyes fill with tears and feel her hands begin to tremble.

"Hermione, look at me."

She clenched her jaw and allowed herself to look at his face, seeing the same dark look she had seen before when he was angry with her. "It doesn't matter, not really. I never wanted to teach. I wanted to work in research. So, it shouldn't matter to me now."

"Did you only come to my chambers that night to try something new?"

"What?" She reddened and turned away. "I … I wanted to ... no!"

"Why did you come?"

"This is where I tell you and you make a vulgar joke at my expense? I don't think so, I have to leave."

"Tell me, Hermione," he said softly.

"No."

"Why are you leaving now?"

"Because, there is nothing to keep me and I would rather not be here when Minerva's replacement is announced. Let me at least pretend I have some pride left."

He crossed to her, reached out to cup her face and then stepping back, looked at her sternly, clasping his hands behind his back.

"You once said you were lonesome. So lonesome that you just wished _someone_, _anyone_ could see you for yourself and not an extension of Potter. Is that why you came to me?"

"No," she lowered her eyes, unable to meet his glare.

"Was I your attempt to prove yourself, to…lose your virginity with no strings?"

"Stop it," she hissed at him. "You know damned well it wasn't like that. You should know me better than that. If I wanted to prove I could fuck someone I wouldn't have chosen you."

"Then tell me."

"I needed to … someone who … I …" she stammered as the tears began in earnest. "I thought you would… that, you know … we…"

"If you don't know, perhaps I was wrong." He sighed and turned his back on her.

"You make it so bloody hard! You do know that, right? How can I tell you how I feel when I think you will push me away if I do? You bastard!"

He spun around and glared at her. "I think it is time for you to leave."

She nodded and felt her eyes sting with tears. Looking at him, meeting his eyes, she knew that if she walked out she would not come back and he would not come to her.

"Severus?" she asked him evenly. "Why didn't you ever come to see me, or send an owl, after … after I came here and spent the night?"

"After I fucked you? Can't you say it?"

"Bastard," she gasped at the coldness in his voice, and lifted her wand to release the door's wards, unable to complete the pattern she let her arm fall. "I made a mistake, don't worry, I'll not make it again."

"After I showed you what making love should be like? After bringing you so close to the edge and holding you there until you begged me to let you slip over the side?" His voice was at her ear, his arms reaching around her waist.

"I … I didn't beg," she hiccupped through her sobs.

"No? I would have sworn it was you in my bed. You came to me so scared your knees were shaking. You let me taste the blood in your mouth when you bit through your lip rather than tell me it was your first time, rather than asking me to go slow, to wait until you were ready. I hurt you. Why didn't you tell me?"

"You would have sent me away. You wouldn't have let me stay if you had known."

"Yes, but it would not have lessened your offer. Why did you come to me?"

"Because I … "

"Tell me, we need to either finish this or decide what to do."

"Decide?" She struggled in his arms until she was facing him.

"Tell me."

"I love you," she whispered.

"I am nineteen years older than you, a reformed Death Eater, a twice arrested suspected felon, the bat of the dungeon and the least liked Headmaster Hogwarts has ever had, and you love me."

"I must have misread the instructions," she whispered nervously.

"Instructions?" he asked, confused. "Explain."

"The rules that are printed on the back of my birth certificate. The instructions I was born with, telling me who I can fall in love with and why. I used to hate you. Does that make it easier for you?"

"Hermione, please."

"Why do you do this?" Her tears started again. "You asked me a question and I answered it. Now you tell me I am wrong. If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question. You have already made it clear you don't want me so just let it go."

"I need to make sure before I pick you up and carry you to my bed again. I may have to tell Minerva I missed her party because I was fucking her replacement."

"I don't believe you said that." She gaped at him. "You must plan on shagging Draco, because surely you don't think I am going anywhere near you after the other night, and he does appear to the one that's going to be working here. I hope you two are happy together."

"No, my wife can work without Ministry approval."

"So, you are making it a job offer?" She wrinkled her brow and peered at him.

"Indirectly."

"And directly?"

"Hermione, I have no experience in these things. How am I supposed to ask you?"

"Not like this you idiot! At least make it sound … personal."

"Fine. I am personally asking you if you want to work here as my wife."

"That's impressive."

"It is as good as it is going to get."

"When do I get to say yes?" she swiped at her tears. "Or is it printed on the bottom of my work contract?"

"When you believe this is for more than a job I will take your answer," he said flatly.

"I want a ring. Do you have one?"

"No," he said with a smirk and pulled her knickers out of his pocket. "But I have these…"

She was out the door and running before he could finish. He chuckled and slowly walked after her, having told the gargoyle not to allow her to leave, he knew she would be at the bottom of the stairs fuming.

"You do know you could have done that the first time. There are no wards on my office door." He leisurely strolled down the stairs.

"I need to go home," she sniffed, not looking at him.

"Hermione, I do not expect you to answer me at once, but I do expect you to consider what I have said. If you have any questions you should feel free to ask."

"You think?" she said turning to him. "You didn't even say how you felt about me."

"Come back upstairs and we can discuss it."

"If I say no what happens? Does Draco…"

"You need to consider this with no thought to Draco, Lucius or Hogwarts. I want you to decide this on it own merits."

"What merits? Every time we talk we fight, if we are not fighting we are … we're in bed or worse, you are taking me against a wall and fucking me in a public place. Severus, I am sorry. I truly am, but if you are serious about this, you have to do better than making it a job offer. I could get a job any place if I open my legs for the boss!"

He looked over her shoulder, beyond the lowered wings of the gargoyle that blocked her path, and sniggered. "You'll want to walk up to my office, Hermione."

"Someone is standing behind me and just heard everything I said," she swallowed hard and turned bright red.

"Correct." He crossed his arms and stepped aside to let her pass, nodding to Minerva who stood with her arm on Neville's elbow, and followed her back up.

"You could have told me."

"They don't matter," he raked his hands through his hair. "I want you to think…"

"_They_? They who?"

"Stop. Now sit and talk to me."

She sat down, but had just leaned back, when she stood up again and began to pace. "Okay, we can make a list."

He laid parchment and quill out in front of her chair and stood back, folding his arms across his chest, feeling his lip twitch.

"Okay," she drew a line from top to bottom down the middle of the page, writing _Pro_ on one side and _Con _on the other.

She chewed the end of he quill and looked up at him. "I'll do the con first and get it out of the way."

"Do you need more parchment?" he intoned.

She glared at him and started to write. He waited for what he thought was an acceptable amount of time, opened his mouth to speak, and snapped his jaw shut as she flipped the parchment over and continued to write.

"That's quite enough." He yanked the paper from her with a sneer and looked at the list, only to lay it back down somewhat meekly. "Carry on."

She slowed at the bottom of the second page and turned it over to the front again.

"Now the pros." She chewed the quill and studied the page while Severus looked at the clock and pinched the bridge of his nose. "It isn't going to work this way."

He locked his eyes on hers and pulled the quill from her hand, turned the page to face him and wrote in the hand she recognized from the angry slashes he would scribble on her potions essays. She turned the parchment to her, and read the only thing listed. _Because he loves you._ She looked up at him and bit her lip, then grabbed the quill back and added a second line, reddening as she did. She quickly folded the parchment and crammed it in her pocket.

"Severus?" She stood and walked over to him, looking up earnestly to try to read his face. "I do love you, but is that enough for you?"

"I expect little…"

"Then it won't work and I have to say no," she said in a nervous rush. "If you …"

"Let me finish. I expect little, as I said, but I need to tell you what I will demand."

"Fair enough."

He stepped close to her and lifted her chin. "I demand old fashioned fidelity. I demand that you live with me, in my chambers, as my wife, not a marriage of convenience that is so popular among some. I demand that you come to me with your problems, and allow me into you life as I demand you to be in mine."

"What do you want? Above that, what do you hope for?"

"Some measure of peace."

"That's it?"

He smirked at her. "In my lifetime I can count the times on one hand I have felt at peace. Yes, it is enough. I will warn you that I have no idea how this works. I have never lived in a home that I considered anything but a place to avoid, and have spent most of my life here. What do you demand, Hermione?"

"I think if you…"

"No, not what you think… tell me what you demand."

"First, you have to trust me. You have to talk to me, but sometimes I … I need to have you wait until I can sort things out. You want answers too quickly. Like today. You could have asked me this a week ago, bloody hell, a month, six months ago. Now it's all mixed up with work and Draco, and I need to know it's about me."

"Speaking of which, I need your answer before the Ministry reaches my office and they just crossed the wards."

"Arse."

"Hermione?" he asked softly.

"Fine, yes."

He smirked and leaned down and kissed her lightly as she rose up on her tiptoes to reach his neck, meeting his kiss with a smile. "I do love you, you know that, right? I'm not some foolish…"

"If I thought you were I would not want you." He put his forehead on hers. "For this once I want to be selfish. I want to have you with me just because I want you. For no other reason than that. To please no one but ourselves. Is that enough for you?"

"Yes. Do you want to set a date before term or…" she started.

"No, no need to go through all that."

"I, umm…"

"Hermione, do you remember Dobbins?" He walked over to the tea service that sat out waiting for him and began to pour two cups of the hot bitter blend.

"That sleaze ball you call a solicitor?"

"Remember when he told you he could not get a divorce for us? And that we did not qualify for an annulment?"

"Yes."

"He was correct."

"About what?" she frowned.

"We cannot get a divorce, or an annulment."

"But, we did."

He quirked and eyebrow and looked at her, a smile playing with his lip.

They heard footfalls hurrying up the steps. Severus turned to greet Kingsley as Hermione sat down heavily.

"She looks ill," Kingsley said as he shook Severus' hand and slapped him on the shoulder.

"She will be fine, she just needs a moment. She accepted my … proposal." He led Kingsley to his desk, casting glances at Hermione where she sat staring straight ahead.

"I take it you told her." Kingsley chuckled, his low baritone laugh filling the room. "She is going to kill you my friend."

"I think she may want a real ceremony," Severus stole another look at her, this time seeing her eyes meet his. "Or maybe not."

"She is a bright witch, she should have known. You played this one well." Kingsley again began to chuckle. "She should have known when the Ministry let her go for falsifying her application."

"I hate to rush you old man, but I'm sure you understand." Severus waved Kingsley to the door, keeping his eyes on Hermione.

"Yes, yes quite. I shall tell Mr. Malfoy that your wife is again in residence and will be covering the lessons on your behalf. That should close the issue nicely."

Severus shut the door behind Kingsley as the first object hit the wall by his head.


	17. A Cup of Tea

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 17**

**A Cup of Tea**

* * *

Hermione opened her eyes groggily, feeling a body pressing against her back.

"Shhh, I gave you a potion. You seemed distraught." Severus reached over and pushed her hair from her face.

"You think?" she groaned as the previous revelation flooded back to her.

"Before you say anything I want you to listen. It made sense at the time. Hermione, I planned to be found guilty and be dead by nightfall. Then, when the verdict came in my favour, I did not think it through completely. I thought I could give you a life that Augusta Longbottom had taken away from you so I did what I did without considering the outcome. I hoped that I could petition and be granted a divorce before you found out that it was not real, in a day or two, or at least before you found someone you wanted to marry who I thought would be Weasley. Then, in the meantime this happened."

She rolled over onto her back and looked at his face. "So when I came here that night, we were legally married?"

"Yes, but Hermione, you must understand that in no way influenced me that night."

She sat up and frowned at him. "Then, if we were never divorced you've been cheating on me."

"I wouldn't say that," he sniggered.

"No, I don't suspect you would. How about the marriage … now I get it … the marriage counsellor. Shite, I was stupid. It was because you petitioned for a divorce. And… the whole charade about my lying on my applications…my job at the Ministry… "

"You were not stupid, just not aware of the laws pertaining to marriage and I took advantage of that ignorance."

"You seduced her. That cow, Miss Pigeon. Did it work? Did you bed her? Did you like it with her better than with me? I wanted you to seduce me but you never did, and no I don't consider a brick wall in London a shining example of … you cheated."

"Hermione?" He sat up and looked at her oddly. "It's not like we were _really_ married at the time."

"But you just said we were."

"Don't do this."

"Did you take her to bed? Did you like it? It's a fair question."

"I will not have this conversation," he muttered.

"Oh yes you will Severus Snape. You need to explain to me what happened," she choked on the words. "You cheated on me! You did it right in front of me! Even before you made love to me."

"You didn't seem to mind at the time. If I remember correctly you even left the room after telling her to console me. Bloody hell woman, you encouraged it." He climbed out of bed and looked down on her, shaking his head. "When the potion wears off come and see me. Until then I suggest you not talk. Anything you say now you may regret."

She lay back down and curled up in a ball, flaying her arm at him, as if to swat him away. Severus waited until she lay still, then he leaned over the bed, resting one hand on the mattress, and lifted the hair from her face to make sure she had really fallen asleep that quickly. He frowned, and made a mental note to have Poppy mark her file so she would not be given anymore calming potions and to check her for side affects when she woke.

She slept all that day, and through the night, not waking until early the following morning, causing Severus to call Poppy in concern, and have the mediwitch look in on her. Upon finally waking, she stretched and arched her back, feeling better than she had in ages. Then, events crashed down on her as her eyes flew open and she sat up, looking around frantically as she recognised his room. She heard his chuckle and turned to see him sitting next to the bed.

"Before you start again I need you to listen to what I have to say."

"Start in again? So I threw a few things, you had it coming."

"I would ask why you didn't throw the pensive you tried to repair once already, but I can see this is not the time."

"Shut up, Snape."

"You do not remember waking up earlier?"

She shook her head, pulling up the blanket to clutch in front of her.

"First you are fully dressed," he quipped, seeing her nervous reaction to him. "Second. You will have a wedding. So pick a date and do whatever it is witches do. I was hasty. If you need to have the trappings, you will have them. I have also set up chambers for your use until such time as you feel comfortable in here."

"I need to … think."

"Do you still want this?" He looked at her darkly, waiting for her refusal. "Hermione?"

"This? Severus, please. I … leave me alone. Let me shower and dress. Let me get this damned fog out of my head then I can think about whatever you are prattling about. I have a headache, I can't think right now, please."

He tipped her chin up and peered into her eyes. "Are you still feeling the potion?"

"Potion? Yes, I think so, everything is fuzzy, even my tongue, and … I don't think I have eaten…my stomach is... I'll shower, you have a tray sent up and then we can talk." She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up too quickly.

Reaching for him, she saw him through a red mist of blazing pain that shot behind her eyes. A hazy darkness hovered around her vision, as heaviness dragged on her shoulders, making it difficult to raise her arms. She felt his arms go under hers, catching her elbows, as she fought to stand, stumbling as her knees gave out. She saw him mouth her name but no sound reached her ears. Her heart began to pound, thundering in her head, as her chest tried to explode. She tried again to reach her right hand to his face as her left instinctively clutched her robes, fisting them between her breasts to put pressure on her chest in an attempt to ease the pain and keep her heart from jumping out of her skin.

He lowered her to the floor, trying to hear what she said, then picked her up and ran into the floo, calling out for the infirmary and bellowing for Poppy as he arrived.

"Now Severus, I do not …" Madam Pomfrey saw whom he carried and the look on his face, and began casting diagnostics before he had even reached a bed.

"I could not make out what she said. She tried to talk then just collapsed."

"Exactly what happened?"

He stood back to give Poppy room. "She slept since you left her, then this morning woke with her speech slurred, her eyes unfocused. She seemed, confused. When she tried to stand she collapsed. She was in pain. It was not as if she swooned, but… she was unable to communicate, and indicated a pain in her chest."

"Did she take anything else?" Poppy stopped tending Hermione long enough to watch Severus' reaction. "The reason I ask is because the potion I sent was already diluted to half dose. I ask again, is that all she took?"

"I have been with her, I would have seen if she took anything more. No, she has been sleeping since you left her." He wrinkled his brow in thought. "She seems highly sensitive to a calming potion, but she has taken it before without any of these reactions."

"Severus, on my desk, my extra wand. Now quickly, and no Accio in here, not while I am using healing magic, you know my rules."

She watched him leave then returned to casting diagnostics, finding nothing she began running trace tests. Finishing, she stood up and put her hands on her hips. When Severus handed her the wand she had requested she shook her head.

"No, I don't need it. I just needed you out of the way." She leaned down and pried open Hermione's eyes for a final look. "She's on something. I would guess the hallucinations she is having would account for the fear she had when she woke."

"I saw no evidence of hallucinations."

"Yes you did. The first time you thought she woke, she was having one. It's called a _Hypnagogia Hallucination. _You happened to be there and she interacted with you, but she was not fully awake, or asleep." She looked up at him curiously. "Did she express any fear?"

"No."

"Did she seem, out of touch, not based in the present?"

"Poppy," Severus leaned back and looked down at her, "you do know who we speak of. I am often at loss following her reasoning skills."

"I was told of your little confrontation on the stairs with your … intended… oh stop, I don't have time for you excuses now… Severus, if I am correct, that she has been taking drugs, any hint of paranoia would only be enhanced."

"She would not do that, Poppy. She does not have…"

"Idiot. That's what you are, an idiot." She walked away from the bed, indicating that he follow her. "It is possible it is something a healer gave her, or a Muggle doctor. It is possible but not probable that she thinks she can self medicate. Has she been depressed recently?"

"How would I know?" he glared at her. "Perhaps Mrs. Potter could better answer your questions."

"Has she been acting … out of character? Sullen, perhaps… dull, uninterested in her surroundings? Perhaps the complete opposite, giddy, uncontrollable, does she … laugh at things she never found amusing before?"

He looked back at the bed and thought of the night before last, her passion and need for him. He felt unsure, an emotion he was not completely comfortable with, and a feeling of sudden loss thinking that is was possible she did not care for him, that it was only whatever drug was running through her veins.

"I take your silence as a yes." Poppy said quietly. "I'm sorry if this changes what I heard was to be true marriage in Hogwarts, but we have to make sure."

"Of course, we are both well aware the only way such a young witch, or any witch, would consent to wed me would be a tricked union by Longbottom's Grandmother or a suspicious poisoning."

"I didn't say that," she frowned. "But it would be wrong not to consider it a possibility. The other possibility is that she is not aware of the drug. That she is taking it unaware. I think from seeing the tracing spell that is what we are looking at. Unless of course, you are to believe that she has friends other than those we know of that would do this to her."

"She consumed nothing before the episode."

"You are an idiot, I quite agree with Minerva on that." She stood back and cast a magical trace spell that showed any potion or ingredient that still held her, and where it came from. In the shimmering light that hovered over her body, they saw a dark leafy substance.

"Throw out all the stores. Every vial in this infirmary." Poppy turned to Severus. "My stores may be contaminated and I will not run the risk that they have been tampered with. We will have to think of a password to access the potion cabinet so this won't happen again. I will spell all her personal potions with it, and without it, you will not be able to open the cabinet or her vials. We do not know if she had taken it prior to her arrival or if it was in the potion I sent, and until we know I will take not chances."

"How is …" He turned back to look at Hermione. "I quite agree, we will restock the stores."

"She's fine. She will sleep for a few hours yet. Just be glad you showed restraint and didn't cram the whole vial down her, we would not be worrying about her future well being right now."

"There has to be more triggering this than a potion."

"That's what doesn't make sense. It was a calming draught, a weak one, and you said you only gave her half of my already diluted potion. Her reaction is stronger than I have ever seen. When we find what she has been ingesting I am sure it will prove to be something not intended to be taken with a calming draught. Just in case, test the vial I sent and see if it has been tampered with. I do not know, Severus. I just don't know yet."

"There is more, Poppy," he said slowly, as if thinking aloud. "We have known her most of her life, and we will both agree that she is somewhat … excitable … jumps to a conclusion before hearing all the facts and then spends hours backing it up with research to prove her point. I have never known her to let her emotions run away from her, she is not one of those silly witches that let their hormones dictate their lives, yet she was … high strung when she woke the first time."

"It is normal. She just found out you lied to her, add that to the fact that she obviously loves you … or thought she did. Oh, Severus, I cannot think all her reactions have been due to the drugs. Not Hermione, it is just so unlike her. Did you not sneak out of here daily to meet her at the Cauldron, thinking no one knew? Yes? Give her time to get this out of her system and see what develops."

"It's not important," he said stiffly. "I need to visit Potter. If she wakes, tell her where I have gone. If she is upset over it, I need to know. It may be an indication that she does not want me to find something. I would rather find she has taken this, whatever it is, before coming here. I don't want to think we have this going on in Hogwarts or that our security has been breached."

Severus flooed to Potter's London house, and laid out his fears that Hermione had been taking something that had lowered her resistance to stressful situations and put her in risk of certain potions. They searched her medicine cupboard and other than a bottle of Muggle aspirin, that Snape promptly dropped into the wastebasket they found nothing. Severus dumped her dresser drawers on the bed and pawed through her belongings, then quickly headed for the kitchen.

"Listen here," Harry followed him down the stairs, running to keep up. "She hasn't taken anything. I would know if she did."

"Tell me Potter, do you sleep with her?" Harry looked at him incredulously. "I'll take that as a no. Then you admit you do not watch her twenty-four hours a day. Since this is not the first time she seems to have taken something we need to look."

"The last time I put calming potion in her tea," Harry admitted. "I told you that once already, but never anything else."

"I am beginning to think that she was taking her own potion, Potter. We must find it."

He pulled open drawers and glanced at the cutlery, seeing nothing else in the drawer that did not belong, he slammed it shut and kept moving around the kitchen. Throwing open the cupboards he pulled out his wand and started looking for traces of magical spells and checking the ingredients in each and every container. Harry sighed, and walked to the sitting room, picked up his wand and began to help. Almost an hour later Harry stopped and called to Snape.

"The bloody tea. It's Hermione's favourite."

"Who else drinks this?"

"Just Hermione. I have my own and Ginny can't keep it down." He grinned. "She's pregnant."

"Collect your wife Potter. Take her to St. Mungo's," he said as he put a measure of the tea in a vial. "They can test if she has consumed any prior to the morning sickness."

"If she has?" Harry felt his breath leave his lungs as he thought of what to tell Ginny.

Snape looked at him steadily. "I do not know. It is quite possible that it is nothing. Many drugs are gone in a few hours, others can be retained and in turn hurt a foetus. It needs to be tested."

Harry nodded and headed to the floo, when Severus called after him. "Bring her to me if she has consumed it. We will find something, and Potter, tell her there is no harm to the child."

"Are you sure?" Harry looked at him sternly.

"No. However, we do not want to worry her until it is fully identified. I do not want a hysterical witch to deal with and I assume neither do you. You will tell her she and the child are safe."

From the Potter's house Severus travelled to the Ministry to find Kingsley, not surprised to discover he was in Italy, on a mission for the French Ministry, had been all week and had no plans on returning of soon. He sent an owl to arrange a set time for a floo call and with nothing else to do, he returned to Hogwarts.

He was sitting at Hermione's bedside, waiting for her to wake when Minerva came in and crooked her finger at him, calling him away from the bed.

"Severus." She stood stiffly and pursed her lips tightly together. "Draco Malfoy is requesting an audience."

"He is here?"

"Yes," she whispered, taking his arm and leading him further away from the bed. "He seems quite beside himself. He insists he and his father have parted ways."

"It would not surprise me. However the timing does seem most opportune." Severus looked back at Hermione. "Take him to my office, but do not leave him alone. Minerva, have Millie come and sit with her. If anyone attempts to come near her I want to know at once."

"Millie? Is that why she is demanding passwords? To take care of Hermione?"

"Yes," he said, sounding exasperated. "I don't think she understands the concept however."

"Whatever gave you that idea? Could it be that to her the _magic _word is _please_, and we should all use the same one because Hermione likes it?"

Severus pinched his nose and nodded. "Does it ever get better?"

"That must be a rhetorical question." She turned on her heel and left. "The only positive is that Lucius Malfoy has never used the word in his life."

Before going to see Draco, he found Poppy sitting in her office, surrounded by parchment and several medical books. He sat opposite her and picked up the books, reading the bindings and raising his eyebrow when he saw that they were all concerning herbology.

"I can't figure out why someone would give her concentrated Khat. It is known to cause pronounced paranoia, depression, hallucinations, and a host of other things. " She looked up from the parchment. "Has she been talkative, or have you noticed if she appears…"

"Drugged? When she woke, her pupils were dilated. Furthermore, how could I possible tell if Miss Granger was more talkative? She is seldom quiet when not drugged. Unless you have something else to go on I would discount that as a symptom."

"This is Khat, I really have no doubt about it, the sample in the tea was a perfect match, but the chemical characteristics have been altered. It is the paranoia that's been heightened. I don't understand. Why?"

"Hence the over reaction to normal potions," Severus leaned back and stared at the parchments on her desk. "If whomever did this had access to her, he could have just as easily killed her, or the Potters. Why go through this just to have her die taking a calming draught?"

"I don't know. Could it be to cast aspersions on Hogwarts' medical facilities? Cast suspicions on me? Show that you cannot run a proper infirmary that cares for the children? Weaken your position at the Ministry? What I do know is … and Severus, you understand this is not a personal slight… any major decisions she has made must be re-examined. In her state of mind she would have been unable to think clearly."

"I have not seen an untoward amount of paranoia in her thinking."

"You wouldn't," Poppy muttered. "She is still Hermione, that doesn't change. She would still consider all her options, still make lists, and weigh each outcome, but she would make her decisions irrationally, interpret data wrongly. No, she needs to get this out of her system. Until that time I warn you, go slow."

He stood up and was almost out of the door when she spoke again. "I am so sorry, Severus. Give her time. She may come back to you yet. Give her a couple of days to make sure. Just a couple of days. That is why it was put in her tea, it builds in her system, yes, but without periodic doses will soon be gone."

"How long has she been ingesting it?"

"I have no way of knowing for sure, but if I had to hazard a guess I would say months."

"Poppy, Mrs. Potter may have been exposed as well. She is pregnant. Please, contact St. Mungo's with your findings."

"Ginny should be fine. It should be out of her system. St. Mungo's flooed already and they will keep an eye on her just in case, but she seems right as rain, as is her pregnancy."

"At least Hermione will not have Mrs. Potter's illness to blame herself for," Severus sighed and returned to Hermione's bedside needing to see her one more time before talking to Draco.

He found Millie sitting in the chair, sniffing down tears and wiping her eyes on a Hogwarts pillowcase she was wearing.

"Millie," Severus said quietly. "If you knew anything at all about this witch you would know she would prefer to see proper clothes on you."

"No, Master, please," Millie wailed anew. "I am House of Snape."

"If I promise you nothing will change, that you can remain in the employ of the House of Snape, will you accept clothes?"

"No," Millie shook her head emphatically.

Severus sighed and squatted down next to the chair. "Millie, this witch will also be of the House of Snape. It would make her … happy."

"Babies?" Millie cut to the point quickly. "I will wear clothes for babies."

Severus stood and looked at Hermione with a smirk. "I think you ask for too much."

He turned and left the infirmary, wondering what Draco would demand.


	18. Draco’s Visit

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 18**

**Draco's Visit**

* * *

"Mr. Malfoy." Severus glared at Draco as he swept into the room.

"Mr. Malfoy? Has it been that long that you no longer call me Draco, Godfather?"

"You may refer to me as Headmaster." He sat angrily behind the desk. "Now be quick about it, it is proving to be a long day."

"I wanted to say first of all congratulations on your wife's return, and to say no hard feelings. I quite understand why you did not want me here."

"If that is all, I will bid you good-day."

"I know what my father wanted, but I need to tell you that I do not, nor have I ever, agreed with him." Draco looked at Severus levelly. "I have no need to work, my trust fund is enough to see me and any children I have through without ever touching the principle. I had only hoped to do something with my life. I need to get away from him and unfortunately thought this was a quick way out."

"You expect me to believe you?" Severus leaned back and studied Draco's face. "Since the end of the conflict I have stopped believing in your resistance to the dark arts. I have heard and seen too much to believe you now."

"No, I expected you to give me a chance to prove it, Uncle." Draco slipped back into his childhood name for his godfather.

"It is not a good day." Severus' eyes bored into Draco's. "If you have come to grovel, or try to coerce me into offering you a position, you need to leave."

"You have lost your finesse I see," Draco leaned back, draped his leg over the arm of the chair and chuckled. "Getting straight to the point is most unlike you. However, from what I hear, it is quite necessary at this time. How is your dear wife? Recovering?"

"How do you know of her illness?"

"Illness? That is polite," he sniggered. "She was inquiring in a local shop about a tea that would … be soothing, allowing her to sleep more easily. I have heard that she is quite adept at mixing herbs with teas. This concoction, however, was suggested by my dear father, who having overheard her in the shop, approached the shop girl, a close friend of his, with the … recipe … after that it was easy. He of course supplied the ingredients."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"I just heard." Draco removed his leg that from the arm of the chair and sat up, leaning forward and talking earnestly. "Father is bragging about her condition. You should be thankful she did not ingest more of it."

"Tell me Draco," Severus purred, "What do you know of certain … creatures … that have met with untimely deaths not only at Hogwarts but in the Muggle world?"

"I have heard nothing directly." He leaned back arrogantly. "Tell me, I am interested in rumours. Are the hides merely … cured … or is the animal distorted?"

"Distorted. Grotesquely so."

"Grotesquely, as an animal skin on a man, or as man's skin on an animal?"

Severus leaned back and looked at Draco, seeing instead the centaur that had lain in the forest. "Tell me what you know or I will make things very uncomfortable for you."

"Rumours." Draco stood and walked to the door. "I will bring you more information if I find out anything. I only know that Father has hired research done on ancient transformation spells. Spells considered dark, and before you ask, yes, that is all I know and no, I do not know who is doing the research."

"Draco," Severus called to him before he could leave. "Put your trust in Kingsley. If you seriously want to free yourself, you will need to do so through him. I refuse to do what Dumbledore did to me. If you need redemption it is nothing I will offer but something Kingsley may work out for you."

Draco locked his eyes on his godfather and silently nodded before turning and slowly making his way downstairs. Severus leaned back in the chair, listening to his godson's footfalls growing ever distant and wished he could call him back and give him some type of hope, knowing as the thought came to him that Draco had to find his own way, as he had found his.

His mind flew back to the time he had walked into this very office, seeking a way out of what he had once so willingly embraced. Grasping at the slim hope offered by the then Headmaster, he had clutched at it, and thought he could survive. He stood up and walked to the window, watching Draco as he walked to the Apparation point at the gate, wondering how different it would have been if he had chosen another person to place his life with.

Trailing his fingers along his throat, he sighed and thought of the irony of being in a similar position to the one that Dumbledore had been in, and wondered if his choice now with Draco would have been different if the Dark Lord was still a threat. Even then, Dumbledore had seemed to know that Riddle would be defeated only to return, that Lily would not be saved, that it would continue. He frowned and looked back to see Draco turn into his flight of Apparation and froze. _So like his father_, he thought.

So like his father, even in the slight tip of the chin and the way he looked down as he apparated instead of up to see the landing clearly. So like a Death Eater ready to kneel on the ground.

"Fuck," he said aloud and set off to the infirmary at a run, casting wards and taking his floo off the open network as he went, not knowing if what he saw was how the father had taught the son or more, and not wanting to take any chances.

"Madam Pomfrey," he called the mediwitch away from the students she was examining and waited until she was in front of him before throwing up silencing spells. "What are they here for?"

"If you ask me they want to get out of their potions exam. If you ask them they are both cramping, they claim it is their _time of the month_."

"I see," he smirked, looking up at them. "Tell them to wait, that the Headmaster wants to discuss their current medical condition for a new potion I am working on. They will have a miraculous and speedy recovery."

"Severus you are devious," she grinned and looked back at the girls. "They are both Muggle born so have no idea that this is not something that bothers witches. I think I will wait until next month to inform them, let them stew a bit. Now, you are not here to talk about teenage girls."

"I need Hermione moved."

"Why?"

"Just do it. Use the chambers she was in the last time you tended her and mention to no one where she is."

"Severus?"

"I will not put out my fears until I have more evidence, but you need to exercise caution. I have taken your floo, both here and in your chambers down, and will soon complete the process in the entire school. In addition, you will find, once again, that no one is allowed to Apparate within these walls. Once everything is secure I can begin to allow limited access between my chambers and here, as the Headmaster did in the past."

"We have not needed those protections for a long time now. Are you sure?"

"If I were sure I would not be standing here talking to you. I will leave you to speak to the rest of the staff once you have moved Mrs. Snape. I will talk to Professor Longbottom myself as I need to reset the wards to the greenhouses."

"Before you do that, you need to look in on Hermione. She is awake. However, I think she will soon be sleeping again the way she is acting. She wanted to see you."

He lowered the spells around Poppy, and moved them to the curtained area that held Hermione's bed. Pushing the curtain back, he saw her yawning and wiping her eyes as Millie tried to push a glass of water at her.

"Leave us Millie." He took the glass from the elf and set it back on the table. "I will call you when we are done."

"Severus?" Hermione sat up and pushed a pillow behind her back. "Poppy told me what happened. You need to know I did not take anything myself. I only bought the box of tea in Diagon. I quit taking Muggle medicine months ago, the doctor said it could be addictive, and dreamless sleep stopped working so I tried this new tea. I bought it at the emporium, the new one I shop at all the time now."

"Did you have any contact with Lucius or Draco? Any indication that you were followed, or watched?"

"None, I need to hear you say you believe me."

"Would I have reason not to?"

"No, but the last time I was here you thought I was drunk and accused me of letting myself be attacked."

"I never said that. I only asked that you never put yourself in that position again. You are too trusting and tend to see only the good in people. You have never learned that even wizards that fought against the Dark Lord may harm you. You need to look for more than a marked arm."

"And you are a git that sees only the bad?" She looked at her lap and felt a tear make its way down her cheek. "I didn't know I was … I couldn't feel a difference. I needed help sleeping. I still have nightmares sometimes and it helps."

"There are other things you could do, and … perhaps you need to admit them. Say what is bothering you aloud."

"I can still see the final battle. I still see … the dead … hear the sounds … smell the smoke … and I see you, how you wanted to die. It is worse at night, when it is quiet. I sometimes can smell someone's fireplace and panic, just the smell of smoke will start it. Sometimes only the scraping of a chair's leg on the floor, sometimes…just a look, a word..."

"You should have told Poppy." He folded his hands behind his back to stop from reaching out to her.

"Come on," she tried to smile. "I am not the only one. I imagine everyone still dreams of that night and is having a hard time putting it behind them. I think you do…more than you would care to admit."

"Yes, I would say that is true. We have problems with some of the students who still remember certain…moments that were particularly bad for them. And yes, I have a hard time… trusting. But this is not about me."

"Do you trust me? Do you trust that I know what I want?" She waited for his answer feeling the tears start behind her eyes then saw him look away from her. "I guess that's my answer."

"I'm sorry." He sat by her bed, leaning his arms on his knees, looking at the floor. "It will be several days before this is out of your system. Your tears and … weakness will fade."

"You asked me a question." She said softly. "Do you still want my answer or are you trying to withdraw the question?"

"I have directed Poppy to set you up in the chambers adjoined to my own. That will keep up appearances and keep the Ministry assured that you are living as my wife."

"Severus?" She sat forward, and reached for his hand. "I asked you a question."

"You have been under the influence of certain drugs that have altered your perception. It is unfair to discuss this now."

"Does Poppy know how long I have been ingesting it?"

"No, other than it has been at least several days, perhaps weeks, or months, and this is not the first time."

"I was not taking it when Harry and Ginny were married?"

"It is uncertain." He looked up at her and saw the tears pooling in her eyes. "But you were when I met you at the library, and later when I saw you home."

"Wouldn't that mean that I should have been scared of you? If it causes paranoia as you say, I would have mistrusted you as well. Shouldn't I have wanted to run away?"

He stood up and looked at her coldly. "I am sure your other fears outstripped the fear you have of me. The Potters will be moving and you will have to be on your own. Add that to the pressure of keeping up your parents house, and the additional financial burdens you perceive and it would not be hard to believe you would have seen me as a way out."

"I take it you have changed your mind." She became suddenly interested with readjusting the pillow.

"I need you to take over Charms. Draco will be next in line if you do not."

"I see."

"Hermione, I…"

"Fine." She smiled thinly. "So I should just forget this, and we can explain it away with a bad box of tea and my highly excitable nature."

"Hermione, if I thought you …"

"I was going to bring it up myself you know. Really, who could ever think of us being together? Complete and utter nonsense it is. I'm just glad you are the one to break it off because I didn't know what to say… you know, didn't want to hurt you and all."

"Your position will officially start at the beginning of next term. That gives you the rest of the current term, and all summer to settle in. If you need anything in the meantime you should feel free to ask."

"Of course. I will have Millie collect my things if I can have use of her for one more day." She met his eyes and smiled. "I am so glad we had this talk and cleared up any misunderstandings you had about my feelings."

She fell back against the pillow and pushed the heels of her hands to her eyes. She refused to cry, refused to give him the satisfaction. She turned on her hip and slid down under the blankets, hoping that Poppy was correct. She wanted to sleep and stop the aching in her chest.

.

.

.

She found her new chambers refurbished, no longer looking like carbon copies of the Headmaster's. Hermione knew she should have been thankful to Minerva but the dark furniture and heavy fabrics seemed depressing and overly done. She piled the bookcase full of her old textbooks and then pushed the sofa in front of it to further seal off his quarters.

As soon as the students left for the summer, she could comb the unused floors until she found her own place, far away from him. If Neville could be trusted, she would have little interaction with him, and could concentrate on her work. She finished unpacking and stood looking at the almost empty wardrobes.

"Millie, are you sure you brought everything. I had a few boxes in the cupboard, in the room across the hall from my bedroom. Did you think to look there?"

"Books," Millie nodded and smiled widely. "Everything here."

Hermione sighed and looked at the clock before leaving to seek out Neville. She found him in the library, pouring over the essays his students had submitted.

"Don't you have an office?"

"Oh hi, Hermione. Yeah, but they find me there." He indicated the chair across from him. "My students never come to the library it seems."

"Must be because you are so good they understand everything without ever needing to open a book."

"I wish," he said laughing. "So, what brings you here?"

"I've made a list of everything I need for class, but I don't know what the school supplies and what I am expected to take care of. I know it is months off, but I will feel better once I am prepared."

"Snape is quite strict. If it is for the student the school pays, everything else is on you. I've even known him to toss in for robes and books."

"Snape?"

"Since the war many cannot afford it," he said lowering his voice. "You won't see any used uniforms here either. One of the firsties was being teased, my first year I taught under Sprout, because of his old-fashioned robes. Snape told him that he understood and took him down to Diagon. Ever since then, no one wears them. If they can't afford them, they just appear and the used ones are never seen again."

Hermione laid a list on the table and pushed it over to Neville. "I know everything on the back I'm responsible for, but this stuff is for my work. Like the quills and parchment and the like."

Neville drew a line through the third item on the list. "See Hagrid for stuff like mice, and other creatures. I supply the plants of course. Snape will have your desk set up with exactly two quills, four packets of parchment, one binder and two inkpots. You run out, you buy your own."

"You're kidding."

"Nope." He pushed the list back to her. "And those books, you want them, you buy them. I guess when you leave you get to take them with you. Hootch and Minerva left theirs here because the school paid for them. The Ministry and the Board keep cutting his budget, but he insists things be… proper. I don't know, Hermione, a lot still don't trust him up here, and treat him poorly in town. Minerva and I talked about it and agree it's almost as if they are trying to get rid of him."

"Great."

"Has he given you his list yet?"

"His list?" She felt the other penny drop.

"He has very rigid requirements for teaching robes and such."

"I don't have any yet, so it shouldn't matter much."

"He also has seen to include which celebrations you will be required to attend so you have time to shop for suitable robes."

"He decides which celebrations we have to attend and then we have to foot the bill?" she smirked. "I hope he didn't put me down for any because until I get a few pay cheques I am flat broke."

"It's not that bad." Neville put his hand over hers on the table. "You're going to be okay here, Hermione."

"Yeah, right." She stood up and pushed the chair back under the table. "I guess I have to see him. Does he require appointments?"

"Hermione? I thought you two were…"

"No, that was just to fool the Ministry," she muttered. "Kind of a joke, but we decided not to let anyone in on it in case … you know, in case someone let it slip."

Neville got up, walked around the table and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry Hermione."

She looked up at him and saw his concern, and the fact that he had not even considered any truth in what she said. "Don't be. There is no reason to be sorry. Well, unless you are sorry for talking me into this. I never should have come. I never should have been stupid enough to think he cared for anything more than how he could find someone to keep the Malfoys out."

"You're wrong about him," Neville frowned at her. "He is … different around you."

"Yeah," she snorted out a laugh. "He is such a kind person, always saying such nice things to me."

"In comparison to the rest of the staff…"

"That's the point isn't it? I am part of the staff. I'm sorry, Neville, I don't mean to drag you in on it, but he … he seemed to almost welcome an excuse to be rid of me."

"Too much information my girl," he said, trying to sound stern. "Give it some time I bet you find you like teaching here. You can move your research here and…"

"Who told you I was researching something?"

"You don't live with Ginny and expect anything keep secret. But if it helps, she admitted she couldn't break the wards on your notes."

"Great!" Hermione pressed her lips together angrily. "I'm going to bed now. I haven't even started yet and I am getting pissed."

"Hermione," he called to her, then hurried to grab her arm and pull her back. "That stuff in your tea. It does that. Until it's out of your system you are going to bouncing off the walls. Wait," her picked up one of his books and pressed it into her hands, "read up on it. I will make it easier to understand what is happening to you."

"Poppy said a couple of days."

"Yeah, well… hopefully. Wait until you have two or three days in a row with out flying off the handle… much…" he said with a grin. "Don't push it. Without knowing how long you took it no one can say for certain how long it will be. I'd give it a couple of weeks just to be sure."

"Thanks, Neville." She hugged the book to her chest and stood up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "I'm glad you're here. You keep me grounded."


	19. Shopping

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 19**

**Shopping**

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Hermione went over her list again, pruning and refining, crossing off the more expensive things she could do without, and adding things she had to purchase. Sending an owl to the Headmaster, she had requested his list as well to come up with the total of what she needed. It was more telling when she saw the list of what he did not allow the staff or students to wear. No longer, would he allow students or staff ostentatious shows of wealth. Jewellery was now banned. Robes and uniforms were to be purchased from a pre-approved line that was rather plain, with no insignias allowed. She moved her finger down the list and frowned when she saw he'd even regulated the type of footwear.

_Git_, she thought and looked down at her worn trainers. With a sigh, she added shoes to her list and leaned back tapping the end of the quill on the desktop. She didn't know how she was going to manage. While living with the Potters she had not realized how little she owned, or how even a shower involved more things than she had the money to buy. She looked at the window and remembered her father scolding her for being wasteful with the many hair products she used and frowned.

Grabbing the lists in her fist, she stood and began the long march up to the Headmaster's office.

"Headmaster, if I may have a moment?" She walked in to his office and suddenly stopped, seeing him with his head bent over his desk. "I'm sorry, if you are busy…"

"No, Herm... Mrs. Snape." He leaned back and indicated the chair opposite him at the desk.

"I need an advance on my salary." She said stiffly, putting the lists in front of him.

"The Ministry only pays quarterly." He frowned looking at the lists. "You are welcomed to my stores for the personal items."

She looked at his hair and snorted. "I think not, I would rather have my own shampoo thank you very much."

He opened his desk and tossed his Gringotts seal on the desk. "Your name, as my guardian, will still allow you access."

"I am not taking your money."

"You need certain things that I can supply you. It would be foolish not to take advantage."

"No. How would it look? My taking money from the Headmaster?"

"Like a wife spending her husband's money," he said evenly. "If you feel more comfortable with it we can call it a loan."

"We won't just call it that, that's exactly what it would be." She stood up taking the seal.

"There are, on occasion, functions that I must attend. You, as my wife, will be included in these invitations. However, it is purely up to you to attend or not as you wish." He nodded to the seal in her hand. "If you do attend, the cost of any … robes and suitable dresses … would be mine. I would appreciate it if you were prepared in advance."

"No thank you, I am sure you can find a suitable escort other than dragging me along."

He watched her walk to the door, ready to return to his work when he thought better of it. "Mrs. Snape. I am not done."

"I'm sorry," she said with a sigh.

"I have wanted to speak to you about the problem in the forbidden forest."

"Have you found evidence outside of this world?"

"Yes, six between the times the centaur was taken to the time the unicorn was found."

"So," she looked down at the floor and chewed her lip. "Whoever it was started here, and then came back."

She paced in front of the fireplace while he watched her with a smirk. He picked up a quill and began drawing circles on the corner of a parchment, glancing at the clock occasionally. _Three more minutes_, he thought and opened the drawer, pulling out two glasses and a bottle of fire whisky.

_One minute left_, he thought and poured them both a drink, downed his own, and took hers over to where she still paced. Holding it out to her, he smirked as her eyes snapped up to his and she reached for the glass, gulping it down in one swallow.

"My gods," she put out a hand to steady herself. "He needs something magical. Magical … but why? And don't forget the size, I bet that each creature became smaller until … whatever he used just before the unicorn was too small. Right? He had to find a magical creature, but couldn't keep killing them without risking discovery, so went out to the Muggle word until he knew what … what size he wanted. I bet the last one was a Welch pony. It's the same size and … was it?"

"It was Draco that gave it away," he took her empty glass and walked back to his desk. "He …"

"He knows the hide is not only cured, which would shrink it, but also the shape was changed. Someone is making a suit."

"Care for another drink, Mrs. Snape?" He looked at her darkly. "You might need it."

"Shut up, Severus." She bit her lip and resumed her pacing.

"Hermione." He went to her and led her back to the chair. "You are making me dizzy. Sit before I have to pick you up."

"Severus, we found all the Horcruxes. You, better than anyone, should know that, but it does indeed seem like a vessel of some sort."

"You're almost there," he quipped, glancing up at the clock again before refilling her glass.

"He wants better than Professor Quirrell this time. He… this is crazy … it cannot be him. He's dead. Not just dead, destroyed."

"Yes, but Riddle is not the only one that ever wanted power, and thanks to the publicity on his methods of operation there are others that now will know what he attempted and try to follow him."

"Each animal has died. Surely, he cannot think he can change the hide to alter the internal structure. What are we missing?"

"I am sure you will…"

"And if he is doing this, why not just transfigure what he needs? Unless of course he has cracked the gene passed in werewolves that enable them … I wonder if that would work. Other than the short-term effects of the lunar phase, that is. No, it wouldn't work. If it did the new shell wouldn't be needed."

"Unless?" he smirked, knowing where her mind was going.

"Unless he has already started the process and just needs a safe place, then all he needs is the shell."

"Almost, there."

"Almost?"

"That's as far as I got before I heard the eldest Weasley boy had returned," he sighed, and poured two more drinks, returning the bottle to the drawer. "There have been a number of objects stolen from Memphis. Including spells, spells designed to enable the gods to walk again. There is one more bit to the puzzle we need to fit in and I think we will find it with Weasley."

"Last time Voldemort waited it gave us time to prepare, but now…it still does not make sense, if he can be spelled back… why the suit, why the animals?"

"I would assume because this time there is no horcrux. This time the vessel has to be ready to receive the soul, not the soul consuming the vessel."

"We prepared last time because we knew he was returning," she mused. "How do we prepare when we don't know how he is coming back."

"He cannot, Hermione. If whoever is doing this thinks we left anything of Voldemort to return he is deluded."

"Then why?"

Severus leaned back in his seat and stared at her coldly. "Someone else. Someone with delusions and enough money to think he can be the next Lord. Someone that has everything but that which he wants the most."

"Right," she muttered, sipping her drink. "Severus? Whoever it is, he's not dead yet. He wants it ready, a new body ready before he dies. Don't you see? He wants a shell ready to accept his… his… whatever it is… all he needs is a container, with living tissue infused with his blood, and then his new body can be… I guess grown is the right word… his new body can be grown in it. He will create his own skeleton at the same time as he transfers his soul… or his mind… and will cut the growth time by more than half. Half! He could cut it to days. If he can manage the … change completely, he could… my gods…" she snapped her head up to meet his eyes.

"Yes, he could do the transfer himself, without the need for death. His or another's. I thought of that. Then I checked the library and attempted to match what we saw in the forest with the ancient depictions of gods. He may not be planning to be anything other than what the animal is, Hermione," he said, as he lowered his head and looked up at her from under his brow. "That would mean that whoever it is, is at this time gaining control in areas we are not yet aware of. Whoever it is has to be ready on all fronts because if he manages to get that thing to live, all he has to do is _step _into it."

She nodded and stood up to pace again. "Quietly this time. Not showing his hand. Not making … wanting control. Malfoy."

"We cannot jump to that conclusion." He rose and quickly crossed to her. "One false word and he, or whoever it is, will know we have an idea of what is happening."

"Will you call the Order?"

He looked at her and shook his head. "Who? Who is left that would believe us? Potter? The saviour of the world? Weasley? Who would side with Potter in his false belief that agreeing with a friend makes you loyal? We lost too many, and I will not ask the survivors for more of their lives unless we know for sure that we need them."

"Neville? He would help, and he has turned on friends to do what is right before. At least we can ask him. Fuck, get Augusta, she'll do him in, whoever it is. She is just waiting for a chance to draw blood."

"Hermione, he is a staff member here and I will not subject him to further demands." He grinned openly at her mention of Augusta.

"So am I, or have you forgotten? Anyway, we don't have it quite right, it doesn't fit. Whoever is doing this is not working alone. Someone has to be here to complete the transfer. That's what's off. If it were Malfoy, he would have to have someone he could trust, trusted enough to bring him back, and frankly … who would do that? I mean, if he … well, who would want to bring him back instead of taking control for themselves?"

"You know what happened last time, with Pettigrew. However, I agree with you. The followers are gone and all that remains are those that would seek power for themselves. If it starts again it will be a far different scenario."

"I'm scared Severus," she bit her lip. "If it starts again we aren't ready."

"We don't need to be ready for something that may never happen. We need to be observant to make sure it never does, and head this off before it goes further."

"You sound like Moody. What of you?"

He shrugged lightly. "I am still on talking terms with Lucius, as you remember we are old drinking companions. It may be time to renew his acquaintance in a more intimate nature."

"Who else? He has to have someone else. Riddle had Pettigrew. Who would Malfoy have? His wife? And why now?"

"Do not imagine Narcissa would help him if he plans on gaining power and living forever," Severus smirked. "She has waited too long to be a grieving widow. I think she is waiting for her chance to spend the Malfoy fortune."

"Why wouldn't he just take her with him and create a new body for her?"

He scowled at her. "She is not what you think, Hermione, not by half. She stood by her husband. That is her only crime."

"Then he either plans on leaving her, or doing nothing until she is dead. No matter what else he is, I think he does care for her."

"I need to speak to her." He sighed deeply. "I need to make myself … available again."

"No," she flung her arms around his neck. "Not again. You can't put yourself back in that position."

He sucked in his breath, and held her as she pushed her body into his. "Miss. Granger, please restrain yourself."

"I'm sorry," she muttered stepping back, her face turning red. "Get used to it, I hug."

"I don't think that is a good idea Miss… Mrs. Snape."

"I hug." She said flatly. "Okay, so hex me."

"It is not hexing that your hugs make me think of," he said with a smirk. "You should learn to control yourself. Too many wizards would take your behaviour as more than you intend. If I remember correctly you have already been down that road once, of course perhaps you wish to revisit the Hogs Head."

She locked her eyes on his, hearing the warning in his voice, seeing the darkness in his eyes. She nervously turned back to the door feeling like a fool again, a fool that he had just scolded like a child.

"I have shopping to do." She paused and spoke back over her shoulder. "As soon as the students leave I will be in the library most days. If you find anything new, you can send an owl, other than that, don't expect me to give a damn where you are or what you do. If you want to run to Lucius go. You can do your research at the bottom of a whiskey bottle, mine I will take to the library."

She hurried down the stairs hearing his footfalls come to the top of the stairs and stop. She knew he was watching her and slowed, determined not to look like a child running away.

She forced Neville to go into Hogsmeade with her and help her with the supplies only to find that most of the things she needed were not available. At his suggestion, they made a quick trip to Diagon, intent on ordering her teaching robes at the same time. Once she had tried on the first set, she was thankful Neville had thought of it. She needed to have the hems raised, the shoulders narrowed, and the waist taken in.

"Just give me a size smaller," she complained when told it was at least a month's wait. "And the outer robes just need to be hemmed."

"Then we have to let out the bosom and hips, and my dear there is not that much fabric to work with. Much easier to take in than let out. And your husband will just send the outer robes back if they do not fit properly."

She turned and glared at the sound of Neville's snort. "It's not funny."

"Sorry," Neville grinned and looked down at her hips. "But you have to admit …"

"Shut up, Neville."

"I'll have them sent along when they are done."

"Do you need to know where my chambers are?"

"No dear, we will send them to your husband. It has been a while since he has ordered anything but I am sure we still have it on file."

"He has ordered things from here?"

"Oh my yes, he used to be one of our best customers."

"I see," Hermione looked around the all witches shop.

"Mrs. Snape, that was … well, at least a year or more ago."

"Fine," she muttered and pulled Neville along to the door, hearing him chuckle.

"I'm sorry," he said, trying to be sober. "But for a witch that is determined to dislike him you sure looked jealous in there."

"I'm not," she hissed.

"It's okay you know," he stopped walking until she stopped to face him. "I hear a lot of the gossip, and you should know that it was Poppy that sort of talked him out of the whole marriage thing."

"What?"

"You were still in the hospital wing, and according to Minerva you only agreed to him because of the drugs you were on. Don't get me wrong, she knew you were legally married, but she and Poppy talked about how the drugs had altered your judgement, or else you never would have agreed to be a… a real wife to him."

"They told him to…"

"No, but Poppy did suggest that it was the only reason, that your mind …"

"He never has done anything he's been told before."

"Maybe not," Neville shrugged. "I just know if I thought a witch only said yes because she was drugged I would reconsider the whole thing."

"He knows …"

"He knows what he thinks he heard. Give him time."

"You, Neville Longbottom, are telling me to give Professor Snape time?" She grinned and pulled his elbow up, wrapping her arm around it. "Come on, let's go spend some more money. I can hear Honeydukes calling."

"I don't know," Neville laughed. "With those hips you better be careful."

"Shut up," she whispered, then laughed at his embarrassment. "Fine. We will go to the stationary and the book shops instead, and since I can no longer drink my tea I need to find something else."

"You should see Poppy," Neville frowned at her.

"I can't, I won't take calming potion anymore, but I need something. I never realized how much I … need the tea, Neville."

"It's going to be hard to stop drinking it, but you know you have to. Just remember, if you can't sleep, you are welcome to wake me up. I'll sit up all night and talk. Hermione, just don't drink anymore of that stuff."

"I've thrown it out, but it's hard," she bit her lip and looked up at him. "I didn't even know what was happening to me. Now…now I feel like I am waking up and I don't like it."

They shopped until the shops were closing, and Hermione checked the last thing off her list. She had eight galleons left of her own money and begged Neville to let her buy his dinner. He agreed only after she said she would let him return the favour in the future. They spent a relaxing hour at the Leaky Cauldron and only left when Neville pointed out that he had to be up early. Since tomorrow was the last day of term, they made a date to meet at least once a week away from the castle.

When they arrived back at Hogwarts, she looked up at the turret and saw the Headmaster's light glowing yellow through the window.

"I'll make it back to my chambers myself. I want to give him the seal back tonight before he thinks I am emptying out his vaults."

Neville looked up at the light with her. "He'll be up there until it's almost light. I don't think he sleeps much."

"He never makes it to breakfast. I am sure he sleeps, just not at the same time as the rest of the castle."

"The first year he was here it was worse. He would walk the grounds nearly every night, checking the wards."

Hermione looked at him oddly. "And you know this how?"

"Could you sleep the first years after?" He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I didn't think so, none of us could, still can't sometimes. Good night, Hermione, and remember, if you need me I am here."

She found Severus sitting in front of the fireplace with his feet propped up on a small footstool, a glass of whiskey in his hand.

"Headmaster? I brought back your seal." She walked to his desk and laid it down. "I will make a list of what I spent and send it with the receipts tomorrow so you can balance your accounts."

He looked at her then turned back to the fire, not greeting or responding to her. He lowered his glass, setting it on the floor, and leaned his head back on the chair.

"You should be in bed," she offered, as she walked to the door.

"Next time you are out this late, your gentleman will take you to your chambers or bring you here. You are not to walk the halls alone at this time of night when the students are not in residence."

"I can find …"

"This is not open to debate."

"Is it open for a question?" she asked flatly.

"I do not plan on having the hallways patrolled all summer, nor do I plan on having silly witches wandering alone in miles of corridors."

"I…"

"Goodnight, Miss Granger. Do remember my rules. If anyone should know the reason for such rules, it would be you. I will also ask you to curtail bringing your young men to the castle when students are in residence. We must keep up pretences."

"My young…? I was with Neville you git, he took me shopping."

"It is no concern of mine whom you spend time with. However, while in these halls you will make every appearance of a respectable and married witch."

"Goodnight, Headmaster." She turned on her heel and left, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of an argument.

That night her dreams were worse than normal. Usually it was almost morning before she woke in a cold sweat and reached for her wand to light her room, as if shedding the darkness would stop the voices. _Finish it._ Instead of rolling over and trying to go back to sleep, she climbed out of bed, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and ran to the sitting room. She built a roaring fire and sat on the floor, hugging her knees and wishing this would stop. _Finish it._ She wondered how much longer before she could stop remembering the Auror that had stepped in front of her to hide the bodies, how much longer before she could not smell copper every time she thought of Fred, and how much longer before she did not hear his voice asking to die. And how much longer before her mind stopped replaying the night she had cast the curse?

.

_She had packed her knapsack and sent her books and other belongings ahead to the House of Black. After nearly a month of secretly removing her pictures from photo albums, digging through her mother's cupboards, and destroying everything she had bought them, every Christmas present, every birthday card and every school project, she was sure she had erased any sign that she had existed. She had walked through the house, making sure it held nothing of her, and for all intent it was the house of a middle- aged childless couple. _

_She had tapped on her mother's bedroom door, and waited until she heard her mother call to her before she stepped inside. _

"_Dad's in the shower," she had said nervously, holding her wand behind her back. "I wanted to … to see you before he came in."_

"_What is it dear? What is wrong?" _

"_Nothing, Mum," she whispered as her wand began to trace intricate patterns in the air, and a well-rehearsed incantation spilled from her lips. As she lowered her wand she __heard__ her father's anguished cry._

"_No, my gods!" He gasped as he pushed Hermione roughly aside, rushed to his wife that lay across the bed, and cradled her in his arms. "What have you done?" _

"_Something I have to do, Daddy," she had cried. _

_He turned to her, his face ashen, holding his wife to his chest and saw his daughter raise her wand a second time. _

"_What… what are you … do you plan on killing us?" He stammered, clutching the only woman he had ever loved. "Baby, please… I don't understand. What have they done to you? What has that place done to you?"_

"_Daddy," Hermione squeezed her eyes and began her wand work again, and again started the incantation. "I… I have to do this… I have to…"_

_Her father turned his head down to look at his wife. "Finish it, then. I won't live without her. Finish it."_

.

.

Jumping up from the floor, she rushed out of the room and flew down the stairs, running to Neville's quarters. She felt her throat trying to close as she fought for breath and sobbed as he pulled open the door and let her fall into his arms. He scooped her up and deposited her on the sofa then pulled his wand and sent his Patronus to the Headmaster.

Severus was not surprised to see the silvery messenger and at once contacted Poppy. Hermione would have a long night of it and it would be best to have Poppy ready if she were needed. He slowly made his way to Neville's chambers, knowing there was nothing he could give Hermione to lessen the effects of her withdrawal from the Khat. She would have to make it through the night, and the next and the next, without help.

"Headmaster," Neville said quietly as he opened the door. "I had her lay down in my bedchamber."

"It is as we spoke of?"

"Yes, I am surprised she managed to hold up this long. I … she told me she was having nightmares about her parents," Neville sighed and stepped aside to allow Severus entry. "I ordered up tea."

"How was she today?"

"Skittish." Neville admitted, "okay, well you would have had to been there. She was complaining about not having her tea, and mentioned that she needed to find something else."

"Poppy is aware of what is happening, if you need her just floo," Severus said frowning. "We could use a spell, but she needs to face whatever she is trying to forget."

"She, umm… she is embarrassed. She doesn't want you to see her like this." Neville looked back toward his bedroom door. "I don't want her to know I contacted you… you know how she can get, but I … well she is in my bed and …I thought someone else should be here. You know … appearances and all."

"I will send Millie," Severus said stiffly. "You are correct. She does not want me here."

"I never said that." Neville said with a scowl. "I only said she is embarrassed. It seems whatever she has been avoiding concerns her parents and … she says you …"

"Bloody hell," Severus spat, remembering his attempted conversation at the library. "She should be over the worse of it by morning. However, I will ask that you watch her for the next couple of days."

"You don't have to ask," Neville said softly. "Of course I will."


	20. Settling In

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 20**

**Settling In**

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The next few days Hermione kept to her chambers or walked along the shore of the lake alone. She would burst into tears and run to Neville, who sat patiently waiting for her to calm. They talked long into the night, but never of her parents, never of the final battle, and never of Severus. Neville saw her gradual return to normal, but worried that she still held her fears too close.

Hermione had spent the better part of a summer night making lesson plans and going through the classroom material, comparing what the texts covered with what she had covered in the same years. She was surprised to see the changes Minerva had made, pushing more and more on the younger students, leaving time for covering theory and creating spells in the later years. She read the notes Minerva had left her, and compared them to the Boards list of what should be covered, with a snort of laughter that Minerva could so easily sidestep their demands.

A list lay at her elbow with a pot of ink, several quills and a stack of receipts from her earlier shopping trip. She looked up and saw the sky with the first purple streaks of approaching dawn and sighed, leaned back in her seat and was glad another night had passed. Once, she had read a self-help article in a magazine on overcoming bad dreams and done as it suggested, keeping a dairy to examine the horrors in the light of the day. When it came to putting her fears to parchment, she had been able to look at the list with detachment and honesty, but knew, whatever it was that woke her was not there. Whatever it was that gripped and would not let go, did not have a face, or a name, only cold steal bands that wrapped around her chest and made it almost in possible to breathe.

She could see the look on her father's face and remember the night of horror as bodies were laid out on the tables of the Great Hall. She could remember the smell and gore that had greeted her in the Shrieking Shack, and remember Severus' plea for death. Each thing she could recall and see past the fear, but at night, when the darkness became an oppressive hand, when the breeze from the window touched her skin, the shivers she felt were not from the cold and were no longer from lack of drugs.

She pulled a fresh sheet of parchment and began a tally of the receipts. Penning two neat columns she listed each item she had purchased and next to it the cost of each. Checking the receipts once more against the total, she stood and walked to the floo and asked Millie to step through to her.

"I want you to take this to the Headmaster," she said, trying to hand the elf the list.

"Master's Missus do it." The elf kept her hands behind her back, shaking her head.

"No, I am not his Missus and I want you to do it." Hermione frowned at her, surprised at the refusal.

"I gets his tea tray now, you take that." Millie placed her hands on her hips and frowned back.

"You will do as you are told," Hermione laughed. "You are a house elf, are you not?"

"Elf for House of Snape." She lifted her head in pride and arrogantly looked up at Hermione. "Master say you not in House of Snape."

"I will take it myself, "Hermione grumbled. "I will not stand here and argue with an elf. House of Snape… House of Derelicts of Spinners End is more like it."

She dressed as quickly as she could and hurried to the top of the tower, wanting to throw the list on his desk and leave as soon as she could. She was surprised and a little angry, to see Millie smirk when she arrived.

"Master's Missus has breakfast here." She smiled and clasped her hands.

"Millie?" Severus said her name as a warning as he strode into the office. "I warned you."

"I asked her to give you this but she refused," Hermione glared at the elf. "I made two lists. One for the classroom supplies that you should be reimbursed for from the Hogwarts' account and one of my own personal expenditures."

"She is the only house elf I have ever known that …" he started, then stopped seeing Millie's smile. "She is for sale."

"You can do that?"

"Master makes joke," Millie choked. "He jokes mean. You eat breakfast."

"During the summer we do not keep regular meal times," he explained to Hermione all the while glaring at Millie. "Floo the kitchen when you want to eat and they will send a tray."

"Oh, I ... it does seem rather foolish with just the staff to bother with the Great Hall," she muttered as she headed for the door.

"Longbottom will stay during the summer as the new plantings still require daily care. However, Madam Pomfrey will leave as soon as her inventory is finished."

"You mean it will be just the three of us?"

"Yes, unless you count Hagrid. However, he does not come to the main castle." He walked to the table and looked down at the tray. "It appears Millie has seen fit to send your breakfast here. You may take it with me or have her remove it to your private chambers."

"No, this is fine." She had smelt bacon and eggs and now eyed sliced tomatoes, hot chocolate and toast. "I must be hungrier than I thought. That is if you don't mind."

They sat across the small coffee table from each other and filled their plates before leaning back and beginning to eat. Hermione caught Millie peeking at her and clapping her hands.

"Severus, what is she…"

"Millie! " he thundered. "You have been warned, remember Spinner's End sits empty. Unless you care to clean an empty house I suggest you leave."

Mille sighed loudly and with a sob, popped out of sight.

"You could be nicer to her. She seems quite attached to you."

"Joy," he intoned as he reached for his tea. "She is not as she appears."

"She is an elf," Hermione giggled.

"She is not a Hogwarts elf. Her ilk is that of Dobby. You do remember Lucius' elf?"

"Of course."

"She, like Dobby binds to a family, not a place, as do the elves of Hogwarts. In that she not easily rid of."

"I see. Dobby did that his freedom however. The lists… the supplies cost more than I imagined but as soon as I get paid I will take care of it."

"There is a display in Hamburg tomorrow of new lab supplies... I need to see them before ordering them for the lessons. The ones I bought last year were inferior," he said lightly. "If you would care to go with me it may prove interesting. They will also have a display of cauldrons and disposable vials that I am interesting in seeing. I will also be taking lunch with … some of the old potions masters I would like you to meet."

"I hear the vials are quite expensive," Hermione mused.

"Yes, but they have the benefit of being non-breakable and would not carry trace elements from previous uses in the event they are not cleaned properly. We could use them in the infirmary. St. Mungo's has rejected them based on cost alone, which is a foolish assumption to make when judging merit. If they save in the amounts of contaminated ingredients we pour down the drain they will be more cost efficient than the waste we currently have."

"And you would not have to worry about poisoned supplies as it is my understanding the cap is sealed as it is closed and shows an obvious colour change if it is tampered with."

"Yes." He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I contacted the emporium in Diagon to purchase the same tea as you had been using. It proved quite harmless, albeit tasteless. However I wanted to make sure the same blend was not being put out to the public in large."

"I will pass on the trip, Headmaster," she said as she set her cup down, avoiding his eyes as she used his title. "I was hoping to gain your permission to use your lab, the one in your personal chambers in the dungeons. Neville says you no longer use it and that your old chambers sit empty."

"No, there is still damage to the foundation that has resulted in seepage. The resulting moisture ruins any dried ingredients and is causing mildew. It should be repaired by the end of the month, until that time I will have to refuse your request."

"I see," she muttered. "But at the end of the month it will be mine?"

"Yes." He felt a grin tugging at his mouth, knowing that an entire month may be more than she could wait. "However, there are several unused rooms on the third floor and no longer a need to avoid that area."

"No three headed dogs?" She grinned at him.

"That, and no mirrors to entice small boys to dream of what can never be," he quipped. "If you need a lab you will need supplies. I have an account in town, in Hogsmeade. You are welcome to put anything…"

"No, I'm fine in that quarter," she said as she rose and smoothed her robes. "During the summer, while the children are gone, must we continue to dress as if we are holding lessons?"

"Only while on Hogwarts business. If you were to accompany me to the show, and to lunch, you would need attire that is more formal. However, for the summer, no."

"I see," she said nervously. "The teaching robes I ordered will not be ready for a while. They insisted they would deliver them here. So, if a delivery comes if you could re-direct it to my chambers I would appreciate it."

"If that is all I must be going, the demonstration begins shortly." He stood and nodded to her. "I am sure you can find your way around and do not need the typical orientation for new hires."

"No, just… just one thing. I am working on something that will be moved to the dungeons when the work there is done. I trust you will at that time remove your wards and allow me to set use my own."

"I have no interest in spying on your research," he said. "Hermione, do you have any … any other questions?"

She studied his face before shaking her head, not sure if he was encouraging her to speak of personal things or referring only to the job.

He watched her leave and scowled that she had not seen to talk about her research. He had discovered her journals as she lay in Neville's bed. Concerned that she may still have some of her tea in her chambers, he and Poppy had searched through her belongings. Finding her candles set around the space he had removed them, knowing they had come from the same shop and worried that they too could be contaminated.

"They could be the reason her withdrawal has taken so long." Madam Pomfrey had pointed out. "If they indeed have the same thing it could be just enough to put off a full withdrawal."

Severus had pulled his wand and blasted the offending objects into pieces, then had meekly flicked his wand and cleaned up the mess he had created.

"Feel better?" Poppy had grinned. "Minerva had a mirror she would shatter when things got bad. I used to think that she would break it beyond repair in the years you were first here as….umm, never mind."

"Go on," he had intoned. "When I was here with the Carrows."

"Yes," she had sighed. "She didn't know, Severus. None of us did."

Now, he thought of Hermione's journals, and the research into memory charms she had compiled. She was still at the beginning stage and he knew from what he had seen that she was on the wrong path. Attempting to heal the portion of the brain she thought was damaged, she had misconstrued the problem. She had obviously found something in a text long since out of date and forgotten. He also knew that unless she discovered the error on her own she would only spend more time trying to disprove his knowledge when she should be changing course and starting anew.

He wondered briefly if all witches were so stubborn or if Hermione held a singular spot on that list as he headed to the floo.

He went alone to the demonstration. After seeing the disposable vials, he agreed to try them for one year, on the condition that the quality was the same as what he saw there. Twice before, he had ordered supplies and found the delivered quality much less than the samples touted out at trade fairs and conventions. At the display of cauldron supplies, he was impressed with the new more slender stirrers, made for the smaller hand of a witch. Picking one up for closer inspection, he was surprised to hear a chuckle at his side, and the feel of a hand on his shoulder.

"Shopping for the wife?"

"Lucius, I am surprised to see you. And, yes. If I want her to stay out of my lab and not use my personal belongings, I am afraid I will have to spend money. She is, however, soon to be collecting her own income."

"She should be put away my friend," Lucius said quietly. "Although I do admire Mrs. Longbottom's solution to the situation you were in, there were other avenues available."

"Yes, I am sure many old friends were rushing to my defence. I was surprised that you were so…concerned." He picked two more of the slender stirrers and used his wand to attach his payment to the billing.

"My own funds were frozen," Lucius shrugged. "I have seen your name in Potions Monthly as of late. I hear congratulations are in order."

"No, confirmation is a long way off as you would know if you did more than read the large print," Severus said with a smirk and tucked the package with his purchases in his pocket.

"How long do you plan on keeping _your wife_ around? You do know any new title you acquire will transfer to her as well. I would be … expedient… to rid yourself of her before the final decision is made."

"I am sure you are aware of the difficulties in getting rid of a wife. Now, tell me Lucius, what is it you are truly after? I no longer have the patience for this."

"We are close, closer then you would believe. We want you, Severus. We want you back. Back the way it used to be."

Severus heard the hesitation, and almost smiled. "Whatever you are looking for eludes you. You are a bad liar, and a worse conspirator."

Lucius lost his own smile and glared at Severus angrily. "You still wear the mark. A mark I am close to controlling. When you feel it again you will know I am ready. Fail to answer the call and you will feel my anger."

Severus watched the blonde wizard sweep off into the crowd until he was lost in the sea of black robes. He no longer had any doubt about Draco's statement that it had been Lucius who had managed to add the drugs to Hermione's tea, and he no longer had any doubt the fool he had just spoken to was behind whatever was happening to the creatures of the Forbidden Forest.


	21. Lunch in the Lab

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 21**

**Lunch in the Lab**

* * *

Once the students had left for the summer, and Hermione had settled into a routine she began to search the back hallways on the unused floors, hoping to find a place to turn into her home. She found a suite of rooms that would put her on the opposite side of the castle, as far from the Headmaster as she could find. The space was large, and sunny. She stood at the window in what would be the sitting room and was pleased to see the lake and mountains beyond it. She walked into the bedroom, wrapping her arms around her waist and thinking how cold it was for the beginning of the summer and wondered what it would feel like in the winter. Falling on her knees in front of the fireplace, she reached up to see if the flue worked only to have soot rain down on her.

She stood and brushed off her jeans, before using her wand to clean her body and the floor, making a mental note to have Filch see to it, knowing no matter what the weather she would want to build a roaring fire. Crossing to the window and seeing the view from there, allowed her to see the Apparation point near the main gates. She unlatched and pushed the sash window back, seeing the same lake as she had from the sitting room. She wondered why the window was charmed to show the font of the castle, thinking it odd that someone would not want to look out onto the sloping green expanses. Shrugging, she closed and latched the window closed.

Turning back to the room, she opened the only other door expecting to find the loo only to see not just it, but a large sunken tub and a shower stall tucked into the corner. She frowned, and wondering why obviously new chambers should be empty, she returned to the sitting room. Pulling open another door, she smiled when she saw a second bedroom complete with built in cupboards and desk. It would make a perfect office. Walking through the second bedroom, she stepped into what appeared to be an alcove and found yet another door to the side, not obviously visible. Pushing it open, she frowned at the room that opened up in front of her.

No changes or remodelling had been done here. The original stone walls and floors smelled of damp and dust. She looked up at the ceiling and saw a ragged crack that she at once knew had happened during the final conflict as the giants brought down the wall on that side of the castle. She had seen the same cracks repaired in her last year as a student. Backing out she warded the door closed, her hand shaking as she traced the pattern, wanting to close off any memory of that day.

She knew the furniture in her current rooms would fit. The space was at least twice as large as the quarters she had. She grinned realizing both bedrooms and the sitting room had a fireplace. Biting her lip she pulled her wand and pointed it at the fireplace then ran and examined each of the bedrooms as well. They were all still on the network.

"Millie," she called and clapped her hands, pleased to see the elf appear. "Are you still assigned to help me?"

"Yes, Master's Missus." She looked around nervously. "Master say you Snape again. You comes and you goes."

"Yeah, well … don't get used to it," she frowned. "I want you to start moving my things up here."

"What things Master's Missus?"

"Start with the sitting room. I'll start packing up my personal things tonight and you can move them tomorrow."

"Yes, Master's Missus." Millie smacked her head on the floor.

"Okay, what is it?"

"Headmaster, he say no one comes here."

"That's foolish. I told him I was finding an empty living chamber. If he didn't want me to have it he would have mentioned it." She scowled. "Millie, tell me, when were these rooms remodelled?"

"Long time now."

"Really?" She looked at the smooth wooden floors and unmarred walls. "Since the war?"

"Oh yes Missus. Master Headmaster he says to do it."

"I see," she shrugged. "Well, if he changed his mind about moving in, I'm taking them."

She smiled and headed down to the Greenhouse to tell Neville of her find, surprised to see his look of concern when she described them to him.

"I don't think it is a good idea. Snape started to work on them, and then suddenly stopped."

"Whatever he planned on using them for, they are gorgeous. Only one room is unfinished, but I don't need it. Bloody hell, I don't need half of what is there now and it is a shame to see it sit empty."

"Hermione, he was angry when he called the work off. Whatever happened he wouldn't talk about it then, and I doubt he will now. Just be warned he may not want you in there."

"I saw him last night," she smiled. "He actually bought me a present, for my potion work. Three stirrers, one silver, one gold, and a, I don't believe it … but one in platinum. Platinum, my gods… I don't know where he even found it. And all three fit my hand perfectly, not those big clumsy things I have now. I was tempted to give them back, you know the price and all, but… he just… I couldn't give them back. I am anxious to see how they work. The platinum alone will cut the time by at least twenty percent, and I can use ingredients the other just won't hold up to."

"Did he say how his luncheon went?"

"No," she said, looking at him oddly. "Who was he meeting?"

"I shouldn't have said anything," Neville muttered. "Just remember what I said about the rooms."

"If I have to move again I will, but in the meantime I plan on enjoying them. The tub alone will make me feel like I have a spa at my beck and call." She laughed, jumping down from the worktable. "I think I should wait until tomorrow to tell him. At least I should get one good soak. And don't worry, I am using candles Molly makes. All horrendous flower scents, but better them than nothing."

Later that night she sent the still unopened packages, from her recent shopping trip, to the new rooms, instructing Millie to put them in the second bedroom while she tossed her clothes from the cupboard to the bed and began to fold them and place them in a box. She was almost done when a piece of parchment fell out onto the floor. Picking it up, she unfolded it and saw the list she had made of the pros and cons of accepting Severus' proposal. She traced her finger over what he had written and felt her chest tighten.

"Fuck," she said aloud as she stormed into the hallway and started up to the Headmaster's office, then stopped and called for Millie again.

"Before I waste my time, where is your master?" she spat angrily.

"Mine? Master?"

"Millie? He is never where you can't find him," she leaned down and glowered, "now tell me where he is before I give you clothes."

"He walks by the lake."

"Fine." She waved off the elf and headed down the stairs and out of the castle, finally finding him walking near the water rushes.

She stood still before approaching him, watching as he walked slowly with his hands shoved in his pockets instead of clasped behind his back, or held tightly at his sides. Never having seen him when he thought he was unobserved, she was surprised to see him as she saw him now. He looked at ease, younger and not tense, the tension was gone from his shoulders, his head was not held as high, his steps not so long and purposeful.

"Severus?"

He startled at her voice, and turned quickly to face her. "You should not be out here unattended. If I cannot trust you to do this simple thing perhaps I should revisit my decision to have you teach as well."

"I am attended. I am with you." She pulled her cloak tighter, feeling the wind tug at it and whip her hair loose from its clasp.

"What do you need? I am sure you did not come here just to bother me."

"No, I came to give you this." She thrust the parchment at him.

He locked his eyes on hers as he unfolded the parchment. He saw her breathing from partly opened lips, her eyes not leaving the parchment. Seeing the fear on her face, he looked down and saw her hands, fisting the cloak as she wrapped it around herself, shivering in the cold.

"Hermione? What is wrong?" His eyes lifted to the castle behind her, quickly scanning the windows as if for a hint of trouble.

She snapped her eyes up to his and lost her resolve. "I changed my mind. Just … give it back."

He turned from her and lifted his wand, holding it over the parchment he whispered, "Lumos." Looking down at the parchment, he clenched his jaw, the vein in his neck beating just under his skin, his hand tightening around the wand. Hermione watched him carefully, seeing his anger evident in the way he stood and flinched when he looked up at her, and found her eyes on his.

"I asked you, what do you need?" He crumpled the page and threw it back at her.

"I wanted to know if you lied when you wrote that," she said flatly. "I'm through with trying to second guess you. I've had enough of waiting. Do you hear me? If you want to act this way then I am out of here. You said I should make my decision with no thought to Draco or Hogwarts and that is what I am doing. Now answer my question Severus Snape."

"Did you lie in the two pages of cons you came up with?"

"No." She fought not to flinch at his sudden anger. "I've never thought you were perfect, and I've never thought any of that would change. Answer me, I asked you first."

"No. This is not a child's game and I will not have it treated like one."

"No you won't answer me? Or no it was a lie, or no it wasn't a lie?" She lifted her chin and glared back at him.

"You do understand there is no possible way to answer that question. You sound like the prosecutor at my trial," he said dryly.

"And you are acting like your solicitor. Just tell me, did you lie?"

"No."

She felt the air leave her lungs in a rush of relief. "Then why did you change your mind? I have the right to know."

He looked at her without speaking and then started back up to the castle, his long strides taking him away quickly and leaving her alone by the lake. He was furious that she had sought him out. He was furious that she had walked outside by herself after he had given her clear instructions not to walk alone, not even in the halls. Striding into his office, he slammed his fist on his desk as he fought to catch his breath and even his breathing. Yanking open the top drawer, he pulled out his bottle of whiskey, seeing the small black box tucked into the back corner.

He picked up the box and snapped open the lid, looking at the pair of rings he had kept in his desk since the day after Potter's wedding. Sighing he sat down heavily and leaned back his head.

"Master, sir?" Millie stood trembling in front of him.

"What is it Millie?"

"Master's Missus, she still gone. Alone by the lake she is. It is dark and she is out alone."

"I know Millie. I'll take care of it."

He watched Millie pop out and sighed, running his hands though his hair and wondered what had made him have Millie keep an eye on her, and then wondered why he had not sent Millie to collect her. He stood and stared at the box he still held in his hand and smirked remembering what she had written under his short note. I want him to make love to me again. Sighing loudly, and knowing he would live to regret it, he shoved the box in his pocket and went to retrieve his wife.

He found her where he had left her, sitting on the ground looking out over the lake, wrapped in only a thin cloak and a fading warming spell, which she had obviously not cast correctly. She heard him clear his throat and turned away from him, not able to meet his eyes and not wanting to talk to him while she still fought for what to say. He slid to the ground behind her, placing one leg on either side of her, and pulled her back into his body, holding her tightly as she struggled to get away.

"For once in your life be still and listen to me," he demanded. "It is cold and I am tired, too tired to fight with you."

"Is this when you tell me you want me as a fuck buddy with no strings attached?" She twisted against him, pulling at his arms, trying to pry them off her. "Well, push off Snape. I don't want that."

"No, this is where I tell you I want the strings, and although taking you to my bed would be nice, I want more."

She stopped struggling and felt his arms loosen. Turning around to look at his face, she saw him looking out at the lake. "I am down here."

"I know where you are," he sighed. "This is hard for me. I hope you know that."

"You think it is easy for me? I decided I would hate you." She bit her lip as he looked down at her face. "You seem to prefer people that hate you."

"How's it working out?" He raised his eyebrow and gave her a quizzical look.

"Not too well," she sniffed. "When did it happen that everyone I know got on your side? I swear, every time I wanted to complain about you, all I heard was how you had changed and that I should be nice to you. Neville even told me not to move into the new chambers I found because it may upset you."

"I would not have cared," he said quietly. "I built them for you."

Hermione felt her stomach fall. She had thought he had not cared, had not wanted her, but now he was admitting how much he cared. She wiped her eyes and knew this was as close to a declaration of love as she would get for now, or possibly ever.

"I want to talk about the strings," she said evenly. "And don't …"

"Shut up," he leaned down and covered her mouth with his, feeling her relax at once. "That's better, I like you quiet sometimes."

"Yes, yes it is better," she grinned and pushed him back onto the ground then climbed up and straddled his chest.

"You are incorrigible," he muttered. "Now get up, the ground is wet and I am too old for this."

"You could smile you know. I can count the number of times I have seen it on one hand. Only, I think it may have been gas. However, now that I have your attention," she twisted and looked behind her at the bulge in his trousers, "all of it so it seems, we need to talk."

"Talk then," he said flatly. "See if you can do so in under three minutes. This is most… unseemly."

"I can take a lot from you. I can take you ignoring me if you are in a bad mood. I can take your sarcastic remarks and the way you say things about my friends just to be hateful. I think I can take you ordering me around as long as you understand I won't do everything you say. Well, I won't do a lot of it I trust. But I won't take you not trusting me, or not talking to me about things that are important. I told you once already, and then you went off and listened to Poppy instead of coming to me." She leaned down and kissed him quickly, then sat up on his chest looking down at him. "Your turn."

He reached up and traced her jaw line with his thumb, scowling at her. "What I said in my office when you first came here still holds. Nothing more, nothing less. Now if you get off me long enough, I have something in my pocket that may fit you."

"If it is a new pair of knickers, I'll hex you." She grinned and slid off him, sitting on her heels.

He handed her the box and watched her carefully as she opened it, surprised to see tears flood her eyes. "You said that is what you wanted. If you had not destroyed my office you would have had it long ago."

She nodded, unable to talk as she removed the grooms ring and slipped it on his finger, looking up at him, she held out the box. "I don't need, or even want a wedding, but I want you to do this."

He frowned, took the ring out of the box and roughly grabbed her hand, putting the ring on her finger and watching as it adjusted to fit her. "Is that all you require?"

"No, but I don't think we want to do that here," she said with a smirk and had started to stand up when he pulled her up and into him.

"Know this, Hermione, I want this. I want you, nothing else, for no other reason than I want to be selfish and have you."

"I love you Severus Snape." She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. "Now come, take your wife to bed before she ravishes you out here for everyone to watch."

"You do not want a wedding?"

"Gods no. I want to be your wife not your bride." She smiled at him and slid her hand under his elbow. "I want to wear your ring, not a white dress, and I want to eat breakfast with you, not have a cup of tea with Ginny discussing shoes and makeup. Now, if that is asking too much I can floo Molly Weasley and have her go on the look out for someone else, but if …"

He leaned down and captured her words in his mouth, waiting until she started to laugh, then stood up and began pulling her up to the castle.

.

.

.

Hermione woke and tipped up her chin from where it rested on his chest. She grinned and closed her eyes again fighting back a giggle that was building in her. She lay still for a couple more minutes then carefully rose up onto her knees and looking down at him, lowered her head and licked his chest. Slowly moving up to his throat, she felt, rather than heard his chuckle, and by the time she had reached his chin, his hands had entwined in her hair and pulled her mouth to his quicker.

After a deep kiss, he sat up and pushed her onto her back. "I expect that kind of wake up every morning."

"And I expect that kind of tuck in every night," she giggled, smiling widely.

"You, my dear, should have picked a younger wizard if you think I can keep that up every night."

"Oh." She tried to pout at him. "Maybe you need to start taking a nap once a day. You know, rest, build up your strength. I'm free after lunch."

"I see," he said with a smirk, looking down at her naked breasts and lifting the sheet to see more. "What do you plan on doing before lunch?"

She reached up and drew a circle around his mouth with her finger. "I want my husband to make love to me."

"Oh?"

She lifted her head, peeked down at him and nodded her head. "I think now would be a great time and you seem up for it."

"Should we go outside and find a wall or will my bed do?"

"Here if you don't mind," she frowned at him. "I thought I would never see you again you know. When you left with Lucius that night, what you said, it hurt."

He leaned down and kissed her, then straightened back up. "I will often say things you don't like. I think that was number two on your list."

She nodded and felt her stomach fall. "You read all of them?"

"Twice."

"And?"

"I think honesty is important," he said flatly.

"I never said you didn't. That was not on the list. But I could add it to the pro side."

"No, you said you couldn't talk to me, number seven. If you can't talk to me, how do you expect to be honest?"

"I'll try, but … you have to give me time. You spit out questions too fast sometimes and make me feel like you are trying to catch me in a lie or are grading me for an exam."

He leaned down and kissed her neck, then moved up and kissed the shell of her ear. "Feel good?"

He waited until she whispered her answer before lowering his head again and finding her nipple, kissing it gently and pulling it into his mouth.

"Better?" Again, he waited before gently sucking on the other. "More?"

He stroked down her body and kissed her eyes, then lifted her hands over her head, pinning them down, and waiting for her to say something. "What do you want?"

"Severus, please," she arched her back and undulated under him.

He smirked and moved over her, kneeling between her thighs. "Slow enough?"

"Severus, what…" she started as he leaned down and captured her mouth.

"You said I spit out questions too quickly. I thought I should practice going slow."

"Now is not a good time to think." She wrenched her arms from his grasp then wrapped them around his neck and pulled him down to her eagerly. "You over-think everything."

"What was that? Number twelve?" he sniggered, his hand moving lightly over her labia. .

"No, number twelve, not everything is about potions," she ground out, sucking in a breath and his fingers slipped into her.

He pulled away from her, quickly rolling to the side and lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling, breathing through his mouth and closing his eyes, trying to regain his composure. "I think we better put this off until lunch like you had originally suggested. You are wrong about number twelve."

"What?" she gasped sitting up and looking at him. "After that you want to stop? That's not fair!"

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on his trousers, looking at her darkly. "I had not planned on this."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Hermione, at this time yesterday I did not expect to have a witch in my bed. You may have noticed the lack of contraceptive potions on your night stand."

She blanched and grabbed the sheet, pulling it up around her as she smiled weakly at him. "I guess we have just been lucky."

"Lucky?" He frowned at her. "You didn't take anything before?"

"I don't usually take a vial to the library just in case some git wants to …"

"The night you came here?"

"No."

He looked at her and shook his head. "Remind me not to have you give the sixth year girls their annual speech. I should have asked and not assumed that a witch set on seduction would have taken care of it."

"You're kidding?" She grinned. "When did you start giving girls sex talks?"

"Poppy does it. I just insist they have the information."

"And the boys?"

"Them I talk to in their fifth year, as Longbottom can't say intercourse without stuttering and clitoris makes him choke. By the time he could spit out sperm and conception we would have another first year being sorted."

"I could see a Muggle doctor if that would be easier."

"No, their methods are not safe, too many possible side effects and they interfere with your hormones. That, I will not allow."

"Not allow? If I chose to use …"

"Hermione," he put one knee on the bed and leaned over to cup her face in his hands. "Don't argue about this. They are not safe. Perhaps they affect Muggles differently, but ask Poppy about what can happen. There can be subtle changes in the body's balance… a chemical change that can affect your magic. I will not have you wreaking havoc once a month. You are difficult enough to deal with already without throwing in unstable magic to your monthly cycles. I am a patient man, but not that patient."

"You know when my monthly comes?"

"Yes," he said and she saw his lip twitch. "You throw things."

"Git," she smiled thinly.

"You do have a temper," he said evenly. "You also acquire a taste for chocolate, chew those quills you buy in town and prefer tub baths over showers. "

"How would you know that?"

"You use some sort of bubbles in your bath, it changes your smell," he admitted, looking at her sheepishly.

She nodded and reached up to kiss him, at loss of words to say how attentive he had been, then fell back with a sigh. "I will hold you to that lunch date."

"I'm hungry. I may want to eat early. Wait here for me." He scowled at her, and then turned back to the bed, pulled her up, wrapped the sheet tightly around her and dragged her out the door behind him. "On second thought I'll take lunch in the lab."


	22. Brunch with Friends

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 22**

**Brunch with Friends**

* * *

Severus stood in the new chambers that he had ordered constructed when in a moment of weakness he had envisioned a wife living with him. Now that they had moved in, he was quite pleased with the results, and stood smugly proud at how the quarters had turned out. His feeling of satisfaction had lasted until Hermione had unpacked the last box a month after they had moved in.

"_We need a cupboard in the bathroom. How could you have gone through all this work and not thought of where to put the towels? And I am sure that mirror was dragged in from someplace else, Severus. Look at it! It's ancient. All the backing is flaking off. Did __Millie__ drag it in?" _

He walked into the bath and looked at the tub, surprised she had not mentioned it, or paid attention to the shower that sat in the corner. The tile on the floor had come from Italy, and the granite used for the tub and sink had cost him a year's salary. Now, he looked around and thought where to tuck a cupboard and how to keep a wife happy.

That night he sat in his chair reading, his feet propped up on a footstool when she stepped up behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek.

"Bedtime," she giggled. "Oh, and, Severus, a box under the sink won't do. You know that, right? We need a proper cupboard."

"I need to finish this section."

She reached over his shoulder, plucked the book from his hands and read the spine, wrinkling her nose. "The Theory of Relative Weights to Mass in the Preparation of …. Really, Severus. Would you rather sit here reading by yourself or join me in bed?"

"My bookworm is questioning why I would want to read?"

"No, your wife wants you in bed."

He frowned and looked up at her. "Shall I bring the book? I only ask because I need to finish this before morning."

"Morning?" She turned the book over and read the spine again.

"I am taking brunch with Masters Givens and Maxus." He held out his hand waiting until she put the book in it.

"I am impressed," she said, raising her eyebrow. "Givens is rarely seen anymore. I hear he is quite the recluse."

He shrugged and sat back down with his book, flipped it open and lowered his head.

"You really do want to sit and read?"

"I need to review, Hermione."

"Review? So you have read that at least once already?" She pretended to pout, trying not to laugh and then untied her robe, showing him she wore nothing underneath it.

He laid the book down and stood up, grabbed her hand, and started to the bedroom. "You're insatiable."

"It's your fault," she laughed as she tore her hand away and raced ahead of him, jumping on the bed.

"Woman! I expect my witches to be sultry, sexy, alluring, not jumping around like a harlot."

"Shut up," she said laughing up at him. "You love it and you know it."

He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled off his boots. "Hermione, the others will be bringing their wives. I would be appreciative if you could see fit to join me tomorrow."

"This is more than meeting your cronies for bunch?" She leaned forward and peeked around his arms to look at his face.

"Yes."

"Well? Are you going to tell me or make me guess?"

"I have been invited to present my theory of preparations at the next symposium. If I am successful my text will become the accepted standard and be taught at…"

"My gods, Severus! Why haven't you said anything? This is huge. The Committee for the Oracle of Delphi wants you to speak?"

"In order for me to tell you, I would have to keep you out of bed or whisper it into your ear while you are climaxing. Forget that, I would have to yell, you would never hear a whisper."

"Stop it," she picked up a pillow and threw it at his back. "I don't see you protesting."

"I take my husbandly duties seriously, and I like the thought of being the first wizard to have _sex_ listed as the cause on my death certificate."

"Good thing or I may have to find a younger substitute," she laughed. "I could trade you in for two twenty-year olds. So any time you're not up to it, just let me know and I'll start looking. I don't think I would be so nervous now down at the Hogs Head."

He turned to her and pushed her down to the bed, pinning her shoulders and glaring at her. "Don't talk like that."

"I … it was a joke," she whispered, seeing the darkness that had come over him. "Severus! A joke. I didn't …"

His mouth came down on hers, crushing against her lips, as his hands slid behind her and lifted her up, he sat back on his heels pulling her up with him, holding her so tightly she couldn't breathe, she brought up her hands, trying to wedge them between her and his chest.

"You're hurting me," she gasped, looking into his eyes. "I'm…"

"Turn around," he said flatly, pushing her robe down and off her arms, then moved to flip her over to her stomach.

"Severus, if you…"

"Shhh," he leaned over her back and whispered in her ear. "Get on your knees."

She did as he told her, feeling him position himself. He entered her quickly, rougher than he ever had. She pushed back, trying not to cry as she matched his rhythm. She lowered her head, and fell to her elbows when he thrust too hard and too deep, a sob escaping her. He put one hand on the bed next to her head to support his weight, and wrapped his other arm around her throat, pulling her back up and into him.

"Severus," she gasped as he began to stiffen, to hold her too hard, to lower his head to bite the back of her neck. "I'm sorry, don't, please…

He stilled as he emptied into her, hearing her on the fringes of thought, then taking a deep breathe rolled to her side. Gently he reached his arm around her waist and pulled her down with her back into his chest.

They lay together a few minutes before he could find his voice. "If you don't like it that way… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have … I'm sorry."

"No, it's not that … you scared me."

"Hermione? Did I hurt you?"

"No, not … not really." She turned to her back and looked up at him. "Severus, I didn't mean what I said, you know I was joking. You know that, right?"

"Even if you had not, it gave me no right to treat you like that."

"You've never done that before, and you didn't tell me what you wanted me to do." She reached her hand to his face and cupped his face, reaching her head up to kiss him.

"I am not used to being … to being with such a young witch," he rose up on his elbow and leaned down to kiss her. "If you ever don't feel comfortable, or want me to stop, tell me."

"I tried to," her eyes welled with tears.

He pulled her close and buried his face in her hair. "We'll think of something, so it doesn't happen again. You have to tell me to stop before it goes so far I can't."

"And you need to tell me what you want." She tried to smile at him, but felt tears coming.

"What's wrong, Hermione?" he whispered.

"I don't know," she cried, flinging her arms around his neck.

"Hermione, if you are not honest in bed where can you be?" He pulled her arms down from his neck and pulled her to his chest, forcing her head down to his shoulder.

"You started to say something else before you called me young. Severus, I am not that young and not naïve, well, maybe a little about things like this. You tell me to be honest then hide what you are saying. You have to be honest with me too."

"Hermione," he sighed. "I have more experience in these things, and am used to … this is not a conversation that I think we should have."

"You don't like the way I do it?"

"Stop," he chuckled. "I have never seen a witch so … eager."

"Is that a bad thing?" She lifted her head to look at him. "Would you rather I tease you, dress sexy, and make you jump through hoops or just tell you I want you in bed?"

He smirked at her and pushed her head back down. "No, I like the way you come to me. In the past, however, it has been my experience that witches as aggressive as you are more…worldly."

She lifted her head again to look at him. "You mean they like it rougher? Like what else?"

"Hermione, I don't think we need to discuss my past … partners."

"If I had an ex I know damned well you would want to know the details. Well, maybe not the details, but the … you know … the basics."

He sat up and pushed her onto her back. "I am not used to making love. There, are you happy?"

"You're kidding?" She laughed at him, quickly sobering as she saw his face grow hard again.

"No. What I just did to you was about _sex_, not _love_. Sex I am quite familiar with, it is the love side of it I am having a hard time dealing with, as you are having a hard time with having just sex. And yes, in the past it has been rough sex on occasion."

She turned her head away form him and felt tears instantly fill her eyes. "I thought you …"

"I do." He pulled her face back and sighed seeing she had squeezed her eyes shut. "But I would be lying if I didn't admit that on occasion I just want to feel it, to let go."

"I don't think I'd like one without the other."

"Hermione, look at me." He waited until she opened her eyes and wiped her face. "I mean it. If I ever do something you do not want, tell me to stop. I do not want to hurt you, or scare you. You also should know that since you have shared my bed I have not wanted anyone else, and that means since the time you first came here from the Burrow."

"You can't say it. Even now, you can't say _I love you_."

"Shall I show you?" His eyes travelled down her body as he began to grin.

"Can I say no?" she whispered and bit her lip. "I think I need a few minutes to … I don't know… I feel …"

"This is one place you can lose control, Hermione," he entwined his hands in her hair, holding her head in his hands while he fell hungrily to her mouth. "You can tell me no, or you can bring your passions with you. Love, anger, fear, they are all part of you and I want to know them."

She pulled him down and wrapped her legs around his thighs, arching her back, digging her nails into his shoulders, his words giving her the permission she needed to let go and seek what she needed. Enabling her to let go of her control and lose herself in him, instead of just giving to him. She released in a flood of tears and longing, and in her fear, she trembled over the edge, even as she felt him stiffen and flow into her.

Allowing him to pull her to his chest, she let her sobs come free and cried into his shoulder unashamed.

"Hermione, talk to me."

"He scared me. He said he would hurt me." She lifted her tear streaked face to his. "When you turned me around all I could see was him."

"Who?"

"Greyback, at Malfoy's Manor, when they caught me, he said he would bite me when he was _done _with me. He said he wanted to… to _have _me. I know what he wanted and … sometimes … at night… I still hear him."

"He is dead, Hermione. You no longer have to fear him."

"I know, but sometimes at night, when I dream, he is there with the rest. Sometimes I think I can still smell him like I did at the final battle just before he tried to get to Lavender."

"Shhh," he sighed as his fingers entwined her curls and pulled against them softly. "He is gone, Hermione, it is only me here with you. Perhaps he has left you now since you have faced your fears of him. If I have learned anything, it is not to give your fears shelter. Put them in the open and they will leave."

"In my dream he pushes me down, and then…" she whispered unable to finish.

"I know." He stared up at the ceiling, cursing the dead monster then kissed the top of her head. "Sleep, for now sleep, but you need to find a way to put him behind you. You need to talk about him, and your fears of him. You need to bring him into the light and see there is nothing to fear."

"It's hard," she whispered. "I sometimes… like the floo…the smell of the soot, the … Severus? Can we not talk about him now? Not now, not tonight?"

"Sleep," he said softly, pulling her head down on his shoulder and holding her close.

.

.

It was still dark out when she felt him slip out of bed. Keeping her eyes closed she listened to him run the shower and frowned hearing the sounds of him dressing.

"Severus?" she sat up looking at him strangely.

"Go back to sleep. It's early."

"Whatever are you doing up?"

"Marcus Bonner has been taken ill."

"Ill? What's wrong with him?" she pulled the sheet around herself and crawled out of the bed. "Why are they contacting you? He isn't due back until September."

"He is on the curse wing."

She swallowed hard and looked at him carefully. Picking up her wand from the nightstand, she raised the level of the lights and turned back to him.

"They think you will recognize the curse?"

"Since I am still here talking to a naked witch and not in St. Mungo's I have no idea, but it is a fair guess."

"Number ten. You snark at me."

"Go back to sleep. I'll come back and wake you up the way you have grown accustom to," he chuckled.

She padded over to him and reached up to kiss his cheek. "You go on. It's five already. If I am going to be your doting wife at brunch, I have to know a little more about your work. It'll give me a few hours to get familiar with the presentation."

"I told you it was up to you. You need not attend if you would rather not."

"Go see about him. Leave me a portkey or open the access to allow me to travel alone. I'll meet you there if you don't have time to make it back."

He stood to go, reached for her and pulled her into a hug. "I enjoyed last night."

She blushed at his reference to her wanton behaviour and lowered her head, as he followed her down and kissed her neck. "The more you relax and forget all else, the better it can be."

"That's what you did, but you just need to warn me next time. So I won't be scared, but I think I liked the just sex part." She grinned. "We can try it again tonight."

"I am sorry, wife," he frowned as he traced her lips with his thumb. "Next time tell me to stop."

She lifted her head and nodded at him. "Get out of here now, before I drag you back in this bed."

"Yes, Mrs. Snape, to activate the portkey say... sexy." He headed to the fireplace where he grabbed a candle from one of the holders and converted it to a portkey, then flooed to St. Mungo's.

She sat at his desk and started going over his notes, comparing what he had in his numbered journals with the footnotes on each page. She became lost in time and did not notice the hour until Millie tapped her on the arm and told her it was time to leave. Disappointed and a little nervous to go without him, she grabbed her jumper, and headed to fireplace where she grabbed the portkey, giggled as she said the password and spun to meet him.

As soon as her feet touched down and she realized where she was, she wanted to step back into a floo and disappear. The Gamba was only open at this hour to the witches and wizards, not welcoming Muggles until lunch hour, and then later for dinner. Many from the magical world took advantage of this separate time, and would get together in the normally Muggle venue for the fine fare and to be seen in the right place at the right time.

She saw Severus' scowl as he approached her, his eyes taking in her trainers and jeans. Knowing she was an embarrassment she offered to leave, almost begging him to reactivate her portkey. He took her elbow, walked her to a spot near the wall and put his body between her and the rest of the room.

"Bonner died."

"Did you know him other than through Hogwarts?"

"No, I only met him once when he was hired, but a new spell and his new job with a former death eater was brought up," he spat.

"They are idiots."

"That has always been my observation as well. The Givens are already here, we need to go in."

"Great and I look like shite."

"Headmaster Snape?" A voice caused Hermione to look over Severus' shoulder to see an elderly and very distinguished looking wizard.

Severus slowly turned and nodded. "Master Maxus, it is good to see you again. It has been much too long."

"Yes," Maxus smiled thinly, his eyes going to Hermione. "You remember my wife?"

"Yes," Severus lifted the hand of the small white-haired witch and pressed the back of her hand to his lips. "It was some time ago, at a rather long winded presentation if memory serves."

"Yes it was," Mrs. Maxus smiled warmly. "I have of late used my age to avoid such presentations. However, I am looking forward to attending one more where those old relics will be put on their arses. If you make me yawn young man, I will never forgive you."

Hermione smiled as Severus' leaned forward and kissed the witch on her wrinkled cheek.

"Never did like the lad you know," Master Maxus said to Hermione with a chuckle. "She will keep after me for a week now about how damned polite and how much a gentleman he is. She is sweet on him. Has been such since he was a wee one up at that school he runs now."

Severus' chuckled, causing Hermione to look up at him. She had never thought of the fact that all the potions Masters would know each other and be familiar with each other's families. Realizing that she was guilty of believing the same thing the students had said about him being friendless, she felt her face colour and she reached for his elbow, and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I believe I have embarrassed your young friend, Severus, if that is possible," he laughed. "You must be a very bright young witch, my dear. Your Master has never taken on a witch before, although we have often encouraged him to do so, and now he brings you."

"Thomas, this is my wife, Hermione," he spoke evenly, but Hermione saw the pulse in his throat, begin to beat faster. "Hermione, Thomas Maxus and his wife Lydia."

"Master Maxus." Hermione held out her hand, and seeing his hesitation, knew she had done the wrong thing. "Mrs. Maxus."

"I take it your wife is Muggle born, Severus," Lydia said coldly, her eyes travelling down, stopping on Hermione's shoes. "You will need to teach her better."

Thomas took Lydia's arm and started into the dinning area, leaving the Snapes to follow.

"I should leave," Hermione looked around the restaurant, avoiding her husband's eyes.

"We will speak later." He took her arm roughly and pulled her along. "It could be worse."

"How?"

"You could have met Gloria first," he said with a sneer. "I should have mentioned it was not … Muggle casual, it is entirely my fault."

She was relieved once the introductions were over and she could sit, putting her trainers under the table and hiding her jeans. Trying to sit quietly and answering in the simplest sentences she could, deferring to Severus when Lydia wanted to make future plans, Hermione felt ill at ease and sorry she had agreed to come.

Gloria Givens was not nearly as old as Lydia, but managed to make Hermione feel much more like a child. It wasn't until the dishes were cleared away, and an after meal drink served, that the topic of Severus' work was brought up. The three wizards left for the bar to have a brandy, leaving the wives to become better acquainted. She watched them walk away, feeling abandoned and alone in a den of wolves.

"You do understand your role in this? No, I imagine not." Gloria smiled coldly. "You will be expected to attend the hearings. That is if it gets that far. His _wife_ will be under every bit of the same scrutiny ."

"Hearing?" She turned to Lydia, setting her glass down as her hand began to shake.

"If it is decided that his work has merit, he will have to defend it in front of a panel. I am sure he will give you the details of the process," Lydia offered.

"And she will be expected to attend the social events. You know how the French are. Of course the Germans will want her input as well." Gloria turned back to Hermione smugly. "They believe, correctly so, that a man's wife should be of help in his work. That a Potions Master, elevated to the highest level our world recognises, will also raise his wife's status."

"I find his work easy to follow and well presented. However, I have been thinking he may have to include a simplified explanation for those not up to his level of understanding," Hermione said, locking her eyes on Gloria. "If you are worried about my understanding my husbands work you can stop. I am currently Madam of Charms and Spells, so an academic in my own right."

"I am worried about your fitting in, my dear. This will be a very different group than you are obviously used to dealing with. Appearances do matter, in our world," Gloria purred, "much more so than your world's generation seems to understand."

"Now, Gloria, don't worry our young friend here. She has a few months to prepare," Lydia sniffed. "Will you be attending the conference? They are dreadfully boring, and of no real use to the wives. We sit and fall asleep. It is quite acceptable to stay back. In your case I suggest it."

"Term will be starting and we have already decided I will stay at Hogwarts," she bravely lied, hoping she could explain to Severus why she had done so.

"Ah," Lydia looked up, "here they come. It must be time for the Muggles to start coming in. I do like to be out when they arrive."

It took Severus another fifteen minutes to leave gracefully. He politely gave his appreciation, and again kissing Lydia's hand, managed to herd them toward the fireplace, shaking hands and greeting the other members in attendance. Hermione stood back, waiting nervously for Severus, until he nodded at her to enter the floo, and took her back to Hogwarts.

"Why the portkey if their floo is connected?" She threw her jumper down and turned to glare at him. "I could have left. If I had known, I would have."

"You just answered your own question," he ran his hands through his hair. "That went well don't you think Mrs. Snape?"

"That Gloria is a cow, and your dear friend Lydia was more than condescending, she was down right rude."

"You were a guest," he said evenly. "Lydia is a dear friend, Hermione. I will not tolerate…"

"Okay, I am sorry." She grabbed her jumper and headed to the bedroom.

"We'll talk when I get home. Kingsley was at the hospital this morning. He wants to try to head off Draco's appointment to the vacancy Dobbin's death creates."

"It just keeps getting better," she muttered as she threw her jumper on the chair and flopped on the bed, hearing the floo activate as he left. Rolling over to look at the clock she saw the vial she had forgotten to take last night.

"Fuck!" she cried out, jumping of the bed and racing for her wand, afraid it was already too late.


	23. Staying Home

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 23**

**Staying Home**

* * *

Hermione sat on the windowsill looking out at the lake, her eyes red and swollen. It had been hours since he had left. Knowing he would be with Kingsley or sitting in the dreary boardroom with the governors of Hogwarts, she could not very well send him an owl. When the spell had showed a steady green light at the end of her wand, with a weak thread connecting it to her abdomen, she had blanched and sat down as a wave of dizziness washed around her making her want nothing more than him to be with her.

Now she sat and thought of the work he faced, she decided to wait to tell him. She could try the charm again. Why worry him needlessly? Even her text had a long lengthy section on false positives. She had read all the cautions to withhold celebrations until the spell was verified at the two-week mark. Celebrate, she laughed nervously, as if Severus would celebrate a pregnancy. She had poured the contraceptive down the drain, taking it now could be dangerous for the foetus_. If there is a foetus_, she thought.

She moved to her vanity, and looked at her face in the mirror, thinking of what to do. She couldn't take the potion now, not until she knew for sure, but in not taking it she was running further risks. If she was not pregnant, two more weeks without using the potion while being with him would only heighten the possibility. _Two weeks_, she thought. She needed to hide her fears for two weeks.

She rummaged in his desk and found the timetable for the convention. Thinking how busy he would be revising and getting ready, and the work he still had to complete, she thought she could do it. She wouldn't take his mind off his work now and ruin his chances. She would wait. She would wait, and in the meantime help him with his final revisions and get ready for the new term.

Now, she sat and wondered what to do about the wreck that had been brunch. How to undo the damage she had already done in the eyes of his peers. How to make up for the disappointment she had caused him by her ignorance of pure-wizarding ways and out of date manners, and how to help him with overcoming the problems Draco would cause.

Molly Weasley had been the first one she thought of to go to for help with learning the pure etiquette she would need. Then thinking about her chaotic house and Molly's aversion of the old fashion world, she thought against it. Minerva McGonagall was enjoying her retirement, travelling the continent to all the places she had dreamed of, and other than Neville's grandmother, who she would not trust with a dead fish, she had no one to teach her the proper manners she so sorely needed.

In the Muggle world she could have counted on one of the thousands of books that covered etiquette, how to act at a high tea, or the difference in manners between even the north and south of the U.K. A search of Hogwarts' library had turned up nothing, which further depressed and surprised her.

Severus found her where she sat on the windowsill, her head lolled to the side, her mouth hanging open, sound asleep. Squatting down in front of her, to make sure she did not fall to the floor when he woke her, he laid his hand on her arm, seeing her eyes fly open.

"You're home," she muttered, still waking up, rubbing the heels of her hands over her eyes. "I must have dozed off."

"We need to talk," he said, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Just give me a minute, maybe a pot of tea?"

"You've been crying," he said softly, tipping up her chin to look at her face. "It did not go that badly. Lydia seemed quite taken with you. I should have explained what you could have expected."

"It's nothing, just sleep in my eyes. Let me wash up a bit first."

He nodded and ordered a tea service from the kitchen while she ran to the loo and splashed cold water on her face to help her wake up and take the redness from her eyes. Hearing the sound of china from the outer room she sighed, and knew she could not put off facing him any longer.

"So," she said flatly and sat where Severus had already set her cup. "I made a right arse of myself today."

"I should have thought to tell you what to expect."

"You think?"

"It never occurred to me that you wouldn't know basic manners."

"I do, just not yours."

"I meant nothing by it Hermione." He scowled. "You should have offered your hand to be kissed and not looked directly at him."

"And dressed appropriately, and not spoken to their wives until I was introduced, and… I get it now."

"It was my fault. When you went shopping, I should have _insisted_ you buy traditional dress and not just _suggested_ it. When you accepted my invitation, I assumed you had. Hermione, I on occasion forget how young you are."

"Don't pull the age card on me," she smiled thinly. "Now what? I've read up on the Delphi Committee. It is sort of like the academia in the Muggle world, not so very different, only here the wife has to be acceptable in her own right. As archaic as that is, I understand it. Severus, I am so sorry, I know you have worked years on this."

"Lydia has offered to … mentor you. She seems quite taken with you. Do not mistake her ….frank manner with dislike. I will say that Gloria dislikes everyone so I hope you did not put any credence in what she said."

"To teach the little Muggle?" she snorted.

"Hermione, Lydia is a hundred- and-twenty-five. She has earned her place and you will treat her graciously."

"You heard her! You heard all those little barbs!"

"I heard a blunt old woman correcting the fact that I did not give my wife the training she needed. Do you think she did not intend what she said for me? Just the fact that she said nothing about your sitting down before Thomas was a concession to you. He was the senior wizard in the setting, and as such you were to accord him the most respect."

"I thought the ladies always sat … Okay, so I don't know how they do things here, but she has no right to look down her pure-blood nose at me."

His lip twitched and he leaned back in the chair fighting not to laugh. "Thomas brought his Muggle bride home to meet the parents, before telling her that he was a wizard. Quite the scandal from what I hear, but she was a fast learner, and soon had the world in the palm of her hand."

"She is not a witch? At her age?"

"No, not even a squib in someone's woodshed. However, if you are foolish enough to slight her for it, you are on your own. Trust me, the halls of academia are littered with witches who thought they could get around her by casting aspersions on her birth."

"I'll be damned."

"You will if you mistreat her. She is much loved in her circle, and I am quite fond of her," he smirked at her. "She thinks four hours a day for two weeks should enable you to get through the process, but says if you plan on four she can do it properly, enough for you to be comfortable in any setting."

"That's forty hours," Hermione wrinkled her nose.

"Fifty-six, you don't get weekends off. Remember, if you plan on attending functions with me, and it is entirely up to you, you must also learn the differences in the countries we will have to visit. I don't suggest this for myself, I want you comfortable as I said."

"Whatever can she spend that much time on?" Hermione laughed.

"You have been sheltered. You lived at Hogwarts, and then in Muggle London with another Muggle born, at least for all purposes Potter is as Muggle-born as are you. I had the … benefit … of having been under Malfoy's wing. As distasteful as that now sounds, it did give me a good background on which to draw. Hermione, this society is very Victorian. However, the manners on which they draw are even older and much more formal. Even the fact that you sit with your ankles crossed is seen as a thoughtless rudeness in some quarters. "

"You want me to do this?" She uncrossed her ankles and saw his lip twitch.

"I would appreciate it, but will not ask it of you. I know it sounds like a lot of time, but you saw what happened. I do not want you uncomfortable in social settings of this type. I frankly do not care what they think of you or you of them, but there may come a time when you have need of the committee to further your own career."

"They thought I was your apprentice. That made a good first impression." She rolled her eyes, and leaned back in her chair, cradling her cup in both hands. "They thought better of me before you told them who I was."

"An apprentice would have been wearing student robes with an insignia, not tight jeans and a top that showed cleavage, and I would not have brought a whore, it's not … proper. Since a wife would never appear in public the way you were dressed, they thought you were my concubine."

"Owl Lydia. I give up." Hermione said flatly, swallowing hard. "Now, what about Draco?"

"We may want to wait until morning," he stood and walked to his liquor cabinet. "If you don't want to go to bed angry, that is. However, that may be interesting in itself. I can get to see a new side to you."

Hermione looked at the glass he held out to her and thought of the possible foetus, shaking her head she stood to pour herself a second cup of tea. "I have to study tonight. I am going to start editing those last few chapters, and then I thought to go back and proof read."

He raised his eyebrow and frowned. "I do not expect that of you."

"You can use the help, and I could use the refresher." She shrugged and crossed the room, sitting in the chair by the window rather than on the sofa where she normally sat next to him.

"We have problems, Hermione. I am sorry to say they will affect you as well."

"He's got the position." She looked at him coldly. "So nothing you or Kingsley said did any good."

"I am afraid not. The days of the Headmaster of Hogwarts controlling the school are over," he smirked and poured himself a drink. "It's starting again. I can feel it. That, and I ran into Lucius last month who was almost beside himself with glee over reactivating the dark marks."

"You said it will affect me."

"The opening is in Muggle Studies as you well know."

"And everyone knows Draco would be the last one to take on that class."

"As much as I want him to fail so badly they kick him out on his arse, I also do not want him interacting with the students in that class. He and Kingsley talked, and whatever transpired, Kingsley believes him."

"And you?"

"I trust Kingsley. However, I must say I am still unconvinced as to Draco's sudden conversion."

"Okay, Pot… isn't that what everyone thought of you?"

"It was, but it was different times and I did not … I did not have a father that could hold power and control in this world." He looked at the amber fluid in his glass, then tipped it up and swallowed it in one gulp. "Now, about Draco, he cannot have Muggle Studies."

"And since I have charms, that he originally wanted … is that it Severus?"

"Again I would appreciate ..."

"Right, but not ask," she said flatly. "After everything I went through to get this job and now you want me to quietly step aside for the ferret!"

"You filled out an application. I do not see that as an overly complicated procedure."

"I was in the infirmary for two days! I could have died! And now you want me to just roll over and give my position to him?" she raged at him.

"I told you the decision is yours." He folded his arms and looked down his nose at her, unwilling to argue with her. "If you decide to stay in you assigned lessons so be it. I will deal with Draco in my own way."

"The only reason we are together in the first place is because I came for that job." She jumped up and began pacing in front of the fireplace, angrily stomping back and forth. "It's the only reason you wanted me here. It was a way to keep Draco away! I was too stupid to see it, now you are taking that away from me, what do you expect me to say?"

"Hermione, it is not the only reason I wanted you here. You should know that by now."

"Shut up, Snape!" she spat. "Fine, you want my position back? Take it, take it and shove it up his arse. He won't get my lesson plans though. I would rather burn them than let him take my work as his own!"

"Hermione." He crossed to her and took her by the arms. "Don't do this. You need to think about this rationally and calmly. There is the benefit of having him close, to watch him."

"I am calm," she looked up at him with her chin trembling. "Did you ever really want me that day? Or was that just your way of getting the little idiot to stay? Fuck you Snape! Fuck you to hell! It has all been a joke! A bloody joke that I fell for!"

"I will be in my office when you calm down and want to discuss this rationally." He turned his back on her and walked to the door.

"I am calm! What am I to do? Take lessons on manners? Am I to teach little firsties how to buy a train ticket? It that all I have left?" She screamed at his back. "You knew this when I was being examined at the restaurant. You knew this but let me sit there and go on about my work! You son of a bitch! What do you expect from me?"

He turned and glared at her. "I once told you I expected nothing more than peace in my home."

"I wanted more, do you understand? I wanted more than teaching and more than giving in every time someone else wants something that I have worked so hard for. First the Ministry takes everything away, now you expect me to give in and let go of what little I have."

"It is your choice, Hermione. I told you that. If you are adamant to keep your position it is yours, I only asked that you consider it."

She watched him stride out of the room before slumping to her knees and sobbing. The rug had just been pulled out from under her, all the little things piling up higher than she could hope to reach. She scrambled to her feet and fled the room, needing to get out of the room that all of a sudden seemed to choke her. Hoping to find Neville, a friend she would feel safe with, she hurried to find him.

It was after midnight when Neville walked her back to her rooms. He had encouraged her to talk to the Headmaster calmly and without tears. Pointing out the Headmaster made decisions based on logic and rational thought rather than what he believed to be unnecessary emotion.

She had not told him about her forgetting to take the potion, or what she feared to be true, only blabbering on about Draco and her lost position. Neville had listened to the rants, not saying a word until she was done and then through a series of questions she had found her own answers.

As they approached the door to the chambers, she sighed and turned to him. "Thanks, now I have to go in there and apologize for making an arse of myself and make up lessons plans for my new assignment. Muggle studies, do you believe that?"

"It gets easier," he grinned, "my first year here I started every sentence with _'I am sorry to ask you but'_."

"I know it will work out for the best. If the conference works out, he will have to put together an entirely new presentation and write up articles for every potions publication out there. I didn't realize everything this entailed. At least with Muggle Studies I won't have the work I had with a real class and will have more time to help him. I will even have time for my own research which is falling behind."

"It's rather like earning a Knighthood in the Muggle world. Only, here it is unsurpassable, like a Knighthood and Titled Noble rolled into one. Hermione, he will be rewriting the way potions have been prepared for centuries. Grand Master Maxus is the only one to have reached this level in years," Neville said.

"And Givens?"

"No, he tried but his theory was flawed. He still won't admit it and I dare say Grams says the rumours are that he will stand against Snape."

"I thought he was a friend."

"At the level Snape is going for there are no friends, only competitors."

"Thanks Neville," she flung her arms around his neck. "What would I ever have done without you?"

"Perhaps you would have been where you belonged, Mrs. Snape," Severus said from the doorway. "Mr. Longbottom, please return to your own chambers and in the future I will insist you do not … entertain … my wife in your private quarters."

"Headmaster," Neville bobbed his head down in a short bow. "I have escorted her home per your request."

"I trust you will not have the need to do so in the future," he glowered. "Your continued employment in these halls depends on it."

"Severus!" Hermione gasped. "You have no right, no right at all to insinuate something like that!"

"He is quite correct, Mrs. Snape. I should have thought to contact your husband or his house's elf," Neville said crisply, not taking his eyes off Snape. "I offer my apologises, Headmaster. It was most inappropriate."

"Accepted, Professor Longbottom, this time." Severus turned his glare on Hermione. "It is past bedtime, my _dear_."

Hermione proceeded to the second bedroom that had been turned into their joint office, and snatched up the journals she'd left in the middle of editing. Hearing Severus walk in behind her, she bit her lip as she pulled out her desk chair to sit, placing her back to him.

"Are you coming to bed?" he asked with an edge to his voice that she could not quite place.

"I need to spend some time on these or I will never get them finished. I'll be in shortly."

"I told you I do not expect you to do that. I can hire an editor."

"You can hire someone to dot the I's and cross the t's, but you need someone familiar with your methods and a smattering of potion ingredient knowledge to do it properly. I said I would, and I plan on finishing what I started."

"As you wish," he said flatly.

"Severus?" She turned to look at him. "I behaved badly. I said things I know are not true. I was … surprised, hurt and surprised that Kingsley would do this and I took it out on you."

"You were childish."

She walked over to him and put her arms around his waist, laying her head on his chest. "I know, and so were you with Neville. You owe him an apology."

"It is late," he sighed. "Come to bed wife."

"I'll say it again, and so were you with Neville."

"I cannot … it speaks to my past, I will talk to him tomorrow," he sighed. "I do trust you, Hermione, but it is hard. Now come to bed."

"I can't, not until I get some work done." She smiled up at him. "I will not have my husband unprepared, and from what I see, there is no way you can hope to get this done without my working late."

"Perhaps next time you will forego your time with Professor Longbottom instead of your time with me."

"Perhaps," she said, turning back to the desk, unable to look at his face. "You get your rest and leave me to work."

She heard him leave the room, and a few moments later heard their bedroom door close. Knowing that he had set out a vial of contraceptive potion and lay wondering what had happened to her, she put her head down on her arms and sobbed. She thought of Ginny who could be happy with a baby growing in her, knowing that her husband could love it, and of Molly who had seven children, each one wanted more than the last.

She lifted her head and stared at his journals. There was so much work to get done, and still twelve days before she would know for sure. No point in worrying him. No point in taking his focus off his work. She sat up and reached for the next journal that she needed to read, losing herself in books and parchment.


	24. Don't Tell Him

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breath**

**Chapter 24**

**Don't Tell Him**

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Draco had come the day before Severus was to leave for his week in France, and the first day of term. Knowing that Hermione would be in a rage, Severus had arranged the time for Draco's arrival to coincide with Lydia's lesson. He had planned to give Draco his old chambers in the dungeons, until a quick inspection made it crystal-clear that Hermione was using it for storage.

He shook his head seeing boxes of books, and sighing opened one to find she had kept even her first year texts. Walking through the rooms, he remembered the years he had spent here, the dark conversations he and Dumbledore had held in front of the fireplace, and the thousands of nights he had spent alone. Turning he strode to the bedroom and flung open the door, expecting to find the room empty of all personal effects.

The bed was piled with boxes, new robes, shoes and other purchases Hermione had made, and hidden here. Frowning he lifted the lid on one of the boxes from a London store and raised his eyebrow. If this was all there was to the dress he did not want her wearing it in public, nor the matching heels he saw laying on the bed. He dumped a sack upside down and saw the lace and sheer fabrics that fell out, clenching his jaw and wondering who she planned to impress since she had never seen fit to dress like this for him.

He snatched up one of the many receipts scattered on the bed among the boxes and felt a cold fist in his chest. She had not come to him since their argument, but as evidenced from the clothes she had bought since, she was obviously planning on going to someone. He threw down the small piece of parchment and strode out to the hallway.

"Headmaster?" Neville came walking toward him. "Mr. Malfoy is here. He is waiting in your office."

"Thank you Professor Longbottom." Severus reached out his hand and physically pushed Neville's shoulder, knocking him out of the way.

"Hey!" Neville was both surprised and confused. "You have no reason to be angry with me. It was Hermione's idea."

Severus rounded on him, his wand in his hand. "Explain yourself before I look for my answer."

"Weren't you just in your old chamber?" Neville swallowed hard.

"Yes."

"Then you saw," Neville looked at him strangely. "She said you wanted her to … listen Severus, you know Hermione and I go way back, and I may be comfortable talking to her about certain things, but lately you seem to be going back to your old ways, and quite frankly … I'm getting to old for this."

"Indeed," Severus lowered his wand, feeling his lip twitch. "Perhaps I was mistaken. What do you know about what she is doing in there?"

"She claims you want her to dress … umm, more."

"More?"

Neville smirked as Severus' eyebrow rose. "Exactly. If she finds out, I am telling you, she will hex me. And since she has already done it to me once, while you have only threatened, I need your word as a gentleman that this is between us."

"Professor Longbottom, am I to assume you are fearful of my wife?" he felt his lip begin to curl upwards.

"Bloody right I am." Neville nodded toward the door of the dungeons. "She bought a dress just in case … let's see how _did _she put it …_if some idiot remembers his anniversary_."

"When is it?" Severus asked flatly, feeling rather foolish holding his wand while he begged for information to keep his wife happy.

"Told her you didn't know," Neville laughed. "Next Monday, at least that's the date Gran tricked her into signing the papers."

"I see," Severus frowned. "Thank you Profe… Thank you Neville. Now, you said Draco is here?"

"Yes, he is in your office, and Hagrid has already left to take the boats across the lake to round up the first years. Filch suggested the rooms across from the potions lab for Draco. They are not as spacious, but… quite frankly they are rather shabby, but he felt they were good enough. You know Filch is not overly fond of him."

"Have his belongings brought down while I speak to him."

Severus watched Neville walking away, hoping he could believe him. It didn't make sense that she would be off buying clothes to impress him, while she avoided his bed. Then he thought of Monday, and figured she had made a list, with each item of clothing plotted and listed in the order that she should wear them. Shaking his head, he left to find Draco.

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Hermione watched Severus through the magic window as he strode purposely to the gate, biting her lip as she thought of the conference that would determine the value of his research. She was proud of him, prouder than she thought she would be, and worried. Too many still clung to the old views of him, too many would still prefer he had succumbed to the snake and would dismiss his life's work because of their dislike of him, not seeing the painstaking research, the years of study or the obvious benefit. Only seeing the perception of what they thought he was, or had been.

Lydia had been correct in her assessment that Hermione was not yet ready to spend a week in the old world academic venue. She had staged a formal French wizarding tea and scoffed at the errors Hermione made. Hermione had watched Severus from the corner of her eye, each time Lydia corrected her, and saw his disappointment.

"My dear child," Lydia chided her when she had apologized for yet another infraction. "It is difficult. It took me years before I felt accepted at all the functions. I can honestly say that this group is the hardest to deal with. They cling to the old ways, and if anyone should know what _that_ leads to, it is you. I know who you are Hermione _Granger-_Snape, and if you think one person there is on your side you are sadly mistaken. Oh, do not misunderstand me yet again, they will and did fight for your right to be here. Many have lost fathers and sons in the battle against Voldemort, but it is quite another thing to have you move in on what they see as their exclusive club."

"It is not a club. It is … it is a bastion of knowledge. It's for everyone," Hermione had argued.

"Talk to her, Severus." Lydia had patted his hand. "And for Merlin's sake, teach her when to shut up and pick her fights wisely."

Later Hermione had ranted at him and demanded that he take a stand and argue with them. She demanded that he stand up and publicly denounce them as a group, that he rail against them, and the fact that her being a Muggle born should matter. It was not fair, it was not right. He should be more aggressive, and fight the old codgers.

"Lydia did not once say the problem was your birth. I am a half-blood, or have you forgotten?" He had been amused watching her digest the information, sputtering and trying to come up with a retort. "Just accept it and learn to pick your fights as suggested. If you want to knit hats, I am sure Millie will leave them around the castle for you. Either fight what you perceive as injustice, where there is none, or do something to change it. The choice is yours. However, you will not change them this way."

"This is not some childish idea. This is your life's work. That's the point. It shouldn't be judged on who you are, or what you've done, but what you know! They should know you don't need them."

"Why would I denounce the very organization I need to get my work accepted? If it is not accepted at this level, it will not be taught in the schools where it is needed. St. Mungo's and other healers will never have the benefits." He had chuckled, and shook his head surprised when she had stormed out of the room, muttering about social injustice as she headed to the library.

He knew it would be difficult, and had not told her he would be the first non-pure-blood to be accorded this honour. He had faith that the other potions instructors would put aside their personal opinions and find the simplicity of what he had to say. He hoped she was wrong. He hoped that his work could stand on its own, and not need a famous name attached to it.

At first, she had wanted to go, but Lydia had agreed with Severus that an entire week spent in the sheer boredom of sitting in lecture after lecture would make it too easy to let her guard down and be lulled into carelessness. Lydia had laughed and told her stories of the much stricter times she had found when she first became the wife of a potions master and had blindly gone to a conference not only just learning the customs but the magical world as well.

Hermione smiled as she watched Severus' final turn, and heard the thunder of his Apparation, knowing he did it as a good bye to her. She had agreed to have dinner with him on Monday, their anniversary, and the fact that he had asked her to meet him first surprised her until she had seen Neville's smirk and knew he had not remembered by himself. It didn't matter, she grinned, she planned to a little surprise of her own.

She had found the dress in London. A window display in Harrods had tempted her inside, and once there she found a slinky form fitting red dress that shimmered when she walked and had to be worn with nothing underneath. Not able to do as the sales girl had suggested she charmed a thong to wrap invisibly around her, knowing she would be uncomfortable and imagine herself naked without some sort of knickers. She prayed that the pregnancy spell would show nothing, only that they were still just a couple, but either way she planned a different sort of seduction this time.

For two more days, she nervously waited for Monday. It was the end of the second week, the second time she cast the spell and the second time she was scared to see the truth. Pointing her wand at her womb, she saw the green light flare again, this time the connection strong and constant. She sat on the bathroom floor, with her hand over her stomach, silently crying, waiting for the natural maternal love she had always thought came with the discovery of pregnancy.

She drew up her knees and wrapped her arms around them and suddenly thought of her mother, who was so far away, and never would know. She wanted her, and she wanted to go home and go to her old bedroom and crawl under the old blue and green quilt that smelled of soap and sun. She wanted to hear her father come home and smell his pipe, and hear her mother complain that he was late. Sobs ripped her chest as she covered her mouth with her hands and squeezed her eyes shut knowing this was her home and she had no place else to go and no mother that would understand how she felt.

She stood up, looked in the mirror at her reflection and decided she would at least have tonight. If he wanted to yell at her, and blame her for a child he did not want, she would leave, and find somewhere to raise it herself. Potter's London house stood empty, and she knew she could find work in the Muggle world. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath to calm her nerves and resolved she could do it. Alone or without him, she could do it.

She snuck down to his old dungeon chambers where she had hidden the gown and heels. She dressed hurriedly, letting her hair fall down her back, and then brushed it to a sheen, using the Muggle hair products she had found. One look at the condition of the floo and she wrinkled her nose and decided to return upstairs to use her own.

As she walked slowly down the hall, not used to balancing atop the four inch heels, she saw Draco step out of the shadows.

"I thought I heard someone down here," he sneered coldly at her.

"Draco," she smiled thinly. "Is the floo in the potions lab still off the network?"

"Why, plan on leaving?" he looked down her body, letting his eyes linger as he did.

"My face is up here," she snapped. "The one in the Dungeons is so filthy I was hoping to find one better without going all the way back up."

"Husband away and little wife wants to play?" He stepped closer. "No need to leave. If you are _hungry, _I can take care of you here. You don't even need to wear a pretty new dress."

"Listen ferret, get out…" she was cut short when Draco put his hands on her shoulders and shoved her into the wall.

"You won't be going anyplace…yet." He leaned against her, pressing his body to hers.

"I'll hex you if…"

"I know you're not hiding a wand in that dress. I could see it if you were, but just to make sure." He held her with his body against the wall with his, as he put both hands at the neckline, ripping it down and exposing her.

"Bastard," she sobbed, trying to push him away, but unable to budge him. "He'll kill you, Draco. You know he will, now let me go. Let me go and I won't tell him, I promise… please."

She brought up her knee as hard as she could, only to have the tight dress impede her, falling short of her intended goal. She felt his hand pull her dress open where he had ripped it, and lower his head to her breasts as his hands somehow managed to find her wrists and push them to the wall, pinning her.

"No," she sobbed. "Draco, let me go. Please, you don't want to do this. You fought to get here, this will ruin it … just let me go...he'll hurt you, you know he will… please…"

He lifted up his head and grinned at her seeing her push her head back against the wall and close her eyes. Relaxing slightly he laughed at what he thought was her surrender, until she brought her head forward with enough force to head butt him with a resounding crack.

He staggered back, holding on to her left hand, as the right went to his head. "Bitch!"

She spun into him, putting her back as close to his chest as she could before slamming her heel down on his instep. As he tried to push her back, she pressed her hand towards his thumb and pulled her hand free, staggering and tripping, her feet coming out of her shoes, almost landing her on the floor. He brought his head up and looked at her with a fury that shocked her out of her terror and sent her running. Clutching the ripped gown around her, she was too scared to stop until she was in her chambers, then grabbing a handful of power she stumbled into the floo.

"Harry?" she sobbed, stumbling into the Potter's sitting room.

"My gods," Ginny jumped up and ran to her. "Harry! Come here!"

"I'm so sorry," Hermione's voice shook. "I just came without thinking. I needed to…"

"Oh honey," Ginny wrapped her arms around Hermione and looked up at Harry, who had just rushed into the room. "Get a blanket and then send an owl to Snape."

"No," Hermione snapped up her head. "No, he can't leave. He's worked too hard for this. Please?"

"I don't know," Harry squatted down in front of the two witches. "Gin?"

"Go get the blanket," Ginny jerked her head toward the door, wanting to get rid of him so she would find out how far the attack had gone.

She listened to Hermione tell her the story, as Harry brought the blanket and draped it around her shoulders. Ginny made Harry turn away while she pulled back the blanket and examined Hermione's back and buttocks. Pulling out her wand, she healed what bruises she could see, and smiled at Hermione weakly.

"I guess you're okay, but I don't like not telling him."

"Gin, he has worked on this for years. He has never been invited before and this time he is not only invited but will be the main speaker. _The_ speaker. This is his chance. His only chance, if he fails they may not give him another." She turned to Harry tearfully. "I still need the owl. I need to tell him I can't come, but please, don't say a word about this."

"Do you plan on letting Draco get away with this?" Harry asked incredulously.

"No! But not now, not tonight. What is my choice? I can't ruin this for Severus. I can tell him after the conference, when he comes home, but not now. He will come back and if he does, he loses his chance. It's just a few days, just a few more days. I'll tell him and I'll take care of Draco as soon as he comes home. Please? A week, not even that … I can't ruin it for him, please."

"He will have other chances," Ginny said gently.

"No he won't. If he isn't there to defend his position it could be years before they ask him again. This kind of conference is only held every five years. I can't, I won't ask him to wait five more years just so he can come home and hold my hand."

"He's going to be furious. You understand what you are saying?" Ginny turned Hermione's head towards her to make sure she was listening.

"Hermione, if anyone did this to Ginny I would want to know, and if she didn't tell me … I can't even tell you how mad I would be." Harry squatted down next to them, looking at Ginny.

"I know, I know, but I can't. You have to just trust me on this. Harry, he has given up so much, I can't ask him for this too."

"What about what you are giving up?"

"I know, but this is my presentation as well. If you could …Harry, this is important. Not just to him. If he can pull this off it will standardize potions across the Wizarding world and make potions really safe for the first time. It wouldn't matter who brewed them, don't you see?"

"Well, I don't trust Draco," Ginny winced, and put a hand on her swollen belly. "Harry, help me up. I'm stuck again."

"Sit," Harry scowled and brought the cushions from the sofa, which he put behind her and made her lay back on. "She's not supposed to be out of bed."

"Ginny?" Hermione noticed her pallor for the first time. "I shouldn't have come. Harry, if I could borrow some clothes I can get back."

"You'll do no such thing," Ginny chided. "Until the baby comes we have an extra room. Harry can transfigure a bed and you can take ours."

"What? You plan on sleeping on the floor?"

"The Healer said she has to stay in bed, we were just waiting for Molly to collect her when you came in."

"Merlin," Hermione jumped to her feet and ran from the room, then peeked in from the doorway to talk. "No offence Ginny, but if she sees me not just Severus but the whole committee will know what happened."

Ginny laughed, "Tell me about it. I had only left the Healer for ten minutes and she had George and Ronald both here yelling at me."

"Everything will be okay?" Hermione swallowed hard seeing the worry and concern on Harry's face.

"Twins," Ginny tried to smile but Hermione saw her dissolve into tears. "They said one … one heart beat is weak…"

Harry squatted down to her and pulled her into his arms, looking over her hair he looked sadly at Hermione and shook his head. She stepped back into the hallway and slipped into one of the bedrooms as she heard Molly's voice at the same time the floo activated.

After she found a pair of jeans and one of Ginny's old tees, she carefully snuck back out finding Harry sitting alone on the sofa. She sat next to him, letting her head fall on his shoulder and felt his arm naturally wrap around her.

"I wouldn't have come if I knew, Harry. I am so sorry. What are …" she stopped and turned her face up to his, seeing him looking down at her.

"Her chances?" Harry said flatly. "They don't know, or won't say. One of the twins is positioned over the umbilical cord of the second."

"Will it move?"

"The Healer seems to think if she can carry them a couple of more weeks she has a good chance of delivering at least one alive."

"Oh, Harry no," she sat up and looked at him, feeling the sting of tears, her hand instinctively covering her own baby. "If she carries them longer?"

"Every day helps they say. Molly claims they told her the same thing and is getting Ginny the same midwife she had. She has Ginny almost convinced everything will be okay. It seems this midwife know how to move them. The healer said it may work, but he won't do it."

"That's good, right? If she is in good spirits? Right? And staying at the Burrow you know someone will be with her twenty-four hours a day. They won't even let her lift a finger." She felt her own eyes fill and found herself wanting Severus to come home, to hold her and look at her the way Harry had done with Ginny.

"I don't know. I guess I would like to know the truth." He squeezed her to his side. "She wants you to stay here till Snape comes home. If Draco caught you alone once, he can do it again and I will not have her laid up in bed worried about you too. I could go to Hogwarts and take care of it myself. I would like that."

"No, please," she whispered. "Severus would know. The sorting is tonight, I only hope he doesn't find out I missed it and comes back just to find out why. If you set foot in the castle, with all the students, someone would see you."

"Then Ginny gets her way. When not in lessons you are to be here. If you need something either have an elf bring it or I will go."

"I'll stay out of the dungeons, but I would feel safer here. Just until Severus comes home, or maybe I can have Millie stay with me. She could sleep in my room."

"No, stay here or I owl Snape, it's as simple as that." He tipped her chin up to see her face. "This isn't about you Hermione, it's about my wife's peace of mind, and right now she is more important. But you tell him right off. If Draco thinks he can get away with this I will step in."


	25. The Fight

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 25**

**The Fight**

* * *

Hermione could not help watching the clock. Ever since she had heard that he had returned, she had worried her lip until it bled and anxiously waited for lunch hour. She was nervous, and happy, sad and worried all at the same time. She wanted to laugh but knew she was close to breaking down in tears and blamed it on her hormones. No matter what his response she had played out the scenario in her head, imagining the best and the worse. Her stomach was in knots, and although morning sickness had not hit her yet, she felt like she was going to vomit.

He would be taking a lunch tray in his office, as was his habit, and she could ask him how he had done at the conference and then bring up how she missed him, and… she closed her eyes and sighed, this would not be easy. She nervously tapped her quill on the desk as the students finished up their written class work, wishing she had thought to make the quiz shorter.

As the clock hit eleven thirty, she nearly jumped from her chair and stood by the door, instructing the fifth years to leave the parchments on the front desks of each row as they left. She was ready to scream at them, thinking this was the longest it had ever taken them to exit her classroom, then glared at them as if they did it on purpose. When the last student walked past her, she all but shoved her out of the way, slammed the door shut and began to run down the hall. Rounding the last corner, before heading up the circular staircase she came face to face with Lucius Malfoy.

He blocked the stairs from her, bowing deeply, and stood in front of her, smugly reaching for her hand. Hermione took a step back, glancing over his shoulder, looking up the stairs for Severus, and clasping her hands behind her back.

"Mrs. Snape," he greeted her with a smirk.

"Mr. Malfoy."

"I am surprised you have made it here as long as you have. I am working to correct that," he looked down at her, arrogantly lifting his lip as his eyes travelled down her body. "However, with the number of complaints I now have amassed on my desk things may change more quickly than even I had hoped for."

"What kind of complaints could you possibly have after only a week into term?"

"Many parents object to your teaching methods. However, it is the complaints based on your morals that have necessitated my visit today."

Not knowing how to respond, and only wanting to get to the stairs, she stood silently.

He leaned closer to her, his voice intimate and friendly, "I hear my … _son_ … has been doing well here. I wanted to thank you personally for making his time here … _more_ … enjoyable."

"Get the fuck out," she spat.

"Now, now, Mrs. Snape, whatever will the students think if they hear that kind of language?"

"They will think I am correct once again, and you sir, are an arse."

"Poor language in front of children is in itself, grounds for dismissal."

"Get out of my way, Mr. Malfoy." She looked up the stairs for Severus again, wanting to call to him, scared to be alone with Lucius. "My husband may be interested in your threats once I talk to him about your son."

"Of course my dear," he purred as he stepped to the side and grandly bowed, sweeping his arm at the staircase. "Please, do so. It may prove enlightening."

She all but flew up the stairs, rushing into Severus' office and running to throw her arms around him.

"I missed you," she sighed, as she held on to him. "That was an awful long week and there is so much I want to tell you. Things I couldn't put with an owl."

"This is inappropriate when the students are in residence," he muttered as he pulled her arms from around his neck.

"You could ward the doors," she smiled. "No? Then, tell me about the conference. Tell me how impressed they were with you, how they held on to every word, how they want you back."

She sat down on the windowsill and smiled up at him, wiggling to get comfortable. "Now, tell me how smart everyone thought you were. Did they understand? Were the charts understandable, I worried about them, and the…"

"It started well, before certain factors came into play."

"Oh, Severus, I'm sorry. What sections did they have problems understanding? If you do the revisions, I will make the copies and send them out at once. Was it the sections on moulds? I worried about that."

"They are close to the acceptance of the text, but my appointment will be withheld if I read the panel correctly."

"How can they do that? How could they possibly see and hear the results and not think you have merit?"

"Tell me Hermione, did you understand what Lydia explained to you about the importance of one's family, primarily one's wife being acceptable? Do you understand their reluctance to accept anyone they perceive as bringing bad publicity to their membership?"

"Why else did I consent to go through that horrid training, which yes I finished with Lydia. She said we were expected to entertain and join certain committees, but there should be plenty of time to do that. I have a list she gave me on charities that I find quite interesting. There are a couple I would like to look into. Even if it were not for the committee we should help the one …"

"Then why would you sleep with Potter? Don't you think you could have waited to fuck him until the conference was over?"

"What?" she whispered, not believing she had heard him correctly.

"Is it also true you had lunch with Mr. Longbottom yesterday?"

"Yes, I was going to tell…"

"When? After I found out myself?"

"Of course not you oaf. I haven't seen you since last week. Who said I was …"

"Not now," he spat at her. "The two of you were seen together."

"By some old biddy I am sure who had nothing else to gossip about. You know I do the shopping on Sundays now, and you know Neville feels compelled to meet me for lunch after he visits his parents. We have always taken lunch together, you have even joined us. That time I…"

"Where were you last night?"

"I was in the library until …"

"You were not there when Professor Malfoy had need of you. One of the first years had a crisis, and he needed a female to deal with her. You were nowhere to be found."

"Right, Professor Malfoy, I know what he was looking for!"

"Answer me!"

"I left around ten, so he must have looked after that or before seven when I got there. What is wrong with you? You come home after a week, more than a week. I could accuse you of the same thing you know." She stood up and glowered at him, setting her jaw and frowning at him.

"I have accused you of nothing," he spat. "I am asking you to either confirm or deny letters that I have received."

"What's wrong, Severus?" She tried to keep her voice level, only a clipped crispness belying her anger. "I had expected a better hello than this. I haven't seen you for a week. I thought you would be … if not pleased to see me at least not angry."

He reached out and traced her jaw with his thumb, frowning as he did, and looking into her eyes. "I had thought better of you. This is not the first time I have been sorely disappointed in your actions."

"Better?" She automatically turned her head into his hand and kissed his palm. "Better how?"

"Where have you been sleeping?"

"Sleeping?" She looked at him confused. "Don't …oh. You heard of Ginny? I sent you an owl about the baby. Poor thing, she is worried to death."

"Answer my question and don't use Potter's failure to contain his sperm as an excuse."

"I was at Harry's. I helped him get the house ready while she…" she stammered, feeling she had been slapped.

"All night?"

"All week. Is that what this is all about? That I stayed with Harry? Good grief, I lived with them for..."

"I waited for you Monday night until I received your owl, only to find out that you were well enough to see Mr. Potter while his wife was confined at the Burrow."

"I couldn't put it in an owl," she felt the now familiar sting of tears and cursed herself. "Severus, something happened with Draco, I couldn't put it in an owl. After dinner, we can talk about it, it's nothing we should get into now, not when we only have lunch hour."

"Mrs Potter experienced her difficulties on Wednesday. Did she not?"

"No, she received bad news from the Healer on Monday. I… Severus, I went there because of Draco. That's what I still need to tell you, but it would be best to wait until you have time. And I did send you a second owl. On Tuesday, I explained about Ginny."

He flung down his ring on his desk. "Our rings carry charms Hermione. They send off a signal if the fidelity is broken. Imagine my surprise when mine signalled me you had removed yours."

"I lost mine, it… it came off. Draco … he pulled it off." She felt bile in her throat and fought to remain calm. "You cannot seriously think I have done anything to hurt you or our marriage. Is this what Malfoy was here for? It was Monday, it came off when… really Severus, can we talk later? I don't feel good."

"I think we need to consider our options, Hermione." He walked to his desk and sat down stiffly. "It is obvious this marriage is not working."

"Obvious? What are you talking about? One summer is all…"

"Lucius brought me a pensieve. Do you care to view it?"

"A pensieve?" She looked around and saw a small bowl on his desk. "Severus, what the bloody hell is going on? I thought things were fine when you left, now you come home and … and…I don't know what is happening."

"Imagine my reaction watching you and Draco."

"Then you already know what he did?"

"He? Yes, and you seemed willing enough."

She spun to look at the pensive shaking her head. "No, that's not right. He tried to rape me. You…"

"Don't, Hermione. Don't lie about this as well."

"Lie?" She walked over to the pensive and looked down at the shimmering surface. "I didn't lie and if this shows something else _it_ is the lie."

She leaned down and put her face in the liquid, feeling the pull and fell into the memory. She found herself not in the dungeon hallway, but in a large bedroom, a couple on the bed engaged in intercourse. She reddened and looked away when she heard Draco's voice call her name. Snapping her head back to the bed, she saw that she was the witch. Falling on her knees, she closed her eyes, and put her hands over her ears until she felt the memory had ended and she found herself back in the Headmaster's office.

"It never happened," she gasped, holding on to the desk to keep from falling. "It never happened. Severus, please you must believe me. You must. You promised you would trust me, I told you it was all I demanded."

"I spent the first half of my life giving my trust away. I shall not do it again and have it thrown back in my face."

"I … don't understand." She looked at him then back to the shimmering bowl. "Don't say it, Severus. Please. Don't say it out loud. Not now, not today and not before you tell me exactly what Lucius said. How did he do this? You cannot believe this…this thing…this… it's not true. It's not!"

"We were wrong to think this could work, even if this had not happened. You are far too young to…"

"Stop it!" she yelled at him, pulling herself up, and fisting her hands. "Stop telling me I am too young to understand, too young to love you, too young … come back here, don't you dare walk away…" She ran after him.

He turned back from the doorway and looked at her coldly. "Mrs. Snape, you will conduct yourself as a member of the staff. You will not carry on in front of the students. You will complete this term and when your contract is up if you care to continue your employment you may request a continuance at that time."

"That's it?" she said incredulously. "You believe Malfoy over me? You trust one of your old Death Eater buddies instead of your wife? You son of a bitch! How dare you? How dare you think I am capable of this."

"No, only the son of a witch too weak to get out of a bad marriage. Something I have always hoped never to do."

"It's a lie," she choked. "It's a lie. I never … Severus, you know me… you know I couldn't … I don't know how he did this. Think about it. Think about why Lucius would have that memory, if it were true do you think Draco would give it to him?"

He closed the door and walked over to her, pulling her to him and studying her face. "It does not matter how he got it, but that he did. Hermione, it is only a matter of time, we both know that. Lust does not keep a marriage together. I am gone just a few days and you run to Potter, and Longbottom?"

"Severus," she fisted his robes. "It's not. I love you. I only stayed at the Potter's because I was scared to come back. Ask Harry. Use your magic, look into my mind. That will prove it."

His eyes flickered to her face. Knowing there was so much more than just this they needed to overcome, and not sure that they could, he did not want to believe that she would have gone to Draco, not his godson. He lifted his wand to her forehead and listened to her pleas, then lowered it and tipped her chin up to study her face.

"No, if I can't trust you I don't want you as a wife. If I do this, if I search your mind because I do not trust you, it will always be between us. You know things have not been good, do not make them worse."

"I told you, …no, it has been good. Tell me … give me one thing other than that damned memory … it's a lie…"

He put his fingers over her mouth. "Then you have nothing to fear, but don't lie to me. Do you understand? I can let you walk away, and I will, but never lie to me and expect me to forgive you."

She heard the threat in his voice and was suddenly afraid. He had never talked to her like this, and never even hinted that he would harm her. She knew she would never feel physical pain from him, but also knew that if what she felt now was only the beginning, his mistrust of her would be beyond what she could stand.

"So tonight?" She asked. "We will have dinner and talk?"

"No, I have to take the results of the conference to the Ministry. I won't be home until late."

"I … I'll wait up. I don't have lessons tomorrow, so it won't matter how late you are."

"I will have Millie move my things into my old chambers."

"You can't be serious! I know when you left you thought I was avoiding you, but if you just stop this we can talk about it."

"You need to rest, and as I will be up at all hours until this is solved, and I am done with the committee I think it best."

"You think it best to have me out of your bed?"

"You avoided it before I left and seeing the pensieve, I don't want you there now."

"I love you, I thought you loved me," she whispered, then turned and fled his office before he could answer.

It was almost midnight as she sat in her bedroom watching the magical window, waiting for him to return. The room was empty, his personal belongings already having been removed. Millie had come, under direct orders not to speak to her Mistress, and had spent the time groaning and crying. Hermione had not responded, choosing instead not to give Millie any information to take back to Severus as she knew the elf would. She heard the Apparation before she saw him striding toward the castle, and with a sigh went to met him.

"Severus?" She greeted him at the bottom of the circular stairs. "This will only take a moment."

"You saved me the trouble of coming to you so it would seem." He handed her a Ministry sealed envelope.

She broke the seal and read the short dismissal letter, then turned her eyes back to him. "What now?"

"You are free to stay here."

"I see, since I have little choice in the matter I will have to do so until…" She lowered her head unable to talk.

"This is not my doing, Hermione. You have to know that."

She turned away from him and started toward the doors, then put her hand out to support herself. "What happened? Why has everything gone so badly? Now I am not even qualified for Muggle Studies?"

He walked up behind her and stood until he could not stop his arms from wrapping around her waist and pulling her back to him.

"Oh my gods," she sobbed and leaned her head back to rest on his chest. "You're saying goodbye."

"I'm sorry Hermione, but I met with Draco and unbeknownst to him, watched his memories. I had full access and … just please, be truthful. We can work on it if you can just be truthful."

She turned to face him, trying to read more than his words had said. "You couldn't have. You would have found it. You would have seen what he did."

He pulled his wand against her temple, and in that action told her not only did he need to see, but that any trust in her was gone. "If you bring it forward, and think of it, this will not be painful. If you make me search, I will find it, if you try to hide it..."

She tipped up her chin and closed her eyes, seeing Draco as he had looked when he stepped in front of her. She felt Severus holding her up, and walking beside her in the hallway. She felt Draco grab her and heard the rendering of the dress she had bought only for her husband's eyes. She felt Severus pull her tight and wrap his free hand around her waist and as Draco yelled in pain, she felt Severus' lips find her's as he left her mind.

She clung to him, sobbing, as the night of Draco's assault was brought front and centre. Again, she felt the terror she had felt then, but this time he was here to hold her and to tell her she was safe.

"I love you," she sobbed. "Please believe me. I pensieve is wrong."

He tipped up her chin and frowned at her. "I saw his memories, Hermione. He does not have this one."

"He's changed it then. You saw for yourself what happened."

"I saw someone who wanted you to believe it was Draco."

"What did he show you?"

"I saw a very willing witch, the same as the pensieve," his voice cracked as he locked his eyes on hers.

"You thought it was me?" she breathed. "But if his memory was different … how … I don't understand."

"He is very skilled, as is his father. Both would be able to alter a memory enough to hide the truth. It is something I did from time to time with the Dark Lord. However, he did not know I was there to see into his mind, nor did he have time to prepare."

"You'll come back with me now. You'll stop this nonsense and come back. You can't believe that, please Severus, no."

"We need to take a few days and think about it, both of us," he scowled at her. "Even before I left you were pushing me away. You need to make sure this is still what you want, as do I. I will not lie, Hermione, if you demand an answer now I will send you away."

"You mean it? You don't trust me... you don't…"

He stepped back and released her. "Yes. I will not lie to you Hermione, if we made a mistake we have to correct it before it goes any further. If I could believe you, if I could trust you, it would solve everything, but I cannot. I am sorry. If it were just the pensieve I could try to explain it away, but it is not."

"Will you try? Will you try to find out why and how he is doing this? Please?"

His mind went to the pensieve and back to what he had seen in her mind. He had felt the fear radiate off her, the same way lust had radiated in the pensieve. He wanted to believe her, he wanted to trust her.

"I am sorry, Hermione," he looked down at her.

She clamped her hand over her mouth and ran as a wave of nausea hit her.


	26. Caught With Ronald

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 26**

**Caught With Ronald**

* * *

Hermione sat cross-legged facing Ginny with the twins lying on the floor with them. At almost two months old they were just beginning to follow sounds and Hermione delighted when they squinted their eyes and looked around every time someone new came in the room.

She and Ginny had spent the entire afternoon pulling out news clippings and pictures, old sporting stubs and birth announcements, cutting, trimming, and fitting them on the pages of a large scrapbook they were working on.

"He'll love it Ginny," Hermione smiled. "He always wanted to have his friends and family close."

"I only have those two of Sirius." Ginny flipped back to the page that showed Black's prison picture, and the one with the other Order members. "And it's the only one I could find of Remus."

"Ask Andromeda," Hermione winced and put a hand on the small of her back. "I may need help getting up. I think my legs fell asleep back at your wedding."

Ginny grinned and got up, then reached down and pulled Hermione up, laughing to see her limp to the sofa and flop down.

"You're not kidding, are you?"

"It'll be fine in a minute." She looked up at the clock. "I better go. Severus will be back by ten. Even if the meeting isn't done, he will be."

"You two still … you know?"

Hermione pulled her robes on turning her face and pretending to be caught up in what she was doing.

"Okay, so it's none of my business."

"No, it's not."

"Well, it is my business to make sure you have an escort back. You are still planning to stop at Honeydukes?"

"I thought I might."

"If it were me he could go to hell and wait before I thought to get him something special. You are not even living together."

"It's just little peace offering, and he has moved back into the chambers. He is trying, Ginny, he really is."

"Right, you offer… are you sharing a bed? Or, let me guess, he is in the office."

"Ginny, don't. Please. At least we are … trying to talk this way. It's a beginning. You don't know everything that's happened. It's not all his fault."

"Whatever, just don't go falling back in your _Poor Severus_ mode." She turned to answer the knock on the door. "That better be Ronald."

"Ronald? I thought Harry was going with me."

"Nope." Ronald bent down and put a kiss on Ginny's cheek. "He can't leave work so he sent me. Ready?"

"I can just floo if it's a problem." She bit her lip and looked to the floo, knowing it was still too early in her pregnancy to risk it.

"No, no problem. I wanted to pick something up for Lavender, and Mum's been sort of down. It's that time of year." He looked at the floor and toed the carpet.

"I know," Hermione sighed. "She said she wanted to put flowers on his grave this year but can't even bring herself to do it."

"Harry and I will take the babies out next weekend if the weather holds. If she says anything let her know we want to do it." Ginny said.

"Let's get this show on the road," Ronald grinned, changing the topic.

"Right," Hermione smiled back and grabbed her wand from the floor. "You can finish up the last couple of pages, right?"

"Sure, it's almost done… go."

Hermione bought Severus the dark bitter chocolate he seemed to prefer, and then just in case she was wrong asked for a sack of the semi-sweet. She grinned when the shopkeeper put heart shaped candies, dusted with powdered sugar in the bag, apologizing that with the lateness of the hour that was all that remained.

They walked back to the castle, Ronald holding her hand that snaked around his elbow, and talking of his and Lavender's upcoming wedding. Hermione giggled at the stories of Lavender's search for a gown, and at Molly's insistence that she wear an old Weasley dress instead.

"Honestly, if she wore it everyone would think she has a bun in the oven. It makes her look fat. Not just fat but … fat in the belly."

Hermione missed a step and grabbed Ronald's arm to keep from falling. He quickly righted her and picked up the sacks she had dropped, not looking at her face until he handed the parcels back to her.

"Hermione? What's wrong?"

"If she were … Lavender … if she were … you know… would you… how would you feel about it?"

"About a baby?" He frowned. "I don't know, I mean … yeah, we want kids. Just, not now. We want to wait until we have a little put aside. I don't want to have a house full of kids crying about wearing hand me downs. I know how hard Mum had it."

"I know, but … about the baby …" She swallowed hard. "A witch carries it, it's inside her, it grows in her and saps her magic. It's the first thing she feels in the morning, and the last thing she feels at night. I want to now what the father feels … I need to know."

"How far along are you?" He tipped up her chin and grinned at her, surprised to see her eyes full of tears. "What did Snape say?"

"I haven't told him yet, and only about eleven weeks now. He said he didn't want children. Ronald, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him, and there's more to it, but … I can't talk about it."

Ronald looked up at the castle and back down the road. Making sure no one was watching them, he pulled her along behind him until they reached the lake, then lowered her to the ground and joined her.

"Now, tell big brother what the problem is. Did he hurt you?"

"No," she sighed and wiped off her face again. "Not like what you mean, but it hurt when I think that he doesn't want us."

"You have to tell him."

"I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to wait until things got better. Right now we are sort of fighting."

"About what?" He scowled at her until he saw the flush of red climb up her neck and turn her cheeks pink. "Oh. That."

"Yes that," she felt like giggling seeing his embarrassment. "This is one of those times you and Harry should wish my best friends were girls. Talking about lack of sex with my husband is not something you would enjoy hearing about."

"No it's not."

"He moved out of our joint chambers, that's when I tried talking to Ginny, but she doesn't understand. Now, he's moved back, but .. oh, Ronald … he sleeps in the study. At first I thought it was good that he came back so we could talk, but … I don't think he even wants me there anymore."

"Did Ginny…"

"Gods no, this isn't something I can talk about with her." Hermione rolled her eyes. "I mean, she can't tell me anything I don't already know, and she would just side with me and tell me to leave him again. I don't want to, I want it to work."

"Okay," he laughed and pulled her into the diamond of his legs, pulling her back against his chest and hugging her. "Now, if you tell anyone I listened to your personal stories about Snape I will deny it."

"I just need to know what to say to him. How do I tell him about a baby he doesn't want, now that he doesn't even want me?"

"Well, you could start out by explaining why you didn't take a contraception potion. It's something I would want to know."

"I can't take the monthly, Bella damaged my liver with the Cruciatus, and Poppy said if I take it over a long time it could have side effects. Also because of the potion Lucius gave me, so I use a dose every time I… every time we… well, every time."

"Obviously not every time. You should have gone to a Muggle healer. They use pills. Lavender says they are safer."

"Remind me to talk to her the next time I'm going to get knocked up." She wiped at her face. "He said they are bad for my magic."

"Don't, don't be bitter. It happened. Now you have to deal with it."

"Is that would you would tell Lavender?" She pulled away and turned to watch his face. "Would you tell her to deal with it?"

"No, I would be … Hermione, this may not make sense to you, but first I would feel proud. I'd be proud that I was the one to do it."

"Ronald, do you know how stupid that sounds."

"Not as stupid as you being pregnant, not wanting it, and telling me you use a contraceptive every time you fuck him."

"I never said that. I never said I didn't want it, just not now. I'm scared, and I know he'll be angry and think I got this way on purpose. He once railed at one of the seventh year girls who did just that, got pregnant to keep her boyfriend. Finish what you were saying."

"Okay," he grinned and pulled her back to his chest, pushing her head to his shoulder. "I think, and I can only guess, that I would feel protective, guilty, left out…"

"What?" she struggled back up and looked at him strangely.

"Protective … that should be a given. Guilty, that it was me that was making a witch do this, go through the pain and the whole thing. Left out, because I would know that I am not the only one in her life anymore. But, most of all worried, worried sick that I couldn't do my part."

Hermione reached up and put her hand on his face as tears started to fill her eyes.

"I think when someone tells me I am going to be a father I will think she is the most beautiful thing in the world because it's mine and the only reason she is having it, is because she loves me."

Hermione threw her arms around him and cried into his neck. "What do you think Severus will say?" she managed to choke out.

"Knowing his penchant for kindness, hopefully nothing," Ronald scowled. "I find his silence much better, at least when he doesn't say anything you know he's not going to curse you. Now, come on. It's late, and you're pregnant. You need to rest."

He pulled her up and again wrapped her arm around his elbow, keeping her hand in his. They walked back to the castle until the reached the path to the main door, where she turned to him.

"Thanks, Ronald. You're a good friend putting up with me like this."

"Tell it to Lavender, I'm late. She gets off work at eleven and I told her I would pick her up."

"Eleven?" She quickly gave him a hug and kiss before turning to the doors only to see Severus glaring down at her.

"Good night Mr. Weasley, I believe you have spent enough time this evening with my _wife._" He spoke to Ronald but kept his eyes on Hermione.

"We were _talking_," Ronald spat.

"Next time you talk with my wife I would suggest you help her clean up before bringing her home."

Hermione looked down at her robe and hastily brushed off the dried grass and leaves that had clung to her robe. Turning toward Ronald, she saw him clench his jaw. Her eyes moved down to the dirt on his trousers.

"Mrs. Snape, it is time to return to your rooms."

"Ronald, I'm sorry, he doesn't mean…"

"Now, Mrs. Snape, or must I use other methods to get you there."

"Listen Snape, you have this wrong, we were…" Ronald began.

"No, I believe it is you that have this wrong, Mr Weasley. She is my wife, and as such is only for my amusement, if…"

"Severus!" Hermione hissed. "Stop, stop this now. We were talking and lost track of the time. Ronald, I am so sorry he brought you into this... "

"It's okay," Ronald took a step back, sending his own sneer to Snape. "If you need me you know where to find me."

"Good night, Mr. Weasley. If I see you with my wife again, I will be within my rights to take action. Are we clear?"

Ronald walked away with only a nod to Hermione, knowing there was nothing he could say to make things better. Hermione watched him down the path, then turned and ran furiously into the castle.

"What was that all about?" she yelled at him as soon as he had closed her chamber door behind him. "He was nice enough to take me shopping and walk me home and that is how you treat him?"

"The shops closed hours ago." He threw down his robes and crossed the room grabbing her arms. "Do not play me for a fool, Hermione. If you want to fuck someone do not do it on the grounds. Or is it your intent to ridicule me in front of the students? You look like a bloody whore that just took a roll in the hay."

"We were talking. You know me better than to think I could do that."

"I forgot," he pushed her back, watching her fall to the sofa. "You're not drunk."

"Stop it," she stood up shakily. "We talked. You know he is a friend, one of my oldest friends. How dare you paint this as if it were something ugly? Ronald is a good man and a good friend."

"Is he good in bed?" Severus sneered and turned to his liquor cabinet. "Care for a drink, Hermione? If I remember correctly you like men with yours."

"I'm going to change. Then I am going to the library. When I get back I expect an apology."

"Then stay in the library." He picked up his glass and tossed back his drink.

"You have been like this ever since Lucius was here. He said something that changed you. I almost wish Voldemort had visited instead, at least with him you always had doubt."

"You underestimate yourself, my dear. I have always doubted you."

She heard the slight hesitation in his voice, the change of the tone. "Then why did you marry me?"

He snorted and poured another drink. "I, my dear, wanted to ensure that I had the brightest witch of our times. A war trophy as it is. I also thought I would save money on whores. That was, of course, before I knew of your sleeping habits."

She felt her knees weaken and stepped behind the sofa to hold onto its back, not wanting him to see how badly she hurt. "You never wanted me? You just … what you said … you used me?"

"Used, interesting word. Tell me Hermione, how many have used you?"

"Bastard," she hissed.

"Last weekend I ran into Mrs. Potter. I find that strange since you later said you had spent the day at the Potters. Did you fail to mention that it was only Harry that was home?"

Hermione looked at the door. She couldn't tell him, not now, not like this. Not that she had been at the Healers to check on her pregnancy and used Ginny as an excuse. When she looked up at him and locked her eyes on his, she saw the pain. She would not use a baby just to keep him, she would not raise a child where all it heard was his parents fighting.

"Nothing has ever been between me and Harry, or Ronald. You know that, deep down you know that or you wouldn't have agreed to share these quarters. You wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be trying to work it out."

"Perhaps that story would have worked before tonight. Now it only serves as yet another example of the lengths you will go to."

"So," she whispered. "This whole month, since you moved back in here, this … fight we have been having this time … or not having … started last week when you ran into Ginny. Tell me, Severus, was this before or after Lucius' latest visit."

"It was while you were with Potter."

"I see, and after I fucked Draco at that. Oh, I forgot, it wasn't Draco. He must not have been very good if I had to find someone else. Well, it appears we have nothing left to talk about." Her hands shook as she picked her robes back up and put them around her shoulders. "You seem to have worked everything out. Very convenient for Lucius, I must add. Now he doesn't have to have my teaching credentials revoked to insure I never teach again. I will be in my room if you have need of anything send an elf."

She walked to the door as calmly as she could even though her mind was screaming at her to stop. She put her hand on the doorknob and hesitated. If he knew of the baby he may want her to stay, she was tempted to tell him, then decided he wasn't worth it. She opened the door and walked out.


	27. She Tells Him

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 27**

**She Tells Him**

* * *

The Daily Prophet dropped in front of her as the morning owls arrived in the Great Hall. She continued her conversation with Professor Sprout, until she noticed how quiet the hall had become. Seeing the tables full of students gathered around the few that received papers she grabbed hers and spread it open.

She felt a sudden wave of nausea, a rushing of air in her ears, and knew if she had been standing, she would have fallen.

"Hermione," Professor Sprout said her name softly. "If you want to leave it's okay."

"No," she folded the paper closed and picked up her tea. "It's fine. Everyone knows he is leaving me. He is free to do as he pleases."

The students leaned over their plates and finished breakfast, whispering behind their hands and glancing at her furtively. Hermione lifted her chin and turned her head toward the Slytherin table, boldly facing them with a sneer of her own. She coldly looked down the house's table until they dropped their eyes, unable to intimidate her.

Waiting until the last of the students were gone, she slowly rose and walked out of the main door, purposely avoiding the more discreet entry to his office behind the dais. As she moved toward the moving staircase, she could hear the murmurs behind her grow. Wanting to run, she forced herself to slow and greet students on her seemingly long walk. Once the gargoyle began the ascent, she allowed herself to slump against the banister.

It hurt. It hurt more than she had thought it could. Seeing him like that, seeing the picture had sent shock waves through her, leaving the taste of vomit in her mouth. She thought she knew where he went when he left the castle, but knowing and seeing, seeing and being able to put a face to her were two different things. She stood up straight and looked up, wanting to hurry the stairs, but at the same time wanting to turn and run away.

She thought of Albus and the time turner and wished she had one around her neck now, but where would she start she wondered. When had it started to go so wrong? She wiped the back of her hand across her eyes and smoothed her robes as she reached the top.

"My, I did not expect my dear wife to join me for tea this morning." Severus's voice startled her.

"I've had my tea, thank you. You missed breakfast again this morning. You should at least make an appearance for the students."

"Tell me _wife_, are you now concerned over my health? Or my image?"

"Let's keep this civil, Severus. I came to ask you to please, stop your public displays until the end of term. I ask this only for the good of Hogwarts. You are always complaining about the budget, and unless you want it cut again you should not appear in a bad light. Also, I am sure the students are sending out owls to inform their parents of yet other scandal in these halls."

"Owls? And may I ask why?"

"This." She threw the Daily Prophet on the table with his picture on the front page. He had his arm around a witch who smiled up at him breathlessly as he sneered at the camera, then lifted her purse to hide her face."

"She is quite pretty, is she not?" he smirked.

She turned to the window to put her back to him, cursing the tears that stung her eyes. "I expect you to conduct yourself in a respectable manner while I am still under this roof. You will not carry on, setting a bad example for the students and flaunting your position. Am I clear?"

"I see," he leaned back and smirked at her. "That is your forte I assume. I will however, see whom I want. Since we seem to have an open marriage I am sure you agree."

"I will _ask_ you to at least be discreet and not parade your tarts around for photo shots. At least give me that."

"I think not."

"No matter what you may think of me I would never do this to you," she lowered her voice. "I can't breathe Severus. When I see you leave and know you are going to her, I can't breathe. Can we just agree not to hurt each other anymore?"

"I'm not fucking her Hermione. That is something, unlike you, I will not do until our divorce it final."

"I have told you to use your magic, pry into my mind to see what happened, and what didn't happen for yourself. Why don't you just put an end to your suspicions? You will find nothing more than you have already seen, since you seem to think I am capable of hiding my thoughts, I will give you permission to invade my mind again, this time looking at whatever you want."

"I would rather leave the why to my imagination, as I already now how you fuck, but then again I know what you consider a seduction as well. Neither of which were that good first hand, I do not want to see them second."

She spun around, pulled her wand, and pointed it at his throat. "Shut up Snape," she hissed. "I've had enough of it. Enough, do you hear me? I won't take anymore. It ends here."

"You never did listen in class," he spat back, pulled himself up to his full height and sneered at her. "Never pull your wand if you do not plan on using it."

"_Deprimo__!" _she shouted, sending him crashing into the cabinet at the far wall and falling to the floor with a blast of air. "Sorry, so good of you to remind me."

"You stupid bint," he seethed struggling to his feet, cursing himself for leaving his wand in his desk.

"You infernal bastard!" Her hand trembled as he stepped closer, and she moved back. "Stand still!"

"Why?" he asked incredulously.

"So I don't miss." She licked her lips and tightened her grip on the wand. "_Deprimo!"_

She swallowed hard, raising her wand again. She had only managed to push him back a few meters, not nearly as far as the first time.

"Gods, damn you," he sneered at her, unable to lift his arms to even attempt a wandless spell. "Losing your concentration? That was barely strong enough to be felt."

"You son of a bitch," she glanced back over her shoulder to judge the distance to the door as the sound of his wards being thrown up filled the room. "That's not fair."

"Fair?" he smirked as his lip tugged upwards. "You come in here, make demands of me, hex me, curse me … twice, and I am not being fair? I have also taught you to keep your eyes locked on your adversary. You looked at the door, should I pretend to be surprised if you run for it? Do you remember nothing?"

"My magic is off, I can't…," she admitted, her eyes locking on his. "It's your fault, you and your god awful potions. You and your… just stop, stop acting like an arse."

"I do not make inferior potions, if there is an error in any potion it is one that you brewed," he intoned stiffly.

"It was one of yours, and I didn't take it."

"Hermione, the only potion I brewed for you is the…" He stopped talking and looked at her blankly.

"Exactly!" She shoved her wand in her pocket and marched to the door. "Let me out of here. I swear Snape if you so much as try to touch me I'll hex you again."

"Too late," he snarled. "It appears someone already has. Tell me, please, will it be a little Potter?''

She spun around and glared at him, lifting her wand and pointing it at him. "I swear to Merlin, if you don't shut up I'll kill you."

He crossed the room in six strides and grabbed her arms as she fought against him, then pulled her to his chest and held her tight, letting her struggle and fight against him until he heard her sobs.

"Now that you are done fighting me, talk."

"I don't want to," she sobbed into his shoulder. "I … I don't want to do this. Not while you're fucking someone else."

Severus clenched his jaw and felt his anger flare. He fought not to react to her, but stayed glued to the spot, holding her to him. "What do you want to do about it?"

"I don't know, I … I am scared." She turned her head and tried to look at him, but his arms were unyielding.

"It's your decision."

"I don't seem to have a choice in the matter." She began to fight him again. "You took any choice I had away from me."

"If you want to terminate it, I will take you to a healer. Just do not expect me to brew the potion. Of course you could always consult the father," he spat out the last angrily.

"The what?" He released her, letting her lift her face to him. Confused at first she suddenly brought her hand up and slapped him as hard as she could. "Don't you ever… how dare you… as if I … is that what you think?"

He put his hand to his cheek and brought it down again, seeing blood on his palm. "You split my lip open."

"You're lucky that's all I did. Next time you even hint at such a thing … just shut up!"

"Hermione, I did not fail in making the potion, it is you that failed to take it. If anything I was even more careful, knowing it was for you. I do not want another red headed Weasley running around. Don't you think I was careful?"

She swiped the tears off her face and started to the door again. "I can't breathe, I need air."

"Hermione!" Again, he chased after her, and grabbed her arm, pulling her back.

"What if… " she stammered. "I am scared. I can't help it and you can't, or won't, change the way you feel about me. But since you would only enjoy any discomfort I have, what happens to me shouldn't bother you."

"Childbirth in this world is safe. If you do not plan to stay here, I will make sure your expenses are taken care of before you leave. If you do chose to stay, my solicitor will contact you."

She swallowed hard and nodded. "I can't stay here any longer. There is a small legal matter. You have to take care of it, my parent's property. You have the right to put in a claim on it since you are my legal husband."

"My solicitor informs me that the divorce would have been final at the end of the month. Once again, you manage to complicate things. I hope this is taken care of quickly."

She snapped her head up at the word divorce. She had thought it, had known it was coming, that he would find a way he could not before. Now she knew it would be the question of whose child she carried and time, a time he now laid out.

"You don't get it do you? What the fuck do you expect me to do? My husband wants a divorce and I am going to have a baby. I can't and I won't fight with you anymore. I can't do this… I…," she turned and ran to the door and slapped her hand on in as hard as she could. "Open this damned thing. Open it before I start screaming and get the whole fucking school up here. There's no air in here. Please, open it … please, I need to breathe."

"Not until you can control yourself."

Resting her forehead against the wooden door, she closed her eyes and felt her energy drain from her body. She slumped to the floor as darkness claimed her and for the first time since all this started welcomed his arms as she felt him reach for her.

She came to lying on his sofa. Feeling her head ache, she stayed still until the room stopped moving, then slowly swung her legs over the edge and sat up.

"You need to eat," his voice cut into the silence. "I took the liberty of ordering up from the kitchen, or are you going to hex the kitchen elves as well?"

"Oh stop, Severus." Poppy appeared from behind the sofa. "Now dear, everything is fine. All the tests came back just fine, just a little tired and a little too excited. I suspect you have not been eating so I quite agree with Severus."

"Thank you, Poppy. I'm sorry I bothered you." Hermione looked up at Severus through her lashes.

"You need to stop getting so excited, and you, Severus, need to make sure she eats. You know how she gets when she is focused."

"She is no longer my concern." He turned to Poppy and folded his arms. "I am responsible for her upkeep. However, she will be living elsewhere. She may have need for a Muggle midwife. I trust you can assist her in finding one."

Poppy studied Severus face, then turned to see Hermione sitting with her eyes downcast. She picked up her medical bag and let herself out leaving the silence of the room to descend on the couple.

"It's not his." Hermione choked out. "I was never with him. You should know that."

"Then who does it belong to? You owe me that."

"I'm in my fourth month, figure it out. Since you know the pensieve was a lie but won't admit it. that narrows it down." She stood up and turned for the door. "I will let the Ministry know I am not going to fight anymore. There is no point staying here not being able to teach. If they want my credentials and work contract they can have them. I will be gone by the end of the week. You win, I give up, Severus, I give up. You can be happy now, and I hope alone. I hope you die alone the way you obviously want to."

He felt something in the bottom of his stomach, something hard and cold. "Hermione? You need to tell me who the father is."

She stopped with her hand on the doorknob. "He doesn't have one. A father loves his son and the witch that carries him, my son only has a sperm donor and a mother too stupid to ensure he did."


	28. Harry and Ronald visit Snape

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 28**

**Harry and Ronald visit Snape**

* * *

Severus woke to a pounding on his door and the sounds of arguing. He sat up slowly and looked at the clock before rising and pulling on his robe. Four in the morning, he thought, someone had better bloody well be dying to wake him up at this time of the morning. He lit the candles with a flick of his hand, and smoothing down his robe opened the door expecting to find one of the Professors with some very guilty students. Instead, he found himself pushed back by Potter who stormed into the room.

"Now!" Potter turned to the hallway where Draco stood in the shadows. "So help me, if I have to come out there and get you, you won't be able to walk in."

"Potter, what is the meaning of this." Snape growled. "You heard him, Draco. I want an answer. Now!"

"Ask that piece of trash." Harry pointed his wand as Draco slunk into the Headmaster's room.

"I am asking you, Potter."

"Your wife has just spent the better part of the night sobbing on my shoulder because of your idiocy and the lies this one told you." He jerked his head toward Draco. "He's here to tell you what he did."

Severus turned to Draco and assessed his appearance. "I take it Potter preferred his fists to his wand."

Draco sneered and headed for the liquor cabinet. "I told him you would never take his word over mine."

Severus lifted his hand, and sent a wandless spell to the cabinet, locking it against him. "That is the wrong answer, Draco. You should have answered my question rather than cutting to the place you want me to go. If you want to make this into a contest, perhaps I should also warn you I was raised in a home that used fists as a normal part of everyday debate."

Draco blanched. He heard the edge in Severus' voice and knew he was only a hair's-breadth from being hexed. "Yes, he used his fists in an unfair advantage. I do not fight like a filthy blood traitor."

"Since I also wear that title you must forgive me for this." He raised his hand and with a burst of magic sent Draco into the stone wall. "Now that we have settled that, tell me what you are doing here."

"He has something to tell you about your wife," Harry snarled.

"My, what a surprise," Severus stiffened. "You both are invited to leave. Make sure you respond to this invitation at…"

"Shut up, git." Harry curled his lip. "What is wrong with you? You prefer to listen to that bag of shite," he indicated Draco with a wave of his hand, "over your own wife and the mother of your… don't look like that you bloody arse hole… when has she ever lied to you? Okay, forget that, but when has she ever lied to you about something important?"

"He's right," Ronald stood in the open doorway. "She may be a little forgetful when it comes to things and hold some things back, but she doesn't lie."

"Joy," Severus intoned, sneering at Ronald. "More guests and a Weasley at that, I am in hell."

"Shut up Snape," Harry glowered. "Ron, just keep an eye on Malfoy."

"You do know you are making your argument weaker every time you open your mouth." Snape looked at Harry coldly. "Draco, did my wife tell me the truth? Did you indeed accost her?"

Draco spat. "I heard she was all dressed up and prancing around like a tart. Don't tell me she was dressed up like that if she wasn't advertising, but it wasn't me. You looked yourself, don't tell me you didn't."

Severus had a sudden vision of the red dress she had bought, the heels he had seen tucked away in the dungeons, and the sudden change of plans she had made the night of their anniversary. He turned to the fireplace to hide his face, afraid his reaction may show.

"When was this?" he almost choked, keeping his voice level.

"How the fuck should I know, do you…"

He spun around and pushed Draco to the wall before the younger wizard knew what was happening. Severus pulled his wand and pushed the tip into his throat.

"Let me help your memory," he hissed.

"It was on your anniversary," Harry supplied. "She and Ginny had planned what she was going to wear. She was on her way down there to dress then the next thing she was falling out of the floo, near hysterical with her dress ripped to shreds. She said you looked in her mind and saw it."

"And you saw fit to hide her condition and not contact me." Severus growled.

"She didn't want to disturb you." Potter realized how weak it sounded now.

"I see," Severus smirked, "How good of you to protect the women in your life by not taking charge. Tell me, was she seen by a healer?"

"She wouldn't have it," Harry muttered.

"Never have won an argument with her myself," Neville agreed walking in and glancing at Severus on his way to sit next to Ronald.

"How kind of you to join us Professor Longbottom," Severus looked at him, then at Ronald incredulously. "Perhaps I should order a breakfast tray."

"Oh, not for me, ate before I came, cuppa would hit the spot though," Ronald said innocently, his eyes growing large as Severus released Draco and levelled his wand at his forehead.

"Please, Merlin, I've waited _so_ long," he muttered as he strode toward Ronald.

Neville jumped to his feet and stood between the two, looking nervously at Harry as Draco's chuckles filled the room. Severus spun back to his godson, raised his wand and was ready to fire a curse when the three others shouted, "Shut up!" at the same time then looked at each other and smirked.

Severus suddenly felt completely drained. He slumped into his chair and pointed his wand half-heartedly at his godson. "I am too old for this. Let's make it simple. You talk. I listen. You do not, I kill you. It's much simpler that way and much less tiresome."

"You can't," Draco lost what little colour he had and stepped back.

"It is four in the morning. A Weasley is sitting in my personal chambers thinking I am going to order him a spot of tea, Potter has taken my side in an argument, and Longbottom finds me funny. Trust me, nothing I do at this point will be considered a crime." He smirked, and blasted a hole in the wall next to Draco's head. "Just practicing."

"It wasn't Hermione."

"What wasn't?"

"Who you saw me with. My memory, it wasn't her you saw."

"Explain," he smirked, this time moving the blast a little closer.

"We were, you know, Astoria and I thought we would… umm," His face turned a violent red.

"Bloody hell," Ronald screwed up his face in disgust. "She took Polyjuice? "

"Shut up Weasley, at least she is willing to play games."

"Games?" Neville asked.

"Bloody ferret thinks Hermione is hot, so he had Astoria … you know, change into her so he could fuck her."

"Hermione?" Harry asked with a shrug. "She's not hot. I mean, she isn't ugly, but I wouldn't call her hot."

"She can be," Neville smiled, and leaned back on the sofa, crossing his hands and putting them behind his head. "You should have seen her in that dress. I helped pick it out."

Severus leaned forward and put his arms on his thighs, staring at Draco.

"Uncle, you have to know I never touched her."

Severus did not move.

"Not that I didn't want to."

Severus stood.

"I didn't think you would take it like this. I mean, it wasn't your wife now was it? And by the time you wanted to see my memory everyone already knew you had kicked her out because she was screwing Weasley over there."

Ronald jumped up, and tried to push his way to Draco, only stopped by Neville, who wrapped his arms around him from behind and wrested him back to the sofa.

"Oh calm down," Draco strutted to the fireplace, and leaned arrogantly on one hand, crossing his legs at the ankles. "It's not like you don't want to get rid of her. I heard you were furious when you found out she was sleeping with Potter. I am surprised you put up with it this long."

Harry charged him, slamming his shoulder into the blonde's stomach and pushing him to the ground. His left hand held him down while his right fist connected with his already broken nose, soliciting a howl from Draco and a wince from Ronald.

Neville grasped the back of Harry's shirt and yanked him back, struggling to stay on his feet as Harry put his weight against his arm, still trying to reach Draco. He looked to Severus as he grappled Harry back towards the sofa, not relaxing until Ronald clamped an arm around Harry to help restrain him.

"Could have used some help," Neville panted, sending his own scowl at Draco.

"Why?" Severus smirked. "He did not appear to need it."

"Headmaster, you have to know that whatever you have been told, or whatever has happened between you," Neville stopped and looked down on Draco with obvious distaste, "you have to know Hermione would never do this to you."

"Lavender was in a right fit when she heard what was being said." Ronald stood up and faced Severus. "It's not just _your_ pale arse that's in a bind you know. Lavender was in town being fitted for her wedding dress when she heard the rumours. How do you think she felt?"

"Ron," Harry put a hand on his friend arm, "she knows it's not true."

"Maybe so." Ronald pulled his arm away. "I don't want to see her hurt again. Maybe you don't take being married serious, but I do. I plan to keep her safe, and that doesn't just mean physically safe. I never want to see her look at me like that again. I never want her to be like Hermione and cry every time she thinks about having my baby."

"Mr Weasley, I…"

"I am not done," Ronald said flatly. "My sister went into labour the night she heard the same rumours about Harry. I am not saying one had anything to do with the other, but that was no time for her to be worried about her marriage. And ask Neville if he has seen Hannah lately and then ask him why. Now, you fix this, and you fix it quick. Hermione means a lot to us, that's why we are here, and we don't want to see her hurt more than she already is."

"Mr. Weasley, there are things you may not be aware of."

Neville dragged up Draco and pushed him to the door. "I'll drop the trash off at his chambers. Hermione is waiting for you. She's warded into your joint chambers. Either cut her loose or make up, but enough of this. She shouldn't have to take your shite anymore."

Ronald grabbed Draco's other arm and left with Neville, Harry hung back at the door waiting until they left.

"I believe Draco. That would leave Lucius. He can cross the wards and knows his way around the dungeons, he has access to Draco's rooms, and would have thought it was his right to accost a Mudblood. I have also checked around Snape. He has recent purchases that read like a receipt for Polyjuice, and it's well known he wants to hurt your chances to get your appointment. Toss in the fact that he has petitioned to have her teaching credentials removed and he is the perfect candidate."

"I am well aware of his work in that area."

"But why? That's what has me stumped." Harry flicked his sleeve as if to remove a piece of lint. "He ruins your reputation, destroys your personal life, gets you tossed out of Hogwarts and puts himself in control. If I didn't know better I would think we've been here before. I would start thinking that he wants to start over."

"It has already started, Potter." Severus said evenly. "As much as I see your need to complete this conversation I have some place else to be."

Harry smiled widely, shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to leave, calling back over his shoulder, "You do know my son's middle name. I expect a payback."

Severus frowned and hurried to the mantle where he knew an envelope lay from the Potters, unopened for the past month. Ripping it open he blanched, then threw it in the fire. He had lived long enough, he thought with a smirk, long enough to see his and Potter's name on the same line. _Albus Severus Potter_, he thought, now that would be a sorting he would not miss.

Severus stalked up the stairs, taking them two at a time, cursing himself for having altered the Apparation wards. He held his wand shoulder high, pointing the soft blue light at the floor wondering why Hermione was always the neediest in the middle of the bloody night.

"Put that light out, we are sleeping here," one of the portraits called out.

"That's right young man. Back to bed with you, it is well past curfew."

"Do I look like a student?" Severus glared and pointed the light at the oiled face.

"He doesn't look smart enough, if you ask me." A small fairy flicked from frame to frame, peering out at him. "Ooooo, I know this one."

An old hag leaned forward and lifted her monocle, frowning down on him. "That's the one, hey Agnes! Look here, this is the one I was telling you about."

"Should be ashamed young man." A witch in the plain wooden frame wiped her hands on her apron as he walked past. "She's still in there you know, crying her eyes out no thanks to you."

Severus pointed the wand back down to the floor and continued on, thinking the whole castle had decided to conspire against him.

He stopped in front of Hermione's doors, brushed his robes off and lifted the wards. "Fucking portraits."

"At least they are polite if you are nice to them," she stood in the opened doorway, having heard the footfalls. "I thought you were someone else. Harry brought me to pick up the last of my things. I'll be gone soon."

"May I come in?"

"What do you want?"

"To talk, we need to end this."

She nodded and stepped back, letting him in then pushing the door open wider. "Where do you want me to put the rest of your things?"

"Say the father's name."

"Get out Snape." She walked back to the open door and waited for him to leave.

"Not until you say it."

"No."

He stalked over to her and pulled back her robes to look at her swollen stomach, his eyes resting on the small bump, and raised his head to look at her eyes."Hermione, you need to tell me."

"What do you care?" She spat and pushed past him, her eyes flicking from table to mantle, looking for her wand.

He yanked her back and holding both her arms whispered to her, "Unless you have a Prewitt hidden in your family tree this may be the only time I get to have a witch tell me she is carrying my child. So say it."

"It's yours, you fucking arsehole," she hissed. "Severus Fucking Snape is the father!"

"Somehow I imagined it differently," he felt his lip twitch, one hand moving to lie over his son.

"Imagined what differently?" She slapped his hand away.

"You, telling me you were pregnant." He cupped her face and studied her eyes, trying to see how she felt. "I take it soft candle light, violins in the background and a romantic dinner is out of the question."

"Funny," she quipped and pointed to the door.

"Did I mistreat you so greatly that you were afraid to tell me?"

"No, you did that after." she said evenly. "Now that you can have a clear conscience, leave."

"That night, the last night I was rough with you, did I hurt you? Did I scare you more than you admitted?" he asked, his voice uncharacteristically cracking.

"Oh my gods, no!" She started to put her hand on his cheek, only to pull it back. "Is that what you have been worried about?"

"You quit coming to my bed after that, of course it was. What else could it have been? I either hurt you so much you would not come to my bed again or you had a lover. It speaks to my history with witches that I would think you were a slut rather than want to believe I had done the damage myself."

"You should have said something, asked me, anything but to go on thinking that I didn't want you because of that. Severus, you can be such a fool! You must never think that you hurt me like that. It was just … sudden, and you seemed angry. That was the same night I forgot to take the potion, and by the time I remembered it was too late. I tested, but I had to wait for two weeks to be sure… and then… just leave, please, just leave. Don't make me go over it again."

"Why didn't you say something? Did I say, or do anything to give you reason to act this way?"

"No." She tried to swallow down the tears that were starting. "But you don't like children, and have never said you wanted them."

"And? That is it?"

"If you remember, you were getting ready for the Symposium. I didn't want to take your mind off it, and I wanted to make sure before I said anything. Severus?" she sighed. "I can't do this any more, please, just … just leave me alone."

"We are going to talk, and figure out where to go from here. Now answer me, have I ever said I would not want you to have my child?"

"No, but … I was scared," she admitted. "Scared that … scared of everything. Of having the baby, of you being angry, about what I would do. If I could undo everything that happened I would, but I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't"

"Can you forgive me?" he asked stepping back from her and folding his arms.

"I don't know," she said evenly.

"Now you decide to be honest." He ran his hand through his hair and began to pace. "This is one time I would have preferred a lie."

"I told you once that I demanded your trust. You accused me of sleeping with my best friends. You made me a laughing stock in this castle and even paraded our life through the Daily Prophet. What do you expect me to do?"

He smirked and raised an eyebrow, then chuckled when she blushed. "I'll take that as a maybe."

"Prat."

"You have good friends, Hermione."

"I know. You'd like them if you gave them a chance."

"I have a request." He crossed the room to her, reached to lift her chin, but saw her flinch and pulled back. "Could you find a girlfriend? It may make things easier."

"Don't start." She turned her head away from him. "Don't do that again."

"We have a lot to talk about," he sighed, not knowing if she referred to his comment or his touch. "If you are willing to try, we can try to fix this."

"What about Renee? That is her name I believe." She lifted her chin and tried to remain calm. "I heard the staff talking about her, that you and her are … close."

"Yes." His jaw clenched. "She is the widow of an old friend, and as such agreed to have her name smeared across the Prophet to give me reason to file for divorce. I am listed on the court papers as the spouse at fault."

"I see," Hermione saw the darkness come over him again. "I won't ask what you are unwilling to tell me, but … I …"

"Renee Mulciber if that is what you are asking," he sneered at her. "The widow of a death eater and one of the kindest, strongest, and smartest witches I know. Is that want you wanted to know?"

"I only wanted to know if you … do you care for her?" she looked at him evenly, trying to be firm. "Do you love her?"

"Do you care for Harry?"

"Of course I do, he is…"

"Do you care for Ronald?"

"Severus, I have known them since I came here."

"Neville? Is he a friend also?"

"You're telling me she is a friend, I get it," she snapped.

"Do you believe it?"

"I don't know," she whispered and lowered her eyes to the floor. "It hurt when you went to her."

"You would like her," he smirked.

"Don't push it." She frowned, and looked up at him. "Okay, she is a friend. She is a friend that you never told me about, and if I see her on your arm again I'll hex her into next week."

"So, where there is jealousy there is hope?"

"I never said I didn't love you. I just said you are a … I never said it."

"Do you?" He watched her nod and turn away from him. "That's a start."

"It's not enough."

"I didn't say it was, but that is my child you carry and I will be part of his life, and he will be part of mine."

"Why?" she turned back, her mouth closed in a thin tight line as she fought to keep her chin from trembling.

"You make me want more. You make me _want," _his voice dropped to almost a whisper. "It is something I have never felt before."

"Severus? What do we do now? Have we ruined everything?"

"I seriously don't know, but the reason we should try is inside you. Right now, he is more important than either one of us. We can do this right if we talk to each other."

"Do you think I we can do it?" she put her hand on his chest and looked up at him. "Everything has turned so ugly."

"I think you are beautiful." He leaned down to kiss her.

"Stop," she pulled away from him. "I can't do this now."

"Hermione, we need to try."

"I know, and I am will to give it time, but… things have to change."

"I came here to get my wife back, Hermione. If I didn't think we could do … if I didn't think _I_ could do this I would not be here."

"If you don't want to, that's fine. I will…"

"Stop," he pulled her tight, pressing his body into hers. "Does that feel like I don't want you?"

"Then why? Why do you say the things you do?"

"This time I will do it right. Hermione, if taking you to bed is the only thing that holds us together than we will be better apart. I grew up in a house where fighting was the norm but the bedroom well used. I will not have that for him. Do you understand? Do you understand that all this started because you were not honest with me?"

"It's not all my fault. You..."

"Stop. I did not say I was blameless. But it started the moment you poured the potion down the drain and didn't tell me what had happened. I admit complete responsibility for every thing after."

"Ronald said the same thing," she admitted. "He said I should have told you right off. I know it now, but … I didn't want to worry you, and then everything just got away from me."

"Sleep, my son needs his rest." He used his thumb to remove her tears, concerned by the dark circles under her eyes. "We can talk tonight. I think we both need to think about what is happening."

"Harry is coming back for me. I think it may be better for me to stay there for a few days more. It will give me time to think away from you. You confuse me and make me cry every time I see you."

"Think about what you want. Make sure this is it." He traced her mouth with the pad of his thumb. "I'll collect you on Friday. You should not be Apparating now. If you decide you want to try, and I hope you do, you can have these quarters back, until we settle everything. Just take good care of him."

"He's already a good baby," she smiled, looking down at her still small stomach and rubbed it. "The morning sickness just stopped all of a sudden a couple of weeks ago and he is making this so easy other than a big belly I don't feel any different at all."

"What did the midwife say?"

"From what Ginny says the same thing they always say. _Take your vitamins, get plenty of rest, and watch what you eat_." She smiled somewhat wistfully. "At first I … at first I didn't want it, now I can't imagine not having him. I didn't think it was possible to want something so much. That time in your office, when you said you would take me to a healer to get rid of it … I thought about it. I told myself he would be better off, that I … I couldn't do it."

"Of that I am glad." He tipped up her chin and searched her eyes. "When we started this I didn't realize how much I would come to want to hear your voice in my chambers, or to see your clutter on the floor."

"Ginny says she could already feel the twins moving by now, but the midwife says sometimes it takes longer. I keep waiting for it. I want to feel him move inside me."

"You will. I would hazard a guess that by the time he decides to be born you will want him to stop moving," he smirked at her.

"We need to make our decision before he is born. I don't think I could stand not knowing what is happening to him."

"Hermione, there is no time table. If it takes a week or a year. Do you understand?"

"I guess so," she sighed. "We really mucked it up. If I can forgive you…and I will work on it… can you ever trust me again?

"I am working on it. Even knowing the pensive is a … lie, it is hard to forget what I saw," he frowned. "For now, you need to rest. You look like you have been up all week, and I want you to promise to eat. I know you forget at times. We have to talk about Lucius … no let me finish. I have to find the proof I need to haul him to Azkaban myself. I have to see him. I may have to put on an act for him. Do you understand that this in no way means I will doubt you about him again? He wants you out of here and he wants me back. Do you understand what this means?"

"Yes, you promise to be careful?"

"As soon as I know if he is working alone he is in Azkaban or at the end of my wand. I will not allow this to grow. I have seen that happen before."

.

.

He sat at his desk and reread the letter he had penned to his solicitor, then leaned back and sighed. He imagined Hermione's anger if she were to find that he had asked only to delay the divorce, and not stop it completely. He stared into space, seeing not his chambers but the small kitchen at Spinners End. His mother sat at the table, her head on her arms as sobs wracked her body. He could still see the bruise on her cheekbone and hear his father's voice.

Severus stood and walked to the window, unlatching it and tying the missive around the waiting owl's leg. He was capable of the same thing, he thought, watching the owl fly off and into the sun. He knew he could become his father. There were times still when he would clench his fists and fight not to strike out, or slide his hand into his pocket and feel the smooth ebony of his wand.

When Minerva was still here, he could seek her out and rage at her, yelling and slamming his fist against the walls. She would wait until he had stopped, then bringing out her bottle and they would drink and talk until morning. She never questioned, never judged, just let him spend his anger on her and the walls. Hermione would yell back. She would not see his display for what it was, a release, a way to get back his control and in the moment she tried to stop him, he knew he was capable of hurting her. When he had fought with her in his office, he had wanted to lash out, and had crossed the room with his fists clenched, ready to strike, only just able to grab her at the last moment and pull her to him instead of harming her.

He stood and watched the path the owl took until it was well out of sight. A smirk turned into a grin, and then he chuckled at the thought of Draco with his nose bloodied and his tooth hanging loose admitting to his and Astoria's sexual appetites. Draco's memory morphed into the face of Lucius and the memory of his hands on Hermione again filled his vision.

Severus went to his desk to write a second missive. If he could not stop Lucius any other way, he would use his attack on Hermione to send him to Azkaban. He hesitated for a moment, knowing how painful it would be for Hermione to take the stand in court, but knowing unless she did she would never be safe or able to move beyond in. Gripping the quill, he wrote to Kingsley.


	29. Searching for an End

**Disclaimer: Not Mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breath**

**Chapter 29**

**Searching for an End**

* * *

The old House of Black once again stood empty, collecting dust and gathering darkness to it as if it were a beacon for every foul spirit it could find. Severus had arrived before Harry and had started in the top rooms, resetting wards and searching for any sign that the old wards had been breached. Finding a window on the second floor unwarded, he thought of Hermione's tea as he vainly searched for trace magic. If anyone had used this as an entry, it was too long ago to find any evidence.

"Up here," he shouted, hearing movement on the ground floor.

"Sorry I'm late," Harry ginned sheepishly. "Between Ginny and the kids it's hard to get out on time."

"Are you complaining Potter?" Severus intoned.

"Umm, no, just saying." Harry shrugged. "What's the matter?" He pointed to the window that still shined as it accepted the new ward.

"It won't hold." Severus frowned and recast the spell. "Who had this room?"

"It was just an extra. We had thought to make it into the nursery until we knew it was going to be twins."

"No one stayed here?" Severus mused. "What of recent guests?"

"Only Neville on occasion. If he and Hermione stayed up too late she always insisted he stay here rather than travelling alone."

"And?"

"_And_ nothing," Harry said evenly. "She is just like that. You know better than…"

"I am merely determining who had access to the window."

"It opens onto the back yard. Anyone with a broom could reach it."

"Potter, listen closely because I am no mood to repeat my self." He waited until Harry stopped fidgeting and gave him his full attention.

"I have very good reason to believe Lucius Malfoy has, or will soon, accomplish the creation of a vessel, as Voldemort used Quirrell, he is working on a way to house his soul without the weakness of a man's own desires to hinder him. All he needs is to create his Horcrux."

"And to do so, he has to take a life." Harry finished his thought.

"Yes, if he uses the same method. However, I am inclined to think he has a new plan. We cannot be sure but I would suggest you reset the wards at the Burrow and make sure you and yours are safely behind them in the event I am wrong. This includes Mr. Weasley and his intended. I have no doubt that Lucius will try to use this opportunity to rid himself of someone involved in the last conflict. I want you to find Minerva and warn her as well."

"It's Hermione. That's why you are here."

"Yes, by taking her life or my son's he would also be sending me a clear message. I also fear for Draco. My guess would be that he will use someone close to him in the original cause that he now perceives as a traitor, or the wife of a traitor."

Harry snorted, "Yeah right, he would go after his only heir."

"If he does not plan on dying, he has no need for an heir. I have often wondered as to his mindset in becoming a father. At one time, I believed it to be the only reason he had a child. Furthermore, you must have slept through your history lessons. Perhaps you should ask your wife to refresh your memory on mad men and their families."

"I don't need a refresher. I think if anyone would know what mad wizards are capable of I would."

"By the time you came to Hogwarts, Voldemort was already well recognized. No, Mr Potter, the trick history teaches is how to find the next one before the madness starts."

"And?"

"First we need to clear this house. Then we must be ready to gather a few we can trust." Severus looked at him solemnly.

"You want to call back the Order?" Harry clenched his jaw.

"Not at this time, but it would be wrong not to be prepared. We need the house ready in case we have need of it." He waited until he saw the young wizard nod. "I will not take the same path as Albus. I will cast the killing curse as soon as I am sure it is him, and take down his collaborators. Make no mistake in what I am. I am not a kind grandfather who has faith in love and its ability to save the world, and I will not allow it to go on to see my son die in a war not of his making because his father was unable to protect him."

"Who did you have in mind to use before calling in the entire Order?" Harry frowned.

"Kingsley will be of great assistance and if the Order is needed would be the most logical to lead."

"I would have pegged you for that title."

"I am beyond titles and accolades, Mr. Potter." He again cast a ward toward the window and shook his head, seeing it was of no use. "Are you familiar with the name, Mulciber?"

"Of course I am. I was there."

"His widow has been … helpful." He watched Potter closely and saw the tightening of his neck. "She can be so again."

"She is the one you … her picture is in the paper with you." Harry spat. "You plan on bringing her into this without telling Hermione?"

"No, I plan on bringing Hermione in without telling Renee. Hermione is aware of my … friendship with Renee Mucliber, and I would suggest you not hint that it is more than just that. I believe we have both been down that path before and have learned from it."

"I don't trust her and I won't have her here." Harry said firmly.

"I would, and have, trusted her with my life and the life of others, yours included. This house would be useful but not necessary, I will go elsewhere." Severus pushed Potter aside and stormed into the hallway, hurrying down the steps.

"Wait!" Harry thundered after him. "What do you mean with my life?"

"Mrs. Mulciber was instrumental is securing information in the last conflict that she then passed on to me. Not all wives followed their husband's inclinations, Potter."

"Why don't we know about her? Why didn't she stand at the trials and speak against Malfoy?" Harry yanked Snape's arm back, forcing him to stop and look at him.

"Why didn't I, Mr. Potter?" he sneered and pushed Harry away, turned and proceeded to the next level to start checking for trace magic.

"I was told you couldn't while you were on trial yourself," Harry said running after him. "Damn it Snape, talk to me."

Severus turned and looked at Harry with disgust. "Did you really think that it was over? Were you so stupid as to believe another would not step in and try to fill the void? No, Potter, we needed to keep her safe and her contributions to our side protected for when she was needed again."

"If Malfoy had been …"

"Stop it! If it were not Malfoy, it would be another! And another after that!" he stormed. "This is the chance we have been waiting for. A chance that the Headmaster you worshipped missed over fifty years ago. This time we can finish it before it gets out of control. This time I finish it as it should have been."

"You expect us to trust you? You really expect us to just get in line …"

"I expect you to get Weasley and have him figure out what is different about that window to the rest in this house. He seems to be the only one that has the patience and knowledge to read blueprints for more than where to hang curtains. We need to know if what we see has been altered from the original, and why it would matter. Kingsley was quite impressed with his work at the Goyle Mansion. I expect he can do the same thing here."

"Why would a window be…?"

"I do not know! You must learn to consider all possibilities," he sneered at the younger wizard. "You are hot headed and brash. You want to jump in and save the world without knowing the danger and by doing so you put people at risk. It is time you grew up."

"I'm not the same schoolboy that …"

"Good, I trust you will not kill my wife the way you did your godfather by rushing to a wrong conclusion!"

"Take it back," Harry raged, pulling his wand and levelling it at Snape.

"This is not a schoolyard, Potter," he smirked. "You know what your father was. I suggest you fight the urge to become him."

Severus turned his back and walked away, furious at the younger wizard but confident that he would not have the gall to fire a hex at his back. He angrily stepped into the floo and called out for the Ministry as he threw down the powder.

He arrived at the Ministry unannounced and demanded to be put in touch with Kingsley. After what seemed an unnecessary delay he was lead to a secured floo and allowed to step though to France.

"Severus?" Kingsley rushed to the floo, his face full of concern. "What brings you here? I take it this is more than your standard demands for Hogwarts supplies."

"It is starting over," he said stonily. "If you want stone cold evidence I don't have it, but if you will listen to what I have I am sure it is time to take action."

Kingsley frowned and indicated that Severus should stay where he stood then went to the door and spoke softly to the guards that watched the outer entrance. He threw up silencing spells around the portraits and with a flick of his wand turned them toward the wall. He took the floo off the network, then holding his finger to his lips he wrapped his arm around Severus' shoulder and took him away in a side-a-long.

"I take it you do not trust your French counterpart," Severus looked around to get his bearings. "Where the fuck are we?"

"No place." Kingsley frowned. "I thought it would be more private here."

Severus looked out at grape vines growing as far as he could see, turning in a circle he saw long rows of pruned vines, heavy with grapes, and smelled the air, heavy with their perfume. "Private? I would say desolate."

"Talk," Kingsley smirked. "You are just pissed that I did not take you to the winery."

"I would have been more receptive to the finished product than this," he waved his arm to indicate the fields. "It has started. I fear for my wife, and my son."

"Son? Congratulations old man! I knew she would be good for you. How is your young bride doing? Well I hope." He slapped Severus on the back and smiled broadly. "I am pleased for you friend."

"Hold your congratulations until you can assure me he will not be fodder for the next war that comes as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow. As for Hermione, she is not well. I fear the effects of her tea additive still wrecks havoc with her. However, there is a slight improvement. She is fighting again."

Kingsley chuckled and studied Severus. "It is strange to measure a witch's health by the number of hexes she can cast."

"This is the former Miss Ganger we speak of, she not only relies on her wand."

Kingsley laughed as he transfigured two chairs, which they sat in and started to discuss everything Severus had learned since finding the first of the centaurs in the forest. He told him of Hermione's research, and how non-magical animals had also been found, but nothing since the Unicorn, making this sound like the most logical choice for the vessel. He spoke of Horcruxes, and his fear that if a death were needed it would be his wife and unborn son.

"I thought at first Draco would be sacrificed, but recent facts lead me to believe that not to be true," he leaned forward, placed his arms on his legs and looked at the ground as he told Kingsley of Lucius' attack on Hermione, polyjuiced to look like Draco.

"You think the two are connected?" Kingsley mused. "I would agree Lucius would not seek out Hermione just for rape, but if, as you said, the vessel is not yet ready, what other reason would he have?"

"One of two reasons came to mind. The first would be to rid Hogwarts of Draco, freeing yet another position, giving him reason to step in and claim a position for himself, or … to remove me as Headmaster and take that appointment for his own." He raked his hand through his hair. "The second would be to drive Hermione away. First the addition to her tea, the reaction to the calming draught, the … pensieve he brought me, which he no doubt took from Astoria with or without a memory charm, as I am unsure as to her allegiance, although I believe her to be loyal to Draco. I just have not figured out why this would help his cause."

"I am not at liberty to talk of Draco, suffice to say you may trust Draco and his wife explicitly." Kingsley scowled.

"He had knowledge of the attack on my wife." Severus locked his eyes on Kingsley's.

"I am aware of that." Kingsley pressed his lips together, obviously not planning to give out more information.

"Understand me Kingsley, and make no mistake in what I say. I will trust you on this, as we have trusted each other in the past, but if he harms my family, I will exact my punishment not only on Draco. It will be on your head as well."

"I expect no less," Kingsley said solemnly. "I want to bring Lucius to trial for his actions against your wife."

"We are in agreement."

"If we can find enough evidence, and get him on the stand, he will have to deny the charges. At that time a truth serum can be administered and bring the rest to light."

"Only if we know who his second is. I will not merely do this to face it again in twenty years."

"Work on it, Severus. Find out who is with him. It is all we need. If we are ready, I will order the Aurors to sweep them in the moment Lucius takes the stand. They will not have time to hide this time."

"You need to assure Hermione's safety. If she does this, if she puts her name to a complaint she will be at risk. The wards at Black's old house have been breached, I suspect the same at the Burrow and I know I cannot keep him out of Hogwarts without letting him know I have some plan."

"I can assign Aurors to patrol the school and station a couple at the Burrow, but you know all we can do is try. She needs to know she is in danger."

"No, she needs to know her son is safe." Severus stood and waited for Kingsley to remove the chairs. "She has lost weight and is unable to sleep. It is the first sign that she worries, she stops eating, and I will not have her worried further at this point in her pregnancy. She is still ridding herself of the poison he managed to give her and is easily…undone."

"We will do what we can." Kingsley smiled widely. "I am truly happy that you are back with her. She fits your anger well."

"That she does," Severus chuckled. "I will ask you to look after them in the event I do not come out of it this time."

"You, my friend, are like a cat, with nine lives."

"I have used ten already. I will not survive another war." He sighed heavily. "Before it did not matter."

"And now?"

"Now? Now I want to see my son grow. I want to be around for his mother to hex me, and I want peace."

"Then, we should make sure it ends."


	30. The End of Dreams

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 30**

**The End of Dreams**

* * *

Hermione read the letter from Lydia and lifted her wand, and with a flick, hung a calendar to float in the air in front of her as she verified the date, hoping she had been wrong in her thinking. Swallowing hard, she sat heavily on the edge of the bed and stared straight ahead. _Fuck,_ she thought. She had hoped that they would have this weekend to talk before appearing in public as a couple again.

"Hermione?" Ginny stood with a baby on her shoulder, peeking into the doorway. "I don't want to pry, but I saw an owl come. Is there something wrong?"

"No," Hermione sighed. "We are having dinner on Saturday with the committee."

"Tomorrow Saturday or next week Saturday?"

"Tomorrow."

"It's a test you know. That Gloria is always doing this sort of thing. I mentioned to Mum that she was part of the committee and she told me Gloria was also on the Heraldry of Wizard Families board that cut the Weasley name back to fifteen generations pure from twenty-two."

"And that would matter how?" Hermione snapped. "I'm sorry Ginny, here give me him. I need my baby fix. I haven't held them yet today."

Ginny laughed and handed her Albus, then sat on the bed waiting for Hermione to join her. "It's more than family pride, at least for most. When she cut off seven generations, Mum said Dad was upset because of what else was happening at the time. He figured if someone could change the rules they could just as well make other families pure that weren't and feed into Voldemort's cause."

"Gloria? With the Dark Lord?" Hermione lifted her face from Albus' hair and looked at Ginny shocked.

"No! I didn't mean that. No, not Gloria. It just shows how ingrained this whole world is in family history."

"You said it was a test." Hermione handed back the baby.

"Do you keep the right clothes in your closet to accompany your husband wherever he needs to go? Are you willing to drop your plans for his work? Are you organized enough to get everything together in time if an emergency exists?" She nodded to the owl sitting on the window. "Can you accept before checking with your husband, since a good wife is also his social secretary? If he is accepted, he will also be on call for any emergencies in the wizarding world. This is so much more than rewriting text books, Hermione. You have no idea how important this is. He will be the unopposed expert. Every time they need help with new potion for an illness they can't control, or something the Healers find wrong with the old ones, he will be the one to go."

"That's medieval," Hermione spat. "Lydia said invitations were sent out a full month in advance."

"Social invitations yes, but what was the seal on this one? Is it Gloria's personal seal? Or that of the committee?"

"I guess we are going then," she sighed.

"Hermione, do you realize he will not only earn an Order of Merlin if he does this, but the highest honour that the French and German Ministries award, along with the status of being one of only a handful of wizards alive that have been named to the Membership of the Oracle of Delphi? You can't _not _do this. Dad said the rest are in spells, curses, and things like that, but in potions it is unheard of to overthrow methods that have been used for centuries."

Hermione jumped up and scribbled a reply, keeping in mind the wording Lydia and trained her on. Tying the note around the owl's leg, she shooed it off and turned back to Ginny. "I have nothing to wear and no time to have anything fitted."

"I'll floo to Astoria's place for you. I know she has things your size," Ginny sniggered.

"She is a good four inches taller than me and not pregnant."

"We can alter the front with simple charms, you're hardly showing at all, and as long as the shoulders and cut of the back is right you'll be fine. How much have your breasts grown?"

Hermione looked down at her chest and shrugged. "They were sore at first, but they seem fine now, and my old bras are fitting again."

"It will be easy," Ginny smiled. "Let me get these two over to Grandma, you finish packing, and I'll drop the dress off to Hogwarts."

"Thanks, but I can come back and get it if it's too much."

"If it was I wouldn't say I'd do it."

Hermione continued packing, keeping an eye on the clock and the window, expecting him to send an owl to tell her he was not coming. She had expected him to come by five but it was now after seven. By the time he walked into her room, she ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck.

"I didn't think you would come," she breathed in relief.

"I told you I would," he pulled her away and looked at her sternly. "Trust, remember that? You have to trust me. I said I would collect you."

"I'll try," she smiled thinly and walked to the desk to pick up the missive.

"I received the confirmation for our dinner from Gloria."

She spun back to face him. "I was told I should answer at once, that…"

"Hermione, I did not say you did anything wrong. I said I received it." He scowled at her.

"Not two minutes and we are doing it again," she sighed. "Let's go home before you change your mind and don't want me again or I decide to hex you."

He crossed over to her and cupped her head in both his hands. "You come because you want to work this out or you stay here. You do it because you want to, not to please me."

"Can I at least have a kiss?"

He leaned down as she stretched up to meet his mouth, intending to make it light, not leading to more, until he touched her lips, and his arms automatically sought more. He pulled her into him as he pressed his hips forward, his tongue seeking entry to her mouth, and his hands starting to roam sensually down her back. She leaned her head back, giving him access to her throat, whispering his name. Sliding his hand to her stomach, he stopped and stepped back.

"This is what got us to this point in the first place," he turned away, running his hands through his hair.

"I hope you give your girls more information than that. I would hate for them to think they can get pregnant from kissing," she smiled weakly.

"No, but they are told that is what it can lead to," he smirked.

"Don't worry," she laughed. "I'll still respect you in the morning. Anyway, we should hurry. Ginny is bringing me a dress, a proper dress for tomorrow's dinner. She said Astoria will lend me one."

"Astoria?" he felt his lip curl up. "Yes, from what I hear she has dresses in several sizes."

"I don't want to waste money on something I won't be able to wear again in a few months, and to get something done right it would have to be altered. It is a good thing she has something." She turned to Severus, her face serious. "Harry said it wasn't Draco. You should have told me."

"Until I am sure as to whom it was, I didn't want to worry you further."

"You don't think my believing my attempted rapist was living in the dungeons wasn't worrisome enough? What? I am I supposed to apologise to him now? I don't know if I can do that, I still saw him, heard his voice, felt him. If it wasn't him then who? Was it Lucius?"

"I am sure of it, but we need proof. I've talked to Kingsley about pressing charges. He wants to talk to you about it."

"At least this way we know who to watch, but I don't know … my memories are of Draco, how would I help? How would they believe anything I said? If they see my memory they would … my gods, that's what he wants me to do. He wants me to turn in Draco! What kind of father would do that?"

"We'll talk and you can make one of your famous lists on the pros and cons of turning into a Ministry's witness," he smirked at her. "I still don't want you walking down there alone. If he managed once, he can again."

"And now I have to be even more … you always wanted someone to be with me in the hallways." She locked his eyes on his. "You would get angry with Neville if I was late after class and you came looking for me the night Ronald brought me home. You were worried. I thought you were just … controlling me, trying to order me around, spying on me because you didn't trust me."

"There are still those that would hurt a wife of mine. Old grudges die hard."

"I'm sorry, Severus. I guess I should get used to saying that," she said softly. "I am so sorry I misunderstood you, but you don't make it easy with your jabs and scowls."

"No, you should get used to trusting me, not apologising."

"I'll work on it," she grinned. "But you have to promise the same."

He put her suitcases into the floo and sent them to her chambers in Hogwarts where Millie stood ready to haul them out. Then, asking Hermione to step in, hesitated and stepped back, sending her alone while he returned to his own chambers, knowing if he followed her now he would wind up in her bed and did not want to start that again until he was sure.

Hermione stepped out and found Millie already busily unpacking, floating clothes the cupboard as the books zipped to the shelves until they were full. She grinned and stepped back, affording the objects room to whip around the room, happy to see the she was almost completely unpacked in less than five minutes.

"Master said you not to lift. He says you need to sit and wait for Harry Potter's Ginny Missus but she come and leave."

"Did she leave a dress?" Hermione started slowly to the bedchamber, holding her back with both hands.

"Yes, Missus, I help you. Harry Potter's Ginny she say try it."

"Later," Hermione winced as she sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm going to lie down for a while. Would you tell your Master … never mind I'll floo if I need anything, just let him know I am sleeping and I will see him in the morning."

"Yes Missus, you just say my name and I come. I am to serve you."

"Thanks Millie," she pulled her legs up on the bed and rolled to her side, as another cramp hit her back. "Millie, just make sure all the books get unpacked. I think I got the boxes too heavy this time. Wait, get back here."

"Yes, my Masters Missus."

"Millie? What is that you have on?" Hermione smiled widely. "It's clothes! Millie, you are wearing an apron! And is that a skirt I see? Turn around… let me look."

"Yes," Milled clasped her hands and smiled. "For the babies. I promise the Master if he has you make baby I wears clothes!"

"You what?" Hermione scowled. "When was this?"

"Long time," Millie's ears fell as she saw Hermione's face. "Before you comes."

Hermione laid her head on the pillow and waved Millie away, making a mental note to talk to Severus about this revelation. She managed to fall into a fitful sleep only to wake in the middle of the night by severe pains in her lower back, and cramping that she knew at once was radiating from her cervix. Unable to reach her wand she swung her legs out of bed and tried to stand as hot, sticky clotted-blood slid down her legs. Screaming for Millie, she collapsed on the floor next to the bed franticly reaching for her wand.

Millie had only arrived and seen the blood smeared across the bed and heard the sobs before appearing before Severus. He felt her hitting his arm and pulling at his pillow jabbering incoherently.

"Millie, it this is another case of the kitchen being out of Hermione's tea I am going to hex you into next week. Trust me, I can get the spell from your Missus," he groused, as he sat up and ran his hands over his face, trying to focus on the clock.

"Missus, you come. You hurry, Missus she bad," she cried and pulled at his hand with such urgency that he stood up and grabbed his wand, preparing to fight.

"Who is with her?" He asked. "Is she hurt? Is it…"

"Alone, alone and blood…the baby." Millie reached her hand up and nodded. "Come, we hurry."

Severus grabbed her hand and clenched his teeth, knowing elf travel was faster than the floo but could sicken him if he was not prepared. As soon as Millie's fingers circled his wrist, he was standing at the foot of Hermione's bed. His eyes swept across the bloodied sheet and came to rest on the top of her head that showed over the edge of the mattress.

"Hermione," he ran around to the side and fell on his knees in front of her, gathering her into his arms.

"Severus, make it stop. You can do it. You know spells that they won't let anyone use. You must know something. Please, Severus make it stop." She clung to him, her nails digging into his arms. "A potion maybe, you must have a potion. A new one. Please."

"Shhh," he cooed, looking at Millie over her head. "Get Poppy."

"No, no Severus. No, she will say there is nothing to do. You know she will, no … no, not her," she tried to get free of his arms, tried to crawl backwards, one arm still protectively wrapped around her stomach.

"Hermione, come back to bed. Let me help you up," his voice cracked as he tried to reassure her.

"No! No! Not the baby. Why, Severus, why?" she sobbed, reaching to put her bloodied hand to his cheek. "What did I do? What did I do wrong?"

"You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault. It's no one's." He grabbed her face and forced her to look at him. "I am going to put you back in bed. Then you will let Poppy examine you."

"No! No, I want to keep him in me. I want to feel him move. Fix him. Please fix him. If you love him, you can do it. I don't care if it's dark magic, I don't care, just fix it. Please. I'll leave and never try to see you again. I'll do anything you want, only fix it, Severus. Please. You never have to see me again. Just fix him, please."

Severus swivelled his head to the sound of the floo and saw Poppy hurrying to them. Poppy stopped and surveyed the scene and shook her head sadly. Pulling out her wand as she ignored Hermione's pleas, she joined the couple, dropping to her knees on the floor as well, she immediately lifted Hermione's blood soaked gown and looked between her legs. Passing her wand over the blood soaked knickers, she removed them along with the the clots and tissue, she sighed and sat back on her knees and locked her eyes on Severus.

"No!" Hermione screamed, reaching out to push her away, only to feel Severus pull her roughly to his chest.

"Millie," Poppy called the elf. "Clean the bed and put a couple of towels down for her to lie on." She cleaned up Hermione with her wand, ridding her of the residual blood, and seeing Severus' nod removed the foetus and the rest of the tissue and clots as well. "As soon as Millie is done get her in bed. Make her rest and I mean _in bed_ rest. There really is not anything left to do for now. It appears to be complete, but I will check her on and off during the day to make sure everything discharged and that the cervix is closing."

"No, Severus, tell her you can fix it," she sobbed into his chest. "Tell her … tell her… I want him back, please."

He lowered his head into her hair as Poppy stood and returned to the infirmary, leaving them alone. "Hermione, let me get you to bed."

He slid his arms under her and picked her up, sitting her on the bed and lifted off her dress, then slipped the clean nightgown that Millie had laid out over her head. He put his arm behind her and guided her down to the pillow as his other arm picked up her legs and helped her lay down.

"Do you need a pain potion?" He sat on the edge of the bed, his hand over hers that lay on her stomach.

"I am sorry, Severus. It's my fault," she sobbed and rolled away from him to hide her face. "I did it."

Climbing on the bed and spooning around her, pulling her tight he whispered, "Don't ever think that. It happens. When you feel better, we can try to find out what caused it. But it's not your fault."

"When I first thought I was pregnant I didn't want him. I thought you would be angry with me, and didn't want him. If I had wanted him at the beginning, this wouldn't have happened."

"Shhh, but you did want him. I know you did."

"I want my Mum," she sobbed into her pillow. "She doesn't even know. She doesn't even know who I am but I want my Mum."

Severus lifted up her head and slid his arm under her, cocooning her and holding her. He felt the sobs that racked through her, and closed his own eyes against the pain. Waiting until she fell into a restless sleep, he carefully got out of bed and went to the owlery to send Ginny Potter a letter, asking her to come. As he watched the owl leave, he thought of Hermione, and knew what she would need. Pulling out his quill, he sent another message off to Ronald. _Hell has indeed frozen over_, he thought, as he turned to wake Neville. He wouldn't have her pull into a shell as she had the last time she had been overcome with grief. He remembered her at his trial, how she had not had anyone to stand by her, because she had pushed them away.

He watched the second owl follow the first, flying low to the ground before skimming the lake and rising to scale the mountain. He saw Hermione as she had been a week ago, and heard her pleas for him to 'fix it', and slammed his fist into the owlery's stone wall welcoming the pain.


	31. His Son Too

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 31**

**His Son Too**

* * *

Neville sat next to the bed watching over Hermione, a book open on his lap, his quill and parchment hovering in the air next to him as he continued to work through the morning. Snape had asked him to stay in case she woke while he showered and changed, not wanting her to try to get out of bed herself.

Ginny Potter had gone directly to the Headmaster's Chambers to find out how Hermione was handling the loss, and took one look at Severus before enlisting Harry to convince him to sleep before checking on his wife. He was adamant that he had slept, but once Ginny sat in his sitting room and refused to move, he realized she was not one to fool easily.

"Hermione is sleeping," Harry had told him. "I'll wake you once she is up, but if you don't sleep now you won't be any good to her later when she needs you."

Severus relented and laid across his bed, his boots hanging over the side, intending to only rest until he heard them leave, but drifted off dreaming of Voldemort and his son.

"Severus?" Hermione sat on the edge of the bed, and placed a hand on his cheek. "Severus?"

He opened his eyes slowly, as if coming out of a fog. Seeing her sitting on the side of his bed it took him a moment to realize where he was and what had happened.

"You should be in bed." He sat up and pulled her to him. "Lay down."

"I had to come," she looked at him tearfully. "I was talking to Ronald and he said that he couldn't imagine what you were feeling and I realized … Severus? Did you want him too? He was yours as much as mine."

"Yes," his voice cracked. "Now lay down, Poppy said bed rest, although I do not think she meant mine."

She turned to her side and lay down next to him, laying her head on his chest. "Poppy said when I stopped … feeling pregnant … you know … I wasn't sick all the time, my breasts didn't hurt any more, I never felt him move, she said these were all signs that I had already lost him."

"It is not your fault."

"I should have known," she sobbed. "Can I stay here for a while? Just a little while then I'll leave."

"I thought you would want your friends near."

"I want to be here with you. I feel … empty, lonely. Everyone is in my sitting room, but I feel so lonely I just want to cry."

"That is to be expected," he said softly, as he hugged her. "You need to sleep."

"I have slept."

"Hermione, don't be difficult." He pushed her hair behind her ear. "And yes, I want you here, and yes, I did want him."

"You will do fine tonight." She rose up on one elbow and looked at him. "I had Ginny help me write a regrets card but said you would be at the dinner with a suitable escort."

"What?" He sat up and looked at her incredulously. "You can't be serious!"

"I am quite serious." She scowled at him. "I asked Lydia what to do, or rather I sent Millie to ask her and she agreed a note was in order. Why did you free her?"

"The question should be why she agreed to be free."

"Well?"

"She misses caring for a family. Long ago, she made me a promise that she would wear clothes if she had one to look over. Hermione, I won't leave you, not like this, and not today."

"Listen, I have a room full of people that won't leave me alone. It is so crowed down there I don't even think they realize I am gone yet," she tried to smile. "I will not, do you hear me? I will not have this stop what you have worked so hard at."

"It doesn't matter, I would prefer to …"

"Oh shut up," she laid back and looked up at him feeling tears sting her eyes. "I already feel guilty over everything. Don't put this on me too. I know you don't feel like going, I really do, but it is important, and if you don't do it now, it is one more thing that can stand between us a year from now. I know you don't think it will, but what happens in five years when they don't let you have another chance? Will you always think of me and … and the … of me and think it was my fault?"

"No," he said gruffly and stood up, pulling on his robes.

"Millie," she called sitting up. "Take me back to my chambers and get your Master's dress robes out. He has a … a friend coming soon and you need to make sure he is ready when she gets here."

"A friend?" Severus scowled as she slowly climbed out of bed and held Millie's hand.

"An old friend of yours has agreed to accompany you this evening. From what I understand she knows how to behave and will be an asset. I thought to ask Ginny but I thought it should be someone you trust."

"Hermione, don't do this," he said angrily and signalled Millie to step away as he walked around the bed to her.

"It's called trust. You said yourself that I need to learn it. You owled my friends, even Ronald that you hate. I owled Renee. If I have to trust you, you have to trust me. Your words, not mine."

"Hermione," he sighed and hugged her to him. "You don't have to do this."

"Yes I do." She pushed him back and held out her hand to Millie. "I do however plan to wait up for you and if you are late I will hex her to the point she will not be able to ever have sex again. Just so you know."

"That's trust?" He folded his arms and looked at her from under his brows.

"As much as I can muster right, now so don't push," she smiled weakly, then looked down at Millie and nodded.

.

"Poppy, I am fine." Hermione complained at her third examination later that night. "You said yourself it was complete."

"Yes, and a month ago I would have thought you would have had a healthy baby. So shut up and let me make sure the next one will be."

"You can do that?" Hermione looked at her stomach and then up at Poppy. "I read up on miscarriages and no place did it say you could do that."

"Perhaps, perhaps not. There is nothing out of the order in the uterus. The tests so far show one of two things. One, the foetus was not developing correctly in which case, your body did exactly what it is designed to do, and expelled it, or you have something easily fixed. So keep quiet while I examine you."

"Easily?" Hermione looked at her sceptically.

"For the brightest witch of our times you seem to have forgotten your own world," Poppy sighed. "Not that I send many witches out to the Muggle world, but in your case that is exactly what I am going to do."

"This is my world now." Hermione started to get up only to have Poppy push her back down.

"Not until I have a look." She frowned and gently separated Hermione's knees, then passed her wand up to light her field of vision. "Right as rain."

Hermione felt a shiver of magic flow up and seem to settle in her womb.

"There, now in the Muggle world I would have to tell you to wait weeks to have relations with your husband, but so is the wonder of magic." She looked at Hermione turn red and just gave her a wink. "Don't carry on, how else do you think this happened?"

"What did you mean about the Muggle world?" Hermione said, changing the subject.

"We are sadly lacking in preventive medicine. I often think because our healing skills are so good we find little need for them. We also have three times the infant mortality than the Muggle world."

"Three … why have I never seen the studies?"

"The Ministry does not want to panic young mothers," she frowned. "I have, on occasion, used a squib that has a clinic in Manchester. He will do blood tests and suggest some simple vitamins to take. Things like folic acid and the like. It may not be a guarantee, but I can say that between him in that world and our magic in this one I have never lost two babies from the same mother. Only on a rare occasion does he find that something more needs to be done, but I would have found something that serious. You come down to the infirmary tomorrow and I will take some blood and sent it over to him, just in case. Now, I trust you will be fine next time."

"If there is a next time." She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "You know we are having problems, and you know he never planned on this one."

"This? This is normal, Hermione."

"This is my fault." She felt the tears start again. "Did you see the way he looked at me? Did you…I made him angry again. I thought he would want to go to the Delphi meeting tonight, now he is angry about that as well."

"Ah, child." Poppy hurried to sit next to her and wrapped her arm around her shoulders. "I saw a man whose life has changed forever. He loves you child, he just does not know how to show it."

"He looked like he hated me," she choked out. "He finally accepted it was his, now this. He looked at me as if I had tricked him again."

"No, he hated what was happening and that he could not stop it. That he could not do what you wanted him to." Poppy sighed and stood up. "I have known him for longer than you have been alive, and I can tell you that if you are waiting for him to say sweet nothings and talk long into the night you have picked the wrong wizard. He will turn himself inside out trying to give you what you ask for, and expect nothing in return but he will never bring you flowers and remember your birthday. They are not things of importance and a bother to him."

"I didn't pick him," she sighed. "I just happened to fall in love with him and I wish I hadn't."

"That's no way to talk about your husband," Poppy frowned as she gathered up her medical kit. "Your hormones are playing havoc young woman, but you need to be careful with what you voice."

"It would make it easier for him to leave me," she whispered, lifted her head and tried to smile at Poppy. "It's the hormones, you're right. I find myself getting depressed, then seem to snap out of it for a while. I am sure it is just the hormones."

"It may be the hormones and the fact that he is worried about so many things right now," Poppy picked up her robes and slung them over her arm. "Now go pretend you are not waiting up for him. Neville ordered up dinner and is waiting in the sitting room."

"Thanks," she hopped off the bed and walked to see Neville as Poppy disappeared into the floo.

.

.

After eating and playing two games of chess, she sent Neville away, saying she was tired and planned to sleep. Curling up on the bed and watching the magic window, she waited for Severus to come home until well after midnight. Just as she was dozing, she saw him and Renee walking to the castle, his arm casually thrown over the witch's shoulder.

She jumped up and ran to the loo, splashing cold water on her face and running a comb through her tangles until she gave up and put it in a twist, securing it with her wand. She looked at her reflection and wished she were as pretty as the witch that had just spent the evening with her husband. _Trust_, she thought, _but it's not him I don't trust_. She smiled realizing the truth that had just washed over her. She trusted her husband, not the witch.

She returned to the sitting room just in time to see the door open and the couple walk in. Renee looked up at Severus nervously and seeing his nod, turned back to Hermione.

"Good evening, Mrs. Snape," she said crisply. "It was very kind of you to allow me this opportunity to accompany your husband. I believe it went well this evening."

"Mrs. Mulciber," Hermione nodded, looking up at Severus, unable to read his face. "Do sit. I took the liberty of ordering tea. However, my husband usually takes stronger refreshment this late. Would you care for a drink instead?"

"No, tea will be fine," Renee watched Severus from the corner of her eye, as he led her to the sofa and indicated for her to sit. "I really cannot stay long I…"

"You will sit and have tea." Severus sat down in the extra chair which would leave no place for Hermione except next to Renee."

Hermione sat and reached to pour the tea, casting Severus a look that told him exactly what she thought of his plan. He could have easily lead Renee to the empty chair, but now he forced them into close proximity.

"No," Renee said quietly, putting her hand over Hermione's. "You shouldn't be stretching. Please let me be mother."

Hermione stiffened and picked up the pot to finish, again feeling Renee's hand still her own. "Please, Mrs. Snape. I know how you feel but please, let me do this."

Hermione slammed the pot down on the table, feeling blood rush into her ears, not knowing why she was suddenly angry. Not knowing what had caused her to want to smash something. She felt Renee's arms go around her as she slumped into the older witch, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Good one, Snape," Renee spat, looking over Hermione's head. "I told you this was a bad idea. What the fuck were you thinking? She miscarried just over twenty-four hours ago, what the bloody hell do you think she is going through!"

She stood up with Hermione, starting to walk her to the bedroom, when Hermione pushed her away. "I don't need your help," she raged, then turned to Severus. "Why did you bring her here? You know, you know how hard this is for me."

"Great." Renee stepped back from her at once. "I am so sorry. He led me to believe you had invited me. I never would have come unless I thought you… forgive me, I'll leave at once."

She hurried to where her robes lay on the back of the sofa and with trembling hands reached out for them as Severus stepped up and stopped her. "I invited you here."

"It was not your place. You are married now, and your wife obviously does not want me." She threw her outer robe over her shoulders and turned to leave, held back by Severus' hand.

"Hermione, Mrs. Mulciber is my guest, and as such she will be treated with respect. Do you understand?"

Renee's free hand came up so fast Hermione could only gasp after the sound of the slap reverberated around the room. "Do you understand what she feels like you fucking bastard? Do you understand what happens when you lose a child? One that grows inside you and… you fool, you never told her I was coming. You dragged me in here to be embarrassed. Didn't your friend Gloria get in enough jabs or do you have to throw in a few of your own?"

She yanked her arm away and rushed into the hall, the sound of her footfalls growing dimmer as Severus turned slowly back to Hermione.

"She lost a baby?" Hermione asked her eyes still on the door.

"Two." Severus said evenly. "Her husband was too quick with his fists. I wanted you to meet her."

"This will go down as one of the most hurtful things you have ever done, Snape," Hermione glared at him. "Now, go bring her back. Later you can explain why you didn't warn me."

"She will want to be by herself for a …."

"I don't give a fuck what you do. Grovel for all I care, but go get her!"

Severus walked to the door then turned back to look at her sheepishly. "What made you change your mind about her, if I may be so bold as to ask?"

Hermione looked at him blankly wondering if all men were so stupid or just him. "She didn't back down after she hit you, and you just stood there and took it. She's done it before and you're used to it."


	32. Renee

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 32**

**Renee**

* * *

Severus returned alone. Renee telling him it was too late and that Hermione needed her rest. She had berated him for expecting his wife to entertain with tea and act the hostess within such a short time of losing her child. She promised she would lunch with Hermione in a few days and without apologizing for the handprint still visible on his cheek had stomped away. Good to her word, three days later, she sat in Hermione's sitting room watching as Millie served, insisting she would leave if Hermione so much as lifted a finger.

"Millie?" she leaned forward and stared at the elf. "You are Millie are you not? I think I remember you from my time here."

"Yes, Missus of the bad man," Millie lowered her ears and shot Hermione a look of fear.

"Millie! You apologise at …"

Renee lifted her hand to Hermione and shook her head. "Yes, Millie he was a bad man, but he is dead now. Do you think you can find something else to call me?"

"No," Millie ran to the fireplace and smacked her head on the bricks. "You are a Missus, he was bad man."

"That is fine, Millie." She shrugged at Hermione.

"You may leave now, Millie," Hermione said, biting her lip in embarrassment.

"She has to use titles. It is their way with adults. I have only ever heard an elf call a student by their name, and then it is the whole name, never just the first, and the last only with Miss or Master tagged on." Renee smiled weakly. "That gives you an idea of how I was greeted at the dinner the other night. They had elves serving, and trust me when I say a house elf knows everyone."

"How did the rest of it go?" Hermione put down her cup and leaned back in her chair.

"Once you move to the sofa and put your feet up I will tell you. I know you are still cramping, I don't give a damn what the mediwitch says, it takes a few days."

Hermione looked relieved and moved as Renee had insisted, sitting sideways and letting Renee lift up her feet and put a pillow behind her back. Sitting in the chair facing her, Renee took up her cup and leaned back. "Now, let's talk about what you really want to know."

Hermione felt her face flame red as she looked down at her cup, feigning interest in her tea.

"One, I am not sleeping with him." Renee waited until Hermione raised her eyes. "Two, I have never slept with him. Now, if you do not believe me I will leave. I am tired of this kind of interview. I have been through them quite enough."

"I am sorry, Renee. It is just after everything in the paper…"

"He wanted to give you a divorce, and in this world that is possible if the husband takes a lover, refusing to … give his wife children. There are other ways, but this is by far the simplest. At the time, I thought it was what you both wanted. I am sorry. I heard the rumours, and you being so much younger than he … I too believed them. I am not proud of what I did, nor will I lie about it. He asked me to help him and I did. I would do anything he asks."

"You have known him a long time."

"Yes, since Hogwarts. He and my husband were great friends. I was a fifth year when they left. It was my husband and Lucius that …" She shook her head. "It is still hard to talk about. I loved my husband once, but he became … different. Please, there should be no misunderstanding what I say. I knew he had a penchant for the dark arts, as did Severus. Bloody hell, most Slytherins did at that time. Slughorn encouraged it with that stupid club he had. I am sure you are aware of Lily Evans? Yes, I thought so. She was one of Slughorn's favourites, but she managed to resist his … push into potions. Anyway, I lost the first child the night the Potters died. My husband was … dissatisfied that I had not been able to be more useful. The second, I lost about two years later. That is when he decided I was no longer a _good_ wife, at least that is what he claimed although he had left me by the time he … I lost the child. If it had not been for Severus, I think I would have taken my own life."

"Your husband took Severus to the Dark Lord, him and Lucius?"

"No, don't ever think it was anything that Severus did not want," she said coldly. "We all did. We all thought Riddle would raise this world to a level of prosperity not seen before and have great things just for the wanting. It was different then. We were young. We believed him."

"I can't believe he would have done it without a reason. Without being pushed into it. I just cannot reconcile the man I know to one that would follow that monster."

Renee laughed softly, and set down her cup, pushed up her left sleeve, turning her arm to expose the softer under skin. "I am not a stupid woman, Hermione. Yet here is my mark. Do you think that all followers were like Bellatrix? Mad? If it were so. the war would not still be going on, and it is still going on."

Hermione sat up and swung her legs back to the floor. "You?"

"Yes, you knew it already. Didn't you? When you heard my name?"

"I... I didn't… believe it."

"It is a sad thing when you find it easier to think I was sleeping with your husband than working with him."

"When you lost the babies? How far along were you?" Hermione asked to change the topic from the one of trust she saw coming.

"The first seven months. I think he could have lived if he'd had medical care, I … went into early labour. The second, my girl, was stillborn," she said steadily. "I was alone by that time. My husband holed up with his whore and me quite alone. Severus took me to his house at Spinner's End and let me recover. By that time, he had arranged to hide me. I stayed away until my husband died, and only when I felt safe enough to return did I. That is, of course the short version. If we ever have the time and a bottle of whiskey, we can get drunk and share horror stories. From what I hear you have a few of your own."

"Where did he hide you?"

"That my dear is not for you to know," Severus strode into the room glaring at Renee. "I asked you to confine your comments to the current events. If you plan on helping, fine, if you plan on dredging up the past for my wife's amusement I will ask you to leave."

Renee began to laugh and Hermione opened her mouth to protest. "Let him go on. He is worried I will rat him out to you. He is really a softy you know. He bought me a villa, a small one to be sure, but a villa none the less. It is in Italy and overlooks the bluest bay you have ever seen. You really must make him take you there, it is yours now."

"Mine?" Hermione looked at Severus and saw him clench his jaw.

"Oh, come Rasputin, tell her," Renee giggled as Severus sputtered. "He was angry when I wanted to turn it back and would not let me put it in his name, so I put it in yours. I do not need it, and it is in a wizarding area, not easily sold."

"Okay," Hermione laughed. "Rasputin?"

"Not now," Severus scowled.

"Yes, you remember your history? How did they kill Rasputin?" She grinned, ignoring Severus completely. "Our Severus is equally as charmed. That or he is a cat twice over. However, he is correct. We need to concern ourselves to the here and now. Now, I have to know exactly what you know about Lucius. Every encounter you have had with him, as him or as Draco. Every word he has said. Not what you think you heard, but what he said. Every time you saw him, in the halls, in town, was he in court when you testified for Severus, was he watching you?"

"Why?" Hermione felt uncomfortable.

"I have a date this coming Thursday and I need to prepare," she said flatly. "I will also be borrowing a pair of your jeans. Although I have never in my life worn a pair, I hear that you prefer them."

"No!" Hermione came to her feet. "He would never believe it. He would know something is wrong. Severus, you can't let her do it."

"As far as Lucius knows, I have kicked you out. I believe that the child you still carry is not mine and have placed the blame on Draco, per the pensieve he showed me. You are now a distraught witch, cast out by her husband and refused by her lover. In hopes that the Malfoy name will continue with you, you are running to Lucius for support."

"That will never work, he will see through it in a second," she fumed. "He knows the pensieve is a fake. He would have to admit it, and he would not do that to save his son. He would leave Draco to deal with me. No, we have to do better. If I got pregnant at the rape … he would know it was a lie as well, but he would have to admit it because if Draco… no… This is crazy. We need to find out how he made that pensieve."

"This is where I leave," Renee chuckled and started to get up when Severus shot her a glare. "Fine, it should be fun."

"What is she talking about?" Hermione turned to see Severus pour himself a drink. "It is rather early for that."

"Hermione, it was not a complete fake." He threw back the whiskey in one swallow as Renee started to laugh. "Draco and his wife like to … Hermione, you need to understand that I was not aware of this when I saw…"

"Oh good grief, Severus, you sound like you are a little kid about to be punished," Renee laughed. "Hermione, it was Astoria. She takes Polyjuice and enjoys the reactions it in triggers in Draco. I would guess that he must to the same for her, but really, you should take it as a compliment."

"A what?" Hermione choked out, her face burning red.

"Well, he wants to have sex with you. Not you really, he had sex with Astoria, just looking like you." She laughed. "I just wonder at him sharing what he does with his father. To me _that's_ the kinky part. Can you imagine showing that to your _father_?

"That's enough, Renee," Severus sighed.

"You let me borrow a dress from her? Ginny knows? Everyone knows but me?"

"It was not important," Severus muttered.

"It is to me! How would you feel if someone took polyjuice and passed for you to have sex?"

Severus glared at Renee who began to laugh, covering her mouth with her hand.

"I don't think he has to worry," she gasped, laughing harder, trying to catch her breath as he continued to glare. "I am sorry, but I think a witch would hold out for someone better looking."

Hermione felt her anger fall away and her lips fight to curl up into a smile as she bit the inside of her cheek, finally turning her back on Severus when she was unable to stop it. She heard Renee guffaw and began to giggle.

"And younger," Renee snorted.

"I... I am … sorry." Hermione laughed into her hands. "Oh my gods, I can't help it."

"I am so glad I could add to your merriment," Severus said dryly. "If the two of you are quite done we should get back to our discussion."

"Renee, I think I need a drink," Hermione smiled widely. "I needed this. It's been a long while since I have had a good laugh." She looked at Severus and began to laugh again as she poured herself and Renee a drink.

"I am so glad I could help you with that," Severus intoned.

"Okay," she sighed as she sat back down. "So, Lucius knows that one, I did not get pregnant from Draco. He also knows that since he did not complete the rape there was no child there. However, he does believe that I am a filthy Mudblood that has no morals so it just got a lot easier. I will tell him that since I have the pensieve I will use it against Draco in a court of law. I will also tell him that since Draco also tried to rape me I expect monetary compensation."

"He will not care," Severus said flatly. "He has enough money to buy off whatever demands you make and does not care what happens to his son."

"Ah, but when I make part of the settlement that I demand, that the child carries his last name and that it is recognized as a true Malfoy, and hint strongly that the resulting scandal will eliminate him from ever gaining a position here at Hogwarts it may be enough to get him to talk."

"No, if he thinks his plan is at risk of discovery he would not let you leave alive."

"I can be rather convincing my dear," Renee purred. "I am not so foolish to meet him in a private setting. We will be at the Hogs Head and I do know to check my drinks for drugs. I am also a fair one with a wand and will not hesitate to use it."

"Severus?" Hermione questioned.

"It's weak."He scowled.

"Okay," Renee thought aloud. "So Hermione says she has proof that it was him. She says she knows about Draco and his sexual appetites, however, since Lucius used Polyjuice once, the courts would believe he did so again. She will then simply imply that he must acknowledge the child as his own or she will swear the pensieve was him as well, she will threaten to tell the court she thought it was Draco, but found differently later."

"I don't like it." Severus examined his glass carefully. "You underestimate him and think he would somehow care about such things. No, if he is going to admit enough to get him on the stand we have to hit his pride."

"Great," Hermione snorted. "We say that he is a lousy fuck."

"No," Renee said calmly. "We threaten his wife. Malfoy is cold bastard, but he does love his wife. We tell him Narcissa will find out he's been fucking the clerk at the emporium in Hogsmeade and that you are bringing Draco up on attempted rape charges. You are only talking to him because he is an old friend of your husband's, but unless he can talk Severus into … keeping you … you are a vengeful bitch and will destroy his marriage as he destroyed yours."

"No offence," Hermione said to Severus before turning back to Renee. "But why would I want Severus back?"

"Pride, prestige, a Mudblood with one of the most powerful wizards of our time, it would be an easy sell." Renee leaned forward on her seat. "The story needs work, but I know the trick is to go after Narcissa and have you play the evil Mudblood card."

"We have Aurors undercover. They will be there well before the time of the _date_ and will not let her out of their sight," Severus interjected.

"He will know she is not pregnant." Hermione looked at the witches flat stomach and small waist. "You should let me go. I still look pregnant it will be a while before…"

"Absolutely not." Severus frowned. "You are still weak and in no condition to go out."

"He is right," Renee added. "I have taken the liberty of taking a hair from your brush at the Potters. You were pregnant while you were there. Lucius will be none the wiser, and even if I were to use a pillow he will not get close enough to know."

"What if he casts a spell not believing there is a child? What if he thinks I am trying to trick Draco into … into… blackmail. What if he thinks I am trying to blackmail him? Well, of course that's what we want him to think, but he has to think there is still a baby." Hermione began to pace, thinking up scenarios. "He may think it is just my way of getting my job back. I need a quill. I need to make a list. So many things could go wrong. And he would know I would never go out on a date in this world in jeans."

"Told you," Severus smirked. "She will have a hundred what if's before dinner time."

"You have a point about the baby," Renee mused. "I'll have to see that mediwitch and see what we can do about adding a heartbeat."

"Your voice is wrong," Hermione spun back to look at her. "Even if you can impersonate my voice, you talk too slow and sound too… too northern, almost as if you were raised here."

"I plan to sob and cry a lot," Renee said flatly.

"Great, he will hex you five minutes into the evening and that is only if he is four minutes late," Hermione rolled her eyes. "No, you have to argue with him. Just tell him flat out what you want, don't beg… I would never… well almost never… okay, you should beg him to help the baby, but not you, never you. The baby … you should…"

"Hermione?" Severus heard her voice crack and crossed over to her, pulling her into his chest.

"This has been a lot for her," Renee sighed. "I will go see that mediwitch while she rests. Make that list, we can fine tune the story later."

Severus scooped her up and took her into the bedroom where he laid her on the bed, climbing in next to her and pulling her to his side. "Now sleep."

"You can't expect me to sleep after what I just heard." She looked up at him.

"You need to rest. One hour. One hour then you can make your list."

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I just miss him. I wanted him, Severus, I really did."

"Shhh," he kissed the top of her head. "You will feel better if you sleep."

"Renee said she wanted to kill herself when she lost hers."

"Yes," he sighed. "You have to understand her situation to fully understand what she went through. She lost a lot more than a child."

"And?"

"She took the mark … she was forced. Her husband dragged her in front of the Lord and demanded she take it because she was carrying a child, a child he wanted to dedicate to the Dark Lord. Then, only a month later the Lord was dead, and he beat her for not taking part in the attack, for not protecting his Lord." He sighed deeply. "I should have taken her away then. I was too busy protecting myself, to see what was going on. I only learned of the second beating years later when St. Mungo's owled, saying there was a witch who was asking for me."

"You?" Hermione twisted her head up to look at him again, only to have him push her head back down.

"She must have been desperate, and indeed she was. By that time, I was the blood traitor, and any of the death eaters risked their lives in even talking to me. I hid her, and supported her until she could work."

"You loved her." Hermione said simply.

"Yes, at one time I did. Very much so."

"But not now?"

"Yes, as you love your friends."

"Like you loved Lily?"

"Yes, I think I loved her much as you loved Ronald. A temporary love, that I needed at the time, but not one that could last."

"Renee said you never slept with her."

"I slept _with_ her. I never had sex with her. Just as I am now going to sleep with you. Now, shut up."

"I love you Severus Tobias Snape."

She waited then peeked up at him. "Well? Has hell frozen over?"

"No," he felt his lip twitch.

"If I said please?" she grinned.

"No," he smirked.

"If I beg?" she sat up and leaned over him.

"No," he said with a hesitation.

"If I kiss you?" she giggled.

"Hermione, you need to sleep."

"If I do this?" She reached down and rubbed the bulge in his trousers.

"That is not love, that is…"

"So," she raised her eyebrow. "If I give you sex?"

"Better," he chuckled.

"If I make love to you?"

"Yes," he muttered as he pulled her face down and captured her lips, then flipped her over until he was positioned above her.

"But not now."

He saw her eyes fill with tears and kissed them away. "I love you. There, now can you sleep?"

She nodded and grinned happily, pushed him away and laid her head on his shoulder as he lay back down.

"I don't know why that is so bloody hard to say," she yawned and closed her eyes, then leaned back up on her elbow. "Severus?"

He opened his eyes and looked up at her, sighing deeply. "Don't you ever just sleep?"

"When you were in the Shrieking Shack, when I tried to help you, only Neville had already started the healing, you said something that still bothers me."

"Go to sleep, we can talk when…"

"No," she sat up and waited until he sat up and faced her. "You wanted me to kill you, to _finish it_ you said. Sometimes I can still hear that. At night I can still hear you ask me to _finish it_."

"It was a long time ago." He scowled at her.

"Severus? Did you really … I mean was it the pain, or … I need to know …"

He swung his legs out of the bed. "If you insist on prattling on I will leave you here."

"No." She lay back on the pillow and shook her head. "Just stay until I fall asleep?"

She curled on her side as he spooned into her back, feeling tears well up in her eyes, and did not know if they were for him or the baby.

"I had nothing to come back too," he said softly, in answer to her question. "No one that would miss me, no one that … I sought my peace."

"Peace," she sighed, and struggled to her back to look up at him. "It's all you asked me for."

"Not all," he said simply.

She reached up and stroked his face. "I sometimes wake at night, I hear you and it scares me. It scares me because I think … I think I could have done it. If you had not passed out. If you were in pain. I think I could have done it."


	33. Renee's Date

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 33**

**Renee's Date**

* * *

Severus woke up and rolled onto his side, reaching to put his arm around Hermione's waist and nuzzle her hair. He enjoyed waking next to her, and would reach for her before his eyes opened, before he even thought to pull away and keep his distance as he intended. This time his hand fell to nothing but blankets. He lifted his head and forced open one eye, looking at the other side of the bed and finding it empty. _Fuck._

This was the second time he had fallen asleep and failed to make sure she stayed put. Rolling onto his back he scrubbed his eyes with his fists and sat up slowly, groaning at the sound of laughter coming from the sitting room, and the low timbre of what he could only assume was either Harry or Ronald. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he heard a high-pitched squeal that had him up and running, his wand in his hand.

"Isn't that just the cutest thing?" Hermione laughed and clapped her hands as a small half kneazle kitten tumbled after a string Draco had attached to his wand and was dragging across the carpet.

Severus stepped back to watch from the darkness of the bedroom. This was how he remembered her. Her hair loose and framing her head like the mane of a lioness, her head thrown back in laughter, her hands moving as she laughed and tried to be lady like, not managing to capture the snorts of delight that escaped her. She clasped her hands and shoved them into her lap, leaned forward and watched the kitten intently, all else forgotten as she watched its antics with delight, and then another squeal as she laughed with Draco innocently, all fear and troubles gone from her face.

He could not remember a time she had looked like that at him. He felt his chest constrict and a fleeting feeling of hopelessness and loss as he stepped into the sitting room and saw her face change at once into a frown.

"Did we wake you?" she said nervously. "Look what Draco brought me. A peace offering he said."

"I see," he intoned, looking down at the orange striped kitten that was jumping straight up as Draco bobbed the string out of its reach.

"I told him I would have to ask you," she said, biting her lip.

"You are an adult, it is your decision." He saw the last of her smile slip and cursed himself for not knowing what to say about a damned cat that he did not want.

"You said the Ravenclaw girl will take it?" She turned to Draco.

"Her mother wanted this one, but I had already picked it up at the shop." Draco shrugged. "I am sure she still wants it, the girl seemed taken with it."

"That would be better, as long as it has a good home." She smiled and leaned down to rub the kitten's stomach as it rolled round her feet. "I don't have a lot of time for one. They take so much work when they are still little."

"Leave it here," Severus grumbled. "How much time can a damned cat take?"

"You mean it?" She picked up the kitten and hugged it to her. "You're sure, because if you…"

"I said leave it. Draco, Hermione still should not be out shopping. She will need… things … cat things…"

Draco chuckled, "In the sack by the door."

"We made a list, for Renee." Hermione used her wand and levitated it to Severus from the office desk. "These are the times I spoke to Lucius directly. Draco helped me put my memories in vials, and label them for her to look at. I thought she might need them to know what he meant. With him it is not what he says, but how."

"He is very careful," Severus mused. "Even under a truth serum he can repeat exactly what he said and sound innocent."

"Draco?" She looked at him and nodded. "Will you take it to her?"

"Right." He walked over and took the list from Severus, picked up the vials and headed to the door. "I told her I would bring them over and, umm there is… umm." He looked uncomfortably at Hermione.

"I understand," Severus sniggered. "Please by all means, if you think you want to share that memory go right ahead and do so. The pensieve is still in my office. However, I will mention it to Potter and ask if he wishes to pay you a visit if it goes any further."

"No, no." Draco swallowed. "If you don't think it is necessary I would rather not."

Hermione watched the door close then turned back to Severus. "I need the Unicorn, that or your memory."

"You will have to be satisfied with my memory. However, I want to know why."

"I need to make measurements. We know Lucius' size, but I want to know how large of a vessel he plans to grow. Voldemort used Quirrell for a short time, then moved on to having Peter care for him and was already the size of a two or three year old at the cemetery. Why such a large vessel? Does he plan to use it longer? I think it will give us a time frame to work with. It may tell us how long we have. There is one thing that keeps coming back at me. Something that just won't talk to me yet."

"I have wondered if it is possible for him to prepare the vessel and start the process without the soul." Severus said.

"But, that would mean he can return almost immediately," Hermione mused. "If the vessel is full grown, and then he puts his soul into it, all he needs is the ceremony and he is back. Not half a man, not still transforming like Voldemort, but complete. I need to get to the library."

"No, we need to talk first."

"This is important, Severus." She stood and began to gather her robes.

"You are here to work on our marriage. I ask you to talk to me and you refuse?"

Her eyes snapped up to his, surprised that he sounded angry. "I can wait and go later."

"Sit." He began to pace.

"Fine." She sat back on the sofa and waited for him to start, glancing impatiently at the clock.

He pulled over the chair until he could sit facing her, leaned forward with his arms on his legs, and frowned at her. "Have I given you reason to be afraid of me? Physically afraid of me?"

"Heavens no," she stammered and reddened.

"Don't lie."

"I…I'm not. What kind of question is that," she muttered looked away. "I have so much work to do…"

"Hermione? I need your answer."

"Before, when you didn't believe me. That night, the time you saw me saying good night to Ronald on the steps." She looked away unable to meet his eyes. "Even then I didn't believe you would ever really hurt me, not physically, but I did fear you. And of course the day in your office, but then I wound up hexing you so let's not count that one." She gave him a sickly smile.

"And now?"

"I don't want to do this," she started to rise only to have him hold her arms, keeping her on the sofa.

"When?"

She looked up at him, and he again saw the tears well in her eyes. "When I lost the baby. I thought you would be angry with me, and say I did it on purpose, or that I knew he was dead when you said we could try to work things out. I thought you would think I tried to trick you into letting me come back or that...that you would hate me for killing it."

"I never wanted you to fear me."

"I know, and I know you wouldn't hurt me, but that's not what you asked. You asked if I had ever been scared of you, and yes, sometimes I was. I know you would never hurt me, you never have, not physically, but I couldn't stop thinking you… that if you got angry enough, or … but it was the tea. I know that now. I don't feel that way anymore, and don't know why I did then."

"Why did you need my permission to keep a cat?"

"I thought you may object, this is your home. I didn't want to… to ..."

"Anger me?"

"I guess."

"I may have objected, I may have not wanted a cat in my personal chambers, but you feared me."

He stood and moved the chair back to where it belonged as Hermione stood and wrinkled her brow watching him. "Severus?"

"I would have to wonder why you are here." He said honestly. "I will prepare the memory of the unicorn for you. Is there anything else you require?"

"Yes, an explanation of what just happened."

He tipped her chin up and studied her scowl, remembering again her laughter. "I didn't fall in love with a witch that was meant to be afraid of her husband. I fell in love with a woman that came to me willingly, happy to be with me, and anxious to be mine. If I cannot get her back, if I cannot find her again, I do not want her. I do not want a wife that is afraid of me, a wife who will allow herself to live in fear. Do you understand me? You deserve better."

"You are not your father. You would never hurt me."

"You know that in your mind, but when I walked into this room, and saw you with Draco, you were afraid. You were afraid to take a kitten without asking. No, Hermione, I do not want that, nor do you. I am not sure I am not my father. I am not sure the fear you feel should not be heeded."

"Stop being a git. I was not afraid to ask you, I wanted to make sure it would not cause a problem. You have to live with Rasputin too. It is only…"

"Rasputin?" He quirked an eyebrow and looked around at the cat.

"Okay," she said overly happy. "I am off then."

"No, I would prefer you found a different name." He sneered seeing an orange ball of fur disappear under the sofa.

Hermione tilted her head and seemed to ponder, then brightened as she smiled widely. "No, his name is Rasputin, whether you like it or not, it's Rasputin."

"You chose now to lose your fear of me?" he muttered.

"Don't ever say that again. Do _you_ understand _me_? Your father never gave a rat's arse if he hurt you. You care. You are not your father." She turned and picked up her robes. "I wouldn't be here if I thought you would hurt me physically, but, Severus, there are other kinds of hurt that go deeper. Hurts that I am not sure I could stand going through again."

Severus watched her leave and sat down on the sofa, leaning his head against the back of the sofa and closing his eyes. He took a deep breath and was thinking about what she'd just said, when he felt the kitten sink its claws into his trouser leg and climb up onto his lap. Lifting his head and looking down he grinned as Rasputin arched his back and hissed.

"That's one life. Care to go for two?" He picked it up by the scruff of its neck and brought it to eye level. "You are here because she wants you. I however, do not. Remember that."

He set the cat on the floor, stood and went to her bedchamber to adjust the wards on her floo. He added only one destination that she could run to, blocking it to everyone but her. If she had to run for safety, he would not risk her being followed. He took the fireplace in the sitting room and the study off the network and again warded the windows. Once Renee met with Lucius things would move either quickly or not at all.

.

.

Hermione paced from the sitting room to the bedroom, where she could watch the Main Gates in the charmed window, then back to the sitting room, looking out to the lake and worrying her lip. Draco sat on the floor in front of the fireplace, lazily dragging a rolled up parchment in front of Rasputin, who seemed to be losing interest in the game.

"I wish you would sit," Draco said. "It's early yet."

"Not that early. I never would stay out this late, Renee should know that."

"She'll be fine. It's not even one."

"Why don't you go home, Draco? I am sure Astoria is waiting up."

"She is in my chambers. She was already sleeping when I left."

"Then go … raid the kitchen or something. You used to do it all the time."

"That's when it was against the rules, its no fun now that I am allowed down there. Anyway, I told him I would wait with you so I will wait."

"I don't know why he had to choose this time to see Kingsley."

"Because _he_ wanted to make sure Kingsley saw the memories before Renee got the information he needs," Severus said from the doorway, struggling out of his cloak. "It's cold out. She should have worn more than your jumper."

Hermione hurried over to him, and stopped before she flung her arms around his neck. "I was worried. Did you see her home?"

"No, as far as I know she is still at the Hogs Head. Your friends Potter and Weasley are supposed to be there." He hung his cloak on a peg and jerked his head toward Draco. "Which one looks more foolish? The damned cat for trying to catch it, or him for keeping it away?"

"Don't change the subject," she scowled.

"Well, as least I can leave now," Draco said and got up from the floor. "I plan on staying in bed until at least noon tomorrow. Don't even think about waking me."

Severus waited for him to leave and the door to close before sitting down on the sofa and putting his head back. "Come here wife. Sit with me."

"I can't sit," she spat. "It's too long. I feel it. Something's wrong."

"Pacing and waiting will not help."

"The only reason you are sitting there acting so calm is because you know something is wrong. You pace when you don't know."

She turned on her heel and walked into the bedroom, checking the window again. She looked closely, and called to Severus, yelling at him to hurry.

"On the ground by the gate, there's … there's something there that wasn't a minute ago." She looked up at him as he turned and began to run.

He reached the top of the staircase and leaped over the banister, levitating to the floor, and started down the main hallway, pushing Potter and Weasley out of his way.

"You were supposed to watch her!" He flung over his shoulder as he continued on, leaving the two Aurors at a loss.

"Ron, Harry!" Hermione called as she started her descent, trying to catch up with Severus. "What happened?"

"He just… flew," Ronald said in amazement. "I didn't think he…"

"Not now!" Hermione raged as she ran by them. "It's Renee. It has to be."

Severus pushed open the main doors and ran as fast as he could, dropping to his knees next to the lifeless heap that had been Renee. He knew before he touched her, by the stillness of her chest, by the way her head lolled to the side and her open eyes stared blindly and dull that she was dead. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her into his arms, rocking her, feeling his chest ready to explode and his throat constrict.

He held his Hermione, but knew it was Renee. He tipped his chin up to the sky and swallowed, not wanting to cry, not wanting the pain to become overwhelming, trying to block his mind as he did with Voldemort. He turned his head back to look down into Hermione's face as he heard the pounding of feet coming towards him

"Get back in the castle," he spat angrily, then lifted his hand and pushed Hermione back towards the castle with a pulse of magic. "Now! Get away."

"Severus? Is it…" Harry began to ask, running to his side, and dropping down next to him.

"I said go, now do it," he hissed, gathering up Renee in his arms. "Are you deaf? I said get the fuck out of here, all of you. If we are being watched he can't see Hermione walking around, or yourself in some pantomime of grief. Now get the fuck out of here, and keep her inside."

He slid his arm under Renee's knees, his other under her shoulders and scooped her up as he rose to stand silently. He waited until he could steady his breath and trust his voice, and then walked firmly into the castle, stopped and leaned back against the wall, lowering his head to her neck. Fighting the urge to smash his fist into the wall, to rage and seek out Lucius, he looked up to see Harry holding out his arms.

"Let me take her sir," Harry said softly. "I will take her to the infirmary. You will want Poppy to try to restore her."

"Quite right," he shoved her into Harry's arms then paused before releasing his grip.

"Sir?" Harry questioned. "You can give her to me now. She is … home."

Severus let go and stepped back, nodding his consent. He watched Harry walk away with her before turning back to where Ronald stood behind Hermione, his arms around her waist, holding her back. He could hear footfalls approaching and heard Draco call out to him.

"It is alright now, Mr. Weasley," Severus said stiffly. "You can let her go now."

"Severus, my gods," Hermione cried as she flung herself at him. Holding on to his neck and hiding her face as she sobbed. "How… was she … was there…"

"Poppy will determine what happened, until that time it is best not to imagine it," he said, as his arms went around her and held her. "She will notify us as soon as she knows."

"Uncle?" Draco called to him. "We are going to the library. I am sure there is a spell or something we can find for Poppy to help … restore her. Hermione?"

"She is staying here," Severus spat.

He looked over her head to where Draco and Ronald were talking in hushed voices then watched them walk away toward the hospital wing. Lowering his head to Hermione's he sighed.

"Come, we will wait in my chambers, they are closer than yours." He waited until she stepped back and nodded before taking her hand and leading her back to his rooms.

Once there, he took his cloak off the hook and threw it over his shoulders, looking at Hermione darkly.

"I have to go out," he said evenly.

"No." She grabbed his arm. "You can't. Not until we find out how he killed her. Not tonight. Don't leave me alone tonight."

He hooked his fingers on the inside flaps of his cloak, then turned her so her back was to the wall, putting his hands on each side of her, enveloping her, enclosing her, shielding her. He leaned down and pressed his open mouth to her lips, his tongue playing against her mouth until he felt it open and felt her tongue move against his. He pressed her hand against his erection as she sobbed into his mouth and pulled his head back to look at her, seeing her breathing heavily, looking down, unable to meet his eyes.

"Are you afraid of me?" he asked, his voice husky. "Now, at this moment, are you afraid of me?"

"Yes," she panted. "You scare me tonight. You scare me when you are angry like this. When you want to go to Lucius, when you … when I know you want to hurt someone."

"Let me make love to you."

Her eyes move up to his slowly, brown meeting black. "I'm scared," she whispered.

"Don't be. Not now. Not tonight. I won't hurt you. Please, I need you. I need you, now."

"My god, Severus, how could this happen? How could he have done that?"

"I can't think about it, not now. I need this. I need to know you are still here, that you are still alive, that I still have you, that I am still alive. I need to feel."

"Yes," she sobbed, stretching up to kiss his mouth, feeling him step back and pick her up, and carry her into the bedroom.

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	34. Hermione’s Trip

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 34**

**Hermione's Trip**

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Hermione opened her eyes and rolled over, seeing him gone she sat up at once. Climbing out of bed, she grabbed his long sleeved white shirt from the floor, where he had thrown it, and pulled it over her head. Tugging it down to cover her bruised thighs she padded to the sitting room, peeking in from the doorway, making sure he was alone before stepping out into the light.

He looked up at her from his seat on the sofa, where he sat with a bottle of whiskey, not bothering with a glass, but tipping up the bottle and drinking from it. He set the bottle down and picked up a parchment, holding it out to her.

"From Poppy?" she asked, crossing the room and taking it from him. "You should have woken me."

He did not answer, just let his eyes travel down her body to her naked thighs, seeing the fingerprints he had left on her, he smirked and picked the bottle backup to take another swallow. Hermione turned the parchment to the fireplace, to be able to read it better, feeling the air tighten in her lungs as she did.

"Come here," Severus told her.

She walked the rest of the way and sunk down to her knees in front of him, looking up at his face. "I am so sorry. She was a good …"

"You thought she was my whore," he slurred and took yet another swallow.

"I was jealous and hurt. She was not a whore. She was good to you and …"

"He raped her." He ripped the parchment from her hand, bunched it up and threw it into the fire. "He broke her neck and raped her."

"Severus, please, come back to bed with me. We can talk about it in the morning. You need to sleep."

"I need to put her to rest," he sighed, tracing her lips with his thumb. "I don't like you like this."

"How?" She looked down at his shirt and back up to his face. "It was the first thing I could find. Do you want me to change?"

"On your knees, in front of me, sitting at my feet," he sneered. "It smacks of submissive witches and acting like a wizard's pet."

"If you should know anything it is that I am not submissive," she grinned, only to have him grab her hair and pull her head back sharply.

He studied her face then released her hair, cupping her face in his hands and lifting her mouth to his. After kissing her, he laid his forehead on hers and sighed deeply.

"I close my eyes and see Narcissa sitting at Lucius feet, and how Renee did the same with Mulciber. I see the bruises they wore, not allowed to heal, just there to show everyone that they were under a wizard's power. I never want you to feel you have to do that for me or if not me, for anyone."

"I don't. It surprises me that Renee did." She kissed his cheek before using his knees to rest her elbows on and getting more comfortable.

"She was young. Just out of school when she married." Severus traced her lips again. "She was foolish and thought letting him beat her, hit her with hair brushes, parading around near naked, proved her love."

"Maybe he did, in his own way, and I can't imagine Renee putting up with it if she didn't think she loved him, at least at the beginning."

"You are naïve, my wife," he sniggered, and reached for the bottle again. "He was sadistic, and she happened to be too close. I should have stopped it, but did not."

"It was not your place," she said softly. "Has Poppy been able to reverse the Polyjuice?"

"No, there is an antidote, but …" He ran his hand through his hair, not being able to say aloud that she was beyond the taking of potions.

"I want you to think about what I am going to say before you get angry at me." Hermione said evenly. "I think you should leave her as she is."

He leaned back and slapped her arms from his legs. "No, she will have…"

"I asked you to think it through. Lucius needs to think I am dead. He needs to see my body and know that you don't give a damn. If he has the nerve to come here, he needs to see me dead." She moved up to sit next to him. "I will stay in my chambers. Anything I need from the library I can have Millie bring me. Think about it. He will think he got away with it. He may become complacent and slip up. I can use the potion and be Renee when we …"

"No!" He thundered and stood up glaring at her. "I saw you dead. Do you understand that? Do you know what it felt like seeing you like that?"

"Listen to me. You have the work with the committee. He wouldn't dare show his face there, but you know he will hear about it. The Givens along with Lydia and Thomas makes sure that the Prophet has a full accounting of everyone at their functions. He would believe it. He knows Renee attended with …"

"You don't know that. You don't know what he did." He began to pace. "Perhaps he discovered the ruse. Perhaps he had it planned from the beginning or maybe he just planned on raping you and sending you back alive when it got out of control."

"He wouldn't do that. If he planned to send me back alive that would mean he knew it would hurt you to see I had been raped, but he thinks you hate me. I bet he thinks that by getting rid of me he will have an easier time getting to you. I bet he thinks you would welcome my death. Severus, if he knew it was a ruse he would have done far worse than break her neck. He would have been furious, and her body would show it. He gave her a fast death, he snapped her neck. He thought it was me."

Severus stopped pacing and looked at her coldly. "I will not bet your life on it."

"Nor will I. But I will bet Renee's"

"No," he grabbed her shoulders and shook her, then grabbed her wrist and dragged her into the bedroom, picked up her clothes and threw them at her. "Get dressed and get back to your chambers, do it now."

"Don't worry," she sighed, tears stinging her eyes. "I didn't plan on staying. I just thought after last night you may want me to stay until morning."

"Why? Because I fucked you?" He returned to the sitting room to wait for her, finishing his bottle and ignoring the look on her face.

Once he had her back in her chambers, he scooped up Rasputin and shoved the kitten at her, then dug in her desk drawer pulling out a small black bag of gold that he had left there for her use, and forced it into her pocket.

"What are you doing?" She jerked away from him as he pushed her to the floo.

"Millie can come to you. If you need anything you can't buy it at the market call her. Let me know if you need more."

"I don't need your gold," she spat. "I thought we were going to work things out. I thought…"

"Hermione's Villa," he called out as he threw down the floo powder, and stepped back, watching her look of astonishment as she left in a green flash. "Millie!"

"Yes, Master sir." The elf was there at once.

"Hermione is in the villa. You are to attend to her." He stood looking into the fireplace, wondering if he had been hasty. "You may want to take her some clothing."

"Yes, Master," Millie squeaked.

"And some … fuck," he said and flopped on the edge of the bed, wishing he had been better prepared, had thought this through, and had not acted … emotionally.

"Master? I takes food and some books. She likes her books she does."

"Yes, good idea, Mille." He stood and looked around her bedroom. "Take that damn cat its play things, and whatever you think she may need. I also would prefer you stayed with her. You are, however, in no circumstances to bring her back."

"The floo sir?"

"No, it is set one way, and she is not strong enough to apparate from there. I am hoping it will take her at least a couple of days to figure out how to get back." He headed for the outer door, then stopped and frowned. "Bring me her wand at once."

"Oh no Sirs," Millie shook her head and began to tremble.

"Do as you are told or I will send you away. You are free now so it is within my rights. Do you hear me? She will have no need for a wand if you are with her, and it may slow her down." He looked back at the floo. "Although I doubt it."

"Yes, Master sirs," Millie wailed.

"On second thought," Severus still stood looking at the floo, "leave at once before she can finish a portkey, collect her things later, but be careful. She may be a tad upset right now."

Millie popped out as Severus started to walk again. Glancing at the clock and back at the floo. He vowed never to drink and plot at the same time as it dawned on him what he had just done. He smirked thinking how angry she would be when he heard the pop of elf travel and turned to see Millie cowering on the floor, Hermione's wand held tightly in her fist.

"Millie?" He hurried over to her, bent down and retrieved the wand, inspecting the large lump on the top of her head. "You better go see Poppy at once, this is getting bigger. What did she hit you with?"

"Big flat pan," Millie cried. "She is in the kitchen working on the fireplace."

"I see," Severus smirked and stood up. "Go see Poppy then take what Hermione needs to the villa."

"Please no," Millie fell on her knees and clasped her hands. "She say she will hex me, she yells and throws things."

"Deal with it," he sniggered as he walked toward the outer door. "Blame it on me. Tell her I beat you until you agreed to help. She will believe you and take pity."

He went to the infirmary and found that Poppy had laid Renee in the bed furthest from the door, wrapping a silencing and cloaking spell around the curtained area. He pulled back the curtain and was surprised to find Astoria.

"Mrs. Malfoy?"

"Headmaster." She stood and nodded at him curtly. "My husband requested that she not be left alone. I have agreed to take the first watch and Mrs. Potter will relieve me at noon."

"That is unnecessary." Severus scowled. "She is … safe now."

"You must excuse me if I disagree. However, that is not pertinent. My husband asked me to do this and I will not go against his wishes." She turned back to the bed where Renee's covered body lay, and resolutely folded her arms.

Severus stepped closer to the shroud-covered corpse and laid his hand on its head. "Did you know her?"

"No, Headmaster."

"Has Draco said anything of her?"

"Only that she was the widow of … only that she was a widow."

Severus snorted, "Her whole life summed up in one word. Widow. Yes, Mrs. Malfoy. She was a widow."

"It is not a bad way to have your life summarized. She must have loved and been loved once. She must have had a home, a family; perhaps she helped him with his career, or raised his children. Widow." She stood and stepped next to him, looking down at the shape under the white linen. "Witches hear it differently to wizards. We hear the word as testament to life, not a statement on it."

Severus looked at her oddly but saw Hermione unable to choke out the word divorce. He had said the word as a statement, something that they should do, she had looked like she had been slapped, condemned, thrown away. He turned back to Renee and tried to think of her as _just a widow_.

"I thank you for sitting with her. I am not aware of anyone to notify, as far as I know she had no one left. She lived as … a recluse … in Italy before returning here." He turned to Astoria, surprised he could talk to her easily. "I am unaware if she had any close friends here."

"She had one." Astoria put her hand on his arm, then quirked her eyebrow up to him. "There was one other that you are not aware of. He shall be here shortly. That is why I am here. Mr. Malfoy did not wish to advise him by owl and has gone to do so himself."

Severus nodded and stepped back, pulling the curtain open. "I will arrange for her burial."

"The arrangements have already been made," Kingsley said striding in and greeting Astoria warmly before looking toward the bed. "I hear that she is still in Hermione's form."

"Yes," Severus said, seeing Kingsley's right hand open and clench shut, only to open again. "I want to restore her, to bury her with her dignity."

"She will be laid out as she is. For tonight, she will finish the part she wanted to play for you. In the morning I shall see that she is buried in her Italy; above the blue bay that she so loved."

"What do you know of her place in Italy?" Severus said evenly, watching Kingsley's face unmoving, only the vein in his temple keeping rhythm with his pounding heart.

"More than it appears you are aware of." He nodded at Astoria and left the bedside. "We need to make plans."

Astoria placed a finger over her lips and shook her head at Severus before reaching up and pulling the curtain closed, leaving him to stare after the dark Wizard as he walked away. Severus thought of Renee, and the reluctance to have him see her home, always departing in apparation, never stepping into a floo and calling out the destination. He thought of the years in Italy and suddenly realized she had not returned at the end of the war, not just when she felt safe, but at the time Kingsley had risen in ranks at the Ministry and had taken up residence at one of the safest and most protected houses in a small wizarding area in London.

He caught up with Kingsley at the circular stairs and rode to the top quietly, not needing to know if there was truth in what he thought. He could read the truth in Kingsley's stance, the way his hand clutched the banister and the way that he had thus far avoided eye contact.

"A drink is in order," Severus poured the other wizard a shot of fire whiskey, then remembering his earlier debacle set his own glass down empty, knowing he did not need more.

"So, tell me old friend where is your wife?" Kingsley sat heavily in a chair, accepting the drink and knocking it back in one gulp.

"We don't have to do this now," Severus said, not meeting Kingsley's eyes, knowing to do so would show Kingsley that he knew of him and Renee.

"She gave her life for this. I will not let her death be in vain, no we need to move on and to do so we must make sure that your wife is not discovered to be alive."

"Then we have possibly two days," Severus muttered. "She had the idea to become Renee and draw Malfoy out."

"She is mad," Kingsley spat.

"How did he manage it? She was to be watched."

"Narcissa was a decoy. She too drank a potion and appeared to be Hermione. When Renee went to the loo to refresh the potion, she was dragged out and Narcissa returned to the table in her stead. We still are unsure who replaced Lucius. It was brilliantly done."

"You are sure it was Narcissa?"

"The one mistake was in the timing. As Renee was being dumped here at Hogwarts, Narcissa was walking out. She was grabbed and all we had to do was wait until the potion wore off. We are holding her, but since taking the potion in itself is not a crime, we need to connect her with Renee's death. I am sure the truth serum will send her to Azkaban."

"It's too soon." Severus began his pacing.

"We can hold her as long as is needed," he shrugged. "However, the longer we do so, the longer Lucius has to reorganize."

"I would rather dump her body back in the same way he delivered Renee," Severus muttered.

"Do not think I did not want the same thing. If it would not risk the war starting anew I could have done it and not thought twice."

"It is time I paid my old friend and colleague a visit."

"Yes, so it appears, but first you need to sleep. You have been up all night." Kingsley rose from his chair.

"I have less than two days or I will feel what you do. No old friend, I will go now."

"You will forgive me for not waiting for you to offer," Kingsley helped himself to another drink. "It will be a much lonelier place now that she is gone."

"Kingsley, I …"

"Get him. Get him for me, Severus. Whatever it takes, whomever you have to go through. Get him."

"I want you to reopen the case on Marcus Bonner. I know you will find nothing, but the idea that the Ministry is once again looking into his death may help by taking some of Lucius' attention away from what is at hand. Also, Lucius is in the habit of leaving unpaid accounts around town, and paying them all at the end of the quarter when his investments come due. Find a couple of shop keepers that will protest and get his vaults frozen until the matter can be investigated." Severus clasped his hands behind his back as he continued to pace. "You are absolutely sure of Narcissa's part in this?"

"Without a doubt, I would put my life on it."

"Find the shopgirl Lucius is fucking. She works in Diagon, at the Emporium that sold Hermione her damned tea. I am sure there are still laws on the books about lewd behaviour. Tell her she is headed for Azkaban and put her in a cell next to Narcissa. You will also supply your protégé with a hair from his father and I don't give a fuck how he gets it. Tell Astoria to wear a blind fold if she must, but I want him to supply his mother with a pensieve she will not soon forget."

"I will not be able to give Narcissa the serum. Not until she is on the stand."

"No? Then you will arrange for me to visit her. Alone." He stopped pacing and looked at Kingsley. "Get your Aurors ready. This ends soon. Hermione is about to press charges. There is no proof, but in denying it he will be at the Ministry, and with Narcissa's confession we will know where the Aurors will be needed."

"That is quite a list," Kingsley stood and headed for the door.

"Kingsley?" Severus called him back. "He is mine. I don't want thanks, or any payment other than Lucius at the end of my wand."


	35. Two more Days

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breath**

**Chapter 35**

**Two more Days**

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Hermione glared at the sofa, an oil lamp poised in her hand, ready to hurl it at the elf's head as soon as she showed herself.

"Missus, Missus," Millie cowered, "Please Missus, he say do it."

"Get out of there, stop hiding!"

"You hex me."

"How you sneaking dwarf? You stole my wand!"

"Master say do it."

"Fine," she sighed loudly, raising the lamp higher and peeking round the side. "I promise I won't curse you."

"He makes me leave the House of Snape if I don'ts do it," Millie peeked out and saw the lamp in Hermione's hand.

"Fine," Hermione hissed and slammed the lamp back on the table. "You go tell him I need my wand."

"Missus, he says no." Millie dragged out the sacks she'd had in her hands when she had leapt behind the sofa. "He sends me with these. He says I stay here."

Hermione looked in the sacks and instructed Millie to put the items away as she found a quill and parchment. She wrote a list of book titles, and the fact that she wanted his memory of the unicorn, and wanted it sent in a pensieve at once. She gave the list to Millie with a scowl.

"How is he Millie? Still drinking?"

"No, he gets ready."

"Ready for what?" she growled. "Ready for another bottle of whiskey or is he looking of a place to vomit yet?"

"He puts on good robes, new robes. He is going to party."

"Party?" she snorted. "What are you talking about? He hates parties. He hates people. He hates leaving his damned office. And I am not too sure that he doesn't hate himself right now. As a matter of fact, he better hate himself right not or I'll kill him."

"Malfoy party. He goes to Malfoy party." Millie tried to smile as she backed away.

"He what?" Hermione shrieked. "Damn him! He's going to get himself killed. Tell him for me he is a bloody idiot. Get out. Tell him I don't want you here. Tell him you look so much like him you make me sick. Tell him … tell him… tell him…" She looked around wildly, saw the lamp and hurried to pick it up.

"I goes? I goes now?" Millie stepped back as far as she could from the hysterical witch. "He say stay, but I goes now?"

"Fine, leave me. Desert me just like that fool you call… Millie? Are you still to do _anything _I ask? Being free, are you still bound to Snape? Still taking orders and doing as you are told? Short of helping me back?" She glared at the elf.

"Yes Missus," Millie smiled thinly.

"Then you give your Master a big kiss from me, and tell him it's because I am not there to do it." She smiled watching the elf's eyes grow large and her ears droop. "You do as you are told or I will set you loose. Do you understand me? You'll be known as the first homeless house elf in Hogwarts history. I'll do it, believe me I will! Now go!"

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Severus tossed his robes to the house elf that greeted him in the manor's entry hall. Looking around he saw that nothing much had changed since the last time he had been here. There appeared to be a new carpet, and the wall colour was different, but other than that he saw the same gaudy display of wealth and overdone opulence that he remembered.

"Severus!" Lucius stepped out of the sitting room and greeted him. "I am surprised you could make it so soon after your wife's untimely demise."

Severus shrugged with a smirk. "I will let the Weasley have her now. He was after her just yesterday. A few hours should not make much difference to him."

"I have never understood necrophilia. Nether the less, like all Weasleys, I am sure he has his vices. I would suspect it more from Potter. He is one that would prefer the total control." Lucius chuckled.

"Perhaps they will share." Severus fought to sound non-pulsed by the conversation. "Now, where is that lovely wife of yours? It has been much too long since I have seen her."

"Indisposed, I am afraid. Come. Join us for a drink. Everyone else is already here." He turned and swept into the room with Severus at his heels.

Severus' eyes immediately fell on Draco, he turned to greet the wizard next to him, working his way around the room until he was next to his godson. They stood against the wall, each with a glass of whiskey, neither one doing more than touching it to their lips in the ruse of drinking.

"My wife sends her regards," Draco finally intoned.

"Indeed, and which wife would that be? The one you married or the one of your … dreams that looks like mine."

Draco had the grace to redden slightly. "I have many dreams, it keeps things … interesting. I plan to have one that was suggested to me this evening. However, I may have to drink more of this first."

"I would imagine Astoria may have to be quite drunk as well."

Draco chuckled and looked at Severus from the corner of his eye. "I have what I came for. I need a reason to get out of here."

"This is a much smaller assembly than I was led to believe." Severus changed topics quickly, nodding to a couple that were walking closer to them.

"There are six others, not in attendance." Draco leaned his head back on the wall and let his eyes wander across the room. "I don't think your Dark Lord began much differently, and with not nearly the wealth that is in this room. I will give you the list of those missing, but other than them, this is the entire group."

"He was just not mine, as you so poorly put it." Severus again brought the liquid to his lips, but lowered the glass. "I do not recognize the couple near the east window."

"They haven't risen since I came in. I have not been introduced and it appears I shall not be. All I have learned is their names." Draco made sure not to look directly at them. "Father intends to discuss his position with you. Agree with him, tell him…"

"Draco, you have not greeted half the guests." Lucius walked up to them, looking at his son coldly. "You two work together, talk another time. You need to spend your time cultivating other avenues. Now go."

"He does not suit Hogwarts. He needs to be moved to one of your family businesses, Lucius." Severus said as Draco walked away.

"I hardly think so," Lucius laughed. "The boy does not have half the sense his mother has, and none of her backbone."

"He is … difficult. Can we trust him?" Severus lifted his glass, this time taking a swallow of his whiskey.

Lucius tapped Severus with his walking cane, leaving it rest on his shoulder. He is of no consequence. I am not preparing a home for him but for true leader."

Severus felt a cold snake slither up his back as he lifted his glass to his mouth and drained it. _Fuck_, he thought, and built up walls in his mind, preparing for an onslaught if Lucius noticed any change in him.

"I need a bed," Severus sighed. "That cow had lousy timing. I had just fallen asleep when she had to be disposed of. Now I find myself falling asleep on my feet."

"I will excuse you until … shall we say tomorrow at the same time?"

"Give me two days, I will make sure Draco stays back so we may talk freely." He put his glass on the tray of a passing elf and told it to collect his robes as he walked to the entry hall.

"Fetch me Draco," he sneered down at the house elf, and then looked up at Lucius. "He has patrol tonight and I am in no mood to cover for him again."

"It is a shame you are stuck in that awful place," Lucius shook his head as if deep in thought. "There are far more important places you are needed. Perhaps a word with the Ministry will find an examination of your contract is due."

"We will discuss it next time we meet." He saw Draco walking toward him. "Mr. Malfoy, your patrol started half and hour ago. Do you expect me to listen to Longbottom's complaints yet again?"

"Father, it seems I too am leaving." Draco took his robes from the elf and exited with Severus.

As they walked to the apparation point, just beyond the gates, Severus talked quietly, telling him to make the pensieve and then get Astoria to the Burrow, and to have Harry and Ronald meet them in his study. As Draco left, Severus spun out to collect Longbottom and owl Kingsley that Draco would soon complete his task.

.

.

"I don't understand, Headmaster. He just sounds delusional." Neville unbent from his position at the workbench and pulled off his gloves. "Surely no one will actually go along with his ideas and certainly not the names you claim to be with them. I could believe Crabbe and even the Yaxley family, but the rest… it doesn't make sense. They weren't even close to the inner circle last time, nor are they pure blood families."

"He carries a Was sceptre." Severus paced between the rows of herbs, periodical stopping to rub the plants leaves and bring his hand to his nose. "What are you doing down here Longbottom? The last three plants I would find in a kitchen rather than a lab."

Neville chuckled and walked over to a bulletin board and removed a thumbtack, then handed Severus the list it had held. Recognizing Hermione's handwriting, he sighed.

"She has been here less time than anyone, and still she manages to re-do years of organization and procedure. This greenhouse is not for culinary delights, Longbottom. It is for potion ingredients and training in Herbology."

"She calculated the cost to the kitchens and came up with this. There was extra space so I figured it wouldn't hurt. You should visit Hagrid if you think this is bad."

"Hagrid? Am I to believe we will have fresh eggs?"

"That and milk," Neville frowned. "Severus, go easy with her. She made the changes when she thought there would be a baby running around."

"She is currently … away." He looked up from the plants he was inspecting. "She is safe for a couple of days, after that … she will need to be… pacified."

"Ah, come on, you two were finally talking, what the bloody hell did you do now?"

"Professor Longbottom, I will thank you to hold your tongue…"

"Yeah, I'm sure you would." Neville seethed. "I work here, I am not your student and you have not treated me like some cauldron exploding idiot for years, yet you continue to treat Hermione as either a piece of garbage, or a piece of precious glass. You really need to figure out what you want and stick to it. You are confusing me and I don't even much like you, I can only imagine what she is thinking."

Severus' face remained unmoving as he studied Neville. "You do know honesty is often not the best policy, despite what the proverbs say."

"Snape, just … just fix whatever is going on, it would be a lot easier. Now, I am sure you didn't come down here just to inspect my greenhouses."

"No, I want you to take … Augusta, and if you are close to anyone else take them as well, and find them a safe place. I would suggest either the Burrow or the Dungeons here."

"Am I allowed to ask why?"

"Things are going to be moving fast, too fast to stop and worry about personal problems. You have to focus on what is in front of you and not what you have left behind. I hope that in three days time all this will have been for naught, but in the meantime it is best to prepare for the worse."

"There is going to be a battle?"

"Oh yes, Professor Longbottom. Most assuredly, the question should only be what kind of battle. I hope that it will be dispatched quietly at the Ministry, but in case it is not, make sure they are safe. If everything goes as planned your grandmother will complain she has been inconvenienced and know nothing more." He turned and left the greenhouse.

Severus hoped that Neville would take his advice and put his family in a safe haven but knew he could do nothing more. Standing at the top of the owlery, he watched as the bird flew off. He leaned against the stone railing, feeling as if he could fall asleep where he stood before starting down the steps only to see Potter standing at the bottom waiting.

"What now Potter?" he said, too tired to care.

"You look like shite. You really need to get some rest."

"I am headed to bed so I suggest you walk with me if you mean talk about anything other than my health in which case you may leave."

"I am sorry about Renee. I just wanted to say that."

"Surely you did not come all this way to impart your grief."

"No, I came to see what you need us to do." Harry lengthened his stride, trying to keep up with the Headmaster.

"Us?"

"Me, Ronald and if you believe it, even Draco, although the help I had in mind would not include him."

"I take it you are referring to something at the Ministry you may be able to … discover."

"Hermione had mentioned certain spells she had been researching."

"I don't want her near this, Potter. Is that clear?"

"From what I understand that is no longer a problem."

Severus smirked at him. "What do you know of Ammitt?"

"Just the name, and I'm not even sure I remember it correctly. Wasn't Ammitt a God or something of lost souls in ancient Egypt?"

"Incorrect. Ammitt was, and appears Malfoy wants him to be once again, the consummate Death Eater. Are you familiar with the Was? No? I thought not, we never have had good history lessons here, unless you want to learn undocumented half-truths about the goblin wars. Lucius no longer carries his normal overly pretentious walking stick, he carries a Was. The arrogant arsehole that he is, has now pinned his hopes on a myth."

Harry shook his head and swallowed hard. "I take it this is what you want me to see if I can find."

"Lucius is not just setting himself up to be the new Lord. I believe he is thinking of Voldemort returning and somehow joining with him in the likeness of Ammitt, that or he is completely insane and must be already under the belief he is talking to him. You need to get into the old curse breakers room. Perhaps contact the Weasley boy, the one that worked breaking curses. He studied in Egypt I believe. He has knowledge of certain artefacts that have gone missing in Memphis. Tell Arthur to have him give me a report at once. Tomorrow at the latest. "

"You really think Lucius found something? Something that will work?"

"No, don't be stupid. He can muck up even the simplest thing and I am afraid that if he … Potter, you are a fool."

"Me?"

"Lucius will attempt anything. If he has found old spells, he will not wonder if they work, or how they work. He will unleash the magic and worry about it later. We have to know what he will unleash, and if we need to, we need to stop it." Severus stopped at the main doors to the castle. "Our walk is over. Potter, whatever you find will only be used if we are unsuccessful in what we plan. I expect you to do what you can. However, I want you to find only what Lucius would have. He is not one to go too deeply into things. I am…"

"Master?" Millie stood looking at him, wringing her hands.

"I knew this was going too smoothly," Severus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "What is it Millie? Has she burnt the place down yet?"

"No, Master," Millie wailed, and smacked her head against the door.

"Stop that," Severus leaned down and pulled her away, holding onto her arm and shaking her. "What is it…"

Millie grabbed his hair in both hands and pulled his head down quickly, giving him a wet sloppy kiss, then pushed him away and cowered on the ground.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Snape jumped back in horror, knocking into Potter, and sending him to the ground as he swiped his sleeve across his face and spat on the ground.

Potter burst out laughing as Severus pulled his wand and blasted the elf into the door, then again scrubbed his mouth with the back of his hand. He was still verbally cursing the elf as Harry managed to regain his feet in another fit of laughter. He grabbed Snape's hand and pushed the wand tip down to the ground.

"Mille," Harry laughed. "How is Hermione doing?"

"She sent this," Millie threw the list of Hermione's requests into the air and left with a pop.

Severus snatched the list from Harry's hand and raised an eyebrow. "One word, Potter, one word and you will have to find your arse because it will not be attached to your body."

Harry swallowed down his laugher, a smirk remaining on his face. "So, Hermione is not pleased I see."

"She is … upset. However, it appears not beyond working." Severus scowled at the list of books she wanted, knowing that the outcome of the research was now moot.

"Why are you always surprised by her?" Harry shook his head and started back down the steps. "I would think by now you would be used to it."

Severus watched until Potter was out of sight before going first to the infirmary. He found Ginny sitting with Renee, one baby sleeping on her shoulder, one on a mat she had laid on the floor.

"Mrs. Potter, you are welcome to use one of the infirmary cots."

"I know, Poppy already told me." She looked down at the head on her shoulder. "I wanted them close. Her funeral was going to be in the morning, but Kingsley wants to know if it should be put off."

Severus raked his hands through his hair and sighed loudly. "I will contact him."

"No. He … Headmaster, please. Kingsley says he will take her to Italy, but I think he would rather she be kept closer. My father is willing to make the arrangements. From what I hear she should be laid with the rest of the war heroes."

"Unfortunately it is not Renee Mulciber that will be laid to rest."

"We, my father and I, thought of that. We should have her funeral here. She will be laid where she belongs and the only thing we have to wait for is to lay the headstone."

"I am afraid that may not …"

"It will. We will have a closed ceremony. Only close friends and family, and since Hermione had no family, other than you, no one will be the wiser at a small gathering. Ronald said he would set shields to make sure that the Skeeter bitch does not fly in to watch. Although I think he wants her to so he can throw her in Azkaban for a while. It would work, and Mrs. Mucliber will have her peace."

"Tell your father thank you. Have him prepare the headstone without her last name. She will at least not be remembered as that."

"What was her maiden name? We could…"

"No," he paused, not wanting Yaxley to appear either, "just use Renee."

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Severus sat alone in his chambers, knowing he should be in bed, but finding it more comforting to sit in front of the fire with his bottle of whiskey. _Done_, he thought, it would soon be done. All of it would be over and behind him. He lifted the bottle and drank slowly, holding the whiskey in his mouth and breathing in through his nose, welcoming the slow burn and heady aroma. He would finish Lucius, and with it Narcissa. Narcissa. A woman he had once respected and thought a good witch and a better mother. He thought of Draco and swallowed his whiskey, leaning his head back on the chair and closing his eyes.

He could not sleep until he was exhausted, and even then, he could not shed the dreams that played in his mind. Not since that night he had held her on the floor of her bedchamber, not since the night his son had slipped out of her womb and coated her thighs with blood had he felt peace. If he had not doubted her, not pushed her away, not accused her of infidelities that he knew even as he said them were untrue, maybe she would be even now feeling the movement in her that she had so looked forward to. _His son_, whom he had denied, he now found he wanted.

He took another swallow of whiskey, and again held it in his mouth before swallowing, taking a deep breath. Two days were left between him and the true end of the war. Two days that would end with Lucius in the grave and Narcissa either joining him or in Azkaban. Only two days before he sent her away, rather than dragging her through another trial. Two days before he could return to his solitude and two days before she had a chance to be free. Free of him and her fear.


	36. Day one

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 36**

**Day one**

* * *

Severus took breakfast in the Great Hall the next day. He wanted to make sure the students saw the entire staff was in residence and needed them to be prepared. Although he hoped for the next two days to go smoothly and without any outward signs of a struggle, if fighting were to break out, if the fighting came once again to Hogwarts, he wanted them to know what to do. When breakfast was almost over, he stood and walked to the podium, waited until quiet fell over the room and then gave his brief announcement.

"It has been decided that we have been lax in emergency procedures. Therefore, today we will be running drills. Seventh-years, pay attention, as the success or failure of today's exercises will rest with you.

Professor Longbottom has posted assignments outside this room. These assignments include two items you are to pay strict attention to and not question. One, the place you are to report to when the test alarm is given. Two, the name of the seventh-year student who will be supervising you there. All prefects and head students will report here for further instructions.

Any student that deems these drills of no importance and is late reporting to the assigned area will serve detention for the rest of term. Now, since there will be no questions I suggest you use this time to find your name on the list and be prepared."

He turned and walked back to the table to finish his breakfast, looking out at the students uncomfortably.

"Do you think they believed it?" Draco said, sliding into the chair next to the Headmaster and putting a vial on the table. "The memory you asked for. This is something I hope never to do again. It is bad enough I look like him, but to … anyway, take it. Astoria says she deserves better quarters and a long holiday."

Severus snorted, and put the vial in his pocket. "In three days time you can have my old chambers in the dungeons. I will even see that they are refurbished, and Astoria will find a rather large deposit into her account."

"Keep your money." He chuckled. "But she will take the chambers and a new bed. She claims she will not be able to use it again after seeing my father in it."

"It's not my money. If this goes well you will soon inherit a fortune. You need to be your sarcastic self today and not appear to be expecting news." Severus sipped his tea. "And, the students need to know to respond quickly. If any question you on it you need to make them understand discipline will be meted out."

"You think this is necessary?"

"No, I do not. However, it is best to be prepared." He leaned back and watched as the students filed out of the hall. "During the battle there was time to get the younger ones out, if something were to happen this time, they will be caught here."

"I have not seen your wife this morning." Draco smirked.

"In this life I take great joy in the small things," Severus drawled.

"She is going to be pissed."

"Present tense, she is pissed." Severus smirked, thinking of Millie's kiss. "You will be receiving owls today. If I am correct, both of your parents will request you. Advise me at once but make no attempt to contact them."

"I have lessons this morning. How soon before things should start?"

Severus stood and smoothed down his robes. "Today there will be little to do. The quaffle now rests with Kingsley. I expect little to do until tomorrow."

"Astoria is collecting Hannah and Augusta for a trip to The Burrow." Draco stood and leveled his eyes at Severus. "She won't stay there. I expect she will be back within the hour."

"Demand it."

"Right, how long have you been _almost_ married?" Draco laughed. "Things may have changed around here, but Weasley will still run his mouth and Astoria will still … be Astoria."

"If I did not think they would kill each other I would send her to Hermione." Severus scowled. "Since your wife does not object to disguise, pick a student and steal a hair from him. Once she has changed, she can hide amongst them if there is a problem, until then put her down with Hagrid. No one would suspect her there, and Hagrid … he would protect her, or any witch, with his life."

He then pulled his wand and pointed it at the ceiling, releasing an alarm that sounded through every hallway and house in the castle. "This will give you enough time to secrete your wife. Do so quickly."

Draco made it back just before lunch and hurried directly to the Headmaster's office. He pulled the first of what would prove to be many missives from his pocket and tossed it on the desk, then flopped on a chair smirking.

"Father seems to be in a right snip." He nodded to the parchment. "He wants me to spy on you and tell him who opened the Bonner case."

"You have not responded to…"

"Of course not," Draco sneered. "However I must say Astoria has a few words she wanted to send."

"I hope you explained in no uncertain terms that the directive was for her as well?"

"Of course." He raised his eyebrow and looked at the window where a small brown barn owl had just arrived. "Expecting more news?"

Severus unlatched the window and pushed a bowl of treats toward the bird as he unfastened the scroll tied to its right legs. He almost grinned when he saw the Ministry seal and unrolling the parchment turned back to Draco.

"What a shame. It appears your family vaults have been secured, as has everything with the Malfoy name. I am to advise you of this at once." He looked up with a smirk. "You are so advised."

"Father will be furious," Draco sniggered.

"There is more." Severus read the rest of the note thinking that Kingsley had outdone himself this time. "If the matter is not put to rest in forty-eight hours the house, and all properties may be confiscated. Do you think we have his attention?"

A great snowy white owl landed on the sill, lowered its head, and swooped in to land on the arm of the chair Draco sat in. Laughing Draco stroked the bird's head and signaled Severus to close the window.

"Meet Gretel, she is mine. I think I should keep her here." He grinned and untied the parchment.

Draco stood up quickly and scowled at Severus. "This was uncalled for. Daisy is … she is not what you think. My dear father owns the note on her home, he will call it due and …" he ran his hand through his hair. "You need to protect her. She is doing what she must."

"What she must?" Severus looked at him with obvious disgust. "She is your father's whore."

"She lost her husband in the war. She is a bright witch, and used to work with him in that small shop in Diagon, the one … I can't remember its name … it specialized in rare books. It was destroyed, as were her books. Uncle, she has two children she takes care of and is determined to pay her husband's debts."

"So are many in these times." Severus frowned. "I fail to see how this…"

"She wears the mark. If it is ever discovered she will stand trial and may lose the children, lose everything and wind up in Azkaban."

"Should she?"

"No more than I." Draco looked at him evenly. "She had as much choice in it as my father is giving her now. She is not a … nice person. I have no delusions about that, but she has done nothing other than what she must."

"You have a … an arrangement … with Kingsley that I do not care to know about. Whatever your agreement is with him, I am sure he would see this as a breach of trust. The question for you is, are you willing to lose it all for her? No? Then go to Kingsley, but I am not interested, nor do I have the time to negotiate for her wellbeing. She wears the mark and is your father's whore. She is also the one that passed the tea to my wife. We have need of her now or she would already be crossing the North Sea."

"Renee also wore the mark and was a wizard's whore, do you…"

Severus pinned Draco to the back of his chair before the sentence was finished, his wand clutched tightly in his hand. "Do not finish that thought and do not revisit it again. I am in no mood. I have lost enough and if I have to put you in the ground with her and my son, I will do so. Do not make the mistake of doubting me."

Draco sat still until Severus released him then came to his feet. "And do not doubt me, _Headmaster_. I am willing to go through with this, but that is my mother, and like it or not my father I am helping to destroy and my wife I hide. Do not think I am in this for the joy of it, or to inherit my family's fortune? I am here for the same reason you are."

"That is enough, Draco." Astoria stood at the door looking at Severus with cold contempt obvious on her face. "You are needed in the dungeons."

"You should be…"

"I should be where I am." She turned from Draco and faced Severus. "Sir, you are sadly mistaken if you think I am hiding at a groundkeeper's hut. If there is a battle to fight here, then here I shall be. I will not leave. I am surprised your own wife did."

"Take your wife, Draco." Severus frowned at her. "Take her and teach her to …"

"He does not tell me what to do, Headmaster, any more than you do." She lifted her head and turned back to Draco. "Now, your father is below. He arrived by floo."

"Who opened it?" Draco scowled at her.

"It was closed this morning, I checked it myself." She spoke calmly, only a slight hesitation in her speech alerting Draco to her fear. "He seems quite … angry, and insists I collect you at once."

"Headmaster, I will trust you to watch over my wife." He turned for the door.

"Draco," Severus called him back. "She will be in my wife's private quarters, they may wait together. You have no reason to fear for her safety. Come with me," Severus walked to Astoria with a smirk. "It is much faster to do a side-along. If you will allow me?"

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Hermione was on her knees pulling out boxes from under the bed and dumping them upside down, spilling the contents on the floor, looking for anything she could use. She did not even know what she hoped to find, or what was looking for, she just had to keep looking. It was unlikely that an extra wand would just be lying around, and as unlikely as it had seemed at the time, she had spent nearly all night picking up every object she could find, hoping something had been turned into a portkey. She heard the floo activate and slowly pulled herself up, wincing at the small cramps in the small of her back.

She stormed into the sitting room, expecting to see Severus, ready to do verbal battle when she saw Astoria standing in the fireplace, her hand still raised as if ready to strike someone and her mouth hanging open.

"Joy," Hermione sneered, sounding like her husband. "Company."

"How dare he!"

"Oh, I assure you, he dares."

Astoria stepped out of the fireplace and looked around the room in disgust and horror. "This is a pigsty. At least he could send you an elf."

"He did, that is part of the problem." Hermione bit her lip and looked seeing the room as Astoria would. "I was looking for something."

"You did this?" Astoria picked up two throw pillows and tossed them back to the sofa. "It looks like someone ransacked the place."

"Yeah, well…" Hermione swallowed hard and threw one of the sofa cushions back where it belonged.

"How long have you been here?" Astoria was now picking up small framed pictures and setting them on the mantel.

"Since last night."

"You trashed this place in less than one day?" Astoria chuckled.

Hermione glared at her. "I had to sleep. It could be worse."

"It is really quite lovely, Italian?"

"Since we are in Italy I assume so," Hermione said flatly. "I take it they wanted you out of the way as well?"

"Your husband did."

"And yours?"

"Draco? Draco asks me, he does not tell me what to do." Astoria stopped picking up the sitting room and looked at Hermione. "He asked me to hide down at Hagrid's hut. I refused."

"So we are both stuck. And, Astoria, don't think for a moment that Draco does not know where you are. He is just better at hiding what he is doing. Severus does things to me in the open. They are in this together."

"If he knows what's good for him he will collect me before I return. As soon as Lucius leaves the castle I am going back."

"How?"

Astoria raised her hand and jingled her wrist. "Never leave home without a portkey my dear. I am surprised you do not wear one at all times yourself. I am more surprised that your husband does not insist on it."

Hermione smiled widely. "So, how long before Lucius leaves?"

"Not long." She frowned. "Before I take you back you need to know what is going on. If you insist on getting in the way I will leave you here."

Hermione scowled at her, then, knowing she was defeated sat down to listen.

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Draco stormed down to the dungeons. He had not expected his father to put in an appearance and used the time on his walk to build walls in his mind. His father was not as strong as Severus was, and whereas he could look, Draco knew he could not see anything that he chose to hide. He had survived this long by playing games, and now that the end was in sight, he was anxious to be done with it.

"Father," Draco greeted Lucius as he walked into his quarters. "Imagine my surprise to have my wards tampered with."

"I sent you an owl." Lucius stood stiffly, his lips in a thin line of anger across his arrogant face.

"I have been unable to find out anything. I had lessons this morning, I do have a job." Draco walked to the liquor cabinet and began to pour a drink when Lucius cane smashed the glass out of his hand.

"Bonner. What do you know?"

"Other than he was killed shortly before he was to start here, hired for a position promised to me, nothing." Draco pulled his wand and cleaned up the broken glass, then stood with the wand still in his hand. "If this is all you came for I have other things to do."

"Your bitch of a mother has frozen my accounts," Lucius spat and began to pace.

"Really?" Draco shrugged. "The letter I got from the Ministry said the problem seems to be from unpaid bills, and certain creditors putting liens on the family holdings. If it were mother, she would have just emptied them out. Why didn't she come with you? This is a social call and it has been a while since I have seen her."

"You know damned well where she is. That fool at the Ministry thinks he can use her to get to me." Lucius smirked, "I wouldn't care if they toss her in Azkaban after Friday, but once again their timing is rather poor."

"In the mean time, I think it is imperative to take care of your accounts," Draco sniggered. "If Mother learns of your intentions she will have those accounts cleaned out, and as much as I would love to see your sorry arse broke, if your vaults are emptied so goes my trust fund."

"I have an appointment with that fool Kingsley. In the mean time, we need to take care of the Bonner situation. It could prove … untimely."

"We?" Draco laughed. "What time is your appointment?"

"Tomorrow, I have to report to the Court. Of all the foolish things Kingsley has done, this is the most foolish."

"We will meet for lunch." Draco scowled at him. "From there we will go to Gringotts and separate my account."

"I also need to see Severus. Is he available?"

"No, he is out of the castle, in a budgeting meeting. Seems he is once again short," Draco smirked. "Perhaps things will be easier for you after today."

"Now that he is rid of that cow he can put his focus where it belongs. Bring him to dinner on Friday. We need to secure his loyalty and I think that lovely wife of yours can do the honors of oath giver."

"Friday? I will check with Astoria." Draco frowned. "Now, you must forgive me Father, but unlike you I do have a job to do."

"You will be there." Lucius demanded as he headed for the floo. "If I have to send for you, you will be there."

Draco stood and watched as his father left in a flash of green before slumping into a chair and taking a deep breath to calm himself.

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Daisy O'Conner was lead to a small holding cell at the end of the hallway. The only other female being in the corner cell, just behind the one Auror Rickard pushed the slight witch into. Although they could not see each other, they could hear what the other said.

"Please, if I could just send an owl. I have to arrange for my children's care. Please," she cried. "I haven't done anything, please."

"You are marked," the Auror slammed the bars shut and passed his wand over the seal. "You know the law."

"But what crime did I commit? You can't hold me just because of the mark, there has to be more." She challenged him.

"Prostitution is still a crime from what I hear." Rickard smirked.

"I am not!"

"You have been seen with Malfoy. We have found money transferred from his account to yours." He shrugged. "Tell it to the judge in the morning."

"Let me send an owl, Please. Or… send it for me. Send it to Lucius, he will tell you there is a mistake." She held onto the bars with both hands and called for him to come back, to help her, to collect her children.

Narcissa felt her stomach clench and the breath leave her lungs. Pressing her face to the bars, she tried to see who sat in the next cell. "Who are you? And how do you know him?"

"Him? Lucius? Can you get him? Please, my children are home alone. The damned Aurors didn't even let me find someone to tend them. Lucius will help me, I know he will."

"How do you know him?"

"If you are in here you shouldn't need to ask that," she snorted. "If they start rounding up all of us this place is going to be crowded."

"Tell me how you know him!"

"Come off it," Daisy gave a small laugh. "Don't tell me you thought you were the only one he was fucking."

Narcissa narrowed her eyes and began pacing, clenching her hands into fists and furiously thinking who this witch could be. "How long have you known him?"

"Longer than you honey if you think you are his one and only. You must be the new one around here," Daisy laughed.

Narcissa sat on the cot, her face crumbled into tears as she leaned forward, put her head in her hands and began to cry.

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.

Astoria and Hermione returned later that day. Waiting until they were sure Lucius would be gone and the rest of the students and staff in the Great Hall having dinner. They peeked into the hallways before stepping out, Astoria hurrying to the dungeons and Hermione heading for Severus' chambers, knowing if she was seen, the entire plan could be lost. Closing the door behind her, she did not even light the candles, afraid that it would show from the outside. Since the only light was a single orb over his desk, she sat down in his chair and began to search for quill and parchment.

She completely filled one page with a list of things that had to be done, and opened the drawer to grab another sheet of parchment when she spotted a letter from the Ministry, which bore Kingsley's seal. Thinking it was concerning Renee's final arrangements she opened it and began to read. At first, she thought it was a mistake, a joke. She held a writ of divorce, the one not granted on the last day of his trail. She puzzled that he should have kept a copy all this time when the whole thing was a hoax and let her eyes return to the top where the date was clearly marked.

She stood up, holding the parchment in her hand. Furiously she thought of the date, wondering that he could do this. He had said he believed her. Had admitted the child was his. Had acted as if he wanted to fix the marriage, wanted her. She dropped the parchment on the desk and sat down heavily; too numb to think beyond the date and the knowledge that the divorce was granted just the day before she lost the child. She flipped it, looked it over for the signature line, and found his name clearly written.

Smoothing the parchment flat on his desk, she opened his drawer and removed his Gringotts seal. She would need money. Her parent's house still had not sold. Perhaps, she thought, the tenants could be convinced to make an offer. She stood and pulled out her wand, making a decision that just an hour before she would have thought impossible. She felt strangely calm as she checked how her name was printed to see if she should sign with or without her middle initial. Signing the bottom of the decree, under his name, she then snapped her wand in two, laid both pieces on the decree of divorce and left to take the floo to the Leaky Cauldron where she made a trip to the bank, then stepped out into Muggle London.


	37. Day Two of the Plan

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 37**

**Day Two of the Plan**

* * *

Severus woke before sun shone on the horizon. He lay still for a moment, feeling the emptiness beside him like a weight. He missed her, only one night gone and he missed her. He sighed and sat up, swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and sat looking at the floor. He knew what today would bring to Hermione. He just did not know how it would end for her. It would be hard for her to sit in the courtroom and face Lucius, but he knew she would do it. He could almost picture the way she would stand, and hold up her head, spitting out retorts and pointing an un-quavering finger at Malfoy. He snorted thinking of Lucius' face when he saw her walk in, alive and well and took pride that she could do it after so much had happened to her.

The last time he had faced what he thought was the final battle he knew it would end in duels and death. Today he was unsure, apprehensive, and he felt, if it was possible, even more fear than he had at the sure death he had envisioned the last time. This time he could lose not just his physical life, he could lose everything he had ever wanted. This time he had a reason to live and only one person he wanted to protect.

He felt the cat rub up against his back and frowned, wondering how it came to be there. He turned and watched it look up at him, and then scamper off the foot of the bed, heading towards its food dish. Thinking Millie had brought it back he thought nothing more of it, instead calling out to Millie for his morning cup of tea. Confused and slightly irritated when she did not materialize he hurried to the shower, grumbling about house elves that took their freedom as he went.

He dressed with care that morning, making sure that he wore his best white shirt and newly pressed waistcoat. Putting on his robes, he adjusted his shoulders and tried to shrug off the feeling of doom that hung over him like a shroud. Today should go smoothly, he told himself. It had been planned and everything was in place. The Aurors would handle their jobs with efficiency, and with any luck, without firing off a single curse. All he had to do was keep control, to meet with Narcissa and not see Renee's body as it had lain at the gate.

He glanced at the parchment that sat on his nightstand and cast a spell, reducing it to ash. Hermione did not need to see Madam Pomfrey's latest findings, that it was the after effect of the altered tea that the taken the baby from her womb. He watched the ash settle to the tabletop and spill onto the floor, remembering how he had found her on the floor, bleeding out his son and wondered for a moment what she was doing at this exact moment.

Taking a letter from his pocket, he laid it on the bed, assured that if he did not return it would be found. If he did return, he could destroy it. If not, Hermione needed to know to sign the paper in his desk. Only by divorcing him could she be spared the horror of being put on trial herself and possibly going to Azkaban if his plans for Lucius went awry. A divorce would show the world that she abhorred what he had done. As his wife she could, and if he knew public sentiment she would, be listed as a co-conspirator in the death of Lucius Malfoy.

He then crossed to the cupboard and took down a sack filled with gold coins, enough to hire a solicitor. He smirked, remembering Augusta Longbottom and her solution to his first such dilemma. Standing in the middle of the room, he looked at the bed, where he had first taken her, and closing his mind, strode out to start the day.

.

.

Severus walked into the holding cells at the Ministry to see Narcissa, not at all surprised when she flew into his arms sobbing. Holding her gently to his side, he helped her sit on the edge of the thin mattress, and sat next to her, taking out a handkerchief and offering it to her.

"After everything I did for him," she sniffed. "Everything I gave up. Severus, please, help me. He hasn't even come to see me."

"Cissy," he sighed, laying his head on hers. "He doesn't deserve you. He has never been the kind of husband you deserve."

"It's that witch in the next cell," she whispered, looking up at him tearfully and hanging on to his lapels. "She is spreading rumours about him. She seduced him, she did. That's why she is here. She is a whore. I bet she spelled him, or snuck him a potion to make him do this to me."

"Cissy," he said kindly. "If that were true I would not have come. Unfortunately, there is more." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the vial Draco had given him. "I should have said something to you sooner."

"What is that?" She patted her eyes with the handkerchief. "Severus?"

'Cissy," he shook his head sadly. "Why are you here?"

"I don't know." She looked at the floor, avoiding his eyes. "Lucius put something in my drink, and the next thing I knew I was being arrested and thrown in here."

He wanted to ask how she could not have tasted polyjuice, even if it were mixed with the strongest drink he could imagine, and whose clothes she had been wearing, but managed to show no emotion, only looked at her sadly. "You need to see this."

He walked to the bars and asked the guard to bring a large flat bowl of water, into which he poured the memory of a Polyjuiced Draco and a very willing Astoria. Holding his face impassive, he waved Narcissa to join him as he placed the bowl on the floor.

"The only reason I am showing you this is because it is so … inappropriate, that I cannot condone what he is doing to you and Draco, Cissy," he whispered and tipped up her chin to look into her eyes. "Your son means the world to me. You know that. I still honour the oath I took to protect him. What Lucius is doing can no longer be overlooked."

Narcissa looked at him and rested her hand on his cheek as she turned to peer down at the bowl. "Will you come with me?"

Severus fought his smirk as he nodded, and guided her head down to the bowl. After her face disappeared in the simmering memory, he allowed himself a snort and quickly followed.

.

.

.

At the same time as they were viewing the memory, Lucius was storming into Kingsley's office demanding that he reopen his accounts at once, to allow him to pay for a solicitor. Since they had been informed that his accounts were frozen, they had refused to take any legal action on his behalf until they were paid up front. Kingsley laughed and suggested he make a trip to visit Mrs. Longbottom, as she appeared to be the only one he knew that had once found a way around the problem.

Lucius left in a flurry or robes, swearing he would be back and there would be hell to pay, as Kingsley silently agreed with him. .

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.

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At Hogwarts, in the Great Hall, delivery owls were dropping The Daily Prophet as students snatched them up and spread them flat to read the latest news from the outside world. They were surprised to see Lucius' picture on the front page with flashing headlines declaring him bankrupt. _Fortune Squandered_ shouted out from the pages.

Draco heard Astoria's bark of laughter and turned in time to see her put her hand over her mouth and turn away from the students.

"Something I should know?" he asked with a smile.

"I wanted to make sure none of his so called friends would spot him the money." She grinned. "I think this should do it nicely."

.

.

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Daisy held on to the bars in her cell and listened to the anguished sobs from the cell next to hers. She wanted to see who she now knew to be her lover's wife. _The bitch_, she thought. If the cow had the good sense to leave Lucius years ago, none of this would have happened. She would now own the grand Malfoy Manor and soon be sitting in power with him instead of sniveling in a jail cell.

She hoped whatever the blood-traitor had brought her to see in the pensieve would be enough to convince the hag to leave, and that with her gone Lucius would be free to come and take her and her children home with him.

.

.

.

Narcissa fell into the memory, recognizing the dungeons of Hogwarts at once. Turning to see Severus at her side, she cocked an eyebrow at him. "Why are we at my son's chambers?"

"Your son was on patrol this time," Severus said calmly, then nodded to where Astoria sat on the bed naked except for the pillow she hugged in front of her. "I took the liberty of stealing this from Astoria's mind. She is a simpleton, which made it easy."

"Ah, you are ready my dear," Lucius' voice purred as he stepped out of the loo naked, his erection hard and firm as he stroked it, sneering at the witch on the bed.

"I see you are ready for another go," Astoria said in a husky voice. "I must say, if your son had more stamina I may not need you so often."

"If my wife was as good as you are, I would have died of a heart attack long ago," he sniggered. "Now get on your knees, I want to take you hard, hard and long. And this time don't coax it out of me so quickly."

Narcissa blanched and spun into Severus chest, hiding her face in her hands and sobbing. Severus wrapped his arms around her, watching Draco and almost admiring his act. He wanted to snicker when Astoria insisted on a sheet to cover her nakedness, claiming it was too cold on her knees as she slid to the floor, leaned over the bed, and shoved her arse in the air. He saw her looking around nervously, knowing that she would later be watched, and in an act of complete appropriateness, he turned away with Narcissa and stood in the shadows, only able to hear the coupling.

The sound of skin slapping skin and her husbands moans were enough for Narcissa. She beat her hands on Severus' chest and cried uncontrollably until they were again sitting on the floor of the cell.

.

.

.

"What the fuck is this?" Lucius spat as he felt ropes snake around his arms pulling them behind his back, and tying him securely.

"I have orders." Arthur shrugged. "Strange that they sent me, I know, but orders are orders."

"About what?" Lucius sputtered. "I am not robbing the place. I came to ask about my vaults."

"The name Dobbins mean anything to you? You know, the professor up at Hogwarts that died a while back?"

"Never heard of him, now I demand you release me!"

"Umm, sorry Mr. Malfoy. I am sure it is just a mistake… one that will be cleared up in no time. Maybe I got it wrong."

"Listen here, Weasley, I have to …."

"I am afraid you have to do as you are told," Harry said as he walked up to the cashier's window and grinned at Mr. Weasley. "I'll take it from here."

.

.

.

"Mrs. Malfoy?"

Severus and Narcissa turned to see Ronald unsealing the gate to the cell.

"Your husband is asking for you."

"He came to get me out?" Narcissa clutched at Severus. "Are you sure... I mean…"

"We have time to visit the memory again if you are unsure," Severus suggested.

"No! I don't need to see any more. And Astoria… his own daughter-in-law… how dare he," she hissed. "I am done with him. He can rot in Azkaban for all I care."

"Are you ready?" Ronald asked Narcissa as he watched Snape closely and saw his small nod. "He is down in the courtroom. He wants you to be there for the hearing on his finances."

"Fine," she snapped and stomped out to Ronald. "Well, are you going to cuff me?"

Looking over her shoulder, he saw Snape shake his head. "No, Mrs. Malfoy. I think he has put you through enough for one day. This is just a simple court procedure. However, since his… since your cellmate was brought in here there has been a great deal of gossip. We can go up the back way to avoid the crowds if you prefer."

"Everyone knows?" She spun and cried to Severus. "That bastard! I'll be a laughing stock in front of my friends!"

"Come, Cissy," Severus cooed, "let me help you."

He slid his arm around her shoulders and walked with her, following Ronald down to the courtroom where Lucius waited, bound and gagged. Seeing Kingsley, Severus transferred Narcissa to Ronald, and hurried to the Senior Auror.

"Kingsley, it's going too fast. Hermione should have been here. Who did you send for her?" Severus spat.

Kingsley frowned and pulled Severus back to the wall. "She was not there. We have to press forward on the rape charge without her."

Severus looked back to the witness bench where Narcissa sat with her chin up, keeping her eyes turned away from Lucius. He knew that look. If she had a wand, he knew Lucius would be hexed.

"She can't be forced to take the serum," he muttered," but she can request it if we need her to. We have to push her now, before Lucius has time to convince her to forgive him. If he gets her alone for even five minutes it's over."

"I have dispatched Aurors to find her, Severus. We have to proceed without her."

"Fine," Severus spat and returned to take up the chair next to Narcissa.

"Cissy," Severus leaned close to her ear and whispered to her. "He is going to put the blame on you. I just spoke to Kingsley on your behalf. He is accusing you of being a spendthrift and letting the bills go unpaid. There is also another small matter that may figure into it."

He watched her eyes flutter and turn to his. "What?"

"Bonner's death," he said.

"Bonner? Who?"

Severus sighed and looked back at Kingsley. "Bonner was a professor at Hogwarts, he was killed. His position was filled by Hermione Granger. Do you remember?"

"Granger?" She lifted her head higher, a look of disgust covering her face. "None of this would have happened if that little bitch had learned her place."

"Yes, well unfortunately she did not," he muttered.

"We should have taken issue with Longbottom, she started all this. If she had not saddled you with that tart things would have gone much better."

"Cissy, about Bonner…"

"We know they are at the Burrow," she said with a wink. "Once I get rid of Lucius we will get rid of them. Severus, now is the time. Take his place. We can do it together. We can be the ones. You and me, together, like it would have been if Augusta had not ruined things."

"You know who is at the Burrow?"

"The blood-traitors," she hissed. "Listen to me! We don't need them, any of them. We can do this, just you and I."

Severus looked up at Kingsley. He was alarmed that he had overlooked the possibility that it was Narcissa that was behind this, laying the blame at only Lucius' feet. He cursed himself for not being better prepared and furiously thought of how to get her to take the truth serum now. The doors above the judge's stand opened and a dozen robed individuals entered at the same time the door to the spectator's area was thrown open, and Neville came running down the aisle, holding Hermione by the hand and dragging her with him.

"Come to order!" The gavel came down signaling the beginning of the hearing. "Now, what have we been dragged here for?"

"Your Honours," Kingsley stepped away from the wall and began. "Whereas we could normally wait for a more opportune time, the social status of the accused is such that I felt the matter should be handled at once."

Severus watched as Hermione sat next to Neville, her hand in his, as she stared straight ahead. He stayed next to Narcissa, wanting his wife to turn and look at him. He wanted to see her face and judge her nervousness, not watch her sit holding onto Longbottom. He clenched his jaw and turned around to see the look on Lucius' face and let himself relax. The look of confusion and sudden fear was there.

"The charges?" the judge sneered. "If this is about the recent disclosures in the Prophet I will dismiss this case at once. We are not here to sit in judgment on financial…"

"No," Hermione stood stiffly. "I am pressing charges of attempted rape against Mr. Lucius Malfoy."

Narcissa's nails bit into Severus' hand as she spun to glare at her husband. "You bastard," she spat as she came to her feet. "How dare you? A Mudblood whore? How could you? How could you do this? You couldn't even get it right when you said she was dead!"

"Please your honor," Kingsley spoke above Narcissa's outburst. "If we may have a moment before we begin."

The judge saw Severus trying to make Narcissa sit, as Lucius fought against his restraints, making gurgling noises and fighting to be heard. "Five minutes. Restrain your witness, Mr. Shacklebolt, or she will be thrown out."

Severus stood and yanked Narcissa in front of him. "Cissy, we need to talk." He pushed her toward the holding room just off the main floor, and then shoved her into a chair and began pacing. He glanced at her with a smirk and knew now she would talk.

"Give me the names, Cissy. The names of those that will be with us.

"Not now," she hissed. "That son-of –a-bitch, rutting around like an animal."

"Cissy." He leaned his arms on the table the locked his eyes on her face. "I need the names. All of them. If he gets out of here, we have to be prepared. I can leave and take care of them before he gets out. I have to contact them and tell them it is you and I that will lead them to the next level."

"You'll do it? You'll be the one?" She jumped to her feet and ran around the table, fisting his robes and pulling him to her.

"Yes," he lowered his head and kissed her, swirling his tongue in her mouth and letting his hands glide over her body. "Cissy, I have waited for you. For years I have waited."

She nodded and smiled widely. "We will be unstoppable. We will have it all. With your power and my fortune we will have it all."

Gently helping her to a chair, he pulled out parchment and quill and waited for her to compile the list. "Are you sure, absolutely sure this is all?"

"Yes, there were twenty-nine. However with you here, with me, there are now only twenty- eight."

Severus picked up the parchment and scanned the list, seeing the six Draco had told him were not in attendance the last time he had been at the Manor. He was startled when the door opened and Ronald peeked in. "They have started. We need you back in there."

"Yes, of course," Severus said, turning to Narcissa. "Mrs. Malfoy?"

As he took her arm and led her back to the courtroom, he passed the parchment to Ronald, who then ran to assign the Aurors their positions. Severus quickly scanned the courtroom when he saw Neville sitting alone. A glance at the witness seat told him why. He helped Narcissa to her seat and stood behind her, silently willing Hermione to turn and look at him.

"I am sorry for the interruption," Severus apologized to the court.

"Do go on Miss Granger." One of the judges said.

"That's really all of it," her voice rang clear and strong. "From there I managed to run to the nearest floo, the one in the potions classroom that had been left unlocked. I left as soon as I could grab the powder."

"And where did you go?" The judge asked peering down at her.

"To my friend's house, the home of Mr. and Mrs. Harry Potter. They encouraged me to stay with them as they felt it was unsafe to return."

"Are the Potter's here?" The judge looked around and saw Harry stand and nod. "Yes, well … Mr. Potter you are hereby ordered to step into the hallway. Witnesses should not be here at this time."

"Your Honour," Lucius stood up, dragging chains and manacles that had replaced the ropes and gag. "I object to this farce. Her only witness has just sat through the entire charge."

"Mr. Malfoy, you will sit quietly or you will be removed from this courtroom. We released some of the restraints as a courtesy. Do not try my patience."

"I demand my rights! These were not the charges I was brought here to answer. I was arrested on false…"

"If I may, your Honour," Mr. Weasley stood. "I was the arresting Auror on this case and at no time did I site another charge."

"You asked me about Bonner you bastard," Malfoy shouted as he pulled against the chains.

Kingsley's rich baritone laugher filed the courtroom. "Mr. Malfoy, if he had asked you about the unseasonably warm weather we are experiencing would you think you were being charged with altering that as well? Your Honour, we need to get on with the case at hand. The Bonner death will be dealt with later."

"Miss Granger, you may be seated." The judge turned to Lucius. "What have you in your defense?"

Defense? Defense against what? Unfounded charges? What evidence does she have?"

"Then you will not object to taking the truth serum to repeat that claim?" Kingsley frowned. "Your Honours, the defendant admits that she cannot remove the memories for viewing, this would be the only way."

Lucius grinned and arrogantly flipped his hair over his shoulder. "No objections whatsoever."

A small witch in a red robe stepped up and held a dropper to his mouth, counting out three drops onto his tongue. The handful of spectators all watched silently, waiting to see his eyes glaze slightly and his breathing to even, signaling his readiness.

"Mr. Malfoy," Kingsley strode up in front of the wizard. "I need to ask you some questions to ascertain how the serum in working. Do you understand?"

"Yes," he ground out.

"What do you think of Miss Granger?"

Lucius sneered and looked at Hermione menacingly. "She is a filthy mud-blood whore."

"I see," Kingsley muttered and clasped his hands behind his back as he paced in front of Lucius.

"Mr. Shacklebolt," one of the judges said in warning.

"Speaks to his character, your Honour. He would not consider harming Miss Granger a crime." He waited for the murmur between the judges to die down, and walked back in front of Malfoy before continuing.

"So, when you thought you had snapped her neck, you and your wife, that was also to rid the world of a filthy Mudblood?"

Narcissa gasped and snapped her head up, seeing two Aurors replace Severus behind her chair.

"Yes," Lucius choked.

"Your Honours," Kingsley looked up at the judges, "that will be a separate trial at this time we are only concerned with the rape. So, Mr. Malfoy, when you saw her walk into the courtroom you must have been surprised indeed."

Lucius glared at him, but kept his mouth clamped shut. Until there was a question he need not answer.

"Did you think she was dead, Mr. Malfoy?" Kingsley saw Ronald reenter the room and approached him, taking the list of names as he waited for Lucius' answer.

"Yes," he squeaked.

"You did not know it was Renee Mulciber that you and your wife killed?" Again, he turned to the judges. "This too will be brought up in a later trial, but I would suggest you take Mrs. Malfoy into custody at this time."

Lucius fought the potion, twisting his head from side to side and clutching the arms of the chair before finally forced to spit out his response. "No, it was the Granger whore we killed."

Narcissa shot Severus a look of contempt, as she was hauled up from her seat and dragged out of the courtroom. "I'll get you Snape. So help me Merlin, I will get you."

"My, my," Kingsley sighed and turned back to Lucius. "She is very upset. Now, Mr. Malfoy, one more question, just to ascertain the truthfulness of your answers you do understand…"

He walked to the judges stand and reached up, handing them the list Narcissa had made.

"The names on this list are being detained as we speak Your Honours," he said with a grin. "However, another case entirely."

"Mr. Shacklebolt, this is most unusual."

"Yes your honour, but one more question and I think we can return to the matter at hand." He went back to stand inches from Malfoy's face. "How do you plan to set up the next Dark Lord?"

Lucius struggled against the restraints that had sprung from the arms of his chair holding him tightly in place. His head twisted to the side as he fought not to give the answer, finally, not able to resist he spewed out the information.

"Ammitt," he choked. "Ammitt has shown me the way. A vessel waits, waits for me to fill it. An immortal vessel," he began to laugh, "I will…"

"You will die in Azkaban," Kingsley spat and turned back to the judges.

"I will take the power," Lucius thundered. "I can call him back. I can call my Lord and with him we will rule not just this world but all we see, together. Together in one body."

He twisted his head down to his sleeve, as Severus came to his feet and began to run, trying to stop what he suddenly knew would happen. Lucius bit the button on his cuff, and was at once, transported away.

"No," Hermione gasped, and stood looking around wildly, thinking a ward should have prevented him from leaving.

"What is the meaning of this?" Severus raged, slamming his fist down on the empty chair. "Why was he not inspected?"

"Fuck," Kingsley slumped into the nearest chair, then looked up at Severus. "You must be fast. He has only one place to go."

Severus ran to Hermione, surprised when she looked at him coldly. "I only came here today because I promised I would."

"What is wrong?" He reached for her upper arms only to have her step out of his reach.

"Wrong?" She shrugged. "Nothing is wrong now. I imagine everything is as it should have been years ago."

He turned back at the sound of his name being called and saw Ronald and his father waiting impatiently by the door. "I must leave."

"Right," she said flatly. "Good bye, Severus."

"Hermione, I sent you to the villa to … I shouldn't have. I would not risk him finding you, I… I was concerned," he admitted.

"You don't have to concern yourself any longer," she said, looking over his shoulder. "They are waiting for you."

He reached to tip up her chin, leaning down to kiss her when she pushed him away and turned on her heel. Walking steadily up the aisle to the door where Neville waited for her. He scowled and knew it would be a long time before she forgave him for making her hide at the villa and he turned to join the others to go after Lucius.


	38. The Final Battle

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 38**

**The Final Battle**

* * *

Severus ran to the Weasleys and together they headed for the Apparation points in the lobby, joined as they ran by several other Aurors, including Harry who barked out orders about which groups they were in. Soon the space echoed with cracks of thunder as one after the other left for Malfoy Manor, as quickly as they had arrived.

Landing in front of the manor's gates, Severus was already at a full run before the others began to appear, cutting across the well-manicured lawns he sped to the side entrance that would put him closer to area he needed. He knew Lucius would be in the dungeons hidden under the ballroom and he intended to reach him before the others. The Weasleys gathered the Aurors around them and assigned search areas to them before entering the manor, making sure they all understood that their objective was to capture a suspected criminal, but not to kill. Unforgivables were once again forbidden, except by prior approval of the Ministry, and Lucius had not been convicted of a dangerous act.

"Where's Snape?" Harry was breathing heavily as he ran up and questioned Arthur.

"Damned fool took off," Arthur ground out. "We could have used him. He is the only one that knows his way around this place."

"The main dungeons are off the kitchen," Ronald said, and turned to wave a group of Aurors towards the house. "We should start there."

Arthur looked at the direction Snape had run and taking two of the troops with him headed off in that direction.

"Arthur," Harry called after him. "Wait, I'm coming with you. He'd know better than us where to go."

"He won't wait," Arthur said. "He sees this as his personal fight."

"Maybe, because Lucius made it personal when he killed Renee." Harry panted between breaths as they ran toward the house. "He thought he was killing Hermione, how do you think that makes him feel?"

"He knows better, he knows not to bring anything personal into battle." Arthur waved his men to fall in behind him. "Where does the side door go?"

"To the back of the ballroom I think. It's been a long time."

They ran into the ballroom and saw the panel that was open to a staircase.

"Wait here," Arthur told Harry as he waved his men to fall in behind him.

"I am not…"

"You will do as you are told. Knowing Snape, he will be done by the time we get down there. If he makes it by us you need to tell him where we went or if we don't make it back in fifteen minutes call reinforcements. He is assuming Lucius is alone. I don't know Harry, this is not like him at all."

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"Hermione?" Neville caught up to her and took her elbow, stopping her and turning her around. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she smiled thinly, and held up a hand to show him the tremors. "I was scared to death standing up there. My gods, I didn't think it would be so hard to see him."

"Who?" Neville tipped up her chin. "Lucius or Snape?"

She searched his face expecting to see him grin, but saw only his concern. "You know how it has been between us, Neville. At least now, I know for sure. I think that was the worst part, not knowing."

"Hermione, I am so sorry."

"It's over," she said. "I'll be fine Neville, stop this now. You look like I feel."

"We can wait here, I'll sit with you," Neville offered.

"No, I want to leave. I have a lot to do today." She turned and started for the lobby. "I will be at Potter's old house for a couple of days. You will stop in and tell me when it's over? I can't sit here and wait. I just can't."

"Of course," Neville said, as he matched his strides to hers. "Should I tell him where…"

She stopped and turned to him. "No, Neville. Please. I need to be away from him. I'll stop at the market and get something to fix for tea. You'll stop by later? Please? I have to know."

"I don't think the electricity is turned on, you may want to stick to cold sandwiches since you don't have your wand."

She sighed and tried to grin. "It's going to take some getting used to. So, I'll see you later?"

Neville watched her step out into Muggle London, and then hurried back to the courtroom to await any news, and be ready to collect Hermione if the news was bad.

.

.

Severus opened the panel that hid the staircase to the secret dungeons. Taking a deep breath as memories of earlier times assailed him he slipped his wand out of his sleeve and rose to the balls of his feet, quieting his footfalls as he began his slow downward path. The smell of damp earth filled the enclosed tight-fit staircase causing him to suck in his breath between his teeth. Putting his hand on the stone wall in the absence of a banister, he recoiled from the feeling of the slimy mildew that covered the evenly placed stones.

_It ends now_, he thought as he fought to continue down the stairs, not knowing what he would find, and for a moment wondered if this is what it felt like to be in Azkaban. He had envisioned it much like this. Cold, cramped spaces, devoid of hope and light, the smell of damp soil, his only company his dreams and nightmares of the past.

He tried to close his mind to all but the task ahead of him, wanting to think no further than ending the horror that had controlled and taken his life. As he reached the bottom, and narrowed his eyes, looking down the dark corridor, he imagined he could still smell the vomit and urine from the inmates of long ago. He found himself relieved to remember that Hermione had been thrown into the dungeons at the other end of the manor and quickly pushed her from his thoughts.

_Fuck_, he opened his mouth to breath, as the long forgotten memories of the Dark Lord and Lucius' penchant for torture hit him full in the face. Seeing the yellow glow of candle light from under the third door he cleared his mind, and built walls as he had so long ago and prepared to open the door to see what awaited.

A creature, with the body of a grotesquely misshapen man, stood tall, as tall as two men, turning its head to the ceiling. It had hooves, split hooves that stood under legs in the shape of a man, but covered in bristly hair. A long tail flicked behind the monstrosity, holding Snape's gaze as it hit the creature's thighs. He was finally able to raise his eyes to the creature's naked chest. The chest of a man, well tone and muscled. But it was the head Snape could not fit to the creature and felt his flesh turn cold upon seeing. It was the head of an Ibex, its eyes closed, its snout stretched up, up to sniff at the magic swirls that hovered just beyond its reach.

Snape slowly turned and watched Lucius' back, saw his wand moving in patterns too quick and intricate to duplicate, incanting a charm Snape could not place, in a language he did not recognize.

Lucius stood mimicking the creature, or perhaps it was the creature that mimicked him. Snape was unsure as he watched Lucius' essence pour out of his mouth, mix with the magic, and begin its slow descent into the mouth of the creature. He did not stop to yell, to break the spell, to have Lucius' soul rush back to him, to kill the creature and save the man, as he knew he could.

Coldly, he raised his wand. Coldly he braced his feet and tipped his head back. _It ends now_, he thought as the calmly evoked the spell, and in a flash of light killed Lucius Malfoy.

"Give me you wand," Arthur said quietly, going down on one knee next to the dark wizard. "Severus? Your wand."

Severus looked up into Weasley's eyes and nodded, handing him his wand and taking a deep breath before sitting back on his heels to look at the scene being carried out in front of him. He felt his chest pounding, and his ears thundered with the sound of his heart.

Arthur tested Severus' wand, not needing proof that it was the one that had cast the killing curse, but going through the motions as he struggled to do what he knew he should. Pushing the wand back in Severus' hand he leaned back on his heel.

"You know I have to take you in."

Severus nodded, and pushed himself up from the damp floor, brushing off his robes. "I am aware of that."

"Severus…when we get down to the Ministry I can stall. It may be able to get you a few hours. At least while we lay Renee to rest. It's the best I can do."

"That, I would appreciate," he said stiffly, looking back at Malfoy's body and the thing that lay in the corner.

"What is that thing?" Weasley shook his head looking at the abomination.

"That is up to someone else to figure out. You should however caution your men not to touch it until the magic it holds can be released. Your eldest should be called in on this."

Arthur nodded, "I can feel it also."

"You are the only one left, Arthur. The rest of the Order is too young to remember, and Kingsley too close to the Ministry. You are now the old man in charge."

"In charge?" Arthur questioned.

"Yes, in charge of watching for the next one. I trust you will not let them down."

"I am not a leader, Severus,' Arthur shook his head. "You need to find someone else."

"Not I," he said coldly as he walked to the door. "My time is thankfully over."

.

.

.

Severus ran up the stairs taking two at a time, throwing Hermione's doors open and not seeing her, he rushed into her bedroom. Seeing she had not slept in her bed, he then turned and hurried to his quarters, thinking that perhaps she had gone there to wait for him. Again, the door opened onto an empty room, his letter still lay where he had left it, untouched and unopened. He went to the floo and called to Astoria, thinking Hermione had taken refuge with her for the company, even as he knew she would never seek out Draco's wife.

"Damn her," he muttered aloud, and headed to the library. After checking with Poppy and flooing the Potters, he still had no idea where she was. Growing more concerned, he decided to send an owl to the Burrow, not wanting to get into a conversation with a Weasley.

As he approached his desk, he felt a lead weight hit his stomach. _Fuck_, he closed his eyes and stood for a moment before continuing to his chair where he sat heavily, looking at her broken wand and the document on which it rested. He did not know how long he sat there, only that when he heard a voice call his name he found Neville standing in the doorway, and noticed the shadows had moved indicating the passage of time.

"Yes, Professor Longbottom, what can I do for you?" He opened the top drawer and brushed the parchment and broken wand into it.

Neville saw what he did, but did not comment, instead told him that the services for Renee were to start soon, and quietly backed out of the room. Severus stood, smoothed his rumpled robes, and walked slowly down the stairs and across the grounds to where Arthur had made the preparations.

"Is Hermione joining us?" Molly said softly, laying her hand on Severus' arm.

"No, she is indisposed."

"We should start," Arthur took his position at the head of the grave and began the service with prayers older than anyone in the wizarding world could remember. Kingsley stood at the foot of the grave, calling back the responses in his calm baritone voice, lending a surreal element to the affair. Severus listened as long as he could then turned and walked away, the prayers still filling the air. He no longer cared if he stood and pretended that all would be well. He no longer cared if the useless traditions were upheld, or if Kingsley felt the slight. He could no long stand and bury Renee, while his mind was elsewhere.

That night as he lay trying to sleep, he felt a tiny weight on the bed and the soft padding of the kitten's feet as it headed for his pillow. Rasputin sat on the pillow and resting his front paws on Severus' head as it began to purr.

"I don't think so," Severus reached and picked up the offending cat by the scruff of the neck.

He dropped it on the other side of the bed and watched it curl up on Hermione's pillow, content to lick itself and yawn. Severus swung his legs over the edge of the bed and headed for the chair, unable to lie and wait for sleep. He had not wanted to send her away. Had meant to tell her why the paper sat waiting for her signature, or have her read it first in the letter he had left, but for her to find out the way she had, meant she did not know the reason. It gnawed at him. _She is better off_, he thought as he ached to have her near. It was only a matter of time before they hauled him off to throw him in prison, and this time there would be no reprieve.

He looked up as a knock came to the door, and a glance at the clock told him it was too late for a student. Pulling the door open and expecting the Aurors, he was surprised to find Minerva.

"When did you get back, and more to the point why?"

"That is a fine how do you do," she sniffed, pushing him aside and walking into the sitting room. "I should say the same thing to you. You have time to hide until this is settled you do know."

"Do come in, I am sure you will make yourself at home."

"Stop. You knew I could not stay away once I heard. Now, tell me what happens from here?"

"There is nothing to tell. It is over. At last it is over."

"Are you sure?"

"Until the next madman comes along, yes I am. The last of Voldemort's faithful are dead or will soon die in Azkaban. Kingsley was able to sweep every location on the list, a list that will now have my name added to it."

"I wish Albus were here to see it," she choked. "Speaking of which, where is his picture?"

"He talks to Moaning Myrtle, she seems to understand him."

"You are a cruel man," she sniggered. "So, where is that wife of yours? I do hope she is not in bed already."

"No, she is indisposed."

"I heard about the baby, Severus," she said softly. "Poppy said there is no reason she cannot have more."

"Since her breeding is no longer my concern…"

"Now what did you do?"

"I have done nothing that did not need to be done. Hermione has left."

"Left? You are an idiot," Minerva tossed the robes on the sofa and turned to look down her nose at him. "What did you say to her now?"

"Nothing, we are beyond words."

"Floo her, we need to set this right."

"She is not here."

"Where is she, Severus? Surely you did not send her back to …"

"I sent her no place. She chose to go."

"Severus," Minerva said in a warning voice.

"She decided to return to her Muggle life," he sighed. "Minerva, please. There is nothing you can say I have not already thought of myself."

"How… why…," Minerva stood up sputtering.

"She will be fine. She has taken sufficient funds from Gringotts and left."

"That, I do not believe. She would never clean out your accounts."

"No, she made a detailed accounting of her salary deposits less the cost of each and every purchase she had made and then took only what she…" He ran his hand through his hair. "She left her cat. Gods, the woman even figured in the cost of her food for the summer months."

"Severus, you need to find her..."

"She will be dragged on the stand. One question about her research into the creatures or plotting with Renee and I, and she will be named and convicted as my accomplice. You know how things work here, Minerva. She … she is better off this way."

"She is not better off, she needs to …"

"No, this conversation is over. I will only tell you to stay out of it. If you want the cat, I will pay you to take it. If you don't want it I will pay you double."

"I take it my old rooms are still available for me?"

"As always, Minerva, for as long as you want. Hogwarts will soon be in need of a temporary Headmaster. You should apply for the position."

"Thank you, no. It will be a short…"

"No, Minerva. It was my wand. They have tested it and are deciding what to do with an again accused ex-Death Eater." He turned to the liquor cabinet. "Have a drink with me. It may be my last for some time."

"Talk to me," she sighed and sat on the sofa, accepting the drink he held out to her.

"We knew Malfoy would go home. It was the only place he could have gone." He swirled the amber fluid in the bottom of his glass and sniggered. "It was easy. I knew the way to the dungeons, and knew he would be there, and he was."

"Severus, there were no witnesses. Surely it was self defence."

"No, my dear, I am not sure it was," he said with a smirk. "His back was to me. He was casting a spell at this… creature. It was really rather interesting."

"Severus?"

"It had half the body of a man… or rather the shape…but the head, the head…" He poured another drink and gulped it down. "It was alive, Minerva. I don't know how he did it, but it lived. I must say he had accomplished what I did not think he could. It was a vessel for more than a soul. It was the vessel for all the magic he took from those that got in his way. The Ministry carted it off, I am sure they will examine it to determine how it was done. I would appreciate it if you could get the oldest Weasley boy in on it. It is a great learning experience." He chuckled and shook his head. "No one has ever seen a living, breathing Ammitt before. That is what is odd. That Malfoy, who cannot think his way out of a glass of mead, managed this. I am slipping…my skills must be sorely behind."

"Severus," Minerva put her glass down and walked over to him, putting her hand on his shoulder. "You have friends to stand with you this time."

"I didn't stop to think," he raised eyes and looked directly at her. "I knew, I knew if I killed the beast it would take Lucius with it. And that is exactly what I did. I knew if he broke the incantation, if the spell stopped, the beast would die but he would live. So I cast the curse quickly, while their souls were still joined."

"Severus, come sit with me, we can get drunk," she said dryly.

"He is the one that took me to see Voldemort the first time. Did I ever tell you that story?" he said with a smirk and grabbed the bottle. "I used to think that was the worse he could have done, but I was wrong."

"Maybe you are already drunk," Minerva muttered and pulled the bottle from his hand.

"He tried to rape my wife. He … do you remember Renee?"

"Severus, it is time for a cup of tea."

"No." He glared at her. "You may yet get your job back but until you do you do not give orders, my dear." He went back to the liquor cabinet and got a full bottle. "He killed my son."

He heard Minerva's intake of breath and chuckled. "Surprising isn't it. The one he did not have to fear, he killed, and the one that kills him is the one he used to trust. There was a time I put lot of faith into the notion of trust. I do believe it is what cost me my wife. I have since learned trust is a notion for fools."

A timid knock came to the door. "I think I shall be leaving now." He nodded to Minerva. "I trust you can find your way around."

He walked to the door and threw it open only to find Ronald looking rather awkward and grim. "Cheer up, Weasley, it is not every day you get to haul in the great git of the dungeons."

"Sorry about this. I thought it was better if I came."

"Do not apologise, Weasley." He strode out and down the hall. "Friendship has no place in business, and when the business is that of war it has no place at all."

"Headmaster!" Ronald lengthened his strides to keep up with Severus. "Please, I have to…"

"Once we are outside the gates, Mr. Weasley. You will not make a show in front the students no matter how much you enjoy showing off."

Ronald walked beside him silently, a little surprised when they crossed the wards and Severus stopped and turned to him calmly. Holding out his hand, Ronald waited until the slim ebony wand lay on his palm before using his own to transfigure Severus's clothes to the dull grey Azkaban garb.

"I understand," Severus said, seeing Ronald swallow hard. "Remember this, Weasley. If you want to kill someone do not use an unforgivable."

"Kingsley is trying to …"

"How long?"

Ronald toed the dirt path, not able to look up. "They aren't setting a term."

"I understand, life then," Severus said flatly. "I suggest we leave at once. The sea can be rather unpredictable after the tide."

"I am afraid you don't even … I have a portkey."

"I see." Severus held out his hand and accepted the small coin that would take him to prison. "May I be so bold as to ask you to do something for me?"

"Sure," Ronald swallowed hard again.

"Tell Hermione that I…" he started, then stopped as his voice cracked. "Her research is at a dead end. I have left my notes in Potter's old house. Perhaps she will find them useful. I attempted to help her once, but Hermione hears what she expects to hear, and was unreceptive at the time."

"Is that all?" Ronald asked.

"Tell her," he stammered, remembering the first time she had come to him. "Tell her, I too was pleased."

"That's it?"

"Yes, Mr. Weasley, that will be sufficient. Now if we could do this before I freeze my arse off I would appreciate it" He held out his hand as Ronald tapped the coin with his wand, sending him to Azkaban.


	39. Plots and Plans

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 39**

**Plots and Plans**

* * *

Neville had gone to London to catch Hermione up on what was happening as soon as the Aurors had returned to the Ministry. He tried to convince her to floo with him to Hogwarts, knowing that Snape may only have a couple of hours to put his affairs in order. She refused, sure that Severus would be taken to the Ministry and then released when Lucius' deeds were brought to light, and told Neville where she kept the research papers she and Severus had put together. Research that now made it clear what Lucius had planned from the beginning. Although she was saddened to think of the small graveside gathering, she did not want to turn the funeral into a place to air their problems in front of the other guests.

She had been surprised to receive a howler not an hour after Neville left, from of all people, Augusta Longbottom, derailing her for _'leaving your husband's side when he has the greatest need_." Without a wand, she was reduced to swatting at it with a rolled up newspaper. Still unable to reach it, as it easily avoided her by whizzing around the room just out of reach, she grabbed a broom and chased it around the kitchen and into the sitting room where Ronald had just stepped out of the floo and stood staring at her.

"Umm, Hermione?"

"Augusta's idea." She stood on the coffee table, and batted at the Howler as it began to repeat its message. "I could use some help here."

Ronald grinned and shoved the chair closer to the table, giving her a higher vantage point and laughed when she climbed on top of it, and from there moved to walk across the sofa, all the while swiping at the Howler. He finally relented, and levelled his wand, reducing it to a shower of confetti as it fell to the floor.

"Thanks, you could have done that at the beginning you do know," she muttered as she tried to step off the sofa with some dignity. "If you are here to tell me how wrong I am you can shove off."

"No, I am here to tell you Snape is in Azkaban. There will be no trial."

"What?" She spun to look at him in horror. "No, he can't be. You don't understand what this will do to him. What did he do to deserve that? You heard wrongly … you must have. Go back and find out what happened and this time don't get it all buggered up."

"I … I sent him there myself not an hour ago." Ronald toed the carpet not wanting to meet her eyes. "He seemed to expect it. Like… he knew he wouldn't get a trial."

"What…?" she stammered. "Kingsley would make sure he gets treated fairly. No, you must be wrong."

"It was an Unforgivable. He used it when he killed Lucius."

"There's a mista…"

"No, Hermione, no mistake. He did it. He did it for certain and is not denying it." Ronald scowled and sat down heavily. "His wand was tested right there at the Manor and again just now."

"Malfoy," she spat. "They should give Severus a medal, not condemn him for killing that bloody piss ant. It was self-defence, tell them that. Can you get me in? I'll show them the notes."

"Right and you will be right there in Azkaban with him. The notes will show that you conspired with him. No, Hermione, it is better this way."

"Then… we have to push the self-defence. It was, right?"

"Not exactly, Hermione. It was wrong the way he went at it." Ronald said quietly. "There's no end to the sentence either."

"So, he just sits there and … and rots?"

"Hermione, sit down," he said as he watched her walk back and forth, waiting until she flopped down on the sofa and folded her arms.

"Now, tell me why you care so much. I have been told you are not only divorced, really divorced, this time, but it was you that left and snapped your wand in the process. In the courtroom, you didn't even look at him, and couldn't get away fast enough when it was over."

"That doesn't mean I am not worried about what happens to him, or that this is right. There are things you don't know about, things I'm not going into." She stood up and started pacing again. "I'm not saying it is his fault, I'm as much to blame as he is, maybe more. I shouldn't have pushed him so much. I know that now. And, yes, I should have been honest with him about the baby. But… it's too late, Ron. Much too late."

"Mum said…"

"Oh my gods, I hope to bloody hell you didn't run to her with my problems," she hissed. "I just can't do it anymore. I can't, and I won't walk on egg shells every time she is around, worried about saying the wrong thing. I know she means well, I know. Ron, he had the divorce papers made up and had signed them even before I lost the baby, even before any of this with Lucius and the trial started. So, this didn't just happen it has been coming for a while. He's been wanting it since before he even knew of the baby, I was just too stupid to see it."

"What now?"

"I don't know," she said nervously and chewed her lip. "It's hard. Every time I think of it I…it's just hard. I've never had someone not trust me… not…I need to move on."

"Kingsley said when they get a new Minister he will try to reopen the file on Snape, but right now he can't get much support for him."

"He will die in there, Ronald." She locked her eyes on his. "Tell Kingsley he will die in there because he wants to. He has nothing left and he will want to die."

"Hermione?"

"I can't help it," she cried, wiping her eyes. "Gods, Azkaban. I thought they would hold him until his trial. Maybe a few days, a week at the most … but…"

"Life, he got life." Ronald sighed and leaned back. "He said he left some research stuff for you."

"Research on what?"

"I don't know. Check the room he used to sleep in when the Order met here."

"Later. I have to … we have to think of something. Was there anything else?"

"Yeah, but I don't know what it means."

"And?"

"And … oh... something about being glad."

"Ronald," she sighed.

Ronald wrinkled his brow as he thought. "Tell her... _I too was glad_. I think that's right."

She felt her throat constrict and had difficulty puling air into her lungs. _Damn him_, she thought, as she felt her head begin to swim and her face wanted to crumble.

"Hermione? Is something wrong?"

"Wrong? You have to ask?"

"What can we do?"

"We… can work on this together. I want all the books you can find me on prisoner rights." She jumped up and searched the room until she found a quill and parchment in the desk drawer. "You once tried to teach me chess. I could never quite understand why a pawn never counted. Well, it counts now."

"Only the pieces…"

"A pawn can cross the board and become the most powerful piece in the game," she spat. "That's what those son-of-a-bitches are afraid of. He is almost across the board. Too many of those bloody judges still see him as one of Voldemort's, they know how powerful he his and they resent it. They resent the bloody hell out of it."

She quickly scribbled a list of what she needed to know. "First I have to get into see him. He needs to know he is not alone. Ron, he will give up … just as he did in … like before. He has to hold on."

"You still love him," Ronald said.

"I don't know. I honestly don't know." She looked up and met his eyes. "But it doesn't matter. Does it? We can't just walk away from him. Not now. Not when he is sitting up there rotting."

"What else do you need?" Ronald reached out and took up her hand. "If I am ever in trouble, I am glad I'll have you for a friend."

"That's the problem, Ron. Who else does he have? Minerva? She can't say much and keep her position, you know that. And she has to keep it or he won't have even that to come back to. Your father? He will lose his job if he becomes too vocal about the Ministry's policies. And for what? He can help with information, but other than that what? As for Kingsley, he is such a stickler for rules, he may try, but he won't cross that line if we need it."

Hermione let her eyes drift down to the confetti that littered the floor. "Tell Neville I need to see his grandmother. If anyone knows how to pull strings, it'll be her. And get Minerva. She needs to hold onto his position at Hogwarts. Don't you see? It's what they don't want. Once he has his Order of Delphi award he will be better than their pureblood arses. Him, a half-blood ex-death eater… he will be the most powerful wizard they know, and it scares the shite out of them."

"Minerva is already here. I'll talk to her about taking over the position again. She hasn't been gone that long, they should welcome her back."

"And get me books on wandless magic. Maybe … I want to know how Azkaban sets its wards."

"Oh no, not Snape. Hermione, you can't even think of it! I won't tell you what I know, except the wards were put on each stone as the tower was built. Even if you learn how to bring down one ward, there are thousands more. It cannot be done, if it could it would have been done long before now."

"There has to be a way. Fine, get me the books on the legal rights. That's it for now. Oh, and we'll need money, a lot more than I have. If not for a solicitor then to bribe the guards," she mused.

"I'll ask Harry," Ronald said quietly. "Don't look at me like that. I know we shouldn't, but where else would be ever get that kind of money."

"Snape would rather die in there than take anything from Potter."

"Only if he knows," Ronald said with a grin. "I won't tell if you don't."

"If I know Snape, and I do know Snape, he will demand a full accounting of every knut spent, where it came from and where it went. Cheap bastard. Make sure you get receipts. When he gets out he will demand every bit gets paid back."

"If. You mean if he gets out."

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.

Severus sat in the corner of the cell, wrapped in the only blanket he had. The cell he was in was like all the others. Against the wall, opposite the bars was a pallet, magiced to the floor and wall, unmovable and once covered with a blanket that now lay over his shoulders. In one corner was a hole in the floor, which he had been told was the loo, and a luxury as in most cells a can was used, emptied once a day by the guards. The ceiling was too low to allow him to stand straight, giving him a claustrophobic feeling, and making the already cold damp stones of the enclosure seem more like a cave than a prison cell. The first day he had measured off the area in his cell by walking and counting his steps. A mere four strides in depth and five in length.

He watched the walkway outside his door before automatically lifting his hand and wandlessly casting a warming spell. The magic crackled and fell in a small shower of green sparks that he could not understand. Even wards did not act this way. If the cells held wards against wandless magic, he should not be able to conjure even sparks. Something else was working here, there were wards he knew he could not break. He imagined years of wards, one placed upon the other as his finger traced the floor where the sparks had fallen, and felt neither heat nor magic. Pulling the blanket closer around him, he dropped his chin to his chest and waited. He did not know what he was waiting for, but he knew the feeling well.

.

.

Hermione could wait no longer. Severus had been in Azkaban nearly a week and still she could not get any information beyond what she already knew. Kingsley had tried to explain to her that the casting of an Unforgivable was just that, unforgivable in the eyes of the Wizengamot. He seemed equally as frustrated as she was, but was unable to offer much hope.

What surprised her the most, was Minerva's visit and the knowledge that he had left a bag of gold to insure Hermione had the money for a solicitor if his accounts were closed, thinking she may need to protect herself against prosecution. Hermione had taken the galleons, knowing that she would need the funds if she ever hoped to gain his freedom, only a quick trip to his solicitor dashed her hopes.

During the days, Hermione filed out applications and scoured through the advert section of the paper for employment. She was pleased to see that the economy seemed to be on an upswing, making more jobs available, but at the same time found her Muggle Skills sorely lacking. As she filled out applications, her hand would pause over the section on education, unable to think of a way to fill in what she knew a potential employer could easily check.

Once again, Minerva stepped in to help her. Using her contacts in the Muggle world, she found a way to have records manufactured and a new educational history created. Along with the transcript of grades and awards from a local school, Minerva sent a list of squibs that lived in London and suggested that Hermione work with them if she found herself in need. The first on the list was a professor, a Dr. Gramm, at the local University.

After meeting with him, and showing him the scores she had received on her N.E.W.T. exams, Hermione found herself enrolled for the coming term. Although he cautioned her that she would find it hard and almost impossible to keep up. He then suggested that she use the time between now and the start of term to become familiar with computers. She left feeling flushed and excited to be starting over until she remembered why she was here, and where Severus now lived.

At night, she would sit on the floor of the old House of Black, surrounded by books and pages of amendments to current laws, fighting through the maze of legalese that seemed intent on confusing instead of helping. She would glance over her shoulder quite often, hearing the noises of the old house around her, the creaking of the floorboards, or the drip of the kitchen tap. Wanting to pull a wand and set the lamps ablaze, she forced herself to sit and return to her reading, unable to concentrate as new fears replaced the old.

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.

Severus lay on his cot, staring up at the ceiling as he had done each day for the last two weeks. He concentrated on the uses of dragon blood, silently reciting each use and recalling each potion that contained it. He remembered how Slughorn had taught the subject, and thought of his own lessons, seeing a young bushy haired girl flaying her hand in the air demanding his attention.

He sat up suddenly, swinging his legs over the edge of the cot, and putting his head in his hands, rubbed his face, feeling his unshaved chin. _Fuck_, he thought. He had once imagined what it would be like to be thrown into Azkaban. As a youth, he had found it the most dreadful thing he could imagine. If a boggart had crossed his path, he knew he would have seen the black tower standing in the North Sea. He had imagined he would fight against the bars, demanding proudly to be free, and that his Dark Lord would rush to free his minions and his ordeal would be over.

Now, he knew those fears were groundless, as well as any reprieve. The true fear of Azkaban was the mindless solitude, the stripping of humanity, and the quiet days, each the same as that which had gone before. Dementors were not needed here. They were only a means to a quicker end. _Perhaps the Ministry had been correct,_ he thought, "_Perhaps there had been true humanity in their use_."

.

.

.

Hermione looked up startled as the floo activated and instinctively reached for her wand, letting out a sigh of relief to see Neville with Augusta on his arm.

"Neville!" she cried out, jumping up and hugging him. "I'm so glad you stopped in."

"You shouldn't be in this place all alone young lady," Augusta frowned at her. "It's not safe. I don't care how much cleaning out that Weasley witch did. You can't get rid of years of Blacks that easily."

"Gran, it is perfectly safe." Neville muttered, leading the old witch to a seat. "Sorry, Hermione."

"It's okay," Hermione sighed. "I do get a little spooked sometimes and I think the cellar has doxies."

"We need to talk." Augusta pulled off the cloak and looked around the mess on the floor. "You young lady need to learn to keep a better house. I am sure there are ample rooms for an office."

"Umm, yes, Madam." Hermione began to pick up her books and parchments that lay on the floor. "I don't like sitting up there by myself."

"Neville, you go, start at the top and recheck the wards. Each and every window now, and don't stop until you are in the cellar. Pay extra attention to her bedroom door, and pick a room for an office to ward as well."

"Yes, Gran." Neville winked at Hermione. "It's not a bad idea. There have been some break-ins around this neighbourhood. Even Muggles can get in if we don't keep up the cloaking spells and wards."

"Now," Augusta said as Neville started up the steps. "Tell me what you have found so far."

"Not much really. A solicitor will not take the … the case… because there really is no trial, or defence. I am working on the definition of Unforgivable. It lists the Avada Kedavra as an Unforgiveable, but as an example only, not as a curse expressly forbidden. It says, if I remember correctly…"

"Unforgivables, such as …, I know. You have to go further back. Don't you dear?"

"Yes, I still cannot find where it says explicitly that it is forbidden. If I can find it, there may be something in the wording itself that will open a case for self-defence. Harry was once charged with using underage magic, but he got off because of just such a clause. I think an argument could be made that would expand the normal meaning to include what Severus saw down in that dungeon. I just can't seem to find what should be obvious."

"Seems to me, I remember a little mishap at the Ministry that involved my grandson." Augusta raised her eyebrow and looked at Hermione coldly. "There was a lot of talk at the time that records were destroyed. You may have a hard time finding what you want. It is your fault you know."

"My fault?"

"Yes, you and that Potter boy." Augusta glanced around the room. "Now fetch an old lady a cup of tea and we will start. I have some ideas of my own."


	40. The Visit

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 40**

**The Visit**

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Hermione clutched a parchment to her chest as she held onto the boat's railing with her free hand. The tower of Azkaban loomed in front of her, its top in the clouds as the icy waters of the North Sea crashed at its feet. She had seen only seen one picture of his unholy place, and could not stop from craning her neck as she tried to see the top of the imposing structure, expecting to see Dementors loom into sight. She had never seen it from below, and never in the light of day. Now she swallowed hard and wondered how she had been so foolish at to think she could free him.

"They gone now Lassie," the boatman spat a wad of tobacco juice over the side of the boat. "Ain't been no Dementors 'ere fer a long time now. Nope, not sure where they put 'em, but they ain't 'ere."

"I am sorry," Hermione said. "But … how long have you been here?"

"Always been 'ere. My Da before me, and me son after me. We McKenzies seen it all."

"Mr. McKenzie is it?"

"Yep, an 'oo you be Lassie? Other than 'ermione Granger that I've seen in the papers. Who you be that you are up to this forsaken place?"

"I need to see someone."

"Hope you have more gold than you look like you 'ave." He let his eyes travel down over her Muggle jeans and jumper. "Wouldn't be Snape now would it?"

"I have the right to be here. I read the regulations and it says every new prisoner has the right to no less than six visits from his councillor."

"You a solicitor?"

"No, his councillor. I don't need anything more than the willingness to help him navigate the legal system." She grinned, as she remembered Augusta saying that this was the same clause she had used. The title of councillor had enabled her to work with Severus before his first trial, giving her the right to take care of his legal rights, including his marriage.

"Works better with gold."

Hermione turned back to the tower that seemed further away than last time. "I don't see the dock from here."

"Two there are. One near the steps, to the open door cells and one fer the inside."

Hermione looked again at the tower. "I thought all the cells had a door to the outside."

"Nope, only for 'em with not enough mind left to try and run off. The others are inside."

"He will be inside." Hermione said flatly. "He will be out of here long before they… long before he has a door to the outside."

They rode the rest of the way in silence. Hermione standing in the bow watching as the tower grew larger, until it blocked out the sun and left the boat in dark shadow. She had been surprised at the size of the boat they had sent for just one passenger but now as the rough sea tossed it about she understood why. The closer they came to the rocky shore, and the shallower the water, the fiercer the waves and rocking became.

Mr. McKenzie held on to the wheel as he spun the boat to the landing area, letting the starboard side slide expertly into the dock and then jumped to the wooden planking and tied off. He held out his hand to Hermione helping her jump onto the wooden walkway.

"You start up that way girly. They know you're 'ere. Careful now, right slippery it is."

"Thank you, Mr. McKenzie." She bit her lip and hugged the parchment tighter.

"Chad," he grinned. "Names Charles but I go by Chad."

"Thanks, Chad." She smiled warmly at him. "Call me Hermione. Miss Granger seems sort of out of place here."

"'ermione." He smiled back. "Now I'll be right 'ere when you're done. Don't get many visitors no more."

Hermione frowned. "Why is that?"

"During the war, when Voldemort was in charge of the Ministry, didn't take 'as much to be tossed in 'ere. Many, I'd say most, were innocent with families coming to visit and sit with them. Nowadays, those that are 'ere belong 'ere. That kind don't get many visiting."

"Not all belong here," she muttered. "I don't know how long…"

"No matter. I'm on what's called an 'as needed basis.' So don't matter if it's an 'our or a day. I gets paid the same."

Hermione began up the walkway, and then picked her way carefully over the boulders and rocks when the dock ended. Hearing a voice call out to her, she looked up to see the guard waiting for her.

"You must be here for Snape."

"Yes, sir. I was not sure if you received my owl as I did not receive a response." She continued her slow climb over the large boulders until she was standing on the pavement with him.

"He's not on the list."

"What list?"

"He can't have visitors until his name is on the list."

"Why didn't you tell me when I owled you?" She said incredulously.

"You didn't ask," he said with a grin.

"It says nothing about a list." She thrust the parchment at him. "That is a recent ruling concerning the rights of new prisoners. I am here to work in the capacity of councillor."

"He doesn't need a councillor, he needs a Dementor."

"That is not up to you." She narrowed her eyes as she glared at him. "Now, I know there is a visitor's room. You may show me the way and then bring Pro…Mr. Snape down to see me at once."

"It may take a while." He folded his arms over his chest and raked his eyes over her body. "You do know you will be watched as long as you are in a room with him. So if this is for more than talk you may as well forget it, that or be prepared for a little… voyeurism. Course, we could just forget him and use that room ourselves."

"Bugger off, Romeo," she hissed. "If I wanted to fuck someone I wouldn't have spent two days getting here. Now take me to that room, or to his cell. I need to talk to him and I don't give a rat's arse who watches."

She followed him to the tower's door, and taking a deep breath stepped in behind him, pausing to let her eyes adjust to the dim lights.

"Wait here," he snarled at her. "Hey, Boris, watch this one. She is that visitor we were expecting. Get her wand and throw her in the Family Room."

"I don't have a wand," Hermione said flatly, as her eyes grew accustomed to the light. "This place is filthy."

"Is it now?" The man named Boris leaned back in his chair, lifting his feet up and setting them on the small desk. "Maybe you would like to clean it up? No? Thought not. Now hand over that wand or you don't go any further."

"I told you," she hissed. "I don't have a wand. I don't use one anymore."

"You do wandless?"

"No," she sighed. "Listen. I left the Wizarding world and only came back to see Severus Snape. As his councillor it is my right."

"I need to search you," he leered, sliding his feet off the desk and standing. "We can do it here or in the back."

"Pig," she spat. "You will do no such thing. If you are so stupid as not to know the charm to search for wands I will be glad to give it to you, but you touch me and you will be wearing your nose…"

"Boris!" An Auror barked out harshly as he walked into the reception area scowling at him. "This is Miss Granger."

"Don't care who she is, she gets searched or she…"

"Shut up," the Auror said tiredly. "I am sorry Miss Granger. We have not been able to get full cooperation from many of the old staff members. We are working on it, but old ways die hard."

Boris grumbled and left, complaining that he needed to find a supervisor as the Auror rolled his eyes.

"Try harder," Hermione glared at him.

"Names Fillmore, Jake Fillmore. Now, you are here to see Snape?"

"Yes, as I stated in my letter."

"He has been here for 27 days, I guess we could make an exception, but the prisoners are normally not allowed outside contact for the first month."

"I would appreciate that." Hermione sighed in relief.

"I will take you to the family room." He stood and frowned at her. "You have to understand that Boris is not an exception here. We only have six Aurors on duty at any given time and only one of those six is female. She is up on the sixth level. The rest of the staff were here under Voldemort's reign and still think the way to deal with people is through beatings and … well other things."

"Why not replace them?"

"Right." He raked his hand though his hair. "Good wizards are just fighting for the jobs. In case you didn't notice on the way in, it is not a glamorous place to live. Anyway, once I get you to the family room I will lock and ward you in. Don't worry, only the Aurors have the key and you will be quite safe. I just want you to understand what this place is like."

"I understand," she said meekly, mustering a smile.

"Once we leave this room you talk to no one. Not guards and not prisoners. Do you understand?"

"Yes?"

"Good, follow me."

Jake opened the door between the reception area and the main prison. Hermione stepped in after him, again having difficultly seeing. She was hit in the face by the stench of bodily waste, rotten food and mildew. With a gasp, she covered her lower face with her hands and looked wildly around, unable to see more than the stone walls on either side of her.

"The smell is worse when the wind comes in from the west." Jack tossed over his shoulder as she hurried after him. "It's the old sewage pipes. We're trying to fix the place up a little at a time. Should have been here right after the war, it was really bad. Can't imagine what it was like back with the Dementors buzzing around."

"It is bad," Hermione said into her hands. "Is the whole place like this?"

"The hallways and cells get the worse of it. We keep the staff rooms pretty well filtered."

"All the cells?" She thought of Severus sitting in this stench every day and felt her eyes well with tears.

"Those on the inside. It's a toss up. Inside is warmer in the winter, but they have to put up with the smell. After a while you get used to it."

"Never," she said tearfully. "I need to get him out of here. Please, I need to…"

"Hey now, you want to go back right now?"

"No, no I need to see him."

"Here," he said, opening the door to the family room. "Remember, you are locked in and safe here."

"Right." She looked at the family room with disgust as the door closed, and locked and warded behind her. Letting her hands fall from her face she was glad the smell had almost gone.

The waiting room consisted of a table and two chairs chained to the floor in the centre of the room. A third chair, also chained, and positioned at the door, was for what Hermione knew to be the observer. Crossing to the table, she was not surprised to see it covered with a layer of dust.

She decided to stand instead of sitting on one of the filthy chairs and cursed herself for not wearing a watch. Wrapping her arms around her waist she sought something to look at that was not dirty or damp. Sirius Black's face hovered at the corners of her mind as she thought of what Severus was going through. She had known Sirius, and had heard Bellatrix's laugh after she had been driven insane after spending too long inside this tower, she squeezed her eyes shut and said a prayer to the god she had worshiped as a chid, that Severus would be freed.

.

.

"Snape!"

Severus lifted his head slowly to look at the Auror at the bars of his cell, giving no response to this name.

"You have a visitor. A Miss Granger, says she is here as your councillor. You will have ten minutes with her."

"No."

"Didn't you hear me man? You get ten minutes out of this hole. That alone should be worth your effort."

Severus pulled his blanket tighter against the cold and damp. "I am quite comfortable where I am."

"Listen, Snape. Half the men in this damned place would kill for this chance, the other half are too crazy to know. What do you say?"

"I, sir, have killed to be in this place once already. Now leave me."

"You won't get another visitor for at least a month. You may as well take advantage of this one. She's right easy on the eyes, she is."

Jake waited for a response before trying again, and then finally headed back to the family room to send Hermione home.

Severus watched him leave, laid his head back against the wall, and contemplated what he had heard. He knew that no visitors were allowed for one month. He thought, then that a month had passed. A month, he thought and shook his head. Only a month. He chuckled aloud and wondered if it would be better not to think of the passing of time, or if it would hurry his mind to fail.

He was, thankfully, tired most of the time, and ready to fall asleep. The smells and sounds kept him awake but even if it had been quiet, he knew he would not have been able to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her, every time he thought of something other than this hell he was in, it was of her. He had tried to discipline his mind not to think of her, not to see her wand as it had lain broken on his desk, not to see her in the darkness, or feel her touch in dreams.

Now he began to rebuild the walls that would keep her out. Lowering his head, he took a deep breath and thought it better this way. Better to have her return to London without seeing him. Better, for her to move on with her life as she had planned. Better than wasting her time on a wizard that would die in Azkaban. Better not to count time in days or months, which would turn to years.

.

.

.

"What do you mean he said no?" Hermione looked at Jake incredulously. "You must have made a mistake. Check his cell number again."

He leaned on the edge of the table, folded his arms and chuckled at her. "I am quite sure I got it right. Nasty fellow. I remember him from Hogwarts, I am sure I got it right."

"If you know him, then you know he would never pass by the opportunity to tell me to shove off himself. So, go ask him…no tell him… you go tell him Miss Granger is here."

"I did, he said no."

"Make him, you are the bloody Auror, drag him down here."

"Miss Granger, you are not going to like what I am about to tell you, but you will listen, because until you do I am not opening that door." He frowned at her and waited until she brushed off the dust from one of the chairs and flopped down in it.

"The sooner he knows he can't get out of here the better off he is. A prisoner like Snape, one in here for an unforgivable, can't count off his time. He will be here for years. If he is healthy, he is looking at maybe sixty years. More if he drinks his vial. Do you have any idea what that can do to a man like Snape? Let him go. Let him give up."

"He… he won't give up," she said, knowing as she uttered the words it was not what she believed, not what she knew would happen.

"Oh, but he will. Sooner or later they all do. He is not a stupid man. He knows what is ahead of him. I would lay money on it that he withdraws sooner than most do…the smart ones always do. It's not really giving up, but … going away."


	41. The Price of Water

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 41**

**The Price of Water**

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Hermione made it home on the noon train and finding a long line of taxis waiting just outside of Victoria Station, decided to treat herself to a more comfortable way home. She was too exhausted to cook and did not want to think about shopping for groceries. Asking the driver for the time, she decided to have lunch on the way. Getting out of the taxi and walking the last three streets she went into the Leaky Cauldron hoping it would not be crowded.

"Hermione," Hannah squealed and ran to give her a hug. "I was hoping you wouldn't stay away. Look!"

Hermione saw the engagement ring sparkling on Hannah's finger and pulled her into another hug. "Finally! I didn't think that poor boy would ever build up his courage."

"_You_ didn't think he would? I had given up. I asked him."

"You didn't," Hermione giggled.

Hannah draped her arm around Hermione's shoulder and led her to a table. "Yup, and didn't that git have a ring in his pocket all the time. He said he had been carrying it around for almost a year."

"How is Augusta taking it?" Hermione laughed as she sat down with Hannah, thinking that Neville's grandmother would already have the wedding planned.

"She isn't really that bad," Hannah said quietly. "It's strange. She always…I don't know, she just never seemed to like me much, but once Neville told her she was thrilled. I think she thought I was … going to hurt him. You know? As if after all this time he didn't mean anything to me. That I was going to walk out on him or something."

"Yeah, I can see her point. With everyone he knows gone… oh Hannah, I am so happy for you," Hermione looked away as she felt her eyes tear up. "Gods, I'm crying because you are getting married! I'm turning into my mother!"

"How is she? Do you hear anything?"

"No," Hermione said quickly, still finding it hard to talk about personal things in her life. "I am starving, but I don't have any galleons on me, do they still take Muggle money?"

"Sure." Hannah looked over her shoulder quickly. "Listen, don't tell anyone, but I finally got my parents insurance and the estate settled. I am trying to buy this place. Neville says he can commute if I really want to … and…"

"Will they let him?"

"I don't see why not. Travel is easier now. All the floos are back on the network, and with the restrictions gone I can buy supplies from who I want, not just the pureblood suppliers. We won't get rich, but it's a good living and I like it here. "

"Yeah, well not all travel is easier. I have just spent two days coming back from Azkaban. Travelling as a Muggle is no fun and I forgot how expensive it can be."

"Snape?"

"He wouldn't even see me. Two days to get there, a day sitting in … gods, Hannah, it is worse than all the horror stories we heard. The Ministry claimed they had made improvements after the war. If they did, I can't even imagine what it must have been like then. Anyway, after all that he wouldn't even give me the time of day."

"Now what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Try again next month if I can get the time off work… well I have to find something first but there are a few positions open I have interviews set up with. If I get the one I want, it's at the historical library. I'll have to start at once."

"That's close. You can run in for lunch."

"I may need to," Hermione sniggered. "My cooking skills are a little lacking."

"I have to get back to work, but you keep in touch. Neville is worried about you and you know you can use the floo anytime you want."

"Thanks, but I left this world and don't plan to come running back if things get too hard. Listen, come over Saturday, we can have tea. Tell Neville how happy I am for both of you," Hermione said.

"Deal," Hannah promised. "I'll grab you a plate and a pot of tea, you look like you could use it."

.

.

.

Hermione made it home and flopped on the bed. Pulling the blanket around her, she soon drifted off to sleep, dreaming of trains and Azkaban. She woke late at night and after fixing cup of tea, she paused and dumped it in the sink. Picking up the tin, she examined the box and felt foolish for worrying about where it came from. Yanking open the cupboards she looked for something not purchased at the shops in Diagon, and finding nothing, settled for a glass of water.

"Paranoid idiot," she said aloud.

Climbing the stairs, thinking of heading back to bed she stopped before going into the second floor bedroom, and looked up at the third floor. She had not looked at the journals Severus had left. As soon as Ronald had told her about the developments, she had put all her time and energy into freeing Severus. Now, she remembered what he had told her and padded up the stairs to his old room to see what he had left.

Over twenty journals lay neatly stacked on the bed, each numbered in his precise hand, each labelled with contents and year. She puzzled at one, set aside from the others, and wondered why if he had completed his research he had supplied her with all his notes and not just the results. She picked up the one journal and flipped it open, reading the inscription on the inside of the front cover.

_Hermione:_

_This journal contains my own findings in an endeavour to overturn the spell under which you placed you parents. If my research it correct what you seek is impossible. For this, I am deeply sorry. _

_However, in the event you are able to discover some avenue I have overlooked, I offer you my own failed attempts in the hopes of saving you from wasting your time as have I. _

_Your Husband_

Hermione swallowed hard, and traced the last two words with her finger. He had obviously done this before their troubles started. She squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden rush of tears, and took deep breaths until she could trust herself to look at the journals again. She ran her eyes over the spines of the books and saw that they contained much of the same information and paths she had taken. Sitting down on the bed heavily she again opened the last journal and began to read, not stopping until she turned the last page. Feeling tears slide down her face she laid down on her side, hugging the journal to her chest, sobbing to see it so clearly laid out, so well defined, that her parents would never be hers again.

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"Minerva?" Hermione peeked into the Headmistresses office. "Am I intruding?"

"You could never intrude my dear." Minerva rose to give Hermione a hug and lead her to a chair. "Tell me, how is he."

"Being a git. He wouldn't even let me talk to him."

"My, that does not sound like…"

"That sounds exactly like him," Hermione let out a snort. "I am sorry to bother you with this, but…I need to get home. I came all the way up here to collect my personal belongings, only now I have missed the last train. If I may take the floo to the Leaky Cauldron I can get home from there."

"It would be easier to let me take you to purchase a new wand."

"No, I need help to leave, not to come back and keeping a wand would just keep me tied to this place. I need a clean break. I tried the greenhouses but it appears I have already missed Neville."

"Of course you may. I will shrink your boxes for you and put a time limit on the charm, say...10 in the morning? Do, however, remember to remove them from your pockets by that time."

"That would be wonderful, thank you."

"Hermione, you need to reconsider your actions. You belong here."

"No, I did… but not now. Remember me? I was only ever one of the three. I was the student that hid in the library and liked books more than people. I never belonged in this world beyond the walls of Hogwarts, not really. I need to go home and learn to live."

"You fought for this world, it is every bit as much yours as mine."

"No, I fought for…Harry, and for Ron. I fought because I was dragged into it. It was exciting for a teenager but I didn't know what war really was, or what the cost could be." She stood and walked to the door. "If you could shrink those boxes now I have them ready."

"You've changed, Hermione. The girl I knew wouldn't run away."

"I am not running away, Minerva. I am running to something… I am saving _myself _this time. If I stay here, it will be too easy to just slip back and disappear in books again. I want a life, a life I have charge over and that I control. Until I do I can never even consider coming back here."

"And Severus?"

Hermione felt the sting of tears and quickly blinked them away. "I will do what I can to … to help him get a trial because I feel I owe it to him. But, that's it. Whatever I hoped was there is gone and I am not sure I would even take it back if it were offered."

Minerva followed Hermione to her old chambers and did as she promised, shrinking the packages and waiting until Hermione had tucked them in her pockets. Then, walking her to the floo she pulled her into a hug.

"When you are ready to come back just let me know."

"Minerva, I've been meaning to ask about Millie. Severus' elf? Where is she?"

"Ah, Millie," Minerva said sadly. "The last morning of Severus' plan she went to the Malfoy Manor, thinking she could help. Foolish of her, indeed. However, not completely a surprise when you consider how long she has looked after him."

"Was she hurt?"

"No, however, she could not help her master, and in that, she finds guilt, and is imposing her own self-punishment as it seems you are. She has locked herself in Spinner's End and is cleaning."

"She should be told to come back," Hermione tried to grin, ignoring Minerva's barb. "She is loyal to him. If only more humans were."

"I am afraid as long as he is in Azkaban she will remain at Spinner's End," Minerva shook her head. "So now there are two that could use saving."

Hermione stepped into the fireplace and waited while Minerva threw down the powder and called out the destination.

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.

Hermione secured the job at the historical library on a part time basis, and was thrilled that her main duty was cataloguing and posting to the on-line data bank, enabling a full listing of the books to show on-line. Spending several nights reading books on the operation of computers she knew she would not become proficient without practice, and to practice she needed her own laptop.

The Blacks' house was not on the electrical grid, and to make it so would be a major undertaking of not only breaking the wards that kept it hidden, but wiring the entire building. Hermione giggled as she thought of workers daring to transverse the halls of Grimmauld Place, stringing electrical wires as the doxies whizzed around their heads. _No_, she thought, _it is time to find a flat._

She chewed her lip as she considered how she could move everything she had acquired. No longer able to shrink boxes, or easily floo, and no longer able to Apparate it would be much harder. Thinking of Millie and the ease of the last move, she shook her head and considered Muggle movers but quickly dismissed them as a possibility. She could not have them enter this house to collect her belongings.

Once again, she relied on the list of squib names Minerva had supplied her and found someone who lived close by. Making a mental note to contact him the next morning she sighed and hoped he would be able to help. Grabbing her jumper, she headed out to find an Estate Agent.

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Severus sat on the floor of his cell, the damp coldness no longer bothering him as he pulled the tray towards him, examining the daily allotment with disgust. The tray held a full day's food, not prepared meals or hot steaming plates. He had learned that what appeared to be an adequate lunch was to be spread out until the next tray arrived. Now, he looked at the slabs of bread, hunks of cheese and the daily tomatoes as grotesque reminders of where he was.

A small vial sat on the tray, a nutrient potion, one intended to make up for what the daily tray lacked. Pushing it away, he climbed back to the pallet and lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. If he had counted correctly, he would soon have completed his second month in confinement. He snorted out a laugh and wondered why he counted the days at all.

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.

Hermione had worked out a schedule with her supervisor that would allow her to take off the two days before, and the two days after the first Saturday of every month. Explaining that her mother was hospitalized in Scotland, and that she needed the time to visit, she had been surprised how easy it had been. Since her job did not entail working with the public, as long as she completed her work she would be free to go.

Sitting in the Family Room for the fourth month in a row, she was again told he would not see her.

"Listen, Miss Granger," Jake sighed. "We can't force him. It is the only thing he still has control of."

"Fuck that," she stormed. "You have control over his life… get him down here!"

"Can't do that, you should know the rules, you shove them in my face every time you come."

"I know," she said exasperated. "Okay, so what can I do?"

"Wait for him to break down. However, I don't think he will."

"How… how is he?"

"He's not eating. Or rather he is very selective about what he eats."

"He is … particular."

"No, not that," Jake grinned. "Rather … he refuses to take his nutrient vial, and won't touch any of the proteins we give him, or anything high in carbohydrates."

"He plans on starving himself," she said flatly.

"Yes." Jake nodded and sat on the edge of the table, frowning down at her. "We are used to it. I must say we usually don't see it this soon. The inmates usually don't try this for years. That's what I tried to tell you the first time you were here. He is already starting."

"What can you do about it?"

"We will force feed him if we have to. Unfortunately, we have to wait until he cannot refuse our intervention."

"What else?"

"We don't have much interaction with our prisoners, Miss Granger. As I said there are only six of us, it is all we can do to make sure they get their daily trays."

"I've been reading about the rules here," she said softly. "Showers aren't allowed. The rule book said they only get enough water to bathe in once a month."

"Yes," Jake nodded. "Again, we have too many prisoners and not enough help. In addition fresh water has to be hauled in from the mainland. It is not a spa, Miss Granger."

"I could pay," Hermione reached in her pocket and pulled out a small bag of gold.

"I don't do that, Miss Granger." He stood up and looked down at her coldly. "We work hard to make sure the guards don't accept bribes. I know the general public thinks we still work that way."

"It's…it's not a bribe, not really… I will pay extra… for someone to take him clean water once a day…once a week even… sort of … over time, an extra income."

"It is time you left, Miss Granger."

"No! You don't understand how he is! He is proud, too proud maybe. He would never ask for himself, please… just clean water."

"One trait our inmates share is pride, Miss Granger. It is what got many of them in here in the first place. I have looked up Snape's case file, and from what I see, he belongs right where he is. No, don't say a word," he put up his hand to silence her, "I don't agree on the term, but an Unforgivable is just that. When I read the particulars I am inclined to believe that life was too harsh, but it is not my place to determine how long they are with us. However, you need to understand that he will be treated no better and no worse than our other inmates."

"Who could change it? Who? I have spoken to every one I can think of…everyone."

"Not every one," he said with a smirk. "I know you left this world, perhaps you could start in the world you are in now."

"I don't understand."

"Severus Snape fought for more than just our world, Miss Granger. I am sure the Prime Minister is quite aware of what happened."

Hermione looked at him blankly. "You…you think he knows of him?"

"No." Jake shook his head. "The Prime Minister would know what happened, but not by whom. It would be your job to inform him."

Hermione threw her arms around his neck, smiling widely, and then pulled away and saw the puzzled look on his face. "I hug. It gets me in trouble but I hug. Get used to it because I plan on sitting up here until that git sees me."

"I see that," Jake said with a laugh.

"Thank you," she said, gathering up her belongings. "I am leaving the gold. Do with it what you want. Throw it in the sea, I don't care."

"I want to get that bloody sewage pipe fixed," Jack said, eyeing the bag.

"How much would that cost?" Hermione thought even that would better Severus' plight.

"About a thousand galleons."

"There is five hundred there," she nodded to the bag, "I'll bring the rest next month. Perhaps you could ask one of the guards about the water?"

"No, I won't set him above my other prisoners and if you ask again I will throw it in the sea and you with it. So, are you really coming back?"

"Oh yes, I don't give up easily."

"I see that," Jack snorted as she walked to the door, waiting for him to take her back to the boat.


	42. Abigail

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 42**

**Abigail**

* * *

Standing in the doorway Hermione did little more than point the way to the movers, watching as her few belongings were put into the proper room. Remembering how easy prior moves had been she scowled at the thought of doing it all by hand. Paying them, and adding something to the bill, she finally managed to assure them that all was where it should be and to leave.

As soon as they left, she changed clothes and headed for the business district, needing to settle the continued problem of her parent's house. She knew now it was foolish to hold onto it. What little hope she still held out, was now with the knowledge that even if the spell could be partially reversed, they would never fully recover their feelings for her. She would be little more than the memory of an old book, or movie they had seen.

Finding the office of her parent's solicitors, she had the fleeting memory of going to see Snape in preparation of his trial. Muttering about fools and their grandmothers, she yanked the door open and introduced herself to the receptionist.

Only an hour later she left, assured that her suggestion of making the current tenants an offer would work. They would put half of the rents already paid towards the purchase price, in effect lowering the cost and giving the hefty down payment, allowing for easier financing.

Hermione felt as if a burden had been taken off her shoulders. She had always had the niggling fear that if the tenants left, she would once again have to take over the payments, and although she was now working and had managed to save a little from her Hogwarts salary, she was by no means in the position to pay a mortgage.

Walking back to the train she passed a shop's window and paused, pulled in by the display. An hour later, she left with a laptop and four cell phones. She smiled, thinking that not only was her Christmas shopping done, but also she would now be able to keep in touch with Harry, Ron, and Neville.

.

.

.

Hermione finished decorating the tree and took a step back to admire her work. It was the first time in years that she had strung electric lights and seeing them took her back in time. Shutting her eyes for only a moment, she headed for the kitchen to finish dinner. If she was going to have a houseful, she wanted everything to be perfect.

Harry and Ginny, each toting a child on their hips arrived first, followed shortly by Ronald and Lavender. Complimenting Hermione on the tree and glancing at each other nervously the four all reacted with a grin when another knock came to the door.

Hermione looked at them suspiciously as she opened the door for Neville and Hannah. As she stepped aside to let them inside, she saw Draco and Astoria behind them, with Draco toeing the floor and looking up at her from under his brow.

"Hi," he said with a grin. "Before you say anything it wasn't my idea."

Hermione nodded, and felt at a loss as to what to say, just standing with the door open staring at them.

"Okay," Draco said, "perhaps it was a bad idea. Okay, it _was _a bad idea."

"You think?" Hermione choked.

"We can leave," Astoria said, laying her hand on Draco's arm.

"No, come in. Please." Hermione stepped back, shooting Neville a glare.

"Everything smells wonderful," Ginny said, trying to take the attention off the doorway where Draco and Astoria stood uncomfortably.

"Thanks," Hermione muttered, then spun and shot Draco a look that made him swallow hard. "Okay, fine. We get this out in the open and then it is over and we don't talk about it for the rest of the night."

"Good idea," Astoria took off her coat and draped it over the back of a chair.

"When I look at you I see your father. I see what he has done, and see Severus sitting up in that hellhole they call a prison. I see what you…your father did to me in the dungeons, or at least what he tried to do. It's wrong. I know it's wrong, I know it wasn't you, but I can't look at you and not remember it and it sickens me."

"And I look at you and see the wife of the man that killed my father and put my mother in Azkaban as well. Do you think this is easy for me?"

"He was a fucking monster!" Hermione raged. "I know you had nothing to do with it. Then why can't I stop thinking that if you had just … just… I don't know. None of this should have happened."

"He was still my father!" Draco yelled back.

Hermione felt tears run down her face as she saw Draco's eyes blink back his own. Unable to stop, she ran and flung her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder.

"Well, then…," Ronald muttered, "that is interesting."

"Shut up, Ron," Hermione said with her face still buried in Draco's neck. "Draco? Will you and your wife please stay for dinner?"

"Thought you would never ask, Know-It-All," Draco said softly.

"Ferret," she returned. "Just take off those robes and try to look like a Muggle. That may make it easier."

The women set out the food on the table, then filling their plates they sat in the living room, Astoria having transfigured a small table for the children and cushions on the floor for the men to sit on. They talked late into the night, until Ginny laid the twins down on Hermione's bed and got them to sleep. Then Hermione gave Ginny the presents she had for them, to lay at the foot of their beds when they returned home.

"I have something for the two of you, but I want you to open it now," she grabbed the cell phones and hurried back into the living room. "Draco, if I had thought you would be here I would have gotten another one. These are great. I'll send you one."

She passed out the packages and watched as they opened the wrappings. Harry grinned widely while Neville and Ronald sat looking from the cell phones to Harry and back to the cell phones.

"I can't very well accept an owl, and I do want to keep in touch," she explained as she dug her own phone out and flipped it open, pressing the speed dial for Harry. "I spent all night reading how to use this. Your's each has a booklet in the box. Ron, Ginny can help you with it."

Harry grinned as his phone began to play a Christmas Carol and flipped it open, putting it to his ear and talking to Hermione.

"I'll be buggered," Ron gasped and looked at his phone. "I should get one of these for Dad."

"I am not sure it will work in the Wizarding world. I thought that since each of you are in London every day, all you have to do is step outside onto a Muggle street and it will be fine. One draw back, I only paid for the first month service, well two…you have to recharge it."

"The what?" Neville looked confused.

"It's okay, I'll explain it to them," Hannah laughed.

They heard tapping at the window and all turned to see a small brown barn owl.

"Shite, this is what I can't have," Hermione grumbled. "The landlord already thinks I am raising carrier pigeons. He warned me it was against the lease."

She lifted the window and yanked the parchment from around the bird's leg, pushing it away without a treat, thinking she could anger it into not coming back.

"Harry? It's for you from the Ministry."

"Harry? Not tonight." Ginny looked at him disapprovingly.

"It's that kid again," he looked up from the parchment. "Their Prime Minister wants it stopped. I have to leave for a little while…Neville?"

"Sure, I'll help her get the kids home."

"What kid?" Hermione asked.

"The one in the … do you read the Muggle papers?"

"No… well, not much."

"There is a special needs child, she…"

"Special needs? In what way?"

"She is blind and deaf. She is out of control and the staff where they keep her leaked a story to the papers that she is channelling the spirits or some such bunk. The papers are having a field day." Harry struggled into his robes, and leaned down, kissing Ginny on the cheek.

"Kept? Why is she here at all? If she is special needs with uncontrolled magic she should be in the Wizarding world.''

"Where, Hermione?" Ginny asked. "St. Mungo's?"

Neville nodded as he agreed with Ginny. "It's the only place they will put her. And since she is not of age to formally come, we can't even offer her medical treatment."

"Anyway," Harry sighed, "we are not sure she has enough magic to be accepted. It's hard to test her as she is. We can't very well take her and bring her back."

"So what does it have to do the Prime Minister?"

"He's afraid the whole thing could come undone," Ron said. "Think of the number of memory charms… we couldn't keep up."

"If the papers get a picture of her doing real magic they will have a hard time explaining her disappearance in five years. That is, if she gets her letter," Draco said. "Quite frankly, from what I see she won't make it."

"I have to go," Harry said as he walked to the door. "See ya at home, Gin."

Hermione looked at the door as it closed behind him. "Ron? Could you get me into see the Prime Minister? I've been trying to see him for six months now."

"Snape?" Hannah asked.

"Sort of," Hermione admitted.

"Astoria, we should be getting back as well, its getting late."

"You don't need to," Hermione said. "Not if it is to avoid talking about Snape."

"He is my godfather, Hermione. He was once the most important person in my life, but I cannot help with this. I'm sorry."

"I can." Astoria folded her arms and glared at him. "Get over it. Your father was a monster, she is right and you know it."

"Hermione, if you manage to get him a trial, I will speak for him. However, don't expect me to fight to get him released while my own mother sits up there."

"He doesn't believe his mother was capable of what they accused her of," Astoria explained, then stood up and grabbed her coat. "I am sorry, Hermione. Perhaps Draco is right, we really should be leaving."

"I understand," Hermione said. "Draco, when he gets out, and he will, he will explain it to you. Maybe you will be ready to hear it by then. Although after everything with Renee, I don't see how you can still think she is innocent."

"I think she is pregnant," Ginny said as soon as the door closed behind them.

Hermione rolled her eyes as Hannah giggled. "What?" Ginny smiled, "Didn't you see the way she kept putting her hand over her stomach and Draco kept rubbing her knee?"

"I just thought it was because of Hermione's cooking… umm, sorry." Ron reddened.

"I am serious about the Prime Minister, Ron. If I could just get to see him about the girl, and then happen to bring up Severus' case maybe I could…"

"Whoa girl, it doesn't work that way."

"Fine, then… tell him I am a witch, no a squib. Tell him I would be willing to work with her, teach her how to control herself."

"I think even the Prime Minister would recognize your name," Neville frowned. "If he looks into it to find out who Snape is and your name comes up it won't look good. He will think you were just using him."

"Not if she is someone else," Hannah added. "Maggie… you look like a Maggie."

"Yeah," Neville laughed. "And Patterson for my Gram's friend who pushes her nose into more than… umm…sorry. Weasley talk must be contagious."

Hermione laughed and shook her head, as Ronald swatted him with a throw pillow. "Maggie Patterson it is."

.

.

.

Hermione double-checked the address she was given against the one on the pillars beside the walkway, making sure this was the correct place. She had been told Abigail Chisholm was in a home for special needs children, not an institution with bars on the windows. She started up the path feeling unsure that she could do this, only having come this far she could not back down.

After reading several books on children with the same disabilities as Abigail had, and having learned a smattering of sign language she had felt prepared until she stood looking up at the red brick edifice in front of her. Suddenly she realized this was not about a research project, or getting Severus' name to the Prime Minister's ears, this was about raising a child until she could be accepted into the Wizarding world. The fleeting thought that if the girl's magic was not strong enough, she would have her for far longer than four years flashed into her mind as she took a deep breath to steady her nerves.

Her biggest disappointment was that the Prime Minister had not promised to use his influence and have Snape released at once. She had to be satisfied with his half-hearted agreement that he 'would look into the matter.' She had argued that without Severus, Muggle London would have seen far more attacks and pleaded with him to contact the Ministry of Magic for the list of Muggles killed and targeted by the Dark Lord. She had argued that he was born a British Citizen, raised by a Muggle father, fought for the rights of Muggles and it should be Muggle law that determined his guilt. Now it was up to her to take care of Abigail no matter how guilty she felt over the fact that she was using the child for her own gain.

The front door opened before she was at the top step, revealing an older woman in a grey uniform.

"Miss Patterson?"

"Yes," Hermione said primly.

"I hope you know what you are in for." The matron turned sharply waving Hermione to follow her. "She is packed and ready. I will warn you she is a handful."

Hermione followed her into a small room off the entrance foyer and caught her first look at Abigail. The child sat with her head tipped to the side, her chin up, as if sniffing the air. Her head turned towards the door as a frown covered her face.

"She can feel the footsteps and I swear she can smell who comes in." The matron said flatly. "We don't have the resources here to help her. We deal mostly in physical handicaps and I am afraid she just gets swept aside. She has a teacher that comes in, two hours a week, she should have double that every day."

"How far has her education gone?" Hermione stared at the curly-headed blonde girl, beginning to smile. "My hair was much like hers at that age. All frizz and curls."

"Education? None I must say. She dresses and feeds herself, and takes care of her daily hygiene. The only other thing we have managed is a few signs for when she has to use the loo and such."

"I thought the new idea was to force language on children with…"

"Yeah," the matron snorted. "She hasn't said a word but at least she can communicate with signs. It may not be the accepted way but we do not have the time, and she needs a way of talking. I am sorry, Miss Patterson, in an ideal world it would be different, but with our budget and the number of children we have, we just cannot do more. She has been kicked out of two day schools, I am sure you read about it in the papers. That is why it is good you are taking her, that and her…problems."

"Does she know she is leaving?" Hermione knelt down in front of the girl to get a good look at her.

"I think so, we tried to get it into her brain, but we are never sure if she understands." She sighed deeply. "We could only show her … just that she was leaving and not coming back. Miss Patterson, she does not have a big vocabulary, she can only sign a few things as I said."

Hermione took the girls hand and laid it over her own, as she spelled out her name. Abigail's free hand found Hermione's face and petted her cheek as she tipped her head forward, laying her forehead against Hermione's, her face alight.

"Well," the matron said softly. "I guess that settles it. You seem to have a friend. She doesn't take to many."

Hermione swallowed the lump that rose in her throat and took the child's hand in hers. "Is there anything I should know about her?"

"Her file is in her suitcase. I had the nurse on her ward copy her records. You know about the troubles we have with her?"

"Yes," Hermione said, feeling Abigail clutch her hand with both of her own. "She seems…unafraid of me."

"We have worked hard to assure her that no one will ever hurt her. As I said, we just never know how much she picks up. With a normal child we would have you visit a few times to get her used to you, but…if the papers find out she is leaving they will be camped out on the lawn. We thought this would be better. We call her Abby, although she just signs it with an A, the same as for the beginning of anything. If we want to take her to the clinic that is even a A, something new starting."

Hermione followed the matron to the door, where she signed the release form and formally became Abigail's guardian.

.

.

Severus no longer counted trays to mark the days passing. He no longer tried to rise from his bed to take the few steps to the bars, or try to pace in his cell. It was all he could do to sit up and pull the blanket around his shoulders as tremors racked his body.

"Well, now you have done it." He heard Albus' voice and turned his head to the darker corner, sneering at the old man's flowing blue robes. "Yes, yes, I know… I am not here. However, if I were, I would tell you to eat."

Severus shook his head and licked his lips nervously, looking out to the walkway to make sure no one stood watching him. "Be gone old man," he croaked.

"But I am not here," Albus said softly. "How can I leave if I am not here?"

Severus frowned and watched as Albus morphed into Renee, who stood with her hand on her hip glaring at him angrily. "I did not die for you to sit here and give up. I died so you and yours would be safe. Now get off your arse and do something. You have been in worse jams than this."

He scowled at her and nearly growled, wanting something to throw at her. "They buried you," he spat.

"You are not getting rid of me that easy," she laughed. "Tell Kingsley I am sorely disappointed in him."

"Tell him yourself."

"He is not the one that is soon to join me, now is he? You are a fool Snape, a fool to throw what you have away."

Severus rolled to his side, facing the wall, and shutting out his visions.

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Hermione sat across the kitchen table watching Abigail eat. _This will not do_, she thought, as she watched Abigail lightly run her hand over her plate to find what she wanted every time she dipped her fork. She had only had the girl a week, it seemed a month. So far, she had only managed to get the spoon away from her and introduce her to the fork, and convince her to close the door to the loo.

Her phone began its musical jingle and she smiled, knowing it would be Harry and reached into her pocket, flipped the cover open, and started talking.

"Harry, I need help. Sorry, … I'm glad you called. Now…I need help. I can't do this. I don't know what I am doing. I know I am mucking it up."

"What's wrong Kiddo? Motherhood not agreeing with you?"

"She is sweet, really she is. It's not her fault, it's me that is having problems. She sneaks out of her room and gets in my bed every night, and every time I leave the room, she makes these funny noises. I have to go to work tomorrow and I can't leave her in day care like this."

"She is what? Six? It's normal for little ones not to want their mothers out of their sight… only she is a little old… I think it is the whole arrested development thing."

"Great," Hermione sighed. "She likes Ginny. Will you ask her…?"

"She already plans on it. She'll be over before you have to leave. Listen, the reason I called. I just heard from Azkaban."

Hermione closed her eyes and fought to remain calm, thankful he could not see her face. "Really?"

"He's in the infirmary. They are force feeding him."

"Shite."

"Yeah, I know. He started to hallucinate. He's not doing good, Hermione. They let me see him."

"Where?" She jumped to her feet and began to pace. "I've tried eight times already and he…"

"Hey, now stop," Harry chided her. "I was there as an Auror. He didn't ask for me, and he didn't even know I was there."

"Sorry, talk to me…"

"He has lost a lot of weight. He… he is bad Hermione. He has given up."

"He hasn't given up you sod. If he had given up, he would be sitting in a corner sucking his thumb. He is killing himself. He knows damned well what the fuck he is doing. That dumb insufferable git! I go back in two weeks, can I see him?"

Harry laughed into the phone. "Hermione, one minute you are calling him names and the next…"

"Shut up, Harry. I am still his councillor. I get six visits."

"I think the score so far is Snape 8, Hermione Zero. He doesn't want to see you, Mione."

"He has to know I spoke to the Prime Minister. He promised he would do something. And it's Snape 11. It's been almost a year. I lied, eight sounds better. It is still in the single digits."

"I can try to get a message to him, but right now he … he doesn't understand much. They said it will be a couple of days."

"He will be dead soon Harry. He has to know something is being done. They caught it this time, but that just means he'll hide it better in the future."

"I know, but you are not the one to do it."

"I have to go now, Harry, but thanks for calling."

"Hermione, I could get him a message about the Prime Minister as soon as they release him, but I won't do it. Hermione, If I do that, what do we tell him if the Prime Minister does nothing? He should be out of the infirmary in a couple of days, as I said. I just wanted you to know, but if you fly off the handle and do something stupid I won't tell you anything else I find out."

Damned fool, she thought as she looked at Abigail and wondered about the monthly trip to Scotland. She couldn't leave her with Ginny, not for such a long time. Flopping down in her chair, she grabbed Abigail's hand and worried her lip, wondering what the sign for boat was.


	43. The Last Trip

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 43**

**The Last Trip**

* * *

Hermione walked home from the train station looking forward to her two days off for the first time since she had taken the position at the library. She wanted to see Abigail's face when she opened her first Braille book and began learning how to put the words together in a story. Although Hermione knew she could read the flash cards she had made, she was still unsure she really understood what was expected. Reaching her flat, she waited for the lift, which always seemed to be stuck on the fourth floor. Rolling her eyes, she hurried to the stairwell and all but ran up to the third floor.

She opened the door to the hall, hearing music blaring from her apartment and with a scowl she pulled out her key, ready to do verbal battle with the girl that came in to tend Abigail. Throwing the door open she saw Abby standing with her arms held up in the air, her hips swaying slightly and a look of sublime concentration on her face.

Hermione rolled her eyes and hurried to turn down the radio. "Cute, but I'll get kicked out of here."

"Did ya see her?" Laura giggled. "She likes music. I put her hand on it, you know, for the vibrations and she just went crazy."

Hermione turned to see Abby standing still, a look of confusion covering her face at the loss of the music. "I wish I didn't have to be the adult here, but the music has to go. I have neighbours that already don't like the idea of a … child living here. I can take her down to the shops and see if headphones have the same result I guess. However, until payday, the music stays off."

"I know Miss Patterson, but… she must be awful bored. You know? I mean… it's like she is locked up inside. If it were just one thing she … sorry."

"Well, maybe this will help." Hermione walked over and took Abby by the hand, seeing her face light up when she recognized her touch. "I got her a book. Now, she is going to need help with it. Just as she did with the flash cards."

Laura looked over Abby's shoulder as the girl inspected the book. "I'll try… I don't know…"

"Just like the cards," Hermione said, looking up at her. "Laura, I took the liberty of calling the University today."

"Mine?"

"Well, yes. I was going to start myself a couple of years ago. When I took Abby, I had to let it go, only now… I want to talk to you about more hours so I can go back. A few years ago no one was hiring in my… my field, and I couldn't find a job. That will never happen again. I have to make sure I keep myself marketable."

"It's hard, by the time I go to school and work here as well, I don't have much study time left."

"I know," Hermione sighed. "I talked to your Headmaster and found out that there is a program that you can qualify for. You can receive credits for the work you do here. After all, you are learning sign language, Braille, teaching a special needs child. There is an exam at the end of the term, of course. However, the same books on the reading list are the ones I already have. You could fulfil two of your education credits and graduate earlier. Plus, he is looking into seeing if he can waive a semester of your student teaching requirements."

"And you would pay me?" Laura grinned.

"Yup," Hermione said, chewing her lip, waiting for the answer.

"I'll see about it tomorrow. If my Mum says it's okay I'm fine with it. As long she is footing my bills I need to clear it with her."

"Good," Hermione sighed out in relief. "I signed up myself already. I was hoping you would say that. Laura, this arrangement will only be until next year. I have made arrangements to put Abby in a private boarding school."

"If this works I will be done with school at the same time." She stroked Abby's hair softly. "I'll miss her, you know. She really is sweet… when she isn't showing her temper. So you leave tomorrow? To see your mother?"

"Yes, as soon as we get up. We will try to be back Tuesday, but call before you come over. If we miss the train again it won't be until Wednesday morning."

"Miss Patterson, I shouldn't say anything. You have done amazing things with her, but there are other methods. Other schools she should be in. I mean, she … she is learning … things… but her vocal skills are so low… I just…"

"You'll have to trust me on this. The school she will be attending will have her talking in no time, but they will require her formal education to be at a certain level. That's my goal. She is still behind for her age, so we have a lot of work to do."

That night, instead of tucking Abby in bed, she sat in her old second hand rocking chair and pulled Abbey onto her lap. Some nights she was lonely, and just needed the contact with someone who would cling to her, and make her feel needed. She laid her head on Abby's and sighed loudly, wondering how she would cope when Hogwarts sent the letter.

She had tried to make connections with the Muggle world, to establish new friends and a new life. She had hesitated to date one of the young men that came into the library and kept on until she agreed to share a cup of tea with him. He had taken to walking her home, or if the weather was bad, sitting on the train with her, never pushing to come into her flat, and never taking her back to his own. She had tried to lose herself in him, when he laid her down and slid into her the first time in a room he had paid for, she had sought her release in desperation and longing, unable to reach the end.

He had held her, and told her he loved her, and paid for the room again. She had learned to react the way he expected, faking her climax as she felt him stiffen and pour himself into her, closing her eyes and biting back her tears. Yet, she went to him, every time he called. Needing what he had to give.

She nuzzled Abby's hair, rocking the now sleeping child, and laid her head back, turning to look out the window. The lights of the city blocked out the stars and she often would remember how brightly they shined above the Astronomy Tower. The lights reminded her of Richard the most. The lights of the city, as they walked along the Thames, his arm around her waist, cast just enough shadows to hide in. She had found out that what he had hidden, was a wife. A wife and two children that lived in their tiny house which he commuted to every weekend.

She stood up, knowing as she hefted Abby, that she could not do this much longer. Abby was already so big that she was thankful to make it to her bed without dropping her. With a grin, she pulled up the covers and went to her own bed.

.

.

Abby stayed on the boat with Mr. McKenzie as Hermione once again climbed over the rocks and boulders and made her way into the tower. She was taken to the now familiar Family Room and sat waiting for Jake to tell her that Severus refused to see her.

She slowly stood and picked up her purse and as she had each time before waiting at the door for the Auror to take her back to the reception area.

"Miss Granger, I have orders from the Ministry that we are no longer able to accept you on the ferry. I think you expected this at some point."

"How much?" she said flatly.

"It's not a matter of taking your money. However, we cannot keep paying the ferry just to have you to sit here. It's pointless. I am taken away from my duties, the guard in the reception area has to sit on his arse until you leave, and Snape is not now, nor ever going to consent to seeing you. The sooner you accept this the sooner you can get on with you life."

"He will give up eventually," Hermione spat.

"No, I think that would be you," he raked his hands though his hair in frustration. "Listen, the last few times you have come you even drag your kid with you. Do you think this is something a kid should be doing?"

"She likes the boat ride, she looks forward to it." Hermione stammered, not wanting to tell him that she could not even see the tower. "Could you ask him one more…"

"No." He reached around her and pulled the door open. "After you."

"Wait," she laid her hand on his, thinking furiously for something else she could do. "If I find my own way here, find someone that would bring me… not use the Ministry Ferry… there are rental boats down at…"

"Miss Granger, no," he said firmly, then stepped back from the door and scowled down at her. "Go ahead, ask. I am learning how your mind works."

"I need to use the loo."

"You will not talk to Boris alone." He said harshly. "You may think he wants your gold. However, Madam, it is not your gold he wants. I am not sure you are willing to give him what he will ask for, and if you do I have greatly underestimated you."

"If I pay him enough he will…"

"I am sure he will make sure your passage is paid to this island, it is the return trip you may not be willing to pay for. Am I clear?"

Hermione nodded, looked away, ashamed to meet his eyes. "I didn't mean it like that, I only … I didn't mean it."

"I had hoped not," he sniggered and opened the door for her, for what she knew was the last time.

Sitting on the train, Abby sleeping against her side, Hermione watched as the landscape slipped by her window, passing the now familiar sights. The rhythm of the wheels and the gentle sway of the cars made her think of the Hogwarts' express and the first time she had taken a train any distance. Now, she thought that this was the last time she would make this trip. She was done. She had finished all she could. Now she had to rely on Harry to keep after Kingsley, who would in turn pester the Prime Minister.

She laid her cheek on Abby's head and breathed in her smell, smiling at how things had a way of working out. At one time, she had worried that she would be stuck with a child for longer than she had agreed. Now she worried how she would let go. She closed her eyes and gave a silent goodbye to Severus, hoping he would survive, knowing he no longer wanted to.

.

.

Hermione sat in the last pew of the tiny chapel, watching Neville and Hannah exchange vows. She held Abby's hand poised over her own, her fingers flying as she tried to keep up with the service. Finally done, they settled back to listen to the soloist Augusta had insisted they have and the songs she had chosen as well.

Hermione watched Abby from the corner of her eye as her hand raised into the air, soon followed by the other. Suddenly the chapel was full of golden light that radiated from Abby's hands. Unable to contain her joy, her magic had released and spread.

Hermione reached to lower her arms, restrained when Draco's arm brought down her own.

"Leave her, look at her face." Draco whispered into her ear. "Hermione, I need to leave, Astoria's water broke. Give Neville my congratulations, and this. " He grinned as he pressed an envelope into her hands.

Hermione spun and looked down the pew at Astoria, who shrugged sheepishly and stood uncertainly. Draco rushed to her and putting his arm around her waist, he helped to her to the chapel door. Hermione reached over to the pew ahead of her and tapped Harry on the shoulder, jerking her head to the door Draco had just opened.

"Now?"

Hermione grinned and nodded, glad to see Harry and Ginny exchange hurried whispers with the older Weasleys and rush out behind the soon to be parents. She then leaned back in the pew, closing her eyes as the music swelled around her. She remembered Harry, and the way he had turned to look into Ginny's eyes, as they had knelt on the ground exchanging their vows, and she remembered the news that Ronald and Lavender had eloped rather than put up with Molly's demands. She felt a lump in her throat and the familiar sting of tears when she wondered if she would ever find someone who cared for her as much as she cared for him.

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.

Severus drank the vial that sat on his tray, and then pushed everything else back to the slot under the door, needing extra strength to do what he wanted and knowing the potion would help. Today the guard had brought him his monthly allotment of bathing water. The water was cold, salty and cold, dipped from the North Sea.

He stripped off his grey shirt and trousers and knelt naked in front of the pail. First, he rinsed his shirt, scrubbing the neck and what was left of the cuffs with the sliver of soap that he had been given. Wringing the garment the best he could, he tied it to the bars to dry, then did the same with his trousers.

He used his hands to spread water over his body, sucking in air as the cold water hit his flesh. Placing the soap in the palm of his hand he add enough water to create a lather which he applied to his body and scrubbed the best he could with his bare hands. He moved to take a squatting position over the loo, taking a few quick breaths in anticipation, he lifted the pail over his head and poured the icy water over his body to remove the soap.

"Bloody Hell," he spat and grabbed the blanket, throwing it around his shoulder and sitting on the palette, trying to curl into a ball in his search of warmth.

As he stopped shivering, he retied the clothing, a process he would repeat several times, in an attempt to expose more of the fabric to the air. Returning to sit and wait on the pallet, he lifted his hand to his nose and inhaled the smell of the soap that still lingered.

His mind went to the bath he had built for Hermione. The marble he had carefully selected. The deep tub and the shower he had added as well, not knowing which she preferred. He closed his eyes and imagined sitting in the rub, hot water sending clouds of steam in the air and the smell of her soap and shampoo. He saw Hermione as she would walk in while he soaked. She would drop her robe and step in to the tub, her legs smooth and silky as they rested against his, her breasts full and the way she would moan and move closer as he kissed them.

His eyes flew open as he gasped for air. He had to forget her. He thought he had. He thought he had blocked his mind. _Fool_, he thought, _damned fool_.

.

.

.

It was the middle of the night as Harry rushed up the steps in the stairwell, not waiting for the lift, and pounded on Hermione's door. She crawled out of bed before looking at the clock, then seeing the time hurried to answer it. Three in the morning meant someone was hurt and dying.

"Who is it?" She looked out the peephole, not able to see in the darkened hallway.

"Harry, now open up. I tried to call."

She flipped the lock and threw the dead bolt open, when he pushed the door open making her stumble back.

"Ginny?" she whispered. "Oh Harry, what happened? Is it the twins, I'll get dressed…"

"Ginny's fine. It's Snape."

"Again? You'd think he would learn."

"No, Hermione, sit." He pointed to the sofa as he began to pace. "I am on the night shift this week so this has to be fast. I wish you had picked up the phone."

"I forgot to charge it," she explained as she frowned at him.

"You did it. Well, I think you did. The Prime Minister has a meeting at the Ministry of Magic tomorrow. He has never, never done this before. I talked to Kingsley and Snape is the only reason we can come up with. I think you did it!"

"We don't know yet, do we," she said flatly. "I'm sorry Harry. I told you…I'm done. I hope he gets out, I do. I hope he gets his job back, and I hope he has a good life, but you should be telling Minerva. She will be the one to take care of him once he gets out, if he gets out."

"Why did you…I don't get it."

"It was, and still is the right thing to do," she sighed deeply. "Remember me? The great elf crusader? Want me to knit you a hat? Speaking of hats…Millie, his elf, is in self- imposed exile at Spinner's End. She needs to know when he is coming home so she can fawn all over him."

"Do you want to be there? When he gets out?"

"No, he doesn't want to see me. If he did, he would have long before now. I should like to know that he is out, but … no I won't make that trip again. He… he's going to need help, you know … getting back into …"

"Not at Spinner's End, that place is falling down. Even with Millie there. Minerva may let him stay at Hogwarts."

"You will have to ask her then."

"Hermione, come on, you have spent almost…"

"Goodnight, Harry…I really am glad you came, but I have to get up early."

"Sure," he said as she opened the door. "I guess I always thought…okay, good night Mione. I'll let you know for sure when I hear, if you want."

"Of course I want to know, Harry." She gave him a hug and a grin. "Just don't expect me to take care of him once he gets out."

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.

Minerva stood outside of Severus' cell unable to say anything, only standing and looking at his back, as he lay facing the wall. She could see his hips jut out against the thin fabric of the prison uniform, and saw the sores on his feet, open and oozing. She swallowed hard and squeezed Millie's hand in hers. Turning slightly she looked down at Millie and nodded. It was time.

She had flown into a rage when she heard Severus' was being released and expected to make his own way back. She had also been informed that he would have to report to the Ministry and sign for his wand himself. Until that time, he could not use magic, nor travel by unauthorized floo. Calling Millie back they had reopened his old quarters in the dungeons, refreshed the air, and scrubbed it from top to bottom. Minerva had taken his best robes and had them pressed, knowing that the Daily Prophet would have photographers on hand to splash his picture across their pages.

"Unlock this at once," Minerva ordered the Auror that was accompanying her.

Once inside, she rushed into the cell and lowered herself to the pallet, pulling Severus' shoulder to roll him on to his back. "My, dear boy," she said sadly. "Come, it is time to go home."

He scowled at her and twisted his body to look into the furthest and darkest corner, expecting to see Albus smiling at him. "Get away," he tried to roll over, only to find a hand restraining him. He studied the hand that held him, touching it with his finger then raised his eyes slowly to look at the face that peered down at him.

"Minerva?" He reached up to touch her face. Still not sure she was real until he felt her skin under his finger.

"I came to see you home," she said softly. "Severus, come now." She sat up straight and turned to the Auror. "Why was he not told?"

"Frankly, I thought Miss Granger would be the one that would come. I thought she may enjoy being the one that told him."

"How often has she been here?"

"Not all the way up here, but to the Family Room she didn't miss a visiting day for… must have been 20, 21 months."

Minerva turned back to Severus appraising his condition. "I will need my wand, and don't tell me I can't have it or I will have yours. He needs healing before he walks out of here. And you may be assured he will walk out on his own two feet." She pursed her lips together and wondered that Severus still showed no emotion and little sign that he knew what was happening to him. "Millie, hot water, towels, soap, and please, his razor along with a pair of scissors, and bring his after shave. He smells worse than a troll. He will not be able to bathe properly until we get him home but we can at least take off the top layer."

She stood and removed her robes, handing them to the Auror with instructions not to set them down, and then ordered him to bring a chair. Her look and the memory of his old Transfiguration instructor's penchant for creative hexes convinced him at once to do as she had told him.

"Now, where to begin," she pondered.

"You leaves," Millie said setting down the hot water, towels and other personal hygiene objects she had grabbed on her fast trip to Hogwarts. "I clean and dress Master."

"Millie, as much as you desire to help, I am afraid this …"

"No," Millie ran in front of Severus, holding her hands up as if to push Minerva away. "Master is mine. Master very angry if you see his nakedness."

"She's almost right, Minerva_. Millie_ will be very angry with you." Arthur Weasley stepped into the small cell, and squatted down to Millie. "May I help you? He is a… an old friend and I promise not to carry tales of his condition."

Millie nodded and clasped her hands in front of her, her eyes filling with tears. "He is my Miss Prince's, he is now mine."

Arthur led Minerva to the bars and pushed her out of the cell. "Wait down in the Family Room. If you can, send up some pumpkin juice, and anything else you think he can hold down. If they do not have it, let us know and I will send Millie for it. I quite agree with Millie. He would be mortified to learn later that you helped dress him, and I am sure Millie here will say nothing of my help."

"Whiskey," Millie nodded. "He likes his whiskey."

"Not yet, Millie," Arthur laughed. "Give him time."

Minerva waited for almost two hours before the door opened and Severus walked in, leaning heavily on Arthur's arm. He released Arthur and attempted to reach for Minerva as his knees buckled and he slid to the floor.

Minerva had her arms around him and felt the sobs that wracked his body before he hit the stones, going down with him.

"How long?" he rasped.

"Too long, my boy. Four years, just a little longer than four years."

He lifted his head, locking his eyes on hers. "Black … ?"

She nodded sadly, knowing what he meant, looking up to Arthur for help, when she did not know how to answer him.

Helping him to his feet, Arthur again was surprised at how thin he was, almost afraid he would hurt him by merely helping him stand. "Sirius had his anger to keep him going. He sought revenge and … Severus, he wanted to live. You spent your anger before you came. You thought wrongly that you had nothing left. Now, come. It is time we took you home and let Molly feed you. She has already sent trays of tarts and sweets to your rooms and Millie here plans to stock up your whiskey supply."

.

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.

Hermione stood with Neville on the dock, waiting for the boat to bring them back to the shores of Scotland. As they came into view, Hermione stepped back, and asked Neville for the invisibility cape. He placed it over her head, and told her to keep her feet under the hem, before turning to watch as they unloaded Snape from the boat.

As the one time feared wizard stepped onto the dock, Neville heard Hermione's intake of breath. Snape was supported on each side, as Minerva and Arthur each held him tightly by his arms. His hair, now grey at the temples, was pulled back and tied securely, leaving his neck exposed, showing the deep livid scar he had received form Nagini all those years ago. He wore dark glass, curved around his face, shielding his eyes from the sun, and making his pale skin even paler in contrast. Neville saw the bones so close under the skin of his face and hands, that he thought it must be painful, and heard Hermione's cry as she turned, and grabbed his hand.

"I've seen enough. Take me home."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, please. He is home now. I had to make sure… Neville, please… take me home."


	44. Readjustments

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

* * *

**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 44**

**Readjustments**

* * *

Severus swung his legs over the edge of the bed and slowly stood. He lifted his head and walked to the shower to luxuriate in the hot water, letting the hot water bathe his body and help remove his memories of Azkaban. The first week he had been back, he had showered often, at least four times a day. Millie would stand outside the glass enclosure nervously pacing, afraid that he would fall, until Minerva had transfigured a chair and placed it under the showerhead. In the middle of the night, Millie had taken him by the hand and transported him to the bath he used to share with Hermione, letting him sink into the tub as she climbed up behind him and washed his hair.

As his need for constant showers had diminished, his fastidiousness in his dress had grown. Inspecting his clothing carefully before dressing, he would bring the fabric to his nose before allowing himself to place them next to his skin. Often offended by a smell, or an imaginary trace of dampness, he would throw the garment on the floor and reach for another until he was satisfied with what he wore.

Today he would take his breakfast in the Great Hall for the first time since his return nearly two months ago. He was apprehensive and unsure. Standing in front of his mirror, he appraised his reflection and once again pulled off his robes and changed to a different set. When he felt he was ready, he started down the hallway, unsure of the reception he would receive.

The Great Hall was quiet as he pulled the door open and strode quickly down the aisle, his robes catching the air and rising behind him as he hurried to the staff table to take his position as Professor of Potions once more. A single Slytherin student stood and began to applaud, soon followed by others at his house's table. He looked up and was surprised to see a Crabbe had started the display. Lowering his head, he looked at the tabletop, unsure of an appropriate response.

The applause spread, as house after house rose to their feet to honour their returning professor. Swallowing hard he stood, and nodded to each table in turn, then sat and picked up his fork.

"Professor?" Belinda Crabbe said loudly. "We wanted to let you know that we don't go along with everything in the Prophet. I know why you…I mean we know why you did it and … that's all." She quickly sat down, turning red.

"I thank you for your sentiment Miss Crabbe. However, what was printed in the Prophet was quiet correct." He heard Minerva clear her throat loudly in an attempt to quiet him, and only smirked at her attempt. "I must caution you to know the facts before you speak, not only in this room but in your lessons as well."

A murmur ran through the room as his words were repeated at the tables, curious eyes turned to him, until a hand went up at the Ravenclaw table, waving wildly in the air.

"Yes, Miss O'Conner?" Minerva called to her. "Do make it brief."

The seventh year girl stood boldly. "Sir, the paper said that the Prime Minister stepped in. If that is the case, the war was not contained to our world as we are being told. We think… we have a petition to modify the History of Magic class to include Voldemort's rise right through Malfoy's fall."

Severus saw Draco close his fist over his knife so hard his knuckles turned white. "I think Miss O'Conner that our history must play out before such modifications may be made. Miss Crabbe, and others in this room, may not want their family's name dragged through the ages with no mention of others of the same name that were instrumental in ending the conflict. I do agree with the sentiment, as only by knowing our past can we see our future, but this is most assuredly not the time."

As the students turned back to the matter of shovelling their breakfast into their mouths, Severus pushed the food around on his plate, trying to find the appetite he had just lost.

"You need to eat," Draco said flatly.

"And you need to get over this." He threw his fork down on the table. "We could not have ended this without you. You have no reason to…"

"Stop," Draco hissed. "Have you seen Astoria lately? No? She stays out of sight, tired of the slurs to the Malfoy name."

Severus raised his eyebrow in question. "She should be proud to carry your name."

"Yeah, right," Draco snorted.

Severus glanced to the table where Miss O'Conner sat. "Perhaps that is your job in all this. You are privy to more information than most, and know the dangers of a father's misguided ambitions. You also know which of our illustrious families contained…blood-traitors to the Lord's cause and now hold title on a house that is rife with information if you care to look."

"You are suggesting …? I am not one for tedious research and writing. You know me well enough to not suggest it."

"No," Severus said with a smirk. "I remember your abysmal essays. However, your wife's work was always above reproach."

"So, you want me too…"

"I want you to do nothing Malfoy," he said with a sneer. "I want to be done with this."

"I have seen Hermione on occasion, that is, if you are interested."

"I am not." He stood quickly. "If you will excuse me, I have things to do this morning."

It was harder to forget her once he began to leave the dungeons and take up his old life. He had visited their old chambers, considering them over the dungeons for their light and spacious rooms. Waking through the rooms, he had at first thought he could do it, imagining converting the office to a bedroom and clearing out the furniture that she had selected. He heard the windowpane catch in the wind and the sound made him turn, expecting to see her walk through the door.

He no longer could use the tub without remembering how she would peek in the door and quietly drop her dressing gown; going to him with none of the first embarrassment she had felt with her nakedness, only anxious to feel his body next to hers. He no longer felt just a tightness in his groin, but in his chest.

He had seen Kingsley twice. Both times Severus had found himself grow distant and reluctant to talk. Twice Kingsley had tried to broach the subject of Severus's incarceration, and twice Severus had guided the conversation back to more neutral grounds. Unsure of his own feelings he could not give Kingsley the peace of mind he so desperately needed nor the forgiveness he craved. He could not talk to Kingsley without talking of Renee and Hermione, so pulled away and avoided further meetings.

What surprised him the most was Longbottom's constant presence. Often a knock on his door was the signal that once again the Herbology Professor had brought an herb to be immersed into his morning cup of tea to relieve the stiffness that Neville knew still sat in Severus' joints.

"It's from inactivity, that and the cold. Arthritis, but temporary, this will help until the potions kick in," Neville had explained. "I use it for my Mum and Dad. They should be up and encouraged to walk about, but the staff doesn't always have time. I guess that happens all over. At one time I thought they would get better treatment in the Muggle world but after seeing Abby I gave up that idea."

"Abby?" Severus asked as he doctored his tea.

"Hermione's new charge. Cute as a button." Neville reached over and took a cup. "She should have had special care from the beginning. She was trained, more like a pet if you will. Hermione has done wonders with her. It has taken her … let's see, three years? No, it was shortly after you... umm, about four now."

Severus snapped his head up and locked his eyes on Neville. "This is the child that is… special needs," he said slowly, as a conversation he had had with Kingsley replayed in his mind. "I know of only one child that is slated for Hogwarts that has been given to a squib."

"Not a squib, that is the story Hermione used to explain why a witch would be living in London." Neville nodded. "Hermione has actually taught her not only how to read Braille but simple vocal language. She was worried that by the time she gets her voice back she would have lost the ability. Not really her voice, once she can hear she should be able to pick up the spoken word more quickly. Of course, her speech will always be a little off. Hermione says that most specialists claim if a chid does not have language by seven they can never learn it well."

"How old … six…by now … ten?" Severus frowned. "So in truth Miss Granger is the Miss Patterson I have heard of."

"I thought you knew. I mean, it's not really a secret."

"No, no it's not," Severus said too quickly. "I am aware of Miss…Patterson's interference with the Prime Minister on my behalf."

"A stroke of genius, if you ask me. It was that Auror up at Azkaban that gave her the idea."

Severus frowned, and ran his hand through his hair, remembering the Auror that had come time after time to his cell. "I never learned his name."

"I could ask …"

"No, no, it no longer matters."

"She should be attending next year, Abby I mean. Whoever takes her on will have the summer to work with her. Hermione is worried that whoever takes her won't spend the time with her she needs. You know how she gets. If we had a yard, or someplace for her we would take her, Hannah thinks she is a great kid."

Severus poured himself a whiskey that night. He allowed himself one drink a day over Poppy's protests that his liver and kidneys were still weak from his hunger strike at Azkaban. _Hunger strike_, he thought, _a polite term for a failed suicide_. He sat in his chair staring into the fire, unable to keep his mind away from his memories. He had not started his full teaching responsibilities yet, having taken on only one lesson with the first years, and found the tedium of the days beginning to let his mind wander to places he did not want it to go. Smashing his glass into the fireplace, he grabbed his robes and headed to the door, wondering how many Pattersons could be in London.

It took him three trips to finally give in and admit he could not do this alone. In desperation, he contacted the Prime Minister's office by phone, explaining that he wanted to thank the kind Miss Patterson for interceding on his behalf. After an hour on the phone, and a pocket full of coin he finally had the information he needed. Setting off to find her apartment, he was disappointed to find her gone. A glance at the clock outside a neighbourhood bank told him she was at work.

Crossing the street, he leaned against the building, standing in the lengthening shadows to wait. It was not long before he saw her walking toward her door, rummaging through her purse, talking to the young man at her elbow. He watched as they walked into the apartment building together, the young man taking her key, and laughing as the sacks they carried began to spill.

He tipped his head up as a light came on in one of the windows, and saw shadows that moved against the ceiling. He pushed away from the wall and walked to the closest Apparation point, realizing with a certainty that he was too late, and at the same time felt a bittersweet sadness that she had indeed moved on, as he had wanted.

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Walking through the Ministry, Severus was aware of the silence that his presence created. Lifting his chin, and with an utter look of distain, he waited for the Auror to greet him.

"Mr. Snape, you are here to retrieve your wand?"

"Professor Snape, and yes. My six month probationary period is well over."

"Have you completed the paper work?"

Severus smirked, reached into his breast pocket and tossed the requested documents into the air, levitating them to the desktop with a flick of his hand. "I find it less of a distraction to use a wand in front of the students, so please forgive me for bothering you with this little task."

The Auror swallowed hard, steeping back from the Snape. "I will collect it, if you will have a seat."

"They will be thinking of a way to have you check your hands on your next visit," Kingsley chuckled. "They notified me as soon as you arrived."

"Kingsley," Severus said with a curt nod.

"You seem well. The last time we talked you still had difficulty walking, and your weight seems back to normal."

"If you wanted an assessment of my health you did not have to make the trip down here yourself. Now, what are you after?"

"To make sure you understand the conditions under which you were released."

"Since I have no plans to leave the country, nor do I endeavour to work in the dark arts they have no relevance."

"There is the small matter of a villa that your ex-wife still holds in the name of Snape. It is causing some concern."

The Auror returned with his wand, and cautiously handed it to Kingsley, who transferred it to Severus with a wide grin. "I wonder that you still have need for this."

Severus took the wand from his outstretched hand, waited until he left again and turned back to Kingsley. "You know why the property is in Hermione's name. It was not done by me, or for my benefit."

"I would not think Renee knew of your difficulties at the time, even if she had I am not sure it would have made a difference. She had a … singular mind set concerning witches and gifts from wizards. She would have kept it indefinitely, but once she knew you were living with your wife, she did not want any misunderstanding between the two of you. A gift of property to a witch is not an easy thing to explain."

"I am sure Herm… Miss Granger has no further use for it."

"Then put it back in your name. I will personally hold the property in trust, and assure the courts that I have not only your word not to leave the country, but have set wards against your returning there. It is a simple procedure. Leave it as it is, and it appears to some that you are planning to leave with your ex."

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Dobbins yanked the missive from the owl, grinning to read the deposit had been made to his account. Twenty thousand galleons would see him nicely through a couple of years, if not more. He had been surprised when Snape had given him the job. Not that he minded working for Snape, but with the wizard's history he knew the only reason he was still his solicitor, after the problems at his trial with that Granger bitch, was because no one else would accept him as a client.

Real Estate transactions were not that difficult, a short trip to Italy to view property, a floo call to an Italian Agency to find the value, and an hour for his receptionist to fill in blanks on the standard forms was all the effort that he had taken. Holding the receipt for his fee, he felt well rewarded at four times the normal commission.

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Snape slammed his fist on the table, then stormed down the greenhouses to rage at Longbottom who met his anger with surprise.

"What made you think she would accept the money? Has she ever given you reason to believe she would?"

"It is her villa! Renee gave it to her! Therefore the money on the sale is hers."

"And you bought it for Renee, so it is your money. You know that's what she will say." Neville saw the vein in Severus's neck throb and suddenly understood his lie. "You didn't sell it, you bought it. By Merlin, if she finds this one out she is really going to be pissed at you."

"She was contacted by a solicitor and agreed it should be sold. It should come as no surprise to her that she would be the one to benefit. Nor should it make any difference whom purchases it."

"Right. If you believed that yourself, you wouldn't be here. What? You want me to make her take the money just so you feel better?"

"This, Mr. Longbottom, has nothing to do with my….my feelings. It is a simple business transaction."

"Right," Neville snorted, "and Lovegood has pictures of nargles in the wild. Do you want to buy one?"


	45. An Unexpected Visit

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 45**

**An Unexpected Visit**

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Snape poised his fist, ready to knock soundly on _Maggie Patterson's_ door and demand satisfaction in resolving the problem he perceived in her refusal of the money from the sale of the villa in Italy. He heard voices and paused for a moment, considering if he should come back, when Hermione's voice rose in anger, making it impossible for him not to hear.

"What do you think I saw? You son of a bitch…get out! Get out! Just get the bloody hell out!" Hermione's voice screeched above the sound of breaking glass.

"All I said was she gives me the creeps! Look at her! How can you say that is normal?! I had to make sure she wasn't into my shaving gear, that's it. I wasn't doing anything."

Snape lifted his arm to pound his fist on the door as it was yanked open and Hermione threw shoes and a coat at him.

"What do you want?" she asked angrily as a barefoot man pushed past him, grabbed the coat and thundered down the stairs, his shoes lying uncollected in the hallway.

"If this is a bad time I can…"

"What the fuck does it look like?" She suddenly blanched and ran inside, grabbed a pair of socks and a necktie, collected a shaving kit from the bath and ran to the window. She yanked it open, leaned out until she saw him run into the street, and threw the rest at him. "You come back and I'll kill you! You hear me? I'll cut it off you son of a bitch!"

Turning to the door, she stood rigidly, holding her fists to her sides. "Make it quick, Snape."

He closed the door behind him, glancing around the room, and saw a broken vase and shattered glass littering the floor. "Did he hurt you?"

"Does it look like it?"

"Hermione?" He crossed over to her, watching her closely, seeing her eyes begin to fill with tears. "Where is Abigail? Did he hurt her?"

She covered her mouth with both hands and shook her head fervently as her eyes plead with him. Grabbing her shoulders, he gently shook her. "Where is she?"

"In… in the bath, he was watching her. He was …" she swallowed hard.

Severus released her and ran toward the bathroom, where he grabbed a towel and threw it in the tub with the girl. Startled, she clasped it in front of herself, her eyes wide and searching, her hand beating in the air as she began to sign for Maggie, making strangled sounds as she felt an unfamiliar hand touch her face.

Severus fell to his knees next to the tub, and laying his forehead against hers, slipped into her mind quickly, assaulted by her sudden fear and her need of her Maggie. He whispered to her mind, heard the flutter of her heart slow and began a regular beat. As he continued to look through her memories, he felt her own mind trying to find his, wondering at the sound of a voice. Pulling back, he looked over his shoulder at Hermione.

"He didn't touch her." He stood, waving his hand to dry his wet trousers.

"I was just putting on a tea pot. When he didn't come back I … I found him in here masturbating. Standing right over her masturbating." She looked at Abby uncertainly, and then fell to her knees to reassure the girl. "She didn't know he was here. That's good, right? That she didn't know? I mean… there is no way she could. Did you see anything?"

"She knows nothing, only now a strange man has accosted her in the bath." He stepped away from the tub. "You need to …" He looked back at the tub scowling. "Tell her something."

"Great," Hermione laughed nervously. "Any ideas?"

"No." He swallowed hard.

"She never liked him, Frank, his name is Frank, and she never liked him."

She reached into the water, and took Abby's hand, signing and rolling her eyes. When she was done, she stood and folded her arms. "I told her Frank had to leave for a very long trip, and since he doesn't know sign that was his way of saying goodbye. Maybe she will think you were him."

"She believes you?" Snape asked incredulously.

"I don't think she knows what a lie is." She sniffed the air and looked at him sheepishly. "I just burnt another tea kettle."

Severus followed her to the kitchen, pausing just long enough to repair the damage done to the living room. When he was done, he followed her into the kitchen. She had a wooden spoon through the handle of the pot, lifting it into the sink. "I have…umm, water… and apple juice."

"Sit," he guided her to one of the kitchen chairs, turned to the sink where he first cooled, then repaired the kettle. Lifting his head and smelling the acrid smell that still lingered in the air, he refreshed it as well. Picking up the teapot, he filled it with fresh water and spelled the water hot. "Where do you keep the tea?"

"Tin, over the stove."

Reaching up he opened the cupboard, smirking at the sight of at least ten unopened tins, and putting one in front of her with the pot, collected two cups before sitting down with her.

"You should be glad to have caught him before he could harm her. If you had not, he may have become emboldened and done much worse in the future."

She laid her head on her arms and sobbed, as she suddenly felt drained. "I'm sorry," she choked. "I feel like such a fool."

"It's the adrenalin, you'll be better in a moment, it will pass. It's not your fault, Hermione."

"Yes, yes it is. I never thought he could…I never even thought of it. I should have. I shouldn't have trusted him. I shouldn't have brought him, or any man here."

"Did he give you any indication that…"

"Bugger off, Snape." She snapped her head up and looked at him harshly. "Do you think I saw this coming but didn't do anything about it?"

"I did not intend to imply that you…"

"No, you normally come out and tell me I am too trusting and foolish. That I only see the good in people."

"I take it he was… staying here."

She leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. "What did you come for?"

"I didn't come to argue."

"Good. I do thank you for … gods, if he had touched her… I don't know what I would have done. She … she wouldn't understand. She wouldn't even know how to tell me." Her hand covered her mouth again as she tried to swallow her sobs as the situation again flooded over her. "I remember what I felt like, that time at the Hogs Head, and I knew what he was doing, I couldn't stop him but I knew. She wouldn't, she …would just … she would …" she clasped her hand over her mouth and ran to the loo, making it just in time to vomit into the toilet.

He handed her a dampened flannel before helping her stand and staying with her, while she brushed her teeth. "Hermione, you need to tend to Abby. I cannot do it."

She nodded and looked back to the tub. "She always has a cup of cocoa before I put her to bed, and … will you stay? I'm sorry, I don't mean to … to act this way. I just keep seeing him… that filthy bastard! She is just a baby, my gods, Severus if he had…"

"He did not."

"I know, and I thank you for looking into her mind. I would have hauled her down to the hospital and… she would have been hysterical to have had a pelvic exam."

"Hermione, there is no need. I assure you, other than a strange man touching her face and talking into her mind, she is fine. If you care to explain that to the Muggle doctors, feel free."

"Fuck, now what do we tell her?"

"_We_?"

"Well?" Hermione bit her lip. "She doesn't seem upset. Maybe… I should wait a few minutes to see if she… you know lie."

"We still have a matter to discuss. I will wait."

"Good, go finish your tea. You have to meet her you know. She will know you are here."

Hermione grabbed a dry towel and jerked her head toward the door, indicating that he was to leave while she got Abby dried off and dressed in her pyjamas. Once done, she handed Abby her robe, waiting for her to struggle it on and led her out to the kitchen.

"Severus Snape," she smiled broadly. "You know how to make cocoa."

"I was raised Muggle."

"Right, you and that elf of yours."

"I will have you know," he looked down his nose and waved a spoon in her face, "that I have been cooking almost as long as I have been walking."

"Mother couldn't cook, hey?"

"Exactly," he intoned dryly.

"We can talk in front of her. She hears absolutely nothing, although she can see shadows and some movement if the lights are bright enough."

He poured three cups of the hot sweet drink and set them on the table, glancing at Abbey who sat with her chin raised and head tipped to the side, a look of concentration on her face.

"She knows I am here."

Hermione reached for Abby's hand then pulled her own back to think what to say.

"Tell her I will be her teacher. I am sure you have no objection to that," he said coldly.

"Thanks, I don't think she is ready for the whole ex-husband thing." She grabbed Abby's hand and signed quickly then looked up to Severus. "Now you can shake her hand if you don't mind."

Severus walked around the table and took the child's hand in his, surprised when she turned her head toward him, wrinkling her brow as she reached out for his face with her free hand. Squatting down he allowed her to feel his face, clenching his jaw when she smiled and stroked his nose.

Hermione began to giggle, then burst out laughing when Abby snatched her hand back at the touch of his hair. "Now, Severus, she doesn't know better. She is used to men with …short hair, she knows you are a man, yet your hair… umm, yeah, never mind."

He stood and returned to his chair, sipping his cocoa and casting glances at the girl as they sat silently.

"She should be in Hogwarts and getting used to her sight," he said as he set down his empty cup. "I have heard it is an easy procedure."

"That's what the Healers claim. They say that the optic nerves are fine, as are her ears and all the nerves. She sustained brain damage at birth. She stays here for a while yet, the agreement was she stays here until her letter comes and she has her birthday."

"A few weeks should not matter. However, in terms of her recovery of language skills it may be invaluable."

"No," Hermione stood and took the empty cups to the sink. "She stays here until then."

She tapped Abby on the shoulder and signed to her it was bedtime, then gave her a hug, expecting her to leave for her bedroom. She watched instead as she walked around the table and found Severus, patted him until she was sure where his face was, and leaned in, kissing him on the cheek.

"She knows," Hermione said evenly as Abby walked to bed. "That it wasn't Frank, that it was you."

"She still has no way of knowing what happened. It does however indicate that she is aware of your lies."

"I don't care. About this, I lie and so will you. She is too young to hear about it."

"Miss Granger, I am not casting aspersions on your choice of sexual partners. However, if this is an example of your …"

"Shut up, Snape." She came to her feet, and leaned her hands on table. "Don't you dare! I already said I know it was my fault. I shouldn't have let him stay here. It won't happen again! What? Do you think I have a steady stream of perverts coming in and out? How do you think it makes me feel? He said he loved me… he said…" She swallowed hard and breathed through her open mouth. "You know, now that I think about it… that's funny. I believed it. You would think I had learned my lesson by now."

"I should be leaving. I suggest you call a friend to sit with you as you appear in no condition to watch a child."

"I'm fine and she will be in bed until seven."

He took his coat from the back of the sofa and was ready to leave when he called to him.

"Severus, I am sorry. This is not a good time. I am glad you just happened by, I do appreciate the help. I sincerely don't think I could have made it by myself."

"Your reactions are quite understandable. To find a child, or anyone, put in that position is disturbing."

"I could have handled it better."

"Better? You discovered what he was and rid yourself of him, at the same time announcing out the window what you would do if he returns. I think you are quite safe from him."

"How are you, Severus? I never did ask you. You look…well."

"I am, thank you, Miss Granger." He nodded curtly and left.

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Once at Hogwarts he opened his liquor cabinet and poured two fingers worth into a water tumbler. Slouching down in his chair, he lifted his hand, taking the fireplace off the floo and lighting a raging fire.

He had wanted to hold her, to take away her anguish. He had fought not to pull her near, and bury his head in her hair as he had supported her at the sink, unable to do more than hand her a glass of water to rinse her mouth. _Frank_, he thought. He should have shaken her until she said his last name. He wanted to find the man that could do this.

He tipped up his glass of whiskey and took a swallow, leaning his head back and closing his eyes as it burned down his throat, sending fingers of warmth through his stomach. He knew she would never give up the name. Too afraid of what he would do, and too ashamed to talk of him again.

When he had seen them walk into the apartment together, he had felt a pang of loss. A loss he never had expected to feel again. Then, convincing himself this is what he had wanted he had pushed her from his mind. He had found it oddly comforting to know that she was no longer in his world. It would make it easier to forget her, not running into her in Diagon, or seeing her waiting for him at the Cauldron. He even doubted she would find much use for Flourish and Blotts.

He found himself thinking of her at odd times. In the morning, reading the Daily Prophet, he would find an article interesting and want to share it with her, or reading the monthly potions journal, he wished to have some one to discuss it with. The hardest time he had, trying to rid his mind of her memory, was when the occasional hint of a special herb, or taste of a familiar spice, harvested from her contribution to the greenhouse, in the anticipation of his son's birth, touched his tongue.


	46. Goodbye

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 46**

**Goodbye**

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Hermione put the plates on the table as Abby set the cutlery out, and began to collect the rolls and butter from the counter, as a knock came to the door. Hermione quickly grabbed Abby's hand, telling her the company had arrived and pulled off her apron as she hurried to the door.

"Severus," she smiled. "Come in. I hope this visit goes better than the last."

"It has started much better," he said with a smirk, relieved to see her smile.

"Gods, that was embarrassing. Not just what he did with Abby, but me throwing a half dressed man out of the door right into my ex-husband."

"I was surprised to receive an owl from you. I had thought you gave up all connections with our world."

"No, not completely anyway. I took lunch with Hannah and asked her if I could use her owl, and of course, I stay in touch with Harry and Ron. I must admit I don't see them as much as I used to, but we try to get together now and then. Please, let's take our conversation to the kitchen before Abby comes looking for us. Dinner is done."

Abby stood primly by the sink, waiting for permission to sit. "I wish she would get over this. That place she was in wouldn't let her sit at the table until … I don't know… I think they rang a bell for the kids and someone would drag her along. She won't sit down until I tell her it is okay. I can't seem to break her of it. Habit I guess."

"Perhaps, or it was an effort to instil patience."

"Or obedience to foolish rules." She touched Abby on the shoulder and signed to her to sit. "That was uncalled for, I know. Sometimes I could scream, then, at other times I am thankful they did what they could. We are having roast. I seemed to remember you liked it. It is strange we were mar…together for so long and I never did know what foods you liked. I guess I never thought of it with the elves and all."

"I am making you nervous, Miss Granger. If you would prefer to…"

"Of course I am," she grinned at him over her shoulder as she bent and pulled out a roasting tin from the oven. "I've never fixed this before."

"I was not referring to the meal."

"I know," she reached up, and pulled a platter from the cupboard and finished putting the food on the table before sitting down.

"I wanted to talk to you about her studies. I hear that you will be taking over your old headmaster position so I thought it a waste to discuss it with Minerva."

"How is this your concern? Other then you would be… interested that her education will continue. This is a discussion I should have with the family she is placed with."

"I have been thinking a lot about that," she said, as she started to pass the serving dishes to him. "She is Muggle born. I see no reason she should not continue to consider this as her home."

"However, you have an agreement with the Prime Minister and other than the fact that as soon as her handicap is corrected you will have no way to explain her sudden cure to the neighbours, I can think of at least a dozen other reasons."

"I thought, once I am finished with school, we could move. Maybe down by Leeds, or up near Manchester where no one knows us."

"Hermione, look at me." He waited until she turned her eyes to his. "What are you trying to do?"

"I want to keep her. She should be mine anyway, no one wanted her before."

"She is not a pet. She needs more than you are able to supply her."

"She will have it," she said, watching Abby fill her plate and set down the serving dish. "I may not be rich by Wizarding standards, but I do well enough here. She gets everything she needs."

"She needs special training, and not just during term. If she is to succeed, she will need to spend her summers in study. Studies you will not have the time, or the expertise to supply."

"I have most of the money from my parent's house just sitting there. I thought to hire a tutor during the summers."

"Miss Granger, if this is the reason you have extended this invitation, I should leave."

"No," she reached out and laid her hand on his. "Just think about it. Please?"

"My mind is quite made up, Miss Granger. If it were my decision to make, I would have also demanded she be given to at Wizarding family instead of a …single female at the start of this. Even if she only had a touch of magic and was unable to learn she should have been sequestered in our world and not here living as a Muggle."

They ate the rest of the meal in relative silence. Hermione furiously thinking of a way to bring the subject back up without angering him into leaving, Severus glancing the clock, obviously anxious to leave. Abby left the table, walking behind Severus and stopping to reach out and touch his face, smiling wildly and signing to Hermione.

"She likes your hair tied back," Hermione giggled, then became serious, the smile slipping form her face. "She wants to know how you…touched her ….her life she says. She must mean her mind… how did you touch her mind."

"May I?" He raised his eyebrow to Hermione in question.

He stood when she nodded, took the child by the hand and sat on the sofa, pushing the child on her knees in front of him. Leaning forward he placed his forehead against hers and with a silent incantation slipped into her mind as easily as he had the first time. He heard her heart sped up, and her breathing become uneven, he felt her frantic search for a way to enter his mind, instinctively rushing to him rather than allowing him to visit in hers. A sudden onslaught of images flew in front of him, Hogwarts, Spinner's End, Hermione as she stood in court, her hand pointing to Lucius… he gasped and put his hands on her shoulders, shoving her away from him as a picture of Hermione in a red dress and stiletto heels shattered behind his eyes.

He jumped to his feet, sucking air into his lungs, raking his hands though his hair and stalked across the room before turning back to see Hermione already on her knees pulling the crying girl to her.

"What the fuck was that?" he rasped out.

"What did you do to her?" Hermione raged as she stood, helping Abby up from the floor. "She is a child. Your have no right to push her around. You could have hurt her!"

"Me? Hermione I did not… I had to break the connection." His voice shook as he looked at the horror on Hermione's face.

"She was so excited to see you. She waited all week to have your sorry arse for dinner. Then you treat her like this. She is in tears. What am I suppose to tell her? What? That every son of a bitch I try to trust hurts her? That every sorry one of you treats us like shite? Just get the fuck out!"

"Hermione, you must explain to her. I in no way …"

"I don't care what you have to say. You are all alike! Sorry about leaving, sorry about the lies and the stories… get out. You don't get her yet. Not yet. And I plan to do everything I can to keep her away from you!"

"Hermione, I cannot have her see the things…"

"What? You arse! You who would fall on your knees in front of Voldemort and hide anything you wanted can't close your mind to a chid? You, an adult… how dare you! Get out! Get away from us!"

"Miss Granger, I was unprepared for a child such as she to be able to enter my mind. I am sure she has no idea what just happened but she…"

"You don't have to tell me what to do! We did fine without you! Now leave, just leave."

The next day Hermione pulled out her cell phone and flipped it open, hit the speed dial and listened to Harry's voice mail pick up. "Harry, please? I don't know if you are at work or if you forgot to charge your phone again. I need to talk. Please, this is the third time I've called." She sighed and went back to work, working her way through a stack of books, inputting the title, author, publisher and all other important information into the database. Hitting the enter key she looked up and saw the error response, and re-entered the information for the third time.

She couldn't keep her mind on her work, as mindless as she found it, and again flipped open her phone only to slam it down when she heard the voice mail activate again. She grabbed her purse and headed to the front desk.

"Alice, tell them I left. I don't feel well."

"Maggie," Alice called after her, "you only have twenty minutes left."

Hermione stopped and looked back, contemplating if she should stay. "Go on," Alice sighed. "I'll show your break at the end of your shift, but this is the last time."

"Thanks, but… I really have to leave." She turned and all but ran outside, flipping open her phone again, this time calling Neville.

"Hermione?"

"Who else calls you on your cell?" She smiled. "Neville, now look at it, see the picture on the outside… it should have lit up."

"Oh, yeah… but it says Maggie…"

"It always says Maggie… Neville I need to see you or Harry. I don't know what to do."

"What's wrong? I can be there in a few minutes."

Hermione closed her eyes, and sent a silent thank you. "That would be great Neville. I have to run an idea past you."

"Hermione, if this is about Abby… I know you don't want to hear this, but there is nothing you can do. Harry said…"

"Thanks Neville. Listen, sorry I called. I have to run out… I'll call you back later."

She flipped the phone closed, not waiting for a response, cursing Harry for talking about Abby behind her back and cursing Neville for listening.

That night after dinner, she took out a pad of paper and began to make a list of all the things she wanted to teach Abby before she left. She had wanted so much to be the one that took her for her first wand, and showed her the wonders and exotic smells of Diagon Alley. She wanted to see her face the first time her feet left the ground at her first broom lesson, and wanted to see her sitting under the sorting hat.

The wonders she would see, the fact that she _would _see. Hermione's hand paused over the list as she realized Abby would never see her. Never be able to pick her out of a crowd, or know that the woman in the back at her graduation was there for her. She rested her elbows on the kitchen table and covered her face, not wanting to cry and not knowing how to stop.

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Hermione took Abby's hand and pressed the palm to the side of her face as she smiled and nodded her head. Then taking the girl's hand, she cupped it over her own as she signed the letters that spelled out the statue's name. Again, she put the small hand against her face, positioning the little finger to her throat and the child's thumb to lie over her nasal cavity.

"Tinkerbelle," she said clearly and nodded again.

"Her name is on the list. That is quite unnecessary, Miss Granger. She will soon have her own voice."

"Tinkerbelle." The child's voice called out, her hand reaching up as Hermione locked her eyes on her ex-husband's.

Hermione watched Snape as she signed to the child, talking at the same time, the girl's hand back on her face. "Very good. That was a hard one, I thought I had you fooled. But you didn't fall for it, did you?"

The girl shook her head as she smiled happily, her voice a flat monotone. "Think I say Think or Belle?"

Hermione raised her eyebrow in surprise, and signed silently this time, not taking her eyes off Severus. "_Yes, yes I did, but I see you are too smart for me today. Now you need to do your reading, Miss Smarty-pants. I see someone we know. Be a good girl while I talk to him." _

Hermione lead the girl out of the sun, handed her a book and waited until she had sat with her fingers flying over the pages before turning back and acknowledging Severus. "What do you want Snape?"

"I have come for her. Term will start shortly and she…"

"No, she is not ready. All she knows is … I have told her what to expect but she needs…" Hermione looked back at Abby and bit her lip. "She will be scared. I was told someone from the Ministry would come for her. I expressly told them I did not want to see you."

"Madam Pomfrey is expecting her at St. Mungo's for her procedure, as is her… new family." He ignored her comments and pressed ahead.

"I see," Hermione went and kneeled by the girl wanting to reach for her hand, but not wanting to alarm her. "She only knows me as Maggie. I would appreciate it if you continued with that. She doesn't need to know more."

"I will ask you to tell her I am here. We will leave at once."

"No," Hermione stood and stepped back from the girl that still read her book. "I can't. Not today."

"You knew she would be coll…"

"Not yet, it's too soon. School doesn't start until September. That is soon enough."

"She needs medical treatment well before that, Miss Granger. You were advised of this."

"I don't care about any of that. She is mine," Hermione said, trying to sound firm only to hear her own voice break.

"Hermione, please. You are making this more difficult on yourself. You have known from the beginning that you are only her care taker and I must add, paid well for your services."

"She's all I have and I am all she knows," she admitted, felling the sting of tears. "Please, let's not do this yet."

"Will it be easier in a week? A month?"

"Take her," Hermione said, choking back tears. "Make a fist, with your thumb to the side, put it in her hand and she will know it starts today, but don't make me do this. I … I can't."

"She should know my name."

"Move your thumb to the front of your fist. S for Snape. She knows who you are." Hermione squatted down and picked up her jumper and purse. "She knows of Minerva and Madam Pomfrey's names as well, and of the procedure she will have. I will leave you then, I would say it has been good to see you but…" She looked up at him coldly.

"I thought we could…"

"No, I have things to do and I know you want to get back." She looked back at Abby. "She is a good girl. Her mind is like a steel trap. Once she understands something, she owns it and will not soon forget. She should be in Ravenclaw."

"You are welcome to …"

"No, take her. I am glad to be rid of her." Hermione stood, wiping her tears with the back of her hand and then turned on her heel, walking along the path up the gentle sloping ground of Hyde Park, not looking back when he called her name and not wanting to hear Abigail as she cried out for Maggie.

Later that week she received a hand delivered letter on official government stationary. She was at first surprised then seeing a small cheque realized it was the end of her contract of guardianship. Reading the short letter and knowing she could not count on the Ministry's help to retain guardianship she resolved to do what she could and made an appointment to see the Prime Minister.

"Miss Patterson," he said as she was shown into his office. "Come in, please. I am afraid this must be short but I did want to thank you for taking care of the Chisholm girl. How may I help you?"

"My pleasure." She sat primly and crossed her ankles, immediately thinking of Lydia, she uncrossed them and put her feet flat on the floor.

"I would like to keep you on retainer in case another emergency arises, however it does seem things have settled down."

"Yes, sir," she said quietly as she peered at the Daily Prophet he had on his desk. "Sir? Is that Kingsley Shacklebolt?"

"Yes, yes quite. You have been away a long time my dear, Mr. Shacklebolt is now my counter part. Quite a fine man from what I have seen."

"Yes, he is." She nodded and looked at the front page. "He deserves it. Sir, about Abby, Professor Snape said she had a new family."

"Well, yes. We can't have her running wild."

"He meant just during term right? Just as a contact…she will still come home in the summer and at the hols?"

"No, it is my understanding, and that of your Ministry that her placement is that of a formal adoption. She will not be returning. I was sure you had been briefed on the procedures."

"Well, yes and no. I was told, however I don't know if it was ever…formally decided on or just the idea of the time. I would more than gladly take on the responsibility of her."

"She is no longer our responsibility to give," he said frowning at her. "I quite agree with your Ministry. She needs to be kept…shall we say…apart…yes apart from normal people."

"She is normal," Hermione said, feeling her anger rise. "No one has questioned us and she had not had an episode since I have had her. It seems logical that she be kept with me."

"It is too late. I understand she had already been accepted into a family and the adoption in final."

"May I ask who?"

"I am afraid the records are sealed, Miss Patterson." He frowned at her. "I must ask you to sign this. It is merely a standard agreement to your continued silence on this matter. Is that a problem?"

"No, not at all." She stood, signed the paper quickly, and held out her hand to him. "If I can be of further assistance, please, do not hesitate to call."

"I won't, Miss Patterson." He was still standing as she rushed out the door.

He sat down and looked at the chair she had just been sitting in. With a shrug, he opened his bottom drawer and pulled out her file, then lifted the false bottom and placed it and Abigail's folder in the secret compartment. He had never seen her so emotional before, had never seen her eyes shine with tears or heard the tremble in her voice. He did not like dealing with these people and hoped now that the last of the special needs children had been taken away they would leave him alone.

.

.

Hermione heard the knock on the door and got up from her knees, holding her back and grimacing. When she had started packing up Abigail's belongings, she had not realized how much the girl owned. She had thought she was done until she looked under the bed and found the hoard of books and toys that she was now packing away.

"Coming," she called as the knocking came again. "Give it a rest already! I'm coming!"

She pulled the door open and saw Severus frowning at her. "If it is a bad time I will come back."

"It something wrong with Abby? The procedure? What happened?" She was at once concerned and stepped back to let him into her flat.

"She is doing well. She will have a series of treatments. The first has already been given. It will take at least four before she regains her sight and hearing. However, she is … refusing to dress correctly."

"Thought so," Hermione said and started down the hallway to the child's old room. "She goes by feel. She likes soft things, soft, warm, and sometimes fuzzy. She won't wear those awful coarse robes. Her new family should also know she doesn't like anything silky. For whatever reason it terrifies her. Her clothes are in the boxes by the window. You may as well take them as long as you are here. It will save me a trip to the Ministry."

He shrunk the boxes of clothes and tucked them in his pockets, standing and looking at the remaining boxes.

"I sometimes think she was badly abused when she was young. If it happened before she could communicate, she may not be able to let us know. I think if someone were to look into her mind, they may find the source of her fears. But not you. I don't want her scared more than I am sure she already is."

"I will mention it to the healers," he said softly. "What type of abuse are you worried about?"

"I think they … I think her parents smacked her around. She wouldn't have even known why." She looked up at him, her eyes welling with tears. "She attaches herself too quickly. She seeks approval and acceptance too readily. I am worried she will place her trust in the wrong person."

"As did you."

"Yes, as did I. Take them all," she said evenly, looking at the packed boxes, ignoring his response further. "Most, I am sure, will be thrown out, but if she has them near her at the beginning, it may make it easier for her to adjust. Tell her new family she will not use a glass either. Use a cup. I don't know why… she just never has. Once she gets her sight it will change, but … she needs time to adjust. She won't know what she is looking at, and to hear things will be overwhelming."

Severus began to shrink the extra boxes as she left the room, unable to watch. When he was done, he found her in the kitchen, putting on a pot of tea.

"I used to think you only made tea when you were angry at me," Severus commented flatly.

"I could never drink that much."

He leaned against the doorjamb, watching her. "Hermione, I did want to explain."

"Really? I don't think I want to hear it." She turned and folded her arms as she looked at him coldly. "And I don't think I want you here now. I was supposed to have Abby for another week. We had … made plans for her birthday."

"It's been five years. I would think you have had time to get over it by now."

"Over it?" She looked at him incredulously. "Over what? The lie? Or the fact that you pretended to love me while you had divorce papers sitting on your desk? The fact that you lied when you told me you wanted to work out things for the sake of your child? Or should I be over the fact that the first Saturday of every month, for almost two full years I sat waiting to see you only to have the guards send me away while you tried to kill yourself?"

"You have also had four years of freedom you would not have had if you had stayed married to me. For that, I will not apologise. I know you were tricked into a marriage that I was unable to undo until it was too late. I know you were lonely, Hermione, and I know I took advantage of that. That was my part in this mess, that I wanted you to accept me and when you did I went along with your … delusion."

"Delusion? I see. So, I should be _over _the way you treated me, because I am delusional? Or are you just saying your being with me was the mess?"

He pushed away for the doorframe and looked at her, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have come. If the need arises again I will send someone else."

"Please do." She pushed past him and yanked open the door, waiting for him to leave. "I was never your whore, Severus. Keep your bloody money. If you try to deposit money from that fucking villa in my account again, I will burn it. If I expected payment I would have set my price before sleeping with you."

He clenched his jaw and spun on his heel, walking quickly away.

"Severus?" She called to his back. "I never did hear if the Delphi accepted you."

He turned slowly and shook his head. "No, they did not. It appears that wizards without morals cannot advance. I have also been stripped of my title as Master. That should give you some comfort."

"I was just curious," she nodded and turned back, closing the door behind her. She leaned against the door thinking how it must have hurt to have his title removed. She closed her eyes and swallowed down the lump that had grown in her throat and thought of her own research, and how terribly long it had taken her to get to a dead end, and wondered if it had been successful and thrown back in her face how much more painful it would have been. She tried to imagine how a prideful man such as Severus would have reacted to the news.

She walked into the back bedroom and looked at the nearly empty room. All that was left was the unmade bed and empty furniture. Opening the cupboard, she saw nothing but empty hangers and bare shelves. Abby was gone, as she had known she someday would be, but it seemed too soon, too soon to give her back. Stepping back into the hallway she pulled the bedroom door shut and laid her head against it. It would be quieter now. So much quieter without a child banging around.

Remembering the tea she had left to brew, she returned to the kitchen to pour a cup of what she knew would be too dark and too bitter, left too long in the pot. Sitting at the table she pulled her cell phone from her pocket and flipped it open, hitting speed dial and waited for Harry to pick up.

"Hey kid," his voice greeted her.

"Snape took her."

"Abby? I thought she had until next week."

"So did I. But he came himself a few days ago and took her."

"How are you doing?"

"I just wanted to let you and Ginny know the party is off." She looked out the window and bit her lip. "And I don't appreciate your lies. You knew he was coming to get her."

"I … I planned to tell you, Hermione, but he wasn't due until next week."

"Harry? Do you know who is taking her? And don't lie to me again."

"Hermione, you knew this was coming."

"I know. I just want to know where she is."

"I couldn't tell you even if I knew. You know that. Now tell me, do you need company?"

"Since I am no longer in a position to argue I will let you go. If you hear she needs anything I can help with just give me a call if I am allowed that luxury."

She flipped the phone closed, not waiting for Harry's response, only to roll her eyes as the phone started to vibrate.

"What now, Harry?" she said tiredly.

"Don't cut me off, until you answer me. I asked if you are okay. Do you need company?"

"No, I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Harry, I am fine. Don't make me sorry I called. I am sure you have better things to do."

"Okay, then … we were just worried."

"Really? I think I hear _your _children, Harry. Tell me, how would you feel if some one yanked them away?"

She flipped the phone shut again as she stood to start sorting the room again. Since selling her parents house she had enough money to pay the rent, and her part time job could now become full time since she no longer had to juggle school schedules, meal times and baths. Working at the library did not pay well, it was mindless work, but she found it calming and allowed her mind to be free to think of other things. Laura had finished school, and since Hermione no longer needed to pay her to tend to Abby, she would finally have the funds she needed for a project she had been working on.

She disassembled the bed, stacking the pieces in the cupboard, then cramming the mattress in as well and forced the door closed. She stood looking at the door, hoping it would not spring open and finally sighed to see that it worked. The dresser she would use for her files, and dragging in the table she had until now squeezed into the sitting area, she set up a passable office. If she continued to sleep on the sofa, she could at last have a place to work.

Now that she had thought of Severus's work, she could not get it out of her mind. She knew the premise was correct, the theory easy to prove, the application, flawless. Damn them, she thought. They would rather keep to the ways they had always known instead of accepting what he had handed to them. She had often wondered why he had not sold his ideas. There was money to be made. A fortune alone in ruined and wasted ingredients, not even counting the hours of work that could be saved. She also knew that he would have no part of it.

A few days later, she was still waking early enough to spend time with Abby before going to work, only now the empty time stretched into endless memories. Glancing at the clock, she decided to leave early to catch the train. If she were late one more time, she would be looking for a new job. Stepping out onto the busy pavement she hugged her bag to her chest and watched the sidewalk as she moved along, hating the noise and the traffic. She quickly darted between the slowly moving cars and made it to the coffee shop to have a morning latte, which had become a habit of hers.

**A/N: The rest of this chapter was not included in the original posting. It was cut as I thought it was unnecessary but recent comments now have me second guessing that. So… following is the chapter I pulled from the original. **

**Chapter 46.5**

**S**everus took Abigail to St. Mungos' where he was to leave her for the first of several procedures that would be carried out that week. He was shown to a room to await the Mediwitch that would be responsible for her short stay in the hospital anxious to transfer his charge of the youngster and return to more pressing things on his agenda.

"Professor, thank you for waiting." They young woman said crisply, pulling a chair close to the girl and beginning the examination. As soon as she touched Abby the girl' hand flew up and started to wave frantically, strange unrecognizable sounds spilling from her mouth. "My goodness, I thought she had at least some language."

"She does," Severus said slowly unable to find anything coherent. Catching her hand, he dragged it to his face and positioned it as he had seen Hermione do. Before he could speak, Abby had flung her arms around his neck and pulled herself up, until her feet were off the floor and wrapped around his waist.

"Maggie," she wailed, tears wetting Severus' neck as she buried her head and hiccupped into him. "My Maggie come."

"Maggie? I thought she didn't have a family," the Mediwitch said in surprise.

"She does not. This…this Maggie was her teacher."

"She is rather old to be acting like this."

"She is…uncomfortable," Severus said, at loss for words as the child hung on to him, tightening her hold every time he tried to dislodge her arms.

"Sir, it may be easier if you were to sit with her. I can finish my evaluation with her on your lap."

Severus nodded and sat awkwardly with Abby as the Mediwitch passed a wand over the child and scratched her notes onto a clipboard. "She seems to be in good heath and a prime candidate for the procedure. The only reservation I have is knowing if the family that has agreed to take her is aware of her…other problems."

"Madam, she had just been ripped away from everything she knows. It will take her a while to adjust." He managed to pull her arms down and turn her around so her back was now to his chest. "I am sure who ever has agreed to take her will understand what she had been through."

"We can only hope." The Mediwitch stood and indicated the small bed in the corner. "She will stay here until the procedures are over. You may put her there."

Snape stood with Abby and deposited her in the middle of the bed, cringing as a fresh wail filled the room. Yanking her hand to his face he frowned and shook his head, surprised when she instantly calmed and nodded up at him.

"I go," Abby said, reaching for his hand, unable to reach him as he stepped back from her.

"She does seem to understand…watch out… " the Mediwitch reached out to catch Abby who was tottering on the edge of the bed, her hand flaying in the air, trying to touch Severus as he pushed her aside and snatched up the falling child.

"We will have to restrain her once the procedures start." A Healer said from the doorway. "Good day, Professor."

"Healer Gibbons," he nodded in greeting.

"I won't have all our work for naught because she can not be controlled.


	47. For a Cup of Coffee

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 47**

**For a Cup of Coffee**

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Harry began running as soon as his feet hit the ground. He pushed his way through the students lined up in the staircase waiting to be sorted and rushed past Neville without a word, focused on reaching the staff table. All but flying across the room, he charged up onto the dais as Severus stood up, seeing his dash across the room.

"It's Hermione," Potter gasped. "You need to come. Something is wrong. She was taken to the hospital today and they won't let me or anyone into see her."

"And why would they allow me to…"

"Listen, I don't give a fuck what is between you two, but you are coming if I have to stun you." Harry planted his feet apart and pulled his wand, holding it down at the floor but ready to level it at him.

"What is the nature of her injury?"

"I don't know. There was an explosion near her flat. " Harry ran his hand through his hair. "Ginny seems to think if you bring your marriage certificate and forget the divorce decree they may let you in."

Snape began down the aisle toward the doors with Harry at his heels. "If she could not read them what makes you think a Muggle could?"

"Snape, they have reported three dead and won't give us any information. I'm grabbing at straws here."

"What was the nature of the explosion," Severus asked as he took the stairs two at a time leaving Harry to run after him.

"One of those car bombings, she must have stopped for of a cup of…"

"How long ago?" Snape cut in as he hurried to his chambers.

"About… I think…"

"Stop thinking, Potter. You were never good at it." He all but ripped off his robes and grabbed a Muggle button-down shirt from his cupboard.

"Two hours."

"Fuck! Have you … no you would not think that far. Floo Poppy. Tell her to put on Muggle clothing and step through."

Harry ran to the fireplace and fell on his knees, pleading with her to hurry. He looked back over his shoulder and saw Snape walk into the room, wearing dark trousers and a white shirt, his hair pulled back and tied, and a black coat slung over his arm.

"No dragon boots," Harry said without thinking.

"Somehow I do not think anyone will notice my boots, Potter."

"My Goodness," Madam Pomfrey walked out of the fireplace. "What is this about?"

Severus grabbed her arm and dragged her down the steps as Potter ran behind them explaining as they hurried to the gates. Once there, Harry stepped between them, and took them in a side-a-long to the alley behind the Muggle hospital.

"Potter," Severus yanked him back into alley, after seeing the cars that lined the street and police tape warding off the area. "Go to Kingsley. Demand that he contact the Prime Minister and get our names on the visitors' list. She may be using a different name… she may..."

"I know," Harry spat, and pulled his arm back. "Maggie Patterson. It's a zoo in there. The place is so thick with reporters you can't get through the door."

Then, go," Severus gave him a shove. "We will be in the café across street."

He and Poppy could not find a table in the crowed café. News reporters and curious spectators lined the curb, watching the hospital doors for an update on the injured. Poppy leaned against the building as they continued to wait, afraid she would soon have to leave as she grew tired of standing.

"Hey, mate." A man stood from one of the sidewalk tables and waved Severus over to him. "We are leaving now, and ... is that your Gran?"

Severus turned back to look at Madam Pomfrey and saw her through the eyes of this stranger. _When had she gotten so old_, he thought, suddenly concerned at her flushed face and the way she fanned herself.

"Yes," Severus turned back. "I would be most appreciative if you could wait until I collect her."

"Sure mate," the man laughed as his wife and children gathered up their packages. "Hate to see her standing there. Looks like she's gonna faint dead away."

Severus hurried back and guided Poppy to the table, again thanking the family and going inside to fetch Poppy a cup of tea and a glass of cold water. He kept looking at the clock, wondering what was taking Potter so long as they sat with their tea. Over two hours had passed before Poppy grabbed his arm and nodded to the alleyway that Potter had just run out of.

"Sorry, " Harry said breathlessly from his run. "We had to get security clearance. Madam Pomfrey, you are now Mrs. Patterson…Maggie's grandmother, and … Snape… I umm."

Severus turned on his heel and strode to the hospital's double doors. "Snape, I tried. Kingsley tried."

"I am sure you did," Severus said with a sneer. "I should have not expected less."

"Young man," Poppy grabbed Harry's elbow, "explain yourself."

"I got my name listed as her brother, Harry Patterson, but Snape here is a convicted felon, even Kingsley couldn't do it."

"Nothing a little Imperius won't solve," Snape snorted.

"For Merlin's sake, Snape," Harry yanked him back. "You would go back to Azkaban to get in there for five minutes? That's all you would get you know, our own Ministry is on this like flies."

"Five minutes is enough," Snape spat, and grabbed Poppy's arm. "How long would you sit in Azkaban for your wife Mr. Potter?"

"She's not your…" Harry started, then stopped, seeing the thunderous look on Snape's face. "Here, my pass doesn't give any age… just….go. I warn you Snape… you say one thing out of line … just…"

Severus had snatched the pass from Harry and was already out of earshot before Harry could finish barking out his demands. He paused in the lobby until Poppy could catch up with him, and taking her elbow, walked her through the metal detectors and security check-points. By the third stop he was losing his patience, and demanded that they let him through. Double-checking the name of the patient he was visiting, the security officer called and directed a porter to take them the rest of the way.

"Sorry, sir," the officer had shrugged. "Got to keep the press out ya know. Down on us like vultures they are. The victim's families have the eighth floor to themselves. Should give you some privacy. The police will want to see you after you check in on her."

Severus muttered something about being familiar with the same thing as he waited for the porter to appear. Once he arrived, they were taken to a goods lift to be whisked up stairs.

"Not fancy, but not crowded this way." The porter kept his eyes on the flashing white numbers that counted out the floors as the lift rose. "They are setting up a family room and will bring in some tea if you get hungry later. It's easier than facing the cameras just to get a bite, if ya know what I mean."

"That would be lovely." Poppy, held Severus' arm. "Who do we see about transferring my granddaughter?"

The porter dropped his eyes from the numbers and stared at her. "They got the bad ones up on eight. That's where we're going. I think you had better think twice about trying to move her. Ask for Dr. Hayden. She's the best. Remember… Dr. Hayden, not those other blokes. She used to work in the army, she's seen this sort of thing before."

Severus took Poppy's elbow and found the nurses' station where he inquired as to the whereabouts of one Maggie Patterson.

"She hasn't woken up yet." Nurse Practitioner Carol Sullivan, was printed in bold letters on her nametag. "I can let you see her…but only for a moment."

They followed her down the tiled hallway, smelling the disinfectant that hung in the air, and heard soft crying coming from behind the door that had a sign, declaring it the Family Room.

"Before we go in I want you to understand what you are going to see," Nurse Sullivan looked at Poppy kindly.

"Young woman, I am a nurse myself, so just let me in."

"Even so, just remember," she looked directly at Severus, "her face looks worse than it is. Couple of black eyes, and she is swollen, but we don't think her sight will be damaged, and once the soft tissue damage has healed there shouldn't be any facial scarring. We don't know about her hearing yet, she was over the blast, sometimes it is not as loud there, less concussion to harm the ears. The serious injuries don't show."

Nurse Sullivan pushed the door open and directed them into the room where Hermione lay. "She got out of surgery about an hour ago. They managed to stop the bleeding and she seems to be holding her own. But, there is some serious swelling to her brain, and she will probably need more surgery to help relieve that. We're monitoring her closely and still waiting for some tests to come back."

"May we have a moment with her? Alone." Severus ground out.

"Just ten minutes to start with, there's still a lot we need to do to help her," Nurse Sullivan said flatly. "You can wait the rest of the time in the Family Room."

"Leave us," Severus spat looking down at a woman he could hardly recognize.

"He is upset," Poppy patted the nurse's arm. "He is very close to his sister."

"You keep an eye on him," Nurse Sullivan smiled at Poppy's wink. "If you need anything push the button."

"Poppy, hurry," Severus whispered as soon as the door closed.

"My gods," Poppy clicked her tongue, tisking her disapproval. "We need to get her to St. Mungo's but Apparation would kill her."

Poppy already had her wand in her hand, tracing over the incisions and healing the small bleeders they had missed.

"Other than her head, it's her spleen that took the worse of it. At least you can be pleased they didn't take it out. They do that you know," she said looking up at Severus. "The bones will mend, but the head injury is what is going to keep her here."

Severus pulled down the blanket and began to heal the broken bones in her ankles. Wincing at the condition they were in. "It almost appears as if she jumped," he muttered.

"The Parking Garage was underground," Poppy said. "It's possible if she were over it as the doctor… Severus, be careful … no, leave the bruises. Bruises are what these stupid Muggles see. Let them run their x-what ever machines and think she had a bad sprain. We don't want to be too obvious."

"Tell me the truth, Poppy." He stopped moving his wand and at Hermione's battered and swollen body..

"Four ribs, and one punctured her lung," Poppy looked up at Severus sadly. "Her back Severus. Leave her, please, no more."

"What is it?"

"Her back, it would be a simple heal at St. Mungo's, but beyond me. If I miss… if I… she could be paralyzed. Even with all our magic they couldn't help her then. It's too high."

Severus leaned over the bed and pushed a lock of hair away from her face that lay unmoving on the pillow. He wanted to rip out the tubes that snaked up her nose and rip off the monitoring leads with odd adhesive tabs that were stuck in her hair and on her chest. He gently kissed her forehead and stood back up looking coldly at Poppy.

"Get Potter. Tell him what potions you need to stabilize her. Once she is well enough have Kingsley arrange for an ambulance to take her out of here."

"And if he refuses?"

"Then I will take care of it myself," he said with a smirk. "Come Poppy, we fought Voldemort together. Do you really think Nurse Sullivan can stop us?"

"I'll try," she sighed. "You promise me young man, promise me not to do anything until I return."

"I make no promises." He turned back to look at Hermione. "It seems the ones I do make have a way of failing."

Poppy left at once to find Harry and start collecting what they would need from St. Mungo's. As she left, Severus pulled a chair as close to the bed as he could and sat, taking up one of Hermione's hands and lifting it to his lips. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, wanting to smell the familiar scent of her soap and feeling a loss when all he could smell was the stench of smoke.

"Mr. Patterson?" Nurse Sullivan walked up behind him. "I have to ask you to leave now."

"No, It is better if I stay here." He tried to keep his voice from cracking but knew he had failed.

"We haven't had time to bathe her completely," she said seeing him holding Hermione's hand to his face. "They got her out before the fire was even close to her, but she still would smell like it."

"I understand," he said softly, again reaching to push Hermione's hair back from her face.

"Listen," she looked back at the door before saying anything. "I know you are not her brother, but I don't care, just so long as you mind yourself. We are busy right now; lots more didn't make it, and those that did require a lot of help. My shift is up at eleven, you can sit here until then, but then you clear out. The night shift won't put up with you."

"Understood," he said evenly. "I need to talk to her doctor."

"Yeah, you and nine others," she muttered. "She's in surgery. When things calm down she'll be in. Right now she just needs to wake up," she sighed. "If the swelling keeps up we … what I said earlier, I shouldn't really say anything without the doctor. But she'll either need to put a shunt in to drain the fluid, or she can open … her skull to give the swelling room and not damage the brain further, if we don't do anything she could die. Do you understand?"

"Miss Sullivan, I do know enough about her medical condition to know the seriousness. I also know you have not mentioned that her 6th, 7th and 8th vertebrae have been compromised."

"One thing at a time," she sighed. "Mr. Patterson, we thought we had lost her when they brought her in, but the surgeon got to her before she bled out. Now, we have to get the brain oedema down, then we can worry about the rest."

"Mr. Patterson," Dr Hayden said crisply as she entered the room, and placed a tray on the nightstand. "I am glad to see you are here. We didn't have a family contact and need a consent form signed."

"Dr. Hayden," Severus nodded in greeting.

"We have her sedated but we are going to need to put her into a drug induced coma. It is the best thing," she said flatly, and looked over at Hermione. "I need to know what her wishes would be on extraordinary measures."

"Extraordinary measures?" Severus repeated with a scowl, not liking the sound of it.

"If she dies, would she want us to try to bring her back? At that point there would be severe brain damage." She looked up at him and waited for his response.

"I … I will not make that decision for her," he said firmly.

"I had planned to wake her long enough for her to decide," she sighed. "You will have a few moments to say good-bye if you would like, or you may step outside."

"I will stay," he watched her take a syringe from the tray, insert it into the I.V. tube and push the plunger.

"It should only take a moment," she said, turning and putting her hand on the doorknob. "Let the nurse know her decision if I don't make it back. I have to go back to surgery, and Mr. Patterson, you do have my sympathy. However, I hope that you use what little time you have together wisely."

He sat and watched Hermione's eyes flutter open, then slowly close again. He rose and leaned over, putting his mouth close to her ear.

"Witch, wake up," he whispered. "I am here to grovel."

Her eyes fluttered open as her forehead wrinkled in thought. "Severus?" she choked out, fighting through a cough.

"Ah," he tried to smile at her. "That is a start. I thought your name for me was bastard."

"Bastard," she tried to grin, but winced at the attempt.

"Shh." He stroked her head. "There was an accident. You are in a hospital, a Muggle hospital. You need to stay still."

"I remember, when they brought me …" she said weakly and closed her eyes. "I was going to work…I woke up ..in an ambulance. Then… nothing."

"Hermione, please," he pleaded. "I want you to listen to me, I need you to stay with me. You need to fight."

"Ah, good," Dr Hayden said, walking back into the room and up to the bed. "Miss Patterson, you have been in a very serious accident and we need to perform certain medical procedures including surgery. We have nothing on file for you and need to know your final wishes as to life support."

Hermione licked her lips and tried to move.

"No." Severus put a hand on her shoulder to hold her still as he reached into the cup next to her bed and took an ice chip to dab on her lips. "Leave us alone."

"She needs to know what can happen," the doctor said.

"She says no, she will not…she is in no condition to make this choice. I will talk for her."

"Miss Patterson?" Dr. Hayden turned to Hermione. "Do you or do you not, want us to use any means possible to keep you alive."

Hermione closed her eyes and heard his voice, _finish it. _She saw her father as he had held the woman he loved, and saw Remus as he laid on the table next to his Tonks. _Finish it, _echoed in her ears as she had heard it so long ago_. _She smelled the blood and struggled to open her eyes, knowing it was her own, and knowing she had something to stay for that they had not.

Reaching up her arm only to have it fall at her side, she searched for his eyes. As he lifted her hand and kissed her palm before pressing it against his cheek, she smiled. And as he leaned down and gently brushed her lips with his, she knew she would never be alone again. Gingerly she snaked her hand under his collar and let her fingers run along his scar.

"I love you," she whispered to him, and saw him nod at her, then lean to her ear and repeat the declaration back to her.

"Miss Patterson? I need an answer."

"You just got it," Severus choked, "she's staying here with me. Now leave."

"Quite so," Poppy said from the door. "This girl is being transferred."

"Her file is there," Severus said, nodding to the nightstand.

"You cannot expect to transfer her in this condition!" Dr Hayden stepped to the bed in an attempt to stand between Severus and Hermione. "It will kill her!"

"Read this, it's a clearance, signed by the Prime Minister." Harry stood at the door holding a paper.

The doctor ripped the paper out of his hands and read it quickly, furiously calling down the hall for the porter. "Get security up here, and do it now."

"You have what you need," Severus growled at her. "Now get the bloody hell out of here while we get her ready."

Harry gently pushed the doctor into the hallway and pulled the door shut. "You two better hurry."

"Harry?" Hermione heard his voice and tried to raise her head to see him.

"None of that," Poppy said pushing her flat. "Hermione, listen you have … a broken neck as it is. It is an easy fix once we get you to St. Mungo's but until then you are to lay still and not move your head. It will be fine unless something cuts into the spinal column, now be still."

"I know, but is that Harry?"

"Right here," he stepped up to where she could see him.

"Now look me in the face and tell me who signed that," she said with a smirk.

"Okay, so … a little lie… now let's get moving."

"Potter?" Severus stopped opening the vial Poppy had handed him, and snapped his head up to look at Harry.

"He will sign it, only not right now. He has to check with his legal department and… Snape we don't have that kind of time." Harry looked at Hermione sheepishly. "We have to hurry."

"Agreed," Severus resumed his work on opening the vial. "I must say, Potter, your ability to think stunned me."

"First we have to get rid of all this," Poppy said and waved her arm at the leads and tubes.

"Potter, find the nurse, ask for Sullivan," Severus went back to the bed and laid his hand on Hermione's head. "Hermione? Try to stay awake, just a couple more minutes."

"Severus, it hurts. My head…" She looked up at him groggily and reached for his face again. "I am glad you came."

"Miss Granger," he smirked. "It is I that was glad if you remember correctly."

She followed his eyes, looking up at the green readouts with him and grimaced. "I guess at the beginning I was throwing off so much magic none of them would work. They told me why I am here, but I don't remember anything before waking up in the ambulance."

He looked back at her and nodded then reached out taking her hand in both of his, turning it over and rubbing it between his own. "Potter should be back soon. In the mean time, you should be able to drink the potion. I want you to stay awake. Please, Hermione, do this one thing for me."

"Wait until her tubes are removed," Poppy said softly. "We do not want her choking when we are this close."

"I need to tell you that I…"

"Shut up, Granger," he smirked at her.

"I'm scared. If something happens I want you to know…"

"Last time we had this conversation it was my bed you were laying in. I won't have it here." He said evenly. "I won't lose you a second… or is this the third time?"

"Sixth," Poppy supplied with her head still buried in the hospital file

"Poppy," Severus said as he turned scowling at her. "Now is not the time."

"Severus, I am serious… you need to know…" Hermione started to cough and let out a short gasp of pain.

"Wife," he muttered, "stay with me. Please, Hermione, don't do this. Not now, please. I need you, you have no idea how much."

"We are out of time," Poppy said, seeing Hermione's colour. "Give her the potion while she can still swallow on her own."

"No… the journals… I have to tell you… my research… please… and… my Abby…I…" She felt the sweet potion run down her throat and heard them calling her name. She fought to open her eyes, to call out to him, to tell him what she needed to say, but felt a cold darkness seeping into her mind.

"Poppy!" Severus called the Mediwitch, alarmed that she had fallen back asleep.

"The potion will start soon." She pried open one lid and peered into her eyes then started ripping the pads off her chest. "We don't have time. Damned Muggles! We leave now!"

She removed the tube from Hermione's nose, as Severus threw the I.V. bag still attached to her arm onto the bed. Poppy then kicked the brake loose from the wheels of the bed, slamming up the sides and locking them in place then yanked the bed from the wall. Severus began to push as she opened the door and guided him out and together they ran the way they came, hoping the ambulance was waiting.

"Stop it," Nurse Sullivan ran after them, Harry at her heels. "I'll ride down with you, she needs that I.V. taken out if you are going to be bumping her around."

"Thank-you," Poppy sighed as the lift lurched downward. "I have never…"

"Listen, I can lose my job for saying this," the nurse spoke quickly. "She's not going to make it here. They wouldn't put her at the bottom of the surgical list if they thought she could. They have to take care of those that have a chance first. "

"That's outrageous," Harry fumed. "How can …"

"Dr Hayden is the best," the nurse glared at him. "But is also realistic and won't let three die to try to save one. And this one … I'm sorry. I hope wherever you are taking her can help. You have the charts and x-rays in the files. They will save her new doctor time."

Severus took a deep breath as the lift came to a halt and snapped at Harry to open the grate, anxious to get Hermione to the ambulance that waited just outside the door.


	48. Waiting

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 48**

**Waiting**

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Severus stood silently looking out at the Muggle street below. His hands clasped behind his back as he waited on word of Hermione. He could hear Ginny's quiet sobs as she sat with her head on Harry's shoulder, and Hannah's occasional sniffles. He wanted to shout, to slam his fist into the wall, to find the bastard that had planted the bomb and hoped that whoever it was that had, had blown himself up as well. He thought of Azkaban, and thought if he could only make her well, he would go back gladly and this time stay alive for her.

"Snape?" Neville called him out of his thoughts. "Here. Black, right?"

Neville handed him a paper cup full of tea, then turned to look out the window as well. "I used to think waiting was the hard part. I learned that the longer you wait the more hope there is."

Severus turned back to him, studying his face and scowling. "You have spent a better portion of you life in this place. How long do you plan on waiting?"

"Forever, if I have to. And yes, when I was young Gran brought me here every day. As I grew older, every Sunday. Now, I try to make it as often as I can. I don't want to see Hermione that way. Given a choice…I would rather let her go, as should you."

"No, it's not what I would rather," Severus sighed, as he sipped his tea. "She will be fine."

"That is what we all want," Neville drank his tea, watching Severus closely.

"I know what you are implying, Longbottom," he sighed. "She will be fine, because she must."

Madam Pomfrey stepped into the waiting room, pulling a surgical mask from her face. "She is in recovery."

"How is she," Ronald jumped to his feet, waking Lavender who had just managed to fall asleep with her head on his lap.

"Is she awake?" Harry asked.

"Now, wait," Poppy said, holding up her hands as everyone started asking questions and expected an easy answer. "She will not wake for a while yet. They had to…they operated to relieve the pressure. It is a Muggle procedure that often works."

"Poppy?" Severus frowned at her. "Tell me the truth."

"Her neck is mended, it will be sore for a while but no longer a danger. They have repaired the broken bones and the smaller internal injuries that were missed."

"And?" he snarled.

"They put in a shunt. The pressure has been removed, but …" she wiped her sleeve over her face. "They are keeping her … oh, Severus, she is not well. They called in a Muggle specialist. He is squib but still… Muggle medicine and that horrid thing in her skull. They are not sure it will be enough. We didn't get to her quick enough."

Severus crossed the room and pulled Poppy into his chest, laying his cheek on the top of her head and held her quietly for a few moments. "You are tired. Neville, Poppy needs to go home and rest."

"No, I am fine."

"You are not. You could barely stand before all this started and you look exhausted now." He waved Neville over and transferred Poppy to him. "We will need you when Hermione is well enough to come home. I would not trust anyone else to tend her."

He turned back to the window when they had left; leaving the rest to talk among themselves and listening as they set schedules to make sure someone was there around the clock. He heard the door open and spun around at the sound of Draco's voice.

"I just spoke to Neville, no one told us what was going on," Draco said softly.

"She can't have visitors yet," Lavender said, as she gave him a weak hug. "Is Astoria coming?"

Draco glanced at Severus and shook his head. "No, she thought it best if she stayed back. With three of the staff here, she said they might need her. Morning meal is almost ready to start. The Great Hall will be in an uproar if this makes the front page."

"I need to run," Hannah said. "I completely forgot about the time. As soon as the breakfast crowd is over I'll be back."

"No," Severus said as he lowered his head and looked at her from under his brows. "I would think in your… condition… you need to rest after being up all night."

"How did you…" Hannah bit her lip and looked around at the curious faces.

"You were never the slenderest of witches Mrs. Longbottom, but I have never noticed your breasts as large as…"

"That's enough." She grabbed her robes and headed for the door.

"I trust you are taking a taxi and not…"

"Professor, I do not need someone to hover over me," she said amused at his concern.

"Mr. Weasley? Since her husband is no longer here perhaps you will escort her home?"

"Sure," Ron said, grinning. "I'm surprised Longbottom didn't have it posted on the front page of the Prophet."

"I don't need help," Hannah glared at Snape.

"Yes you do," Harry laughed and pulled Ginny up by the hand. "Come on, Ron, Lav, we want breakfast anyway. We will see you back. Professor, you will let me know as soon as there is a change?"

Soon only Draco and Severus remained in the room. An uncomfortable silence fell on them as Draco flopped in one to the chairs not wanting to leave, and not wanting to stay. Up until now he had managed to avoid being alone with Snape. It had been hard when he first returned and took up residence in his old dungeon quarters. Minerva had coerced him into teaching again, although Draco was sure he liked it no better now than he had in the past.

"I am leaving Hogwarts," Draco sighed. "Astoria wants more room now that we have Scorpius, who you have not bothered to see. As it is, he is knocking into walls already."

"Toy brooms are intended to be used outside." Snape quipped. "He is too young."

"I had one at his age."

"I remember," Severus sighed. "Your mother was furious when Lucius brought it home. You, just walking, and already being trained to sit a broom."

"I remember when I was six, it was you that showed me how to fly upside down," Draco mused.

"Yes," Severus said as he crossed over to sit opposite Draco. "I thought it better that you learn correctly than the foolish way your…"

"That my father did?"

"Yes. Your mother was once a beautiful and intelligent witch. I used to envy your father for his family, his wealth, everything he had. He seemed to have everything I wanted. Then, I sat back and watched him throw it slowly away in his bid for power. I was too blinded by my … my feelings for your mother to see what she had become."

"You and my mother?"

"No, not that way," Severus quipped, leaned back, stretching out his legs and almost grinning at his memories. "She was the first true witch that made me feel welcomed here. She was a fifth year when I first came to Hogwarts. In those days, Slughorn assigned one of the older students to the little firsties, a sort of mentor if you will. She was kind, and good to me. I don't think I had felt as welcomed anyplace before or since." He leaned forward, putting his arms on his knees and looking at the floor. "She has gone mad, Draco. As mad as her sister, Bellatrix. I lay the fault at your father's feet."

"She rots in that…"

"She is mad. She…Draco, I cannot, and will not, beg your forgiveness. In time, you may come to realize that what we must do is not always what we want to do. I did not want to take an old friend's life. I wanted to, and did, stop the monster he had become."

"You killed my father."

"No," Snape locked his eyes on his godson's face. "I killed the monster. Your father died long ago. I cannot tell you when, or where as his death was long in the making."

"Professor?" A Mediwitch poked her head into the door. "Hurry, please. She is awake and asking for you."

Severus rushed to Hermione's room wanting to push the Mediwitch out of his way as he heard Hermione's feeble attempts to talk. Unable to answer their simplest questions correctly, the Muggle Doctor smiled and patted her hand before turning to Severus.

"It sounds worse than it is. She is talking and understands the questions. The answers will come." He glanced back over his shoulder at Hermione. "Sometimes they cannot attach the correct word to what they are thinking. She may want to say… _please_ and say… _cat_… instead. If she sounds illogical keep this in mind."

"This is Hermione Granger you speak of," he said with a smirk. "I didn't understand her half the time before this."

The Healer chuckled and nodded his head. "I know. I have a daughter like that. I am afraid she is going to be yours next term. She turned eleven last month."

"She will be well?" Severus asked hesitantly.

"We don't know yet. She is aware of the dangers. If the swelling persists, if the pressure does not continue to come down… we won't know for a couple of days. She is heavily sedated and will be in and out of sleep. Professor, if she isn't going to make it, and I am not telling you she isn't I am saying I don't know, putting her into a coma at this point would do her no good. I suggest you make the most of the next couple of days. God willing she will have many more. You do need to be aware that if it worsens, and it could happen quickly, we can put her into a coma or let her go. Someone has to make the decision."

"She needs to fight," Severus said looking over the doctor's shoulder at Hermione. "Give her that chance."

"I will leave the drugs with the Healer assigned to her then. I wish her luck."

Severus leaned over Hermione as her eyes fought to focus on his face. "You… still here?"

"Yes, I don't plan on running away this time." He brushed the hair from her face. "It's tomorrow. We had you transferred to St. Mungo's. They have put in a shunt to drain the pressure from you head. Do you understand what that means?"

"My hair is a mess," she tried to grin.

"Hermione? Do you…"

"Shut up, I know. I know. Let's not talk of death and storms right now."

"Do you … need anything?"

"It tastes like a dragon farted in my mouth… I want my brush," he licked her lips and tore her eyes away form his face. "I want Abby."

"Hermione, she …"

"I want to see her," she whispered, her eyes welling with tears. "Severus, I am afraid… I need to see her in case … she needn't know who I am. Please? I want to see her one more time."

"I will collect her if you promise not to move. Do you hear me?"

"Severus?" She reached for his hand. "Forgive me?"

"There is nothing…"

"I should have talked to you. I should have …" she swallowed as her eyes drifted shut and reopened as she fought to reach his hand. "I'm afraid to sleep."

"Hush," he whispered, knowing it was death she feared. "I will be with you when you wake, and you will wake. Here, in this bed."

Severus returned with Abby to find a flurry of activity in Hermione's room. The Healer looked up as the door opened, expecting the night Mediwitch. "Get out, I'll see you when I am done. Nurse, get them the bloody hell out of here."

The nurse scurried over, pushing Severus toward the door, then finally yanked Abby's hand from his and pulled the child into the hallway. When they were in the hallway and Hermione's door closed, the nurse squatted down to Abby.

"It's not as bad as it looks. Did it scare you?"

Abby shook her head and worried her lip. "Thing… thing stuck… here," she stammered pointing to her own head, where Hermione's shunt had been placed.

"That little thing?" The nurse said as if amazed. "Well I don't know for sure. Such a little thing. She doesn't feel it and the tubes don't mean anything at all. Now, you go on while I talk to the Professor."

"I eleven." Abby stomped her foot and scowled. "Eleven not stupid!"

"Abby," Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "We have spoken of this. Now do as you are told."

"She has a temper," the nurse laughed.

"As does her mother."

"Poor dear, this is _Miss_… you said it is _Miss_ Granger's child?"

"No, I have no idea who her mother is. It is however, my experience, that females with such attitudes inherit them from the mother's side."

"I see. You must be friends with the father." She said flatly and turned back to Hermione's room.

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The healers let Hermione wake two weeks later when they removed the shunt and brought her out of the coma they had placed her in, proudly declaring the swelling within safe limits and no longer a threat. Although they cautioned Minerva and Severus not to be disappointed if she did not respond, as they desired, they assured them she should make a full recovery.

"However," the Healer said looking directly at Abby, "she is not to get excited and any excess noise from you, young lady, will not be tolerated."

Abby nodded her head and chewed her lip, craning her neck up at her Aunt Minerva. "Whose it?"

"Miss Granger, say it slowly," Minerva said for at least the tenth time since leaving Hogwarts. "Really, Severus, this is most ill advised."

"She wanted to see the child."

"Fine," Minerva said as she transferred Abby's hand from her own to Severus'. "Don't say you were not warned, and do keep a close eye on her left hand for stray magic."

He smirked, and then turned on his heel, taking Abby in to see Hermione, knowing that she would not know who lay in the bed.

"Abby?" Hermione rose up on her elbows and smiled widely. "How grown up you look in those robes."

"Daddy?" Abby turned and looked up at Severus frowning. "Miss what?"

Severus locked his eyes on Hermione's, as he leaned down and said _Granger_. He then took the child's hand and approached the bed.

"Why… how…Severus? You? Why didn't…. I…"

"Bait, I plan on dangling her in front of you," Severus said with a smirk. "I am not above using children to get what I want."

"Git."

"Know-it-all."

"Daddy?"

Hermione laughed and laid back on the bed, reaching out for Abby. "Come here. I have something to … to tell you if it's okay with your _Daddy_."

"It's fine," Severus gently put his hand on the child's back and guided her to the bed. "Give Miss Granger your hand, Abigail."

Abby's breath caught when she felt the familiar hand take hers, and felt tears overwhelm her as her hand was put to the face she had prayed to see. She climbed up on the bed so quickly, Severus was unable to stop her before she lay down, putting her head on Hermione's shoulder and sobbing. Shoving her hand under Hermione's, her fingers flew, spelling the words she still could not yet say, words yet unlearned and unspoken.

Hermione smiled and nodded, nuzzling the girl's hair, wetting it with her tears, unable to talk as Abby told her about her new Daddy, about the school, about how much she wanted to come home. Hermione was finally able to turn Abby's face to her own and study her eyes, elated that they could now look at each other. Pushing Abby's hair behind her ears she grinned, and sought Severus.

"I am here," he said from his position on the windowsill.

"Sunning like a cat?" Hermione choked. "Thank you for this. Thank you."

"No, sitting in the corner, hoping you will forgive me," he frowned. "I want to talk to you."

"Not today, not here. Not when … please."

"Abigail, go to Aunt Minerva. I need to talk to Miss Granger."

"I want to stay," Abby clung to Hermione. "It is me Magi"

"Do as you are told," he said sternly. "If you want to see her tomorrow you will go now. That or you may stay if you want to suffer the consequences."

Abby sat up and looked at him coldly. Shoving her bottom lip out in a pout she slid off the bed. "Not fair."

"No, it is not. That however, changes nothing."

She stomped to the door and in a show of defiance let it slam behind her.

Hermione giggled, "Are you sure she isn't really yours? She has the same… flair in leaving a room."

"She was sorted…," he felt his lip twitch and turn to a grin. "Slytherin."

"Get out! She is too smart for that… she is a Ravenclaw if ever there … oh. Fine." She felt her face grow hot.

"Yes, Miss Granger? Do go on. I seem to remember a Slytherin that still holds the record of the highest grades."

"And a Gryffindor so close you'd have to look twice to see whose grades are whose." She winced as she tried to roll onto her side.

"Perhaps it is a pair that is meant to be together," he said flatly.

"She knows the work, but she appears to need some social skills. Is she always like this?"

"Yes," he said, swallowing hard realizing she had heard and chose to ignore his comment.

"When did you decide to adopt her?"

"I didn't." He said flatly. "She chose me."

"Get out!"

Severus lowered his head and looked at her from under his brows. "She is as tenacious as you."

"She is an angel."

"I hope you are taking about one of the archangels. Because my dear, she is anything but angelic."

"It's my fault." She wiped her eyes with the edge of the sheet. "I was so busy making sure she knew all the book work, I never found other children her own age for her to play with."

"Poppy has suggested we hold her back a year and send her to the day school in Hogsmeade."

"You decided differently? I see."

"Are we going to argue over this?"

"No, I…I wanted to hear your reasoning."

"She is intelligent, too intelligent to waste her time at that place. She is also learning very quickly. I have made the concession that she sleeps in her own bedroom in our quarters and not with the other students. I think that by next term she will be ready."

Hermione frowned at the thought of Abigail's plight. "I…I would agree with you as long as she is allowed to take part in the other school activities and encouraged to make friends."

"Do you think I am completely without …" he sighed deeply. "Why do we do this?"

"Habit," she said with a grin. "You still think every question is a trap and I still hear an exam in every one of yours."

"You will be released to the infirmary at Hogwarts. Poppy is anxious to see to you herself."

"I have to call into work. I have missed … a week?"

"Three."

"Three?" She struggled to sit up. "Shite. Did anyone think to call them? No, I imagine not. Damn! I had my finals at the University. If I missed them I will have to take the entire semester over. Shite!"

"Language, Miss Granger."

"Language? I just … come here."

He approached the bed and leaned over her, placing one hand on each side of her head. "We need to do better."

"Now say it. Damn you, Severus Tobias Snape, say it to my face, when I am awake. And if you don't know what I am talking about you can take your skinny arse out of here."

He felt his lip twitch, and raised his eyebrow. "Only if you promise not to argue with me, or tell me I am wrong."

"Promise," she said, nodding.

"I like your hair short like this."

"What?" she said incredulously.

"They had to cut your hair. I like it short." He frowned as her face dropped. "I love you."

"Now, why is that so hard to say?"

He leaned down and kissed her, his arms going under her, lifting her up and pulling her as close as he could.

"I have no idea," he sighed. "It is easier now than it was before."

"Severus?" She pulled back just enough to look up at his face. "Why? I need to know why?"

"When we have more time." He lay her back down and brought up the blanket. "I will have Minerva call your Dr. Gramm. And, yes she told me about him. I cannot however do anything about your job."

"I need to pay my rent. It should be due soon." She tried to sit up only to have Severus push her back down. "Where is my purse?"

"You need a new one."

"My chequebook is in it."

"Hermione, trust me, no one can use your cheques, or your purse for that matter. I might add your books, laptop, cell phone, and whatever else you insist on strapping to your back."

"Shite."

"You will also have to find somewhere else to buy your coffee."

"How bad was it?"

"Again, we will talk about it later. I do not want you concerned about it now."

"There is a girl that works there. She always waits on me."

"Tell me her name, I will look into it. However, the shop sustained a lot of damage."

"I was told the parking garage took most of it, and that was under us. I always, always sit in the same place. The counter is on the far wall, maybe she… all I know is Mary. She had it printed on her nametag. There are millions of Marys."

"I will look into it if you promise to try to sleep now," he said firmly.

"Oh? And if I do not? Will there be consequences?"

"Yes, Miss Granger," he said as he leaned back over the bed. "As soon as you are able there will be five years of…consequences."

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Severus took Abigail home, trying to explain what had happened and why her Maggie could not come with them. He found himself again at a loss of how to communicate, she having the vocabulary of a much younger child and him not knowing how to sign. Although she had made tremendous strides in two short months, he was still frustrated with the time it was taking even with the use of spells and charms.

Abby took her bath and once she was dressed in her pyjamas and fluffy slippers, she made her way into the sitting area. Flopping down next to him on the sofa, she reached up and touched his cheek before asking him if she could stay up for an extra hour.

At first, he had been uncomfortable with the child's constant need to touch before speaking to him until Minerva pointed out it was Abby's habit to gain someone's attention. Having gone so long with only touch to guide her, he would have to teach her other ways. He found that the longer he spent with the child the less he disliked it, and when she failed to greet him in the morning without her normal hug or stroke to his hair not only had he found he missed it, but demanded she see Poppy, suspecting she was ill.

"Not again," Poppy sighed and pointed to the examining table, waiting until Abby climbed up before checking her. "She is coming down with a cold. I don't know how you saw it…I get such a small reading."

"She seemed ill. She behaves…differently," Severus said, watching Abby drink a potion.

"Did not," Abby pouted. "He…he…"

"Fusses," Poppy supplied. "I know…you are just going to have to put up with him."

"Poppy?" Severus said her name as a warning as he waved Abby back to their rooms. "She is bad enough without you adding to it."

"She is not," Poppy had laughed. "It is you that can't say no. You haven't been able to from the start. If you had stayed out of it you wouldn't have her now so don't tell me she is a problem."

Severus frowned knowing she was talking about the day he had brought her back to her new family and was unable to pry her arms from around his neck when she had flung herself at him realizing what was happening. He had remembered how Hermione had walked away without touching her and had wished at the time that he had understood why.

All he could think of was the way the girl had touched his face in Hermione's kitchen and had kissed his cheek without any prompting. How she had entered his mind and although it had upset him to his core, she had not shown any fear or revulsion. He had let her stay on his lap, with her arms wrapped around his neck, while he listened to the plans the couple had made for her, including how they knew they would have to take a firm hand to squelch her temper.

_Temper,_ he had thought, disgusted that they had made this determination without asking a single question. _Temper,_ he had thought, _disguised as fear._ Fear that she was being returned to gods only knew where, her Maggie beyond her reach and strange smells assaulting her.

He had begun to pry her arms from around his neck and force her hands from their grip on his robes when he had heard her voice hitch with sobs and tears. "Please," was all he could make out and it had been enough to realize she needed to be his.

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**A/N**: I have added the last section since the original posting as it was not clear as to why Severus took Abby. For some reason I thought it was. However from the comments I find there was a lot of confusion. I hope it helps. Thanks for reading...reviews are appreciated.


	49. The Choice

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 49**

**The Choice**

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The Healer eventually allowed Hermione to return to her flat rather than to a bed in Hogwarts' infirmary. She insisted she was well enough to take care of herself, until she tried to walk from the taxi to the lift, then down the hall to her door. Harry refused to help her, having told her that he agreed with Snape. If she could not make it on her own, she had no business staying alone.

"Okay," she panted. "You can tell him I did it."

"I will tell him you barely did it. I will also tell him you only made it as far as the sofa."

"I just need to rest. I have lain up in that bed for a month now."

"Not long enough, you still look like shite."

"Thanks, Harry. You so know how to charm a girl." She swung up her legs and grabbed a throw pillow. "I am knackered. If you want to leave I am going to nap."

"You sure?"

"No, I thought I would go jogging around the square as soon as you left."

"Funny."

"Glad you think so."

"Listen, Hermione, if you dare to step out of here he'll have my arse in a sling. You know that, right?"

"Yes, Harry," she said through her yawn. "I promise, now go."

He watched as she punched the pillow to plump it up, and then lay her head down, closing her eyes. He waited a few minutes until her breathing evened out and left quietly, thinking to contact Ginny and have her check in on Hermione later.

Hermione heard the door close and snapped open her eyes, pushing up on her hands she peeked over the back on the sofa to make sure he had gone. _Finally_, she thought, standing up slowly and going to the door, only to open it and come face to face with Severus.

"I must say, you waited at least three minutes longer than I thought you would. You must have worked hard on your patience."

"Come in," she said with a sigh.

"First of all I am not here to stop you. In doing so, I will only anger you. So, please if you want to go, go."

"Then you are here … why?"

"So I can pick you up when you don't make it beyond the curb."

"I want to see the coffee shop."

"Hermione, it has not reopened yet. There is no point in it. None of the victims had the first name of Mary, nor did any of the injured. It is possible that she was not even at work that day or that the wait staff did not make their real names known. "

"You are sure it has not reopened?"

"This is what we do. We start with something small, something like not believing I checked the names, and we blow it up until…"

"I do believe you, I… just … okay, so I was going to double check," she rolled her eyes and headed back to the sofa. "Okay, I get it."

"Thank you." He frowned at her.

"We have put off our talk. This would be good time."

"Yes," he sighed and joined her on the sofa. "I agree."

"I need to know two things. I am sure you know what they are."

"I couldn't see you, Hermione. I don't know if you can understand, or believe me on this." He turned sideways to watch her face. "I love you. I love you now, and I did then. By seeing you, by letting you think I could ever be free, that what you wanted could ever be a possibility would have stopped you from moving forward. I very much did not want that for you."

"You should have told me that. You should have had the … the courtesy to talk to me, just once, to tell me that. It wouldn't have mattered, granted, but you should have talked to me. What about the divorce papers? How can you claim to love me and do that? That was the deepest cut. Not that you…you wanted a divorce. I think I always knew it would happen. But, that you lied to me. You let me believe things were getting better."

"I did not want you to find out the way you did. No, don't say anything until I am done." He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, hoping she would not interrupt until he was done. "When we first had our… difficulties I had indeed applied for a divorce. You are aware of this, and if I remember correctly you hexed me three times that day."

He waited until he saw her nod her head and grimace.

"We decided to try again. Yes, because of the child, but I had hoped it was more than that. At the same time, I was concerned over the possibility that … that you would still want to leave or that certain events would unfold, that would make a divorce… desirable.

When I told you I would contact Kingsley to stop the paper work, I only postponed it. Leaving it open, as you found it. I am glad you signed it. If you had not, you would have been questioned automatically and taken to Azkaban as a co-conspirator. As it was, Kingsley was able to keep you out of it."

"You should have told me at the time. You should have explained it to me. You have no idea how much you hurt me. When you accused me of carrying someone else's child, I didn't think you could do anything worse. But that…what you did…I don't think I can ever forgive you, or trust you again."

He leaned forward and cupped her face in his hands. "Are you still fearful of me?"

"No," she said, remembering the conversation they had had the night Draco had given her Rasputin. "My gods, Severus. I am so sorry. I didn't mean it that way, not to hurt you."

"No," he shook his head. "You were honest with me. Yes, it…bothered me. However, I would rather you be honest with me. I would rather see you leave, than stay with me and be fearful of what I may do."

She flung her arms around him, crying into his neck, feeling him pull her close and stroke her back, lifting the hem of her tee to slide his hands over her back.

"It should have been my choice if I wanted to see you. It should have been up to me if I wanted to … to move on as you put it. It's not up to you. It's not your choice who or how I love. Do you understand me?"

He pulled her away from him far enough to see her face. "So, the next time I am in Azkaban I shall consent to see you."

"Don't joke, not now," she sniffed, sliding back down to his side and resting her head on his shoulder. "It's not up to you. And I am going to say this one last thing… just this once. Just this once and then we are done with it and will never mention it again."

"And what would that be?" he asked, looking down at her with a smirk.

"You don't decide when and how you die." She swallowed hard, watching as his face turned from amused and concerned, to cold and hard.

He sat forward pushing her away, pausing for only a moment he stood. "It is late. Abby will be concerned if I am not in my chambers when she comes in."

"I see." Hermione stood as well, aware that he was angrier than he sounded. "We went through the same thing when she first came here. Once she is more comfortable with her surroundings, she will be more at ease. Hopefully, she will lose some of her anger at my letting her go as well."

"I shall make arrangements for her to visit."

"I would appreciate that, thank you."

"I will leave you to your rest."

"Thank you for stopping in, Severus."

He closed the door behind him quietly, leaving Hermione to look after him. She thought it strange that a few short weeks ago she would never have dared mention his suicide attempt, or understood why he walked out, unable to talk about it. She felt drained of energy, and laid back down on the sofa, this time falling into a deep sleep.

Something woke her. She wasn't sure what. Sitting up in the dark, she rubbed her eyes, frowning and started to get up, when she heard a voice. Jumping back and clutching the pillow in front of her, she relaxed when she realized it was Severus.

"You could turn on a … Severus?"

"Shhh, you should sleep. I did not come to wake you."

"You …you are scaring me now. Is there something wrong?"

"I thought we needed to finish our discussion. I meant no harm."

"I told you I would never mention it again."

"I plan on marrying you witch. I want you to understand."

"Severus? Are you okay?"

"Yes, but I need to say this. You need to understand." He ploughed ahead, aware she had not commented on his admission.

"I do know… I did know, or thought I did, until you tried to … what you did. I have a hard time saying it, even now. Suicide. There. That's it, isn't it? Nothing noble. Nothing more than what it was. I don't give a rat's arse why. How the fuck do you think it made me feel to know you would rather be dead than talk to me?"

"I am not fearful of death. At one time I welcomed it, only to be denied my escape by an over zealous future herbology professor, and a know-it-all-saviour. I resented what you and he did. For a long time I resented the both of you meddling in something you were too young to understand."

"You don't have to do this," she said quietly, straining to see his silhouette in the darkness.

"Yes, yes I do. You will afford me this time." He sat for a few moments then began again. "Azkaban was my nightmare. Your nightmares are of …people. You feel terror at their possible loss, fearing your own inability to stop them from dying. I have only found terror in the absence of control. Absence of self, as it is. In surrender. It may seem … foolish to you, as your terrors seem ill founded and foolish to others."

"No, not foolish."

"I have been experiencing …difficulties with Abby. She refuses to wear the uniform, often wearing her older Muggle clothing under it. In an attempt to understand what her fears were, I looked into her mind. You need'nt worry, I explained it fully and she was quite comfortable with it. Until that time I don't think I understood completely why I fear, as I do, surrendering my will."

"How…I am sorry, go on."

"How bad was it?" He chuckled. "It is not the … incident that scared her. Rather the loss of trust and love in the only people she knew. When she disobeyed, she was tied to a chair, or to her bed, I could not tell which, with silken scarves. I am sure whoever bound her thought they were disciplining her… or keeping her from harm…gently, using silk scarves to restrain a child that could not communicate. They never struck her, they never had to. Being blind, she could not see that they stayed with her, and being deaf, she could not hear if they were there. They threw her away in that moment. Her fears are simple. Desertion being the greatest. She was locked in a prison and her jailors had left her alone"

"That's why she gets so upset when you are not home, or when she first came to me, I couldn't leave the room without her trying to call me back, and why she won't wear anything silky."

"Yes. If she had remained calm, she would have known they were in the room with her. If I could …smell them, and feel the vibrations on the floor, she must have been able to. I can only assume it had happened before, and the sheer panic made it impossible for her to respond any other way. I could not find her earliest memory, without language they are near impossible to find as before we have language we do not store memories with a logic I can find."

He leaned his head back and paused again, glad that Hermione did not interrupt. "By the time I arrived in Hogwarts I already had… we will refer to them as control issues," he chuckled again. "However I am sure now my professors would have seen it as an attitude problem. Dumbledore was aware of my home life. However, whereas other students had the opportunity to spend the holidays and summers in residence I was not afforded that … luxury. I do not fault him, as I do not know his reasoning, or if my parents had any input in the decision, although I am inclined to believe my father would not have permitted it. However, every time I went back to Spinner's End, I felt more and more of … of me… disappearing to my father's fists and my mother's tears. He controlled with force, she with guilt. I returned each year looking for something from Hogwarts that was not there to be given, only I did not know it at the time.

I hid in books and lessons, striving to be the best, encouraged to… to delve into potions and even found approval from Slughorn in my knowledge of the Dark Arts. By the time I was of age, I ran to The Dark Lord. I welcomed him and I thought he welcomed me. He was to give me recognition, power, and most importantly …control over my life. I wanted to belong to something, to have a place that … that was home. That lasted a year. It was a lie, of course…but I was young and wanted to believe what I was told.

Hermione," he said as he leaned forward in his chair, putting his arms on his legs and looking at the floor. "I have spent my life since then doing things others have forced me into. I regret taking the mark. I regret many things that I had to do before and after the first conflict because I wear it. However, I have paid my dues. I have surrendered over half my life to two men that controlled me. I do not regret my decision, it is not that simple. I played so many roles with Dumbledore, and with Voldemort, keeping up a facade that on the one hand put me up as a saviour of our world and on the other a murderous coward, I lost...me. It was not always easy to remember what side I was on, or which the harder master. The only thing I have … rather that I _had _left to me was the control over my very life. Not how I lived it, not where, but if I chose to breathe at all.

When you accepted me, when you came to my bed and let me love you, when you carried my child … I knew what it was like to be free for the first time in my life. You gave me that. You. No one else, and I will never go back to what I had before. I need to breathe, and I can only breathe easily if I know you are here, for me."

He lifted his head, and although she could not see his face in the dark, only his shadow, she knew he was looking straight into her eyes. "If you tell me no…that I can live with and understand. However, understand this. If I lose myself, if anyone locks me up and takes away everything I have, and I _do_ have you, even if you no longer want to see me. I have you just knowing you once loved me, knowing that you are alive. If they try to take that away, I would rather die. If I cannot have you, I will have your memory. Azkaban takes memories. Taking them and leaving its inmates empty. That... that I will never abide again."

She stood and crossed to him, falling to her knees between his legs and laying her head on his lap. "When you were … after Neville had already packed the moss into your neck, I found you. I didn't know it was Neville then, that wasn't until after. You asked…no told me…to finish you off. You wanted me to kill you."

"I remember only that someone was there, not who. I … I would like to say that I would not have asked …told a student to cast such a curse. My memories of that are as yours are of the café that was bombed. I honestly do not remember it."

"I had just finished spelling my mother's memory. She had fallen on the floor, and lay next to the bed, and then my father opened the door and saw me. He must have seen the flash, and me standing with the wand in my hand…," she lifted her head and sought his face, "he thought … he must have thought I had killed her and asked me to do the same to him. He thought I had hurt my Mum. As if I could have ever done that. I worry, I worry so much that if he remembers me at all, if his dreams can show him anything, that he will see that… and think I was trying to harm them."

"So you spend your life trying to give them back memories that would stop your own terrors?" Seeing her nod, he sighed and leaned back in the chair. Keeping his hands on the chair's arms and not touching her. "I am sorry, Hermione. What you seek is impossible."

"I know, I read your journals and I agree…we worked along the same lines. I can sleep a little better … but it is still there. And your terrors? Are they still there?"

"We never lose them, not completely. They are…less frequent."

"Do you think we can get beyond this? I am just curious. I don't know what you want."

"Hermione, what the bloody hell do you think I am trying to do?"

"Severus? Make love to me?"

He tipped her face up and kissed her lips gently, then shook his head. "This morning you were still in St. Mungo's. You need to rest."

"I don't want you to leave."

He scooped her up and carried her to the bedroom, laying her down and getting in the bed with her. Pulling her over him, he pushed her head to his shoulder, and waited until she finished squirming "Now go to sleep."

"I hate sleeping alone."

"Good, then you should be able to sleep tonight. Do so now."

She lifted her head and looked at him until his eyes opened. "What ever became of Rasputin?"

"Minerva tended him. He is … she is now fat and pregnant and intent on destroying my tapestries."

"Minerva or the cat?" she laughed, as his eyes snapped to hers, and his lip twitched.

She lowered her head and snuggled into him, throwing her top leg over his.

He was almost asleep when he felt more than heard her laughter. "What?"

"Minerva… pregnant. Wouldn't the Daily Prophet have a field day with _that?_"

"Hermione, go to sleep."

"I get my degree next year. Did I tell you that?"

"Sleep."

"I finish next September. That is if I go summer term. I wanted a double major, so it took a little longer."

"Are you done?" He craned his neck to look into her face.

"Almost. I miss Abby. Sometimes I even tried to get Harry to take me to Hogsmeade, just to see her in town."

"I never planned on keeping her from you. We decided she needed to settle in to her new surroundings first."

She rose up, and peered at him again. "Do you care for her?"

"I am … unaccustomed to caring for children on a personal level."

"Did I ask you that?"

"Sleep."

"Severus?"

"Yes."

She laid her head back on his shoulder grinning. "Git."

He sighed deeply and only nodded. Waiting a few moments, he tipped his head up and looked down at her with a smirk. Then he laid his head down and closed his eyes, knowing that since she'd gotten the last word, she could now go to sleep.

What seemed to her only a moment later, and burying her head in the pillow, she pulled the blanket from his side of the bed closer, breathing in his scent. Her arm reached for him, only to find his place empty. Opening one eye, groggily and seeing his robes draped across the foot of the bed she closed her eyes again, feeling comfortable and too lazy to get up. She heard the sound of the water running in the bath and grinned, thinking how put out he must have been to realize she did not have a shower, only the tub.

She sat up and glanced at the clock, seeing it was still early. Slipping out of bed she took off the clothes she had slept it, and put her bathrobe on, holding it closed and letting the belt trail on the floor. She snuck out to the kitchen and heated the water for tea as she measured out the loose mix into the pot. Looking in the fridge, she wrinkled her nose, shutting it before the smell could spread. _Shite_, she thought.

She picked up the tray that held only the two cups of tea and walked back to the bath opening the door and grinning to see Severus stretched out in the tub.

"Good morning." She laughed. "Not as big as what you are used to. I picked this flat over the other because small as the tub seems it was the largest one I found."

Setting the tray on the floor, she squatted down and picked up the cups, setting them on the side of the tub. She stood and opened her robe, letting it fall to the floor and stepped into the tub, straddling his legs and sitting on his thighs.

"Tea?"

"Merlin, witch!. Remind me to tell Mrs. Longbottom that she should consider you for head waitress. Business would increase exponentially." He picked up the teacups and leaned over, setting them back on the floor. "I am not thirsty."

"Hungry?" She whispered leaning forward, sucking on his ear lobe and whispering in his ear. "I think you have a … growing appetite."

"Witch," he breathed heavily. "We need to move to the bed."

"No," she purred, reaching down into the water and stroking him. "You should learn to … relax and enjoy your bath."

"Hermione," he said, as he sucked in his breath as her hand applied more pressure. "Gods, it has been too long."

He reached both hands into her hair pulling her forward and attacking her mouth, sucking her lower lip and seeking entry. He felt her rise up to her knees, as she held onto the sides of the tub, and lift up as far as she could before sliding down onto him.

"Oh, my gods," she gasped, falling forward on his chest, then sat back up, throwing her head back as he slouched down in the tub, grabbed her hips and pushed her lower.

His hands stroked her body, tenderly caressing her still purple bruises, glided down her sides, before moving to her inner thighs. She tried to move, finding it difficult to find a rhythm until he began to push his hips up, and guide her to follow him.

"Hermione, lean back, put your hands on my legs," He ground out, watching as she did what he asked, seeing her body arch backward, her breasts thrust higher, her head drop back.

He pushed his hips up, as his hand sought and found her clitoris, felt her begin to fall forward again, to rest on his chest, to reach his mouth. "No, Hermione, stay upright… I want to watch you."

Rising up on her knees she again lowered onto him, driving him deeper as his fingers continued to circle her clitoris. She moved faster, bracing her arms behind her, on his thighs again, until the sensations became more than she could stand.

"No," she moaned, "no, too much, too much." she brought her head up, releasing his legs, and throwing herself forward to his chest, as her climax shattered her. He held her tightly, waiting for her trembles to stop, feeling her internal walls clutching him, threatening to pull him along with her.

"Gods," she panted, tears running down her face as she rested on his chest, feeling him still hard and firm inside her. "I love you. I love you Severus."

"Put your hands on the tub over my head." he pushed her up from him as he drove his hips up. Grasping both her hips with both his hands, he pushed her down on him, guiding her, showing her what he needed, the new angle stroking her, and sending her to a second climax as he emptied into her.

He held her until her sobs stopped, then tipped up her chin to kiss her tears away. "Now, I know I did not hurt you. Tell me why you cry."

"I forgot how you felt…how good this was with you, how I missed being with you." Her chest heaved as she fought to suck in air, as she laid back down on him, exhausted.

"Do not play me for a fool, Hermione. However, for now I need to get you back to bed," he said seriously. "You are going to catch a chill sitting in cold water, and it is most assuredly growing cold."

She nodded and sat up, still breathing heavily from their exertions, rising up to step out of the tub. "I hope your wand is handy."

He leaned over and looked at the floor, now flooded with soapy water. . With a wave of his hand, he dried it and set the teacups back on the tray. Standing up next to her, he summoned her robe, dried it as well, and handed it to her with a sheepish look. "I prefer the tubs at Hogwarts."

Stepping out of the tub and cinching her robe, she had to smile seeing the small amount of water they had managed to keep in the tub. "Breakfast? No, forget it. I have nothing in the house."

"Would you prefer I go to the shop or get a takeaway?"

"Takeaway. There are things growing the fridge. Strange, green things. It looks like your old Hogwarts lab."

As she sat on the bed watching him dress, she noticed she had not seen him use a wand the past couple of times she had been with him. She flipped onto her stomach and reached down to the floor, pulling up his robes and feeling the pockets.

"I carry Muggle money in my trousers," he said, looking at her oddly.

"No, I was looking for your wand."

"Here, or when the students are not in residence, I do not carry it often."

"I am impressed. The only other wizard I knew that did wandless without thinking it was… special or powerful was Lupin. He used to forget people were around and do it without thinking."

"Yes, something that could have gotten him killed and _did _risk the lives of those he was with. If you remember correctly, it was still wartime. He should have been more cautious."

"I want eggs." She smiled and tapped her chin as if in thought. "Bacon, of course and sliced tomatoes if they have them fresh and not picked green. Oh, and I would love a cup of coffee. I'm getting quite addicted to it, almost as much as tea."

"If you are asking me to go by the shop and check again if it is open, ask me, do not pretend otherwise."

"If I wanted you to do that I would have said the only place you can get a chocolate latté is down at the coffee shop. No, a cup from the takeaway will be fine."

"When I get back we need to talk about what is bothering you. Your tears were not from… happiness." He tossed his robes back on the foot of the bed and looked down at his waistcoat. "I was not planning on going out."

"It's cold out, you can't very well go like that, or walk around London dragging a warming spell with you."

Hermione left the bedroom and opened the hall cupboard, pulling out a man's cardigan and holding it out to him. "This will be warmer than nothing. I think it will fit."

Severus looked at it with a scowl, and then brought his eyes up to look at her face. "I shan't need it. The shop is close."

"Have it your way." She shrugged and put the jumper back on the hook. "Ask them to double wrap. It's getting colder."

"Climb back in bed and cover up until I return," he said, avoiding her eyes as he left to collect breakfast.

She found her flannel pyjamas, shivering as she dressed, then made a quick trip to the kitchen to pound on the radiator until she felt the first weak hint of warmth. Running back to bed, she jumped under the covers, and waited until Severus returned to spread out the containers of food. She sat with her back against the headboard, and watched as he fidgeted uncomfortably in her bedside chair, picking at his food with his fork.

"If you want to leave, you don't have to stay. I am quite alright."

"We should talk."

"You have been spending all your time between me and Abby. I am sure you have things to do. I am quite capable of taking care of myself. Ginny stopped in at the hospital yesterday. She said she would do my shopping and drop it by. What else do I need?"

"Hermione, you were … despondent."

"Hormones," She dropped her eyes to the coffee to avoid looking at him. "As you said, it has been a long time since we have been together."

"Have you moved on?"

"It's… not that simple, Severus. Your own words."

"It is a simple question. One that demands a simple answer."

"I love you."

"That was not my question."

"I know, but for now it is the only answer I can give you. I do love you. I think I always will. But…have I moved on? I don't know. I have tried. I won't lie about it…I tried to … but each time I tried I couldn't." She looked down at the blankets, pulling them into a heap and laying her head down on them. "I want to sleep. I want you to go now."

"Do you want me to come back?"

She rolled to the side, squeezing her eyes shut, not answering. Hearing his footfalls leave the bedside and the door open and close in the sitting room, she began to cry. How could she explain to him what she did not understand herself? All she knew was that she did not feel whole, did not feel she had finished what she needed to do.

Perhaps when she finished school, she thought, or perhaps when she made enough money to make her own way. Perhaps when she could sleep the night without nightmares and forgive him for the hurt that was still so raw.


	50. The Presentation

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 50**

**The Presentation**

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After Hermione graduated, she was surprised to be accepted at the first place she applied. She had been warned, that with the economy on another downward spiral she might have to accept a position beneath her qualifications. It was an entry-level position, but a position in research none the less. She read the literature on the company and was surprised that they were involved in so many industries, from oil refineries to pharmaceuticals and even her small division that developed artificial prosthesis.

The first day she visited the new development labs she was surprised to see how much freedom she would have. Although the big push was to develop a low cost prosthetic arm complete with flexible fingers, they stressed that she was free, and even encouraged, to use a certain percentage of her time for the development of her own ideas.

She found the work not only interesting, but lost herself in the time, working late into the night only to look up to share something or to ask for advice to find herself alone in the building. She had read up on the work done to stimulate the nerve endings to enable sensory deprived individuals to regain sight or hearing and found the topic fascinating. After only a few months, she tried to develop her own idea of a small device that, when implanted, could stimulate the optical nerve as she thought the same principle they were working on for hearing could be adapted to other uses. She believed, if successful, it would restore enough sight to eliminate the need for canes and guides, allowing more freedom and a normal life to those afflicted such as Abby had been.

She had written to Severus, asking to see Abby, only to hear that she had lessons, or was unable to make the long train ride to London. Unwilling to put the child in a position of hearing arguments over her, Hermione had to be satisfied with stories from Neville, and the occasional Muggle snapshot she insisted they use rather than the moving Wizarding photos.

Every Saturday morning a letter would arrive from Abby, and every Saturday she would write back in return. The first missive she had opened was a mere scribble, gradually improving until she could make out words. She kept each one in large envelope, adding each new addition only after dating it in the corner and answering it with her own. She had sent a letter to Severus, thanking him for keeping her name in front of Abby, for not letting her forget, only to receive a curt note and explanation that the weekly letters were intended to practice her communication skills and meant nothing more.

She filled her time by pulling out the old research journals that she still kept on the top shelf of her cupboard, and finishing the editing she had started so long ago for her then husband. As she corrected, and recopied, her mind kept making connections to what she saw before her and what she had learned at the University, adding even more importance to what she read. Digging a calendar out of her purse, she made her decision and left for the Leaky Cauldron, hoping that the Order of the Delphi would accept her letter and that Lydia would intercede on her behalf.

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It had been a long time since she had worn robes. Now, standing in front of the mirror, she caught Lydia's reflection and smiled thinly.

"You look lovely my dear. Now relax, they may sound gruff but they have not taken off anyone's head yet."

"_Yet_ being the word of importance here," Hermione said flatly. "I am so nervous I don't know if I can stand."

"I have put a stool in front of the podium," Lydia laughed. "Gloria's nickname for you reminded me."

"My nickname?"

"Well, how impolite of me," Lydia mused, her eyes sparkling. "She always called you the one with the shaking knees."

"I never did like her."

"Yes, well I was being polite you know. She called you Shaking Mione. It's time to go in dear," Lydia became serious. "Hermione, you can do this. You are not the same frightened child that you were when I first met you. You are a woman that is as educated and intelligent as any in that room and will someday be their equal. If you believe it, they will also."

"I hope," she grimaced, "just make sure you find my body if I don't show up at the end of the week."

She entered the lecture hall, took her position at the podium and looked up to the climbing rows of desks in front of her. She found her knees begin to shake and silently thanked Lydia as she sat down and cast the sonorous charm.

"Gentleman, I thank you for the opportunity to be here today. The fact that your have afforded me this unprecedented honour speaks to the nature of this body. It is only through a thirst for knowledge, forward thinking, and a search for new methods that our world will continue. Not to waste time I will forgo the normal introductions and begin."

She heard the muted laughter and tried to ignore the guffaws from those who did not even try to hide their distain.

"Each of you has been given a copy of the basic works of Severus Tobias Snape, which contains only a summary of the entire body which will be made available to each of you upon request. This morning we will touch on the basic techniques to prepare ingredients, necessary and important if the true nature of the work is to be understood."

She took a deep breathe and plunged into the speech, soon loosing track of her written notes as she strayed from her original content and began speaking with enthusiasm, citing example after example. She looked at Lydia who shook her head and pointed to her watch with a scowl.

Hermione turned and looked over her shoulder chuckling to see, she had run over half an hour already.

"Before we break for lunch…. questions?"

"Miss Granger, if I am to believe you correctly, I am being told by a mere… teacher… a man that has had his very title revoked, that we have been preparing our potions incorrectly? Indeed. How did we ever survive with out him?"

Hermione heard the laughter and bit back the retort that was on the tip of her tongue.

"Sir," she held up her hand to stop the noise. "I will ask you a question. A potion calls for three leaves of Fluxfox, dried and chopped. Do you alter the potion in years of drought?"

Laughter filled the room as Hermione returned to the podium, reached under the top shelve and laid out four watch glasses; each containing dried and chopped Fluxfox.

"Sir, each of these ingredients has been prepared by a different Master. Each contains a different amount and potency, although all contain three leaves. The first was prepared in France that has experienced a dry season; the leaves are smaller than those in the second sample from northern Italy, which had a bumper crop this year. The next, the German sample, although similar in size to that of Italy, appears much smaller, even to the naked eye. This is due to the drying method used. Each one of these ingredients will affect the potion differently. The fourth sample, prepared by the suggested methods and measured after the preparations were completed, is the only batch that will be consistent.

If it were your child that needed a life saving potion, I wonder, which would you use in the potion?

The amount of moisture must also be controlled. How many times have you found stored supplies ruined, or overrun with mould? The amount must be exact, consistent and not subject to regional difference. This afternoon I will demonstrate not only this, but how the use of different seed stock of the same species affects the outcome of the potion. The strength and success of the potion depends on each of these factors, far more than the skill of the brewer. _Master_ Snape has used these techniques for years. This is why his potions have, and will always be sought after.

Tomorrow we will see over 786 potions that have been standardized in Professor Snape's attempt at consistency across the Wizarding world. The most important, and the part of his body of work that will not be introduced until the third day, shows clearly why the standardization of species, when using animal organs, must be adopted. I have left copies of the material on DNA identification that you may want to familiarize yourself with before that time."

Hermione swallowed hard as the assembly stood, and without a word to her walked out, only muttering to themselves and casting her dark looks.

"My, that went well," Hermione sighed as Lydia made it down the steps. "I don't think they listened to a word I said."

"What they are having a hard time accepting is that a witch with no credentials is giving the presentation and not the creator."

"You know, Lydia, I submitted his name but they would have no part of it. I just squeaked in due to my Muggle degrees. They are such fools!"

"You are just lucky there is pressure on them to open up their ranks to witches my dear. I do hope you realize if you are unsuccessful, it will make it extremely difficult for another to do the same. Don't misunderstand me. It is not your sex that is at issue, as much as your lack of formal title in this world. The fact that as a divorced woman, you are presenting here at all is astounding, but that is a matter of etiquette, whereas the credentials are a firmly established rules. "

"That, Madam is of no interest to me." She scowled.

"Oh my," Lydia laughed. "You sound just like him."

Thomas rose from his seat in the top row and made his way slowly to his wife's side. "Well done Mrs. Snape, well done."

"Miss Granger," she said tersely.

"Allow an old man his beliefs," he said smoothly, taking Lydia's arm. "Now my dear, I will see you home. You must rest."

"You … then I will thank you now, for your support," Hermione replied stiffly.

"Now, now my dear, I never intended to sit through the whole thing. Three days of lecture, and two more of debate is more than this old body can take. There was a time I would have insisted on staying, but as of late … no, I am no longer young enough."

Hermione watched them leave before turning to attend the luncheon that was set up for the attendees. She found her place setting, not surprised that she had been placed at the far end in the table closest to the kitchen. Sliding into her seat, she scanned the table, aware she was seated as to her rank, amongst the other untitled attendees. She spent the next hour pushing her food around on her plate, listening to the chatter at the table, not unaware that no attempt was made to include her.

The afternoon session was abysmal. Several of the senior potioneers being so bold as to leave the hall, only to sit in the bar and talk of the little chit that dared to bring this subject back up, a subject they had tossed out the first time. Hermione swallowed hard, and stumbled on her words each time she saw someone smirk and stand to leave.

The next day during lunch one of the Healers from St. Mungo's approached her, bringing with him several of the visiting healers from the other countries. They asked polite questions and requested extra copies of her materials, giving her some hope that at least the medical field as listening.

By the end of the third day she was exhausted, slumping to a desk on the lowest tier as the attendees silently walked out, folding her arms on the desktop, she laid down her head and took in a deep breath.

"Imagine my surprise to find my work being once again presented." She jerked her head up and looked around, finally finding him standing near the door she herself planned to use.

"You knew six months ago when the agenda was published."

"I, Madam, am no longer on the mailing list," he said flatly.

"I sent you an owl, I told you I was doing this. Don't' pretend to be shocked."

"And again, Madam, I answered that owl, refusing permission."

"Permission? I don't need your permission," she sighed, feeling any fight drain out of her. "Don't worry. I won't soon be allowed back. The debate begins tomorrow. However if anyone shows up I will be amazed. I am sorry Severus. I felt I owed you this."

"It was not your fault."

"I know that. However, if I had not blindsided you by the whole pregnancy issue and given Lucius fodder for his rumour mill this would not have happened. I can still see Lucius as he just happened to meet me at the bottom of the staircase. I should have just given in to what I wanted to do and flattened him. Instead, I let him run over me with his threats."

"Lucius would have found a way, of that I have no doubt," he answered, his voice not as harsh.

She studied his face, finally looking away and returning to the podium to gather her presentation materials. "How is Abby?"

"She is repeating second year. She's struggling."

"She will catch up, remember how far behind she was."

"The Longbottoms will soon have a second son. Mrs. Longbottom requested that I pass along the information."

"They should have a houseful," she mused. "Neville desires a big family."

"And you Hermione? What do you want?"

She looked up and saw him leaning casually against the wall, all anger gone, surprised to see him relaxed and talking openly. "I? I want… nothing. Truly. I have a good job, within a fifteen-minute train ride, I am free to work on my own, and it pays enough so I no longer worry about the rent. More importantly, I set my own hours and am not accountable to anyone. I have to submit monthly reports on my progress, but other than that … it is just me and my work. You should understand the importance of that."

"If that is the extent of your desires I am pleased for you, Hermione."

"That, and I have time for my own research." She chuckled as she picked up the last of the parchments and tucked them into her case. "I have learned. It may have taken me a while longer than it should have, but I have learned. Now, tell me. Do you plan on coming tomorrow and debate your findings, you know if I mucked up the presentation there is no way I can do it justice."

"I shall be in attendance, however there will be no debate," he said slowly. "The only reason I came now is to prepare you that Master Givens, who you may have noticed is very much evident by his very absence, has been working behind the scenes to make sure the debates are boycotted."

"I thought he may show up. I expected him here today. Did you see his article in Potions Monthly?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Do not think that due to his inability to accept my work that he does not have valid points. I would very much like to explore his ideas."

"They are not his ideas. He is taking stem cell research directly from the Muggle world and touting it out as his own. His new studies smack of the dark arts and as such will never be accepted."

"The same could be said for my work. I borrowed heavily on their measurements and knowledge of DNA."

"You have never said otherwise and even have sited their names, giving them credit for their discoveries. No, he is arrogant and needs to be brought down a peg."

"This is not personal to him. He will be able to take lunch with you, discuss the work rationally, without malice, and then rip you to sheds. I wanted to warn you, and to make sure you understood, that to him, and the others in this room, this is not against you personally."

"Really? You should have seen the reception I received."

"Have you forgotten why you took lessons with Lydia? This is an old group, Hermione. There are wizards here that come from areas so shut off from Muggles that only here have they met one. You need to treat them accordingly. Not by your British standards of fairness and equality but with the teachings you learned from Lydia. Professionally and with respect. Professionally they will not argue a work in front of, or with, an unqualified witch."

"I must be going," Hermione said, suddenly angered. "I don't need to be told how to act."

"Then I will leave you until tomorrow."

She watched him leave the room, then turned and left through the door on the opposite side of the lecture hall.

She woke early the next morning to prepare for what she thought would be one of the worse days of her life. Dressing carefully she tied her hair in small knot in the back of her head and selected deep blue robes with no adornment, avoiding anything that would give the impression of vanity. Hesitating as she sat at the mirror, she put her makeup back in her travel case; Lydia's teaching echoing in her mind. Then, lifting her chin, she headed down to the lower level of the hotel to have breakfast.

The host took her to a table and handed her the menu, then automatically put a carafe of tea on the table. Hermione set the menu down, explaining all she wanted was the tea. She knew her stomach would not handle anything more with her nerves the way they were.

"You should eat, Miss Granger." Severus sat opposite her, waving the waitress over and putting in his own order for breakfast. "I did not see you here last evening and knowing you are too frugal to order room service I assume you have not eaten since lunch."

"I wasn't hungry," she said tersely.

"Let's not do this now. If you want to argue I will set time aside and indulge your wishes at a later time."

She started to laugh, leaning back in her chair and feeling instantly more at ease. "How have you been Severus? I have missed your humour. I must say I do not know another person who gets away with as much as you do. No one knows quite how to take you."

"Except Abby, whom I must admit does not believe a word I say. The fact that I refer to her as Abby, a name I detest, and not her given name speaks to what she has done to me. She is the only student that is unafraid to be sent to my office and receives the same treatment in my detentions as the others but finds amusement in it."

"It's called love. She must love you so she knows you don't mean it."

"She is wilful and stubborn."

"Ah, just like her father."

"I blame it on the upbringing she experienced in your hands," he said as he frowned at her.

"If I had known where she was going to end up I would have taught her differently. I would have taught her to stand up and argue and a few hexes along the way," Hermione said. "So, are you ready for today? Have you changed your mind?"

"Tell me of your work in London," he said, ignoring her question.

"The mechanical portion is rather daunting, I will need an assistant in that area, but the rest is going well. The Muggle idea of how the mind works is different from the way they see it here. They find it … rigid… not understanding how it fits together…how memories can relocate in to non-memory centres. Abby is a great example. Here, we look to repair and alter at the minds level…they treat the symptoms, working on the nervous system. It is difficult at times not to argue magical theory with the professors and engineers. It is much like here in that regard. I do not have a medical degree so they will not consider my ideas valid."

"They are not yet ready for our medical advancements, as we are not ready for their greed and lax morality."

Hermione nodded, knowing he was speaking of Lucius and the war. "Someday, perhaps…but I agree. Greed and magic need to be separated. If it were only possible," she mused. "I thought you couldn't leave the country? How do you manage to be here?"

"Kingsley. He had the ban lifted for business travel. Tell me, do you ever plan on returning to our world?" Severus kept his eyes down, as if examining his tea. "Abby asks often."

"I am better off where I am," she said flatly. "It is … easier… not that on occasion I don't still wish for a wand…but … easier."

"Professor Longbottom has expanded your idea in the greenhouses. We now enjoy vegetables year round. Even Hagrid has seen fit to make room enough to supply the kitchen enough dairy products for the entire term. Abby works with him during the summer. She was quite sad to hear why the greenhouse was modified in the first place."

"That's unfair," she began gathering her handbag and briefcase to leave.

"Nothing is unfair, Hermione," he said with a smirk. "I once told you I was not above using a child to dangle in front of you."

"That's beneath even you," she said coldly as she stood up. "I think of him every time I see a mother pushing a pram, every time I hear a …"

"No," he jumped up and grabbed her arms. "I didn't mean that. I was speaking of Abby. I would never use him …never. I spoke poorly."

"I have to go, I should be in there in the event someone stops in," she whispered as she pulled her arms away from him and walked from the table.

He did not go to the debate sessions. Each time Hermione heard a creak in the floor, or heard footfalls outside the door she would wait and hope he would enter. She sat the first day, waiting hopefully, until lunchtime when she accepted the fact that he had been correct, there would be no debate.

Stubbornly refusing to leave until the end of the fifth day, she returned on Friday as well. Wearing her Muggle jeans and a loose jumper she propped her feet up and read the day away, taking a strange pride in the fact that she had fulfilled her commitment.

Later that night she was running down the platform as the train began to move away from her, yelling and flaying her free arm she suddenly felt herself grabbed by the arm and pulled back.

"No Mademoiselle, ze train, he is gone."

"You don't understand. I have to get back to London."

"But Mademoiselle, ze train, he is gone," the worker pointed to the moving train as if to make his point.

"Fine," she spat and turned to start back to the stairs, knowing that now the only way to get back was by portkey and not wanting to use it. Returning to the main concourse, she hurried to the bank of phones, hoping there was a late flight, but a quick check put that hope to rest as quickly as it had come. With a deep sigh, she looked for the public restrooms. Hurrying to an empty stall, she threw the lock and prepared for travel, cursing herself for running late.

As she stepped into the Ministry of Magic, she turned to head to the street exit, only to have two Aurors rush towards her, and stand between her and the door.

"The use of unauthorized travel is prohibited, as I am sure you are aware."

"It was not unauthorized. How would I have gotten a port key to here if it was?" she snapped.

"Come with me." The tallest began to head back toward the security offices just off the lobby.

"I will not! Check the port key, it was issued from here."

"You did not notify us two hours before international travel. At this hour, there is no one on duty to clear you. I am afraid you are going to have a night of it right here."

"Oh no, I'm not. Call Shacklebolt. Call Harry Potter, or one of the Weasleys. Any one of them can tell you who I am and let me through."

"Quite the name dropper if you…"

"Wait, are you Hermione Granger? I thought I recognised you."

"Yes I am, so now I can leave?"

"Not so quick," the tallest one bristled again. "Keep a watch on her, the Minister is still here with Snape. I'll see if he can come down."

"Snape? No, see if Potter is on duty, he or Ronald Weasley."

The Auror headed down the hallway as the other pointed to one of the benches. "Sit over there. It could be a while. They've been up there all day."

"Oh? Do you know about what?"

"Even if I did do you think I would tell you?"

She shot him a cold look, folded her arms, and turned sharply to watch the hallway for Kingsley. An hour passed before she saw Kingsley and Snape walking toward her, both looking angrier than the other did.

"For this you called me down?" Kingsley spat at the Auror. "The directive clearly stated unknown persons."

Kingsley ripped the entry form from the Auror's hand and slashed his wand over it, signing his name, and thrust it back.

"Miss Granger." He nodded curtly. "Forgive me, however there have been changes in your absence. I suggest you familiarize yourself with them."

"Sounds like you have had a bad day." Hermione stood, uncertain of Kingsley's greeting.

"Forgive me," he sighed and bent down, kissing both her cheeks. "We have been fighting budgets all day. The goblins have found a way to circumvent our lending system, finding it more profitable to finance those on the continent, leaving us in a lurch."

"I am sorry to hear that, I hope it is temporary." Noticing Severus' scowl she figured his budget was once again slashed.

"This pigheaded fool has the idea to charge tuition," Severus answered her unasked question.

"It may work if it is on a sliding scale," she offered. "There are those that can well afford it, and those that cannot can be given …"

"Yes, Miss Granger, and our Professors can all live in Hogsmeade so we can change their quarters into private chambers for those well to do students. That has also been proposed," Severus spat.

"That is… to put it politely… stupid. I thought we just fought a war to make sure caste distinctions would not set up this world one against another." She laughed. "Sorry, I should be running off. Thanks for coming down. I was beginning to think I would have to sleep here."

"Snape, see her home. I do not have the Aurors to spare. We are already down twenty percent."

"No, I can grab a taxi," she said nervously.

"Do not be foolish, Miss Granger. It is much too late to find one in this area," Severus took her elbow and guided her to the door, calling back over his shoulder. "Tell the damned board I will send Hagrid in with his livestock. They can feed them if they want to save on the budget."

"They want to get rid of the animals?" She asked as they stepped into the street.

"Yes. However, we are putting together a report to show how much it saves the kitchen. He and his are very safe. That is unless they discover the new dragon he is hiding."

"You know of it?"

"It is a dragon or the largest firefly I have ever seen, and since there are no fireflies in Britain I lean toward the dragon theory."

They talked and began walking; soon forgetting to look for a taxi and without realizing the distance they had covered, found themselves standing outside Hermione's apartment building.

"Do you want to come in for a cuppa?" She asked nervously, avoiding his eyes.

"Yes, however knowing we will never make it to the kitchen I will refuse," he responded stiffly releasing her arm and stepping back.

"Would that be a bad thing?"

"No, it has never been a _bad thing_ with you, Hermione, which is why I should leave."

"Should? Or want to?" She lifted her head and studied his face.

He stepped forward and dragged her roughly to him, covering her mouth with his and holding her so tightly she could not reach her arms around him. He felt her heart race against his chest and knew from the way she relaxed, letting her head lean back as he applied more pressure to her lips that she wanted him as badly as he wanted her.

Pulling his head back far enough to see her face, he used one hand to trace her lips, watching as she closed her eyes and sucked at his fingertip, and spoke softly, "I hope you find what you are looking for Hermione."

Shoving her from him he turned and strode away.


	51. Home for the Holiday

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 51**

**Home for the Holiday**

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Abby's letters became sporadic. Sometimes a month would go by before another polite and properly worded note would arrive. That is all they were now, notes. Not lengthy letters of the magical world and the wonderful things she was experiencing, only short clipped notes that Hermione guessed were written at Severus' demands. She knew Abby was at the age where friends and fun were more important than writing letters and still delighted in adding each note to her growing collection.

She was prepared this time when a letter from Severus arrived just before the holidays, inviting her to spend the two weeks over Christmas at Hogwarts. Ready to write a polite refusal, as she had each of the past three years, she laid the quill down and reconsidered, then with a grin wrote her acceptance.

She sat at the kitchen table making a list of what she needed and ideas for her Christmas shopping, trying to remember what she had wanted at fifteen. Sipping her tea, and remembering her own life at that age, she was glad she knew nothing of what Abby was experiencing. Glad that their lives were so very different that Abby did not know what it was like to be preparing for war.

_Fifteen_, she thought. A child, a child just learning the magic and the wonder it held. She wondered what it was like to be that age now, an age she couldn't remember without pain. She remembered learning DADA, and how to throw a shield. She remembered researching dark arts and Voldemort's return. She remembered Harry and Ronald knowing the war was close, and Neville living with the knowledge that the war lived in St. Mungo's.

The lab would shut down over the holidays, the staff leaving town to visit family or travelling to warmer climates on their yearly pilgrimage. The last day before they all left for their destinations, she was smugly proud that she too had somewhere to spend the holidays, and for the first time joined them for the annual Christmas luncheon, feeing anxious and nervous to be going.

She left for Diagon Alley, directly from the restaurant, taking only a small overnight bag, planning to do her shopping then floo to The Three Broomsticks where she had taken a room. The closer the time came, the more her stomach knotted and her face flushed, thinking of Severus and what he would say.

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"Dad, no," Abby tossed the potions book back on the sofa. "I am not wrapping that because you are not giving that to her."

"She will enjoy it." He frowned and folded his arms over his chest, glaring at her.

"Sure, then you can give her the one you bought for her last year, but you're not giving another book."

"She … she … always gets books." He looked sheepishly at the book that lay on the sofa.

"That's the problem," Abby sighed and flopped in his chair. "You really haven't learned much. No wonder she won't take you back."

"One has nothing to do with the other, and it is none of your business." He pinched the bridge of his nose and made a mental note to hex Longbottom and Potter.

"That's not what I hear from Aunt Lavender," she said with a snort.

"Mrs. Weasley, not Aunt Lavender," he said tiredly. "Furthermore you must learn not to listen to rumours and gossip."

"As I was saying, _Aunt Lavender_ says Maggie won't come back because she doesn't trust you and Aunt Ginny agrees. Only Aunt Ginny keeps calling you a git, but Aunt Hannah tells her to shut up cuz it's not your fault you just like to act like one."

"And how, Miss Know-it-all, does this figure into Christmas presents?" He looked at her incredulously, hoping to ignore her comments as he had learned that trying to correct her only made matters worse.

"Christmas presents mean a lot. What is a book? It is not as if she is just someone…like… an old friend or something. Aunt Ginny says when you were married to her you were a right bastard and now you have to …"

"Language!" he thundered. "If this is what you learn at the Potters you can stay home."

"Well, she did." Abby folded her arms and pouted.

Severus picked up the book and read the spine, not seeing the problem. He had ordered the book months ago, thinking Hermione may find it interesting. Now he looked from the tome to Abby and back to the tome, confused.

"She will like it," he said finally, laying the book on top of the wrapping paper. "She is pretending not to be researching charms and potions. I intended to make her aware …"

"Fine, make her mad right off why don't ya? Good idea, give a book on magical potions to a witch living in Muggle London. Great idea, Dad. I wonder how you thought of it? No, I remember, you bought her one for the past… three years and since you're too scared to give them to her you never caught on to the fact that she doesn't want more books. So, yeah, I get it… Dad…you really have to try harder. If all I get is books I'll be pi…disappointed."

Abby jumped up and ran to her room, coming back with the advert section of the Daily Prophet.

"Just look, Dad. Please? Maggie likes things that smell good. She likes candles, and special bath soaps. She likes those soft robes that go all the way to the floor, and I know she loves that old quilt she wraps up in all the time. Maybe a new one or a new bathrobe. Something for her that's not a book."

Severus sat on the sofa, pulled Abby down next to him and draped his arm over her shoulder. "The quilt is blue and green, the blue in the shape of forget-me-nots, the green the leaves. Her mother made it for her before she came to Hogwarts. You do know about her parents? I trust your _Aunt Lavender_ made sure to inform you of that as well."

He waited until she nodded, then released her shoulder and picked up the paper. "Never expect her to give up her old things, it is all she has of them. Replacing them would be hurtful to her."

"Uncle Ron said she mucked it up so bad that they won't ever…"

"Mr. Weasley should not have told you that. Miss Patt..Hermione did what she did for a sound reason. She lived in more dangerous times and did what she felt was right. She was however, perhaps too young to understand fully what she was doing."

"Okay, so a new quilt is out. What about candles? Or perfume? What about new robes. She hasn't been here for so long she's going to need something new to wear. We could go to Diagon and see if they have something she can wear at Christmas."

"Hair combs," he muttered, remembering how Hermione would stand at the shop's window, biting her lip, looking at the sparkling trinkets. "She used to look in the jeweller's window at the hair combs."

"That's perfect! She uses these scrunched up things that always felt horrid, I can only imagine how bad they looked. And a coffee press, she goes through them like you wouldn't believe. And we can stop in at the emporium and get her some of that special tea they serve at the Three Broomsticks, and then check out the robes. She used to have this ratty old brief case, not like your dragon skin one. And I know she could use a new coat, she just holds on to the old stuff. Bet she is still wearing that old coat."

"Pick _one_," he felt his lip twitch as she flew to the hall and pulled their cloaks from the hook.

"Hurry up," she demanded as she ran to the floo to wait for him. "Dad? Do you think… well, I was just wondering because… well you know…but do you think she would mind if I don't call her Maggie."

"As it is not her name I think that appropriate." He slipped on his robes and walked into the floo to join her.

"I was … I was thinking maybe Mum."

Severus frowned as he looked at her, standing in front of him hopeful but scared he would think it a bad idea. "I suggest you ask her for permission. I do not think she will have any objection. However, it is the proper way to handle this."

"You think so? I mean…Dad, do you mind?"

"No, I do not. However, you must be prepared for her refusal."

"Do you think she would?" She bit the inside of her lower lip and looked at him so openly that he regretted his words.

"I do not. However, she has been away from you and this world for a long time. I am no longer sure as to her feelings. She may find it painful to be reminded that she was refused that at one time."

"I'm sure of her feelings," Abby said flatly, as she made more room for him in the fireplace and waited for him to grab the powder. "She's coming for Christmas. She wouldn't do that if she was still pissed at you."

"Language," he sighed loudly, threw down the powder and called out their destination.

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Abby wanted to run to the Emporium after listening to her father's stern warning not to talk to anyone, or to eat anything until it was inspected. She rolled her eyes, stopping when she saw his face darken and felt his hand grab her upper arm.

"Do not, do you hear me? Do not disobey me in this. Am I clear?"

"Yes." She looked down to avoid his eyes just to feel his hand tighten again and a gentle shake.

"Look at me and tell me again!" he hissed.

"Okay, I promise not to eat anything until you can check it. I only want to buy her that tea."

Severus stood straight, releasing her arm. He ran his hand through his hair and thought furiously of what to do. "I would rather we purchased it directly from Madam Rosmerta. She may be using a special blend not available to the public."

"The candles? Can I get those or do I have to promise not to smell them?" she asked defiantly.

"That is quite enough." He suddenly thought of Arthur Weasley who'd had seven and wondered how he had lived so long.

"Fine," she sighed. "There is _one_ book she would like."

"Books are what got us here."

"Aunt Astoria's book is in." She smiled thinly, knowing how he had raged when he had read the first chapter before it landed in the fireplace.

"Mrs. Malfoy," he scowled at her. "Tell me, Miss Snape, when you got up this morning was it with the sole purpose of driving me mad or is this just a sideline of yours?"

"You just don't like the book because she called you a hero. Uncle Draco said that…"

"That's it," he spat as he grabbed her arm and pulled her along. "Professor Malfoy is off limits. Mrs. Malfoy's book is not to be mentioned, and you are not to step foot in the Emporium."

"Why?"

"As much as I regret saying this, as I fear becoming my own father, because I said so."

"Really Severus, that is no way to talk." Hermione stood behind him laughing.

"Maggie!" Abby flew at her, almost knocking her over as she hugged her.

"My baby," Hermione tightened her arms around the girl, closing her eyes and burying her face in Abby's hair. "You are as tall as I am. When did this happen?"

"I miss you," Abby sobbed.

"And I you," Hermione pulled the girls arms away and cupped her face in her hands. "But we have two weeks to get to know each other again and I plan to take advantage of every minute of it."

"Miss Granger," Severus nodded curtly.

"Headmaster," she smiled. "Did you get the letter from the Delphi?"

"Yes, however I have been at this stage before. It means nothing."

"You are an old fool, you do know that." Hermione said flatly, as Abby giggled.

"I am realistic."

"You are the most pessimistic person I know," she said , laughing. "But enough compliments for now, I want to know about you, Abby."

"I am in third year, again." Abby looked at Severus with a scowl. "My own father wouldn't pass me…again. I'm going to be old before I get to fifth year. And he said he doesn't care how old I am, I can't go to the dances until I am in fifth."

"Perhaps because you did not pass the lessons? I have the feeling it was not your father that kept you back, but your own work." Hermione lifted her eyebrow in question and saw the girl blush. "Thought so. Now here, I want you to take these galleons and run down to Blotts, I have to read your Aunt Astoria's book."

Abby took the money Hermione handed her, making sure her father saw her smirk, and set off for the bookstore.

"If I didn't know her I would just think she has a slight accent, almost German in the guttural sounds. You have done well with her, Severus."

"She is still taking speech classes. I am afraid her Latin is off to the point she his having difficulties with her spell work, and her reading is abysmal. At times I worry about where she will end up in using the floo."

"Harry once told of his mispronunciation of Diagon. He was lucky. Walk with me. It has been a long time since I have been here."

She took his arm as they walked down the pavement towards the robe shop. She commenting on the changes she saw, he silently walking beside her. Once outside the door to the shop, she grinned up at him.

"This time I don't plan on stealing the designs."

"If I recall the proper response is to wait at the Leaky Cauldron to carry on our conversation."

"I would very much like that," she said nodding.

"One hour?"

"If I remember I waited about twenty minutes and you were already there."

"Yes, however, that was before I had to drag Abby from the book shop and stop her from buying out the Alley."

"She is wonderful, Severus. She is comfortable with you. I can tell by the way she has the nerve to talk back to you."

"She is wilful, defiant, arrogant, and impossible."

"She is a typical teenager and her father's daughter. It is obvious that you love her, and she you."

"She plans on asking your permission to refer to you as her mother. I only mention this in the event you object, I want to give you time to consider how to answer her. She is … unsure of herself and easily hurt."

"How would you feel about it? After all, you allow me to see her so infrequent…"

"I have invited you before. It is you that has refused."

"It … Severus…you have no idea how hard it is for me to be here, in this world. If I had come before now I would have spent so much time crying and fighting with you it would not have been pleasant. I needed time."

"And now?"

"I am here. I am trying to come back. I can't say I still don't hold certain things against you, but I think I am at the point I can let it go. Do you understand?"

"I do not want to see Abby pulled into this," he said with a scowl. "Your so called friends seem to delight it filling her in on all the details of the past."

"Rather she be prepared for the rumours, so she knows the truth. I … I miss her so much."

"She is too young for some of the…"

"And when I was her age I was getting ready for a war, and at her age you were close to making a choice that ruined your life. Now go, I have shopping to finish, and you have a daughter to collect. If we start this now we will wind up fighting and ruin her day. I will give you two hours, and I expect you to buy my dinner."

Severus waited until the door closed behind her, then reluctantly turned back, stepping onto the pavement, surprised to feel a sense of loss at the removal of her hand from his arm. Walking toward the Emporium, he thought of the book that lay on the wrapping paper and Abby's warning that Hermione would not want it. Schooling his face into his customary scowl, he headed to complete his shopping and make it to The Leaky Cauldron on time.

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.

"My, my," Tom smiled as he handed them three menus. "Didn't think I would ever see the two of you back in here."

"Dad? You used to bring Maggie here?"

"Maggie?" Tom looked at Hermione and saw her shake her head slightly. "Yup, these two used to be in every day pretending to just happen to meet up by accident, except everyone in the Alley knew about it. About the worse kept secret there was."

"That is enough, Tom." Severus scowled and became interested in studying the menu, glancing at Hermione to see her doing the same.

"How'd everyone know?" Abby asked innocently.

"I will have the special," Hermione swallowed hard. "Severus?"

"The same," he sneered, throwing the menu on the table.

"When your Dad here walked down the Alley back then, everyone would clear out of his path, and Miss Granger here … well enough said that a young pretty one like her sitting with your Dad was enough to start the rumours flying."

"Tom," Hermione said. "Abby may like to try the shepherds pie. She used to have a fondness for it."

"She is politely telling you to shut up," Severus ground out.

"Don't believe him Abby." Hermione patted Abby's hand. "He is exaggerating. If there were rumours that anything inappropriate was happening I would have heard them. Your father had business here, and I was … looking for work." She looked at Severus for affirmation and blanched, recognizing the look on his face.

"I wanted to go to Hogsmeade last summer. I thought I could accidently meet this boy, he is in fifth year and so cute. He said if we just happened to accidently meet at The Three Br…"

"NO," Hermione and Severus both snapped up their heads as the same time and admonished her.

"Thought so," Abby grinned happily. "So it's true. You were having an affair."

"Abby," Hermione frowned at her. "You know better. Now, apologise at once."

Abby folded her arms across her chest and leaned back in the chair. "Fine, I'm sorry I found out."

Hermione bit the inside of her cheek to stifle her laugh as Severus glared at her. "It is not funny."

"Abby," Hermione dug into her purse, seeing Augusta doing the same thing years ago. "Here, run down to the Emporium and get me some of that bottled water they sell. I have never liked the water here."

"Sure," Abby said, jumping up and grabbing the money. "Dad, can I …"

"No, just the water." He scowled as she hurried away. "She is not allowed to shop there alone."

"You should have stopped her. Severus, I didn't intentionally go against your wishes."

"She will be fine," he sighed.

"I am sure it is perfectly safe." She covered his hand with her own. "Thank you, thank you for your concern but she is safe, and the Emporium was not at fault."

"There are still those that may resent me, and …"

"I won't listen to this. We need to look ahead, not back. That is my mantra now."

"We need to look back long enough to agree on a story before she returns," he said, feeling his lip twitch. "I, who could kneel before the dark Lord, and face down Dumbledore sucking his infernal lemon drops, am at loss on how to deal with a teenage girl."

"You have a schoolful, I would think you would know better," she laughed.

"Lessons are quite different, Miss Granger."

"Who is the boy?"

"Muggle born, sixteen years old, does well in potions…"

"I did not ask for his credentials, I asked his name."

"Lance McGovern, as I said, Muggle born."

"And you don't trust him with her?"

"She is a child."

"She is fifteen. She is at that age when boys can make her think of things other than her father's warnings and school lessons." Hermione saw the pulse in his neck quicken and grinned. "She has been kept back in school, not in hormones. She needs to know about such things. I can have a talk with her if you would like."

"I do not think your ideas on seduction and casual sexual partners is what I had in mind," he said coldly.

Hermione stood up and gathered her packages. "I am staying at the Broomsticks. Perhaps you will allow Abby to visit me tomorrow. I shall make sure my bed is empty of visitors when she arrives. I expect an apology from you. And I expect it by breakfast or you can explain to Abby why I left before lunch." Fighting back a further retort, she hurried to the floo and left for Hogsmeade.


	52. Talking

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 52**

**Talking**

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The next morning, Hermione went downstairs to the dining area and found Abby already waiting for her. She gave her a sealed letter from her father, then stood expectantly while Hermione opened it and began to read. When Hermione finished the letter, she winked at Abby then shoved it in her pocket.

"Have you eaten yet?"

"So, what did he say?"

"He said nothing, he wrote a short note." She grinned and made her way to a table. "Join me?"

"I like eating here," Abby sat down and looked around the crowded room. "It is usually empty but with Christmas and all it fills up. You want me to go find Rosmer…Madam Rosmerta and order? It's faster that way and when it's busy she sometimes lets me help."

"What does your father say about you working here?"

"He … he doesn't like it," she slid into the chair next to Hermione. "He says I can do better than working at an Inn. But…I like it here. I try, I really do. I study harder than anyone else does. Last summer I took lessons every day and I'm still not good enough to make him happy."

"Which part gives you the most problems?" Hermione leaned close to her, holding her hands, seeing tears begin to well in Abby's eyes.

"I can't do my Arithmancy at all, and the numbers in potions don't make sense. I was sent out of Runes, _that_ really got him going. He says I don't try, but I do. I try super hard. I get the dates all mixed up in History. I can remember what happened, and who said what but not the numbers."

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"He'll be angry if he thinks I am complaining. I'm pretty good at spells, and in transfiguration," she said hopefully.

"Those are hard lessons," Hermione smiled and ruffled her hair. "Your Dad just wants the best for you. He probably blames himself. He would think it is something he didn't do right, or something he could fix. He can be protective to the point of destroying everything around him."

"Hi kiddo," Rosmerta slid a pot of tea and a couple of cups on the table. "Want to earn some spending money?"

"Maggie?"

"Sure, I have shopping to do." Hermione smiled seeing her run off.

"Maggie? So _you_ are her _Maggie_," Rosmerta cocked an eyebrow at her.

"It's a long story. It's good to see you again."

"Can't say I wasn't surprised to see your name on the register. Would have thought you would be staying with the Potters or up at the school."

"I have shopping to do here in town. I may need a room for a few extra nights, are there vacancies?"

"Already acting the fool is he?" Rosmerta frowned.

"You might say that." Hermione could not help but laugh at Rosmerta's quick assessment of the situation.

"Sorry kiddo, have one for tonight and tomorrow, but full up after that."

"Great," Hermione muttered.

"Breakfast today is eggs, sausage, sliced tomatoes and toast. I had muffins, but they are gone. Anything else is extra."

"That toast still made with your homemade bread?"

"No other kind, don't serve it at all when I run out of my own, and looking at this crowd I best tell Abby to get her _Maggie's_ breakfast out first."

"She cooks here? I thought she waited tables."

"Yeah, she does that sometimes. But she can get right skitterish around strangers, but she knows her way around the kitchen."

"How does she… she said she has problems with measurements?"

"Does, but she colour spelled the measuring scales and milk jugs, now she does just fine. She is right smart, she is. She just… sees the numbers differently."

Hermione sat and drank her tea as Rosmerta walked away, thinking of how hard it must be for Abby, and wondered how Severus could ever accept the fact that he had adopted a child not capable of understanding his work.

"Rosmerta, what do you know of his McGovern boy." She took the plate from Rosmerta's hands when she returned with her breakfast and was surprised when she sat down in the chair Abby had vacated.

"He's a good boy. I don't say that about most. All hands, elbows, and tight trousers if you get my meaning. He's good to her. Watches out for her when the others start their teasing." She looked over her shoulder to make sure Abby was still in the kitchen. "Told him I would cut it off if he touched her."

Hermione sprayed a mouthful of tea on the table as she choked. "My gods, I don't believe you said that."

"Can't wait for Snape. He thinks she is still twelve, and treats her as if she is made of spun glass. Though to give him his due… she is a little behind the others. Acts younger, you know? Not that being a little slow in her studies slows down the hormones. Don't you worry. I sent an owl to Poppy who had a talk with her right off."

"You do know he will be furious if he finds out," Hermione laughed.

"Not as furious as being called Grandpa." Rosmerta grinned. "Now I got work to do and you should eat before it gets cold. Don't got to worry about that girl. She has a good head on her shoulders, and with all her Aunts and Uncles watching she's going to have a hard time sneaking off with him."

.

.

.

Hermione found what she was looking for, and picked up a dress to wear on Christmas day. A quick trip into Honeydukes completed her shopping. She sent large boxes of chocolates to Harry and Ronald, but opted for a prepaid weekend at the Three Broomsticks for Neville, and a bottle of elfin wine for Draco. She had gift certificates for all their children, three for the Potters and Weasleys, and two each for the Longbottoms and Malfoys. She sent everything by owl post and finally done, went back to the hotel.

"Maggie!" Abby greeted her. "You should have seen the lunch crowd. It was even bigger, but I saved you a sandwich and some soup. You're hungry right?"

"Famished," she sighed collapsing into the first chair she came to. "I haven't done real Christmas shopping for years. I forgot this part of it or didn't notice the crowds when I was younger."

A sudden crashing noise from the street startled them. They both rushed to the window peering out as the glass shattered around them. Hermione pulled Abby to the floor, pushing her under the table as Rosmerta rushed to the door with her wand. Within moments, the air crackled with sounds of apparation as Aurors descended on Hogsmeade.

"Are you okay?" Hermione crawled from under the table and inspected Abby for injuries. At first confused when Abby dug under her collar, pulled out a necklace, and squeezed it hard.

"Dad will come." She breathed heavily, tears starting to run down her cheeks.

"Abby, it is okay. The Aurors are here, and no one seems hurt. Look," she turned her to the opening in the glass, encouraging her to see for herself. "Look, Uncle Harry is here. It's fine."

"Dad…he will come. He…he can make it stop. You'll see, we will be…"

"Abby! Look at me," Hermione grabbed Abby's chin and pulled her face up. "It's okay, you are not hurt."

The floo activated and Severus rushed out, robes billowing, his wand already in his hand. He took one look at the broken window and rushed to Abby, dragging her toward the floo.

"Wait in the sitting room. Do not move from there. I will expect a full explanation for why you did not use your portkey." He pushed her into the floo forcefully and threw down the powder, then turned angrily to Hermione.

"This is why she is not allowed out by herself," Severus ground out, trying to contain his rage.

"She wasn't by herself, she was with me."

"In this place a wandless witch is of no use. She could have been hurt," he spat.

"A rock Severus, someone threw a rock." She looked at him evenly and tossed him Abby's wand. "I took it from her so get off your high horse."

Severus caught the wand and shoved it in his pocket, then strode to the window to look out at the street. The Aurors had rounded up three witches, and taking them to the side had begun to cast memory charms.

"What is that all about?" Hermione frowned.

"Squibs," he spat. "They are protesting Christmas, or rather our celebrating it."

"Why alter their memories?"

"It is thought if they do not think they were successful they will stop, and no one is willing to punish them. "

"Why ever not? If they destroy …"

"They are old women. Each has lost too much to the war and finds comfort in their yearly pilgrimage here. If they continue to think, their first protest should be in Hogsmeade, they will keep returning and go no further. If you speak to the shopkeepers not one will press charges."

"Then… why was Abby so fearful?"

"Abby does not like … change. She does not handle loud noises, crowds, and any sort of deviation. She is not as she appears, Hermione."

"Have you had her looked at by St. Mungo's?"

He waved his hand at the window, repairing the glass and led her back to the table. Sitting down and studying her face.

"Well, at least that is over for another year. No harm done. You want tea Snape?" Rosmerta called over her shoulder as she headed for the kitchen, not waiting for an answer.

"That witch annoys me," he said flatly. "She will send out a cup of tea if I want it or not."

"We were talking about Abby," she said evenly, giggling at the cup of tea that was levitated out and set on the table.

"When Abbey first came here I took your assessment as to her intelligence. You were misled or too close to her to see the problems."

"That's not fair, Severus. She is smart. She catches on quickly. Once she understood what the Braille meant, not a day passed that she was not reading, asking questions, searching for a way to communicate."

"She reads, poorly, but she can keep up in that area. However, there is still a small amount of brain damage that they cannot heal. It appears she is incapable of math, anything to do with numbers is beyond her, as are concepts without concrete examples."

"Will she improve?"

"The tests indicate no. However, I have my own theory. She did well in Braille. I am having her texts converted for her."

"Muggles have a term, Dyslexia, are you familiar with it?"

"Yes, I thought along the same lines, hence the Braille."

"Severus, she thinks you are sorely disappointed in her. She promised me to secrecy, so one word to her and I will steal her wand and hex you, but she was in tears over it. She thinks you are angry that she does not study hard enough, that she is kept back in school."

"I have never given her reason to think that," he scowled. "I have made it clear what is expected of her in other areas. What has just happened here, being one of them. She should have returned home instead of sending for me. If there had been a problem I may not have arrived in time."

"Tell me, would her port key have taken both of us?" She watched his face darken. "Then you have your answer. She didn't want to leave me alone. By protecting her in everything, you have taught her to protect others as well."

"I will address it with her." He stood stiffly. "I did not receive an answer to my… request this morning."

"If you promise not to ever speak to me like that again, I shall be glad to join you and Abby at the castle. However, if you ever talk to me like that again I never want to see you again. Am I understood?"

"Perhaps I did not express myself correctly. I only meant…"

"You inferred I was a whore, Severus. You inferred that you and I only slept together because I wanted sex and that I sleep around. I will consider the matter closed, that is if you agree to my terms." She stood and looked down at him. "I am already packed. However, with my recent purchases, I need help carrying or I will make two trips."

"Leave them. I am sure Millie will find the trip desirable. Furthermore, I have never thought of you that way. It was a poor choice of words, Hermione, you know I would never think of you that way."

"Apology accepted." Hermione leaned down and kissed his cheek. "Was that so hard?"

"Not as hard as writing that letter this morning," he grumbled.

"It gets easier you know."

"Nothing about you gets easier," he muttered, standing up and glaring down at her. "If you are ready we can leave at once."

Severus flooed with her directly to their old chambers in Hogwarts. "I thought you would like to stay here. If I remember you quite enjoyed the bath."

"Yes, I must say I am surprised to see they are as I left them. I would have thought one of the other Professors would have taken advantage of them," she said quietly. "There are so many memories here."

She stepped to the window and looked out to the mountains and the lake, feeling like she had indeed come home.

"I do not have room in my chambers, nor are there any others readied." Severus said stiffly.

"I could have stayed in the chambers behind your bookcase, or in the dungeons. It would have been easier than getting these readied. I…I thank you for this."

"Since we are on the opposite side of the castle I have warded the door and set the floo to only activate between here, my sitting room, and the Three Broomsticks. There is no one else in the castle and no one to patrol the grounds. If you need anything you may call for Millie."

"I hope you are not hard on Abby. She was protecting me, not going against your wishes."

"How I discipline her is not your concern. She will do as she is told," he said coldly. "She will learn not to put herself in harm's way more than my name has done already."

"The war is over, Severus. Lucius and his are gone." She frowned as she pulled off her coat and threw it on the sofa. "Surly you of all people should know that."

"I will not…"

"She needs to be able to enjoy life, be a teenager, and learn to make friends. Perhaps that is part of our problem. I don't think either one of us had that. I had more of a childhood than you and there are still things I don't think I could ever talk to her about. I think you have done extremely well with her, considering how your own father raised you."

He sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I hear his words come out of my mouth."

"That happens. Tell me, do you finally believe you are not your father? I can tell by the way she stands up to you she has never felt the back of your hand."

"It is … tempting at times," he said with a smirk.

"I know," she said laughing. "I remember the time she decided to put on my makeup. Now, you have to think back to what she was like before she came here. Have you ever seen what a blind ten year old can do to a pot of rouge?"

He looked at her blankly. "She is too young for makeup."

"She … you _are_ in trouble." Hermione giggled. "Ask Hannah to get her some. Not Ginny, and for heavens sake, not Astoria. Hannah will make sure she only gets a little lip-gloss, maybe some eye shadow. She learns from either Hannah or the others in her house. I think you would prefer a witch over another teenage girl."

Later, after Hermione thought that Severus and Abby should be sleeping, she called Millie and had the elf take her to the library. She pulled out a book of matches and lit the candles in the restricted section. Then pulling out a small digital camera, she found the books she wanted to copy and prayed that the magic she could feel radiate from the pages would not stop her from capturing their images.

It was not Severus' refusal that she was afraid to hear, it was his questions, and his insistence that what she still sought be put to rest. Determined to find a solution that she had not found in her studies at the University she now returned to the place that always seemed to supply her with what she needed. If not giving her the answer, she always found the next question.

She was returning the books to the shelves when she felt a presence behind her, and spinning around came face to face with Severus.

"I thought this is where you would be." He was leaning back on the edge of the table, arms folded, frowning at her. He pushed himself off the table and examined the book she had just returned to the shelf. "How many years of your life are you giving up to this?"

"As many as I need. You know me better than to think I can quit." She spoke quietly, studying his profile against the light.

"It…it is good to have you here," he said stiffly.

"Abby told you to say that. Right?" She smirked and picked up her handbag.

"It is a sentiment I agree with," he muttered. "I do not however, agree with what you are doing here, in the library."

"I didn't accept your invitation just for this," she said softly. "I wanted to come, to see you. I just thought as long as I was here I would…take advantage of it and look up a couple of things."

"You have always been welcomed to research here. I have never denied you, nor would I."

"I know," she said with a sigh. "I just don't want to hear your questions about it, or defend myself to you. I didn't want to…to take what little time we have together and turn it into a fight."

"Have I ever made you defend your research?"

"You know?"

"Of course, I know you well. When I gave you my old journals I knew they would not deter you. I only hoped to make your journey to the end…faster, having wasted time on it myself."

"Walk with me? I have been gone so long I would like to see it again."

He nodded and began to snuff the candles. "You need a wand to light the candles up here. "

"Couldn't resist could you," she said with a smirk.

"They have been spelled to burn cold with a Lumos, it is dangerous to use hot flames near the books." He snuffed out the last one, plunging them into utter blackness then lit his wand, lighting the space around them, and held his hand out to her. "Come."

She hesitated for only a moment before slipping her hand into his and allowing him to lead her out of the library and through the familiar hallways. He kept her hand in his as they strolled along the same corridors she had walked a hundred times, silently letting her revisit her memories. As they reached the ground floor, and the wall sconces lit their path with the golden glow of a hundred candles, he returned his wand to his pocket, and tucked her hand into his elbow.

Slowly they made it to the end of the hallway, and started up the steps toward Hermione's chambers. Once at the door he released her arm and dropped the wards to the door. "If you need anything…"

"I will call for Millie," she said softly. "Thank you for the …tour. It is good to be back. I worried myself sick about this, but now… now I am glad I … I am here."

He smirked, knowing she had meant to say something else and even in the dark knew her neck would begin to flush, eventually making its way to her cheeks.

"Don't say it," she laughed.

"I would not think of it," he said flatly, then turned on his heel, calling back over his shoulder. "You are, however, welcomed to _come_ with me any time you want."

She stood frozen, not trusting she had heard him correctly, then began to laugh as she went into her chambers.


	53. Christmas

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 53**

**Christmas**

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Christmas morning Hermione woke to a present on the bottom of her bed for the first time in years. Since she had left, her only concession to the holidays was setting up the cards she received on an end table and putting her presents, always books, from Harry and Ronald with them. She pulled the brightly wrapped package closer and saw Abby's scrawl on the gift card. Smiling at the _For Mum_, she ripped off the paper and saw the emerald green robe with a Slytherin Emblem on the lapel. She chuckled to see house pride still so strong and stood to slip it on as Millie popped in.

"They waits, by the tree they waits," Millie smiled widely.

"I have something for you," Hermione grinned and collected the packages she had brought for the elf. "First, due to the festive day I knitted you a hat."

Millie blanched and stepped back, holding her hands up. "Oh, no Master's not Missus."

"Millie, you wear clothes now. Why not wear a hat?"

"The others, they see a hat from youes, they be scared." Milled craned her neck and looked at the red hat, with evident longing.

"You could tell them Father Christmas left it for you," she giggled as Mille snatched it from her hands and put it on. "Now, I have your real present."

Hermione sat on the bed cross-legged before handing Mille the wrapped package. "I had this made especially for you. I wanted to thank you for all you have done for me, and for your Master, for looking after him when no one else would, for being there for him. The tailor must have thought I was loopy."

Millie opened a perfect set of formal robes, trimmed in emerald green satin. She looked up at Hermione with tears in her eyes. "I wear them today for your special person."

"My special person?"

"You man who has birthday today."

"Thank you, Millie." She smiled thinly, again confused that a world that so avoided religion celebrated this day.

"Now you goes, they waits by the tree."

"Tell them I need to dress then I will join them."

"You goes now. They not dressed too. It's Christmas."

Hermione rolled her eyes and walked to the floo, hoisting up the robe so as not to get soot on the hem, and left for Severus' chambers.

"Maggie!" Abby squealed and grabbed her hand, pulling her to sit by the tree. "Dad said we should wait for you but I didn't want to, so I opened my robe."

"Very pretty," Hermione laughed, seeing Abby's robe was identical to the one she wore. "As a matter of fact I think it is the prettiest robe I have ever owned. You must have remembered that broken heater, which I must add I still have."

"Told you she would like it," Abby grinned at her father.

"Abby, the little package, the red one, see it? Yes, give that one to your father and the one in gold is for you."

"Dad, you go first."

Severus sat forward on his chair and opened the package to find a small case, which opened to reveal a golden pocket watch. He flipped it open and read the inscription which was beautifully etched, _Never Doubt_, and snapped his eyes up to Hermione watching her smile and talk to Abby, who jumped up to see what he held.

"Wow, can I see the inside?"

"Not until you finish opening yours," he snapped the box closed and waved at the tree. "Go on, I am going into debt for you. I want to see you open them."

Abby opened up the rest of her presents, squealing in delight at the small diamond earrings Hermione had bought her and chided her father that now she had a reason to get her ears pierced. Grabbing up her new clothes she ran off to try them on and preen for the holiday.

"I am sorry, Severus. I never would have bought them if I had known you disapproved of ear piercing," she said sadly. "It seems I keep putting my nose in your business and that is not my intent. I just know at that age how special things like that are."

Severus leaned to the side so he could pull a package from his pocket. He handed it to her and leaned back in the chair to watch her open it.

She opened the box and found a set of perfectly matched set of hair combs and a matching emerald necklace. Looking up in shock at the expense of the gift, she saw him watching her intently.

"I can't accept these, Severus," she choked, and laid them down on the coffee table. "You spent a fortune on them. More than I make in a year I am sure."

He stood and walked to his desk, pulled out a scroll and handed it to her. "This came late yesterday."

She unrolled the parchment and began to read it as her hand covered her mouth. Jumping up she wrapped her arms around him and started to cry into his neck.

"I thought you would be pleased witch." He peeked over her head to make sure Abby's door was still shut before allowing himself to hold her close.

"I am," she sniffed. "I don't believe after the way they acted that they could ever accept your work. Have you told anyone?"

"No, I thought you deserved to know first. There is to be a dinner on the first I would appreciate it if you could attend."

"Appreciate but not ask? Grand Master to the Delphi. My gods, Severus. I would love to go, if for no other reason than to gloat." She searched his face for any hint that he was pleased, at least seeing a small smile as he looked down at her. "What better Christmas present is there?"

"You," he said evenly.

She pulled away and returned to her chair, reaching for the tea service that was set out. "Do you want a cup?"

"I told Abby we could take breakfast in town. It would be best if you dressed now."

"I think it will be _best_ if you two had some time without me. I have to shower first, you two run on. I will see you when you get back."

"Hermione?" He took a step to her, and then stopped when she hurried to the floo.

"Tell Abby I will see her when you get back." She held the powder in her fist and smiled at him. "And don't act like a git. I want to see the front page of that rag they call a paper around here. I want to read what Skeeter says about you now."

"Hermione?"

"I am so proud of you, Severus, so very proud," she whispered, then threw down the powder and disappeared.

Later that afternoon Abby and Hermione sat on the floor playing games with toys that were old even when Hermione was a child. A wooden top elicited their giggles until it spun out of control and zipped under the desk. Abby grabbed a bag of marbles and looked at Hermione expectantly.

"I've seen it played a few times, only I was never able to get it right." Hermione grabbed a marble, nestled it in the crook of her index finger and tried to flick it with her thumb only to have the marble fall like a leaden weight. "Something like that. You draw a circle and put your other marbles in it, you get to keep the ones you knock out of a circle with the shooter."

"Dad? Can you do it?"

Severus peered around the edge of his Daily Prophet and scowled at the pair on the floor. "You are too old to play with such childish things. I suggest you use you time more wisely."

"_I am_ _not_ too old," Hermione giggled as Abby swatted the back of her head. "Hey!"

Hermione scrambled on her hands and knees, snatched Severus' wand from the end table and rolled to her back pointing it at Abby with a loud _Rictusempra_. Abby gasped and began to laugh, picking up her own wand and shooting it back at Hermione, who managed to throw up a shield just as the hex left Abby's mouth.

With a wave of his hand, Severus released Abby from the spell, folded his newspaper carefully and turned back to Abby. "If you want to do something as childish as that, I would suggest you do it correctly."

"Ah, Dad… you're no fun!"

"Spells are not for fun." He looked down at Hermione who still lay on the floor, gasping for breath as she recovered from her laughter. "I once instructed you that I would have no foolish wand waving. This is the correct way."

He fell to his knees next to Hermione, who let out a surprised squeal and tried to roll away as his hands grabbed her sides and held her still. Straddling her thighs, he began to tickle her ribs, Abby attacking her feet at the same time.

Hermione giggled, not able to stop, twisting from side to side, gasping for air. "Gods, stop," she choked. "I can't take it."

"Fair's fair, you got me!" Abby called out.

Hermione felt Severus shift his position and stop his attack, glad but confused she sucked in air and watched him rise to his feet, brushing his hair back from his eyes as he did. Sitting up she saw him turn away, and grinned at the realization that he was hiding his obvious erection from Abby.

"Your father is right," she giggled as a new wave of giddiness swept over her. "I am getting too old for this."

"Getting doesn't mean you're there yet, Mum."

Hermione stopped laughing and reached her hand to Abby's cheek. "I like that. It sounds…right."

"You … you don't mind?"

"Mind? Why would I mind? If you didn't have magic you would still be mine legally. You know why you came here, the only reason you came here and I couldn't keep you."

"Hermione!" Severus scowled.

"Oh stop, she knows you love her, she would be a fool not to. She should know I do too." Hermione stood and brushed off her robes. "I have packages I want you to take with you to the Potters. I left them out on my bed. I tried sending them by owl but he must have his wards set too tight."

"I'll leave from your floo. I want to get there early enough to show off my earrings before Aunt Astoria shows up."

"Still the bit…"

"Hermione!" Severus cautioned.

"Well, she is," Hermione giggled.

"If you want to come back from the Burrow you need to have Arthur reset the floo to your chambers," Severus reminded her.

"The Burrow?" Hermione looked at Abby confused.

"Yeah, I spend Christmas nights there. Dad … Aunt Molly says you can come for dinner and she wouldn't mind if you brought Mum. She sets a place every year."

"Give her my regrets," he said stiffly, knowing that Molly would not take kindly to Hermione's presence.

Hermione waited until Abby left the room before commenting. "I am glad you let her keep in touch with them. She used to get so excited when Ron visited. And…thanks, I don't think I am ready for the Weasley clan right now."

"She needs experiences that I cannot give her."

"You have done wonderfully with her."

She walked to him, looked down at the budge that still pressed against his trousers and grinned. "We could take care of that."

"Have you no shame witch," he said, feeling his lip twitch. "Or are you the fool?"

"Not when it comes to you. Never have, never will," she said huskily, fisting his lapels and standing on her toes to reach his mouth.

He leaned down brushing her lips softly, not intending to do more. "Abby could come back at any time."

"We have a whole castle. I am sure we could find someplace she couldn't find us." She laughed and stepped away from him. "I promised myself I wouldn't do this I hope you know. Now look at me, gods…come let's play a game of chess instead. That sounds safer."

"Safe from me, or safe from allowing yourself to let go? Be careful, Hermione. If you protect yourself for too long you may forget how."

"I don't want a lecture, and I don't want to argue on Christmas from someone that …. I used to play a long time ago. Remember? Ron tried to teach me."

He waved her to the coffee table, where they set up the board and sat silently as they played. The first game was over before Hermione had time to set up any defence at all. The second lasted a little longer as she tried to recall what Ronald had told her, controlling the ranks and files, attacking at the flanks while positioning to fall the king. She lost again, but this time earned a _well done_ from Severus.

She packed the game back in the box and returned it to the shelf, turning back to find that Severus had followed her. His hands entwined through her hair and pulled her mouth to his harshly,

"I thought I would seduce you for a change," he whispered into her ear, holding her head so tightly she could not turn away.

"Ah, I hear all Grand Masters prefer the dominant role," she whispered back. "I should have thought of that."

He studied her face, then let his eyes travel down, looking at her body. "I have enjoyed this past week. I am glad you came."

She lifted her eyebrow and smirked at him. "I haven't yet."

"Witch," he sighed. "You are my undoing."

"I am glad."

He slid his hands down her side, sliding up her dress, then quickly bent, bringing up her leg as he pushed her back into the wall at the same time. "I could take you here."

He lowered his head to her, kissing the place on her neck, just behind her ear that he knew she liked. He felt her arms reach under his, her nails pressing into his back. The memory of doing the same thing behind the walled enclosure at Potter's house flashed into his mind, as he determined to finish it this time.

He lowered one hand to free himself, as Hermione's hands found his belt and hurriedly undid it, tugging at the zipper until he helped her. He pushed down his trousers and boxers with one hand, still holding her leg he lifted it higher, as she let her knee fall to the side, putting her heel behind him. He stepped closer, standing between her legs, again, lowering his head to her neck, kissing the shell of her ear, and falling on the mouth hungrily. He locked his eyes on hers as he grasped the band of the thong she wore and pulled it quickly, breaking the strap and pulling what was left of the garment away.

"I won't stop this time," he muttered, his mouth crashing to hers, his hand stroking between her legs. Her arms grabbed his neck as she strained to lift up, helping him to pin her against the wall as he bent his knees and came up quickly, thrusting into her. She gasped and clung to him, her head falling forward, laying on his shoulder, waiting for him to slow, as he always did, to give her time. But he did not wait for her, or coax her sensations this time, only pulled out again, driving back into her as hard as he could, hearing her breath of surprise, and seeing the look on her face. Locking his eyes on hers, seeing her unflinching return, he relentlessly drove into her until he felt himself begin to slide over the edge. Gritting his teeth, he fought to last, fought to stop the impending release when he felt her tighten her muscles, rhythmically bringing him to a point he could not stop. He saw her smile and her eyes well with tears, as he closed his eyes and rigidly emptied himself.

"Fuck," he said, laying his forehead on hers, as he softened and slipped out of her. "I tried to … you should have let me go longer. You didn't…"

"Shhh, it's okay, I'm fine." She grabbed his face and pulled it down for a quick kiss. "I wanted to watch you for a change. You always try to make it good for me. I wanted to make it good for you this time."

He lowered her, holding her, until she nodded that she was ready to stand on her own, then waived his hand, sending a cleaning spell to both of them, before pulling up his trousers. "I need to get you a potion."

"No need. I am taking Muggle birth control," she tossed back at him, as she retrieved her ripped thong and shoved it in her pocket.

"I told you I do not approve of their methods," he said with a scowl.

"I don't think it is you place to object any longer. All you need to know is that I have taken care of it."

"I see. So am I to know if I am sleeping with the entire Muggle world?" he spat angrily watching her walk away from him, not meeting his eyes.

"Careful, how you talk to me. We have an agreement, and no, you know better. You knew of Frank, and yes, we used condoms if that is what you are so ineloquently asking. There was only one before him. Don't, don't you dare say it…you pushed me away! You refused to even see me… you wanted me to move on."

"I do not care about that. I want to know about now," he ground out. "Tell me Hermione, what should I never doubt?"

"Never doubt? The watch? Never doubt that I love you." She wrapped her arms around her waist and walked to the window. "I should leave in the morning. I thought I could do this but I was wrong. I will think of something to tell Abby, but … if I stay here…if I …I just can't do it. I'm sorry."

"You come to bed with me willingly, eager and let me …take you any time I want, only to push me away as soon as you close your legs. Do not pretend it is anything more," he said angrily. "I know you too well, Hermione."

"I let you fuck me. Is that what you were going to say?" she tried to laugh. "I am aware now of what you once told me. The fact that you were familiar with sex but not love. It seems most men have that same…familiarity. I decided they were right… this is just sex after all. It means nothing.

Did I ever tell you of Richard? No? Well, he was the man that said he loved me. He forgot to mention it was the sex he loved, almost as much as he loved his wife, whom he also forgot to mention to me. You already know of Frank. I must say, I was surprised when you wanted me after knowing about Frank. I guess I was wrong about you on that level at least. I used to think you wouldn't bed me if I had known someone else."

He yanked her arm, spinning her around before he grabbed both her arms and shoved her into the wall. "Do you want to see the difference between being fucked and being made love to? Do you want me to show you what I can do to you?"

"Leave me alone," she struggled against him, her eyes flashing with anger.

"If you act like a whore, I will treat you like one!" He pushed her away raking his hands through his hair. "You are right. It may be best if you left. I will make arrangements to have Abby see you in London next summer."

"Severus," she said softly, laying her hand on his arm. "Can't you just take what I am able to give? Can't we just be together without dredging up the past and always fighting about it? I would very much like to try. "

"I will not run off to London every time I want to fuck you, Hermione, nor will I have you running to my bed with Abby in the next room," he sneered. "I misread you once again."

"What do you want? You want a marriage? Like whose? Draco's? Whose wife lives at the Manor while he stays here? I don't think they even sleep together any more only both are too proud to admit it is a mistake, and the Malfoy name too rich for Astoria to give up. How about Ronald? He likes his home life, a wife and a family to run to. Especially when his girlfriend is too busy for him. Is that what you want? Harry's? Who is wondering what happened to the person he married as she turns more and more into her mother, spending all her time at the Burrow and less and less with him?

You told me once you wanted the strings, all the problems that came with marriage, and then you threw me away. I know why, I know Severus, but it still hurts. It is still there every time you touch me. I can't help but think you'll want rid of me again if times get rough. I can't live like that.

I can't even forget you when I am with someone else. I tried that too. I can't help it… I tried. Every time the lights went off, every time I let someone touch me, I closed my eyes and I saw you, not them, you. I promised myself two things and in a matter of minutes, I have broken both. I need to leave. I have tried. Maybe I was not meant to be married, and have children. Maybe I should just … give it up completely."

He strode to her and yanked her close, holding her arms tightly, shaking her. "Tell me why you cry. Tell me how you can say you are just looking for release and cry every time you are with me, every time I touch you."

"Let me…"

"Tell me what is wrong," he demanded.

"I don't want to feel, you make me feel and I don't want to anymore!" She wrapped her arms around his neck and cried. "I've lost everyone I ever loved, every one that said the loved me has walked away. I can't do that again. I love you, I love you and if I come back… I can't stand to lose you again. I can't stand to lose you and know I would lose Abby at the same time."

"Gods witch." He buried his head in her hair and inhaled her smell. "I spent over half my life pushing people away. I can tell you from experience it is not a good idea."

"It is hard," she whispered.

"Not as hard as waking up one morning to find no one waits," he said with a loud sigh, then pulled her away from his neck to look at her. "The mere fact that you just said _if you come back_ means you have considered it, that you want to try."

"For Abby, yes."

"Only her?" He lifted her face and waited until she was looking at him fully. "We settle this once and forever. I will not have her brought into our problems."

"We have had this conversation before. It didn't work then, what makes now any different?"

"Because this time, we _both_ know what we will lose."

"Say it. Please, just say it."

"Words don't mean much with you." He pushed the hair back from her face and leaned down, kissing her tenderly on the forehead. "I do love you. Have you not figured that out yet?"

"I know, that day in the hospital…that is the first time I really _believed _it. Until then…until then I always felt I just happened along…that I forced you into something you didn't want."

"I didn't at the time. If you remember correctly, you distracted me from what I needed to do. Now…let me finish," he held up a hand to silence her protests, "I am not saying you were an unwanted distraction or that the fault was not mine as well… I am saying that…I could not concentrate on what I had to finish and keep you close, keep you safe, at the same time."

"You are making the same mistake with Abby. She is terrified of disappointing you. You have to tell her why you are doing things … not just that she should follow your directions blindly. Remember sending me to the villa? I was so angry with you over that I could have ripped your eyes out. You are doing it again."

.He frowned and ran his hand through his hair, sighing loudly. "She would not understand, she is too young to…"

"There you go again," she turned away from him, exasperated. "She is growing up, Severus. She understands a lot more then you think."

"You are changing the topic again."

"I am not," Hermione said softly. "I am telling you what is going to change around here if I am staying."

"I take it that we need to buy you a new wand?" He closed his eyes and let out a rush of breath, relieved at her admission.

"No, I bought one in Diagon. It was my Christmas gift to myself. I have it packed in my luggage…but I bought it."

"Hermione," he whispered as he gently turned her to face him, wiping her eyes with the pad of his thumb. "I have enjoyed your being here the past few days. I have enjoyed your company, and your laughter. You have been away too long."

"It feels right," she tried to smile, "it is comfortable here. I have missed it. I have missed you…I have missed you so much."

"I just remembered something, " he smirked, scooped her up and started toward his bedroom. "You were not finished. I plan to correct that situation."

"Severus!" She swatted at his shoulders as he strode to his room. "You put me down."

"I plan on checking out that Muggle birth control."

"I am taking the pill you git," she huffed as he dropped her on the bed.

"Good, I would hate to think you shove one of those…"

"Don't say it," she frowned. "I will use what I want."

"Fine." He sat on the edge of the bed, pulling off his boots. "We need to go slowly."

"You didn't say that a few minutes ago," she said incredulously.

"Not about sex." He turned and leaned down on his elbow. "That has never been one of our problems. I was speaking …"

"I know," she sighed, leaning back on the pillow, tracing his mouth with her fingertip. "I … I will find a job locally and find a place in town until we figure where to go from here."

"That is you choice. However, the rooms you are using have always been yours."

"Can we not do this now?" She laid her palm against his cheek and sighed. "I need to …will you just lay with me? Better yet, give me a little time…just …let me rest. We can talk more later."

He nodded and sat up on the edge of the bed. "Why don't you sleep for now? I have reading I must finish, and you need to rest."

Hermione curled on her side, while he pulled up the edge of the quilt and wrapped it around her, kissing her forehead before returning to the sitting room. She pulled his pillow into her arms and drifted off to sleep, praying that she had made the right choice, and praying that he understood. She thought it strange that now that he was near, now that he was in the next room, she no longer needed to feel his touch to know that he loved her.


	54. Memories

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 54**

**Memories  
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Hermione sat up in bed, fully awake, swinging her legs over the side of her bed at once. She started for the fireplace, then turned back, yanked her robe off the chair and hurried inside to floo to Severus. She was still pushing her arms into the sleeves when she stumbled out into his chambers.

She bit her lip and stopped just long enough to consider the fact that she should not barge into his bedchamber in the middle of the night, even if she had left it just hours before, then ripped open the door, doing just that.

"Severus," she whispered, climbing up on his bed and shaking him. "Severus, I need to talk to you."

He came awake, sitting up and reaching for his wand at the same time his eyes flew open.

"It's me." she reached over, took it out of his hand and tossed it on the floor. "I need to talk."

"It is the middle of the night," he grumbled, then came suddenly fully awake. "Is it Abby?"

"No, no I need to talk, light the candles."

He reached to the floor, picked up his wand, tossed it to her and put on his robe. "Now tell me what this is about…after you get out of my bed."

"Sorry," she crawled backwards until she could put her feet on the floor. "I need to have you show me the wand work to a memory charm."

"This? At four in the morning? Of course, I forgot for moment to whom I was speaking. You only do things of importance in the middle of the night."

"Shut up, Severus. I know what I did wrong. I know!"

"I see you read Astoria's book. You should not take what she writes seriously," he quipped.

"Shut up and listen I said." She waved his wand and uttered a soft Lumos. "In Hogsmeade, the squibs, the wand work, it was different than what I used. I need to see it again."

Severus walked out to his sitting room and threw a silencing spell at Abby's door then turned to glare at Hermione as he sat on the sofa. "Now, tell me what is so important that it cannot wait until morning."

"You better have a pot of tea sent up," she snorted a laugh. "Abby isn't here. Remember?"

"What do you expect? We…I have only been sleeping an hour." He clapped his hands frowning when Millie arrived in dress robes. "Millie why…? Never mind, I am not sure I want to know. Tea, now."

"Isn't that cute?" Hermione sighed.

"There are times I long for the old ways. Them, I understood." He scrubbed his hands over his face in an effort to wake. "So start talking."

Hermione giggled and hurried to sit next to him. "Don't you see? It is the time factor. I was young, too young to understand. To me… seventeen was a lifetime. I strengthened the spell I used on my parents. Not realizing only a small portion of their total life had to be prepared. I made it too strong. Well, I realized it of course, but I didn't calculate it correctly. I made it too strong. When I cast the spell, I _prepared_ their mind for a lifetime of new memories but only gave them seventeen years in exchange. I left a void. A misconnection as it is. They cannot remember because each time Kingsley tried to restore them, he only repaired my lifetime… there is a gap… an empty gap between their memories from before I was born to the new ones I gave them. I have to close the gap."

She slipped to the floor, kneeling between his legs and looked up at him, pleading for him to understand. "I left a … a chasm. An abyss, one that needs a bridge built over it so their memories do not stop... unable to find a way to the present. Like Abby, their minds are damaged, not lost. Think. Think about it. I have to be right. It is so obvious. You know I wouldn't have made a mistake in the spell itself, only in the strength."

He studied her face as his mind raced to think if it were possible, raising his hand in a silent Lumos, flooding the office with more light. "Remind me never to let you eat so late. It affects your sleep."

"Stop," she grinned. "It was your research that suddenly made it clear. If the ingredients have to be measured so precisely, the memory spell would have to as well. I didn't… I didn't see anything in any of the books that said there could be a problem with it. You were correct. I should have listened when you tried to tell me instead of taking insult to it. I should have studied the reversal spell before I cast it. I had thought to give them whole new lives, but decided to modify what they had, keeping the time line in the spell, the reversal needs to be done after the chasm is closed…after, not at the same time."

He pushed her away as he stood up and began pacing in front of the fireplace.

"Severus, their memories are there. I know they are, but trapped, not erased. We can use the same method they used on Abby. I know it will work."

"And if you are wrong?"

"Then I quit. I promise. I will give you an oath if you want it. I will never mention them again. I will stop searching for a solution. I will do anything you ask. Please Severus, please. All my research is in London. Page after page of research. That's why I am working where I am, they are researching and mapping the nerve centres and memory centres. I will give you my research, you can burn it, I don't care. Try it, please. It's all there in my journals but I was too stupid to see it."

He leaned forward and cupped her face in his hands, studying her face. "Will this help you to get over whatever the hell is bothering you?"

"I love you. I want you to love me again, and this is what is keeping me in London. The lab is close to conducting a study to determine if it is possible to re-teach the areas of the brain not being used to … to take over from the damaged part. But, if this works…don't you see? If this works it will be over."

"If it does not work…will you convince yourself that the study will have the desired results and set off again?" he scowled at her.

"No, I ... I will… I…"

"Don't lie to me Hermione."

"I want to make love again. I want to be with you when I wake up and not just … what it is now. I told you I am staying here, I told you I bought a wand. Severus, I planned to stay before I thought of this. Please, believe me. I didn't come here just for this. I … I want to come back, but this…this would make it so much easier."

He released her face and leaned back on the sofa. He knew that if this did not work she would return to London and go on with her quest, as he knew she wanted to believe what she said. He watched her face as he nodded his acceptance, unable to say no to her upturned face. "Contact the Burrow. If Abby is willing to stay there for a few days we will go."

"Oh, Severus," she lept up and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank you, you'll see. It will work. I know it will."

"We have the matter of transportation, and will need to make arrangements for once we are down there."

"You can convince Kingsley." She stood up and began to pace. "He has to come of course. And we will need lighter Muggle clothes, it is summer …"

"Explain yourself," he ground out.

"He said he personally cast the first reversal. That was years ago, true, but he will still have to remove his reversal before the new one can take hold. "

"It would be much faster if the two of you went…"

"I won't trust this to someone I don't know." She looked at him in amazement. "You do remember your own research? Yes, well, I went a bit further back and found that the reversal should be cast by other than the original spell caster, which would be me. The theory is that if the original caster dies, the memories would be lost forever, hence someone else. It came from the same era as secret keepers, so it would follow. I would imagine this would extend to Kingsley's …"

"Enough," he snorted. "Make one of your famous lists. In addition, no… you are on your own convincing Kingsley. You are still a poor liar. Next time you want to convince me that you will abandon your research keep your eyes on me. You lie as you duel, my dear. You give away too much."

"I didn't lie. I will give up my own research." She eyed the carpet, unable to look up.

"And put your hope in the Muggle study that could take years. I am not willing to wait years more, Hermione. To use a line from Abby's book, it is not fair. Not to her and not to you."

"Fair? How is it not fair to Abby?"

"If I need to answer that I am sorely disappointed in you," he said with a sigh. "I only have a few days at my disposal. If you do not plan on waiting until summer, I suggest you get busy."

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Hermione finally reached Kingsley who was taking his holidays in Cairo only after she convinced Harry to step in her behalf and put her through to his private floo. After she outlined her plans, he pulled out of the fire only to return a few moments later frowning.

"I must attend a … an important _meeting _in two days time. I am sorry Miss Granger. Perhaps in the future I can find …"

"I only have a few days. Severus needs to attend… have you even heard? About the Delphi? He was accepted. He made Grand Master!"

"Well done!" The dark wizard chuckled. "I believe we can now lift his travel restrictions if that would make this easier."

"Kingsley, we … I need your help. We want to go this week. Does the meeting last longer than just the one day?"

"Miss Granger, we have spent two years tracking seven families that we have found in one of the Darfur refugee camps. I will not put off their rescue."

"I didn't know, of course you must get to them. I am sorry, I…this is the meeting you were referring to? A rescue mission…I…I'm sorry, of course."

"Miss Granger, if we are successful, we will take them to our encampment in Jakarta where they will receive medical treatment until they can be relocated to other magical communities. In three days time, if you can make your arrangements, I will accompany you from there. However, I have only a small window of time. If you cannot make your arrangements we must put this off until later."

"Perfect! Thank you… thank you so much! We will be there. I will let you know the time as soon as I know exactly when."

She leaned back, sitting on her heels, staring at the fireplace. Darfur. She swallowed hard and felt foolish for not thinking that there would be magical peoples caught up in the conflict and felt guilty that she would think to put her own wants first.

"He has managed to do much more than his predecessors. There was a time the Ministry sat on its collective arse and allowed rampart murder and mayhem to go unchecked. He deserves much more recognition than he is allowed." Severus reached down his hand, offering to help her up.

"He keeps it secret? But why? He could gain a lot of support if it were known." She winced as she pulled herself up. "Gods, I used to think my Mum was joking when she had trouble getting up."

"He also takes much criticism. It would only take one that disagreed with his view to slip his plans to the other side. Not all wars that harm our people are fought in the open, or in our world."

"You heard? That he will help?"

"Yes, I have also contacted Percy Weasley who is working on our portkeys. He believes he can arrange for us to travel via Milan to Cairo, and then into Jakarta. From there he is having difficulty. The added security due to Kingsley's travel companions is making it more difficult and I refuse to have him step in and risk drawing attention to his presence."

"We could go via Suva and meet him in Sydney. Fiji's Ministry should be small enough to accommodate us."

"Other than the holiday travellers. You do know the timing on this could not be worse."

Three days later Hermione and Severus stepped out from the dark hallways of the Australian Ministry into the bright summer sunlight of the Sydney. Hermione smiled as she lifted her head to the sky, feeling the heat she so missed in the cold wet north. She squeezed Severus' arm encouraging him to walk faster.

"Oh stop, you look fine."

"I feel like a … a… tourist," Severus scowled at her, shoving his left hand in his pocket, which effectively hid his inner arm with his fading mark. He was uncomfortable in short sleeves and khaki coloured trousers, regardless of the fact that he would blend in better with the Muggle population.

"You are a tourist, so quit grousing." She craned her neck to look down the pavement, and then turned to look the other way. "He was to meet us right here. Quit acting like that, so someone sees your arm. They would have no idea what it is, and if you think I didn't notice you wore your dragon hide boots you are mad."

"Did you bring that camera you hid from me in the library? I just ask to remember this moment," he fought not to laugh as he nodded at Kingsley.

Hermione scanned the pedestrians until she saw a large black man, wearing leather boots, knee socks and khaki walking shorts striding purposely towards them. His safari shirt was open from the fourth button up, and he wore a bandana tied around his neck.

"Severus," Kingsley grinned, sweeping his large brimmed hat in an arching bow. "Welcome to Australia."

Hermione giggled and heard Severus' sputter his greeting. "I think you have been watching too many Muggle shows," she sniggered.

"This, Madam, is my concession to the outback."

"We are not in the outback you arse," Severus snorted.

"I leave here shortly. We have found a home for our newly acquired families. I am sorry," he said and turned to Hermione. "We must hurry. I leave for Port Arthur within the hour and from there I will accompany them to our Hobart establishment."

"How far is Dad's practice?" She bit her lip and squeezed Severus' arm.

"Close, within a few minutes walk. You must be prepared for this, Hermione," Kingsley said kindly.

"I am, the question is… are you? Do you have any idea what a dentist does?"

"None." He folded his arms and looked down at her with a frown.

"I'll talk, just… just stand there until we get you into the office."

They crossed the street and hurried to the office building, finding the lift and going up to the fourth floor. Stepping out in to the hall and following the signs, they were soon standing in front of his door, with Dr. Granger's Dentistry printed in bold letters.

"If they have patients, call me Maggie, Maggie Patterson," she whispered as Kingsley pushed the door open.

"May I help you?" Mrs. Granger looked though the sliding glass partition that separated her from the waiting room.

Hermione was unable to talk. She held Severus' arm in a vice grip and fought not to cry and rush to her mother. Swallowing hard she tore her eyes away and looked up at Kingsley.

"We … we are here on holiday. My friend here has a tooth… he…" she turned and put her head on Severus' chest, suddenly all thoughts of her plans gone.

"She has an unhealthy fear of dental procedures," Severus said flatly. "As she was saying, our friend here has need of a dentist."

"Sir?" Mrs. Granger leaned forward, sticking her head out of the window to be able to see Kingsley. "What seems to be the problem?"

"He doesn't speak English." Hermione pulled herself together and turned back to her mother. He has a crown that has come loose. I am worried if it is not taken care of at once before we get home he may have problems."

"Well," Mrs. Granger said, looking at the clock and back at the appointment book. "Dr. Granger can take a look at it. However, if he needs much work or a new crown I will have to ask you to come back. Is there any pain?"

"No, no nothing like that. If he could just take a look and advise him."

"That would be fine." She disappeared for a moment, and opened the door to wave Kingsley in. "Dear? He will need you if he does not speak English."

"I shall accompany him," Severus said, following Kingsley into one of the small cubicles.

Kingsley looked at the dental chair and back at Severus, folded his arms and shook his head.

"Sit," Severus hissed.

"Now, now, he appears nervous. I'll leave you two here and tell the Doctor you are waiting," Mrs. Granger said sweetly.

Hermione stood by the reception desk. She picked up a picture of her parents surrounded by three children. Curious, she turned it over, inspecting the back to see if there was any indication of who the children were. It was not unusual to have patient's pictures on display, but this seemed too personal.

"Those are mine," Mrs. Granger chuckled. "Don't look so shocked, I get that reaction all the time. We never were able to have our own. So a few years back we decided it was time to quit trying. I call them my three bonus babies. Sara is from Korea; that is obvious. Seth, from right here, his parents were in a horrid ferry accident, and Abraham we fell in love with in Africa. We were working with Doctors without Borders, and once we saw him… well, he is ours now."

"They are lovely." Hermione felt her heart begin to pound and her breathing become laboured.

"Oh my," Mrs. Granger hurried around the desk and helped her to the chair. "You really do have a fear of dentists."

Hermione grabbed her mother's hand and looked up into her eyes, seeing concern that she knew was only for a stranger. "I… I am fine. I…" her eyes went back to the photo as tears clouded her vision.

Mrs. Granger squatted down in front of her, reaching for a box of tissues and pushed it into her hands. "What ever is it dear?"

"Just… I'm sorry."

"Why' now, if this upset you let's just get rid of it." Mrs. Granger turned the picture face down on the desk and looked at Hermione oddly.

"I lost a baby a few years back," Hermione choked out, having a sudden urge to tell her mother about the baby she lost, about everything that had happened.

"Maggie?" Severus came in and helped her to stand, nodding slightly.

"So, what did Dr. Granger say?" Mrs Granger smiled.

"He wants you in the back."

Mrs. Granger looked at him quizzically and with a deep sigh hurried back to check on the patient.

"Stop! Not now," Severus said curtly. "It will be over soon. Your father is done. Kingsley is now reversing your mother's spell. We will come back when the office closes, as we do not need a patient walking in on us. Now come, quickly before she returns, they should not see us now. They will have forgotten anything that happened since we walked in."

Later that day the two of them stood outside the door again, reading the note that informed them that due to the Holiday's they would not reopen until noon the next day.

"Great!" Hermione spat. "Now what?"

"Now we go to their home."

"You know where they live?"

"Did you not pay attention to the mail on the desk?"

"No, that would be your job." She grinned. "Being friends with a spy comes in handy sometimes."

The taxi weaved through traffic until it was out of the city, and then sped along until it reached a small town. Slowing to almost a crawl through the shopping district, Hermione suddenly sat forward and ordered the driver to stop. A confused Severus pushed enough money to the driver to cover the fare with a tip and stumbled out of the back to see Hermione already hurrying down the pavement.

She rushed up to the grey haired man and laid her hand on his arm. "Dr. Granger? I thought that was you, although it has been years."

"You have me at a disadvantage I am afraid." He patted her hand, gently removing it as he did.

"I used to be one of your patients, in London." Hermione stammered, furiously thinking how to start a conversation.

"That is a coincidence," he agreed smiling thinly. "If you will excuse me, I am joining my family for dinner, I really must be…."

"Sorry, of course," she stepped back feeling her eyes sting. "I just wanted to … it is good to see someone from home."

"Hermione, you cannot do this," Severus spat, as he caught up with her. "We will wait until they are together. Do you want them to think you are some sort of deranged stalker?"

"I wanted to talk to him." She swiped her eyes, watching her father walk away.

"Soon, just be patient a little longer. We should be able to catch them here."

She saw her father stop and wave to two older boys that dodged between the moving cars as they ran across the street. Dr. Granger draped his arm around one's shoulders and the three walked off together. At the corner, Mrs. Granger stood up from a bench, joined the men, the small girl from the photo, squealing in delight as she jumped up, and ran to her Daddy.

"We can do it now," Severus grabbed her arm and propelled her forward, surprised when she pulled against him.

Hermione put her hand on his arm, pushing it down, making it impossible for him to raise his wand. She stood holding on to Severus watching her mother walk away, holding the hand of the little girl that would never know she had a sister, followed by a husband and two sons.

She turned away, unable to watch any longer. "If you do this …her new children…would she remember them?"

"Only as in a dream, they would have to reacquaint themselves with one another. You know this."

"Would they… did they look happy? Content?"

Severus lifted his head and watched the family enter the restaurant at the end of the street. "Make sure this is what you want. Make sure, Hermione. We can wait until tomorrow if you want to reconsider this."

"What would you do?"

He tipped up her chin and waited until she turned her eyes to his. "I would want them to move on with their lives. As long as no one could take their memory from me, I would want them to move on, as I wanted you to move on. I would put their happiness in front of mine."

"I love you," she whispered. "Take me home."

"Tell me you are sure."

"I thought of you and Abby. What she would feel like if she woke up in the morning and you didn't know her? I thought of our son. If he had lived, how could I choose between his memory and hers? I need to leave here, I need to get away." She pushed him away and started walking the way she had came, unable to see through her tears.

He hurried to catch her, pulled her off the main pavement and walked until he found a secluded spot he could Apparate from. Then, taking her by side-along they reappeared in the Ministry.

"I doubt we can make arrangements all the way home," he raked his hand through his hair. "Gods woman, you could have…"

"Italy. You still own the villa. If we could get that far from here it would be good."

Severus pulled his wand and transfigured his clothing back to his everyday attire, then turned to access Hermione. He flicked his wand, adding only a shawl to drape over her shoulders. "Wait here, I will see if they can accommodate us. If not we will have to find something here."

.

.

.

Six hours later Hermione sat on the leather sofa at the villa, pulling off her heeled sandals and rubbing her feet. "I don't know why I wore those shoes. My feet are killing me. Thanks for the wrap, it is cooler here."

Severus opened the liquor cabinet and frowned. "We should have rethought this."

"What?"

"The kitchen was emptied years ago. We do not even have anything to drink…including your soda."

"It really is a lovely house."

"Hermione, we have not eaten all day. I am famished and if you don't eat you get cross."

"Call Millie or we just keep going. I just wanted to take my shoes off."

He looked at her blankly.

"That or just floo back to Hogwarts. It should still be open. Just add your signature to it."

"Put your shoes back on," he rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"You forgot," she sighed. "Fine." She pushed her feet back into the shoes and limped to the floo. "I want food, a bath and bed. In that order."

He frowned at her as he threw the powder down, looking at her oddly when it did not work.

"You were drunk when you sent me here," she said flatly. "It has to be to my quarters."

They tried again, and this time they landed in the fireplace in her old quarters in the back tower. "One more trip," she sighed. "Forget the bath. I want food and a bed."

Severus again threw down enough powder to take her to his chambers, knowing she did not want to make the long walk. She stepped out into his chambers, flopped on the sofa and leaned her head back. "I want a bed. I'll eat in the morning."

Severus lifted his hand and Accio'ed a pepper up potion, which he tipped up and took one swallow of before handing it to Hermione.

'Fuck." She struggled to sit up, closed her eyes and drank. "I hate this stuff."

"If you don't eat I don't want to be around you," he said flatly.

"I think I did the right thing." She said softly, biting her lip. "Severus?"

Severus clapped for Millie and gave her instructions to bring tea before he sat opposite Hermione.

"You will always doubt your choice. You will always wonder what it would have been like to bring them home. However, I believe you did the correct thing."

"It's over." She startled as Millie returned with the tray, smiling to see she had also put on her robes. "I should feel something. I should be deliriously happy or sad, but … I'm not."

Severus poured the tea as she grabbed a sandwich and began to eat. They ate silently, each thinking back on the day and each glad it was over. Eventually Severus put down his cup and stood, holding his hand out to Hermione.

"Come, Abby wont be home until we floo. Stay with me."

She nodded and went with him to the bedroom, undressed and climbed between the sheets, almost asleep before he had warded the doors and joined her. Content to lay with his arm over her waist, the stubble on his chin rough against her shoulder, she turned her head toward him and kissed his forehead. "I love you Severus Snape."


	55. The Delphi

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 55**

**The Delphi**

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Abby and Severus were at the table he had transfigured for lunch when Hermione returned with her arms full of clothes. "I don't know what to wear to the dinner tomorrow. Is it formal? If it is I have to go shopping."

She held up a short black dress and saw Severus' face of disapproval. Dropping it back on the sofa she picked up a deep green, short skirted dress that had seemed so pretty in the shop but now looked out of date and shabby. Tossing it down with the black dress she held up two more, rolling her eyes at Abby's giggles.

"Okay," she sighed, and joined them at the table. "I'll go into town and see what else I can find."

"Dad?" Abby kicked him under the table.

"Not now," he hissed.

"Dad, go on," she hissed back.

"No," he ground out between his teeth.

"Severus?"

"Fine," he muttered and threw down his fork as Abby got up and ran to the cupboard, retuning with a large flat box. "I hesitated only in the fact that the last such purchase I made was misconstrued."

Hermione opened the box and smirked, then lifted her face to his, beaming at him. "I will have to pay you back for this. Perhaps we can reach a similar payment schedule as we did with the last dress you bought me."

"Dad?" Abby rolled her eyes. "You made her pay you back?"

Severus swallowed hard and tore his eyes from Hermione's face. "She insisted."

"I don't remember you refusing payment." Hermione's laugh rang out as she picked up the dress and hugged it to her.

"I did question it," he shot back. "I distinctly remember your insistence in the matter."

"Abby, there are certain gifts a lady does not accept from her gentlemen callers. It is not appropriate." She looked at Severus smugly, tucking the dress back into the box.

"Quite right." He lowered his head and resumed eating. "You should always, however, ask for a receipt."

"Do you want a refund?" Hermione bit the inside of her cheek, watching him having difficultly swallowing his meal.

"Lance gave me this," Abby held up her arm that had a charm bracelet dangling from it. "He said I can add to it for special occasions, but I like it just like it is."

Severus cocked his eyebrow and sneered at the small golden heart that swayed from the chain, snarling as to the cost, and looking at Hermione, seeing her glare back at him.

"It is lovely," Hermione reached out and touched the heart, "did you give him something?"

"Yeah." She looked down suddenly interested in the tablecloth.

"Well?"

"Igavehimabook," she said all in a rush.

"A book?" Hermione asked, hearing Severus' snort.

"It seems we Snapes buy books," Severus glared at Abby. "Some Snapes are even allowed to give them as gifts. However, that is not an option for all. Remember this, it may become important in the future."

"Dad, Madam Rosmerta said she is going to get hammered with customers tonight, New Year's Eve and all. She says if I can help she will pay me and give me a room so I don't have to floo back by myself so late."

"I do not like you working there."

"Ah, Dad, come on. She doesn't get the same kind of crowd that Mr. Dumbledore gets down at the Hogs Head. She is keeping the kitchen open all night, so it's mostly for people that want to go out for dinner and not get smashed or eat breakfast on their way home."

"Severus, if she wears her portkey, and you know Rosmerta will look out for her, it should be okay."

"You will return here. As much as I dislike you working there, I dislike you sleeping there more. May I ask where your Mr. McGovern plans to be this evening?"

"Severus! Stop!"

"I will not. Answer me Abby."

"He's not like that!" Abby stood up and threw her napkin on the table, then rushed out in tears.

"Good one," Hermione said. "You get off your arse and get in there. Apologise and make it good."

"I asked her a question," he grumbled.

"You accused her of sleeping with him, or at least planning to."

Severus stood and glared at Hermione, then turned to stomp after Abby. _Fuck,_ he thought wishing she were a boy and not understanding what he had said that was wrong. A boy would have looked guilty, proud, or at least smirked at having been found out, a girl…confused him.

Finally, with her father relenting, Abby left for the Three Broomsticks, as Severus took up his place pacing in front of the fireplace. Hermione sat on the sofa, curling her legs up under her, smirking at him occasionally as she read his latest potion periodical.

"I am hungry," he said as he stopped suddenly.

"Call Millie," Hermione chuckled. "I don't feel like going out."

"It is … New Year's Eve… we should…celebrate."

"If you go down there now you are telling her you do not trust her."

"I do. However, I do not trust this Muggle born."

"Is it him being Muggle born, or the fact that he has a penis?"

"It is my not knowing his family and their teachings on what he should not do with it."

"Shut up, Snape."

"She is a third year!"

"She is a well informed fifteen-year old young lady. She should be in fifth year if that makes you feel better. Plus, she knows she is too young, give her some credit."

"Well informed?"

"Yes, she has the benefit of everyone knowing what a git you are." She set her reading material down to give him her best smirk. "Now sit, you can tell me what to expect at the dinner tomorrow. You need to get your mind off of sex."

"There will be the normal pretentious posturing and abyssal fare, served whilst most wizards contemplate the act of sex. However, what is important, is to be in position to be the first of the schools to teach the new program. They must know we will be ready far before the others. We will have the best of the other school's students and the tuition will help support us until such time as enrolment returns to pre-war levels."

"You couldn't let that go could you?" She started to laugh. "Ah, Severus. If people would really listen to you. Anyway, you will no longer be able to take the potions classes yourself, what with your new responsibilities and the added pressures as a Headmaster. I will redo the budget to see if you can hire a new potions instructor if you would like."

"I want you to add three. The Potions Mistress at St. Mungo's as well as her brewers, and those from the continent need to be trained. We will also be offering lessons to the other school's professors. This is a gigantic undertaking. One, if done correctly, that will raise Hogwarts reputation and fill the coffers.

There is a problem with all this. You are the only one familiar with the material." He stood and walked to the liquor cabinet, pouring each of them a drink. "I take it by your silence that I was correct in my assumption that you were lying in your declaration that you would stop your research and plan on leaving again."

"No, that is over. I feel…at odds with it. I have spent so long trying to do something that I … it's like I am lost. I keep thinking I should be doing something. Running to the library or searching your private books for information. It became a habit, more than a quest, it was my…my refuge."

"Are you ready to return to this world?"

"Already questioning me?"

"Tomorrow at the dinner you will be sitting with the Professors from the other schools. I want to introduce you as a Hogwarts staff member."

"I won't be sitting with you?"

"No, since we are not married it would be…"

"Inappropriate, yes, I remember." She stood up and took the dress, pushing it into his hands. "I think I should stay back. One word from Gloria and I may embarrass you. Exchange this for one that Abby can wear. "

"I want you there, and I already have one for her," he scowled. "If I seat you next to me it will alter your… your reputation. However, it is up to you. Furthermore, I am not now, nor have I ever been embarrassed by you. If you wish to wear jeans and trainers that is up to you, it will alter nothing."

"Do you care what they think of me…of us?"

He clenched his jaw and looked down his nose at her, the vein in his neck beating just below the surface. "You should know my feelings by now."

"Yes, I do. However, if I go with you, I will sit next to you. Hang their ideas of propriety, if I remember correctly as long as you do not bring a whore, a mistress is … acceptable. I am not ashamed of you Severus Snape."

"Is that what you want, to be… a kept woman?" he spat.

"No, I will support myself. In that, I will not be a kept woman, but yes, I like things as they are. I can put together a training package for the Professors from the other schools before next term starts. I bet I can convince Neville into taking over the first years, and handle seminars for the older students to catch up on the new preparation methods. After all, it will be working with the preparations of plants, not true potions. I should be able to handle the rest if I have the seminars for the brewers on the weekends. You will have to handle the DNA lectures, but they are still two years off.

We do well together as we are, Severus. It is when we were married that things went badly. However, if you would prefer, I can return to London. Since my holiday is over, I would leave for home in the morning."

"I told you once I wanted the strings." He swirled the liquor in the bottom of his glass, not looking at her. "I thought we had settled this the other evening."

"I know, Severus, but this is all I can handle now. We are getting along reasonably well. We haven't fought...much… I think maybe for us this is best."

"I will not tout you out in public...,"

"Shut up, Snape. It is either this way or I leave. Straight and simple. I told you that I love you, and I always will, but this is all I can give you. I do want to stay. I want to love you, and have you love me, but… right now, let it be enough. Neither one of us could take a bad marriage again. At least we should be honest about it."

"I want you to stay," he admitted.

"I know," she turned away from him and picked up her robes. "I want to as well. This time it has to be different, Severus."

"It will be, it already is. If you have not noticed the war is over, there is nothing …"

"I know that," she said softly, her arms full of clothing as she turned back to him. "I mean…"

"I know what you mean. You have to understand that one had very much to do with the other. If it had not come between us, things would have gone much differently."

"I am not sure they would have. Not really. Neither of us was ready, we just so desperately wanted to belong. Me, to someone, you to someplace that did not treat you so cruelly."

"And now?"

"Now? Now, I want to belong to nothing, I don't need someone to make me whole, not you, not my parents, and you have found what you looked for was there all along. It is a good start. One I think will work. We will do this because we want to, and not to avoid something else."

.

.

The next evening Hermione stepped into his sitting room, pleased when he came to his feet and looked at her appreciatively. Seeing the look on his face, and knowing what he wanted, she felt her neck begin to burn as a blush climbed up to her face.

"Wow," Abby grinned. "You look great."

"You father cleans up nicely himself," she grinned, taking in Severus' formal robes. "I must say I am impressed, Abby, you look gorgeous. I thought he would dress you in a turtle neck and woollen skirt."

"Dad just told me that you are staying."

"Yes, I thought to try it for a while. We will see where it goes."

"So, if he doesn't act the git you will stay?"

"Madam?" Severus bowed and held out one arm to Hermione, lifting his other for Abby as he shot her a glare. "I shall have the two prettiest witches on my arms tonight. Hurry on now, I am thinking of dinner being served."

"No, wait." Abby ran and opened the drawer, pulled out the Christmas gift Hermione had refused and thrust it into her father's hands. "Please?"

He took the necklace, fastened it around Hermione's neck then picked up the hair combs, and expertly secured them in her upswept hair. Smirking at Hermione's surprise, he again extended his arm.

"I see you have learned a lot being a father," she chuckled. "I am impressed."

"Yes, however my hair-bow tying is much better." He lifted his chin and looked down his nose at her fighting not to smile.

"I see, I'll keep that in mind if I ever take to wearing them. So, Grand Master Snape, shall we go?"

"I hope we don't have fish," Abby muttered as she joined them in the floo. "I hate fish if it's all dried out."

Stepping out into the banquet hall the Ministry had rented, Hermione saw Abby step back, biting her lip nervously as the sounds of the crowd and music flooded over her.

"Abby?" She asked in concern. "If it is too much I can take you back."

"You will not." Severus looked around the reception area, waving to a young wizard. "Your escort would be sorely out of place without a Snape to accompany him."

Abbey smiled to see Lance walk toward her. "Dad? You didn't say he would be here!"

"Miss Snape," Lance walked up and proudly offered his arm to Abby, offering only a curt nod to Severus and a polite greeting to Hermione.

She took his arm and glancing over the shoulder shot her father a wide smile as she walked away.

"Well, you never cease to amaze me," Hermione squeezed his arm. "That was very thoughtful."

"We talked," he snipped.

"Talked? Oh, my god, you didn't tell him what not to do with his…"

"I did." He looked at her coldly. "I, however, did so politely and with …finesse."

"Finesse? Snapes buy books and use finesse?"

"I was Head of Slytherin House. It is not a conversation I am unfamiliar with. I merely mentioned that there were certain hexes that I knew, not open to the general public, for which he could look forward to if he did not show a certain amount of ...decorum."

"Git."

"No, father," he said with a smirk. "She is not … nervous when with him and he is not…overly concerned with her short comings. It is a fact that he does not seem to see them as short comings at all."

Hermione followed his eyes and saw Abby with her young man, as they walked away. "She must trust him and …perhaps… love him."

"Severus," Lydia said, hurrying over to them and grabbing his hands as she offered up her cheek. "Miss Granger, I am glad to see you here this evening. I had my doubts if you would make it."

"Yes, she will be joining me," Severus said pointedly.

Lydia raised an eyebrow then smiled and patted his hand. "It is about time you got over whatever has been between you two." She turned to Hermione, giving her a hug. "Now, don't worry, this old stodgy group will wait until you are gone to be nasty. They prefer to talk behind your back."

"Great," Hermione muttered.

"It is a good thing," Lydia chuckled. "By the time dinner is over the shock will have dulled and you will have charmed them. Just remember, after dinner, dance with the other Grand Masters and make sure to pour on the compliments, you will have them eating out of your hand in no time. Oh, yes … since this dinner is in your honour, your's and Grand Master Snape's, you are not to dance with him."

"Oh," Hermione said, her eyes drifting over the crowd.

"Hold yourself as a hostess would. You must make sure they know this is because of what the two of you accomplished. They are _your_ guests, not you theirs. Now, go mingle. I don't want to see you two together until we are served."

Severus looked down at Hermione, who was fighting not to grin, nodded his farewell, and walked away.

The rest of the evening was a blur of new people, dances and speeches. Hermione did not have time to look for Severus, or to wonder what he was doing. Remembering her training, she was never the first to mention Severus' work, but once the topic was broached, she felt free to wonder aloud how so much training could be accomplished without the full support of the Hogwarts Board and the Ministry.

It was well after midnight when she felt someone take her arm and turned to see Severus. "Why did I think sitting next to you would mean I got to actually talk to you?" she laughed.

"You have done well witch," he said softly. "Come, I see a table in the corner that is vacant."

She allowed him to guide her and hold out her chair as he took the one next to her, sliding it closer, and draping his arm around her shoulder.

"Where is Abby?"

"Mr. McGovern contacted Millie and sent her back by floo. He was concerned that she was becoming…distant."

"I am sorry. She must be upset."

"No, it was nearly midnight. Mr. McGovern appears to understand her disability completely, and in doing so she is not uncomfortable with herself."

"It is not always considered a disability. She dislikes crowds, loud noises, and dry fish covered in sauce. Given her background I think she is amazing."

"As do I," he admitted with a sigh.

"How much longer does this go on?"

"Until we leave." He raised his eyebrow and smirked.

"You are kidding me!"

"Not at all. Did you not understand Lydia?"

"You should have come and got me sooner." She grumbled as she stood up.

"You seemed to be enjoying yourself. However, I must say I did not expect you to dance with every single wizard in the room."

Hermione glared at him. "Don't start. I danced with the married ones too."

He stood feeling his lip twitch. "Come, let me take you home. That is if you still have enough energy left to… dance."

"Git," she grinned, then turned to find Lydia, ready to take her leave.

Severus watched her back as she walked away, letting his eyes lower to her arse and the soft sway of her hips, pleased in his choice of the dress.

"Quite lovely," Mr. Givens said from his elbow. "Yes, quite lovely."

Severus gave him a curt nod and scowled at the wizard, taking offence in the comment. "I am sorry I do not have time to talk," Severus nodded politely, in way of a shot bow, "we are on our way out."

"She has a sharp mind as well, a rare combination to find in a Muggle-born."

Severus looked back to Hermione. "She has a rare combination to find in any world. You must excuse me."

Leaving his guest alone, he followed Hermione knowing that the comments he had just heard were intended to communicate that she would be accepted, but hearing the truth behind them. As a witch, she would be judged first by appearances, then by her accomplishments.

"Ah, there is my handsome young man," Lydia said proudly, reaching up to touch his face. "You have done well, you and your witch."

"I fear the others still see only the witch," he grumbled, looking down at Hermione's up turned face, then remembering Lydia's own greeting of him, turned back to the old lady in surprise.

"Of course they do, and yes…witches like to watch also," Lydia said with a laugh. "They are men after all. Let them see what she does from here on out, they will change their minds. It takes a long time to change the way people think. Look at the two of you. How long did it take to see that you are better together than apart, and you are in love. Why, it will take these old coots years to accept a change. They don't even like each other."

"I have so much to tell you," Hermione said. "It seems now that you are accepted everyone wants to be the first to learn the whole system. Everyone, and I mean everyone, wants your agenda and the dates your seminars will start."

"Lovely," Lydia sighed. "So much to do! I shall send the season's calendar over first thing in the morning. You don't want any conflicts."

"My dear," Severus said softly, leaning down to kiss her on both cheeks. "This can wait. Now, I am taking home my…Hermione, and you need to rest."

Later that night, as Hermione lay with her head on his shoulder, her top leg draped over him, she sighed in contentment and yawned. "I had a good time."

"Oh?" He quirked his eyebrow at her. "Here or at the party?"

"Both, but I was talking of the party."

"I will test you tomorrow. You do understand you need to know everyone's name and rank in the Delphi."

"Funny," she muttered, laying her head back down. "You almost slipped talking to Lydia. You almost called me your wife."

"Yes."

"We have to come up with a term…you know…other than _my Hermione_."

"My lover does not sound appropriate."

"I was thinking…about your offer. How about your assistant? Or your apprentice?"

"That would mean you would stay in the castle," he said softly, tilting his head to look down at her.

"I know, I think I could do that. I would like to stay here."

"As my…," he stopped, sitting up and lifting his legs over the edge of the bed, turning his back on her. "As what, Hermione?"

Raising up on her elbow, she reached out and stroked his back. "As your lover, your girlfriend, your witch…I don't care what you want to call it. I will refer to you as my …companion."

He tuned sideways to study her face and saw her lay back on the pillow, grinning at him. "I feel better about us than I have in ages, don't ruin this. Not this time, please, Severus. Don't rush it. Just…just take it for what it is and for once in your life accept something that could be good and not question it."

"I have never questioned being with you, but being apart. If this is what you want…"

"It is." She reached up and stroked his chin, running her fingers down his neck and tracing his scar with her finger. "This used to bother me."

"And now?"

"Funny, every time I saw you without your shirt I would remember…but I don't anymore. It doesn't scare me."

"You are changing the subject again."

"I don't think I am."

He thought of Rasputin, and the night Draco had given her the cat, and her admission to him all those years ago. He returned to bed and pulled her over until her head was once again on his shoulder. He lay awake until he knew she was sleeping, and only then closed his eyes, confident that this time she would still be with him in the morning.


	56. A New Beginning

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

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**I Need to Breathe**

**Chapter 56**

**A New Beginning**

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**Two Years Later**

Hermione saw Severus walking toward the castle, his arms clasped behind his back, deep in conversation with two seventh-year students, who had just received offers of employment as brewers at St. Mungo's. She stopped and waited patiently on the steps, waiting for him to finish so she could approach him, knowing he hated any familiarity shown when he was speaking to students.

She bit her lip and looked over her shoulder to see who else was in sight, only to turn back and watch him, tapping her wand into the palm of her hand impatiently.

"Fuck this," she said aloud, stored her wand in her sleeve and began to run. She gathered up her robes letting her knees show as she ran and called to him as she circled down the winding path, her bare feet pounding on the packed dirt path, her hair loose and flying behind her.

His head snapped up at her voice and he scowled seeing her run to him like a schoolgirl. Pulling up to his full height, he glared at her, his lips pressed into a thin straight line of practiced anger. The students stepped back snickering as she threw herself at him, wrapping her legs around his waist and hiding her face in his neck.

"Miss Granger," he admonished, staggering to keep his balance. "Explain yourself at once!"

She put her lips next to his ear to whisper, "Marry me. You keep on at me about it, I think it is time."

"Professor Granger, please!"

"It's okay Headmaster," the tallest of the students grinned. "We can finish our discussion later."

"Now talk," he said, trying to disentangle her arms from around his neck. "If this is how you intend to keep our relationship from the students, I do not think it will work. Start with the fact that you forgot your shoes."

"I didn't forget them. I didn't take time to put them on."

"And what were you doing that is so important that you would run outside like a … a …street urchin?"

"I'm pregnant. I tested twice…I'm pregnant."

His arms tightened around her as he lowered his head to hers, feeling his eyes sting, as he fought back the first tears he remembered due to happiness. Sagging to his knees with Hermione, he did not even hear the students' laughter as they sauntered back to the castle to spread the news.

"Are you sure? You've seen the Mediwitch?" He pulled her away and frowned at her. "You should be in bed and not out here running around like a fool. What if you had fallen? Have you eaten today?"

"Shut up." She laughed as she studied his face, and leaned down to see the vein in his neck. "Severus, tell me this time it will be diff…"

He pulled her to him and kissed her roughly. "Now, you will do as you are told."

"I will not," she said indignantly.

"Hermione," he warned.

"Severus? I asked you a question."

"It is already different. You told me," he said flatly.

"You know what I mean."

"You are safe now," he said quietly, as he rested a hand on her stomach. "There is no one that wants to harm this one. No one that wants to hurt you and no one is willing to attack you to get to me."

"Promise me? That this time it will be different?"

"Well, other than the age factor you should do fine."

"Say it and I'll hex you."

"Hermione, you know the older the witch…"

"That does it." She pried his arms from around her waist and stood up. "It's your fault."

"I should hope so," he said arrogantly, his lip tugging up at the corners. "If I have learned anything in my lifetime, it is not to question who the father…"

"The age thing I mean," she stood with her hands on her hips glaring at him.

"Why in damnation it that my fault?" he stormed, standing up and going after her as she stomped up to the castle.

"If I had waited for you, we would still be having lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, now after everything …."

"Hold on, Professor Granger, if I remember I tried to …"

"Stop!" she turned back and stared at him. "Why do we do this?"

"Habit?" He shrugged. "That and I am beginning to think you fight because you like to make up. You should have noticed over these past years that it is one of my favourite…"

"Stop," she grinned up at him, laughing at his assessment. "Have you seen Abby? She doesn't know yet."

"N.E.W.T.s, you _must_ have your mind elsewhere to have forgotten." He frowned at her. "After spending two years sneaking between our rooms, now you plan on telling her? No, I think first you should tell her you agreed to marry me. That, she may believe."

"I think she caught on a few months ago. She never came out and said anything…okay, so I'll tell her we are getting married first. Just on the off chance she is the only once in the castle that does not know we are an item."

"You do know she already tells every one you are her mother."

"I … Severus, I am scared. I am scared to see the new Mediwitch, and I am scared to eat or drink anything."

"What can I do, Hermione? Tell me what you want," he tipped her face up with one hand, and used his handkerchief to dry her face.

"I need to go to St. Mungo's. I got pregnant using the potion, I am afraid something could be wrong with the baby."

"No need," he said with a smirk. "We will find a good midwife."

She wiped her eyes and looked at him in disbelief. "Tell me you didn't do what I think you did."

"Are you happy about it?"

"About the baby? Yes, of course I am" she stammered.

"Did you want to have one?"

"You know I did! We talked about it."

"Yes and yes," he said with a smirk.

"Yes, what?"

"We should get married now and yes I did what you think I did. However, only after you expressed your desire…twice. Once, while we were in your bed, and once while gathering … or at least attempting to gather ingredients. I am sure you remember that one. Your rash was hard to get rid of. Next look out for the Euphorbias."

"You did this? You … you wanted this? You switched the potion?"

"If I waited for you I would be a grandfather before you were my wife. In addition, Millie has taken to give me clothes."

"Millie…gives you clothes? I don't…"

"Bonnets, babygrows, little things a child would need. I stopped paying her wages when it was obvious she was spending the entire cheque on the next generation of Snape."

"Wait, you know about Abby? She told you?" Hermione gasped and then watched his face grow dark. "Not that you idiot, they want to get married."

"She is too young."

"She is old enough to start thinking of it. Severus, she's eighteen. They plan on waiting two years. I would rather three… or four…five would be nice. It would give her time to finish school and be on her own for a while. I think if I had not run from one safe place to the next it would have been better for me...for us. Everyone kept taking care of me until I couldn't take care of myself anymore. She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet."

"They better wait for more than just the wedding."

"Shut up, Severus. You missed that boat already."

"I don't want to hear this."

"Then don't ask. I'm not pleased with it, but at least she had the common sense to take precautions. More than we did." She took his arm and together they began to stroll up to the castle.

"Do you need to make a new list," he felt his lip twitch. "I like to think my pro list is longer than it was the first time."

"No, I think I kept the old one. I came across it a couple of months ago. Merlin, the list of a child. I would make a much different list now, if I had need of one. However, you do seem to trust me now." She grinned. "That and you don't snark …as much. Well, that's not true, but you don't snark as much with me, and you …you don't say hateful things…even in jest…the way you once did."

He stopped her, turning her to face him as he put his hand on her stomach. "The morning Potter heard you were in the hospital, and what had happened, I thought I would never have you like this. I thought I had lost you."

"In case you haven't noticed I am not easy to get rid of."

"I have one more thing I expect of you." He folded his arms across his chest and looked down at her sternly. "I have heard that a pair of Muggle dentists are returning to restart their old London practice. I insist that this child has regular check ups."

She flung her arms around his neck, sobbing and laughing at the same time. Aware that her parents would never know who she was, or that the small mouth they looked into was that of their grandchild, but just being close, just being able to see them was enough.

"I planned on telling you when they were in London. I did not want to raise your hopes only to find they had changed their plans. However, it appears they have closed their Australian practice, so it seems a certainty."

"I can make Abby go as well," she laughed. "It is more than I hoped for."

"Do you want a large wedding this time?" he asked watching her face closely. "You never got the chance last time."

"Yes," she grinned. "And I want Augusta Longbottom seated next to Gloria Givens. If anyone can shut that bitch up, it is her."

"I owe that _bitch _andher grandson_,_ as you so inelegantly put it, my life." He looked at her frowning. "True, she could have been more honest. However, I understand why she did what she did."

"Git, I was referring to the bitch Gloria. I don't care if she is the wife of a Delphi member, she is evil."

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Over the next few years, Hogwarts did grow in stature, holding lessons year-round for the many brewers, Potions masters and healers from around the world. Neville was soon an expert in the preparations of magical ingredients and taught not only the first year potion classes, but incorporated Severus' moisture controlled storage methods into his Herbology text as well.

The Snapes still argued, he with his arms folded over his chest, her ranting and pacing in front of the fireplace until he gave up the battle and learned to keep quiet until she had calmed down.

She joined him in his efforts in petitioning the Ministry to remodel Azkaban and ensure fairer treatment for the inmates, including a review of their sentences. Although she was angered that a handful of inmates had their sentences shortened, she was glad that never again would an inmate be forgotten, cold and dirty, in the stone tower of the North Sea.

Severus kept to his word and made sure his children all had check-ups at a dental clinic in London. Although his growing family never understood why he insisted, it became a tradition that he blamed on Hermione's Muggle upbringing.

He never did sell the Villa in Italy. On occasion, he and Hermione would spend the weekend, or the occasional holiday, devoid of children, walking the hills that over looked the bluest bay Hermione swore she had ever seen. As they neared the end of their lives, they left Hogwarts and moved into the small home, the only real home they ever had outside of the cold stone castle. Abby visited often, as did her two sisters and brother, their spouses and a hoard of grandchildren that were welcomed with joy and sent home just as happily.

One Christmas morning, before the children arrived, Hermione handed Severus his present, leaned down to kiss his cheek and then sat down beside him.

"I thought we agreed not to do this," he complained.

"I didn't buy it. Open it up and … just open it and shut up. The children wanted you to have it this morning. The Ministry said they wanted a formal presentation, but…we didn't think you would go."

Severus frowned and opened the package to find an Order of Merlin, granted for lifetime achievement. He turned it over in his hand, reading the inscription on the back before tossing it onto the end table with a snort of disgust.

"Don't you dare Severus Snape." She yanked up the medallion and draped it carefully over the mantle. "For once in your life admit that you are pleased."

"I am pleased," he sneered sarcastically.

"Good, I am glad for you." She flopped on the sofa next to him, digging in her pocket and pulling out another package. "Before you complain, I found this before your order not to give you anything."

He leaned forward, slowly removing the paper and flipped open the small box, surprised to see an old picture of his parents staring back at him. He felt his throat constrict, and not knowing what to say, turned back to study her face.

"You are not your father, you never have been. It is time to put that behind you as well," she said softly, leaning forward with him, wrapping her arms around one of his and looking down at the picture. "I sometimes wonder where this world would be without you. If the war would have been won or lost. I sometimes think that if he had not made you so hard we all would now live in a much different place. Good or bad, he was your father and made you who you are."

Severus closed the box and laid it gently on the table, pulled her into his side and leaned back. "I used to worry that my children would remember me the way I remember him. I have you to thank that they do not."

"You have Millie to thank. You do know she tells the family secrets to the children, including the treatment that you received at his hand."

"Where is she?"

"At Tobias' house. His oldest is due any time and Millie will not miss a Snape's birth. You know how she is."

"Amanda could use her," he said softly.

"She won't leave you. She never has." Hermione turned sideways to study his face. "When do you plan on telling me about your new research?"

"I … I told you I would retire," he stammered, standing up and walking to the mantle to examine the Order of Merlin.

"You never said when."

"When I am done."

"Never," she sighed. "Well, this time you give your own presentation at the Delphi."

He turned and saw her smile and could only nod, unable to talk as his throat constricted, unable to tell her how he felt.

"Severus?" She joined him at the fireplace, concern etched on her face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing witch," he choked, and pulled her into his chest. "Have I told you lately that I am glad you came?"

End

~o0o~


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